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A Stagnation of Love (rewrite)	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 2207 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing AC or the characters from it. I am making no money from this story

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A Stagnation of Love

Chapter 7

Part 4
　

Mr. Yuy had been right when he had said that Heero could go professional if he wanted to. Those weren't just the words of a proud parent who believed that their child was special and could accomplish anything. Heero was damned good and all those rumors about his skill hadn't been exaggerations at all. Watching the try outs was a lot different than going to see Trowa's basketball match. For one, it wasn't very crowded, the bleachers not even half full with parents that had just come to add moral support for their kid, and it wasn't very loud either, everyone trying to be quiet to let the players concentrate. Also, it wasn't actually a game. There were two events: batting and pitching. All the boys lined up for each and got ten tries, while Coach Horner wrote down their results on his clipboard.

None of the boys trying out were bad. They all seemed to be veteran players of the sport, marking the difference between try outs for the regular team and varsity, but none of them held a candle to Heero, and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. He started out in the group that was pitching to the batting group. In a weird state of events, the boy that he ended up pitching against was none other than Alex Williams, as in the same Alex that hung out with Zechs. I felt a thrill of fear when he walked up to the plate, the same bat that Zechs had almost used on me the day that I had come out slung over his shoulder. I could easily imagine him striking the ball right at Heero or doing something equally immature.

But there was another part of me that felt afraid, a part of me that I hadn't even known existed until that moment. I was afraid because... I didn't want Alex to win. I wanted Heero to be victorious and get one up on the asshole. I felt adrenaline coursing through me as the two of them squared off, and I wasn't even the one facing him. When Alex sneered smugly at my friend, I secretly hoped that Heero would devastate him. I didn't even want Heero to hit him or anything, I just wanted him to show him how much better he was than him in every way.

I wasn't disappointed. My worries quickly vanished when Heero smirked at him, like he knew how out of his league Alex was, and then pitched the ball at him. I had never seen anyone throw anything like that before. Heero's aim and the movements of his arm and body were so exact and well practiced, but it was his eyes that got to me. They were so intense, the look of someone twice his age, so focused on one thing and when he let that ball go, there was this shine to those blue eyes, this look of happiness and satisfaction. My heart ached with desire for him and I felt this immense love and affection for him, so strong that I thought I would get sick with it.

That ball went at Alex like a freaking rocket. I could barely track it and our mutual bully didn't stand a chance. He swung his bat at the air, but was seconds too late to even come near it. The ball hit dead center in the catcher's mitt and Alex blinked in confusion, not at where the ball had gone, but at Heero, like he couldn't believe that the other boy had thrown it at that speed. I watched with excitement as Alex gritted his teeth and readied himself, obviously thinking that it had been a fluke, only for the same result to be repeated again and again and again. He didn't manage to hit a single one of Heero's pitches. I felt like I might burst out of my seat and cheer Heero's name.

"That's bullshit!" he yelled when Horner told him to go rejoin his group for the pitching practice, "That's not a legal pitch! Are you fucking blind, he's cheating!"

"That's it, Williams, get out of here!" Horner snarled right back at him, "No one likes a sore loser!"

Alex glared at Heero heatedly and for a scary moment, I thought that he was going to throw his bat at him, but he just stormed off the field and it didn't even matter to me that he was probably going to try to get back at either of us for that embarrassment. Heero looked over at me, his gaze not frightened of Alex's display of temper, but triumphant. I couldn't stop myself. I beamed at him and gave him a thumb's up. He blushed, rubbing sheepishly at the back of his head and smiled back at me. It was the most beautiful smile in the world. When Heero passed Horner to get ready for the batting portion of his try out, the coach thumped him on the shoulder and I knew right then that he was going to get on the team.

I understood then, as I waited for Heero to have his turn to bat, why Quatre had always gone to Trowa's basketball games, even though he had had no interest at all in sports. It hadn't just been about being able to see Trowa more. When I watched Heero play, watched him throw himself fully into something that he loved and excelled at, I felt this excitement knowing that I was seeing this entirely different side to him. He stood up at the plate, his hands clenched around the bat and each and every time he swung it, he did it like it was just another part of himself. The cracking noise that the bat made when it struck the ball all ten times was chilling, the power behind it as it sent the ball flying over the fence.

I knew then that this was all just a formality to him, going through the try outs. He and his parents had known that he would be getting on the team, I understood that from the first moment that he swung. It didn't matter how fast the pitch was, he knew exactly where the ball was going to go and when and how hard he would need to swing.

Seeing him there, in his element, this completely different person from the bully that I had known or even the person that described himself as a coward, I fell more and more in love with him, with every part of him, even the parts that I didn't know about yet. I wanted to find them all, discover them like a little kid finding some wonderful truth about the world. I was absolutely sure that Quatre had felt the same way when he had watched Trowa play, doing something that he had loved. It was an addicting, amazing feeling, watching the boy that I loved. Even the other boys trying out, the same kids that we went to school with and openly mocked him with hostility, watched him, not with jealousy or bitterness, but amazement. It was like they were watching a professional baseball game and all they could do was admire his skills, just like I was. It was incredible that, just by excelling at a sport, he could make them forget that he was an outcast.

But at the same time that I felt all those things for him, I also felt a deep sadness as I watched him play. I didn't have anything in my life like that. There wasn't some skill that I had that would let me excel in anything. More than that, I mourned the things that had died in me. While I didn't think that I had any extraordinary gift, Heero was right, I had enjoyed cooking and running. There had been times when running in the morning before school had been the only thing that had kept me sane. But now... I just didn't care. All I had that made me feel anything beyond sadness and fear anymore was Heero.

