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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1144 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters and I make no profit from this fanfic. Any resemblence to living or dead persons is coincidental.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
Poisoned Memories

Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows

Part 3

�� Shi woke to the sound of the telephone ringing. He was in
his bed still, though someone had taken the time and effort to undress him and
put him in the pajama bottoms and t-shirt he always wore to bed. That it might
have been his mother who had dressed him made a brief spark of excitement shoot
through him. He could hug her, he thought, he could let her hold him like she
did when he was a little kid and maybe it wouldn�t make anything better, but he
didn�t care. He suddenly felt like a little kid with a sugar addiction, not
even caring if the candy tasted good, he just needed it. But then Shi rolled
over to look at the clock hanging on his wall and realized that he had been
sleeping for less than an hour. There was no way that his parents had come home
yet, which meant that his grandfather had cleaned him up and dressed him for
bed.

�� His grandfather had� had �fucked� him, he had seen his
lower body naked, so why the thought that the man had dressed him was so
unnerving and wrong eluded him. Maybe because he felt that he didn�t have the
right to. Even before he had raped him� only his mom or his dad was allowed to
tuck him in! The brief spark of anger that went through him gave him the
strength to roll out of bed. Pain lanced up his back, but he ignored it.

�� The phone had stopped ringing, though Shi did not know when
it had stopped. He hoped that it was his mother calling and that his
grandfather had not answered, so she would think there was something wrong and
would rush home�Shi swiftly cut off that train of thought. It was childish, and
he quickly realized that he wasn�t really a child anymore. Would his mother
even consider him a child, her child, if she knew? Would she make things better
when she came home? Would his father? So often in his life, they had soothed
him, had taken away pain. But would that be enough now?
Maybe. He couldn�t bear to think that it wouldn�t, but
he couldn�t stop thinking of that possibility, either.

�� His feeling of love of thinking of his parents vanished as
quickly as he had started to feel it, reawakening the numbness in him. The
feeling scared him a little, but he didn�t want to feel the way he had felt
when his grandfather had been on top of him. The numbness was better. Shi
walked slowly to his door and opened it. From the hallway, he heard that the TV
was on. It struck him then, like a punch, that Eirie was probably awake. Panic
overwhelmed the numbness in his heart and he was suddenly running down the hall
towards the kitchen. His baby brother was up, all alone with their grandfather�

�� His grandfather�s promise rang in his head, but seemed so
small and pointless compared to the pain in his back and ass, the physical
proof to who his grandfather really was. He would never let his brother be alone with that pervert! Shi stumbled to a
stop when he reached the kitchen. His grandfather was sitting at the table,
drinking a steaming cup of coffee and Shi could see through the open doorway on
the other side of the room that Eirie was in the living room watching cartoons,
far enough from their grandfather to make Shi�s terror fade away. His
grandfather was watching Eirie, not with heat or longing in his orange eyes,
but looking like a grandfather watching his grandson. Shi couldn�t understand
it. Hadn�t he said �you or your brother�? So why had he looked at Shi like that
before, but not Eirie now? It made no sense to him, but he was still glad. He
didn�t want anyone looking at his brother like that.

�� You�re awake,� Cree finally noticed Shi and smiled at him.
He frowned when the nine year old only looked at him, wordlessly, like a cat,
in nonchalance. If it weren�t for the empty look in Shi�s red eyes, Cree would
have thought that the boy was starting him down. He took a sip from his coffee, as though Shi�s disturbing behavior was normal.

�� A friend of yours called,� he told Shi, �He wanted to play
with you tonight. I told him you weren�t feeling well.�

�� Suddenly, like some great wall had crumbled and given way,
Shi�s heart woke at the mention of Vel. It was completely overwhelming.
Hundreds of emotions flooded him all at once. He suddenly hated his grandfather
and loved him, equally. He wanted to see Vel� wanted to pretend that everything
was exactly the same as it had been when they had left each other that same
after noon. Damn, had that really been on the same day? It didn�t seem real.
But he wanted to see him, he knew that much� and yet� he didn�t. He loved Vel,
so much that it hurt like hell right now. He wanted to hug him and let that
touch lie to him into thinking that everything would be ok. But how could he
see him? He was filthy now, he wasn�t pure, wasn�t a kid or an innocent. He had
sold his soul for his brother�s. How could Vel ever like him now? How could he
face him now and not tell him the truth? He felt so battered� he felt broken
inside and lost� and he knew if he saw those beautiful, kind violet and gold
eyes, he wouldn�t be able to lie. Had his grandfather known that? Had he been
kind and spared him from seeing Vel now when he was too vulnerable?

�� The thing was, his grandfather had raped him, but he hadn�t
been cruel about it. He hadn�t teased him or beat him. They had had sex, but it
wasn�t as harsh as it could have been. Cree was huge, he could have torn him
apart, but he had tucked him in like a little child. Shi�s conflicting feelings
of hatred and love for the man warred through him. He had hurt him� but he was
family. He had made him bleed� but he had been affectionate. He had broken him�
but he was giving him space and time to heal. He couldn�t understand any of it.
Should he hate him because he was a rapist? Should he love him because he was
his grandfather?

�� Thank you,� Shi said to Cree, but his voice was hollow and
haunted.

�� Cree frowned as Shi walked out of the kitchen and towards
his brother. Shi sat next to the redhead, who beamed up at him happily.

�� Shi!� he cheered, gleeful that he could stay up with his
big brother, �Grandpa said you were taking a nap, too!�

�� Shi felt incredibly off balance as his brother chatted at
him. All through the sex, he had told himself that he had been doing it for his
little brother, but now, suddenly, here he was and his image of Eirie had paled
in comparison. He had suffered to save this boy�

�� Want to play a game?� Shi asked, forever playing his role
as the loving big brother. Eirie nodded happily.

�� Shi loaded a video game into the game system they had, a
racing game, since Eirie was too young for the adventure games that Shi liked.
His little, red haired brother looked so happy as they
played, but Shi remained silent. He felt so strange, like he was dreaming.
Normally, he would tease his brother as they competed in the game, but he felt
no urge to be �happy� and he felt like someone had stolen all his words. He
should be relieved, should have held Eirie close in the knowledge that he was
safe, but he only felt stale and shocked, like he was frozen in silence.

�� Eirie�s bright smile vanished as he raced his brother. An
hour passed, but Shi was like a statue next to him. There was something wrong,
Eirie could sense that and he didn�t like it one bit. Had he made his brother
mad somehow? He had gone to sleep and Shi had been himself, but now he wasn�t
speaking or smiling or anything. His enjoyment in the game left him quickly. It
just wasn�t the same without his brother having fun, too. The controller fell
from his little hands, gaining Shi�s attention finally.

�� Eirie?� he asked in confusion. What could possibly be
wrong? He was playing with him, and he was safe, so why wasn�t Eirie happy?
Only one of them could be happy now, so why did he look so sad?

�� Are you mad at me?� the child asked, tears in his eyes.

�� He�s hurt so easily,� Shi thought in astonishment. He
wondered if he could ever be like that ever again, in tears over thinking that
he wasn�t liked.

�� Mad? Was he mad at Eirie? He wondered at that. He studied
the four year old next to him. He suddenly realized that he wanted to hate him,
very, very badly. Because of his responsibility towards his brother, he had torn
his soul apart. It was Eirie�s fault, right? He should hate him, he should yell
at him, demanding to know why he always had to be the strong one?! Shi looked
into his brother�s deep, violet eyes.

