Furry Madness

Part 4

“I’m hungry.”

“You already told me so thrice, Fullmetal. I heard you fine the first.”

“Then do something.”

“I’m looking.” There wasn’t much in the fridge that appealed to Roy right then. He wanted meat. Possibly fish. Like..tuna. Peeking in the freezer, he found not tuna, but salmon. It would have to do.

They were three to stare as the fish slowly unfroze in the microwave. Roy told the boys they didn’t have to stare like that, but he himself didn’t budge. After a while Alphonse argued it was better to make sure the fish was only unfreezing, and not cooking. They didn’t want warm food. It was their excuse for remaining straight like posing soldiers, only their eyes moving to follow their diner’s movement.

In the next room, Hawkeye was plucking at raisins, the closest thing she has been able to find to food that felt natural to the bird yet remained normal for a human. Fury had snatched cereal boxes and was sharing with Breda and Farman. The two hamsters had emerged from their room in the sole purpose of stuffing themselves before going back into hiding. Havoc was gnawing on an apple but kept stealing looks toward the mouse and hamsters, like planning to steal their meal. Hawkeye kept an eye on the raccoon, ready to dive down at him if he tried to make trouble. The bird lady was perched on furniture again. All her efforts to stay on the ground had been fruitless as it made her much too nervous.

“Havoc, please!” She said as the raccoon edged for the wastebasket for the third time in ten minutes. This time though, hearing resignation instead of a warning in her tone, he actually pushed it over and crouched over the crumpled papers to investigate them.

“Sorry First Lieutenant. You can’t get down and I can’t stop peeking around. It’s just paper anyway.” He was quiet for some time, and then a curious ‘eh?’ arose as he picked up a bit of a torn picture. He titled his head at it. “That looks like…I wonder…” Turning around, he started to open the drawers of the wooden desk, seeking something. He hummed victory when he found a small photo album. He snatched it and began to flip through it with a gleeful expression. “Oh, who would have thought…”

Hawkeye pulled her head out from under her right wing. “Second Lieutenant Havoc, put that back immediately!”

“Oh, but I think you’d like to see this, First Lieutenant.”

Fury had scurried over, unable to resist his new instinctive curiosity. He peeked over Havoc’s shoulder and gave an embarrassed squeal. “Havoc, put it back!”

Hawkeye hopped over to the desk and looked down to her turn while the pesky raccoon explained just why he didn’t want to let go of it. “No way. It screams black mail. We can get back at the Colonel with this!” By which he meant getting revenge for all the girls Mustang had stolen from him, sometimes by accident.

“What screams blackmail?” Mustang had just appeared in the doorway, still licking his lips to catch any remaining shred of salmon taste. How could he have spent thirty years of his life without knowing the glory of raw fish? He was definitely a sushi man now.

Fury gave another squeal and disappeared under the desk. Even Havoc felt the urge to run at the deep predatory purr. But he knew he had a great weapon to fight back with so he stood his ground. “Oh, just some interesting pictures, Colonel. I didn’t know you were into young boys. Edward’s poses are very…interesting.”

A new cat head appeared in the doorway. “What? Pictures of me?” Edward didn’t like Havoc’s expression. He dashed at the raccoon, claws out. The man wouldn’t back up so they tussled with claws and teeth until the soldier howled from metallic claws digging into his neck. Recovering the photo album, Edward gaped at it. “What the fuck is this?”

“You should know, you’re the one who sent them to me,” sardonically said Roy, prompt to attempt to turn the situation in his favor.

Edward stared. “I did not.” He would remember doing something like this!

Al slowly went up to have a look. He blushed a little but still examined the picture under his nose closely. “I think that’s Envy. Niisan doesn’t smile like that. Fishnet gloves aren’t his thing either.”

Edward was indignant. “Because maybe posing naked could be my thing?”

“So we’ve established the colonel has been lusting after an homunculus who was posing as Edward. Good stuff,” nodded Havoc. He was the only person who didn’t seem shocked in the least. Well, okay, the hamsters didn’t really look shock. They had enough trouble keeping their eyes open in the first place. They didn’t really care why the others were fussing.

Mustang protested with as much dignity as he could, his tail swinging in irritation behind him. “I don’t lust after him.”

“So what’s the excuse for the box of tissue in here?” hissed Ed after one quick look into the drawer.

“Tissues are primarily used when one has a cold, Fullmetal. Your personal usage of them is none of my concern.”

Edward forced himself to remain calm, even though he was not very good at such a thing. “Colonel, you’re never sick. And this box is almost empty. Hawkeye? When is the last time you saw the Colonel with a cold?”

Hawkeye shuffled her feathers, uncomfortable. She didn’t lie. “Years ago.”

“My point exactly. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll keep this.” The boy left in a hurry, tail low and feeling much mortified. It might not have been him on these pictures, but that was an exact reflection of his body (damnit, had Envy been spying on him or something?). And everybody had just been looking at them. Especially the Colonel. Oh goddamnit. The embarrassment! He’d kill him, He’d so kill that bastard. But, later.

Mustang cleared his throat. “Fury, you can come out of there. Breda, don’t sleep on the floor. Farman, don’t gnaw on the couch. Hawkeye…” He trailed off, eying the woman with large wings that was on his desk. “Don’t leave any marks on the surface, please.”

The woman snapped to attention to show that, although she was acting bird-like, she was still sane. “Colonel, sir.”

“And drop the titles,” sighed Roy. “They aren’t appropriate in this situation.” He rubbed his forehead and before he knew it, he was scratching himself behind the ears and had the urge to start grooming himself with his tongue. He fought it off, shaking his head. “I…I’ll call Hughes and see if there’s any progress on the solution…” The man paused, watching Alphonse march to him with resolve and defiance in his gaze, stance and ears. These ears really did say a lot. “Yes, Alphonse?”

“I’d like a word with you, Mustang, sir, please.” He caught Roy’s arm and dragged him away.

“Alphonse’s going to kill him,” mused Havoc. “Who gets to clean the mess?”

“Not me,” yawned Breda. “I didn’t do anything.” And despite Roy’s request, he fell asleep.

A soldier asleep on the floor was odd - and the fact that he was curled on himself made it doubly weird - but when Farman rolled up right beside Breda, it was too much for Hawkeye. She twitched and turned around, buried her head under her wing and dozed off; she didn’t want to think about this ridiculous situation anymore. Judging from the sounds coming from underneath the desk, Fury had snatched back one of the cereal boxes. Havoc just snorted at them all before trotting away to inform Ed that he might like to stop the Colonel and his brother before there was a murder or the house caught on fire or, most likely, both.