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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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The Road to Kindness

Chapter 7

Part 26
　

　

　

Trowa�s suspicions that Duo hadn�t been sleeping were confirmed when he dozed off in his lap. It should have made him feel better, just knowing that Duo was finally going to get some sleep, but it worried him. It was obvious to anyone that the longhaired boy was more stressed than any human being should be, especially for him to just lose it like that. Duo claimed that he didn�t have a whole lot of pride, but he still got highly embarrassed if he anyone saw him cry. Trowa thought that it had less to do with pride and more with Duo being so used to getting struck for showing that much emotion. Wes might like seeing Duo have that kind of pained reaction, but he had obviously punished Duo for it as well. It was no wonder why Duo was confused most of the time. He had no standard for normalcy. Even the normalcy of a life with Wes had very few defined rules that Wes hadn�t twisted and broke just to watch Duo suffer. The only one that Trowa could see was �obey�. All of this; Wes coming back, Duo dealing with repressed emotions and memories, and his strained relationship with Heero was putting such a huge pressure on him until he had snapped at the first sign of a kind hand. Duo might be getting sleep, but that he had collapsed like this just showed Trowa what a mess he was. He shared a deeply worried look with Quatre, who helped him by pulling Duo�s covers up so they could put him to bed. Shiva seemed to sense that things were finally settling down and leapt up onto the bed, curling against Duo�s limp arm as he rolled over on his side. Quatre, whose worried and caring personality made him a natural nursemaid, checked to make sure Duo wasn�t putting too much pressure on his shoulder, which was still slowly healing.

Trowa quietly closed the door behind them as they left the bedroom, hoping that they could convince Name on a late dinner so Duo could rest a little, and turned abruptly when he heard Quatre squeak in shock. Standing to the side of the door was Name, her arms folded over her chest and her eyes closed as though she were deep in thought, her sudden appearance being what had spooked the short blonde.

�How long have you been standing here?� Trowa asked, hiding his amusements at his boyfriend�s surprise.

Name opened her eyes to look at him and even in the dim lighting of the hallway, Trowa could see that they were red. The tissue in her hand was suspiciously wet also, giving him the answer.

�Since the two of you went in there,� she said in a soft voice, her coal eyes glancing at the door.

�Then you heard everything,� Quatre summed up.

Name nodded, her expression distant and Trowa knew that she was going over Duo had just confessed to them. It was no wonder those black eyes suddenly had a red tinge to them. The head of the Yuy family prided herself on being calm and logical, but Trowa and Quatre had visited them for Heero�s father�s funeral and they knew that wasn�t exactly the truth. When it came to the people she loved, Name showed a rare level of emotional vulnerability. Trowa used to think that she stored all that up from being so cold and exacting in her business life that when something bad happened in her personal life, it all came pouring out. But even when she was caught after having been crying over Duo�s words, Trowa could see a plan trying to form in those black eyes, he could see the woman trying to pull together something logical to attack this problem.

�It isn�t enough just to protect him,� Trowa told her, �I know that�s important to you, but we have to be realistic. Yes, Wes is a threat, but Duo�s bigger problems are in his head, not in the world around him. You heard him. He�s terrified and worried that he�s going to spiral back into the person he used to be. He�s being overwhelmed by panic and his own memories. He�s not sleeping and while Wes brought it all on, physically, he�s just a fraction of the problem.�

�I understand that,� Name said, �Ever since Boston, things have been wrong. Duo�s been retreating into himself again, little by little. He�s been hiding things. They haven�t seemed to have affected him in a huge way, but I know he�s hiding. Anyone can see that he�s scared and that that fear is taking a toll on him.�

�He won�t open up to anyone, so what can we do about it?� Heero�s voice made Quatre almost jump again.

He and Trowa looked around Name and saw their friend standing in the hallway. The upset, angry look on his face made Trowa assume that he had heard some of Duo�s confession as well, if not all of it.

�He needs to let go of this, but how can anyone make him do that? We can�t ask it of him, it�s not that simple. If he�d just talk� then maybe we could help him, but he�s too used to keeping it all locked away,� Heero mused, �And it�s going to keep eating away at him until it breaks him. No one can be that scared for a long amount of time.�

If the mood hadn�t been so dark, Quatre would have smirked at the irony in Heero saying that Duo bottled everything up. He knew another teenager, standing right in front of them, that did the same thing.

�He�ll talk to you,� Name looked at her son sharply.

�He� he doesn�t want to talk to me, Trowa should be the one to do it,� Heero murmured, shocked at his mother�s confidence in him.

It took a lot of effort to hand that responsibility over to Trowa. His love for Duo made him want to be the one to help him, but he was scared. This was too important, too big. He was terrified of screwing things up and making it worse for his best friend. But now everyone was looking at him like he was the answer.

�Heero,� Name said with a sigh, �You�ve seen him. I know you have, you�ve been checking up on him as much as I have. I know you�ve seen him, looking out that window. Given everything you just heard� can you really let him keep doing that? Keep looking and watching and waiting in fear over something he can�t control?�

Heero flinched with the accusation. His mother�s eyes went from his to back to Duo�s bedroom door.

�He needs to get out of here,� she murmured, �Just for a little while. Staying locked up in this house is killing him. He�s letting his fear of Wes turn him into a recluse. Staying here keeps reminding him of that fear, and that makes it grow. He�s going to waste away to nothing at this rate. He�s making himself crazy. He needs to get out and realize that just because Wes is out there, it doesn�t mean he has to lock himself away forever.�

Heero�s hands curled into fists. He knew his mother was right, he didn�t have to talk to Duo to realize that, but would just getting Duo out of the house be enough? He didn�t want to admit it, but he was scared, too. Ever since Boston, Duo had been changing. He was getting farther and farther from him. In the past, that had been fine because that was what Heero had wanted, or at least, a part of him had, though in the dark recesses of his heart where he loved Duo more than anything, it had hurt deeply. But this was beyond his fear of losing Duo, of losing one more person that he loved, now there was so much more at stake. Remembering the hateful smirk on Wes� face when he had shot Duo and had boldly told Heero that there was nothing he could do to protect Duo, his clenched his hands tighter.

Duo was so lonely now, and Heero supposed that that was his fault as well as Wes�. He wasn�t entirely sure of Duo�s reasons for distancing himself from him, he wasn�t so sure that it was because of anger or bitterness anymore, but his mother was right. If they didn�t do something, Duo was going to let the darkness eat him from the inside until Duo would just be who he had been when he had been living with Wes and Heero didn�t want to see that happen. Duo had struggled and fought so hard to find some strength, some spark of pride for himself and Heero refused to let Wes take that away from him. By keeping up this charade of staying away from Duo, he was just robbing him of a pillar of support. His fear of getting too close to Duo didn�t matter anymore, not when his best friend needed him so badly.

�Can you call Mr. Khushrenada and tell him that I won�t be in school tomorrow?� Heero asked his mother, though he was looking at Duo�s door instead of her.

Her sharp eyes focused on him and she gave a tiny smile.

�I�m sure that can be arranged,� she told him, �I�ll be sure to leave him a message after dinner.�

Quatre and Trowa shared a hopeful look, Trowa gripping his lover�s hand in his. With any hope, Heero would be able to bring Duo out of the dark hole he had found himself in. With any hope� he might be able to right two wrongs, not just one. On his other hand, Quatre�s fingers crossed in a gesture he hadn�t used since his childhood.
*****

It was cold. Of course, it had snowed all day yesterday, so it would be silly for so much snow to be on the ground if it were warm, and Duo knew that if had real shoes or better clothing, it wouldn�t be that chilly. Maybe he would look for old blankets and discarded shoes later. Right now, all he cared about was getting something into his hollow, shrunken stomach. For some reason, the cold always made him feel hungry. When it was hot, he usually felt too sick to feel his hunger, which was nice, but he knew he was still hungry. It was only because he was hungry that he was in this alley. Everyone knew that bad things happened to kids that went into the dead end alley by themselves, but he hadn�t hit the dumpster down here, yet and it might just have something good.

The cold was good for dumpster diving and bad at the same time. Meat stayed less rotten for longer, but people kept their trash inside because everything was cold and frozen, and just waited for the trash people to come for it, so they didn�t have to go outside so much. And the trash people came more often in case the weather got worse and everything got frozen to the trash cans. It was hard to find any kind of food, even the rotten stuff. It had been two days since he had eaten anything and he was a bit desperate. Even though the snow meant he wouldn�t find much and it made his bare feet feel numb, but he wouldn�t go thirsty. Most of the time, he only drank if it rain, since there weren�t any lakes or ponds nearby, but if he got thirsty, he just had to eat a handful of snow.

The good thing about having numb feet was that, when Duo climbed into the dumpster, when he cut up his feet on the hard metal, he didn�t even feel it. Immediately, he found a hamburger wrapper that was covered in old grease and a tiny bit of cheese. In ravenous, insane hunger, he swiped his tongue against the wrapper, tasting the grease, but the taste did nothing to relieve his hunger, it only made his stomach feel even emptier. Under a rotting banana peel, he found two stale French fries that were covered in dirt and grime from the dirt dumpster and spoiled milk.

He quickly shoved them into his mouth, moving on to a rusty can of tomato sauce that still had some sauce clinging to its side. As he picked it up, an angry rat crawled out of it and hissed at him. Duo hissed right back at the rat and kept on eye on it. If he didn�t find anything better at the bottom of the dumpster, the rodent would be his next meal. He scraped old tomato sauce out of the rusty can, slicing his fingers badly on the jagged lid and sucked the sauce off his fingers, tasting his blood as well.

A loud wailing that was coming closer and closer to his alley made Duo drop the can in surprise at the sound. The can fell back on top of the rat and Duo�s fear stricken mind made a small note to check back on the rodent later. If the disturbance went away, at least he could have meat today. The terribly thin six year old dove into the broken boxes that littered the back end of the alley. Broken wood dug into his skin, leaving splinters, but his wide violet eyes were completely focused on the mouth of the alley. Out of the darkness, two men lumbered into the narrow alley, a young boy�s arms gripped in their large hands. They were dragging him along, even as the boy thrashed and screamed bloody murder in their grip. The nasty smiles on their faces told Duo everything he needed to know about their purpose with the boy. His heart slammed in his chest. What if they saw him? What if they decided to do� that to him as well?

As they got closer to him, Duo realized that he recognized the boy they were dragging along like a rag doll. The child was too delicate looking to be a child of the streets like Duo was, at least, he was too delicate looking to last on the streets for long. Duo had never seen someone look so completely Asian before. The boy�s features, his jet black, long hair, his narrowed dark brown eyes, were purely Japanese, with not a trace of another ethnicity, which was rare in Duo�s world. Everyone was a mutt, some had such mixed heritages, it was nearly impossible to pick out anything from them, but this boy was different. You would have to be blind to have met someone like that, then see them later and not recognize them.

�Yuki�, his thoughts supplied him with the name.

Those dark brown eyes were filled with fear as the men dragged him further down the alley. His clothes were even more badly tattered than Duo�s and there was a trail of blood dripping down the right side of Yuki�s face. That red trail was startling on his white skin. Duo had to clap his hands over his mouth to keep from gasping in his realization of who the boy was. Conflicting emotions battled inside of him. He should find a better hiding spot, somewhere where he could stay quiet and unnoticed until he could make his escape. These guys meant business. Any man that would rape a kid would just as easily kill them, Duo had learned that a long time ago. But there was still that weird, illogical part of him that he couldn�t quite kill that was screaming at him to do something to save his friend.