�� Shi smiled, a true, affectionate smile, and tackled his little
brother. Eirie giggled as Shi tickled him, sweeping him up in his arms and
holding him tightly.

�� Dummy,� he grinned, �How could I ever not like a little
cutie like you?�

�� Not cute,� Eirie managed to pout through his giggles. Shi
smirked and put him down, handing him his controller.

�� I guess I�m still half-asleep,� he lied, �But I�ll pay
attention now.�

�� Shi watched Eirie as they returned to the game. He should
hate him. Every instinct and common sense he had told him that. But right then�
no, always�. he felt nothing but intense love for him. A bit of pain eased in
his chest. Eirie was safe and he loved him. As long as that remained the same,
everything would be fine.

*****

�� Before
their parents came home, Shi tucked his little brother into bed and was
confident that they would never find out that he had let him stay up late.
Eirie had been wired, but had obediently gone to bed, not wanting to get his
big brother in trouble. Not that it really bothered Shi anymore. He wondered if
he would cry if his parents yelled at him, because he felt so tightly wound, he
was sure that the slightest reprimand from his mom or dad would make him snap.
Waiting for their arrival, Shi had gone to his room and had locked the door, not wanting the chance that his grandfather wanted to
hurt him again. He had waited for them anxiously, wanting badly for the monster
to leave his comfortable home and wanting to see his mother�s kind face, his
father�s strong form.

�� His grandfather had made up his beds with new sheets and
Shi wondered what he had done with the dirty ones. The man wouldn�t be so
stupid as to let his mother see the bloody sheets, but it was just another
something that he didn�t think he really wanted to know. He had slept on those
clean sheets when he had blacked out after the rape, but he couldn�t even force
himself to sit on the corner of his bed. His familiar bed� it wasn�t his
anymore, he dimly realized as he stood there and looked at it. All he could see
was his grandfather�s thrusting body and his own bloody one�

�� Shi shuddered violently and sat on his desk chair instead
of his bed. He sat there in the dark, having not
turned on his bedside lamp, though the street lamps outside lit his room dimly
enough for him to see where he was going. He didn�t know what was worse, the
shadows that the light would set off, or the things he would remember if he
could see every detail of his room, which had quickly become �enemy territory�
to him. This place had always been his sanctuary, as a bedroom was to every child,
but now� it smelled and was haunting and disturbing. He sat in the dark,
watching the clock on his wall, his eyes following the second hand as it
lethargically traveled, ticking down moment after moment. He waited,
feeling like a doll left in an attic somewhere, still and lifeless.

�� Shi heard the car in the driveway and the front door open,
his parents� familiar footsteps in the foyer, but only felt even more frozen,
unable to even breathe. His desire to see them died in his chest, stillborn. He
thought of his mother�s kindness and his father�s strength, this time in
terror. How would he greet them? Would he tell them what happened? What would
they think of him? And even worse� if he did tell� would his mother protect him
against her own father? He was dirty now and he was petrified that she would
stop loving him because of it, that she would be happy that it had been him,
and not Eirie. He didn�t want to believe that the mother he loved so much would
betray him like that, but he couldn�t see another possibility, unable to
believe in the face of his filth that she would still love him.

�� In the end, it was his love for his mother, even though he
was sure she would deny him, and his need to see his grandfather leave with his
own eyes, that made him get off the chair and open his door, following his
mother�s voice to the kitchen. To Shi�s excitement, his grandfather already had
his jacket on and was saying his goodbyes. He was glad that the man was not
going to linger.

�� I�ll see you next Saturday,� Cree was saying.

�� Shi�s stomach fell to his toes.

�� Shi,� his mother greeted with her usual bright smile.

�� What does he mean next Saturday?� Shi asked, feeling
frantic.

�� Your grandpa is going to baby sit you guys next weekend,
too, kiddo,� his father said, smiling like his mother was.

�� But why?!� Shi demanded, �Why
does he have to baby sit us?!�

�� Honey�� Anjaleque gasped, shocked by his behavior and the
strange, wild look in his eyes, a look that had never been there before. There
was something different about him, something that terrified her, but she didn�t
even know what it was.

�� Cree lightly touched her shoulder.

�� Don�t be hard on the boy, Anna. He hasn�t been feeling
well tonight. He didn�t even have any pizza,� Cree said, but he was looking at
Shi instead of his daughter.

�� Oh, sweetie,� Anjaleque�s shock
melted into concern, �What�s wrong?�

�� My stomach hurts,� Shi murmured and it was the truth.
The thought of his grandfather coming back in only one week made agony rip
through his stomach.

�� Well, I�ll be off,� Cree said with a smile. He squeezed
Shi�s shoulder as he passed him, where he had grabbed him before, but Shi did
not wince, though it hurt him. Shi could not tell if it was a silent warning or
not, but he didn�t care.

�� The three of them watched Cree go, Anjaleque waving and
promising to call him. As Cree finally left the house, Shi watched him. His
face was void of all feeling and he was frozen where he stood. The only
indication that he felt anything at his grandfather�s leaving was his right
hand, which was curled into a tight fist.

�� Inside, however, was a different story. When the door
closed behind the tall man, the steel bands around Shi�s heart, which until
then, had kept his feelings and vulnerabilities locked up tight, cracked and
shattered. For the first time since his grandfather had made that deal with
him, Shi felt tears truly threaten him.

�� Jonathan watched his son and frowned. The boy was so quiet,
which wasn�t normal for Shi, who was usually happy and chatty, and he looked
pale. He worried that he might be coming down with something, something that
might threaten young children like Shi and, especially, Eirie.

�� Maybe you should go to bed,� he said kindly, �I�m sure
your mom will make you some soup tomorrow, for your tummy.�

�� Shi nodded, but didn�t say anything, which made Jonathan
worry that he was in more pain than he was saying.

�� I�ll tuck you in,� Anjaleque said, but froze at the way
that Shi looked at her.

�� Don�t,� he told her, �I can do it myself.�

�� She nodded hesitantly, feeling hurt at his brushing her
off. She watched him as he went up the stairs to his room, walking slowly, as
though he were carrying a heavy weight. Jonathan hugged her from behind,
wrapping his arms around her waist.

�� It�s alright,� he soothed her, �All
boys go through this phase. He isn�t being cruel, he�s
just getting older and doesn�t want to be treated like a baby anymore. And
Shi�s more mature than the other kids his age.�

�� Anjaleque sighed.

�� I know. Shi�s nine, not a little kid like Eirie is. I know
I can�t tuck him in and treat him like a child forever,� she said with a deep
sadness, �I know he�s growing up faster than the kids in his class, but I just
wish I had more time, before he grows up too fast. I don�t want him to leave
his childhood behind so soon��

�� Jonathan smiled, brushing his lips against her slender neck
in a gentle kiss.

�� It�s not all that bad. You�re not losing him. He�s still
Shi and he�s starting to become a little adult. You�ve already told him about
�love�. Before you know it, he�ll be asking about the birds and the bees, too,
and is that so bad? There�s a whole other world of things we can share with
him. I�ll miss tucking him in, too, but you can�t hold him back, love.�

�� I know,� Anjaleque murmured, �I just� I feel like something
is wrong.�

�� It�ll be fine,� he comforted, �We just need to get used to
this new Shi, that�s all.�

�� Anjaleque nodded, but couldn�t shake her feelings.

