What I series
Should Have ~ Relena
Well, I took a break from WoW and found my muses trying to eat me alive. And what better way than to come back with Relena angst this time, huh?
I know you love him. I watch you watching him. I see you secretly agonizing over the same things that I do. I see the loneliness and the distance that is put between you and other people eating you alive. I see you so near to cracking that it breaks my heart. I wish there was something I could say or do or…. Just anything.
I don’t know when I started to fall for you. Maybe it was between the wars, when we had that one year of peace. Maybe it was after that. You know, we’ve been to many conferences and meetings together. We think along the same lines about some things. I just wish that there was some way to make you see that pining after Trowa and taking your aggression out on the Trowa in your mind isn’t going to help you.
If anyone should know, it’s gotta be me. I chased after Heero for a year, and then spent two years after that having him constantly watching me from the shadows. It doesn’t help to be mad at him anymore for the ‘love’ that I thought I felt for him. He was my first crush, but I think I may actually love you. Real love. Not some fairy tale prince that’s come to sweep me away and make all the bad guys hide in fear, but some sensible, funny, kind, caring, slightly unbalanced guy that I respect and care for and would like to know better. Isn’t that really what love is about?
You know, Heero told me that he loved me once. I guess it’s been about a year since he told me. During the wars, I thought that there would be nothing better than to hear the words “I love you, Relena” fall from that man’s lips, but when they did, I grew sad. I was so sad and overcome that I started crying. Dorothy thought I was crying out of joy and relief. She just doesn’t understand what a burden it is to know that he loves me and that I can’t love him that same way, ever. I guess I had some much needed growing up to do and I did it. I’m just sorry that it hurt the one person who doesn’t need to be hurt again.
I’d like to be able to work up the nerve to tell you that if you ever needed someone to talk to that you could come to me. I’d like to. Parts of me worry that you’d start laughing and then tell me to go ahead and tell you another one. Not that I think you’re that insensitive, but it’s really hard to put myself out on a limb after so much has happened to me in the last four or so years.
You’re not the only one who’s jealous of Duo and Wufei’s newfound happiness with one another. It kills me to see them together, although they do make a lovely couple. I have to force myself to smile and nod when I speak to them. Not that it’s their fault. Far from it. It’s just really sucky that I can’t be one of them or at least have what they have. I think I deserve it, don’t I? Shouldn’t I have something that nice? Something that solid? Real? Beautiful? Stable?
God, I’m crying. Quatre, why can’t you just realize that I love you?
I’m such a stupid girl. I never asked for any of this. Just….
LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU VULTURES! CAN’T YOU EVEN LET ME CRY IN PEACE??? DIE!
What I should have is something I never will. I know that now. I’ll never have love, peace of mind, a private life. All the things that normal people take for granted will never be mine. How I hate them all….