Abysmal

**FINALLY AN UPDATE! Because of everyday life its been a damn year since the last update. Better late than never, I just hope it hasnt been too long...

Abysmal--Part 4

I am caught off guard as his soft lips kiss mine. I know that I want him to do it--but then again I don’t know what I want. I know I want someone to love me, to hold me, but never did I once imagine that that person would not be Goku….and its all coming to me at once--the emotions--the desire…the guilt of my abysmal raison d’etre to cheat on the only person that I’ve ever seen my life comprise of in this way.

I unconsciously find myself kissing him back, despite my multiple feelings of this situation, and despite my moderate inexperience in this type of bustle between a man and a woman. I get nervous as his hands creep up the side of my thigh…inside of my dress. I find myself holding my breath and closing my eyes in anticipation of his next move as he pauses. I crack one eye open to see why he ceased his actions and to my surprise he’s smiling.

“You don’t seem to know it but,” he breathes amiably, “You’re beautiful,”

He runs his fingers through my hair as I stared at him in incredulity. No one has ever told me that or even cared enough to do so…the saccharine words that I’ve needed to hear for so long….even if I don’t concur with it. “…Yamcha?”

He chuckles and kisses me tenderly once more. I begin to feel emotions that are not proverbial to me, except unease as he slowly moves on to my neck causing me to shiver in bliss. He unbuttons my dress and slides it off my body. I step out of it as he takes a second to look at my anatomy, then pulls off his T-shirt. I feel my heart rate speed up as I stare at his chiseled body in serene awe. I’m sure Goku’s muscles are much more cut than his but it means nothing to me if I’ve never had a chance to appreciate them.

His strong arms wrap around my ribs to unfasten my bra and I inhale the scent of his cologne. A man who takes pride in his appearance is always laudable. Goku never wore cologne or even smelled nice for that matter. I moan softly as my breasts are freed from their restraints.

“Mom?”

/Whoa!/ The foreboding feeling of panic skulks rapidly through my body as I grab for my garments just as he grabs for his. “Where are you?”

“Uh…,” I stumble for something to say as I scamper around with my clothing. “In here!” Yamcha calls out just as I fix the last piece of my dress. I look at him as he stands there shirtless with his shirt within his grip. /Is he crazy?/

“Hey,” I watch as my eldest comes to a sudden stop as he hits the doorway to the room. “Yamcha! What a surprise! How’s it going?”

He smiles, “Its actually going pretty good Gohan,”

I watch Gohan as he stares at him with a blank expression, “Why’s your shirt off?”

He looks at me, “Uuh…,” I snatch his shirt out of his hand, “Accidents happen, sweetie,” I force a smile.

“Oh a spill?”

“Yeah! That’s right,” I’ve never been a good liar.

“Oh ok well I just wanted to check in, you know make sure everything was alright,”

“Ok. Where’s Goten?”
“Oh he‘s in bed. He was so tired when we came in he went right upstairs,” he chuckles while scratching the back of his head, “Well I have a little homework to do and then I’ll be going myself.”

“Ok, goodnight,”

“Night,” I exhale in respite as I watch him head to his room, my back to Yamcha the whole time. I look out the corners of my eyes. “I should probably be leaving now,” he says breaking the brief period of awkward silence. I turn around to face him.

“Yeah that’s sounds about right,” I hand him his shirt as he semi-smiles. “Yeah,”

He walks to the door while putting the shirt on and he opens the door; I am right behind him. Before exiting he turns to me. “Look um…about what just happen I don’t think it was a mistake that I was able to catch up with you…if you ever need someone to talk to or spend some time with, you know how to reach me,”

“O-k,” I barely get out as he caresses my cheek. I feel the cold grip of seclusion clench at my insides as I watch him walk away from me, leaving me back to face the walls of this house reminding me of the humdrum regulations of my life.

~*~*~*~

The mattress squeaks as he gets in between the covers, his cold legs sporadically rubbing against mine as he struggles to get comfortable. Staying awake to see as to what time he would decide to come home had been the original idea but I’ve grown restless. I softly sigh as I slowly sit up, positive that he has fallen asleep and careful not to move the mattress too much as I get on my feet. I grab my robe and a pair of slide-ons and sneak toward the door.

“ChiChi?”

Somewhat startled, I damn near trip over one of his boots that went unseen until now, /well so much for that./ “…Yes Goku?”

“Where are you going?”

“Why?”

“…..What do you mean?”

“Go to sleep Goku,”

“But-”

“I never ask you where you’re going nor do you bother to tell me,” I can feel his dark confound gawp as I close the door behind me, not allowing him to speak another word. The floor boards of this old house creak moderately under my footsteps as I make an attempt to a silent exit; devoid of disturbing my sleeping sons.

The mild bitter briskness of the early morning breeze is susceptible to my skin as it blows my disarraying strands over my shoulders. I tauten my robe around my waist as I head toward the wooded area. I watch the breeze cause the treetops to beckon for the sun to rise as I make my way to a special spot at the top of a nearby cliff that over looks the ocean, where I come when I need the extra boost to keep going, and to try to keep hope alive that the stagnant streams of life will in due course flow and set me free from melancholy.

Earlier it seems as though I was able to experience the succinct flicker of glee, which perhaps meant more than customary being as one who has on no account seen true merriment.

If anyone had of told me that I would find what I so immensely covet in Yamcha I would’ve laughed at them…I’ve never thought of the man twice.

Goku seems to be more and more distant these days, he’s certainly not the man he used to be. He never was the kind that I often dreamed of in my adolescent days but he tried and that seemed to be sufficient enough for all these years. Now I am aged with far more numbered days than he or our sons and far less rationale for existence. My love for anything becomes dubious as my mind and body slowly wither away day by day. I step closer to the edge of the cliff and look down into the eyes of the crashing waves…and down the path to one of my long awaited ways out--

But there’s Yamcha…shouldn’t I consider him as another way out also? Or the monogamous lifestyle in general? But then what about my family?

My contentment seems to be the pedestal of a certain alternative….and my worst fear maybe that I am more than willing to follow through as requisite…no matter how rigorous the consequences turn to be.