I didn't love anything anymore. My father had taken that from me. Or maybe I just use him as an excuse, to explain away why there's nothing in my life. Maybe I'm just this flat, boring person and, sooner or later, I would find myself not caring for Heero, just like everything else. When I think about running or cooking or even reading, how I used to love those things and enjoy them, I feel like I'm losing my humanity. That grey place in my head... I haven't been able to escape it after all of these years. It's just spread out into everything that I do, everything that once made me feel.

How long before it takes Heero as well? How long before he realizes what I am and abandons me like everyone else? Heero's world is filled with these amazing colors, with all this life and hope. I don't belong in that world. I can feel that. But like a fish dreaming of flying, I can't let it go. I know that our friendship won't go anywhere, just like I knew that my relationship with Trowa wasn't going to go anywhere, but I still cling to it anyway like some kind of parasite. I don't even know what I want. I'm so terrified of the things that I feel for him, and my sense of caution and self-perseverance tells me that I should stay away from him. But the rest of me wants it too much. I just want to be with him, even if I drag him down into the muck with me. That's the sort of horrible person that I am. I just hope that he never finds that out about me.

*****
My morose mood threatened to follow me around, but I couldn't maintain it when Heero met with me at the bleachers with a triumphant smile on his face. His satisfied mood was contagious, bleeding into me and pushing away my sad thoughts for awhile. On our way to a seafood restaurant that was close by for lunch, he informed me that Coach Horner had told him that his getting onto the team was a done deal, not that either of us was surprised. Heero ordered a platter of various fried fish and scallops and fries for us to share and we talked about the try outs while we ate. I got Heero to talk to me a little about his old varsity team in Florida, steering the conversation away from me as much as possible.

I went right from the restaurant to the bus stop to go to work after we finished eating, congratulating Heero on showing up Alex. I felt even worse about going to work than I had the day before, even though I only had the one shift. For the first time in my life, I wanted to just not show up at work so I could do something that I wanted to do: hang out with my friend. Not that I ever would, but the desire was there. I berated myself for being greedy. This was the best weekend that I had had since Quatre had died. No, maybe even before that. I had eaten more food that day than I typically ever did, I was enjoying myself, and for a short while at least, I had been able to immerse myself in someone else's life and forget my own.

But the world goes on. What I was doing... well, it was a band-aid, wasn't it? I was putting a band-aid on a mortal wound and pretending like it was healed. When I was with Heero and his parents, it was so easy to pretend like nothing was wrong, that I was no one more than who they thought I was: Heero's friend. It was easy to pretend that that band-aid was holding and helping. But when I went to work, I remembered that it would have to end eventually. Sunday night was waiting for me and I would have to go back to my real home. Just the thought of it made me feel like I had swallowed barbed wire. Nothing ever lasts, only the terrible things.

I got back to the Yuy's home faster that night, at 1:15 in the morning. I switched off the lights, locked the door, and headed up into the guest room. This time, I swore to myself, I was going to make a serious effort in staying in that bedroom, if only because I didn't want my hosts to start thinking that there was something wrong with me. Always the lie, I guess. But it's what I'm good at. Maybe that's my true calling. Maybe I should start considering a long term career as a con artist.

I needn't have worried about falling asleep, I was dead to the world almost as soon as my head hit that pillow, either from pure exhaustion or I was finally getting used to being there. But my sleep was far from peaceful. Maybe it was my fears about the next night or maybe it was just a completely random occurrence, but I had one of those strange nightmares. Only this time, it was made a thousand times worse by my waking up in a place that my mind didn't immediately recognize.

I woke, as I always do when the nightmare hits me, in a dream state, my heart racing and actually tasting the fear like it was a real thing. I had escaped from my home, away from the monster, but it had finally tracked me down. It was waiting there for me, in the shadows of the new room, waiting to drag me down in the darkness where it could feast on me. Only there was no gun here to hold it at bay, no safe little alcove where it couldn't reach me. I staggered out of bed, my heart rate doing something freaky and I was shaking so hard, I felt like the world was shaking with me. I was vulnerable and it was going to find me. I was panting, on the verge of hyperventilating. I had to find a way to defend myself. A knife, a blunt object, something that would make me safe from it.

And suddenly I knew. I knew exactly what I needed that would stop the monster. That's the last thing that I remember about the nightmare, that knowledge. In a way, it was a lot like the night that I had almost shot my father, I had that same surety in my half asleep, half awake state, that belief that I had the answer, that something could save me. The next thing that I can remember that isn't just a confused jumble of terror is waking up standing in front of Heero's closed door, my hand reached out like I was about to knock on it.

My heart was still pounding away in my chest and I desperately took a few deep breaths, but it didn't help. I couldn't calm myself down and now I had a whole new fear to add to the mix of terrors on a war path through me. What the hell was the matter with me? I had almost knocked on Heero's door... or had I already? That I had done it in my sleep was no excuse, some logical part of me had walked from the guest room to his with this belief that I needed him, that he could help me. In my panic and my terror, my mind had gone to him. What would I have done if he had actually woken up? Just how did this all work? Did I have enough lucidity in these nightmare states that I would have told him why I was scared?

I pulled my hand away from the door like it had been burned. I screamed at myself to move, to walk away and back to the guest room as quickly as I could, but I didn't. I stood there, like I was frozen stiff because... because that need hadn't gone away just because I had woken up. My fear was still there, my loneliness, and that monster, while I was aware that it was illogical and who that monster really was, was still there in my head, a constant threat. I still wanted to talk to someone. I still needed to be with someone.

I could do it, I knew. I could walk into Heero's room and wake him up and beg him to talk to me. I didn't even want to talk about the things that were really bothering me, I just needed to hear someone's voice. We could talk about the fucking weather and it would have made me feel better. But I couldn't do that. As much as I needed him, I was too scared to take that extra step. Besides, he would know that there was something wrong with me, he would ask me questions that I wasn't so sure I had the strength to lie about.

