To Understand Love

Disclaimer: All characters and original concepts for Dragon Ball Z belong to Toriyama Akira. I’m just using the characters for a little bit of writing fun.

Thanks to Nana666 and Te-Chan for reviewing the last chapter.

Chapter 4

I have to admit that Gohan’s pep talk yesterday did me a lot of good, at least for the short term. Even though I had to get up to go and spend Saturday selling used cars for a guy that I can’t stand, the day went remarkably fast. Maybe it’s because I knew that I had what was left of Gohan’s birthday celebration to look forward to. Or maybe it was because I knew that Gohan would have some sort of plan sketched out for my future life. Whatever the case, before I knew it, I was locking up the dealership and in the air, flying as fast as I could for my parent’s home on the outskirts of civilization.

Lost in thought about what Gohan’s possible plans might entail, it takes considerably less time than I thought it would before Mount Pazou looms into sight, and with it, my parent’s and Gohan’s homes. The sun is already starting its descent, and for a second, it hides behind the mountain before peeking over its edge. Even though I’m about a mile off, I can sniff out the undisputable scent of roasting meat and charcoal. Evidently, I’m not too late to partake in the summer barbecue that my brother always has for his birthday.

Powering down, I land a few feet away from the house I grew up in and wander around to the back were there is no mistaking the voices of friends and family I’ve known for most of my entire life.

Slipping around the rounded corner of the capsule house, there is a sudden stilling of voices when the people present on the old patio stop talking and glance over towards me, taking stock of the intruder. Feeling self-conscious underneath everybody’s staring, my face heats up slightly and I find myself nervously scratching the back of my head, a trait that seems to be present in all males of the Son family.

“Uh…hey everybody! Wh…what’s up?”

As soon as the words are uttered out of my mouth, everybody starts talking at once.

“Goten, honey!”

“Goten, glad you could make it!”

“Goten, you have a lot of explaining to do! I can’t believe you wouldn’t…”

“Chi-Chi! Just leave him alone, ‘kay?”

Raising my hands above my head, everyone quiets down.

“Look, sorry if I worried people ‘cause I wasn’t answering my phone. I’ve just been…been busy with work and stuff. So in case you were wondering, I’m fine and things are great in my life. But this is supposed to be Gohan’s birthday barbecue, not interrogate Goten time. So just chillax.”

I can see immediately that my mother isn’t pleased, but when is she ever? Thankfully, my dad puts a hand on her arm, which keeps her from running forward to either attack me with questions or with the fork she’s holding tightly in her hands. I wince to think exactly what she might do with the fork if she’s provoked enough. The last thing I want is to be poked full of holes. Anyway, besides my mother, everybody else starts talking to one another as I awkwardly make my way over to the picnic table.

Looking around, I am sort of surprised by how many people are still hanging around. But then again, it’s like the annual get together of my dad’s old friends come to celebrate my brother’s birthday. And when all of the old Z-fighters meet up with one another, they spend their time telling ancient, rehashed tales of their adventures like old people, letting their stories spin into the evening hours. Of course, theyare getting old. Thankfully, the only ones left still conversing are my mom, my dad, Gohan, Videl, Piccolo, Bulma, Bra, and Vegeta, who’s standing a good five feet from everyone else leaning against the patio door.

Pulling aside an empty chair, I sit down, edging myself away from everyone while I watch Gohan make me up a plate of food before bringing it over.

“How was work?”

Grunting, I take the plate from him and start eating, nodding my head in thanks. I don’t want to talk about ‘work.’ It’d just be a waste of my time to explain the monotony of my day to him, and anyone else listening in to the conversation.

“Well, when you’re done eating, why don’t you come over to my place for a bit before Mom reels you in for a beating and then an explanation over your lack of communication.”

Shaking my head in understanding and gratitude that he’s willing to skip out of his own party to help me avoid our mother and to give me some more of his usually helpful guidance, I stuff half a hamburger in my mouth and chew as he backs away over to Videl. After a few minutes of concentrated eating, my plate is clean. Standing up slowly, I catch Gohan’s eye and the two of us start to make our way towards his home which is right across from our parent’s place. We only make it about five feet when our mother catches on to what we are doing.