The man on the left let go of Yuki�s arm while the other grabbed that long, gorgeous black hair and slammed him viciously into the cement wall. There was a little window leading into a basement low to the ground and it shattered when Yuki hit it, raining shard of glass on his slender body which sliced up his back. Yuki fell to his knees on the ground and Duo felt bile rise in his throat as the man who had a grip on his hair shoved him onto the ground until he was lying on his stomach. The man took out of knife, which looked unbearably sharp to the hiding boy, and started to cut away the Japanese boy�s pants. Yuki started to cry, fat tears sliding down his cheeks, but too dazed and in too much pain to fight anymore. The other man started to laugh. It was that laugh that made rage finally overcome the fear he was feeling, but that fear was still there, and all he could do was crouch there amongst the trash and watch what the monsters were doing to his only friend.

Duo bit down hard on his tongue to keep from screaming as the man with the knife unbuckled his pants and roughly shoved into the child he was holding captive. Yuki started to scream again, this time in terrible pain. Even from where he was hiding, Duo could see the bright red blood that stained the man�s cock. The rapist�s friend was still laughing, but was starting to unbuckle his pants as well. Though Yuki was screaming so loudly, no one came to his aid, though Duo knew there were people around to hear it. He knew that no one would come. Duo felt blood fill his mouth from biting his tongue, but didn�t let up on it. For a very long while, those were the only sensations he had, hearing Yuki�s screams, the taste of blood, and the dual feelings of wanting to protect the other boy and feeling the pounding of his terrified heart.

Suddenly, Yuki�s doe eyes met his through a crack in the crate Duo was hiding behind. Violet met brown and Duo started to panic.

�He�s going to scream for help, he�s going to beg me to save him and they�ll find me. They�ll find me and they�ll hurt me, too,� his thoughts whirled in his head in a furious panic.

He was just about to leap to his feet and see if he could run past the three of them before Yuki gave away his hiding place when the unthinkable happened. Yuki smiled. The expression, given what was happening to him, was maddening to Duo. You couldn�t possibly smile when you were being raped! But Yuki was. Yuki was always smiling, always laughing, always so happy. How could he be happy? How could he find the strength to smile every day? Didn�t he know how horrible life was? Through the pain, Yuki was smiling like he always did, and, miraculously, he wasn�t begging for help. He was� he was saving him� if he screamed for Duo, Duo would be found. The American had never met a single person in his life, save one, that would try to keep him safe in a moment like this.

His heart ached in a terrible pain and for a scary second, he almost did try to help Yuki. He had only met two people that possessed that kind of kindness, and one of them was dead. Even as the first man finished and the second one took his turn, Duo and Yuki didn�t stop holding each other�s stares. Duo found that he would sooner have his heart stop in his chest than look away. Yuki needed him. He needed someone there for him right now and even if Duo couldn�t save him, he could let him know that he was here with his eyes. The brutality seemed last forever, but Duo never looked away. He saw the glitter of the knife, but when Yuki�s eyes suddenly dulled and his body went limp, the six year old became confused. Why did his eyes look like that?

Blood poured from Yuki�s thin, white throat and pooled on the snowy ground. Duo�s world froze and for a moment, he could only watch in horror. He heard the men�s cruel laughter as the one with the knife cleaned it and they both left. They left Yuki laying there, in a pool of his own blood, his lifeless eyes staring over at Duo. How� how could anyone just� just kill someone like that? Especially Yuki, who was so beautiful and bright, the only street kid Duo had ever known who could smile every day. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears dripping down his cheeks, and finally started to scream. All he could see was Yuki�s smile, all he could hear were the ghost sounds of wet sex, and all he could smell was blood. The men weren�t far away, but he kept screaming.

When Duo emerged from the rubble, his entire body felt weak, like he had been running for days and had nothing left to give. He felt hollow inside, completely empty, like one of the walking dead. Somewhere deep inside, he felt sorrow and knew he shouldn�t. He was a street kid. There was no room in his shrunken heart for sadness, or any other emotion except hunger and fear. But, as he stood and looked at Yuki�s dead body, he felt something in his heart, that same something he had felt when he had seen the destroyed church that Sister Helen had used to work at. That loud, insane buzzing that made him want to start screaming again. He felt just as bloody and dead as the body that lay a few feet from him.

His eyes were swollen red from crying and he had lost his voice from screaming. If he were able to, he would cry and scream some more, but he had nothing left inside. He shuffled over to the body and suddenly didn�t like the fact that Yuki was lying on his stomach. He rolled him over. The Japanese boy�s eyes stared blankly upward. What were you supposed to do when someone you knew, someone who you had talked to several times, suddenly died? Weren�t you supposed to say something from the Bible? But he didn�t know any passages or words. For some reason, that made him feel like crying again, just because he couldn�t do it right. Burial� that was the big thing, you have to bury the dead. That was probably more important than reading from the Bible.

But that was impossible, too. The ground underneath them was just solid concrete and all the dirt was too frozen to bury anything. But he had to do it! Yuki was the same as him, he had to do this. No one else was going to. An idea in his head, Duo knelt on the ground and started to scoop snow on the ground and place it on Yuki�s body. There was enough of it to bury a small body, but it was cold and made Duo�s bloody fingers numb. He kept going though, even remembering stories about frost bite. He didn�t care, he had to do this. Yuki had been a good person. He had always talked to him when he saw him, he hadn�t ignored him or treated him like trash.

When Yuki�s body was completely covered by snow, Duo looked at the mound, feeling that something was missing. Flowers! He remembered you were supposed to leave pretty things like that at a grave. But he didn�t have any flowers. He didn�t even have weeds that usually grew through the cracks in the pavement during summer. He glanced over at the shards of glass that littered the snow. They shimmered like how the snow shimmered in the dim light. Glass was pretty, right? Duo stood up and gathered as much glass as he could. It sliced up his fingers further, but he didn�t stop. When he knelt by the mound again to sprinkle the glass over the impromptu grave, his blood dripped onto the snow, but that was ok, too.

�Hey! What are you doing?!� a harsh, angry voice screamed by the mouth of the alley.

Duo�s head whipped up and saw sharp green eyes glaring at him. He got to his feet and ran as fast as he could past the boy that was yelling at him, forgetting that he was still holding shards of glass and they sliced through his fingers and palm as he clenched them.
　

*****

Duo�s vision was blurry as he opened his eyes to his dimly lit bedroom. For a moment, he experienced a strange shock, waking from a very old memory to his new room in his new life. It didn�t take him very long to figure out that the reason for his blurriness was because he had been crying in his sleep. His pillow felt damp, his cheeks wet, and his eyes itched. He rubbed at them, cleaning away the tears and looked over at the alarm clock. 7 a.m. If he wasn�t such a fuck up, he would have been on his way to school by now. He scowled at his own patheticness and sat up.

Shiva and Sammy were still curled up on the bed with him, so at least he hadn�t thrashed around like he usually did when he had a nightmare. Nightmares� what else could he possibly call them? It wasn�t really a memory. Yes, all of it had happened, in the exact way he remembered it happening, except none of that had ever happened to Yuki. To his knowledge, Yuki had never been raped as a child. Of course, Yuki was so quiet and hesitant to talk about his past, maybe he had been. And Yuki had certainly never been one to smile like that. Quiet, reliable, but not exactly happy, Yuki had always walked around with a sad air and had rarely smiled. Most of all, he hadn�t met Yuki yet when he was six.

Duo knew, without a doubt, that that memory had been of Sunshine�s death. It had been pale blue eyes, not soft brown ones, that he had found looking at him while he had hid like a rat. One of his many mistakes� he should have saved him. He knew, logically, that there was nothing he could have done, but there was still that part of him that screamed he should have done something, anything, to save the one person who he could possibly call a friend. They had never really hung out much, like all street kids, they crossed paths once in awhile, but never really sought each other out. But when they did meet, they weren�t at each other�s throats, either. They had never stolen from each other, had never fought. And back then, that had been enough for Duo to call someone a friend.

Sunshine�s death had been tragic, but not rare. Little kids died all the time from disease, muggings, and especially rape. It had been a fact of Duo�s life. Yet, witnessing it had been something that had torn him up inside and it didn�t take a genius to figure out why he had mixed up Yuki with Sunshine. Two deaths� two people he should have been there for� two friends that were taken away from him. Yuki had been one of many things that had been weighing on his thoughts lately. One more thing that Wes had made him remember, had made him think about. The cruelty of life, or rather, the cruelty of their lives. It should have been horrible, the death of another person, especially one that he cared a great deal for, but it was something that happened all the time, which only made him feel worse about it.

Duo looked at his hands, noting the tiny, white scars on his fingers and palms, some from Wes� abuse, others that he recognized from his dream, made from shards of glass clutched too tightly. Just when he thought that he was out of tears, was out of regret and sadness, another tear rolled down his cheek. He missed him� he hadn�t met with that group of whores as much as he had wanted to, but he missed Yuki. Shi was protective, like a big brother to him, Solo understood him like no one else in the group did, drawn from his own experiences on the street, but Yuki had this strange kind of gentleness, a calmness that had always set him at ease. When he had been feeling sad or angry, those kind eyes of his had always made him feel calm.

Yuki had been beautiful, hiding some kind of sadness, like all of them did, but it was that mystery, the fact that he had known very little about the boy that made Duo mourn him all the more. It seemed so sad� he hadn�t been there when Yuki had died. If he had been out, doing jobs for Wes that night, would he have seen it? What had been the last thing Yuki had said to him? He couldn�t remember. He wished he had seen the men that had done that to him, he wished he could remember their faces�

Duo grabbed at his head, which was starting to throb. He wouldn�t go back to sleep, he couldn�t, not with the image of Yuki, a little child in his dream, dead in front of him, and wondering just how close to reality that dream had been. Had Yuki died like Sunshine. They had told him he had died during a job, that his hair had been cut� that seemed to be a blow so hideous and personal that it made Duo want to weep even more. That beautiful hair� like falling midnight� they had all loved Yuki�s hair and that some sick, twisted bastard had robbed him of, not only that last bit of human decency, but something that had been so personal to Yuki for a reason he had never discussed made Duo want to scream.

He knew what that dream symbolized, what his mind was trying to tell him. It wasn�t just that he was guilty, and he was. That guilt was the same he had felt during Boston and now, after his friends had been in such serious danger from Wes, the sensation that he should have done something, even if he couldn�t figure out what that something was. All logic asked him how he possibly could have done anything to help, but his heart screamed that he shouldn�t have been that helpless, there had to have been something. But there was something else� his memories. He could feel like, almost like a physical presence in his brain, a heat that was bubbling up. When was the last time he had even thought of Sunshine? When he had met Quatre, he thought. How many more things were locked away in his head, just waiting for a weak moment to attack him.

It was already happening. Ever since Wes had attacked him at work, there were things that he could no longer hold at bay, memories that he had hidden away when Name had took him in. Those things had no business in his new life, he had told himself, so he had pushed them all away, down, deep inside of himself in hope that he could forget. He had done more than just hide his memories, he had hidden who he used to be, that desperate person that he had hated at how easily that person had submitted and fit into the mold Wes had set for him. The scariest thing of all was not that that person and those memories were fighting with his new life, his new identity, but the more they bubbled up, the more he realized that he couldn�t suppress them like he had in the past. He had been trying, so very hard, but it wasn�t going away. His head burned and throbbed, but he couldn�t stop it, like a train with no controller.

He couldn�t forget who he had been, that whore who claimed to have hated it, but sometimes, with the right guy, the sight sensation, had liked it. In those times, his mind had screamed, but his body had liked it. That side of himself, he never wanted his friends to see. He never wanted Heero to know that person. But� he had. Wes had made sure that he could never forget that side of his past, and Chris had forced him to show that side to his best friend. How could he ever escape that? Heero had seen that ugly person� how could he ever look at him the same again?

