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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1144 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters and I make no profit from this fanfic. Any resemblence to living or dead persons is coincidental.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
Poisoned Memories

Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows

Author�s Notes: I would like
to take the time to thank Djaro and wind danger 1981
for their kind reviews. I was actually shocked to get any reviews for this
project. No, this is not a �farewell� note. I really, really liked working on
this story and I�m definitely going to see it through until the end. I�ve
official decided that I�m going to work on The Road to Kindness Monday through
Thursday, and Poisoned Memories on the weekends. I really do feel like PM,
especially later chapters, are very important to understanding key moments in
TRTK. A couple of these moments have already happened in TRTK (the dream
sequence where Duo meets Shi for the very first time being one of them), but
there are scenes in the future of TRTK that will make a lot of sense, as well
as being darkly ironic and foreshadowy, if you read
Poisoned Memories. However, if you�re lazy, you can always just e-mail me and
ask.

Part 4

Shi sat on his bed when they
got home and diligently waited for his mother and father to come for him. He
was worried about what his parents would say to him, but mostly, he thought
that he would take whatever punishment they gave him in stride. He had done
something bad and he deserved it. He still couldn�t figure out why he had done it.

�� He remembered the rage he had felt vividly and that
terrified him, because the more he thought about it, the more he felt that anger. He hated the emotion,
it made him feel hateful and out of control, like there was something hot
inside of his gut, eating away at him. He hated everything when he was in those
moods and wanted to destroy everything. What
his grandfather had done to him had created a hole in his heart that only the
fury could fill, but once the anger was gone, the hold became empty again and
Shi found that that hollow spot had grown bigger.

�� What made all of this so bad was that Shi didn�t know how
to control it. Hitting that boy had been completely automatic. What if he did
it again? He didn�t want to be that sort of person. He wanted to blame his
grandfather for the bitterness and frustration that he felt, but these were his
feelings, so no one else could be to blame but himself. Just knowing he had
done something so� bad made him feel sick all over. He remembered how hard Cree
had grabbed him that day and the thought that, one day, he might become the man because of their blood
came to him again.

�� Was it possible that was had made his grandfather so cruel
was in him, too? And� and what if his� perversion was in him, too? What if that
was what his love for Vel meant, that he wanted to do�
that to him? Shi grabbed one of his
pillows and hugged it to his chest as tightly as he could, his body shaking
with the volume of his revulsion at his thoughts.

�� Shi was saved from the wave of nausea that hit him
violently when his parents finally came in for their talk. As Anjaleque came
into the room, she was momentarily taken aback by the darkness of the room.
Though the room was well lit enough because of the open window, all the lights
in the room were off. She was further disturbed by how her son looked. Even in
the dimness, Shi�s face was pale and his eyes were filled with such a dark
emotion that Anjaleque wanted to sweep him up in her arms, even though he was
too old for that. Then Shi saw her and that emotion seemed to disappear, making
her wonder if she had just imagined it. Jonathan
turned on the bedside lamp and sat down next to his son. Anjaleque wanted to
sit on his other side, but she realized that this would just make Shi feel like
they were trapping him.

�� Shi, you know that you need to tell your mother and I what happened,� Jonathan said softly, not wanting Shi to
think he was mad at him.

�� Shi refused to ease up on the pillow he was clutching, his knuckles white, which only worried his mother
more.

�� I know,� he murmured.

�� So what happened?� Jonathan prodded.

�� Eirie drew me a picture before school,� Shi said, �I
showed it to Vel at lunch today. I should have hid it or left it at home or
something, but it was a good picture
and I liked it. Then that boy took it from Vel. Vel and I tried to get it back,
but then he said that I liked Eirie so much, we were probably having sex,� Shi
said, talking so fast that he was almost rambling.

�� Anjaleque flinched at Shi�s explanation and shared a sour
look with her husband. When Vel had told them that no one really liked Shi, she
hadn�t imagined someone would say something like that to him. The both of them
suddenly understood Shi�s anger because they felt it, too. But that still
didn�t make it ok� she once again thought back to Vel�s observations that
something was wrong with Shi. Would he have punched that boy
if he hadn�t been� different in some way? She didn�t think so, but maybe
she was just biased.

�� And what he said made you feel angry enough that you hit
him,� Jonathan summarized.

�� This time, it was Shi who flinched.

�� I hadn�t meant to,� Shi said in a small voice, �I�m sorry
I did it. I never meant to hurt him. My stomach just felt so hot and� and I was
so angry, but I never wanted to punch
him! Is he ok?�

�� Anjaleque found a small ray of hope in Shi�s voice. Vel had
told them that he had been remorseful, but now she knew for sure, and any
pretense of punishing him vanished at the sound of her child near tears over
his guilt.

�� His nose is broken, but he�ll be fine once the swelling
goes down. But Shi, we taught you better than that,� Jonathan said, but his
tone made it clear that he wasn�t mad, �We don�t hit people, you know that and I know you know that. I also know that
there is something bothering you, something worse than some school yard bully.
Your mother and I need to know, not just because it�s affected you enough to
hit someone, but because it�s obvious to us that it�s hurting you. What is it?
You know we can make it better.�

�� Jonathan�s voice was soothing, using the tone he always had
that could make his sons confess to anything, but this time, Shi just buried
his face in his pillow and refused to say a word. His father was alarmed at how
Shi�s body tensed like a violin string instead of becoming comforted. It was
almost as though Shi was more scared of them finding out what the bad thing was
than the thing itself. Anjaleque opened her mouth to protest his silence, to
demand that Shi tell them what was wrong, but her words caught in her throat
when Jonathan put his arm around his son and pulled him close against his side.