“Gohan and Goten! Just where exactly do the two of you think you’re going? Need I remind you Gohan, that this is your party? And you just got here Goten! We haven’t seen you or heard from you in weeks young man!”

Stopping in our tracks, we both wince at her caustic voice, turning around slightly to see her wielding a spatula from the grill as though she’s about to attack us. Everyone else at the picnic table has gone completely still, except for Vegeta, whose smirk over our misfortune of being caught is more than obvious. Opening my mouth to explain the situation, I’m stopped when Gohan puts a restraining hand on my shoulder and turns to face her, looking as though he’s prepared to go to battle.

“Mom, we’re just stopping over at my place for less than twenty minutes and we’ll be right back. So put the spatula over by the grill and enjoy your friends’ company. In all honesty, you won’t even miss the two of us.”

Now everybody is in on the conversation, their eyes peering curiously between both Gohan and my mother to see what sort of confrontation is going to occur. In my head, I have this idea that they’re all putting down wagers to see whether my mother or my brother will back down first.

Surprisingly, it’s my mother who relents.

“Fine. Twenty minutes. That is all. If you aren’t back, I’m going over and dragging you both here by your hair.”

With that said, she turns around and stomps over to my dad, smacking him in the back of the head with her spatula when she sees him exchanging a few zeni with Bulma. Apparently, my thought about the wager was dead on. I try to contain a laugh when he rubs his head and cowers under her very vicious looking glare. Not for the first time I wonder how the strongest man in the universe can be so controlled by a woman as physically weak as my mother. Shuddering, I realize that that is one of the reasons I still have no desire to be married, even when it feels as though my lack of companionship is part of what has been dragging my life down as of late. Shaking off my morose thoughts, I grin over at Gohan and move my head towards his home.

“Ready to go, brave warrior?”

“Shut up Goten.”

Not saying anything more to one another, we pad across the freshly cut grass and step inside Gohan’s more spacious home. Following him to his study, he motions for me to sit on the other side of his desk while he rummages around for something, bringing out his pad of paper and pen from yesterday and a stack of papers that he didn’t have the day before. Looking at the sheer size of it, my eyes literally pop out of my forehead.

“Holy fucking shit Gohan! What the hell is all that paper? You can’t expect me to read all of that, can you?”

No doubt my reaction amuses him because he chuckles slightly before adjusting his glasses and taking a seat across from me.

“You don’t have to read through all of it, if you don’t want to. I just went a little crazy this morning searching for options for you. So here’s the game plan.”

With that said, he pushes his pad of paper over to me. Glancing at his spidery handwriting, I give him a questioning look.

“And what exactly is this?”

“It’s a plan of action. The paper stack is just details you can read at your own leisure. But this…this is the important part. You want to go back to school to become a teacher, right?”

Well, I am still trying to digest the fact that for some reason, of all possible career options, that one popped out of my mouth last night. Truthfully, the idea has kept circulating through my mind, but the reality of quitting my job and going back to school is a pretty frightening idea, especially for one such as myself who struggled through all the education I’ve received up to this point.

“Look Gohan, no offense, but I don’t really know if this is such a good idea. Sure, it would be great to go back to school and make myself more marketable, but I don’t have money to pay for it and I’m…I’m not smart enough to be a teacher.”

I watch as my brother’s usually open and candid face slowly loses its smile of anticipation and turns into a rather menacing frown. Nervously, I rub my bare arms briefly, waiting for his response.

“That is enough Goten! What did I tell you about talking bad about yourself? You are smart enough to be what ever it is that you want to be, as long as you have the drive to succeed! And for the last and final time, you aren’t stupid! Sure, school wasn’t easy for you, but you worked hard and made it not only through secondary school, but through college as well! If you can do it once, you can certainly do it again. Now look at the plan, read it, and tell me what you think without uttering the words dumb or stupid.”

Slouching uncomfortably back in his office chair, I humbly take the note pad proffered to me and try to decipher his handwriting so I can have an honest idea and opinion about what it details. After a few minutes, I’m finished reading it, sliding it back across to Gohan. We sit in silence before he clears his throat, a strange look of nervousness poking out from his dark eyes as he fidgets with a pen.