Duo hid his face in his hands, his chest tightening as he thought about what had happened in Boston. He had this sudden, intense urge to have Heero by his side, in his bed, holding him tight and telling him he didn�t think that way about him. He couldn�t do this anymore� he really couldn�t. He was tired, so tired, and all he wanted was Heero. Heero could make the pain go away, he knew he could. But he was scared, absolutely terrified of Heero tossing him away. He had almost lost him once.

He lifted his head up in shock at the immediate thought. He had almost lost him� that was right. His cheek stung in phantom pain of a slap that had happened a very long time ago. His life had almost gone by without ever seeing Heero again because of his mistake. He remembered that intense pain of thinking of never seeing Heero, how he had run away from Wes, just so he could get a glimpse of his former friend. What if that happened again? What if, by hiding away and distancing himself, he would lose Heero again, this time permanently? A searing pain went through his heart and he gripped at his sheets. Back then, he would have done anything, anything to get Heero back, so why the hell was he doing this?! Why was he constantly pushing Heero away out of fear of the Japanese boy�s anger, when doing that was still destroying their relationship? Either he could assume that Heero hated him, which his friends kept telling him wasn�t true, and destroy their relationship, or he could try to fix things, to deal with that anger and still try to get past that.

Heero had been pissed at him before, but they had gotten over it, they had retained their friendship. So why was it so hard now? He had spent all those days chained to Wes� bed, begging and praying to see Heero again, and goddamn it, he had gotten his wish! Not only had he gotten that chance, he was living with him and his wonderful family! And now he was destroying it? What the hell was wrong with him? He had lost so much� he should be happy to have Heero in his life, not looking for reasons to push him away! And he was happy� when Heero was around, he was so happy. He had never felt that way before meeting him.

Wes had gotten his wish. He had reminded Duo of his past, of who he really was, and by doing that, he wanted to destroy Duo�s new, perfect life. But it had also shown Duo something he hadn�t intended. By reminding Duo of who he was, of making him feel so terrified, he had also reminded Duo of the times he had been happiest. Comparing those memories with his memories of Heero� how could he ever believe in his reasons for pushing Heero away? Even if he was scared of rejection, he wanted to be happy. He was so tired of being scared and hurt and humiliated. For once of his life, he wanted to be happy. Was that such a terrible thing? Why did he keep denying himself that, because the dream was so scary? Wasn�t it even scarier to give up on that dream, to go back to that terrible place where he had hated himself? He didn�t want that. Despite his feelings for Wes, he wanted to have some pride, for once.

Duo bowed his head. He wanted his life back. He wanted Heero back. Why did he have to be afraid of that? His braid slipped over his shoulder and he grabbed the tail of it. His fingers met the silken tie that had once been Yuki�s. He, as gently as he could, like he was touching something holy, unwrapped it from his braid and examined it in the low light.
　

　　　　　　　　　 �I�m not leaving you, Duo,� he said softly, �We�ll never leave you and you never left us, you never will. Lying in the dark is hard, but walking through it is even worse. The two of us know this better than most,� he smiled at Duo, �But when you�re ready, we�ll be waiting.�

　

Duo squeezed his eyes shut in pain. He was abandoning everything� his past friends� how long had it been since he had seen them? Once upon a time, they had been so important to him, his only real human contact besides Wes, and they still were important. Yuki still haunted him, he kept remembering memories of Solo and Shi� and yet, he was scared and depressed and he was forgetting those happy moments with his friends. Not just with them, either. All his memories were starting to overwhelm his memories of Heero, those moments when he was truly happy. He was abandoning Heero. He was distancing himself, which wasn�t protecting himself at all, he was just leaving Heero behind. He was leaving his heart behind. His friends weren�t leaving him, he was leaving them and that wasn�t fair. That was terrible.

Shi was right, even if it was a dream. He kept thinking that he was doing the right thing, protecting his heart and moving forward, but really, he was hiding in the darkness, away from the good things. He was still trapped in that darkness, but this time he was choosing to stay there, because the light was scaring him. He was killing himself in that darkness. Fuck, if Yuki and Shi could see him right now, they would be so disappointed in him. That thought woke him up more than anything else. What had he been doing to himself? He was walking in a fog, chanting that mantra that distancing himself from Heero was what he should be doing, when that was the last thing he should be doing.

With a shaking hand, Duo quickly retied his braid with the hair tie. He would never put anything else in his hair, nothing but this tie. It would remind him of what was important. It would remind him of where he came from, where he really came from. He wasn�t just a whore who had found a better life. He wasn�t just someone who should just forget his past! He had been trying to deny it, but he was denying everything, not just the bad things. He had forgotten Shi and Solo and Amaaya and Yuki and all the others� but he needed them. He couldn�t deny his past� even though it was painful� he didn�t want to deny it.

He had to stop running away, from the pain, from the fear, from his feelings� Yes, it hurt and he was scared to remember these things, but they were a part of him. Ugly and mangled, but it made him whole. It was the same way with his relationship with Heero. It was painful and scary, but it was beautiful at the same time and he couldn�t live without it. He had to stop doing this, he had to stop letting these fears rule his life. He couldn�t run away anymore� He wanted to be whole� he didn�t want to hate himself anymore or be so scared anymore. He wanted to be proud of himself. A knock on the door made Duo jump and he grabbed his sheets, covering himself with them, which just made him feel silly.

�Duo, can I come in?� Heero�s voice was like a gift from the heavens, like the universe was showing him the path.

At the same time it made him freeze with Heero�s timing, it warmed his heart and relaxed him. But� wait� it was almost eight, he should be at school, right? He realized that Heero must have heard him crying and blushed darkly. He let go of the sheet.

�S-sure,� he stammered.

It had seemed like forever since he had seen Heero. He knew it wasn�t really like that, but the only time he had touched Heero or spoke to him had been when he was scared and desperate. Now, he was calm and it felt weird that Heero was coming in to talk to him out of his own free will. That feeling of awkwardness told him what he needed to do. He shouldn�t have to feel awkwardness in just seeing his best friend. Shiva yowled as Heero came in, but went back to sleep. Duo looked at Heero and felt his heart warm. He loved this feeling� just this spark of happiness at seeing a person, the person he loved.

�Are you ok?� Heero asked nervously as he entered the room, noting Duo�s red eyes.

Duo blushed even more deeply at his friends� concern. Fuck, but he felt like a little kid who had never even had a friend before.

�I�m ok,� he said in a near whisper, �Is there anything you wanted?�

Heero nodded, but seemed even more nervous. Duo felt a pain at that nervousness. This was ridiculous. Where had their closeness gone? That frankness they had shared, the ability to tell each other anything? Duo�s livelihood had been based on his ability to lie to people�s faces, so it was hard to stop. He still had problems coming clean with the things that plagued him, partially because of habit, and partially because those things were usually too painful and embarrassing to talk about, but at the same time he felt the most vulnerable around Heero, he also had trusted him enough to tell him those things. Where had that trust gone? No, that wasn�t fair. That trust hadn�t disappeared, but there was suddenly this huge gap between them, a gap that robbed Duo of his confidence and strength, a gap he would do just about anything to close.

As Heero sat at the edge of the bed, Duo scooted over to make room for him, but Heero hesitated. Duo felt like smacking himself as he realized that the move looked like he was trying to get away from him. These misunderstandings had to stop and he realized very quickly that this situation was all of his fault. If he wasn�t such a coward, this strangeness between them wouldn�t have lasted this long. If he had had any kind of courage, they would have either ended their relationship entirely or would have fixed everything by now. But even if he thought that he had to stop hiding, that he wanted this relationship fixed, it wasn�t that simple. When had anything been that simple? He was still scared, still hesitant, because he knew how much rejection from Heero would damage him and he was anything but carefree with his heart.

Even this, with Heero sitting on his bed, completely dressed and Duo still in his pajamas made Duo feel awkward and he didn�t want to. They had slept together in the same bed a few times and Heero had even bathed him once when he had been having a severe panic attack, so why did this all feel so weird to him?

�Why aren�t you at school?� he suddenly blurted out, desperate to do anything to relieve the strange tension between them.

That tension made Duo feel like he had done something terrible, but couldn�t figure out what it was. There was so much he had done these last few weeks, but now he felt like he was being blamed for something. Then, Heero gave him a small smile and all the worry and anxiety melted from him. He loved that smile. It always said comforting things like �it�s alright� and it was so hard to be stressed when Heero smiled that way. And it was only him that Heero smiled at that way, which made him feel so� special. No one had ever made him feel that way before. How could he ever successfully fight against such a feeling? He realized at that second that they were always leading to this. Even if they pushed away, they were just going to end up together again. There was no way he ever could have succeeded in continuing to distance himself from Heero. In the end� he would have lost his will to fight whether or not Wes had attacked him.

The evidence was there in that smile, and how Duo�s heart calmed so easily. Maybe that was what love was. He had spent a long time wondering about that emotion, but maybe it was simple. Maybe it was just a smile that made Duo feel like he was worth something after all. They hadn�t even talked anything out, but just knowing that Heero was here was making Duo feel better.

�There�s something very important I have to do,� Heero told him.

�Oh,� Duo said lamely.

�Do you want to take a ride with me?� the blue eyed boy asked.

Duo tensed. Him and Heero� alone together in a car� who knew what would be said or done. That was dangerous, wasn�t it? His heart started to race. He wasn�t ready for this. It was all well and good to say that he wanted things to get better, but to actually take that first step.

�I don�t know,� he murmured.

Heero�s smile vanished and Duo immediately felt guilty. He hadn�t meant to make Heero look so sad, but� in between his sudden fear of leaving the house and his fear of saying something or doing something that would cause even more distance between them, it was safe to say he was terrified. He hadn�t even left the house since Friday. Would Wes take that moment to come after him? That thought made him feel even more paranoid. He had stopped looking out the window since yesterday because it had worried his friends so much, but his whole body itched with the urge to glance out that window, his paranoia mounting. What if he went outside and Wes came for him? He couldn�t stop that thought, as silly as it was.

�I don�t think it�s a good idea,� he murmured.

Heero looked away from him and Duo felt like someone had run his heart through with a knife. He knew, logically, that he had to leave the house at some point, he knew that, but�

Duo�s head whipped around as a flash of sudden color caught his eye. Sitting on the dresser was Toby, happily chewing away on one of Duo�s bright green socks. The tom, once introduced to cat toys for the first time, had gotten an addiction to chewing on the yarn toys Duo bought for him. The problem was that the tawny cat often mistook his owner�s socks and mittens for one of his toys and loved to gnaw on them. Because of Toby�s very sharp teeth, Duo had several socks and mittens with large holes in them.

�Toby! Bad cat!� he scolded, jumping out of bed to apprehend the feline.

His cats were usually so well behaved that Duo had never really called any of them �bad cat�, so Toby just stared at Duo for a few seconds, then went right back to chewing. When Duo grabbed the other end of the sock, trying to pull it from Toby�s formidable jaws, the cat thought Duo was instigating a fun new game and pulled back. Heero had to struggle not to start laughing. Giving Duo�s frustration, he figured it would be a little bit rude. Finally, Duo managed to get the sock away from Toby, who gave out a morose yowl and scampered off in search of something else to chew on. With a sigh, Duo opened his drawer to put the sock back in safely and his back went rigid.

On the half of his drawer that wasn�t filled with socks, lying next to the watch Name had given him a month ago and the card key from the hotel where they had stayed in Boston that he had kept as a souvenir because as depressing as the end of the trip had been, the parts before that had been wonderful, were his two medical bracelets, neatly beside one another like prayer parchment, like they had been entombed. It was a morbid thought, but it was kind of accurate. They had no real purpose to anyone but him, but they weren�t something he was going to just throw away. He had decided that a very long time ago. His finger touched the first one, the one he had gotten the night that Heero had found him bleeding all over his bedroom floor, wrapped in his quilt. He traced its surface, seeing the fake name Name had used for him at the time printed there.

