A Cost Too High

Chapter three:

“General…” Riza said softly and he felt her hand on his. Roy wanted to ignore her and run back to the sleep that still had hold of him. Whatever she had to say could wait. He was in pain again, the medication wearing off, and if he slept it wouldn’t be so bad.

“General, Lt. Colonel Armstrong and Edward are here.” She tried again with more explanation. “And the nurse with more medication for you.”

Medication…Edward… Edward... The boy was alive and here, finally here but in what condition? Was he hurt? Roy perked up, taking a deep breath and winced from the pain. Livi, the small cat stirred on his chest and he felt Riza lift her from him.

Some one with soft footfalls came close and he felt the nurse checking his vitals. Roy pushed the nurse’s hand away, “Could you give us a moment?” He asked, wishing he could see, wishing he could assess the situation properly.

“Of course,” The woman, a sweet voiced creature said. He thought he recognized her voice but couldn’t be sure. She left them, closing the door.

“Who is in the room?” Roy asked quietly, he didn’t want unwanted ears overhearing anything.

“Armstrong, Edward, and I, it’s alright to talk.” Riza replied in kind, soft tones. Her hand rested on his again for added assurance. “Should I have Armstrong stand guard with Havoc?”

“No,” Roy said and groaned as he tried to sit up more. Riza was there to assist, putting an extra pillow behind his back and another behind his head and Roy wondered why there was a lack of noise from Edward. He thought there would have been something but perhaps the young man was in shock or maybe he’d been told of his superior’s condition before arriving. Either way Roy hated it and hated more than anything that he couldn’t see Edward for himself.

“Ed, come here.” He wouldn’t have asked if he could see. He knew Ed didn’t like to be touched, didn’t like to get too close to anyone. There was a moment’s hesitation and then a hushed word from Armstrong before movement. Roy listened for the familiar uneven footfalls and when he only heard two normal feet approaching, he shifted uncomfortably. Still he reached out, feeling the air blindly for the blonde alchemist.

His fingers touched hair first and they remembered the texture well. Edward had oddly soft hair for a young man. Roy remembered the moment he’d dared to touch Ed’s blonde tresses. Edward had been sleeping in the infirmary one of the times he’d come back from a mission banged up. It was interesting that he’d left his hair down when he usually kept it braided or pulled back…

Roy could have run his fingers through that hair for a good hour, just for comfort but his or Edward’s he wasn’t certain and it was silly to think that Edward might need comfort… unless he was injured and then he doubted that Edward would let him. For that matter he was surprised that Edward was letting him get away with it thus far.

Still the General investigated further and found the all too familiar fabric of a uniform. That wasn’t right. Edward would never don the Army garb for anything. Not even when Roy asked and nearly threatened. Of course Roy had just wanted to see Edward in something other than those black clothes he always wore… He sniffed the air because something else peculiar and wrong about this entered his mind.

He smelled… no oil, there wasn’t even the faintest trace of the scent of oil and there always was when near Edward. Fullmetal smelled of oil and sweat or soap and oil, the oil from his auto-mail…

Roy pulled his hands back as if he’d been burned, anger filling him “This is not Edward!” He turned his head toward where he knew Riza was, “Did you think that because I can’t see I wouldn’t notice?! Did you think you could slip a stand in by me? Why the hell would you do something like this?!” He shouted.

Ed stepped back and lowered his eyes to the ground.

When he had first arrived at Central he asked Armstrong for a uniform so that no one else would see how deformed he was – what an odd way for him to view himself considering that for the first time in years he was finally whole. So far the only person to know of Ed’s arm and leg was the Major, or rather, Lieutenant Colonel, and Edward wanted to keep it that way. He couldn’t answer questions about it yet, he didn’t want to tell people how he’d failed. He knew if he let such words cross his lips he would have to face the reality that he was all alone in the world and the one person he truly loved was dead.

Even when Armstrong had asked about his body, he’d refused to talk about it and thankfully the large emotional man let it be, but Ed knew Mustang and Hawkeye would be a bit more persistent, thus the uniform and bandaged hand to hide him from their eyes.