“So…what do you think?”

“Graduate school Gohan? I’ve never…I haven’t ever thought about going beyond my bachelor’s degree. Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?”

I can tell he’s irritated because he lets out a sigh before putting his glasses down to rub the bridge of his nose.

“If it’s because you don’t think you can handle the rigorous nature of a post-baccalaureate degree, get that thought out of your head right now.”

Shrugging, I try to clarify the thoughts racing through my head. Quite honestly, I find it flattering that Gohan thinks so highly of my educational abilities, but on the other hand, I find his plan to be a little on the absurd side.

“No…It’s not ‘cause I think I can’t do it, but it was hard enough going to community college and working full-time. I’d have to quite, or work part time, and no offense to anybody, but the thought of having to move back in with mom and dad is just a little bit embarrassing.”

“No one says you have to move back in with mom and dad. There is such a thing as financial aid you know, and besides that, if you look at the program I found, you’ll see that it’s suited for adult learners just like you.”

Glancing down at the paper, I scan through his handwriting trying to find exactly what it is that he’s telling me.

“Night classes?”

Setting the paper down in my lap, I look up and settle my eyes on his face.

“Yeah, night classes. You only take one or two a semester and they meet at night, so you can work during the day. And if you do that, you’ll be done in about two years, which is less time than it took you to finish college the first time. And on top of that, this program is through West City University, so you wouldn’t have to move or fly long distances to get to class.”

He seems very satisfied with his information and I can tell that he’s put a lot of thought into it, but that doesn’t dissuade the swirling sensation of queasiness in my gut. Part of me really wants to try what he’s got planned, but the scared part of my sub-conscious is telling me that it’s too much of a risk and I’ll be exposing myself to ridicule from my family and my friends, especially Trunks. I mean, what would he think of his dear old friend putting himself through school to become a teacher, of all things? If he thought I was a sissy when I worked for the boys and girls club, he’ll definitely think I’m a sissy for wanting to teach bratty children. However, I also don’t want to disappoint Gohan, so I try to think of some way that will make the sting of rejection over his idea less apparent.

“Umm…sounds great….”

Before I can finish he interrupts me.

“But?”

Glancing upwards, I notice his hands as they fidget with his pen while he gives me a look that clearly says I’m not getting out of his idea so easily. Letting out a deep sigh, I lean back in my chair and finish the sentence I was going to start.

“But…wouldn’t it make more sense for me to just go back to regular college, if I really want to pursue being a teacher? I mean, I don’t even know for sure if that’s what I want.”

Of course, he’s got an answer ready that fields my thoughts back into his camp.

“So find a job that would let you work with kids and quit working for your masochistic boss. And while you’re working, apply for this program and see if you get admitted. If you do and you decide that teaching isn’t for you, we’ll figure something else out. It doesn’t hurt to try Goten, and sometimes, I get this feeling that you’re just plain afraid to take risks. Whatever happened to the little squirt who was eager to fight against Buu?”

Sitting up straighter, I growl at him and his thoughts about being afraid. But the honest truth is that he’s right. I am afraid, but that fear has nothing to do with possibly failing. Instead, it has everything to do with making the right choices so I don’t look like a fucking idiot in front of my best friend whose opinions, no matter how stupid or ridiculous they are, matter more than anyone else’s.

“That isn’t it at all!” I shout, feeling frustrated that he’s one hundred percent correct.

“Then why aren’t you seriously considering it Goten? Last night, you were ready for a change. I could sense that about you. And I still think you are, but for once, stop considering what people are going to think about you. Instead, think about your situation and how it could benefit by doing something that you truly want instead of doing what you think everyone expects of you. Shake up the world Goten! There are so many possibilities smacking you in the face, all you have to do is let go of some of your fear and grab hold before it’s too late. And that goes for everything in your life, not just your career.”

Why does he always have to be right? Why does he always seem to know the innermost workings of my heart, even when I don’t fully admit them to myself? I understand that Gohan really doesn’t understand everything there is about me, but when it comes to the main issues of being afraid and lacking in confidence, he is always correct. Letting out a deep breath of defeat, I slowly lean forward and take the stack of papers in front of me, placing them in my lap. Glancing through them, I notice that he’s got everything right there for me: the application, how much it would cost, possible job opportunities in the city, even different places to live should I decide my rent is too high.