�I think I�ll keep it as a reminder that� that there are people who care about me� I want to keep this, so if I ever have any doubts, I can remember how much you guys love me.�

　

　

Duo closed his eyes and smiled. He had forgotten� he had blackouts and short term memory loss, but how could he have forgotten something so important? How could he have forgotten the depth of his family�s love for him? He had thought that they would give up on him, that Heero would give up on him, because trying to help was too hard, because it seemed like everyone gave up on him. When he had been living on the streets, no one had wanted to help him. People with jobs, with money, wouldn�t even throw him the barest of scraps. When he went to school covered in bruises, no one even spoke to him. His teachers looked right through him, like he was a ghost. And he had thought that Name and his friends would do the same thing, because he had forgotten the one thing he never should have forgotten.

He was loved. What else could you call it when Name had taken him in, gave him clothes, food, his own room! What else could you call it when he had come home after almost getting raped again, lost in his nightmares, and Heero had bathed him, only because he had begged him to? What else could you call it when he had run away again and Trowa had tried so hard to find him, only to promise he wouldn�t tell, even to his best friend? He had kept that stupid medical bracelet, not because it was nice, but because sometimes he got lost in the darkness so easily, and sometimes he needed the reminder that there were people that cared for him.

Remembering how Heero had comforted him when he had been hallucinating in the hospital, how he had gone out of his way time and time again to make him feel comfortable and safe, in the face of Heero�s love for him, all his anxieties and fears about Heero losing faith in him or hating him seemed so small and silly. Heero loved him. No matter what, Heero had proved that to him. They were best friends. They would always be best friends and he would cling to that with everything he had. Trowa was right� his family was here and they loved him. He wasn�t alone anymore and he had stopped living like he was. He closed the drawer and turned to Heero.

�Alright. I�ll go,� he said.

Heero brightened and suddenly it was all worth it, any fear Duo had about fucking up or Heero being angry was worth it, just to see Heero happy.

�Bring a warm jacket,� Heero advised Duo.

Duo raised an eyebrow at that, but shrugged.

�I�ll be waiting outside,� Heero said with excitement, leaving Duo to get dressed.

Duo shook his head. He had no idea what was going through Heero�s head, but it was nice to see him smiling again. He found that he didn�t even care where they were going. Even if it felt kind of weird to be spending time with Heero, just the two of them, it was nice, too. He should scold him for skipping school, but he was just as bad. His shoulder was almost all better, but he had missed too much school and still hadn�t really considered going back. He supposed it was ok, with everyone bringing his assignments back and forth, but he missed going already.

He dressed in warm clothes, like Heero had told him to and met him in the driveway, where the silver car was parked, sitting in the passenger�s side next to Heero.

�Are you going to tell me what errands we�re running that are so important your mother would let you miss school?� he asked.

Heero wore a small, contented smile as he drove the car out of their driveway.

�It�s a secret,� he said in amusement.

Duo rolled his eyes, then grinned in surprise. He was having fun and they had only just left. That feeling showed him how lonely he had been without Heero. He hadn�t even realized how much he needed him, how happy he was when he was around him. He closed his eyes as Heero drove. It was so strange, he just felt� content. They weren�t talking about their problems, but just by knowing that Heero was with him, he felt so relaxed and happy. He felt that he didn�t even need words, for the first time in almost a month, he felt good.
*****
Duo jerked awake as the Lamborghini hit a pothole. He didn�t recognize the still unbosoming trees outside the window of the car.

�Outside,� his sleepy mind screamed at him, �I�m outside, why am I outside?�

Well, he was in a car, not really outside, so it was fine, right? Wes couldn�t get him when he was inside a car, right? He shook his head at his fearful reaction. Heero was here. Heero would protect him. As long as he was with his best friend� nothing Wes did would reach him. That powerful thought alone settled his heart.

�Sorry,� Heero apologized, �I should have avoided that. I didn�t mean to wake you up.�

�It�s ok,� Duo said automatically, then froze.

He had slept. For a long time, judging by the unfamiliar road they were on. Not only had he slept in a place that he didn�t feel safe, which was simply amazing giving how hard it was to sleep in his own bedroom now, he hadn�t dreamed. Ever since Friday, he hadn�t been able to close his eyes for a second without having some kind of terrible nightmare or repressed memory. But now, he had slept and he hadn�t had a single dream, good or bad. Was it because Heero was here? Had he chased the bad things away? He wanted to slam his head against the car door. Was this really all that it took to calm his soul? The boy he loved; being near him, not even talking to him, just being here?

It was better than any sleeping pill or therapy. If he had known that from the start, would he have reached out to Heero before now? He wasn�t sure, but it eased the ache on his heart. For the first time in a very long time, he didn�t feel tired. He had energy to spare and that feeling of hopelessness and fear was easing, little by little, every second that passed. Suddenly, the car sped past a large sign that read �You are now Leaving St. Peters, Come Back Soon!�

�Why are we leaving town?� Duo asked nervously.

He had only left this town once and it hadn�t exactly ended well. Of course, staying here hadn�t, either. Still, he found that he was curious than nervous.

�We�re leaving because St. Peters doesn�t have a beach,� Heero said matter-of-factly.

Duo stared at him. It took him all of ten seconds to decipher what Heero was talking about and when he did, his eyes widened in shock, a blush spreading across his face.

�One day, when you�re all better, I�ll take you there, just the two of us.�

�You remembered,� Duo murmured in awe, smiling fondly at his friend, �After all this time, you remembered that.�

Heero�s smile was a little bitter, but he was clearly happy that Duo seemed to think of it as some great feat.

�I never forgot,� he admitted, �I�ve never forgotten a single promise I�ve made to you, Duo, not ever.�

That made Duo blush harder. What had he ever done to deserve a best friend who not only made seemingly impossible promises and kept most of them, but also could remember something so obscure, but warming, months later? Most people would have forgotten about it or given up on it because it was too much of hassle. Heero hadn�t.

�It never seemed to be the right time,� Heero murmured, �You were so weak for a long time, then all that crap with Relena happened, it just never seemed like the right time. I wanted your first visit to the beach to be perfect, something you�d remember forever. I wanted to share that with you.�

Duo kept his eyes on Heero, studying him. How could he ever thought that Heero hated him when, in reality, the blue eyed boy thought things like that? Things like �first times� had never meant anything to Duo before he had met Heero. Heero seemed to put so much stake in it, Duo had started to believe in sentimental things like that, too.

�Do you remember when we swam at that hotel pool in Boston?� Heero asked.

Duo nodded. How could he have forgotten that night? How could he have forgotten that feeling of weightlessness as he and Heero playfully swam together, looking at Heero�s agile, beautiful form as the warm water took away his stress and his best friend had taught him that he didn�t have to be afraid of the water, just because he had had a few bad memories of it.

�I remember,� he murmured, reminiscing.

�Well, before then, I really wanted to take you in the summer, when it was hot enough to swim,� Heero told him.

Duo winced. Their excursion in night swimming had woken a love for it in him, but the idea of doing that at a crowded beach made him feel shy. If he tried to swim with his clothes on again, he would just gain unwanted attention and looks, but there was no way he was taking his shirt off among that many people, not with his scars� the pool at home that was out back, surrounded by a high fence was more to his liking.

�But I know how body shy you are,� Heero said, seeming to read Duo�s mind, �And now seems like the perfect time anyway.�

The perfect time? Duo wondered about that. A Maine beach in March was far too cold to go swimming, but at least they would be mostly alone.

�I think Clarksdale has a beach,� Duo mused.

�It does. I did some research online last night. It�s a large beach that�s open to the public all year long. There�s a little beachside restaurant, too, so we can have lunch there.�

Duo smirked at him. He thought that Heero�s tendency to prepare for something, even something that seemed as spontaneous as this, was undeniably adorable. Clarksdale was only twenty to thirty minutes from St. Peters and they drove the rest of the way there in silence, but it was comfortable and nice, a far cry to how their interactions had been these last few weeks. Duo wanted to think that they had finally come to an understanding and everything was fixed and better, but he knew that that was just an illusion. He still felt nervous and awkward and he thought that Heero probably did, too. But for right now, he wanted to pretend that everything was like it used to be and revel in it.

From what Duo could see of Clarksdale, it was much more rural than St. Peters was. Their own town was much, much larger and was more of a city. It had tall buildings, major companies, a town park, and the kind of mixed pollution and ruined streets that such a city brought with it. Clarksdale, on the other hand, was smaller and kind of quaint. All of the businesses that Duo could see were local, little diners that he had only ever seen in television and movies, knick knack shops that monopolized on their town�s beach by displaying sea stars, shells, and seamen gear like lobster traps on the inside and outside of the buildings. It was cute to Duo, who was used to grimy concrete alleys covered in graffiti and the dilapidated buildings that seemed to litter the part of town that he had grown up in.

There were no other cars in the beach parking lot, which made Duo feel better about this trip. He certainly wasn�t going to try to go swimming, but he thought it would be nice to be able to go to the beach, just as Heero had promised, �just the two of them.� Heero�s sports car had gotten them quite a few odd looks as they had driven through the town. Duo imagined that Clarksdale very rarely got any kind of expensive car. As they walked onto the beach path, Duo became immediately interested in the lush, beach grass that was a brilliant green, even though it was still too cold for other plants. Shi had called Alex and Aluxiel beach grass once, but Solo and Duo, who hadn�t ever seen beach grass, hadn�t gotten the joke. Looking at the sharp, thriving grass, he got it now. Shi had jokingly said that you had to actually see beach grass to get why it was funny, but he was right.

Alex and Aluxiel were like Sunshine had been. No matter how bad things had been for them, they smiled, even if they had just come out of a job. They were always together, too, and Duo thought that it was only partially because they were twins. When they were separated, however, they were just as sharp and biting as that grass. They calmed each other in a way that Duo thought very few could understand. Their bond was rare and special and so was their love for each other. Duo had often wished that he could have a relationship like that, but such thoughts had been so painful because he had surrendered to the fact that he would never find anyone that cared about him that way. He knew from the books he had read in class that the beach grass was separated from the path by a large fence because it was also fragile, not to the natural world, but to people stepping all over it. That there needed to be a fence at all, that people were so ignorant and uncaring they needed a physical barrier to keep from hurting the vegetation, upset him. And maybe that had a lot to do with Shi�s strange little analogy.

�Wow,� Duo said in awe as they finished walking down the path and finally ended up at the beach.

He could see everything! The sky was spread out in a powdered blue without a single cloud. The ocean was a deep Prussian, darker than Heero�s eyes, and seemed to go on forever and ever, the sunlight sparkling on its surface. All along the beach and floating on breezes over the water were hundreds of sea gulls and plovers and other kinds of beach dwelling birds. There was a salty smell, too, but it was like nothing Duo had ever smelled before and he immediately fell in love with it. The sand under their shoes seemed so soft and inviting and there were few rocks. Heero insisted that it was high tide, but Duo had no idea. With a grin, he shucked off his sneakers and placed them by the fence, putting his socks inside of them and sighed in contentment.

Duo had spent a lot of his childhood barefoot. As a result, he was used to rough concrete, walking on hard rocks and gravel, but standing on the beach sand was completely different. Unlike gravel, the sand was pleasantly warm and soft, cradling his feet. His shoes had gotten sand in them from walking on the beach path and had been uncomfortable, but now that his feet were immerged in it, it felt good.