�� Shi lifted his head from his pillow and the torment in his
eyes was so deep and disturbing, Anjaleque was breathless in the face of it. She
had never thought of her son being capable of ever looking like that, let alone
what terrible thing could have happened to him to put that look there. Was he
just being sensitive or� or was it really that bad?

�� I know that there are some things that you feel you can
never tell your parents. I�ve been there, too, sweetheart. There have been
things that I still haven�t told my
parents, but that isn�t a bad thing. It certainly isn�t something I�m going to
punish you for. But Shi, if you�re ever ready to talk, your mother and I are
here for you, always. You do know that, don�t you?� Jonathan�s voice was
soothing and Shi felt himself relaxing a little in the face of his father�s
constant kindness, and the relief that they weren�t going to force him to tell
them.

�� It was hard enough not to. Now that he was being pressured
to, he felt the desire to unload his heavy heart to his parents, but all of the
reasons he had had to begin with for not telling them were still there. He
nodded to his father.

�� I know,� he murmured.

�� He knew that he would always be able to tell them what was
eating at him, it was the part afterward that kept him
from actually saying anything. He felt the tightness in his chest ease even
more when his father brushed his long bangs back with long fingers that were a
lot like Shi�s and kissed his forehead.

�� So� you aren�t mad at me?� Shi asked.

�� No, honey, we�re not mad,� his mother said, sharing a look
with his father, as though she was looking for confirmation, �We�re� upset, but
we aren�t mad.�

�� Are you going to ground me?� Shi questioned, almost shyly.

�� His father sighed.

�� Is punishing you going to make you think twice about
punching someone more than you are already?� he asked.

�� Shi shook his head.

�� I know it was wrong. Vel said he would make sure I never
did it again, but even if he doesn�t, I don�t ever want to do it again!� Shi vowed.

�� Then we�ll let you off this once,� Jonathan said.

�� C-can Vel come over Saturday, when Granddad leaves?� Shi
asked, feeling like he was pushing his luck, but his mother smiled.

�� That�s fine,� she agreed.

�� Shi felt like this incredible weight had been lifted from
his heart when his parents left his room. Of course, there was still an
enormous weight there, but just knowing that no one was mad at him and he
wasn�t in trouble lifted his spirits. He fell back on top of his bed and closed
his eyes. Everything would be ok. He just couldn�t go back to school for two
days, but if he could just figure out how to control his anger, it would be
fine.

�� He was scared of himself, of what he had done. He knew that
if he opened his eyes, he would end up looking at his hands and remembering
what it had felt like to hit that boy, how wrong and how good it had felt. He
didn�t want to remember that. He didn�t want to know that he was capable of
that sort of hatred.

�� He just had to deal with his grandfather, with this
Saturday, he told himself. After that, Vel would sleep over and everything
would be fine. And yet, it was hard for him to really believe that. Vel would
make things better, yes, he believed that with every inch of his soul, but
eventually, he would leave, and Shi knew that the darkness in his head would
find him again.

�� For the first time in their entire friendship, Shi wondered
if he should be friends with Vel. What if his dirtiness rubbed off on his best
friend? What if he ended up hurting him, which was unthinkable, but too
terrible to risk? Shi squeezed his eyes closed tighter. No, he wouldn�t think
of that, of any of it. He couldn�t bear to let Vel go. He was a part of the
little bit of good in his life that his grandfather hadn�t completely tainted.
He let the thought go, but it remained in the back of his mind, poking and
scratching him.

*****

�� We�re terrible parents,� Anjaleque said in a low voice to
her husband once they were far enough from Shi�s room that he couldn�t hear
them talking.

�� Jonathan snorted.

�� Because we wouldn�t punish our son for something he is
already beating himself over?� he quipped.

�� Yes,� she sighed, �Ursula and my father would have
punished their children sternly for doing such at thing.�

�� Thankfully, we are not your sister or your father,� he
responded.

�� Anjaleque quirked an eyebrow at him.

�� Thankfully�?� she asked in
slight annoyance, though she was well aware of how he felt towards her family.

�� Your sister was a bully,� he reminded her, �When you were
eight, she pushed you off a tree and you broke three ribs. When you were a
baby, she locked you in the basement closet and it took your mother hours to
find you. And your father-,�

�� What about my father?� she prodded testily, �He�s changed.
He�s so good with our boys-,�

�� He was terrible with you,� Jonathan retorted, �He not only
put a responsibility on you that should have been his merely because of his
chauvinistic beliefs, he put both your life, and your brother�s life, in harm�s
way by not getting Odin the help he needed! He only sought you out because he
drove everyone else away, but you found enough kindness in your heart to
forgive him.�

�� That�s a good enough reason,� Anjaleque murmured, but she
didn�t sound convinced.