“Fine Gohan. I’ll…I’ll apply, if that’s what you want.”

“Goten, for the last time: it isn’t what I want that’s important. It’s what you want. I’m only trying to help you see that there is more than one way to find fulfillment in your life besides making money at a job you despise. When you truly like doing something, it makes life that much simpler.”

Nodding my head in agreement, I slowly rub my hands together, noticing that our twenty-minute time limit is almost at an end.

“I’ll look through everything, but can I leave it here until I go back to my place? I just flew straight here after closing the dealership and I don’t have a place to put it. And I’d rather not let everyone know about stuff until I know one way or the other what I’m going to do.”

He smiles at me and leans over his desk, grabbing the stack of papers from my lap and putting them neatly on the edge closest to his desk chair. We both stand up at the same time and silently make our way out of his home and back over to what is left of his birthday celebration. Before we get to our parent’s patio, I stop him briefly.

Fishing in my pocket, I pull something out and hand it to him.

“What’s this for?”

Rolling my eyes at him, I give him a look that basically says, ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ I mean, how dense can he be, considering it’s his birthday? I guess it’s just another sign pointing to his age. Still, he continues to look at me like I’ve grown an extra head.

“Moron, it’s for your birthday! Jeez!”

“Oh…yeah, I guess I wasn’t expecting that. You didn’t have to, you know. I’m not really that big on presents.”

Whatever…only Gohan would not be interested in presents for his birthday. Slowly, he unwraps the small package and lifts the lid off the box. Peering inside, his face gives off a puzzled expression before he pushes his head up and gives me a questioning look.

“Capsules?”

“Yeah, capsules. But I’d keep them away from Videl, if I were you. You wouldn’t want her to get jealous.”

He suddenly gives me a look that says he understands exactly what I hid in the capsules. In fact, at the moment, he looks like he’s about to either faint or have a serious nosebleed. Laughing, I take a step away before I feel his hand grab hold of my arm.

“Goten! I can’t…if she finds out…”

Looking at him, I give him a smirk and yank myself away from his body.

“Then hide the evidence, idiot. Or burn them. I mean, you are a thirty-seven year old man. It isn’t like you’ve never read the stuff before or looked at it, and I’m sure you’ve had some hidden during your time married to Videl. I just wanted to get rid of them. They were taking up space under my bed. Most of them are from Trunks anyway, so it isn’t that great of a present. I ordered something, but it hasn’t come in, so this will have to do until the real one arrives.”

Chuckling under my breath, I move forward towards our family while Gohan sticks his contraband birthday present hastily inside his pants pocket. We’re almost back to the picnic table when my eyes pick up on two people who were absent when I arrived. Suddenly, my nervousness reasserts itself and I feel like I’m going to vomit. Pausing, I take in a deep breath and still my reaction, putting on my normal goofy face even though I feel the opposite.

“Hey everyone, we’re back!” I laugh out as we step onto the raised area the picnic table sits on. Everyone glances up briefly before going back to their conversations. Everybody with the exception of Trunks and Pan.

I can feel his clear blue eyes on my back as I slowly walk past him, heading for the buffet table to fill up another plate of food. Fiddling with the potato salad, I try to tell myself how foolish I’m acting when I feel somebody bump up against my hip. Turning my head to the side, I audibly swallow when I find myself staring at Trunks’ face as he leans against the table surveying the rest of our friends in conversation.

“How ‘ya been, Goten?”

It doesn’t go past my notice that he isn’t looking at me when he’s speaking. Instead, his gaze is focused away from me towards some distant point that only he knows. Not really knowing what to say, I slap a hot dog on my plate and start putting on the fixings before giving him a lame answer.

“Good.”

The silence between the two of us stretches on, only making the discomfort lodged in my gut all the more apparent. Blindly throwing some more food on my plate, I try to turn around and escape the oppressive atmosphere and move towards my family when he raises his arm and snags my empty hand, effectively stopping my exit.

“Goten…Goten, do you want to go for a walk and eat your food by the lake?”