Eyes.

That wasn’t the case with Roy… Roy was… was he blind!? Armstrong had mentioned that Roy wasn’t in the best of shape but not for an instant did Edward think that the sturdy man would be bedridden, wrapped in gauze, and left sightless and vulnerable.

All of those worries and wonders had faded away though when the man asked him to come forward and then touched his hair and felt him searching to know him. Ed shivered at the soft touches feeling embarrassed by them and even flushing a little. It bothered him to be touched and yet he didn’t push the General away or tell him to stop. He owed Roy that much, he supposed, the right to touch that which he could not see.

But then the General accused Ed of being false and all the young alchemist could think was, you’re right.

Heat flooded his face as he stared down at the ground. Before Riza or Armstrong could say anything to correct the man’s words and assumptions, Edward made a dash for the door. As far as Ed was concerned, if the General didn’t want to believe it was him, then he didn’t have to!

“Edward!” Armstrong bellowed and moved quickly to block the smaller man from the door.

“Heh, you heard what the General said: I’m not Edward. So there’s no reason for me to keep pretending.” He said bitterly but with a great deal of fire behind his words. Glancing back at Roy who still seemed confused and looked utterly betrayed, Ed grumbled, “Probably thought I was a girl, the way he was fondling my hair.”

The sound of his voice, the attitude and almost but not quite hidden pain… It was Edward but something was wrong, different in the sense of something ominous and something very significant was missing… This wasn’t right, none of this was. His scent, the fabric of a uniform, his hair left down. Roy wished he could tear the gauze from his face and have a look for himself, to see what was amiss…

Roy had to know what it was for Edward was his subordinate, his friend. They hadn’t always seen eye to eye or gotten along, they’d fought and bumped heads, and heaven’s knew he’d manipulated Edward a time or two with good intention, even teased the young man to see how spastic and riled he’d get, but he still considered the bright young alchemist his friend. And as a friend, he’d looked after Edward and his brother many a time and once again it was his duty and right to do so again.

But time and the pains from his injuries were working against him and while the pain was barely tolerable now, it wouldn’t be too long before it would be too much to bear.

“That wasn’t fair, Ed.” Riza chided sternly. She was almost motherly about it.

Roy sighed, letting out a soft groan as he shifted once again in the bed to attain more comfort. “I’ll let it slide for now. Hawkeye, take a break and get something to eat. I know you haven’t left me for days. Armstrong and Havoc will make sure Edward doesn’t bolt.” He turned his unseeing face toward where he’d heard Edward speak. “Come sit, Ed. Sounds like we need to have a talk.”

“Roy-“ Riza began.

Roy held up his hand to hush her, “I’ll be fine, I’ve got Ed to make sure I don’t do something stupid.”

“That’s not what I am worried about.” She muttered.

Roy smirked, “We’re really not that terrible and leave the cat.”

Ed waited until everyone had left before he moved from his place near the door and sat down with a soft thud into the chair beside Mustang’s bed. He looked down at his bandaged hand and gingerly ran his left hand over it, feeling all the swollen places. How could he have been so stupid? Of course his hand would end up like this after such a stupid display of ignorance. He never thought he’d think it, but not having auto-mail was going to be a real pain in the ass.

Swallowing at last he lifted his eyes to see Roy and a small orange tabby cat pawing cutely at the man’s hospital gown covered chest. “Cute cat. Looks like one of the kittens Al used to-“ his voice cracked and he looked away. Completely changing topics he scoffed, “What the hell did you mean when you said that I wasn’t Edward?”

Roy gently stroked the small feline until she curled up on his lap. “Her name is Livi and it is one of the kittens Al found. I was supposed to take it if you won the duel during your state alchemist recertification. Since I gave you the information you’d been looking for I thought it was only fair that I take the cat too…” He sighed and grit his teeth against the pain.

“I don’t have a lot of time here, Edward, so let’s get to heart of the matter. First, could you pour me a glass of water and hand it to me and while you do I’ll answer your question but in exchange you have to answer mine. As you can tell, I can’t… see… I’ve worn a uniform for years, more than I care to admit. I know the feel of the fabric, the sound it makes, how it feels against the flesh… I find it a bit strange that you are wearing one. Secondly, you don’t smell the same.” He paused smirking to himself and how bizarre and almost creepy that sounded.

“You always carried the scent of oil whether you’d just stepped off the train, been from a fight, or had a bath. It was always faint but there never the less. It’s gone now…” He paused again and reached out, searching for the alchemist with a sudden thread of excitement and hope, “Does this mean… Did you and Alphonse succeed?”

A smile began to quirk at his lips, despite his pain, the horrors he’d seen and agony in his heart, if Ed and Al got what they had fought so hard for, it would soothe his tattered soul and being. He could make peace with everything if only the Elric’s had gotten something out of this. And when the bandages were removed, he’d finally be able to see the proof of it, see Alphonse in his human body and Edward without the auto-mail. They could live normal lives again, start over, and have a real chance… In that, Roy could take or face anything. Their hope was his hope now.

“It wasn’t all for nothing? Tell me, Ed; tell me one of us achieved our goal after everything?”

Ed grimaced and glanced at the door wondering if Havoc and Armstrong were really on the other side. His insides felt like they were on fire as he listened to Roy talk about the smell of oil. It didn’t even strike Edward as perverted, no; rather it just made him nostalgic and guilt ridden. And then the General mentioned Alphonse. That kitten… that little girl kitten was the one Al had wanted so badly to keep. Ed remembered it. He’d given it a nice basket as they left it on the street. When the hell had Roy gone and retrieved it?! And why did that make him happy and angry at the same time.

Shaking his head, he swallowed the lump in his throat. “General…” he began, “I…” but he couldn’t continue in words just then. Instead he stood then slowly reached up and began unbuttoning his uniform. It was slow-going and difficult because his right hand was not only unfamiliar to him but also injured. Breathing shallowly he finished with the buttons and removed the blue over coat.

“Heh, you’re right about it being strange for me to wear a uniform. I hate these things. But I didn’t have any other clothes and I didn’t want… I didn’t want you to see…” Ironic, Ed thought, since the General was blind.

With a sigh he let the coat drop to the floor and then un-tucked the white buttoned shirt. Again he went down and unbuttoned it slowly meticulously. Finally, he shrugged it down and off of his body. His hair tickled his back and shoulders. Stepping closer to the bed he reached out with his left hand and clasped Roy’s wrist. He guided the man’s fingers to his face so that he could have a frame of reference, then he led the man’s inquisitive fingers down his throat and over to his right shoulder. From there he released the man’s wrist and allowed Roy to explore the new flesh on his own.

“My leg’s the same way.” He breathed and chewed the inside of his cheek.

Roy bit his lip against the pain caused by moving his arm but he bore it because Edward was letting someone, him of all people, touch him. Roy had often wondered if Edward had suffered from some kind of mental disorder where he couldn’t stand to be touched. Some people were like that and while there were no names for it yet, there were studies being done on it, or so the periodical scientific journals of Amestris stated. And other times he’d decided that Edward just didn’t like to be touched for fear of getting too close to another human being out of fear of losing them. There could have been a dozen reasons, they didn’t matter. Not in this one tiny moment.

He didn’t let his fingers stay too long on the young man’s face or neck and when he felt the soft warmth of flesh and bone and muscle under that very skin instead of the cold steel of auto-mail, it gave him pause. Was it real? Had they…

The wounded General pulled Edward closer and with both hands he gently gripped and felt the human arm from shoulder all the way to fingernails. It was a miracle! A thing he barely dared to think possible and might have cast all hope aside if not for the Elric’s determination. Yet it had happened and he was filled with a happiness not for himself but for the young man before him.

Roy smiled, moving his hand back to Ed’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to say other than, “How does it feel? I’ll bet it will take some getting used to and Alphonse… We’ll have to call Gracia and ask her to make a feast to celebrate.” Then he smirked, “So is Al taller than you?”

He’d almost shied away as the man pawed at him, happily feeling him all over. It was overwhelming not only because the skin was new and unusual for Edward, but also because of ‘who’ was touching him. Suddenly he reflected on the way the General had known that his body was different from the sounds and smells and, taking in the way the man was feeling him now, a single word formed in his mind: pervert.

Grimacing, he was about to pull away when Roy spoke to him and mentioned Al… mentioned celebrations… it was too much.

Yanking his arm back, he angrily reached down to and grabbed his shirt from the floor. “I wouldn’t know.” He bit and hastily pulled the cloth over him, covering his disgrace from a blind man. He missed buttons as his fingers fumbled with his shirt but once it was mostly put together he grabbed the over coat. Pausing for a moment, holding the dark blue fabric, he ground his teeth together and wrung the coat between his hands. His heart felt like it was being ripped into pieces. Little flashes of memory came back to him. He remembered Rose and he remembered drawing one last circle. The red on the floor and his arms turned blue as the transmutation began and then… and then… he saw his brother.

With a choked sob, he gripped the coat so tightly that his hands ached from the strain. “He’s gone,” he croaked out, barely above a whisper. “He’s gone… I couldn’t… I couldn’t bring him back.” His breathing sped up as he tried to no avail to keep himself together, to keep tears from falling.

Shaking, he stood there. Selfishly he was rather glad that Mustang was blind so that he couldn’t see how pathetic he was, couldn’t see failure etched upon every pore and more than obvious in his ill begotten limbs. It was wrong! All of it! He shouldn’t have limbs, hell, he shouldn’t even be alive. He was the older brother, he was supposed to take care of his younger sibling and he hadn’t!

“I w-would rather have auto-mail if it meant I could have him back.” He groaned sadly as tears pushed though. It had been so long since he’d really cried – when he’d first been brought back from the gate, he woken in tears, but this time was different. Before, he’d asked Rose why he was crying and in his ignorance, grief turned to panic, but now there was nothing left for him and so he clasped the blue coat to his chest and sobbed.

W-what?! It was the most prevalent thought in Roy’s mind. He couldn’t take a breath, couldn’t put his mind in motion, couldn’t get beyond Edward’s words… Alphonse Elric was…

Dead…

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They were both supposed to be whole, alive, happy and ready to move on with their lives, not like this. Not one alive and whole while the other was…

The General’s heart already broken from the loss of his best friend, the knowledge of the Fuhrer being a monster that he had to destroy, the sight of the same Fuhrer killing his own child, snapped and shattered for Edward’s pain and suffering. There were a lot of things Roy Mustang could bear but this, hearing Edward cry in such agony… He’d seen the boy cry only once before in his own terror a couple of years ago and again with that little girl, Nina Tucker, had been killed, but this was far too different. This was on a whole new level.

Roy wet his lips searching for something to say but there were no words. He couldn’t tell Edward to suck it up and use it to make him stronger. He couldn’t tell him that this was life and there was nothing anyone could do about it and he didn’t think even the most profound sorry could ease or soothe him. But he had to say something, anything.

“You’ll have to tell me what happened, Edward… I can guess that he must have given himself for you in some way, you two were always so devoted, and I can’t even imagine…” He reached out for Edward once more and his fingers met fabric, he tugged, gasping in pain as he pulled the young alchemist closer to him. He expected struggle – that was all Edward seemed capable of inwardly and outwardly on most days – but still, no matter the pain it would cause him physically, it would never compare to that of what Edward was feeling now.

Roy wrapped his arms around Edward, holding him firmly yet gently, “Let it out, Ed, its okay…” He said softly and knew what he had to do, accepted or not. “I’ll be out of here in a couple of days, Ed. You’re coming home with me, I have an extra room. Riza and I will take care of you; take care of everything whether or not you want us too. So don’t worry, just let it out.”

Through his grief he was only vaguely aware of Roy clutching him and pulling him close. Pressing his face against the man’s chest he obeyed, just like a damn dog with his owner, he obeyed. He let it out. All the tears he’d been holding in, the sorrow he’d felt whenever Al was in trouble, the strangled bitterness and horror he’d kept hidden when he killed the Homunculus that he himself had created from his own mother, the fury he’d felt in facing his father and then seeing him again on the other side of the gate only to learn the truth about him. The sensation of falling over and over again as the Edward from that other world passed away and then sensation of falling into darkness when Envy, Ed’s big brother, punched a hole straight through his chest. He’d died. Edward had died and he knew how cold and frightening it was to slip away until the pain was replaced with nothingness. Was that what Alphonse had felt, too, when he used himself up and brought Edward back from the gate in an exchange of life for a life?

Sobbing, he shook his head. “N-no…” he choked on tears and saliva. He couldn’t breathe and he wished he would just pass out already because as he stood half stood, half leaned into Roy, he could almost see his brother, almost hear his words… Something had happened in the gate when Edward attempted the final transmutation, but he couldn’t remember it just yet. All he had were glimpses of Al and the sensory memory of his brother drawing something on his back.

“G-General, I…” he gasped on the point of hyperventilating, “I can’t…t-talk about it yet…” he tried to pull away but found the man’s grip to be strong despite his weakened condition. “Dammit!”

Ed crumbled a little even hazarded to reach out his left hand and cling to the hospital gown. He sobbed freely for several long moments and as he finally calmed himself to mere sputters and hiccups, he couldn’t help but nuzzle his face toward a dry patch of Mustang’s gown. He pressed his flushed cheeks to the fabric and felt the warmth and the rise and fall of the General’s chest. In all honesty he couldn’t believe the weakness he was showing, the terror he was confessing to this man.

Mustang had fulfilled many roles in Ed’s life, even taking on the role of father figure a time or two, but never had the man been a soft consoler. Even when Edward had cried in the past, Roy had been harsh with him, told him to move forward, told him that hardships were to be expected when one chose a career with the military, and so to hear the man say that he would take care of him, that he wanted Edward to even live with him…

“I f-feel sick…” he whispered and then pulled back quickly almost stumbling. He managed to escape Roy’s arms but the momentum of his actions caused him to fall to the floor. Clutching his stomach he winced in pain. “You really shouldn’t worry about me, General… after all, you’re blind now. You need to worry about yourself.” He said this all through clenched teeth. He grunted at the pain in his gut and the pain his shoulder, almost as if the auto-mail was freezing up on him – the same pain, the same discomfort.

Roy heard the fall and moved to get up, forgetting that he couldn’t see, forgetting that he was in pain and that his pain had intensified. Before he could do more than throw the blankets off him, the door burst open.

“Stop!” It was Riza and by smell of smoke, Havoc as well. “Don’t move from that bed, Roy Mustang!” She shouted. He heard her move, heard Havoc move.

“Get him a nurse and something to throw up in.” Roy barked orders of his own. He heard the fall of Havoc’s boots as they ran from the room and receded down the hall way. He reached out, wishing he could tear the bandages from his face to see what was going on. If only he could see!

“The General will be alright after a couple of weeks.” He heard Riza say, “Physically anyway. But you… Don’t be such a child now, Ed, not when we’ve been looking after you all this time. It would be cruel for you to deny us now.”

Riza’s hands were on him, and though he wanted to pull away, his stomach was about to lurch. Reaching up, he covered his mouth to try and keep control of himself. He shook his head as new tears began to fall. This was embarrassing, horribly embarrassing. He felt like he was a child again with a figurative mommy and daddy standing over him, deciding what was best without really asking his opinion. They were right of course, Ed needed to be taken care of… he couldn’t survive very well on his own. All those years, it had been Al who took care of him; Al and Winry and Pinako. And then it had been Roy and Riza and all the others who comprised their strange little military family.

Edward had once been under the impression that he was an independent person who could look after himself and his baby brother, but right then, as he writhed in Hawkeye’s embrace, trying to hold in vomit and tears, he realized that he’d been wrong. He was pathetic. Why the hell had Al given himself up for Ed’s life? And what happened when Ed went into the gate to retrieve his brother? The memory of that moment was still vague and what was more puzzling to him was the blood red tattoo on his back. Why!? How was it even there? It didn’t make sense!

Presently Havoc returned with a bucket and some wash cloths and just in time. As soon as the bucket was in place, he let go and retched all that he’d taken in over the past twenty fours hours that had yet to be digested. Again his shoulder flared up in pain and even his leg, the meaty part of his thigh that once held an auto-mail port, it ached like needles pricking deeply.

Letting out a strangled yelp he finished vomiting and then used one of the wash cloths that Havoc had brought along with him to wipe at his mouth and chin.

Exhausted from lack of sleep, lack of real nutrition and the shock of grief and also of seeing the General in such a condition, he went limp in Riza’s arms and just lay there, breathing deeply. He muttered off and on, whispering of how he missed Alphonse, how he’d never forgive himself for not being strong enough to save him. It was the exhaustion talking for he normally would have kept such angst driven guilt to himself and allowed it to stew and fester within him until it hardened him.

As he muttered, the First Lieutenant cooed to him and hushed him. She pet his hair away from his face and Ed leaned into it, welcoming the soft touches, half imagining in his delirious state that it was his mother caressing him.

“Are you really going to stay with the General in his home?” He whispered breaking from the mom-fantasy for a moment.

She replied softly, “Yes. I want to be there to assist him in any way I can. He’s not in good shape.”

“He’s blind…” Ed said half in questioning. Part of him figured that the General must be chomping at the bit in irritation at being spoken of while he was still in the same room.

“…In one eye, yes. But even still, when he gets the bandages off tomorrow, it’s not going to be easy to adjust right away. I need to be there for him as he recovers.” She paused for a moment and then continued, “I owe him that much.”

Breathing easier now, Edward asked in a whisper, “Are you going to marry him?” For some reason asking this caused him a weird pang. It was jealousy he realized, jealousy that Roy and Riza should still have someone, someone who would lay down their life for the other. Ed lacked that now and he felt as if he’d been cut in half and left for dead. Is that what Riza felt like when Roy had been injured so severely? Did she hurt the same way? And yet, he couldn’t sympathize with her in this one thing because she still had Roy. She would always have him. Ed knew that and it was painful.

Were they what?! Roy didn’t understand how that kind of a question could spew forth from Edward’s mouth at a time like this. It was so random, so strange… so… so… the scent of Edward’s vomit had reached his nose and was now overwhelming. That alone struck a nerve. He used to be able to handle such things. He’d been on battle fields where blood, burnt and charred bodies, even the disemboweled or those sick from bad water left awful aromas in the air. However, the bodily pain he’d momentarily forgotten screamed at him in full force and that combined with the smell…

“Havoc… the bucket.” He half gagged. He heard Havoc move and take the bucket away.

“No, we aren’t getting married.” Riza said softly and Roy could hear the smile in her voice.

“And she doesn’t owe me anything,” Roy added pointedly, panting. He could feel the cold sweat beading his skin, leaving him clammy. “See if the nurses will move another… bed in here. Ed needs some rest and something to settle… his stomach. When he’s feeling better he’ll need something substantial but bland to eat… Might want to have the doctor check him over too… Does he need clean clothes?”

He’d send for anything and everything if need be if only to make Edward more comfortable. He hated this… this pain, this not being able to get up and take control and do whatever it took to make everything better for Ed… sharp pains in the place that used to house his left eye wracked his head, all the places he’d been stabbed and sliced throbbed and it hurt to even breathe. He tried to focus solely upon Edward since the young alchemist had distracted him from his own pain before but it was futile.

“He’ll need a bath too but I will see that he gets everything. You need to lie back and let the nurse give you that medicine or you’ll be no good to anyone, least of all Ed.” Riza promised.

Roy gritted his teeth as he leaned back in the bed. He felt large hands aiding him and figured it was Armstrong. He muttered a quiet ‘thank you’ and left it at that.

“I will get the nurse,” was Armstrong’s reply.