�� Is it?� Jonathan questioned, �You love him and you want
things to work out between the two of you, I get that, but I don�t like him and
I don�t trust him. A few nights babysitting isn�t going to endear him to me.�

�� Well, one of us has to have a decent relationship with our
fathers,� Anjaleque insisted, �And since your father refuses to talk to you��

�� Why? Were things so bad before your father showed up? I
thought we were doing fine by our children. And Eirie may like playing with
him, but Shi is so withdrawn when he visits, haven�t you noticed? I don�t blame
him. Eirie�s young, but to Shi, the man is still a stranger. I think his
curiosity is making it worse. You should tell him why Cree has taken nine years
to show up,� he pointed out.

�� No,� Anjaleque confessed, �Things weren�t so bad before,
but you know what my father has done for us, and it isn�t the night outs or the
babysitting. Things are so bad now� even with your job, money is tight. Eirie
needs toys to play with, good food, and all sort of things that children his
age need just to grow right! My father is willing to help us out, John. What�s
going to happen when they decrease both our pay next year and when they raise
taxes two months from now? And have you thought about Shi? How were we going to
afford new clothes for him when he goes through his first growth spurt? He�s
already growing out of his old ones because he�s so tall. I know he doesn�t
like my father very much, but he just has to get used to him. And my father is different than how he was. He�s
making things better for us and he loves his grandchildren.�

�� I know, Anna,� Jonathan sighed, �And I appreciate what
he�s done, but even if he has my gratitude, I don�t think he�ll ever have my
trust, not for a good, long time. Do you get what I�m saying? I don�t want to
be compared to him. Cree would punish Shi for what he did because he wouldn�t
care about the circumstances. The guy only sees the world in black and white.
Shi broke a rule, so he should be punished, and who cares why he did it in the
first place? Who cares that he was angry and now he�s scared
and feeling guilty?�

�� Anjaleque bit her lip at her husband�s assessment of her
father, but she knew it was true, which only made it more painful.

�� I can�t be that sort of father, love,� Jonathan explained,
�I won�t be the kind of man who chastises and hurts his children, knowing it
won�t even teach them anything. Isn�t
that what punishment is about, correcting a wrong, a bad behavior? Well, Shi
knows that what he did was wrong and he�s already promised that he�ll try to never
do it again. What would punishing him accomplish?�

�� I know you�re right,� Anjaleque said, �But that doesn�t
mean that I don�t still feel like I�m doing something wrong.�

�� Their tense conversation was swiftly interrupted as Eirie
came running down the hallway, his hands full of his colored pencil case and a
pad of drawing paper, and crashed into his daddy�s leg.

�� Whoa, there, Champ,� Jonathan
chuckled, keeping Eirie still with his leg, �What�s your rush?�

�� I need to ax Shi a question!� Eirie explained. ��

�� That�s �ask�, honey,� Anjaleque corrected, too amused by
Eirie�s excitement to scold him for running so fast.

�� Eirie often mixed up words that sounded alike and Anjaleque
had often worried that he wasn�t learning like he was supposed to, but Jonathan�s
aunt, who worked with children with learning disabilities, had assured them
that Eirie was actually quite smart. He learned things phonetically and usually
used what he learned correctly, but when he was excited, he thought too fast
and got things mixed up. When he grew older, she had explained, he would grow
out of it.

�� Well, alright, then,� Jonathan let Eirie go, who continued
to run into Shi�s room.

�� Anjaleque sighed.

�� Maybe we should give Shi some space�� she mused out loud.

�� It�s fine. It�ll be good for Shi to spend some time with
his brother. He seems to be more� relaxed when Eirie�s with him. It�s the same
when he�s with Vel,� Jonathan pointed out.

�� But why?� Anjaleque questioned,
�Why can�t he just be who he used to be?�

�� It�s easier for him to be around kids his age, but he�s
only friends with Vel and Eirie. He probably feels like adults can�t
understand, even us,� Jonathan mused.

�� Anjaleque looked over to Shi�s room with an expression of
deep worry. She didn�t like this at all. Shi talked to her about everything.
That fact had been abundantly clear when he had asked her about love. He had
asked with such intelligence and such innocence, but now� there was something
different about him, something in his eyes, almost like darkness� but no, it
was just in her mind, she was sure. It was just her anxiety over her son�s
sudden change of attitude, something that she hadn�t even truly noticed until
Vel had brought it up. Was she so incapable at being a mother that something
had changed her son, probably forever, and she never would have noticed on her
own?

�� Jonathan put a hand on her shoulder and she closed her eyes
in happiness. This was a part of what she loved about him. She didn�t have to
say a thing, but she knew that he understood how much she was suffering. They
walked down the hall to the kitchen, Anjaleque feeling comforted, but still
overrun with anxiety.

*****

�� Shi was still lying flat on his bed, his eyes closed, when
Eirie came running into his room. His legs were completely dangling off the bed
with his feet flat on the floor, making his back ache, but he didn�t care.
Truthfully, compared to the dark thoughts whirling around in his head, he could
barely feel the ache in his long back at all. At the sound of little feet
running at him, he quickly sat up, the dark thoughts submerging deep inside of himself as he devoted all his attention to his baby brother.

�� Shi, what color are clown fish?� Eirie nearly shouted at
him.