Taken by surprise, I nod my head dumbly at him. Just as quickly as he grabbed my hand, he lets it go and pushes away from the buffet table, heading away from me and out across the grass. Swiping a soda, I take in a deep breath, berating myself for being such a chicken before following after him. After all, it is partially up to me to make the first move towards an apology, especially since he had tried calling me a couple of times after our fight and I had been too depressed to bother with answering the phone or checking my messages. Knowing all of that, however, is what is making my palms itch in nervous anticipation.

We’re almost to the edge of the lawn when my ever-vigilant mother realizes that the two of us are headed off somewhere. More specifically, she latches her eyes on me, frowning angrily as I try to make my escape.

“Goten! Don’t you dare try to sneak off again, young man! I haven’t even gotten the chance to…”

This time, instead of my brother coming to my rescue, it’s Trunks.

“Auntie Chi, Goten and I have some stuff we have to go over. I promise not to hog him the rest of the night. We’ll be back and you can ream at him all you want then.”

Ignoring her pointed glare, he keeps walking, while I follow stupidly behind him. Keeping my distance a few feet away, we walk silently through the lengthening shadows towards the spot we used to hang out when we were younger. It had first started out as our secret hiding place whenever we pulled pranks on my mother or just wanted to escape, and later, it turned into the place where we would share our dreams and our ambitions with each other. A place where we could talk about our innermost thoughts without worrying about anyone overhearing or judging us. However, it’s been at least three years since the two of us have made a journey to this place, and the significance of our situation isn’t lost on me. I don’t know what we are going to say to one another. I just pray that it’s enough to possibly start healing the rift that’s come between us as of late.

After a few minutes of silent walking, we find ourselves in our secret glade next to the lake. Trunks sits first, drawing his knees up underneath his chin as he looks over across the lake towards the setting sun. The last golden light of the day illuminates his face, striking me how…how beautiful Trunks is. Blushing unconsciously over that stupid thought, wondering where it even came from, I seat myself a few feet away and immediately start attacking my food, giving him sidelong glances every few seconds as I wait for one of us to be brave enough to make the first move.

“Goten, are you sure you’re good? It…it isn’t like you to go hole yourself up and…”

Swallowing a bite of my hot dog, part of me wants to lash out sarcastically at him. Like he really gives a damn, like he even knows how hurtful his comments were to me over the phone. However, instead of giving into my anger, I do what I always do in an uncomfortable situation: I back down and keep my negativity to myself.

“I’m fine Trunks.”

His shoulders tense up at that comment, and without warning, he attacks me. My plate of food flies into the air and lands face down in the grass as I wrestle against an enraged Trunks. We flail around on the packed dirt near the shore of the lake, chunks of soil flying into the air as we each try to get the upper hand. I try to kick out at him, but he’s obviously been training in the GR because it doesn’t seem to faze him. No matter how many times I try to free myself from his grip, he just yanks me back until we both find ourselves in the shallow water of the lack, water spraying around as we push and shove at each other. Slipping underneath him, I lamely try to push him off me, but instead, he grabs hold of my shirt and yanks me upwards so that my face is inches from his. My eyes widen when I see him pull back his arm and before I can react, he rams his fist into my jaw with a sickening crunch. My head whips back and I cry out in pain before I stop struggling underneath him. As I go limp, he lets go of my upper torso and I find myself lying in the shallow water feeling the waves as they lap against my face with Trunks straddling my hips.

“Stop fucking lying to me Goten. At least give me credit for being a somewhat intelligent person.”

Feeling my anger simmer below the surface of my skin, I sit up suddenly and shove him off my body into the water.

“Would you even listen to the truth? Would you? What the fuck do you care if I lie or not, huh? You’re so stuck in your own world, your own private hell, any truth I might choose to tell you would just go in one ear and out the other. So isn’t it better if I just pretend everything is fine? Because when it comes down to it, nothing is going to change!”

Having had enough of our conversation and feeling the fool for not apologizing, for not fixing the situation at hand, I stand up and shake the water out of my hair before I start to walk away. I don’t want to fight with him, but I have this idea that the longer I stay out here, that’s what will happen. Swallowing uncomfortably, I move off towards the grassy area at the edge of the shore, feeling ashamed for walking away yet again, only reaffirming to myself that I’m the worst sort of coward.