*****

�� The second Shi closed his door, he
sat in the corner between his bed and the far wall, hiding himself. He wrapped
his arms around his knees, his stomach feeling like it
was ripping itself apart. Guilt joined the pain and depression. Why had he told
his mother not to tuck him in? He wanted her to� wanted
to feel her touch and her kiss on his forehead, he wanted her to reassure him
that he was safe under her care.

�� But, if he felt her touch on his dirty skin, he was sure he
would break. If she touched him, he was sure that he would end up sobbing and
if she saw that, she would get the truth out of him. Should he tell? Would it
even make a difference? In the end, if he told, would he be putting Eirie in
danger? Those questions were so painful, even more painful than telling his
mother not to tuck him in out of fear of her ability to make him feel weak and
loved.

�� Shi buried his face in his knees and felt his tears finally
stream down his cheeks in such an incredible, violent torrent, he wondered if
he could survive it. Even the possibility of his grandfather�s threat� if he
told, Cree would rape his gentle, baby brother to punish him. He couldn�t let
that happen. Even if he had to keep this secret for the rest of his life, for
his brother, he would. Even if it hurt. Even if it killed him. He was breaking into little pieces.
He felt isolated from his family. How could he talk to them, knowing what had happened earlier today? He felt like this� this alien
thing that would be spotted and thrown out the second he showed his true
colors. His grandfather had shown him, but he was still loved. It wasn�t fair!

�� Shi had never been this weary in his entire life. He was so
tired, but if he slept, would he dream? That thought scared him,
that he might dream. But he needed sleep. Maybe, if he slept, the
morning would come and everything would be better. He wiped at his face,
rubbing his eyes, trying to get rid of the wetness that was making his heart
feel thin and vulnerable. He climbed into his bed and lied down on his back,
not even pulling the sheets over him or trying to close his eyes. Tears still
poured down his face and his stomach churned unpleasantly, but he refused to
sob, both because he was scared of his own sorrow, and because he was scared of
someone hearing him. He felt like he was lying in filth and stink, the
knowledge of what he and his grandfather had done on this bed gnawing at him.

�� Shi lied there for two hours. He did not close his eyes,
let alone sleep. He had tried to close them, but had only become shockingly
aware of shadows around him that did not exist, and heavy hands on his body
that were not there. His tears had stopped, but he still felt like he was
crying somehow. He bit at his lip, utterly frustrated by his inability to sleep
and his exhaustion. With a snort of irritation, he rolled out of bed, pulling
his sheets with him. He curled up on his hard floor and instantly felt more
comfortable. As long as he wasn�t lying on that damn bed.

�� He shivered as he wrapped his sheets around him. Could he
sleep this way, night after night? He didn�t want to be scared of his own bed!
He didn�t want to sleep on this cold floor, terrified of the shadows around him
and under his bed. But he was so tired�

�� Shi finally managed to close his eyes and though shadows
still threatened his thoughts, they weren�t quite so solid, weren�t quite so
claw like. He kept his eyes closed firmly, refusing to open them until he had
slept.

�� He managed an hour before he was shooting awake, covering
his mouth to keep from screaming, his back and rear pounding in pain. He lied
there for several minutes, looking up at the dark ceiling, his chest rising and
falling rapidly as he panted. He couldn�t remember what he had dreamed, but it
had been something horrible. He stumbled to his feet, abandoning his nest of
blankets like a fox kit leaving his den and shakily left his room.

�� His skin was covered with sweat and he was glad he had his
t-shirt on, though he didn�t kid himself into thinking he was sweaty because of
the warm night. He just considered himself lucky that he hadn�t tossed and
turned so much that he had knocked his head against his bed�s frame. It didn�t
make any sense to him, why he felt so weak and unbalanced. It was over, he told
himself. But how he had felt then had carried over somehow, it hadn�t gone
away. Would he feel this way for the rest of his life? Maybe he would get used
to it� but he wasn�t sure if he really wanted to get used to it. He just wanted
his old life back, but was lost as to how to get it back.

�� He opened his door as silently as he could as he crept into
the hall. Eirie was usually a deep sleeper. His father often joked that he
slept the sleep of the �innocent� and couldn�t be woken up even if there was a
flood. Shi had never understood what the sleep of the innocent was, but he did
now. Eirie had nothing to worry about. To him, the world was perfect. To a
little kid, having a loving family, a big brother to play with, and all the
cookies you could eat, if Mother was willing, was heaven. Not too long ago, Shi
had been just like him. Sure, he had been a little lonely, but mostly, he had
been happy. Now, all he could think about was his doubts and he couldn�t stop
questioning all those little things that had made his life so happy and
perfect. Namely, the love of his family and friend and what the future would be
like for him, mostly the future of next weekend. Never before had he put such a
stake in the future. He had always thought of it as something inevitable, but
something he didn�t really have to worry about. If anything bad did happen in
the future, his parents would make sure everything would turn out all right. He
had told himself that� but he now realized he could no longer believe in it and
he missed that kind of� innocence.

�� Their father was only half right, though. When Eirie had a
nightmare, he woke up at the drop of a pin. Shi wondered if there grandfather
had caused his little brother to have any bad dreams, but the redhead had
seemed ok with the man�s presence towards the end, which had irked Shi more
than just a little. It wasn�t Eirie�s fault, it was Cree�s, for not showing the
world who he really was.

�� Thankfully, their parents� bedroom door was open, so Shi
didn�t worry about waking Eirie with it. His little brother got adorably cranky
if he woke up too many times during the night. Shi stood in the open doorway
for a few minutes, hesitant to venture inside of the room. Why had he come
here? He couldn�t go back to sleep, he felt, but standing in the darkness
wasn�t making him feel any better. Oddly, the shadows out here didn�t bother
him like the ones in his room did.

�� Shi walked into the room, which was dimly lit, like his
own, by the street lamps outside. He frowned and felt strangely disappointed
when he found that both of his parents were deeply asleep. He felt� betrayed
and wished that they would wake up, but was too scared to wake them himself. It
puzzled him, the need to see them awake. Hadn�t he been so mean to his mother
and lied to her because he hadn�t wanted to see her?

�� His mother was lying on her side facing him. For once, her
long, beautiful hair was loose and spilled over her shoulder, over the bed. His
father was curled up against her back, his arm around her waist and his head
resting against her neck. The way they looked, snuggling against each other,
made something in his chest hurt. They looked like the young couples on the TV.
They looked like they loved each other. No, not just loved each other, but were
in love with each other. That
evidence of their love made the pain grow sharper and more real, even though
Shi knew that it was not physical. He felt like he would start crying again,
but forced them to stay deep inside his heart.

�� He wanted to tell them. He wanted to tell them all of it,
about the darkness that his grandfather had awakened in him, about how scared
he was and how much he hated� hated himself. He wanted
to beg that all he had wanted was to protect Eirie, that
was noble, right? So why did it hurt so much? They would still love him because
he had saved Eir�, right? Right?
He wanted to say those things. His breath caught in his throat and he stood
there in the dark, frozen, just like he had been ever since� that moment.