"Duo, what's wrong?" I nearly jumped right out of my skin when Heero's voice came from right behind me, like I had summoned him with my turbulent thoughts.

Seeing him there, his blue eyes dark from the low lighting, was enough to drive a spike through my heart.

"I'm sorry," I apologized awkwardly, "I didn't mean to bother you, I'll... I'll just go back to my room."

I tried to walk past him, but he grabbed my wrist, keeping me from leaving. Goosebumps leapt up on my skin, his touch so real compared to my nightmares about my father. I didn't try to pull my arm away. I couldn't. I could barely breathe.

"I..." I started to say, a thousand thoughts in my head, warring for the right to be brought out of the dark and onto my tongue.

'I can't sleep.'

'I can't take my nightmares anymore.'

'I killed my best friend and his mother and destroyed the rest of his family's lives.'

'I love you so much that it hurts, and I just want it to stop but I don't know how.'

'I was raped by my father and now all I want is to destroy everything around me.'

'I shouldn't even be alive.'

'I want to die, but I would miss you too much.'

"I had a nightmare," I said lamely, "I don't think that I'm going to be able to get back to sleep. I have them a lot and it's rare that I can... afterwards."

I felt like a total, awkward moron even for even admitting that much. Heero didn't make fun of me for having that kind of issue at our age and his gaze actually softened into a sympathetic one.

"Would you like to sleep with me?" he asked suddenly.

My eyes went huge and my face lit on fire as I stared at him like a deer would stare at a car barreling towards it. My brain couldn't even cope with the words that had just come out of his mouth and the image that was dancing around in my exhausted head.

"U...uh, t-that's," I sputtered nonsensically.

For a moment, Heero looked confused about my reaction, then his own words seemed to dawn on him and he turned beat red.

"I-I didn't mean," he stumbled just as much as I did, "I wouldn't try anything funny or anything... I just meant..." he looked like he was going to run off to find some place to hide in his embarrassment or start banging his head against the wall, but little by little, regained his composure, "I only meant," he took a deep breath and rubbed at his face, unable to look at me, "When I was a kid and I had a nightmare, I was never able to fall back asleep unless my mom or dad slept with me. Having someone near me... it was comforting. Maybe, if we laid down together, you might be able to go back to sleep. It's too early in the morning for you to be awake."

I almost immediately burst out 'no thanks' and bolted out of there, but for some reason, I didn't. I actually found myself considering what he was saying. To lay down with him... to be next to him on the same bed... that idea was both wonderful and terrifying. Some part of me yearned for it, to be close to this person, but I was also scared of what might happen. Would I say or do something stupid, or would I just get hurt? There was this power to the thought and I suppose that's why I didn't immediately turn him down. A cruel voice in my head sadistically pointed out that this was no doubt going to be the only chance that I would ever have of being that close to Heero. And what if, while he was asleep and I was awake, we accidentally got too close and touched? Would that really be such an awful thing?

"I'm a bit too old for that," I murmured weakly.

"Look, I promise, I won't try anything," he vowed, "You can just consider it like a sleepover, only we'll be in the same bed. Only if you want to."

I dared a glance at him. His face was still bright red, still embarrassed by his suggestion. That was right, I reminded myself, it wasn't like we were just two normal, teenaged boys. In my own embarrassment, I had forgotten that we were both gay. Heero was obviously well aware of it, that I might be uncomfortable because I was thinking that he wanted to... But that was the furthest thing from my mind. I was only worried about my own desires, partially because Heero didn't really seem like the kind of person who would take advantage like that, and because I just couldn't see him being attracted to me. I wasn't anything that he wanted, and his insistence that he wouldn't try anything only bolstered that belief.

"I'm not worried about you trying anything," 'it's not you that I'm worried about', I thought bitterly, "I've just never... slept next to anyone before. It feels kind of weird. But... I would like to see... if it'll help," I managed to get out before I changed my mind.

"Ok," Heero smiled at me, "If you get uncomfortable or I hog all the covers or something, you can kick me and leave."

I nodded, feeling so incredibly awkward as he opened his bedroom door and I followed him inside. He took the first step, laying down on his bed like it was the most natural thing in the world and I supposed that it was. I stood there on the opposite side, feeling nervous and terrified and like my guts were going to jump right out of my mouth at any minute. He didn't urge me or anything, but was patient as I finally found the courage to lay down next to him and pull the covers up over me. I quickly rolled over onto my side with my back facing him. I found it easier to pretend that there was a lot more space between us than there was, but even then, my heart was pounding.

"Good night, Duo," I heard Heero say in a very cute, sleepy slur.

"Good night, Heero," I replied back, trying to keep any tremor out of my voice.

What proceeded was probably one of the worst night's sleep I've ever had. Oddly enough, it didn't take me long to doze off in Heero's bed. The bed wasn't all too different from the one in the guest room and I was somehow able to kid myself into believing that the boy that I had a massive crush on wasn't mere inches away from me. It was actually a relief to slip off so quickly into sleep after the previous night of tossing and turning, but it didn't last long.

One minute, I was dead asleep, the next, I felt the bed shift and something... someone... was brushing up against me. I was awake in a second, this horrible panic and revulsion filling me. I almost lashed out as I was sure, absolutely, positively sure that the person in bed with me was my father. My eyes shot open wide and frightened in the dark and I clutched the strange pillow to my chest like a lifeline, my breath coming out in harsh pants and my heart like a fucking jackhammer in my chest. I fought against all my instincts to flee or cry with fear or hit the other person, trying to remember where I was and what was happening to me. When I finally did remember, all I felt was shame. I couldn't even share a bed with someone that was my friend without freaking out.