“Goten…don’t walk away.”

Clenching my fists tightly by my side, I try to ignore the pain in his voice. I try to tell myself that he’s just trying to manipulate my weakness, that it’s all a game to him because that’s much easier to deal with than the horrible feeling of rejection or ridicule should I give into his request and tell him the truth. However, why the hell did I come out here if not to try to fix this growing separation? And if I’m too afraid to take a risk, just like my brother has accused me of doing, how are we ever going to repair the damage between the two of us? Making my decision, I turn around and face him, surprised to see that he’s right in front of me. I’m even more surprised when he takes my hand and pulls me down to the ground next to him. Feeling uncomfortable over our closeness, I back away slightly and lean back on my hands, looking up at the sky as the first stars begin to appear.

“You really…hurt my feelings Trunks. And I partially blame myself for that because I left myself open and vulnerable.”

“Is it about leaving you for that girl? I swear Goten, I didn’t take off with her. I just had to use the restroom and when I came back, you were gone.”

I don’t know whether to believe him or not, but I give him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, I’m still smarting over being ditched for like the millionth time by him at a club, but that isn’t it and I don’t know if he can see it even though it’s right in front of his eyes. Pushing my damp hair out of my face, I shiver slightly as the water evaporates from my clothing and skin before responding.

“Look, I don’t care who you take off with. You’re an adult and you can do whatever it is you want.”

“Bullshit Goten. As I recall, we got into this argument because you were pissed I left you. So if you don’t care, then why did you get so angry with me?”

Suddenly, I feel completely uncomfortable. Pushing away my uneasiness I look into his eyes and try to get a feel for what it is that he’s thinking at the moment.

“It’s…I care about you Trunks. And I’m afraid that your attitude is going to wind you into trouble. And I resent the fact that you want to spend time with me, but it’s always on your terms doing things that you want to do that frankly, I don’t enjoy any longer. Why can’t you see what it is that you’re doing to yourself every time you get plastered and have sex with some questionable girl? I don’t understand it! You could have anybody that you wanted, yet you lower yourself to have these meaningless relationships and I wish you could…you could see that it doesn’t have to be that way. But who the hell am I to talk? Like you said, I’m a loner and I’m a loser.”

“I…I didn’t mean what I said Goten and I’m sorry. It’s just…forget it. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

I can tell that he means it, but the cynical side of my sub-conscious wonders how long his apology will last before he makes some caustic comment without even realizing how much damage they cause me. Still, accepting his apology and making my own are the first steps towards temporarily bandaging our partially broken relationship.

“Fine. And I’m sorry for not answering the phone and ignoring you.”

He nods his head slowly in acceptance before he moves next to me and lies down on his back. My curiosity gets the better of me and I ask him what he’s doing.

“Looking at the stars. I haven’t seen them in a while. It’s hard to look for them in the city and I can’t even remember the last time I was out here…out here with you. Do you miss it Goten?”

He’s looking at me, his eyes open and inviting, just like how it used to be before we started trying to affirm our status as contributing adults, as individuals separate from one another. It’s easy to forget that our whole problem seems to stem from this desire to prove our self worth and individuality away from one another. But all this need to prove ourselves is doing is making us each miserable in our own way. He’s right though: I do miss it. I miss being with him like this, being able to just be myself and enjoy his company, something I haven’t been able to do in a long while. Nodding my head, I lean forward and gaze at the rippling water of the lake.

“Lay down next to me Goten.”

Shifting my vision to him, I take in a deep breath before complying with his request. What could it hurt? We used to do this all the time when we were boys, so what makes it any different now? Well, perhaps the fact that we aren’t little kids. Still, it’s Trunks and…

Relaxing next to him, I let the sounds of the summer frogs and crickets lull me into a sense of serenity, that all is well in the world. It’s easy to forget the uneasiness, the regrets when surrounded by such ethereal beauty of a clear summer’s night. Taking in a deep breath, I angle my head slightly to the left so that I can peek at Trunks. His eyes are half lidded and there is a slight quirk at the corner of his mouth, telling me that he’s relaxed and enjoying the evening. He’s perfect…he’s beautiful…and he’s watching me.