��

�� Now, why don�t we
give the guy a break, for your mother�s sake if nothing else.�

�� The pain in his chest exploded inside of him and he
felt like it had moved up to his head as it started to throb. How could he have
been thinking about telling his mother that her father had raped him and had
threatened Eirie? His mother loved her father! And now they had made up after
their fight and she was happy. There was no way that he was going to take that
away from her. Not for anything in the world. If she found out� she would be
devastated. And, after all this time of missing her daddy, would she even stay
on his side about this, or would Cree lie and say that Shi was making it up?
Wouldn�t she want to believe him instead? And wouldn�t she hate Shi for making
up such a lie? In the end, he didn�t think it mattered, he just couldn�t hurt
her. He now knew what it felt like to be betrayed and hurt by someone you were
supposed to love. He would never do that to her.

�� Shi, baby, what�s wrong?� his mother�s clear, worried
voice roused Shi from his thoughts.

�� His mother�s voice had also woken his father as she sat on
the edge of the bed and he yawned widely. Shi immediately felt guilty for
waking them up for nothing. He also immediately came up with a lie in his head,
but paused. He had never lied to his parents before today. Whenever he got in
trouble, he had never been able to lie about it, he had always confessed. When
had it become so easy to lie to his parents? He had confirmed his grandfather�s
lie that he had a stomachache earlier so readily and now, he was ready to lie
again, and for what? It only made him feel guilty and the lie hadn�t made his
parents any less worried about him.

�� I had a bad dream,� he confessed in a small voice.

�� Anjaleque was opening her arms to him out of instinct
before she even remembered the talk she and Jonathan had had about Shi growing
up. To her surprise, he hugged her and buried his head in her stomach, already so
tall at nine years old, she was sure he would be up to her chest in just a few
years. She was scared to think of what would happen when he went through his
first real growth spurt when he became a teenager. She smiled to herself as she
realized how tightly her son was holding her, like his life depended on it. It
reminded her of when he had been Eirie�s age and he had hugged her the same
way. It made her worry about him and his nightmare, but at the same time, she
just felt so happy that he wasn�t a rude, mature, avoiding teenager yet. Not so
grownup, then.

�� She hugged him back, drawing him closer to her, and gently
stroked his hair like she always did when he was distraught.

�� It�s ok, baby,� she soothed.

�� Shi closed his eyes as he could feel his mother�s warmth
all around him. He wouldn�t cry, he told himself, but he could feel it in his
chest and knew that, sooner or later, it was inevitable. Even
if he was sick of crying like a dumb little kid. He felt his father�s
hand on his shoulder and for a moment, he was reminded of his grandfather�s
large hand, and how there were bruises on his hips in the shape of that hand.
The thought was fleeting, but he immediately hated himself for even thinking
that there could ever be a comparison between the two men. He looked up into
his father�s green eyes.

�� I�ll get you a glass of water,� he said in a tone filled
with paternal love and left for the kitchen.

�� Shi sat beside his mother on the bed, blushing darkly as
she hugged him to her side, but it had nothing to do with embarrassment. He
loved them, both of them. He loved that his mother could hold him like this,
not even annoyed that he had woken them up, and was willing to comfort him. He
loved his father for trying to make things better. The love for them filled his
heart with extreme heat and made his anxieties seem small and stupid. Would
they really hate him just because he had tried to protect his brother? And yet�
it was because he loved them so much that he could never say it, and his fears
would not leave him. He couldn�t risk it.

�� He knew now, with absolute clarity, that he would never
tell his mother. Not ever. Because it would break her heart and he never wanted
to be responsible for that. He felt broken, consumed by darkness and fear, but
he would keep it locked up, deep inside his heart, even if his inability to
ever release it was already making this strange� hurtful anger build up inside
of him. There was no justice, no fairness. His grandfather had done something
wrong, something evil, and he would never be punished
for it. No, it was even worse than that. He would continue to do that evil
thing to him, until he grew bored of it, over and over and over, and there was
nothing anyone would do to stop him, let alone punish him for it.

�� Shi had lived his life, previously believing that there was
a system of right and wrong in the world. Like most children, he had lived in a
world that put bad guys in jail, while the heroes that put them there were
graciously rewarded for their noble deeds. But not anymore.
That world was long dead and sitting there, watching it die and crumble around
him had awakened this strange rage in him, as though he felt affronted that no
one had bothered to tell him that such a world could exist. Could he even
survive here? He wasn�t sure he wanted to find out.

�� Shi finished the glass of water that his father gave him,
and it did help a little. He made to go back to his room, back to bed, but
didn�t. It was almost like a magnetic pull, but he would have gone to his
little brother�s room, even if there hadn�t been. He needed to see him, to make
sure he was safe. He knew that he was, he had been the one to tuck him in
again, but he suddenly needed to be with him.

�� Sure enough, Eirie was still fast asleep, Mr. Jellybean
clutched in one little hand. Shi got into the bed with him, like he often did
when Eirie had nightmares, though this time, it had been him who had had the
bad dream. He hugged Eirie tightly to him and his little brother made a cute,
little whining noise, but snuggled up to him. His little body was warm,
comforting, and familiar. Most all, it was safe. The realization of that made
his tears finally burst out of him. As long as Eirie was safe, he could survive
anything. Even this.

�� It was Shi�s sobs that woke Eirie up. He blinked his violet
eyes in the room that was dimly lit by his nightlight and looked up at his
brother, whose face was contorted in deep sorrow that sent Eirie into a panic.
His brother didn�t cry. This wasn�t right. He wrapped his arms around Shi�s
neck.

�� Shi, what�s wrong?� he asked frantically.

�� Shi�s red eyes were even redder after crying so hard. He
hugged Eirie tighter, but made sure that he could not possibly hurt him.

�� It�s just a bad dream,� he murmured to the little redhead,
�Everything will be better in the morning.�

�� Eirie settled, not realizing that Shi had been talking to
himself.

*****

�� Are you ok?� Vel asked as the two of them ate their lunch
together Monday in the school�s cafeteria.

�� Shi nodded, but didn�t say anything. Vel frowned at him.
His best friend had been acting strangely ever since this morning. He hardly
spoke, which was weird for Shi, who always said hi first, and he wasn�t even
eating his lunch. Their seemed to be a dark cloud that followed him everywhere
and Vel really didn�t like the weird look in Shi�s eyes. He couldn�t help but
be worried about him. For some reason, the sad expression on
the other blonde�s face made Vel�s stomach twist into knots.

�� Are you still sick?� he tried to get Shi to talk to him.
He remembered how his supposed grandfather had answered the phone on Friday and
how suspicious he had been. He had talked to Shi hours before, so how could he
have been too sick to answer the phone? But Shi was still acting like he wasn�t
feeling well, so maybe it had been that bad.

�� Shi shook his head again.

�� I�m fine,� he murmured, �I�m just tired.�

�� He didn�t tell Vel that he had spent the entire weekend
tossing and turning on his bedroom floor, unable to sleep because of nightmares
and his fears. He was just so happy, being with his friend. It was giving him
all the contrast he needed between the old world and this new one he had found
himself in. Vel still cared for him� his brother was safe� his family was still
intact� these were the only things that mattered to him anymore.

�� But it was so hard concentrating during school and trying
to pretend that everything was fine, that it was just like it had always been.
Being around his brother had helped, the proof that he had done well, and his
smiles had always made Shi smile, even if he felt like he had nothing to smile
about. Going to school had been much harder than dealing with his family. Just
seeing Vel again, knowing what he had done that Friday night and feeling dirty
and ashamed, had been painful, but also wonderful, because Vel had somehow
managed to make some of the darkness go away just by being there. Once again,
he wondered if he could survive these strange feelings. He didn�t even feel
like eating. It was actually a massive relief to be at school, so he didn�t
have to force himself to eat.