All Heero had done was shift in his sleep. His shoulder had brushed mine, barely, and I had reacted like there was a monster in my midst. But even then, I felt fear. I buried my head into Heero's pillow and let a few tears fall on it. The rest of the morning, until I woke up for work at 8 am, went like that. Every time that Heero moved, every time he mumbled in his sleep, every time I heard a creak or some small noise outside the bedroom, I awoke in an almost screaming panic, clutching that pillow so tightly, it's a miracle that I didn't tear it open. It was hellish, almost as bad as not being able to sleep at all, that constant waking in a state of fear.

But do you want to know the weird thing? Even though I was scared, even though every time the bed shifted, I remembered that nightmarish, horrible sensation of feeling my own mattress dip when my father leaned on it, and even though I hated myself for ever thinking about my father when I was with Heero... I didn't have any nightmares. Not a single one, strange or usual. And when I actually did sleep, at least until I got woken up again, it was deep. It was like, when I was asleep, I knew the truth that I couldn't wrap my head around when I was awake, that I was safe. I only wished that the rest of me could realize that, that the person sleeping there with me wasn't the monster that was terrorizing my life, but the one thing that was keeping me alive.

There's a point when a person's body or mind or both can't take a certain amount of pain or trauma or discomfort or exhaustion anymore and it just kind of shuts down. I'm well accustomed to this. It's the thing that let's me keep going on with a broken arm, or eat when I have no appetite and the mere thought of food makes me want to vomit. It's the same thing that kicked in at some point in the early hours of that morning and I finally found myself drifting off into an uninterrupted sleep, at least for a couple of hours. That, or I was finally getting accustomed to having Heero sleeping next to me.

I woke up at seven am, my internal alarm clock kicking my ass instead of a nightmare or a panic attack. I sat up in bed, a tiny bit of morning light showing through the curtains and felt completely strange, sitting in Heero's bed. I sat there and, instead of going to take a shower or going downstairs to see what I could have for breakfast, I sat up and looked down at my friend. Heero was curled up on his side, his back to me, one arm flung off the bed and his legs tangled in the sheets. His mouth was slightly open as he snored lightly, a tiny bit of drool present in the corner of his mouth. His hair, always so unruly, was a true mess, sticking up at angles that I hadn't thought physically possible. He was the most beautiful thing in the world.

I spent the next hour like that, just watching him sleep like some kind of creepy stalker. But it was so soothing, so peaceful, watching him do the thing that I couldn't. His sleep was deep and innocent. If he dreamt at all, I couldn't tell. I wished that I could sleep like that, just dead to the world, like a little kid. I felt that warmth in me, the warmth that was always there when I was near him, that love for him. As turbulent as my morning had been, I didn't want to leave that bed. I wanted to stay with him and be with him, even if it brought me restless sleep. But that was the one thing that I couldn't do.

When I knew that I couldn't put it off any longer, I left Heero's room and took a very quick shower, putting on my work uniform and went downstairs. I wasn't really sure what to do for breakfast, since it wasn't my house to be rifling around in and no one was up yet except for me and the dog, who followed me around the second that I reached the first floor. To my surprise, in the kitchen I found a plate of cornbread waiting for me and a note telling me to help myself to it, as well as to heat up some chili that was in the fridge. I was all too happy to oblige, putting a large helping of the stuff in a bowl and heating it in the microwave. The chili was absolutely delicious, teeming with different spices, but it had a slightly sweet taste instead of outrageously hot that went well with the bread. I knew without a doubt that it had come from Mrs. Yuy's side of the family and vowed to get the recipe from her some time.

Work went by a lot quicker than it the previous days. Solo, myself, and two other guys were sent out to the Red Barn Meats and Treats, a stupid name for a rather decent restaurant. It got it's name from the building that it was housed in, which used to be a large barn attached to an old, country home. One of those large houses that was meant to be occupied by an equally large family, back when Nausten had been a farming community in the 19th century, before the railroad came in. The farm had been sold to the restaurant's owner's great grandfather who had renovated the place and turned it into a cozy eatery, specializing in colonial decor and some really choice steaks, or so I'd heard since it was way too expensive for someone like me.

Unfortunately for the owner, but fortunately for the company that I worked for, some juvenile assholes had gone at the place after hours that weekend and had spray painted one entire side of the barn with some... rather lewd graffiti. Let's just say that the mildest thing depicted there had been a naked lady getting screwed by a steer and leave it at that, shall we? The owner had contracted my crew to come out and take care of the mess, which entailed stripping off the old paint and then a new paint job. It was a two day process and on that Sunday, Solo and I were on paint removal duty. It was long, painstaking work, but it passed the time really well. I knew that Monday would see me back at that barn with a paint brush in hand.

My team and I worked fast that day, and not just because we wanted the paint gone before the end of our shift. That morning was the coldest that it had been since February and the wind was biting and unpleasant, promising things that none of us wanted to consider. It was around three in the afternoon when the first snow flake drifted down onto my face. It was only December 9th, but it wasn't like it was the first snow fall that we had had since the fall. Still, I knew that this wasn't just one of the freak snow falls that we had had in October and November, this was the real deal.

The snow was light, but relentless as we worked, not quite a storm, but just a drifting, yet still enough to coat the ground in a light powder. I was more concerned with the cold wind than the snow, since I hadn't brought my winter gloves with me, just the work ones that had been provided. I had known that the snow had been coming, but I had still forgotten to pack them. It had been cold all that weekend and the ponds were starting to freeze over already, snow was just inevitable. Usually, I would think about the winter with dread, but as stupid as it sounds, all I could think about was my promise to teach Heero how to ice skate. It looked like that might happen a lot sooner than I had thought.

We finished an hour early, thankfully, and I was able to spend the last hour of my shift in the office by the heater, doing some filing work. I had mixed feelings as I got on the bus to go back to the Yuy's house. It was the last night that I would spend with them before the weekend was over and I would have to go back to my home, but I could also spend the entire night with Heero, until he had to go to bed. It wasn't like I was never going to see him or his family again, I reminded myself, it was just that the thought of seeing my parents again after three days of peace weighed on me heavily.