�� The tall blonde blinked at him in confusion at the odd
question.

�� Um� orange with white stripes, I think. Why?� he asked,
completely puzzled about why his little brother wanted to know about tropical
fish.

�� Of course, Eirie always asked a lot of questions and was
curious about the world in a way that was quite healthy for a child his age,
but the sudden odd question through Shi for a loop. Eirie�s eyes went wide at
Shi�s answer.

�� You know everything!�
Eirie exclaimed, climbing up on Shi�s bed to sit next to him.

�� Shi blushed at the compliment. His brother was the only one
who had ever told him that he was smart. He wasn�t, he knew that, so Eirie�s
praise hit him in the gut.

�� Not really,� he protested, �I just saw some in a pet store
once. Why do you want to know what color they are?�

�� Cause I want to draw them,� the little redhead explained,
�They were in daddy�s newspaper today, but it was in black and white.�

�� Oh,� Shi said dumbly.

�� He watched silently as Eirie grabbed some color pencils out
of the black and red butterfly tin their mother�s mother had sent him for his
third birthday, his tongue poking cutely out of the corner of his mouth as he
searched for just the right shade of orange.

�� Um� Eir�? I�m sorry, but I lost the picture you drew for me this
morning,� Shi apologized, truly guilty about the fact that he had never managed
to get the picture from the boy.

�� He should have made a go for it the second he had knocked
the boy down, but he had been so distraught over what he had done, he hadn�t
even thought about the picture.

�� Then I�ll make you another one!� the four year old said
with a bright smile that made Shi�s heart race with happiness.

�� He had been forgiven, for the second time today. He had no
idea how to feel about that. Should he be forgiven� for
anything? He didn�t feel like he should� for hitting that boy, for not
being strong enough to keep himself together after that deal with his
grandfather� for losing Eirie�s picture� yet Eirie had forgiven him. No, it was
more like Eirie had never been upset with him to begin with. Was there anything
he could do that would make his brother angry at him?

�� Shi�s heart skipped a few beats. Was he actually thinking
of making Eirie mad at him? What would the point of that be? He never wanted
that to happen. He loved Eirie and it was the little redhead�s unconditional
love for him that made him want to be better, it made him hate himself for
failing to be better, for failing to maintain Eirie�s view of him. But Eirie
didn�t see his failings, he just� kept on going, believing in him and giving
him things, so innocently� It made him glad, so very glad that he had made that
deal with his grandfather, because Eirie was still the Eirie he had held in his
arms as a helpless baby. Nothing in the world was worth losing himself over
like that was.

�� Shi suddenly felt an incredible depression, love, and
tiredness fill him all at once. Eirie continued to draw next to him, completely
fixed on the piece of paper. He curled up on his side. He was tired� so tired,
but every time he closed his eyes� every time he tried to sleep, he just felt
like he had been wide awake, ever since that day, weeks ago. He felt like he
was wearing down, like the more time passed him by, the more pieces of himself
started to break away. He was trying to hold on,
trying to find ways to not think about what had happened� all the ways he was
changing and how much he hated this new person he had become.

�� He awoke, bleary and heavy headed, to his brother shaking
him. His red eyes were half slit and there was a small headache building in his
skull, he had the feeling he had dreamed something terrible, but he couldn�t
remember what it was. Whatever it had been, it had been filled with sharp,
pointed wire and blood.

�� Shi, I�m done!� Eirie�s exuberant voice woke Shi up enough
that he could sit up without falling back to sleep.

�� He took the piece of paper from Eirie and felt his heart
stop again as he looked at what his little brother had drawn there. It wasn�t
clown fish, far from it, though Eirie had used some light oranges in the
drawing. Instead of the orange, black, and white striped fish, there was a huge
looking male lion with red eyes, lying down, his huge paws crossed, and a
peaceful look on his regal face. Even stranger, there was a little, red fox kit
curled up against the lion�s side, like a lion cub would be,
content and protected by the huge creature it was lying against, not at all
scared that the beast could eat it in one bite. Like all of Eirie�s drawings,
it was childish, with some proportions a bit off, but amazingly detailed and
beautiful, with vibrant colors that suited the two animals.

�� It�s us!� Eirie informed him.

�� The little red fox and the big, golden lion� the lion
protecting the tiny creature, even if it seemed ill suited for any sort of�
affection, with its size and teeth and claws� Shi�s heart filled with a painful
heat. He was broken� not suited for protection anymore, that fight today with
that boy had proven to him that he was suited to hurt than help, just like a
lion� And he was changing. He could barely sleep, food tasted like ash in his
mouth, he was constantly filled with tension, almost like impatience. He felt
no joy for the things he had used to love. But� but he still had the people he
loved, Eirie, Mom, Dad, Vel� as long as he had these people, he could be human.
He could be himself, as long as he loved them, and as long as they loved him.
That emotion was better, stronger, than his anger and bitterness and he would
embrace it for as long as he could. He hugged his little brother to him.

�� Thanks, Eir�,� he murmured
softly.

*****

�� Anjaleque couldn�t sleep. They had had a nice dinner
together and Shi had seemed better, more lively and less like a ghost, just
simply wandering through their world with secret thoughts. But it hadn�t made
her fears go away and they had carried over to her sleep, or lack of. She heard
her husband sigh next to her and felt a small pang of guilt for keep him up as
well.