�� All he could think about was how many days, how many hours,
how minutes, how many seconds before he had to see his grandfather again. He
told himself that it was just exhaustion. He had slept about ten hours between
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and he was starting to feel like he was on some
terrible rollercoaster that would never stop. He felt sick to his stomach all
the time. When he was at home, he forced himself to eat because he didn�t want
his parents to think that there was something wrong with him, but he felt so
horribly sick afterwards. The only thing that didn�t make him feel that way was
water. So, he drank and drank and drank, to try to fool himself that he was
putting something inside of him that would make him less hungry.

�� He felt angry all the time now, too. When he was around his
family, it wasn�t so bad, just a dull roar inside of him, but when he had gone
to school, it had awoken in him, like a ferocious beast. Every look from his
peers had sent waves of it through his heart and he had wanted to hurt them, to
put them in their place so they wouldn�t look
at him anymore! He hated this new part of himself. He didn�t want to hurt
anyone, right? He wasn�t that kind of person� but now� he just felt this rage inside�

�� Shi got up to dump his lunch into the trash and bumped into
another boy.

�� Watch where you�re going, blondie!�
the boy jeered at him and strode off.

�� Shi�s hand curled into a fist and his anger was so great,
his entire arm shook with it. He was suddenly overcome with the desire to chase
after the boy and beat him to a pulp. It was only Vel�s hand suddenly on his
arm that stopped him from doing it. And suddenly, just like that, the worst of
the anger started to ebb off at his friend�s presence.

�� Shi, it�s ok,� Vel insisted,
scared by the sudden emotion in Shi�s eyes, that had seemed so dark only a few
seconds ago. But once that fiery emotion was gone and the darkness came back in
them, Vel found that he was actually more scared by the darkness than the
anger. Why was Shi so sad? He couldn�t figure out why he had that look.

�� Thank you,� Shi said and for a moment, Vel thought that
the old Shi was back, even if he couldn�t figure out why Shi was thanking him.

�� They left the cafeteria with Shi thinking about his shaking
fist and the clock in his head that was still ticking down the seconds until
Saturday.

�*****

�� When Saturday finally did arrive, Shi was such a mass of
nerves, he couldn�t eat or sleep, even drinking didn�t help it. That week had been
bad enough. He had failed his math test on Friday because he had been too
anxious about the weekend to study or sleep. His dad had been upset, but to
Shi�s surprise, he hadn�t yelled at him, he was just worried that Shi was
coming down with something serious. His mother had wanted to take him to the
doctor�s, but his father had wanted to wait until he was sure Shi was getting
sick. Shi was glad. He didn�t want some strange man poking and prodding him.
Doctor�s visits had been unpleasant in the past, but now� he didn�t know if he
could sit through one anymore. He just couldn�t go through the motions of class
anymore, his mind distant and unfocused. Vel knew there was something wrong,
Shi realized, but his concern only made him happy. He thought that, if he lost
his friend now, he might break even more than he already had.

�� Saturday greeted him with intense nausea and a strange
chill that Shi knew had nothing to do with any illness. His body shook as he
lied on his bedroom floor, thinking of all the things his grandfather was going
to do to him when he came. His heart pounded violently even as he lied
perfectly still. When he finally got up that morning, it was to vomit. His dad
had heard him and, to Shi�s immense relief, had decided that he and Anjaleque would
stay home, worried about him. That relief had shattered when Anjaleque had
welcomed Cree into the house anyway, saying that they could stay home together.
To Shi�s surprise, his grandfather hadn�t seemed at all put off by this, which
confused him. Had his promise that they would do this more than once been a
bluff? Hope crawled sneakily into his heart and died when his grandfather
suggested taking him and Eirie outside for a little fresh air.

�� It had been warm that day, so when their grandfather told Eirie
to stay by the swings while he and Shi talked privately, Eirie had been happy
just to swing and play in their back yard. Shi had known what was going to
happen even before Cree had led him to the shed where his father had the yard
tools. Cree had locked the door behind them and Shi�s private hell had repeated
itself. Well, it wasn�t quite a repeat. This time, Cree had used more of the
slippery stuff and he hadn�t bled like he had the first time, but it had still
hurt.

�� When they had finished and Eirie had greeted them by the
swing set, Shi had thought that he would burst into tears, but he was used to
pushing them down by then. They had gone inside and Shi had immediately found
himself in the bathroom again, dry heaving. His mother had been alarmed by this
and had tucked him into bed, his grandfather leaving early. For the first time
since he had been Eirie�s age, she had sung him to sleep and for the first time
in over a week, he slept in his bed. It was inevitable, his subconscious had
finally realized, and he had to get used to sleeping in this bed or he would
probably go insane from fear and lack of sleep. It was a good thing to start
sleeping there, anyway. Sooner or later, his mother was going to find out, he
realized, and he didn�t want her to stop tucking him in at night just because
he was scared of her finding out that he was sleeping on the floor. When he
woke Sunday, he learned that Cree would likely be visiting every weekend. This
time, instead of the violent reaction of that week, he just felt numb again and
accepted it.

�� It had almost made him laugh. He was in hell and he had
better get used to it, because things wouldn�t ever get better. Then, after
much begging and pleading from Shi to his mother who thought he had the flu,
Vel visited to play and Shi grabbed his light through the dark clouds that was
his new life, thinking that without him, he would lose his mind. By Monday, the
residual nausea of being in a state of fear for so long had finally worn off,
but school wasn�t any better than staying at home. His hell followed him
wherever he went now. There was no stopping it.

�� He went to Math on Monday and found that his father had
called his teacher and had explained Shi�s illness to him. His teacher was
willing to let him make it up and Shi vowed that, this time, he would try as
hard as he could, so his dad would be proud of him. What unsettled Shi more
than the dark feelings that his grandfather had awoken in him was the fact
that, as the days passed him by, he was starting to see what had happened as
less shocking and more� a part of his life. You weren�t supposed to feel that
way, were you? But he did. He still had nightmares, but they weren�t as vivid.
Damn, but� he was getting used to all of it.

�� The only thing he wasn�t getting used to was the anger. It
wasn�t bad at all when Vel was around, but sometimes, the feeling took him
completely by surprise. Still, he was able to smile now, and that went a long
way to keep Vel from asking Shi questions that he was neither ready to tell the
truth about, or lie about. He didn�t realize that Vel was still worried about
him, though that feeling faded a little when Shi sat down at lunch with him and
ate his food, unlike last week.

�� You want to hang out Friday?� Vel asked as he undid the
top of his pudding cup. Well, it was really Shi�s pudding cup, but Shi had
gotten so frustrated with Vel�s poor quality lunch, he had begged his mom to
give him two of them and she had conceded.

�� Shi nodded his head vigorously. A day with Vel was exactly
what he needed.

�� How about a sleep over at your house?�
Vel suggested.

�� He would never admit it out loud, but Vel hated his home.
Nothing had changed since they had first moved there. His mother still wouldn�t
talk to him unless he did something that she found immoral. The only time they
were ever physically close to each other was when they were sitting at the pews
in church. His mom dragged them there all the time, at least four times a week.
She made Vel go to confession while she taught Taka how to pray �properly�.
When he was forced to walk down those long rows up to the booth, and was
affectively trapped in the small box, he would look back and see her holding Taka�s hands together, them smiling at each other, and feel
a terrible bitterness inside.