�This is amazing,� Duo said, still smiling, taking in every inch of the sight of the ocean, noting how beautiful it was.

He could almost imagine dolphins or sun fish breaking the surface of the waves, even though he knew no such creatures existed in the New England waters. He spied a huge group of sea gulls a few feet away from them and grinned wickedly. He had seen sea gulls before, mostly picking through garbage and loitering in restaurant parking lots, but these beach dwelling gulls seemed much prouder and nobler to him. With a feral cry, he ran at them like a small child would, something he had seen a kid do once at a fast food parking lot, a kid who had had parents and a hot hamburger in one of his hands. He had envied that child, because he had never found any sort of joy in such activities, but now, seeing the gulls take to the air in a furry of snowy feathers, he understood.

Heero laughed out loud as he watched his friend chase the birds with a carefree, happy expression on his face. He was so� cute! He was like a little kid, exploring new things, finally letting his problems wash over him. This Duo, and the one that had cried in Trowa�s lap yesterday hardly seemed to be the same person. Seeing him so happy made Heero�s heart feel light, as light as the birds that were fleeing from the longhaired boy. In that moment, he wanted so badly to sweep him up in his arms. Was Duo trying to let go, or was it just this place that had taken him by surprise and had allowed him to lower his shields? He should have taken him here months ago. For a kid who had lived surrounded by concrete his entire life, Duo seemed to thrive amongst nature. Duo turned to look at him and his smile was bright, his chestnut hair mussed from running framed his face. His expression was one of joy and with the white feathers from the birds floating around him, he looked like�

�An angel� he looks like an angel,� Heero thought in shock, his heart pounding almost painfully.

He swallowed his heart beat, trying to force it to calm down, even as he was cursing himself for this entire situation. It seemed like, somehow, he had forgotten all these feelings, but perhaps he had had to forget them in order to push Duo away to begin with. He jogged over to where Duo was still standing, smirking at the image his friend made as he brushed a few little gull feathers off his shirt.

�Was it fun?� Heero teased.

When Duo smiled at him, he felt his heart melt. How could he have denied himself this contentment? How could he have denied Duo that smile� he suddenly realized that Duo hadn�t smiled like that since they day they had been kidnapped by Chris. Duo nodded at him.

�Yeah, but I feel a bit sorry for scaring them like that,� he admitted.

�I�m sure they�ve already forgotten about it,� Heero assured him, almost laughing.

Only Duo would feel bad about scaring a bunch of gulls.

�I�ll race you to the rocks,� Heero challenged, pointing to a cluster of large rocks that jutted out from the water from the distance.

He made sure to pick something that Duo would win at and wouldn�t tire him out. He knew that the longhaired boy�s shoulder was still bothering him a great deal. Plus, while Heero had the two things that Duo�s body lacked: stamina and strength, Duo was much faster and more agile than Heero could ever hope to be. He just wasn�t counting on how much faster Duo was. As soon as Duo said �sure�, the American was off running. It was like watching a cheetah take off after a gazelle. The boy�s speed had always been something that Heero had admired and the scary thing was, the sand was actually hindering him, Duo not used to running on sand like Heero was, but he was still too fast for Heero to catch up to him while he was running. When Duo finally stopped next to the rocks and Heero caught up with him, he visually checked his friend over to make sure that he wasn�t too winded, but he seemed fine. Though his shoulder was still slightly wounded, it hadn�t affected Duo in any other way.

�Want to climb them?� Heero asked, gesturing to the rocks.

Their were absolutely no waves, the water still and calm, so Heero wasn�t really worried about Duo slipping off the rocks, and if he did, the water by the rocks was deep enough that Duo wouldn�t hit his head on anything and shallow enough that he couldn�t drown. Besides, there was something that he wanted his friend to see.

�Why?� Duo asked, puzzled.

�When I was a kid, I used to play on the beach all the time,� Heero said with a smile at the fond memory, �My dad used to help me climb rocks like these all the time. It gives you a great view of the ocean. It�s just fun.�

�Sure,� Duo agreed.

He wasn�t sure what was more tempting, a better view of the beautiful sea that he had only ever seen in postcards and on TV, or experiencing something that Heero seemed so fond of.

�I�ll have to help you, though,� Heero warned.

�I know,� Duo murmured, feeling embarrassed.

Because of his shoulder, he wasn�t really supposed to stressing his arm and climbing would definitely stress it. The least that could happen was him being unable to climb the rock and therefore thoroughly embarrassing himself, but the worst was that he could lose his weak grip entirely and hit his head on the rock. He put his foot on the rock, the warm stone feeling oddly smooth and solid compared to the sand. He really just needed Heero to carefully push him up the slanted part of the rock, the rest was no problem. He blushed darkly as he felt Heero�s strong hands on his lower back, keeping him steady.

Heero cursed himself for even suggesting helping Duo to climb the rock. To do that, he would have to touch him, and that was the one thing that Duo seemed to not like anymore. It was something that had made Heero�s heart ache constantly, Duo�s constant flinching. It hurt to know that his best friend didn�t even trust him enough to let him touch him without some kind of hesitant reaction. He couldn�t handle that flinch, so he had gone out of his way to avoid touching Duo at all unless Duo made the first move. But now he didn�t really have a choice, he had to touch him to help him up, and Duo had said it was fine, but was it really? He didn�t know what was driving him more insane, those little flinches when Duo had flinched around everyone else but him, or that they still weren�t talking about those reactions.

Heero, very cautiously, placed his hand on the small of Duo�s back, giving him support, while at the same time he watched his friend in case he flinched again and fell off the rock. Heero�s blue eyes widened as his hand made contact with Duo�s clothed back and nothing happened. There was no flinch, no stiffening of that slim back, Duo made absolutely no move to make him stop touching him. Heero�s fingers splayed over that back, feeling his form through the shirt. His heart raced and he felt his face flame in the cool wind. He was touching Duo� his chest clenched. If he had been in the privacy of his room, he would have easily cried, but the sudden, biting wind reminded him that he was in a place where he didn�t have the luxury of tears.

It felt like this huge barrier that had been cast around his heart was crumbling away into nothing. He hadn�t even realized� just how much pain he had been feeling before now. But something drastic had changed. It was like a split thread that, strand by strand, was starting to become entwined again. Weren�t they here, together, laughing and having a fun time, despite the coldness that had existed between them for what seemed like such a very long time? And now there was this� Heero felt like his heart was warming up again. He didn�t want to remove his hand, but he knew he had to. But� but at least that decision was up to him now. Suddenly� he didn�t want this moment, this entire day to end at all.

Heero gently gave Duo a push, keeping his hand on his back until Duo awkwardly stumbled to the top of the large rock. When he was sure that his best friend wouldn�t fall, his hand slipped from his back. The absence of that warm back under his fingers made something deep inside of him ache for it, but his hand remained warm for several minutes. Duo stood up on top of the rock and looked out over the ocean. It really was beautiful, the almost flat water, stretching out in a way that seemed impossible. It seemed so huge and he remembered when he had learned about astrology in middle school as a part of a general sciences class.

He remembered how one girl in his glass had leaned over in her seat and had whispered to her friend next to her that the stars were pretty and all, but learning about how� big it all was, was kind of scary, like nothing she would ever do would be important enough. He remembered thinking that it was silly for her to think that way. He had felt insignificant his entire life, like a speck on someone�s shoe. What he did, what he felt, what he thought, none of it had ever mattered. But, if you looked at the universe, all their lives were meaningless in the regard that they didn�t really affect anything. But he had always thought that they affected each other, and that was what mattered.

In the eyes of what he had always considered �normal people�, people who had families and money and houses, the lives of whores were pretty insignificant. The lives of Shi, Solo, Amaaya, Alex, Aluxiel, Hi, and Yuki were useless. What had happened to them, their hopes and dreams, none of it mattered to them. But one night, their lives, theirs and his, had intersected. Those people that everyone thought were insignificant had ended up, not only saving his life, but also saving the part of himself that had given up on that life. They were significant to him, dammit, who cared if the rest of the world thought they were all trash? And� actually� if Name and Heero had taught him anything, it was that one person�s trash was another�s treasure. All those �normal people� had discarded them, but Name and Heero had seen him and had, for some reason, treasured him. So what if the universe saw the lives of people as insignificant? Why did your life have to mean anything to anyone but yourself?

Looking at the ocean made him feel that way. The sea was this massive thing, so different from the city, which had always made him feel closed in. Yes, it was massive looking, and compared to all that wide, open space, he did feel small, but it didn�t make him feel bad. Rather, it made him feel like he was a part of something bigger, and if he was a part of the world, instead of constantly hiding away from it and thinking he was� abnormal and dirty, it made him feel safer. It was the same with this new life of his. It felt so much better to know that he wasn�t alone. Even if the things around him, his new friends and family, also scared him sometimes. The wind ruffled his hair and if felt cold, but nice, too. He never would have been able to be here and looking out onto all of this, feeling these things, if it weren�t for Heero. That thought hit him like a physical force. Hell, if it weren�t for Heero, he would either be dead or still living with Wes, living as a zombie, a living sex toy.

�Look over the edge,� Heero called to him.

Duo looked back at him suspiciously.

�You�re not going to� shove me off or something, are you?� Duo asked.

Heero snorted.

�No, you idiot,� he teased, �I�m pretty sure you�ll get pneumonia if you fall into water that cold. Besides, we don�t have a change of clothes and I don�t want you getting my car soaked.�

Duo smiled back at him, realizing that it was a foolish question to begin with. Of course Heero wouldn�t do something like that to him. It was the sort of rotten trick that Zechs would have pulled, and had pulled before, like the time in Middle School gym class when they had to climb that stupid rope. It had been partially a test on their strength and partially a test in trust because when they reached the height of the rope, they had had to let go and their �partner� had been supposed to catch them. The rope hadn�t been very high at all, and with his small size, Duo had made it to the top. That he had been paired up with Zechs for this exercise had made Duo lose all faith in his gym teacher�s intelligence, and his compassion, and this had been after the incident at the pool.

Predictably, and Duo had indeed known it was going to happen, but had been helpless to stop it, Zechs had made it look like he was trying to catch Duo, but had missed him. Fortunately, in between the not very far drop and his reflexes, Duo had only ended up with a sprained wrist, but it wasn�t the injury that had hurt him the most. What had been the most painful, and what had stuck with him the longest, was how obvious it was that Zechs had purposefully not caught him, yet the silver haired boy had never been punished for it, just like at the pool. Their teacher had scolded Zechs for not paying attention, but hadn�t done anything further. Duo knew that the man had realized he was being bullied, but hadn�t cared enough to try to stop it. That day, Duo had learned that no one would ever care.

But Heero cared, he had learned that much since then. There were people who cared, if not to stop abuse, then to try to soften its blow. He remembered how, when Zechs had hit him hard enough in gym to make him cough up blood, Ms. Schbeiker had punished him for it. She hadn�t been able to stop it, but she had still cared. Heero was like that, too. Even before he had known about Wes and the truth of Duo�s life, he had cared. Of course he wouldn�t push him off the dumb rock, and Duo felt guilty for having doubted him. He felt guilty for having every doubted him at all. Heero wasn�t mad at him. And if he was, he certainly didn�t show it. If he was mad� he wasn�t letting it break their friendship. Knowing that, Duo just felt like an idiot for having let this go on for so long.

Heero smiled as he watched his friend get on his knees and look over the edge of the rock. Duo�s long braid fell over his shoulder and Heero imagined that the tip of it must be just barely skimming over the surface of the water. He loved that bundle of hair, the way it looked like fiery, golden oak when the sun hit it and how it swayed like a living thing every time Duo made even a slight movement. He remembered the very first time he could remember that his father had brought him to a beach. He had only been about four or five.