“You look like you want to kiss me Goten.”

Do I really? How lame is that? I…don’t want to do that with him of all people. I mean, he’s another guy and my friend. My friend. But, Goten, how often have you thought about how he thinks of the way you look? Why do his opinions matter to you so much? And why, when you dream about the future, you always find yourself in a world that revolves around him? I ask these questions to myself at the same time that I’m convincing myself Trunks is just playing another one of his stupid games to make me look stupid and foolish, something he’s done to me as far back as I remember.

Moving my face away from him, I let out a huff of air and try to push away those thoughts that creep up on me when I least expect them and don’t want them. I’m not…I’m not that way. But can I continue denying, at least to myself, that I find my best friend attractive? It’s not like anyone else would have to know, nor is it something I should be ashamed of because he is a good looking man. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have girls falling all over him on a continuous basis. It’s just…how normal is it for a guy to find another guy attractive?

Closing my eyes briefly, I snap them open when I feel Trunks shift his position next to me. Suddenly, his face is looming over mine and his arms are on either side of my shoulders. I scream inside my head to move away or make some dumb ass joke up, but my body has different ideas. It doesn’t want to move. Taking in a shuddering breath, I lick my lips unconsciously as he lowers his face even closer to my own so that our noses are almost touching.

“Do you want to?” he asks in a slightly husky tone of voice.

“Do wh..what?” I ask back nervously

“Kiss.”

Yes.

“No.”

“Really? You sure aren’t acting like it. What would it hurt? It’s just me, Goten.”

This is wrong…he has to be playing me for an idiot and the last thing I need is for him to convince me to do something as retarded as kissing him just so he can laugh at me right before our lips touch, making me look like a fool. Gaining control of my senses, I push up on him until I’m sitting up and he’s lying on his side, looking at me with a question on his face and a mask of…vulnerability.

“Very funny Trunks. Like I could ever kiss you. Anyway, I’m sure kissing me wouldn’t come anywhere near to all the girls you’ve been with. I mean, I don’t have a lot of experience in that realm.”

I laugh uncomfortably, trying to shake away the gravity of the situation, but Trunks…looks embarrassed and hurt. Feeling shamed, I look away as I try to convince myself that he wouldn’t feel hurt over something like rejection over the fake situation at hand.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’d be all tongue and saliva. Well, it’s your loss.”

There it is again, that hurt sound in his voice and I feel like kicking myself for being callous. But honestly, who does he think he’s trying to kid? He’s something of a womanizer and although I’ve never heard him make derogatory comments about guys kissing other guys, he’s never come across to me as somebody who would be remotely interested in experimenting like that. And come to think of it, I’ve never thought of myself in that manner either. Yet…yet having his face that close to my own, I can’t pretend that I didn’t want him to kiss me, and that only makes me even more confused.

I don’t know how long I lay on the grass lost in my thoughts before the sound of Trunks clearing his throat catches my attention.

“Look, we better head back. Your mom’s probably having a shit fit.”

Nodding my head, I stand up and brush the dirt and grass of my pants before following Trunks out of the glen. Catching up to him, I decide to put the pseudo kissing incident out of my head and instead, focus on seeing if any progress was made tonight between the two of us.

“So…are we okay?”

He glances over at me and gives me a sad smile.

“Yeah…I missed you. Are you busy tomorrow?”

I shake my head no.

“Do you want to come over and watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

End of conversation. At least, I feel more confident that I haven’t lost my best friend like I thought I had three week ago. However, there is so much more that needs to be done before I feel like we understand one another. And, if I’m finally honest with myself, I have a lot of thinking to do in regards of my feelings towards my best friend.

There is no doubt in my mind that part of my anger towards him that night at the club was because of jealousy. However, was it jealousy over a perceived threat to our friendship because of his partying activities or was it jealousy because I wasn’t the one he was fondling? That is what I have to figure out, along with straightening out my messed up life.

***

Issues, issues, and more issues…what does it all mean? Will Goten be able to continue to ignore his attraction and deep feelings for Trunks? And will Trunks be able to put aside his partying lifestyle in order to save his floundering friendship with Goten? Find out in the next chapter. And please be kind and review!