�� What�s bothering you?� she heard him ask and there was no
irritation in his voice, just concern, and she felt him throw a strong arm
around her slender waist and he pressed his chest against her back.

�� Anjaleque smiled a little to herself at his comfort, but
the smile vanished as she rolled over to look into his deep green eyes.

�� I can�t stop thinking about Vel said about Shi, about how
he�s changed and what Shi did today�� she murmured.

�� We just have to be patient,� Jonathan advised, �Sooner or later, Shi will tell us what is going on. He�s a good kid,
when has there ever been a question in his head that he hasn�t, eventually, come to us about? He just
needs time.�

�� Anjaleque turned on her side to face him.

�� But what if we don�t have time?� she asked in a small
voice.

�� Jonathan gave her a puzzled look. Anjaleque swallowed
roughly.

�� What if� what if Shi is like my brother? What if he�s�
losing himself?� she choked out and the fear in her voice, the helplessness
made Jonathan hold her tighter and stroke her cheek with one hand.

�� Don�t say that,� he soothed, �What happened to your
brother will never happen to our
children.�

�� That�s what my parents thought,� she muttered, �But he
went mad anyway. It was bad enough when he was a kid. He was so distant from
everyone but me. But even with me� he acted like he loved me, but I eventually
realized that it was more like obsession. He clung to me, for reasons I
couldn�t understand. But it was like he was drowning, and the more he clung to
me, the more he was pulling me under, too. And now, Shi�s pulling away from us,
too. He�s so good with Eirie, but he�s still pulling away��

�� Jonathan shook his head, almost in denial.

�� No, Shi isn�t like that,� he protested, �And his
relationship with Eirie isn�t like the one you had with your own older brother.
Shi cares for Eirie, he would do anything for him. It
isn�t obsession, just love.�

�� But what if we�re wrong?� she argued, �What if he�s sick
and we�re too� stubborn to see it? Like my father� he couldn�t believe that his
only son was ill. He tried to deny it, so he never sought him help. What if we
do the same thing to Shi?�

�� No,� Jonathan thought angrily, �Cree didn�t deny Odin care
because he was hurting and in denial, he did it because of his own pride,
because he couldn�t dare let the world know that one of his precious family had a flaw. It was too
shameful, too ugly, he locked Odin away so no one would know, because he was
selfish, not because he loved Odin too much and was scared of him being sick.�

�� He didn�t say these thoughts out loud, didn�t dare upset
his wife that much, but he believed those thoughts more than Anjaleque�s
beliefs. Ok, so maybe it wasn�t exactly fair for him to think that way about
his father in law, but he would never be cozy with the man, no matter what he
did for them. He appreciated his presence, but he sure didn�t like him. He had
been there when the bastard had called Anjaleque to tell her that her brother
had killed himself. He had been there when she had screamed at him, only
hearing her side of the conversation. He had been there when she had slammed
the phone on the receiver and had started to sob. How could he ever forgive his
father in law for something like that?

�� We won�t do the same thing,� he insisted, �I already told you, we won�t ever be your father. If Shi needs help, I�ll
do whatever I have to do to give it to him. We won�t let him down. But Shi isn�t like that. He�s not sick, Anna,
you have to see that. He especially isn�t mentally ill, not like your brother.�

�� Anjaleque smiled bitterly.

�� You didn�t see Odin towards the end. He kept getting more
and more violent with everyone around him, he was just filled with this� dark
tension, like he carried a deep secret, but his mind wouldn�t let him actually
say it. So, instead, he delved into this� fantasy world of insanity. At least,
that�s what I saw and wanted to believe, that my brother wasn�t so much mad as
hiding from reality, but I guess it�s the same thing. He told me once that our
family was cursed� and I often wondered if he was trying to tell me something
else, something that he was too scared to say,� she
laughed with dark tone to it, �I guess I�ll never know. Maybe he was just crazy
and it had nothing to do with reality at all, it was just his time� his mind�s
time to leave us. Maybe I did love him, but he terrified me, too. On the day
you proposed to me, I went back home to tell my father about it. Odin was in
his room like he always was in those days. Dad insisted on him staying there,
he didn�t like him� wandering around the house. He didn�t even eat with us
anymore.

�� It was like Dad wanted him� quarantined, like he could
infect the rest of us, and Odin did as he was told. Even losing his sanity, he
listened to our father, just as he always did. That day, I thought he was the
same as always, unhinged, but� manageable. Dad was on the phone with one of his
business contacts and we all knew better than to interrupt him, so I decided to
check up on my brother, like I was supposed to. Even then, I was such a �good
little girl�,� she said mockingly, �Odin was a rambling mess, as usual, talking
about things that I couldn�t even try to make a sense of, and suddenly, all I
could think of was you,� silent tears tracked down her cheeks and Jonathan felt
pain spread inside of him for her, �All I could think of was how good you made
me feel and how much I wanted to be away from all that mess. I snapped at him,
told him that I couldn�t take care of him anymore, that
I was leaving him. It was so selfish of me. I never should have said that to
him. He was so fragile� too fragile. He was dangerous and violent, but he was
like a child and he relied on me, and I just� I took it all away from him.