According to his mother, his father had been taking him to the beach ever since he had been a baby. Usually, with adult, Heero had always had to run just to keep up with them as they walked, but he had never had to run after his father, even when they had been at the beach together. His father had always walked at a slow pace for him. It had been just one of many things that he had loved about him. They had been living in the outskirts of Tokyo at the time, in a large house near the sea. Heero thought that his mother had paid the large sum of money on that house, not because of the size, or even that it was far enough away from the city that the air was mostly clear and the street uncrowned, but because, if you had gone to the south side of the house and looked out any window, all you had seen, going on and on towards the horizon, was blue ocean.

Both his mother and his uncle had been named for that sometimes calm, sometimes furious sea, though Heero had always thought that his mother, whose name meant �wave�, was much more like the sea than his Uncle Mizu, who had a temper, but never really seemed all that calm to Heero. That was another thing that Heero had in common with his mother, they both loved the sea. His father had, too. When they had moved to England, they had also been on the water, but Heero had felt that it wasn�t the same. A different country, a different ocean. It had looked the same, but he had known that it wasn�t. The beach back in Japan had had large rocks at the water�s edge like the one that Duo was now kneeling on.

That first day that he could remember, his father had helped him up onto one of those rocks and had told him to look over the side of it like he had just told Duo to, so he knew what Duo was going to see and smiled wider.

�Starfish!� Duo squealed in pure joy, grinning widely as he spotted the beautifully shaped echinoderms clinging to the side of the rock, submerged in the water only made clear by how shallow it was on that side of the rock.

As Duo turned to look back at him with wide, enchanted eyes, Heero had to fight to not jump up on the rock and kiss him. The excited boy in front of him didn�t hold a trace of paranoia or fear, just curiosity and joy. This was exactly why he had fallen in love with Duo. He had so much darkness in his life, so many reasons for hopelessness and hatred, yet time and time again, he found these things, little things that any other person would see as trite and silly, but they were so wondrous and beautiful to him. That light in eyes that were usually filled with terrible memory made Heero find that same light in everything around him.

�Can I touch them?� Duo�s voice was light and unsure, as though he were afraid that speaking too loudly would scare the creatures away, �It won�t� like� hurt them or anything?�

�Yes, you can touch them,� Heero said with a soft, fond smile.

If anyone else had asked him that, Heero would have warned them not to pry the starfish off the rocks or take them out of the water, but Duo was the kindest, gentlest person he had ever met and he knew that his friend wouldn�t do something so stupid, but he wanted Duo to experience this, he wanted Duo to know what a starfish felt like. He was quite sure, given Duo�s reaction, that the boy had never seen or touched a live starfish before. Probably, Duo�s only experience with them was from the dried skeletons that The Cottage sold as decoration. Duo slipped his hand into the icy water and traced his finger over the center of the starfish�s body. It wasn�t slimy or slick, like a fish was, but kind of bony and smooth.

Duo kept his hand under the water, lightly touching the starfish, for several minutes until the cold water started to make his fingers feel numb. When he pulled his hand back out of the water, Heero climbed up onto the rock with him. They spent the next few hours lazily watching a few fish swim around the rocks, crabs scuttle in the shallow water below them, and feeling content in the other�s comforting presence. Duo wondered if the fish were a sign that the spring would come quickly this year, or if it was normal for some fish to swim in such cold water. When Heero�s watch told him it was noon, they left the rocks and hiked over to the tiny, seaside restaurant that Heero had talked about.

It wasn�t even really a restaurant, Duo realized, because there was no place to sit down and eat besides a couple of benches outside. Rather, you walked in, the old, screen door creaking as it opened and slamming shut with a bang, ordered your food, and left. He could see the cooks from the counter where they ordered and the combination of smells coming from the fast food of fries and meat, mixed with the salty sea air, made Duo feel hungrier than usual. Duo ordered a hamburger with fries and a root beer and Heero ordered a hot dog and some onion rings with a coke. Heero had never really gotten a taste for American French fries, but Duo had a small addiction to them.

They ate out at the benches, Heero looking around for anyone else that might be at the beach, but they were still alone. Duo ate most of his meal, giving the rest of the gulls, as he put it, as a kind of apology for chasing them. The two of them finished their meal quickly and raced each other back to the rocks. There were some clouds gathering in the blue horizon, but just enough to keep away the sun�s glare and Heero didn�t think it would rain. Far off on the beach, they could see a little boy with his father and some kind of large dog, but they were walking away from them. He and Duo stood side by side and watched the ocean waves as the wind picked up a little, making Duo�s braid sway on its own. Heero tried to remember the last time he had felt this kind of peace, but it was hard.

Even before Boston, there had been so much going on. It seemed like, ever since he had let Duo into his life, peace had become impossible. But it was a paradox. At the same time that the trials of Duo�s life had made his own life hard, without Duo� he never would have felt these small glimmers of true peace. And as much as Duo had disturbed his life, he had disturbed Duo�s. Noventa and Relena� Zechs and Wes� it was the nature of their friendship, of their relationship, he supposed. The same pain, the same joy one of them felt, the other felt as well. He knew that first hand. Every step Duo took that led him closer to being whole again, and every time he was painfully knocked down again, Heero felt it, too, because he loved him too much not to empathize with him.

Besides, even if he loved this peace, this contentment, Heero hadn�t just brought Duo out here to have a nice day at the beach. He wished that had been the case, but the truth was� the truth was that either today was going to be the last day they spent together as friends, or it would just be another day, a nice day in a long line of them. That he had been able to see Duo smile, really smile, was an added benefit, he just wished it wouldn�t be the only one. If anything, seeing that smile had made Heero realize that he had to do this, because they couldn�t go on� he really didn�t want to go on pretending that that smile didn�t mean anything, and the lack of it didn�t hurt him one bit.

�I don�t want this to happen to us,� Heero said suddenly, his voice breaking heavily through the silence.

They couldn�t even hear the shrieking gulls or barking dog anymore, just the waves. Duo looked over at his friend with an expression of deep sadness. He didn�t have to ask Heero what he meant. He knew. He felt his breath catch in his throat for a second and his heart started to race. They were going to talk about it now, weren�t they? After all this time� he still wasn�t sure if he wanted to talk about it. He had spent his entire life trying to avoid painful things, but even he understood that there were some things he couldn�t run away from, and this was something that he didn�t want to.

�I� I don�t want it to happen, either,� he whispered.

Heero looked at him, literally feeling a seriousness in the air. But� oddly, it didn�t destroy the familiarity they had finally found again, it only strengthened it, and along with it, Heero felt a strange kind of relief, the kind of relief you felt when you finally had to get a cavity taken out. Yes, the procedure hurt, but sometimes it was the waiting and wondering that was even more painful. They had finally taken these last steps� even if Heero knew this conversation was going to be painful, and it might not end the way he wanted it to, or some even more painful things might be said, at least they were here. And wasn�t just admitting they didn�t want their friendship destroyed the hardest part? Didn�t that mean that they were both willing to fight for it? If Duo hadn�t said that� Heero thought that his heart might have torn to shreds.

�You�re my best friend,� Heero admitted freely, �I don�t think there�s a single thing that can happen to change that.�

He saw the confusion in Duo�s eyes and it made Heero�s heart all the more. Were they so screwed up that Duo thought he would stop being friends with him? Never. It would never happen. No matter what� it was just a fact, something he could never change, even if he wanted it.

�I�ve been friends with Quatre and Trowa since I was very, very young, and until I met you, I considered them my best friends, that�s true, but we have is� its different� its special. You can feel that, too, right?� Heero asked desperately.

He needed Duo to say it, he needed the violet eyed boy to say that their friendship was just as important to him as it was to Heero. To Heero�s immense relief, Duo nodded.

�I�ve� I�ve never had a friend like you,� Duo admitted, looking down at the sand, �I always spent my life alone. That was the very first thing I remember, besides the hunger, waking up and wondering why I had no one near me. It seemed like, no matter what I did, I couldn�t hold to anything or anyone. Every time I found someone, they died. I thought I was destined to be alone, that it was just my nature. But, I often thought that, if that were true, then why was I so lonely? If it�s in your nature to be alone, then why did it hurt? Then, I found Amaaya and the others and I realized just how lonely I really was. But even though I called them my friends, in reality, I couldn�t see them often and we were all the same. That�s probably why we connected so easily. Just like me, they all have secrets, so at the same time I felt very close to them, we were also very distant. When I went to school for the first time, I wished, as hard as I dared to wish for anything, that I would meet a friend, just one. Someone I could hold on to and tell my secrets to, without being afraid of being judged or having them leave me all alone again. Then� I met Zechs. I think, when he started to bully me and got a bunch of other kids to join in on it, I finally gave up trying to make friends. It didn�t matter how lonely I was, I was just so tired of being hurt by people.�

Duo lifted his head and his eyes met Heero�s. The Japanese boy almost flinched at the swirling emotions in those eyes.

�When we first met, I didn�t try to ignore you and push you away because you were rich or arrogant,� Duo told him, �I mean, yes, I knew you were those things and they irritated the hell out of me, but it wasn�t just that. For the first time since I had met Zechs, someone was paying attention to me, had some kind of interest in me. I couldn�t trust you. Even if I could, there was no way I wanted to let you in. It was too dangerous, because of my secrets, and because I knew how painful friendship is. You were so full of yourself� and I hated you for it. I was so sure that you were playing some nasty trick on me, maybe to earn your spot past being the �new kid�. But you were so damned persistent! When you sat down with me at lunch, I just wanted to throw you off my tail. When I agreed to sleepover, at first it was just because I didn�t want any attention drawn to me, didn�t want you asking too many questions, but really, I think even then, I was so lonely it didn�t matter anymore and there was this weird part of you that I liked. Not the arrogant bit, but how you didn�t feed into Zechs� bullshit and how stubborn you were. And eventually�� Duo�s expression became devastatingly shy, �You became someone very special to me. You�re more than just a friend. I trust you, completely. That�s the one thing I can give easily, but I trust you more than anyone else. Even though I�m very good friends with Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, and I love them very much, they will never touch on what we have. You saved me in my darkest moments, hell, you saved my life. And I mean that quite literally. If you hadn�t found me that night, even if those wounds hadn�t killed me, and I�m sure they would have, I would have ended it myself.�

Both Heero and Duo shuddered with that memory. Duo subconsciously touched his side where there was still a terrible scar from having his spleen removed. Heero remembered how Duo had begged him to kill him, to end the pain, and almost hugged Duo right there. He ran a shaky hand through his messy bangs.

�God,� he whispered in a broken voice, �Before I met you, I thought I could handle anything. I had lost my father, but I had built up this� wall around myself, this impenetrable wall where I was the biggest badass on the planet. I knew everything, I was untouchable, and nothing could ever phase me. But that day, in Boston, chained to that bed frame in that dirty hotel room� fuck, when that bastard cut you with that knife��

Heero�s fingers twitched and he almost reached out to touch the faint scar on Duo�s neck.

�I�ve never been more terrified in my entire life,� he looked away from Duo, to hide how close to tears he was.

Duo stared at his best friend, guilt tearing at his insides. Of course Heero had been afraid, at that moment, Chris had shown him that he was going to kill the both of them. And it had been because of him. Why Heero didn�t hate him for that was still a mystery to him. He didn�t think that he would ever be able to forgive himself for what had happened in Boston. It still haunted him, several weeks later. It had never really left his thoughts, Heero�s terrified eyes and the gleam of that sharp knife.

�I�m sorry,� he whispered, so low that Heero almost missed it.