By the time I got off the bus and walked to the house, the snow had finally stopped, leaving not even an inch on the ground. I dusted the snow off my jacket and shoes before walking into the house and was greeted with the thick smell of beef and something sweet baking. Immediately, I felt better, relaxed and comforted. It hit me then, like a bolt of lightning, that somehow in the last couple of days, that smell of home cooking, the smell of the fresh flowers that Mrs. Yuy put in the vases around the house every day, had become the smell of home to me. I had come to expect it, the same as the smell of stale beer and mildew reminded me of my house and my parents. How could one smell be so inviting and the other so hostile?

"Welcome home, Duo," Mr. Yuy greeted me as I walked into the living room, completely unaware of how those words tore into me.

Kanuck had been laying at his feet as the man had read the newspaper and bounded over to me happily, remembering not to jump up on me. I petted him eagerly, missing my own furry animal.

"Thank you, sir."

I only barely managed not to remark 'it's good to be home.'

"Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes," he informed me, "Why don't you get out of those clothes and wash up?"

"Ok," I agreed.

I had already taken a shower that morning and I almost never took two showers in one day, to save on water, but I didn't have to worry about that there and I had to admit that a thought of a hot shower seemed heavenly. Besides, I reminded myself, I might as well take advantage of that shower while I could. And taking advantage is exactly what I did. I spent all of those twenty minutes in the shower, scrubbing my hair and basking under the spray of the hot water. When I was done, I pulled on the only clean clothes that I had left: sweatpants and a long sleeved hoodie shirt. It felt incredibly good to be wearing those loose fitting clothes after a long shift in jeans and uniform shirt.

When I went downstairs, I found that Mrs. Yuy had made us beef tips with white rice and broccoli, as well as an apple pie for dessert. I really hoped that all those full meals weren't going to spoil me when I had to go back to my usual eating schedule. I didn't really think that it was going to be a problem, though. I never seemed to have much of an appetite at home, but when I was at the Yuy's, I felt like my stomach was a bottomless pit.

"So, Duo," Mr. Yuy said just as we were starting on dessert, "Is there a time that you need to be home by tonight?"

"Not really," I shook my head, "As soon as you're sick of me, I guess."

"I don't think that's possible," Mrs. Yuy chuckled, "But you're welcome to stay here as late as you like. Mr. Yuy can give you a ride home-"

"That's not necessary," I protested, my stomach dropping at the thought of him seeing where I lived, "I can just take the bus."

"I'm not comfortable with you taking the bus late," Mrs. Yuy frowned, "This town might be small, but that doesn't mean that there isn't any crime. We're responsible for you while you're staying with us, it won't be any trouble for us to drive you home."

I imagined that both of Heero's parents would have a problem knowing that I often walked around south Nausten late at night, without much thought to my own personal safety.

"Actually," Heero chimed in, "I was thinking that I could go with you, just to make sure that you get home safely."

"I'm not sure..." Mrs. Yuy said hesitantly, obviously thinking that if it was unsafe for me, it would be unsafe for her child as well.

"Take Kanuck with you and I'm sure you'll be fine," Heero's father conceded, "Now, before either of you make plans for tonight, I want to make sure that your homework is done first."

"I have most of it done," Heero sighed in exasperation.

"Yes, but you've had the time to do it," his father pointed out, "Duo has been working all weekend."

"Actually, because I work a lot of hours, I do most of my homework during my breaks. I have everything except for one of my math worksheets to do," I told him.

"And don't forget that we have that big history test on Tuesday," Heero reminded me.

"Yeah," it was my turn to sigh, not having needed the reminder of that source of anxiety, "I'm going to have to do most of my studying tomorrow or I'm just going to forget everything again."

"I'll help you with your math if you help me study for that stupid spelling test," he offered.

"Deal," I agreed.

"Alright then, I guess I won't have to nag you tonight," Mr. Yuy smirked at his son who threw him a grumpy glare, "Just don't stay up too late playing games or whatever you decide to do."

"Actually," I interjected, "I was wondering if, after we finished our work, of course, Heero wouldn't mind me teaching him how to skate tonight. Most of the ponds are frozen over and it's not too cold out yet. That is, if you want to," I asked him.

"Of course," he blurted out, blushing for some strange reason, "I'd love to."

"That sounds like a nice idea," Mrs. Yuy said, "I was just out by the pond this afternoon. It looks pretty solid."

"Which one?" I asked, trying to remember if I saw a pond near their street.

"We actually have one out back," Heero informed me, "It's right past the hill that's behind the house. It's part of our property, so we wouldn't have to ask for permission to use it."

I had to shake my head in amazement at that. I hadn't even been aware that you could own a pond.

"You two finish your homework," Mr. Yuy said as he started to collect our empty dishes, "We'll clean the dishes and I'll see if I can find the ice skates in storage."

That was right, I marveled at my own stupidity, I didn't have any skates with me, not that I needed my own just to teach Heero, but I would have liked to skate with him, instead of just instructing. Heero and I headed upstairs to get our homework done, camping in his bedroom. He let me take the desk as he helped me on my one, remaining math sheet. It was, thankfully, an assignment that I had a decent understanding of, so I didn't completely embarrass myself by cluing him in to what an idiot I was at the subject. There were a few equations that I had problems with, but Heero was surprisingly patient and actually pretty good at helping me understand what I was doing wrong.

When I was done with math, we tackled spelling. I hadn't even bothered to study for the spelling test, since that was never something I had any issues with, and Heero didn't seem to inept at it, either, but there were a few words that he was having trouble memorizing. We sat on his bed together and I threw out word definitions and had him spell them out loud to me, correcting him when he got a couple wrong.