�� He came at me with a knife,� her voice, previously filled
with an incredible sorrow, became haunted, �He said that he couldn�t let me go,
that we would be together, always. If I hadn�t been so close
to the door� I don�t know what would have happened. He didn�t follow me,
though, so maybe� maybe he never would have hurt me. But I was so terrified� he
had this look in his eye and I knew, for that second, what he was capable of. I
ran to my father, but he was only upset for interrupting him when he was on the
phone. He slapped me. When I told him about what Odin had tried to do, he just
said I was being melodramatic, that I was lying about all of it. That was when
I told him about us, about marrying you and having Shi. It just slipped out.
Maybe I wanted to hurt him for hurting me, or maybe I was just sick of the
lies, both his and my own, I don�t know.�

�� Jonathan felt like a gaping hole had replaced his heart. He
cupped his wife�s cheek with his hand, his fingers tracing over her skin,
wiping up her tears. He kissed her as sweetly and gently as he could, wishing
that he could take her pain away from her, but all he had were his kisses and
understanding.

�� You never told me all that,� he murmured.

�� Do you understand now? Shi, our Shi, never would have hit that child. The Odin I had known
growing up never would have attacked me with that knife� what if-,� Anjaleque
started to say in a panic.

�� Shi is not your brother,� Jonathan said in a solid tone,
�He never will be. He�s sorry, he�s in pain because of
his actions. He knows what he did was wrong. He isn�t crazy.�

�� And if he is?� Anjaleque asked.

�� Then we�ll help him. I won�t let our son become your
brother. And I certainly won�t become your father,� he vowed.

�� Anjaleque closed her eyes. She still felt so many doubts,
so much sorrow, but she believed in her husband. She believed in her new family
in a way that she had never believed in her old one.

*****

�� There was a cancer growing inside of him. He could feel it,
every time he saw his grandfather. There was something deep inside of him, in
his heart, spreading each and every one of those times, though it was more like
a black hole than a physical mass. Each time he saw him, he thought it would
get better, the pain would edge and he would get used to the sex with a man
that he hated, but it didn�t. It grew worse and worse each time. Sure, the
physical pain was almost nothing now, unless his grandfather wanted to make
things rough, but his body was getting used to it while his heart never did.
Somehow he knew that a hundred years could pass and he would never really get
used to it.

�� At some point, Shi had accepted Cree dragging him into his
room or the shed out back as something� ritualistic, the same way he considered
waking up for school in the morning or kissing Eirie goodnight. Those visits,
those nightmarish moments, happened every week and he knew that they were
inevitable. In a short two weekends, he had become� used to it, in a sick sort
of way. His third Saturday of hell passed quickly, in a comical sort of way.
Cree came, his parents left for dinner, and as soon as Eirie was situated in
front of the TV, the fire eyed man had locked them in Shi�s room. Their parents
had only been gone a few hours this time and Cree had quickly left as soon as
they had gone back. It was almost as though he couldn�t bear to be around them
for any more than he had to, though Shi didn�t think it had anything to do with
guilt and more with annoyance.

�� The only strange thing about it, the only part that he knew
with absolute certainty that he would never get used to, occurred to him when
the doorbell rang shortly after his grandfather had left. His parents were in
their bedroom, probably undressing from their fancy clothes. They had only been
home for ten minutes and he hadn�t come out to greet them yet. That happened a
lot, too, when his grandfather visited. Before him, Shi had always greeted his
parents with exuberance. True, before now, they had never left Eirie and him by
themselves, but when he had come home from school, he had always been so happy
to see them, he would end up hugging them both.

�� Recently, especially on Saturdays, Shi found himself as he
was now, curled up either on the bed or the floor, not wanting to talk to
anyone, his mind somehow buzzing and eerily quiet all at once. He still felt
happy when his parents came home, but that happiness was tainted with relief
and sadness. Eventually, a feeling of intense loneliness and alienation would
come over him and he would seek them out, but his love fore them felt desperate
and hungry and he couldn�t help but wonder if that kind of love was ok. It was
just one of many things in his life that had maliciously changed on him.

�� He was curled up on his bed,
staring blankly at the design on his quilt, though if anyone asked him, he
couldn�t tell them what the design was, or even what color it was, when he
heard the door bell ring. He was on his feet to answer it in mere seconds, and
though he told himself that it had absolutely nothing to do with desperation
and loneliness, he knew he was just lying to himself. He got the door before
his parents even left their rooms and was rewarded with a familiar, welcome
face.

�� Hi,� Vel said when Shi flung open the door.

�� The older blonde was well prepared for their sleepover, his
arms wrapped around a deflated air mattress and a well used duffle bag slung
over his shoulder. His usually well brushed hair, insisted by his mother, Shi
knew, was slightly mussed from running. The second he had seen Shi�s grandfather�s
car leave their driveway, he had gathered ups his things and left his house. He
hadn�t bothered to tell his mother that he was leaving, knowing she wouldn�t
come looking for him no matter what he did. He wondered if she would even
notice he was missing, but doubted it. Vel felt a pang of terrible bitterness,
but it vanished when Shi�s face broke out into a smile.