�� She was punishing him and rewarding Taka, he had realized
on night. He had to confess sins he had never even committed while his brother
got to ask God for things, like they were good friends. When he told the priest
on the other side of the booth that he didn�t have any sins to confess, he was always scolded for lying and in
the end, would just lie about stealing and swearing so he could leave the
claustrophobic cage. At the end of these sessions, Vel would think that, if
this was what religion was about, then he hated God. He would then swiftly
pinch his arm so hard, he would end up bleeding, because his mother told him
that turning ones back on God was the worst sin of all, and such thoughts were
evil. He didn�t want to be evil. More than that, he didn�t want his mother to
think he was evil.

�� She hated him and he knew that, so he would do anything for
her to make her love him again. He sat quietly in church and thought of time
when she had loved him instead of thinking about how great God was. Was that a
sin, too? He couldn�t keep track of all the things that were sins and things
that were good. It even seemed like one thing could be both good and evil at
the same time. It just made his head hurt, but his mother loved going to church
and talking about God�s greatness, so he went without comment.

�� Going to Shi�s house was the most wonderful thing in the
world. There were no crosses, no mothers with cold looks, or little brothers
who were lavished upon while he was expected to always be loving and protective
of him. Shi�s mother was always kind to him and kissed him on the cheek and
made his favorite foods, even if her own children didn�t like them as much. Why
couldn�t he have a mother like that? That was all he wanted, a mother who loved
him, a father that would look at him like Shi�s father
looked at his sons. Oh, but he wasn�t jealous of Shi. He loved him too much to
ever be jealous of him. You weren�t supposed to be jealous of your friends
anyway. He was pretty sure that that was a sin, too.

�� No!� Shi shouted.

�� Vel stared at him with wide eyes. Shi loved it when he
slept over. Of course, Shi was acting so weird lately� it hurt him to realize
that whatever was going on, Shi wasn�t telling him. Yeah, that hurt,
considering that Shi told him everything and never lied.

�� What I mean is,� Shi immediately back pedaled, his heart
pounding at the thought of Vel meeting his grandfather face to face, �My
grandfather is coming over Saturday, so you can sleep over Saturday night when
he leaves, but not Friday. He�ll probably show up Saturday afternoon.�

�� Vel sighed at the explanation.

�� Your grandfather visits an awful lot, doesn�t he?� he
asked.

�� His relatives never visited, but even if they did, they
wouldn�t visit three weekends in a row. Shi shrugged at the comment.

�� You don�t like him very much do you? Why
not?� Vel questioned.

�� Shi didn�t like talking about his grandfather, so Vel knew
that he was poking the bear with a sharp stick, but he was genuinely curious.
Shi didn�t like his Aunt Ursula, either, but he had never been shy about
letting Vel knowing what it was about her that he found so irritating.

�� He�s a jerk,� Shi answered tersely.

�� A jerk?� Vel raised one
white-blonde eyebrow, �But he seemed so nice on the phone��

�� Well, he�s not,� Shi snapped, �He�s mean.�

�� Ok, he�s mean. Why don�t you just tell your mom not to let
him come around again if he�s mean to you?� Vel left it at that.

�� If Shi said that his grandfather was mean, then he was
mean, that was all there was to it. Shi stared at him in shock.

�� You believe me?� he whispered.

�� Shi�s voice was so small and in awe that Vel found himself
starting back, shocked at the change in his best friend. He nodded slowly.

�� Of course I believe you, why would you lie?� he pointed
out.

�� Shi swallowed roughly. He had been so scared of no one
believing him if he said anything bad about his grandfather, he had never
considered that someone, especially Vel, would believe him.

�� She loves him,� he said meekly, �I mean, that�s her daddy,
so of course she loves him. I can�t hurt her like that.�

�� I guess not,� Vel mused.

�� He had the same problem. He thought that his mother would
feel a lot better if she started dating again. If she found someone to love,
she would stop obsessing about his father, he was sure of that. But he also
knew that, if he brought up the subject, it would just hurt her, and he didn�t
want to do that.

�� Hey, you wanna see a picture my
little brother drew?� Shi suddenly asked excitedly.

�� He was so sick of all these depressing things. He didn�t
want to think or talk about his grandfather anymore. Vel nodded and Shi took a
piece of paper out of his book bag that had been packaged with care. Vel stared
at it in surprise.

�� This is beautiful,� he murmured.

�� On the paper, Eirie had drawn the field behind their house
in perfect detail and vibrant color. Well, as perfect detail as a four year old
could manage, but it was done much better than other four year olds could have
drawn it. The hundreds of butterflies fluttering above the high grass were also
done in excruciating detail that made Vel truly appreciate the care and beauty
that had been put into it.

�� Isn�t it?� Shi said with a big grin, �He�s going to be big
one day! I mean, he�s always drawing, but when he really puts effort into it,
it�s amazing. I wish I had a talent like that.�

�� Vel smirked.

�� You�ll find a talent one day,� he said.

�� Shi snorted.

�� Yeah, right. I�m not smart or
talented in anything. So I can play sports ok, so what? I don�t want to be a
stupid jock,� he pouted.

�� Vel laughed.

�� Shi, there are kids twice my age who would kill to be a
jock. High school sports are serious business. You could get a scholarship or
something�� he tried to point out.

�� I don�t care,� Shi protested, �Sports are pointless. Who
cares if you score a goal? Sure, winning is nice, but it�s not important. But
Eirie�s drawings� he could be in a gallery when he�s grown up. He could really
make people feel things! Art is more important.�

�� Hey what�s this?� a snide voice came from behind Vel and
the picture was plucked from his fingers.

�� Hey, give it back!� Vel demanded, whirling in his seat.

�� The boy that he had had a confrontation with weeks ago
about his relationship with Vel was standing there, the picture clutched in his
hand and a superior smirk on his face. Shi got to his feet, his rage awakening
and hissing.

�� Give it back,� he growled, storming up to the boy, �That�s
my brother�s, so you�d better give it back!�

�� The boy cruelly waved the drawing at him.

�� Oh, poor baby. Did I steal your
beloved brother�s pretty picture? If you love him so much, why don�t you marry
him? Though, I guess your wedding night would be pretty sick!� the boy shoved
Shi back.

�� The rage came full force, in a way
that he hadn�t felt since the night Cree had raped him. He had had plenty of
fights in the last two weeks, so bitter and angry about his fate, he no longer
was able to control his feelings, but he had never before wanted to hurt
someone so much as this boy.

�� I thought I made
things clear, either I do this to you� or your brother.�

��

�� Shi didn�t even realize that he wasn�t breathing anymore,
his heart racing wildly in his chest. He� he wasn�t like his grandfather, was
he? They were related by blood, so there, inevitably, were things that were
alike about them, and that sickened Shi thoroughly. Were they alike in� that,
too? Was that what this boy was implying? That he loved his little brother so
much that he wanted to have sex with him? Was that why his grandfather had done
it? Because he loved him so much?

�� It ate at his heart. This boy didn�t know the lengths he
had gone to protect the little brother that he loved. He didn�t know how
hellish school was for him, not just because he couldn�t concentrate or that he
was jealous of his classmates, who had remained the same, unchanged. He couldn�t
concentrate, not because of his nightmares, though that was a small part of it,
but because of his intense fear of his grandfather coming after Eirie while he
was at school. He couldn�t stop thinking of that, hating school because he
couldn�t be there to protect his brother. He counted down the seconds when he
could see his brother again, when he had to see his grandfather again, when he
could see Vel� he was always counting down time, hoping that the unpleasant
moments would just pass him by. So how dare this boy assume to know anything?!
He was hurting� always hurting� and he was so sick of it� why couldn�t someone
else be in pain?