I guess I'm weird, and probably the only person my age to think this, but it was really nice, doing our homework together. It didn't hurt that we were pretty close to each other on the edge of his bed. Even knowing that I was going to be going home that night, there was this cozy, warm feeling in my gut as we sat there together. We went on like that until he got all of them right for me three times.

"You know, you would make a really good teacher," he told me.

I snorted at that.

"I can't stand our classmates now, what makes you think I'll be able to tolerate teaching a bunch of stuck up, asshole teenagers when I'm an adult? Besides, just because I'm good at English doesn't mean that I'll be a good teacher. I'm as dumb as a box of rocks in everything else," I muttered.

"Don't do that," he snapped at me, not harshly, but with a great deal of frustration.

"Do what?" I asked in bewilderment.

"Talk down about yourself like that. I hate it. Just because you're not... you're not a valedictorian or something, it doesn't mean that you're stupid! You're not, no matter what anyone has made you think!"

"I have a consistent C average, and I only have that because I make sure to finish all of my homework and do all the extra credit assignments!" I argued, feeling angry and I didn't know why, "I've never been good at school, ever! So I can ace a spelling test or two, who cares? My history, science, and math grades are terrible and I've never gotten more than a 80 on any test in those subjects! If I'm not stupid, then what is it?!"

"You're dedicated," he shot right back at me, "and stubborn. Even if you think that you're dumb and you're only going to get a bad grade, you still do your homework and study. You care that you have a C average. If you have low grades, I'm sure it's because of things other than your intellect. I think you would be a good teacher because you're patient and you actually give a shit, despite what our teachers think about you."

I sighed, pretending like I thought he was being ridiculous, but his words burned in me. I didn't believe in them, but he did. He actually thought all those things about me and just knowing that almost had me in tears.

"Come on," I deflected, "If you want to go skating, we should do it now before it gets too late."

Heero looked exasperated for a moment, but didn't push the issue at least. I grabbed my jackets from my bedroom, putting them on as I followed Heero out. He pulled a winter jacket and mittens out of the closet by the front door of the house. He eyed the light jacket that I had on with distaste.

"Are you going to be warm enough?" he asked, "I have another jacket if you need it."

"No, I'm fine," I assured him, "I'm more used to the cold than you are."

He shrugged and we walked through the kitchen to the porch outside where two pairs of ice skates were waiting for us, as well as two, highly powered lanterns. The porch and patio were lit up by the string lights, but the sky was dark with clouds and I couldn't see the stars or the moon.

"These used to be my dad's when he was our age," Heero told me, handing me one of the pairs of skates, "Hopefully they fit."

"They'll do. I actually usually use my dad's old skates and they're huge on me, so I just wear lots of socks," I informed him.

We walked together across the field and up the hill, turning on one of the lanterns when it got too dark to see. It wasn't just a regular crank lantern, but one of those expensive ones that could light up a large room. The two of them would do nicely for lighting up the pond. The view at the top of the hill was beautiful, even with everything covered in a fine dusting of snow. On top of the hill sat a single tree, a massive magnolia that I imagined was gorgeous in the spring when it bloomed. It's shade almost covered the entire top of the hill. I fantasized the two of us going up there when it got warm again and having a picnic or something.

That would be my goal, I decided, the thing that I strived for. I would do everything that I could to make sure that our friendship survived the winter, long enough for that fantasy to come true. Such a tiny thing... I could do that much, couldn't I? The hill did indeed overlook a large pond and another field. As I looked around, I realized that we would have perfect privacy. I could see other homes from where we were, but unless they had a set of binoculars and were looking from a second story, we wouldn't be seen.

We walked down to the pond and Heero lit the second lantern, handing it to me to place on the opposite end from the one he was using. It lit up the whole area rather nicely, throwing long, moody shadows across the ice, but everything was visible. I approved of the way that the pond looked. I couldn't see any cracks or thin spots, not that that meant anything. I knew very well that ice can be deceptive. I had almost fallen through once, when I had been six years old. One Saturday in January, my father had taken me out skating.

He had tested the ice and it had seemed sturdy, but there are had been a soft pocket in one corner of Miller's Pond. He had told me to stay by the far end of the pond, but in my enjoyment for spending some time with my father, I had forgotten and migrated to the other end. If he hadn't been right at my heels, I would have gone right into the water. Instead, he had been fast, faster than I've ever seen him, and had seemed to grab me right out of the air as one of my skates had sunk into the weak ice.

The memory of him lifting me up and cradling me in his arms, demanding to know if I was alright, his heart racing in my ears as he pressed me to his chest, is one of those few, precious memories of him that I treasure. Or... I used to treasure. I suppose that I still do, but it hurts more now. I can't equate that man with the man that beats me and rapes me now. If I try, I feel like I'll go insane. It's easier to pretend that they're a different person, like he has multiple personalities. I just wish that there's some way to exorcise the one that hurts me and bring out the one that cared for me that day. Or maybe that part of him is dead. Maybe that part was just an illusion and it had never existed at all.

I sat down in the snowy grass and put on Mr. Yuy's skates. They actually fit pretty well. They were a bit too big for me, but better than my father's skates were.

"You know how to roller blade, right?" I asked Heero when we finished tying our skates.

"Yeah," he confirmed, "And I know the logistics of ice skating, but I've never done it before."

"Then this should be easy for you," I got to my feet, carefully balancing on the blade of the skate in the grass, "Skating is pretty simple when you get used to being on ice and finding your center of gravity."

I reached my hand down to help him get to his feet. He wobbled a bit, unused to balancing on skates, and nearly fell right there, but I grabbed at his jacket and helped him stay upright. He instinctively wrapped an arm around my waist so he wouldn't fall again and used my balance to find his own.

"This isn't so bad," he muttered.