�� Suddenly filled with an intense love for his best friend,
which lit up the shadows in his heart, Shi hugged the other boy tightly, air
mattress and all. He heard Vel squeak in surprise, but he only found it
incredibly cute and thought that he didn�t ever want to let go of him. It
struck him at that moment, the way it did every time he saw Vel after his
grandfather�s visits. It was so hard having Vel and Cree exist in the same
space� the same life. It often made Shi feel like he had a split personality or
something. He knew he would never get used to the bitterness he felt towards
his grandfather for daring to so much as breathe the same air as Vel.

�� But it was more than that. He still felt exactly the same
for Vel as he always had. Everything he had loved had faded away into
nothingness� flatness� but his love for Vel was just as brilliant and intense
as ever. How could that be possible? He didn�t want to have sex ever again,
hadn�t he thought that a hundred times in the past three weeks, ever since he
had found out what sex really was?

�� Sex was dirty and painful, humiliating and full of sorrow
and regret. He could never have something like that� he could never do
something like that to Vel. His best friend deserved so much more. So, if he no
longer wanted sex, why did he love Vel� why did he want him so deeply? It
didn�t make any sense to him. Maybe he had loved Vel back when sex had been
something pleasant, a display of affection, but how could he now? Did wanting
something like that mean he was a pervert, knowing it hurt so much, but loving
someone anyway? He loved Vel, he knew that much. Maybe it was the only thing he
would ever know. If Vel and his family found out that he had had sex with his
grandfather, they would stop loving him, but he never would stop loving them,
he could put trust in that, even if he didn�t understand the motives behind
those feelings.

�� Hello, Vel,� his father�s voice, coming from behind him,
broke Shi out of his thoughts.

�� Hello, Mr. Matthews,� Vel said shyly once Shi had released
him.

�� Have you already eaten?� Anjaleque asked, standing beside
her husband.

�� Vel walked into the house and Shi closed the door behind him.
The older boy hesitated at the question. He didn�t want to lie to the two
adults that had always been so kind to him, but he also didn�t want to tell
them how he had worked hard on his homework, just so he could play with Shi for
as long as possible, and his mother had made dinner, but hadn�t told him. So,
by the time he had finished and had gone downstairs, Taka and his mother had
finished eating and there was noting left for him. No, he didn�t want to tell
Mr. and Mrs. Matthews about that. He didn�t want them pitying him.

�� No, I didn�t eat before I left,� he said with a shake of
his head, �But that�s ok.�

�� A sad look came across Anjaleque�s face and she shook her
head. If it had been one of her boys, she would have wanted them to eat before
they left, or promise her their friend�s parents were going to serve them
dinner. She wondered, not for the first time, if Vel�s mother was as cruel and
negligent as the boy, unintentionally, made her seem. If there was any truth
behind it, it broke Anjaleque�s heart, not that the woman was such a terrible
mother, but Vel�s unbending love for her, and his tolerance of her coldness.

�� It�s alright,� she soothed, �Shi and Eirie have already
eaten, but I won�t have you going hungry. Shi�s grandfather brought Chinese
food and I�m sure there�s still some left, even with Shi�s appetite.�

�� Shi knew that his mother was joking, but he still blushed.
It was true enough, lately, he was eating more than he
usually did. He still didn�t taste things like he used to, ever flavor dull and
faded, but it was getting better. It was like his taste buds were growing back,
though very slowly, he was starting to taste things again. He wondered if he
would ever enjoy eating again or if it would remain something that he did out
of necessity. There were days, entire days, not just meals, when he would eat
like a large, starved tiger and no matter how much he ate, he felt hungry, like
he couldn�t get food into his stomach fast enough. Today had been like that,
but he also had days when he felt so sick, his stomach a tight ball of tension
and anxiety, he could barely force himself to drink water.

�� His father had told him that his hyperactive eating was
just a sign that his body was getting ready to grow. Shi didn�t know how to
feel about that fact. He knew, logically, that a kid like him had a lot of
growing to do, but he was already so tall. Why did he have to get any bigger
and how much did he have left to grow? His Dad was pretty tall, but Shi didn�t
want to be too tall. He was already
the tallest kid in his entire grade by almost a foot. Sure, being tall had its
perks. He could reach things that were too high up for other kids, could score
in volleyball and basketball really easily, he was always treated by adults
like he was a lot older than he really was, and he was often mistaken for one
of the older graders.

�� But being tall wasn�t that great, either. He stood out in a
crowd, he was picked on sometimes, sitting at the tables in classes was
uncomfortable because he had to bend over constantly just to write anything,
his back was always hurting, and people were scared of him because of his
height (that or his eyes, he still hadn�t figured out which). He glanced over
at Vel, who was tall, too, but was also three years older than him, so it was more
acceptable. His best friend was blushing, too, but Shi could tell it was from
happiness, not embarrassment. Seeing Vel�s flushed face made Shi blush even
harder.

�� Really?� Vel asked excitedly.

�� He hadn�t expected that he would be fed until the morning and
he was pretty hungry already. He had thought it wasn�t so bad, skipping dinner,
as long as he had breakfast the next day. Shi�s mom made the best breakfast
foods, especially pancakes and waffles. His own mother
didn�t make them anything anymore. If Taka wanted pancakes, it fell on Vel to
make them. His mother said that maple syrup, which Taka absolutely had to have,
was too expensive, but if Taka begged for syrup at the
grocery store, she always bought it for him, so he had no idea what her reason
really was. Maybe it was because, if she made breakfast for his brother, she
would have to make it for him, too. But he didn�t want to think like that.