He looked at Duo in confusion. What could he possibly have to apologize for that he would use such a broken tone? He should be the one to say it� this was why he had brought Duo out here, right? To tell him how sorry he was and beg him, on hands and knees if he had to, for forgiveness, so they could get their friendship back on track again, because Heero wanted to believe that that was all it would take, just knowing that Duo could forgive him.

�It was all my fault,� Duo�s tone was haunting in the silence of the beach, �If it weren�t for me, none of that would have happened.�

�Duo, that�s not-,� Heero started to protest.

�Yes, it is!� Duo snapped, looking back out at the water and Heero hated how dark his expression was.

Duo didn�t even think about Heero protesting that it was his fault. Heero had to have blamed him. No one was that� kind, that forgiving. He had dozens of memories of his best friend that said differently, but he couldn�t believe that. He certainly blamed himself, so why wouldn�t Heero blame him, too?

�It is my fault,� he murmured, �No one should have ever gotten involved with me� with my past� with Chris. If we had never met, you never would have been targeted by him. You were kidnapped and almost murdered because I couldn�t be alone anymore, because I can�t save anyone! I�m helpless, completely useless, and if that weren�t bad enough, I drag everyone down with me! Quatre was attacked by Zechs, Wufei was almost killed by Wes, and all of you keep trying to help me, even when I do nothing but hurt you and put you in danger! I�m better off alone. No, everyone would be better off if I were dead! Ever since we were kidnapped, I realized that. That no matter how hard I try, I can�t change enough. And I can�t protect any of you from my past. I�ve been trying to deny it since then, but I know that�s the truth. I couldn�t protect you from Chris and I can�t protect any of you from Wes, either. I�m useless. It was my problem, just my problem, and I should have handled it. But I couldn�t even save you. He fucking unchained me, and I didn�t do anything! I should have tried to do something, anything at all, but I failed. I failed you! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? You�ve done so much for me, and when it came time to save you, I was just a victim again. No matter what I do, I�m trash. I put you in danger, when all you�ve done is tried to help me. What kind of friend does that?�

Hearing his own thoughts of failure being thrown back in his face through Duo, froze. Then, with a deep growl, he grabbed Duo by his shoulders, forcing him to face him, and gave him a small shake.

�Are you even listening to yourself?!� he demanded, not knowing which emotion was filling his heart more, sadness or anger, �How can you say all that?! How can you possibly believe that what happened in Boston is all your fault?!�

�Because it is!� Duo shot back, �Even if Trowa and Name say that it isn�t my fault, how can you not think it? You were there with me in that room. It�s like you said, you were terrified. Hell, you almost died, all because of me. Because of my past. I knew that there would be danger as long as Chris and Wes were alive, and they knew we were friends, but I ignored it. I wanted things to be normal, just for once in my life� but it wasn�t worth it. Your life wasn�t worth it��

�Dammit, I don�t think that!� Heero insisted, �Not for a minute did I ever think something so terrible! How can you say that? How can you believe it? Duo� No one should have gotten involved in your past? Everyone would be better off if you were dead? It was your problem? After all this time, you still don�t get it. Do you think this is a game? Do you think that my mother agreed to let you live with us because she thought it would be fun?! We knew that there was danger, but we took you in to protect you. Why do we deserve to be safe more than you do? That�s why my mother can�t possibly blame you for what happened. She wants to protect you, to make sure that you�re safe. We don�t want you to face this alone! We would never want that. You think that we would all be better off if you were dead or we had never met? Well, you�re dead wrong! Until I met you, I didn�t have a life worth living. So what if my family is rich and I�m set for life? That just meant that I had nothing to strive for. All I ever had was family, the people that I loved, and when my father died, I lost that, that feeling of certainty in that love. When I met you, I understood what was important. I got that certainty back. I became vulnerable again, in my heart and from the scum that threatens you, too. But I�m vulnerable to all the things I had been denying myself, too. For the first time in my life, I�m actually looking forward to my future with excitement, not boredom and surety. I don�t want to know what�s going to happen. I�d rather be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life than live a life without you, without that spark. I never cared about the danger that your past brought with it, as long as I knew that I could protect you. I�m in danger all the time, from Mom�s enemies, but until now, I thought we could be safe. It isn�t my own life that I�m worried about� I couldn�t live with myself if something happened to you.�

Duo�s eyes were wide as Heero ranted, the Japanese boy�s voice twisted with frustration and pain. Heero� didn�t blame him? He really didn�t? No, more than that� he was saying that he could never blame him. He had never really thought about any of that� that Heero and Name cared more about protecting him than they did about whether or not he was putting them in danger. He hadn�t thought about the fact that Heero was in danger daily just by being a Yuy. He had put him in danger, his best friend; that had been his one consuming thought these past few weeks. But� Heero said that he was someone precious to him� that made his heart soar, it made him want to let go of all the fears and anxieties that had been plaguing him. He was someone special� and even after everything that had happened, Heero still wanted him in his life� that meant more to him than anything.

Heero saw the shock in Duo�s eyes and mentally swore at himself. They had spent all this time walling in misery because of misunderstandings. Duo thought it was his fault because of his past and Heero thought it was his fault because he had broken his promise to always protect Duo. They had both blamed themselves and had thought that the other blamed them, too. But all this time� Duo hadn�t hated him or distrusted him, he had been hurting because of guilt. Even now, they weren�t understanding each other. Where had that trust gone? Not all that long ago, they had known each other�s thoughts and fears, yet in a single incident, they had lost it. Had they really been broken so easily? Or had it all been under the surface, just waiting for a weak moment to hit the places where they were the most vulnerable? His hands tightened on Duo�s shoulders, though he was careful not to hurt him.

�I wasn�t scared because I knew I was going to die. I mean, of course I was scared of dying, but when he pressed that knife to your throat� I thought I was going to die just from the fear of losing you,� he confessed, Duo�s shocked look spurring him forward, �You say that it�s your fault because you left me vulnerable to the demons from your past, but that�s bullshit. It�s not like you wanted this to happen! If you had had your way, those bastards would have faded from your life without so much as a whimper! How can I blame you for what happened, knowing� remembering how much it hurt you, too! Hell, I know it hurt you worse, and I�m not talking about almost dying or the wounds he gave you, I�m talking about the terror I saw in your eyes when he showed up! You scared the hell out of me that day with that look and I finally realized the kind of life you had lived before I found you bleeding in my room that night. If you�re so set on blaming yourself for this, then you have to blame me, too!�

�Blame you?� Duo whispered, �But� you didn�t do anything to make blame you��

�That�s just the point,� Heero said sharply, his hands dropping from Duo�s shoulders, guilt filling his deep blue eyes, �I didn�t do anything! I was so useless,� he whispered, �You say you were useless, but that isn�t true. Because of you, we got out of there. You were in so much pain, anyone else in your condition wouldn�t have done all that, but you did. How can you call yourself useless? All that blood� but you kept fighting. Don�t you ever call yourself trash! I was so proud of you in that moment� and so ashamed of myself. You shouldn�t have been the one to do it, you were wounded, and I was powerless. Seeing you fight so hard� I felt ashamed.�

�You can�t say that,� Duo protested, �You were chained, you couldn�t do anything to stop it!�

�And you could?� Heero shot back, �You say you didn�t do anything, but you did when you could. You say I was chained down, so I can�t blame myself, but you couldn�t even fucking move. Why should I blame you, when I watched you lying there like a doll?! I can�t imagine what it was like for you, but I know that, if you could have done something, you would have. But it�s more than just me being powerless, I put us in danger. I was more than just powerless to save us, I was powerless to even comfort you. All I wanted was to protect you. I promised you would be safe, I promised that hundreds of times, but I failed you. I can�t handle that! I can�t handle knowing that I can�t do all those things I promised you! I knew that you lived a dangerous life, but in Boston, I allowed us to be separated from our friends. Not only that, I took us down a side street. I made us vulnerable! It�s my fault that Chris even had an opportunity to kidnap us! And when I saw that� that bastard, when I realized who he was to you, I vowed I would kill him. That, somehow, I would annihilate him for all that he did to you, but I couldn�t even do that! I didn�t do anything at all. And I couldn�t comfort you. I might have been chained up, but I couldn�t even make things easier for you. I saw how much you were suffering, and I did nothing. I didn�t even have the words� in the end, I was useless. All I wanted was to tell you that everything was going to be ok, even if it was a lie, but seeing him do those things to you� I lost my words.�

Heero turned away from Duo, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

�Fuck,� he whispered, feeling like his heart was breaking, �He raped you, right in front of me. You told me about what Wes did to you, but to actually see it� I�ll never forget that, I�ll never forget how it made me feel. My heart was tearing, I wanted to scream and bash his head in with my bare hands! I wanted to throw up� and I couldn�t protect you from that! How can you look at me, knowing that I let that happen?!�

Duo grabbed Heero�s arm and forced him to look at him. An aching pain filled him as he realized that Heero had been crying.

�Heero� don�t� it wasn�t like that,� his voice was just as pained as his chest, �I don�t blame you, I really don�t. I had so much fun before all that happened, I didn�t even think about danger, so how could you have? Chris would have come for me no matter where we were. He could have taken me right out of the hotel room. It had nothing to do with you taking me down a side street. I never expected you to fight Chris, even if you did, you wouldn�t have won. It was a good thing that you were tied down, or he would have killed you on the spot! Do you really think I wanted that? You killing yourself to avenge me? What would be the point of that?! You�re my friend� I don�t want you hurt because of me� that�s why it was so painful� knowing you might die because of me. It�s true� when he was raping me, I wanted you to comfort me. I�m that weak� even when you could have died, all I wanted was some comfort. But just knowing you were there was enough to me. Don�t you get it? If you hadn�t been there� I never would have gotten out alive. I would have given up. Because you were there� you gave me the strength to fight. You say it tore you up inside to see me raped� how do you think I felt knowing you were there, watching that?! You have no idea how it feels to know you saw what I�m really like!�

�What you�re really like?� Heero asked in confusion.

Hearing that Duo didn�t blame him at all was like a steel door had opened inside of him, but hearing the pain in his voice made it bitter. Duo looked away, suddenly ashamed to meet his gaze.

�That was Chris� point, wasn�t it?� Duo said angrily, �To show you what I�m really like� Who I was with them, and who I am now are completely different people. Back then� I was like an animal, lonely and ravenous for any kind of attention. I was a pervert and a whore, even though I hated it, sometimes it felt good and I hated that about myself. I was a victim, and I hated that, too. I couldn�t fight back. I was useless, hopeless, nothing but a� a slut, waiting for my master to fuck me again, not because I wanted it, but because that was my purpose. Sex was all that I knew, it was all that I was. When you guys took me in, I tried so hard to leave that person behind, I tried to be better. But Chris taught me that I can�t deny my past. I never wanted you to see that part of me! I would have rather died than have you, of all people, know what I�m really like. Just knowing that you were watching me being raped� watching what I was like� it made me feel so embarrassed and disgusted in myself. I knew� in that moment� we couldn�t be friends after that, that I had destroyed everything. How could I ever look you in the eye again, knowing you would be replaying that scene over and over again, being disgusted in me, and angry that I had forced you into that situation? When I realized we could never go back to being friends� I wanted to die. This friendship means everything to me! All I could think was that I�m destined to go through the same pain over and over again. I�m destined to be raped� I�m destined to be a whore� and I�m destined to lose everything that�s important to me. Everything that I love and makes me want to live. I never wanted you to see that� to know that I can�t be anything but� but that despicable person.�

�Duo�� Heero whispered in shock, putting a hand on his friend�s arm, �You�re wrong. You�re so wrong� You aren�t made up by two people. You�re just you, no matter who you live with or what you do. You�re Duo, not a whore and someone wanting to be better. Those people are the same person. Even back then, you wanted to be better, you yearned for it, but you couldn�t pull yourself up on your own. That�s the only difference. Sex isn�t who you are, it was something that was forced upon you, but it isn�t your destiny! Yes, you�ve seen a lot of hardship in your life, but it was out of your control. You aren�t powerless anymore. Chris was a part of that old life, a part you hate. If you were destined for that life, then what are we doing here, together? If our friendship is doomed, then why are we trying to fix it? If you fight against it, you can�t call it destiny. Chris did show me your true self. He showed me a boy who wants more than anything to not feel pain and shame anymore, a boy who, even bleeding all over the place and in terrible pain, somehow can find the strength to fight back. I�m not ashamed of you, I�m so proud. You�ve gone through so much, but you�re still strong, still fighting. You haven�t given up. If you had, you never would have come to live with us. This friendship isn�t dead, it�s still fighting. You�re not a whore, you�re the boy-,�

�That I love,� Heero bit his lip to keep the thought from flying out there.

