Quatre Winner\'s Diary

Febuary: The Truth Comes Out

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Friday, Feb. 20th
10:36am

I\'ve been staring at Cary and Deborah for the last half hour completely zoning work out. That\'s not a good thing.

Trowa and I moved the fish to my office on Tuesday. After he woke up on my couch. The day after our first real date. I think I\'m still floating on air from that. I didn\'t know a date could be that wonderful.

But I\'m digressing.

We moved the fish onto a couple of my filing cabinets. They seem to like their new home. Other than that I\'ve been busy. There\'s a lot of work to do if you\'re the boss. A couple times I even forgot lunch. Lucy had to forcibly drag me from my desk to eat. Well, Lucy, Trowa, and Duo. That\'s an unholy trio. Once, they got my dad into the mix. You forget to go to lunch three times in one day and people get worried.

I just don\'t understand.

I think my dad likes Trowa. Well, they get along at least. He didn\'t seem surprised that we became \"friends.\" That\'s just what we are at the office, good friends. It\'s easier than trying to come out to the whole world. There\'s a whole four people in the building that know, or that I\'ve told at least. I think Lucy\'s figuring it out.

But still, there\'s a reason that I\'m writing today. Really, and it\'s not just to talk about the usual. Dad\'s forcing my hand. He\'s trying to make me do something that I don\'t really want to do.

I came into the office this morning to find a note on my desk. Basically it read, \"Chose an assistant or I\'ll chose one for you\" except in a much nicer way. Now, I understand why he\'s doing this. Iria\'s due in a few weeks and he\'s gotta give the reigns completely over by then. I know this because I\'ve been getting threatening messages from the United Moms Front that I need to be ready by then. When all thirteen join forces, it\'s not a good thing. It\'s like getting an e-mail bomb, but each message is from a different user, although they say the exact same thing.

Where the problem comes in is, I know who Dad wants me to chose. I know who he\'s going to get idon\don\'t make a decision, and Duo\'s going to hate me for it. Mostly because he loves what he\'s doing right now. He really does. ink ink it\'s giving him fodder for his next book. Yeah, I know, Duo wrote a book about the role of religion in the postmodern world, and scholars loved it, partly because it was easy to read, partly because he does a good job supporting his claim, but mostly because he\'s Duo and people like him. I know that sounds strange, but even in a narrative you can pick up on his personality and sense of humor. Students love it. But yet again I\'m digressing.

He enjoys his current position. I thit\'st\'s mostly because it\'s a steady nine-to-five gig where he doesn\'t have to wear a suit. And I do believe that his working in upper echelons of the corporate world would kill that wonderfully playful spirit that I envy so much. Even if he did get a chance to work with me, so I\'m torn.

I don\'t want to spend that time trying to find someone, but the person that\'s been suggested for the job wouldn\'t like it very much. And what about my father\'s current assistant? Well shegoingoing with him when he leaves. She\'s more of a friend/personal secretary then an assistant. We even took to calling her Aunt Doris, she\'s that much a part of the family. Well, she\'s going with him.

I understand Dad\'s relationship with Doris, and how he views her job. She\'s a sounding board. A humanizing spirit in the mindless slew of paperwork. Someone that grounds him and keeps him sane. That\'s why something more than a working friendship is an important componant for his hiring criteria, but Duo…well there\'s no way in the nine pits of Hell I could imagine him sitting at a desk pushing papers. The monotony would kill him.

Unfortunately, Dad didn\'t give me a time line. I don’t know if I have until the end of the day, the week, or the month before I need to choose. Like I didn\'t already have enough on my plate, but now I have to add this to the mound of stressers.

I\'m still in the closet, for the most part. I hate keeping secrets from people, but with the world the way it is now…well would you want to tell people you\'re gay when the amount of sexually driven hate crimes is at an all time high? Which also means I have to hide the fact that I\'m with Trowa. That isn\'t fair to him. He deserves better then this, which is why I should have waited unt\'d \'d tied up all these loose ends before jumping into a relationship, although I wouldn\'t trade the experience for the world. And the fish…I love my fish, but now I have living things depending on me. It\'s so much more than before. So much. Add to that the usual stress of my new job and I feel like the world in collapsing in on me. No, that\'s not right. I feel like I\'m carrying everyone\'s emotional baggage on my too-weak shoulders, but I can\'t let anything fall. If I do, then I\'ll end up alone again, without anyone to tell me it\'s all right.

The worstt oft of this whole thing is, I can\'t tell anyone. No a single soul, and mostly because if I do, someone will become alienated by some part of it. Maybe itld jld just be better to jump out of the window and see if I could fly. Knowing my luck, I would.