�� The boy was falling backwards to the floor before Shi had
even realized he had punched him in the face. Blood poured out of the boy�s
nose and he curled up on the ground, crying over the force and pain of the
blow. Both Shi and Vel were in shock over it. Shi saw the blood and felt panic
wrap over his heart. He had punched him. Not just a little tap, either, but he
might have broken the other boy�s nose. He had� struck someone. He was no
better than his grandfather�

�� Shi, breathe,� Vel ordered and Shi realized that he had
grabbed him by the arms.

�� Matthews, principal�s office!� a nearby teacher screamed
as he ran over to tend with the fallen boy.

�� Shi stared there in shock, hating himself, but rage still
curled and slithered in him. It told him to make another boy at the boy for his
slight, to kick him until his ribs broke and he was smeared with blood�

�� Bile rose in his throat. What was happening to him? He
wasn�t like this and yet� and yet� it had felt so good. For once, someone else
was hurting and it wasn�t him. He felt happy, having taken his revenge, and
sick at the same time.

�� Matthews, now!� the teacher yelled.

�� Shi, c�mon,� Vel pulled Shi away.

*****

�� Shi sat outside of the principal�s office on one of the
uncomfortable chairs as the principal talked to several witnesses to his
assault. The man had already questioned him, as well as scolding him harshly
for punching the other boy. He stared at his shoelaces. Vel was in there, too,
but Shi couldn�t hear what they were talking about, he could only guess. He was
going to be expelled, he just knew it. His parents were going to be so
disappointed with him and Vel� Vel had to hate him, be embarrassed by him.
Would he not want to be friends anymore?

�� Anxiety tore through him, replacing his anger. He hadn�t
meant to hit him� but he had. There was still that feeling of triumph in him
that he hated, but the violence had felt so good, and that scared him. The door
to the hallway swung open and Shi looked up, paling when he saw his mother and
father, with Eirie in tow, walking towards him.

�� Dad�� he started, but found that he had nothing to say.

�� Sorry didn�t seem to be good enough. He was suddenly
terrified of his father�s disappointment in him. He couldn�t bear to lose his
love. Eirie didn�t seem to realize that something bad was happening and jumped
onto Shi�s lap.

�� Hi, Shi!� he cheered.

�� Shi watched his parents as they went to the door. His
father had a strange look to him and Shi felt his heart sink. Then, his mother
smiled at him and it lifted again. Wasn�t she supposed to be angry at him?

�� We�ll talk to you as soon as we�re done,� his father said,
but there was no anger in his voice.

�� Shi�s eyes followed them as they disappeared inside the
office. His eyes then met Eirie�s and he hugged him, not sure what to think or
feel about all of this.

*****

�� Anjaleque and Jonathan sat silently next to each other in
the principal�s office as the man explained the situation to them. Vel sat on
another chair, looking massively uncomfortable. Anjaleque fidgeted as the
principal told her that her child had hit a classmate.

�� I�m sorry, but I just can�t believe that Shi hit someone
without� some kind of reason!� she protested the principal�s interpretation of
her son as some kind of bully.

�� The principal snorted at her naivet�.

�� Mrs. Matthews, I know this is shocking, but other boys
witnessed the fight. Your son brutalized another classmate, not in self
defense, but for the pleasure of it! I�m afraid expulsion is the best action-,�

�� That�s far too harsh,� Jonathan said coolly, �Shi has
never done anything like this before, there is no
reason to expel him.�

�� I�ve talked to several boys about the fight,� the
principal protested, �He had no reason for doing it. I can�t have someone like
that at my school. Your child is a loose cannon!�

�� He took Eirie�s picture,� Vel murmured, his shy voice
breaking through the tense atmosphere of the room.

�� Excuse me?� the principal asked in a bored tone.

�� Vel looked at him, pushing past his shyness for his best
friend�s sake.

�� He took the picture that Eirie drew from Shi. Shi tried to
get it back, but the boy, he said� he said something nasty to him, about taking
his little brother as a lover and Shi hit him.�

�� The other boys never said anything about that,� the
principal said skeptically.

�� That�s because those boys hate Shi,� Vel snapped at him,
anger making him bold, �If you knew anything about him
before you condemned him, you�d know that everyone in this stupid school except
for me hates him!�

�� Anjaleque paled at this bit of news.

�� Is he being bullied?� she asked in shock.

�� She knew that Shi only had Vel for a friend, but she had
never considered that his classmates might actually not like him. Vel shook his
head, making Anjaleque feel only a small bit of relief.

�� No, but they aren�t nice to him, either. Or me, because of our eyes� I�d fought with that boy before,
he�s in my grade, that�s why he picked on Shi today,� Vel informed them.

�� And you think that makes it right that your friend hit
another classmate?� the principal asked, calming down in the face of these new
facts.

�� Vel shook his head.

�� No, but Shi doesn�t think it was right, either. You didn�t
see him afterwards,� Vel told him, �He was so shocked by what he had done. If
you�re trying to teach him a lesson, or protect the other students, well, he�s
already feeling guilty over it and he won�t do that again. I�ve known him for
years and I know when he�s learned a lesson.�

�� The principal seemed to think over what Vel was saying and
sighed heavily, wiping a hand over his face.

�� He�s been confrontational lately,� Vel continued to try to
convince the man, �I think there�s something wrong with him. I�m not saying
that�s an excuse, but expelling him isn�t going to help him.�

�� So you noticed it, too?� Jonathan mused, almost to
himself.

�� Vel, you�re absolutely sure about this?� Anjaleque asked,
thinking about her own observations of her child�s behavior.

�� Vel nodded.

�� He was his old self last Friday,� he told her, �But after
that� he�s just been so tense and quiet lately. His head�s been in the clouds,
too. He�s just� not like he usually is.�

�� Has he gotten into a lot of fights lately?� Jonathan
asked.

�� Vel looked over at the principal nervously, not wanting to
lie to his friend�s father, but not wanting to make things worse for Shi,
either.

�� Yeah, but nothing like this,� he tried to explain, �I
mean, he�s just yelled and acted really, I don�t know, edgy or something. But
he�s never let people bother him before like he does now.�

�� Anjaleque bit her lip and wondered how all of this could
have gotten past her. Yes, she had known that there was something� different
about Shi, but she had just attributed it to him growing up, not to something
that might be abnormal or bad. But if Vel said that there was something wrong
with Shi, she had to trust his judgment. She knew that parents only saw a part
of their children and the rest belonged to their friends. She had been the same
way growing up. It worried her, that Shi could do something like this. She was
supposed to be angry at him, but she wasn�t.

�� She could understand why someone would have hit the boy for
what he had said, she just couldn�t understand why Shi
had done it. What Vel had said was true, Shi was
usually very gentle and kind. Sure, he had his temper tantrums and got
frustrated easily, but she had never seen him be violent before and this�
incident scared her. She was just worried about him, not mad. Maybe it was
because she was his mother, but she wasn�t even sure if she should punish him
for this. Shi knew that what he had done was wrong and he was probably confused
and hurting� there was something in her heart that was telling her that
punishing him for this was not the right thing to do.