�You�re the boy that I care for so much, I can be in this much pain from this� this damage in our relationship,� he corrected himself, �If I didn�t care this much, I would have given up, too,� he ran his hand through his hair again, �I just feel like� like I don�t know what you need anymore. We�ve let this� gap happen between us and you�ve felt abandoned because of it. You wouldn�t be thinking these things if it weren�t for that. I used to know your insecurities so well, and you knew mine. But I�ve lost my confidence, ever since that day��

�That�s not true,� Duo said softly, feeling twisted up inside at hearing Heero say he didn�t think he was a bad person.

That had been consuming him for so long, but Heero had never thought of him that way and he suddenly felt foolish. Heero cared for him� his past was a part of him, but he didn�t think that made him dirty or useless. It was� freeing. Could they make this work? He wanted to believe in what Heero was saying so badly�

�You�ve always known what I�ve needed,� he said, �You�ve been there for me. Even when we weren�t talking to each other, when I had nightmares, when Wes came for me, you were there. You�ve always been there for me. I�ve just been too stupid to acknowledge it. Even when we�ve pushed away from each other, we were just fooling ourselves, weren�t we? We were still there, together. I know� I know I hurt you when I flinched from you� and I never wanted to hurt you��

�You don�t have to explain it,� Heero said sadly, �I know you�ve been struggling with all of this��

�And you haven�t?� Duo shot back, �You�ve just told me how much you�ve been hurting lately. And I do have to explain it, because it isn�t fair to you. It�s like you said. We�ve always had something special, and I almost ruined it. Or maybe we both did, I don�t know. When we were saved, all I could think of was that you had to be furious at me for putting your life in danger. I was so scared of that� not you, I was never afraid of you and I never thought you would hurt me. I didn�t flinch from you because of that. I was just so terrified of you hating me, of being mad of me, of not respecting me anymore� I couldn�t bear the thought that you might be ashamed of me. Yes, I�m scared of Wes and Chris, and what they could do to me and all of you, but the one thing I�ve been the most scared of is losing your respect. When I flinched from you, you looked so angry� and you yelled at me in that room� I thought it had to be true, that you hated me.�

Heero shook his head.

�I was never mad at you. I could never be mad at you, especially not then. I was so glad that you were safe, that you were still alive. I had been so sure that I was going to lose you� I was terrified and when they finally came for us� I wanted to scream with joy that you were going to be ok. When you tried to stand up, I yelled at you because I knew that you were in terrible pain and there was nothing I could do to help you. I was angry at myself. But I was so proud of you� the responsibility should have been mine, but even though you were wounded so badly, you did what had to be done. You saved us,� Heero whispered.

He watched in alarm as Duo started to cry, his face pinched in his attempts to stop the tears, and failing.

�You could have died,� the longhaired boy gasped out between his small sobs, �You could have died and I was so scared. I�ve faced death so many times, but the thought of losing you� that day� I felt something inside of me break. It�s been so hard� just believing that you�re still safe, that everything turned out ok. It�s been so easy blaming myself for it, because I feel like I�m still losing you. I just want everything to be ok! I want them to leave me alone� to leave you alone, but I can�t do anything about it! And that hurts� to think that I might still lose you.�

Seeing Duo cry broke through Heero�s last, lingering resolve not to touch Duo unless he showed that he wanted it. He hugged his best friend tightly, wanting to cry himself when Duo settled against him instead of pushing him away. Were they getting over their problems? Could they� could they forgive themselves?

�I felt the same way,� Heero whispered to Duo, �I feel that, no matter how strong I become, this has proven to me that I�m powerless to protect you. I don�t want to lose you, either. Hell,� he chuckled darkly, �Ever since I was released from those damned cuffs, this is all I wanted to do, just hug you as tightly as I could, but I could never reached out until you did. I was too scared that, if I did, you would push me away. Even when you flinched from me, you never said you wanted to stop being friends with me. I clung to that. But if you actually, physically pushed me away� then I would know��

�That�s why I kept flinching from you,� Duo confessed in a near murmur, �Because of that stupid, broken part of me that blamed me for everything and felt this terrible guilt� At first, I thought it was because I didn�t want to dirty you, that you had seen this terrible part of me and that meant all that filth was on the surface and I couldn�t bear to touch you knowing that� then I thought it was because I was sure you hated me, and that was a big part of it, but� Recently, I realized that, subconsciously, I was terrified of you getting close to me. You had just seen me be raped, had realized what my past was really like� I was terrified of you getting to close, of letting you in any further than you already had been. When I tried to imagine the others seeing me like that, it didn�t bother me as much as you seeing it and that�s how I knew you were getting too deep under my skin. I� I�ve never really let anyone in before��

Heero felt deeply flattered that Duo considered him that important and smiled. He let go of the other boy and brushed his knuckles over Duo�s pale cheek, pretending he had done it to brush Duo�s hair away from his face.

�I never have, either,� he admitted, �I guess� that�s why I was blaming myself, too. I�ve never had a friend like you and there�s a part of myself that understands I�ll never find someone like you again. If I ever lost you� well, it was easy to hate myself thinking that I might lose you, all because I couldn�t keep a few promises,� he chuckled bitterly, �I mean, it took me this long just to take you to a beach. And� when we met your friend Amaaya in Boston, I had promised her that I would never, ever hurt you. But I did hurt you, by letting you suffer in that room, and I felt that I should be punished for it. I never wanted you to suffer and since I couldn�t punish Chris, I had to punish myself.�

Heero held Duo�s hand in his, marveling at its realness in the face of terrible memories of that knife at Duo�s throat.

�I still feel like I�m trapped in that room,� Heero murmured, �I feel like I can�t help you and there�s something precious at stake. And there is, only this time it�s our friendship and not our lives.�

Heero�s thumb traced over Duo�s knuckles, which made Duo blush darkly. It felt nice, that little bit of contact, and it made Duo�s heart race.

�All this time, we�ve been blaming ourselves and thinking that we�re blaming each other,� Heero summed up, �And that�s exactly what�s killing our relationship. How can we possibly move past this if we keep blaming ourselves? It�s just going to eat us up inside unless we can let go of it.�

�I don�t think I can ever stop blaming myself for what happened,� Duo told him, �Even now, knowing that you don�t hate me, I still feel that terrible guilt. You�re right, someone needs to be punished, someone needs to take the blame, because what happened was awful and it�s not exactly something I can let go of easily. Maybe before� but so much time has passed and that incident has consumed so much of my time and thoughts� how can I just let go?�

�How about we put the blame where it rightfully belongs?� Heero suggested.

Duo looked confused as Heero�s eyes hardened in deadly seriousness.

�Chris,� Heero told him, �You never asked to be kidnapped, you never asked for any of this to happen. You never asked for Wes to rape you, either. It was Chris who tried to kill us, not you and not me. Instead of asking who is to blame and wallowing in guilt, we should be blaming the man that raped you. Chris did this to us, so why should we blame ourselves.�

What Heero said made the most sense out of anything else he had heard about the kidnapping incident, but it was one thing to be told to let something that huge go and another to actually do it. Wasn�t it odd that, all this time he had spent pointing the finger at himself and thinking poorly of himself, that he had never once turned around and thought it was really Chris� fault? Because it was. And he was tired of feeling guilty, but there was something in his heart that clung to that guilt, as though he thought that all of this was too good to be true.

�I know that,� he murmured, �But-,�

�But nothing,� Heero said firmly.

Suddenly, clarity hit him like a truck.

�There was nothing you could have done,� Heero realized out loud.

The color drained from Duo�s face, making him look like a ghost.

�There was nothing either of us could do,� the blue eyed teenager said with conviction, �What are we feeling guilty about? That we were helpless? Well, if that�s true, if we were helpless, what else could we have done? We survived, didn�t we? Isn�t that enough? I don�t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have done to help you and I don�t want you to spend the rest of yours wondering what could have happened if Chris hadn�t focused his attention on me. I�ll always feel guilty about never being able to protect you. And I know you�ll always feel guilty about Chris attacking me, but I don�t want to lose our friendship over it!�

�There was nothing you could have done.�

For such a small concept, it was terrifying. It made Duo realize that he really had been completely helpless. But� at the same time� it was a huge relief. He couldn�t have done anything in that situation� he had spent these weeks wondering what he should have done, but in reality� Heero was right. They had both been powerless. There was nothing either of them could have done. They had done all that they could and because of it, they were both alive. So why were they feeling so guilty? Letting down a precious friend was painful, but losing one was even more painful. He almost gasped as something painful let go of his heart and for the first time since that trip, blessed relief filled him. He loved Heero, and he could never let him go. So why was he obsessing over his guilt when it was what was distancing them from each other. All of a sudden, none of it made any sense to him. He loved Heero and that was enough. If it wasn�t enough to overpower that guilt, then they might as well just walk away from each other in that moment.

�I don�t want to lose you,� Duo said with a sense of finality.

Heero smiled brightly at him, realizing what his best friend was saying. Yes, they were best friends� they had broken promises and failures and pain, but it never should have been enough to break their friendship. It wouldn�t be enough. It wasn�t his fault, Heero thought with an immense feeling of relief. It wasn�t either of their faults. A terrible thing had happened, but goddamn it, it was Wes and Chris� faults, not theirs. He had never wanted Duo to be kidnapped or some sicko to try to kill him. It had just happened. And there was nothing he could have done. He had been chained down, powerless� and while it was painful to admit that, he could admit it now. He was powerless. But he loved Duo and when he could, he would protect him. And when he couldn�t, he would still be there for him.

Heero hugged Duo again, this time tighter, feeling that gap between them closing, though slowly. Duo smiled at the feeling of Heero�s strong arms around him. He wanted to feel this forever. He wanted this moment to last forever. He felt� he felt safe. Duo�s eyes widened at that realization. He felt safe. He almost laughed at himself. He had forgotten again. He had let his past, he had let Wes, steal something important from him. In Boston, it had been his security in his friendship, and now, it had been his security of his home. But what had changed? Nothing at all.

His home was still a sanctuary. It wasn�t because he was suddenly safer. No, he was no safer or in more danger than he had ever been. It was a sanctuary, not because it had anything to do with safety, but because it held the people that he loved. In that sense, it would always be the place that was the most sacred to him. It was the one place that he felt safest above all else, even if it wasn�t a fortress and never would be again. As long as he had Heero, Name, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, it was the one place he always wanted to be. He refused to let his fear turn it into anything else. He closed his eyes, feeling the cool wind wash over him. There was no way in Hell he was going to let Wes gain power over that, over Name�s love and all the time she had spent in making him feel like one of the family. Wes wasn�t going to get the last laugh this time.

Wes wasn�t going to win this battle over his heart. Not this time.
　

End part 26
　

End Chapter 7
　

　

　
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The Road to Kindness