I felt my face heat at the feeling of his body against my own, but I reminded myself that he was talking about balancing himself, not holding me.

"Can you take a few steps?" I asked.

He obliged, letting go of me hesitantly to try to find his own balance. He wobbled and almost fell again, but I kept a hand on his shoulder, ready to grab him before he fell if I needed to without offering him any support. Thankfully, the ground around the pond was pretty flat and he managed to find his balance pretty quickly.

"Ok, I'll test the ice before we go any further," I told him and started to move towards the ice.

"Wait, why do you have to do that?" he protested suddenly, his voice tight with stress, "I'm heavier than you are, I should be the one to try it."

"Not by that much," I argued. He was a mere inch taller than me, but I was thin, "Besides, I'm used to ice, I know what to look for and how it's supposed to feel. You've never skated before."

"I'm wearing warmer clothes than you are," he said stubbornly, "I would just feel more comfortable if I did it."

I bristled at that, easily reading into what he wasn't saying.

"You're also stronger than I am," I snapped, "and like you said, heavier. If I fall through, you can pull me up, easy, but if you fall through, I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull you up again! I'm not a fucking girl or some pathetic weakling that I need you to protect me!"

I knew, the second that those words had left my mouth, that I was being unfair and touchy. Heero couldn't possibly know that being coddled like that was a sore spot for me, but I couldn't stand him thinking and treating me that way. Not him.

"No," he said forcefully, "you're my friend and I just don't want to see you in danger."

I felt myself blush again and suddenly, the hurt that I had felt just vanished, making me feel like an idiot.

"You're my friend, too, you idiot," I muttered.

As I turned away from him, I caught his pleased expression. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, I felt this sense of amazement at our relationship. I was always thinking that I wasn't good enough for him, to be his friend, so it always blew my mind when I realized that he actually really liked being around me and cherished our friendship like that. I always felt better when he called me his friend or made some kind of gestured that reassured me that he wasn't just hanging out with me to alleviate boredom. It just didn't occur to me that he might be the same way, the he liked knowing that I held him in high esteem.

I didn't wait to hear any of his arguments and took one, tentative step onto the ice. It felt pretty solid under my skate, so I carefully let my entire weight settle on it.

"Stay there," I ordered Heero, and stepped out further onto the ice.

"Be careful," he yelled out at me and I could hear the worry in his tone. It really shouldn't have made me feel as good as it did.

I skated around the pond, a little bit awkwardly at first since it had been several months since I had skated, but my body quickly remembered how. I tested the ice in various places, but only found one patch of thinner ice on the opposite side of the pond from where Heero was. It still supported my weight, and probably wouldn't be an issue, but it gave a little when I skated over to it.

"Stay away from that corner," I told Heero as I skated back over to him, "It's a bit touchy."

"A...alright," Heero said in a distracted way, like he was only half listening to me.

I realized then that he was staring at me, his eyes a bit wide, but he wasn't shocked. I couldn't quite place his expression.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"You... you're pretty good at that," he gestured to my feet.

I felt embarrassed at his praise. Of course he was amazed, I thought, it was just something that he couldn't do, and while I wasn't exactly a professional skater, I knew my way around the ice enough not to fall on my ass if I didn't do anything wild.

"I've been skating since I was a kid," I told him, "every, single winter here. You'll get the hang of it, too," I reached my hand out to him as I lazily slid over to where he was standing by the bank, "Come on, try walking on the ice first before you try any skating, just so you can get a feel for it."

He took my hand and let me lead him out on the ice. At first, he was as graceful as a newborn deer, his legs wobbling and his feet unsteady. I think that he was mostly afraid of embarrassing himself by falling and not of the ice itself.

"Relax your legs," I chuckled, "If you stand like that, you're going to fall in an instant."

He shot me a grumpy look, but relaxed his legs, keeping a tight grip on me. We walked the ice together and it wasn't long before he became familiar with the feel of the ice, but I made sure to walk us around the safest edges of the pond before going any further.

"Ok, let's try gliding. Keep your hands on my arms and your feet flat," I warned him.

He swallowed nervously and placed his hands on my arms as we faced each other. I did all of the work, skating and gliding backwards so he could get an example of how to do it.

"Ready to try it on your own?" I asked.

"I wouldn't mind doing this for awhile," he said a bit cheekily, "but I think I can try it."

I rolled my eyes at him as he took his hands off me. For someone that had seemed so nervous of doing this at first, he jumped right into it, taking a few steps and gliding past me. He seemed alright at first, but lost his concentration and balance and fell on the ice.

"You ok?" I called out to him, my heart jumping in my chest as I watched him go down.

"Fine," he called back, "This isn't as easy as you make it look."

I stayed where I was, letting him get back onto his feet on his own and tried again. He fell a couple more times, but it wasn't all that long before he was skating from one end of the pond to the other. Little by little, he became bolder as he realized his limits and how to keep his balance. He didn't try any fancy moves, but just skated at a normal pace. I joined him when it looked like he was going to be able to keep upright and after just a few minutes, we were skating with each other. We passed each other and skated side by side, sometimes seeming to race one another.

Heero wore this small, handsome smile on his face each time he passed me. At one point, he even bravely grabbed one of my hands and used our momentum to change our positions, sending me shooting backwards and laughing at his antics. It was like we were dancing with each other. I loved every second of it and I would have done anything, sacrificed anything, to have never left that ice with him. I wanted to dance more, to move around him and feel the flow of that wind around me forever. But eventually, I slowed down my pace and skated closer to him.

"We should call it a night," I said mournfully, "It's getting cold."

"You're right," he agreed and it might have just been my imagination, but I thought that he sounded a bit sad.