�� She looked out the tiny window to the waiting area and saw
Shi, tickling Eirie, the both of them having bright smiles. She smiled, too.
Whatever was bothering Shi, he acted like his old self when he was around his
baby brother. Maybe that was why she hadn�t noticed his behavior while to Vel,
it had been obvious.

�� Anjaleque looked over at her husband and saw the same
conviction in her husband�s eyes. They needed to talk to Shi about this, not
yell or ground him for what he had done. Maybe they would have to, but not
until she was sure that there wasn�t something deeper going on with him.

�� I�m not a counselor,� the principal told them, �But I
suggest you take Shi to see one. In the meantime�� he sighed again. Jonathan
thought the man had a habit of doing that when he was frustrated or confused,
�I won�t expel him, but you do realize that this is a serious matter?�

�� Shi�s parents nodded in agreement.

�� I have to give him two days� suspension. He attacked
another student. Regardless of his motives, he has to learn that violence is
not acceptable here. That�s as lenient as I can be. I highly suggest you sort
out whatever problems he�s having before he comes back,� the man advised.

�� Thank you,� Shi�s father said in gratitude, relieved, not
for his sake, but Shi�s.

�� Vel released the heavy breath he had been holding in and
collected his things, leaving the office. Shi was still sitting on the chairs
outside of the office and was playing with his little brother. Seeing the two
interact with each other made Vel smile despite the tense feeling he had had in
the principal�s office. Even before the divorce, he and Taka had never had a
relationship like Shi and Eirie did. They truly loved each other. Vel believed
that, if the same thing had happened to Shi�s family, Shi would continue to
love his baby brother, just as much as he did now. But such a thing would never
happen to Shi�s parents. They loved each other too much.

�� He was just a bystander, an outsider, but Vel saw the proof
of their love every time he visited Shi�s home. His own father had been distant
from his mother and she had been lonely. Now, she called her actions weak and
evil, but Vel easily understood why she had had the affair. If you were lonely
enough to do something like that, it had to be pretty painful. He should hate
her for driving apart their family and he did want to hate her, but she was
still his mother and he knew that he loved her. He even wanted the relationship
Shi had with Eirie with his own little brother, but being around Taka hurt too
much.

�� Shi looked up as Vel approached him, moving Eirie from his
lap to the chair next to his. Eirie pouted a little, but took the sudden lack
of attention well, staying quiet as Shi regarded his best friend with
hesitance, his eyes sad and pensive.

�� Are you ashamed of me?� Shi asked in a small voice that
didn�t suit him.

�� The question reminded Vel of the incident a few weeks ago, when Shi had thought he had hated him when Vel had only
been preoccupied with his father�s visit. He snorted, dismissing Shi�s
anxieties.

�� Don�t be stupid,� he said, �I mean, if was pretty amazing.
You knocked out a kid three grades above you with one hit! People�ll
be talking about it for weeks.�

�� The silly thing was, Vel did think it was impressive. He hadn�t
said it to the principal, in fact, he had no plans of
telling anyone about his feelings except for Shi. Shi wasn�t a tiny, little
kid, but he wasn�t huge, either, just tall, yet he had broken the boy�s nose in
a single punch. Of course, Shi shouldn�t have hit him in the first place, Vel
agreed with the principal on that and his anger had scared Vel, but it had also
been a little bit cool to watch, like a movie where the shy kid who was always
bullied stood up to the mean kids and actually won. It was a scenario he had
fantasized doing himself, but Shi had actually done it!

�� Vel hadn�t told Shi about it, but he was already a little
bit of a legend among the younger kids. Shi Matthews, the
nine year old who had knocked out a renowned twelve year old bully with one
blow. It was the sort of story that little kids, especially ones that
were used to being picked on by the older ones, latched onto gleefully. Of
course, this story wouldn�t make Shi any friends. If anything, it would fuel
the rumors that Shi was aggressive and scary, which wasn�t fair. Vel didn�t
really care beyond the fact that Shi didn�t deserve that, he knew that Shi
wasn�t like that at all. It was true that he had been tense and argumentative
lately, but Vel was sure that if that boy hadn�t said that nasty thing about
Eirie, Shi never would have punched him.

�� It wasn�t cool,� Shi murmured, �It was just scary. Scary and wrong.�

�� Vel was taken aback by his ashamed tone and tried to put
himself in Shi�s place. To have done that much damage in a moment of brief
anger, with only one hit� he probably would have been scared, too.

�� Shi, it�s not like that,� he tried to comfort his friend,
sitting down in the other chair that was next to him.

�� Shi blushed, which only confused Vel.

�� You aren�t a bully,� Vel pointed out, �That kid was,
though. You know that. Remember a couple of weeks ago? He was always doing
stuff like that, and not just to me.�

�� But I didn�t mean to hit him,� Shi protested, �I was just
so angry� I didn�t even know what I was doing until he was on the ground,
crying. And there was all that blood� how could I do something like that? How
can anyone not even know what they�re doing, have no� control� What if I do it
again and I can�t even stop it?�

�� Shi�s voice got a horrified tone to it and Vel panicked at
the sound of it. He grabbed Shi�s arms, forcing the other boy to look at him.

�� You aren�t like that! Everyone gets angry,
everyone does things that they regret, that doesn�t make you a monster. You�re
sorry for what you did and that makes a huge difference. You might get angry
again� but this time, I know you�ll hesitate. You won�t do the same thing twice
because you get that what happened is wrong. Do you get it? Besides, you�ve got
me watching your back,� Vel pointed out.

�� Shi�s look turned hopeful.

�� Then� you�re not scared of me?� he asked.

�� Everyone else was scared of him, had been long before now,
just because of how he looked, so why wasn�t Vel? Vel
shook his head.

�� No. Never. There is nothing you
can do that will ever make me hate you or be scared of you,� he said with
conviction, �And you�ll make sure that I won�t do something like this again?�
the darker blonde asked.

�� I promise,� Vel vowed.

�� The door to the principal�s office opened and Shi�s parents
came out. She tensed. He waited for his father to yell at him, for his mother
to look at him in disappointment. His mother walked up to him and, to Shi�s
shock, she was smiling. That smile told him all that he needed to know. He was forgive, at least to the point that his parents didn�t hate him. He still expected to be
punished, though.

�� Ready to go home?� she asked.

�� Shi nodded. He had been ready to go home from the moment
that boy had opened his stupid mouth. He was a bit scared of the talk with his
parents that was inevitable, but right now, he would rather be anywhere than
school.

�� We�ll drive you home, too, Vel,� his father offered and
Vel nodded in gratitude.

�� Thank you, sir,� he said.

�� Jonathan chuckled, always amused at Vel�s respectful
attitude towards him.

�� Jonathan brushed his hand over Vel�s silken hair and Vel
blushed darkly. The affectionate gesture filled his heart with warmth at the
same time that it caused him a deep pain, reminding him of his own father for a
brief moment. Shi hopped off the chair, helping Eirie off his. His mother
offered Shi her hand to hold. She didn�t expect him to hold it. Maybe if he had
been Eirie�s age, but no nine year old boy wanted to be seen holding his
mother�s hand by his classmates. To her surprise, he took her hand without any
hesitation. Feeling his hand in hers, she still couldn�t believe that this
affectionate boy had done what everyone had said he had done.

End Part 3
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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows