Wish I Never Saw

Trowas POV

Before the first ray of light hit my face I was up and rushing to the bathroom, my stomach expelling the contents of the last few days. My head is pounding, and my entire body is stiff and cold. The last few days are more of a blur than a real memory, but the pain is still very real. All I remember of last night was my love coming back to me, the rest I can’t remember. But the rest doesn't matter so long as we're together. Quatre, Me and out dog. I sit down on the edge of the bath and quickly wind a bandage round each of my arms.

I feel a cold wet nose touch my hand, hoping for some attention, or more likely some food. He'd missed his dinner last night. I walk back into the bedroom, dog in tow. Quatre’s still asleep on the floor so I pull another blanket off the bed and put it round him. It’s so cold at the moment, there's bound to be snow later. I strip off my disgusting clothes, and throw on the first clean clothes I can find, before heading to the kitchen. The dogs bowl is sitting on the side still, the diamanté letters shining around the edge spelling out the dogs name, Deejay.

Quatre had bought the dog matching collar, leash, bowls, coats and bed, all in the same deep red with diamonds and diamanté detailing for his beloved pet. This as one dog that wanted for nothing. I emptied a can of the luxury dog food into the bowl and placed it down on the floor. Deejay wolfed it down, and headed back towards the bedroom to find his master. I pressed the on button on the kettle. We could both do with a cup of tea after the past few days. We needed to talk...

"Tro?" Quatre asked nervously. I hadn't noticed that he'd come downstairs. All he was wearing was an old shirt of mine. It was far too cold to just be wearing this. Is he punishing himself? I can feel the last of the anger from the past few days melt away. He looks so scared, so vulnerable. It’s all my fault.

"I'm here Quat." I reply. "Aren't you cold?" He doesn't answer. I didn't really expect him to though, he'll never admit to something like that in this kind of situation. "Sit down, I'll get the tea. Deejays been fed." I watch as he leaves the room, heading for the sofa. I don't want to talk about what's happened, but I know as soon as I get in there that will be the only thing my love will walk to talk about. I press the on switch on the heating as I head into the front room, if he thinks I'm going to let him freeze himself then he's mistaken. As I enter the room my arm brushes up against the door frame and I wince. I know he saw it, but he doesn't say anything. I know he's disappointed in me.

Quatres POV

It’s so cold this morning. I'm sure snow will be on the ground before the end of the day. I saw your reaction Trowa, and I'm not annoyed, not at you at least. I know you were only trying to cope with all the shit I threw at you. I wish I could turn back the clock and take back everything I said, then you wouldn't be hurting so much. I hate myself so much.

Trowa hands me a cup of hot tea and I nod at him in thanks. "Trowa, we need to talk. I need to apologise. You deserve so much better than this." My eyes meet his; I can see he's almost in tears again too. "Do you even... Do you even want me to stay after all I've done?"

"Of course I do." Trowa replied sitting down next to me "I can’t live without you. I always thought I was strong enough to survive alone. It wasn't easy during the war but back then that was all I knew. Now..." His voice trailed off into nothing. I reach out and carefully place my hand on his knee.

"So long as you want me to stay I will be here. I'm so sorry my angel." I bite my lip, wondering how to continue this, not wanting to say the next part. It sounds wrong, but I don’t know how else to phrase it. "Please don't hate me, but I want to call off the wedding." A look of utter defeat entered his eyes. "I want to be with you forever, Tro, but I don't want a huge wedding and all the publicity. Can’t we just have something small? Something more personal." "Quatre that would be perfect." was his reply.

"Baby I need to ask you something and I need you to answer me honestly, k?" Trowa nodded and sipped his drink, knowing full well what was coming next. "How bad are they?" He knew exactly what I was talking about. His cutting scares me so much especially where he cut his wrists.
"They're fine."
"Sure?"
He nodded. I don’t think he was sure at all, but then he wasn’t really in control last night when he did it. Or before. But he wasn’t bleeding to death so in his mind that was good enough.

We sat there just sipping our drinks in silence, Deejay curled up happily in his bed, totally oblivious to us. I shivered slightly. Out the window I could see flakes of snow falling. I needed to find something else to wear. If I get sick now how could I care for Trowa? I need a shower first though. And so does he.

"Tro, I'm going to take a shower. Want to join me?" A smile graced my lovers lips now "Sure. Let me turn the heating up first though."