We walked back into the house together, leaving the ice skates out on the porch and went into the kitchen. I closed the porch door behind me and turned, finding Heero staring at me again. I froze as he reached out and brushed my messy bangs away from my face after the wind outside had mussed them. It was such an intimate gesture and I felt my heart jump into my throat.

"Your face is red," he commented and broke the moment by poking my cheek with his finger, grinning, "and cold. You should have worn a scarf."

"Quit that," I playfully smacked his hand away from my face, "It's barely even winter yet, you're just soft from all that Florida sun."

He snorted and walked towards the refrigerator. I breathed in relief as he stepped out of my personal space, amazed that he hadn't realized how fast my heart had been going at his touch.

"Do you want some hot chocolate to warm you up?" he asked.

"Sure," I said, but then I noticed the time on the microwave with a wince. It was almost eleven, "Or maybe not. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you up this late, and we have school tomorrow."

"It's fine," he said and dug out a few packets of hot chocolate mix anyway, "I can put them in some thermoses and we can drink them on the walk. Staying up a bit late won't kill me. I'm not the one that's been working into the small hours of the morning."

I pointedly ignored that comment in embarrassment. I had no idea what time Heero had been going to bed the last couple of nights, but I guess it had become apparent to him when I had been coming back from work. That or his father had told him, but I didn't think that he would do that.

"I'll pack my things up," I told Heero and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep a small note of sadness from my tone.

I went upstairs feeling like I was going to a guillotine. I told myself that I was being ridiculous and pathetic. This wasn't my home. These people weren't my family. I should feel incredibly grateful that they had let me stay over a single day, let alone three, and I had my own house to go back to. None of it helped me feel any better. I shoved all my things into the duffle bag and slung it over my shoulder. When I got back into the kitchen, Heero was just finishing putting whipped cream in both of the hot chocolates. Kanuck was there, sitting by his master's feet and he wagged his tail at me when he saw me.

"All set?" Heero asked, putting lids on the thermoses.

"I guess so," I said softly.

Heero clipped Kanuck's leash to his collar and we left the house together quietly. The two of us didn't talk much as we walked to my side of town, the both of us savoring our hot chocolate. Walking with him in the stillness of that cold night softened the blow of my returning home. It took us more than a half an hour to get there, but to me, it seemed like only scant minutes before we were standing in front of my house. By then, my drink was all gone, but the heat that it had left me in my stomach wasn't.

It's funny, Heero had walked me to my house before, but that night felt different to me. I felt like... with each step that we took together, my love for him was growing. It was a scary thing. I had never thought that this stony, shriveled heart of mine could feel anything like this. I had never thought that any person could feel this much, let alone me. But as frightening as it was, and as much as I worried about my ability to survive those feelings, it was also beautiful. I knew how dangerous it was, but I didn't want to give it up. Love was horrifying, but it was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life. And it was the worst. It was unquantifiable in all the things that it made me feel, my inability to wrap my head around it.

What was more, being with him that night, I felt a strength that I had never felt before. I've always felt so weak, so inept at handling the things that life has thrown at me. I knew that the strength I was feeling wasn't my own. It was all his. Heero called himself a coward, but he had changed his life, something that I have never been able to do. I could feel it then, as we stood in front of my house, that solid presence, this person that, for all of his failings, for all of the hard choices he made, still had this surety that I would never have, this strength. But just by being near him, I was able to feel strong, too. With him, I felt like nothing could take me down again. Life could throw all it wanted at me, but I would move past it. For the first time in my life, I felt like that was possible. And for the first time since Quatre died, when I was with Heero, I felt human again. I felt like there was something in my life that mattered.

"Thank you for letting me stay over this weekend," I said to him, "I had a great time."

"Me, too," Heero smiled at me, "Thank you for teaching me how to skate. I would like to do that again... sometime."

I was about to tell him that I would really like the chance to skate with him again, too, when a movement in my parents' bedroom window caught my eye. I glanced over at it and saw the curtain move. I didn't see anything there in the dark, but I had the paranoid feeling that someone was watching me. At that hour, there was only one person that could be.

"I should go inside," I said lamely and tried to hand the thermos to Heero, "Here."

To my bewilderment, Heero, with an oddly melancholy look in his eye, placed his hand over mine and gently pushed it back.

"This weekend was fun," he said with that small, soft smile of his, "My parents liked having you around, too, even if we didn't get to see you as much as we would have liked. I just wanted to say that... if you wanted to, I would really like it if we could do this again. You could even come over next weekend if you like. Whenever you want to, really. You don't even have to ask, you can just show up or we could go to the movies or something," his voice was almost fumbling with his nervousness, but there was a strength there, too, a resolve.

I thought about what he was offering me, not that it required much thought at all. I was welcome back into his home, and just the thought that I might be able to spend another weekend with him and his family had me nearly jumping for joy.

"I would really like that," I smiled back at him, "I'll let you know if I can, alright?"

"Ok," his small smile grew into a full grin, "Then you can keep that thermos until next time, alright?"

"O-ok," I stammered and clutched the thermos, "Oh, um, and thank your parents for me?"

He nodded.

"Good night, Duo," he said softly, lightly touching me on the shoulder.

"Good night, Heero," I murmured back.

I quickly walked inside my house before that warm, almost endearing look of his could do me any damage. As I walked into the kitchen, I kept an eye out for my father, but I didn't see him and their bedroom door was tightly closed. My mother was asleep on the couch again, an new bruise on her neck and her bottle of pain pills clutched tightly in one hand. I threw a blanket over her before walking upstairs. After I fed my kitten and cleaned her litter box, I laid down on my mattress. It felt flat and lumpy, like I was sleeping on a plank of wood, but for once, I was asleep within minutes. That night, instead of monsters, I dreamt of ice and a warm hand covering mine in the dark.
End Part 4
Author's Note: Kind of another short part, but this seemed like the best place to end it.
　
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A Stagnation of Love (rewrite)