�� Of course,� Anjaleque said with a smile that made a
strange warmth fill Vel�s chest.

�� The two boys followed Shi�s mother into the kitchen where
she made Vel a plate and heated it up in the oven. Vel wasn�t used to such a
thing, having most of his dinners coming out of microwaves recently. The
Chinese food, though something that he had a least once a weekend anyway, was
the best thing he had tasted in weeks. He wondered if it had anything to do
with Shi�s mother there, making sure he had enough food and milk, or Shi
sitting next to him at the table, even though he wasn�t eating anything.

�� It was strange how such a simple thing could be so
comforting. He had never had a friend before, even before they had moved, but
he had never been lonely for companionship until he had met Shi. He wondered
what that meant, if what he was lonely for wasn�t really friendship, but Shi�s
friendship. He thought that, if he had the option of living with Shi instead of
his own family, he would take it in a heart beat, no matter what the price was,
but he instantly hated himself for wishing for that. No matter how much being
in his family hurt, no matter how cold he felt when he was around his brother
and mother, how could he want to abandon them? He was just a kid still, but
they needed him. Sometimes, his mother forgot to take care of herself and Taka
hadn�t made any friends at school, yet. They were his family, and he should
love them, no matter how much they ended up hurting him.

�� Besides, it wasn�t his mother�s fault that she had changed.
She was just lonely and regretting her decisions, and
his father was just angry at her, so he had lashed out at Vel. They hadn�t
meant to hurt him, anymore than Taka had meant to make Vel feel so alone. Vel
could understand his mother�s feelings, because when he was in that house, when
Shi wasn�t around, he felt alone, too. So how could he ever blame her when she
ignored him, forgot about him, or just outright hated him? But still� he loved
this place. To him, Shi brought a warmth and stability
to his life that he hadn�t felt since his father had left them. He loved Shi
for that, and he loved his family. It made his hesitate as he ate, as the
thought came that Shi�s family didn�t even matter, he was sure that he would
trade his mother and brother just for Shi in a second. That had to be wrong, to
prefer living with his friend than his family, but he did. Did that make him
bad?

�� He looked over at his best friend. He had his arms folded
on the table, his head resting on them, and was staring off into space. His
long, golden hair pooled on the table and Vel thought that, if Shi had been at
his house, his mother would be screaming at him to have better manners. They
never put their elbows on the table or slouched in Vel�s house, but Shi�s
mother wasn�t yelling, or even lightly scolding, and
Vel wondered what it would be like to get through an entire day without
someone, usually his mother, lecturing him about proper habits and righteous
behaviors. He didn�t think that Shi was being rude, he wasn�t even eating
anyway. Actually, the posture made him look� Vel didn�t think that �pretty� was
the right word. Shi certainly wasn�t ugly, but the younger boy would probably
be annoyed if he equated him with something so girly.

�� The thought almost made him laugh and he continued eating
to mask his smile. He really didn�t understand why he was Shi�s only friend. He
was easily the most� well, attractive was a good a word as any� person in
school, even better looking than the girls, Vel thought, and when he was older,
he probably be even more striking. Those red eyes that everyone else seemed to
hate and fear so much were intense and deep, like they could look into your
heart and see all your fears and secrets. His long hair made him look like a
young prince from some far away land, yet he also had a roguish appearance to
him, what his mother would call a �bad boy�. He was athletic and friendly, able
to make even the most closed off person laugh until they were in tears, Vel
knew that quality very well. He thought that Shi was the only person left in
the world that could make him laugh like that.

�� So, by all accounts, Shi should have been one of those boys
that was destined for popularity, yet everyone was
scared of him because of the same things that had drawn Vel to him. He couldn�t
understand it. It wasn�t just confusing, it was almost
painful at how unfair it was. Vel, with his shyness, had never expected to have
many friends at all. And even if he did, he had thought when he had first moved
to this town, how could he possibly explain his family to them? But Shi had
understood. His family was perfect, unflawed and filled with love without a
single dark spot, but Shi had accepted him so easily, it made him wonder if
there was any darkness in Shi�s heart. Sure, he had hit that boy, but he had
regretted it immediately. For all his quickness to anger, he was just as
quickly capable of forgiveness and affection.

�� Done?� Anjaleque asked, suddenly standing right next to
Vel.

�� Vel nodded, then blushed darkly as
she leaned over him to take his plate from him. Her fire colored braid slipped
over her shoulder and brushed his neck as she passed. For a moment, he felt
overwhelmed by the evidence of her beauty and wondered if that was where Shi
got his, even though his friend looked more like his father.

�� Shi, why don�t you take your game into your room?� his
mother suggested as she started to do the dishes, �Eirie should be asleep by
now, so don�t make too much noise.�

�� Ok,� Shi said with a happy nod.

�� Vel obediently followed him into the living room, where Shi
unhooked the game system from the TV and led him to his room. On the way there,
Shi peeked into his little brother�s room, making sure that Eirie was sleeping
soundly, and quietly closed the door. Shi�s obvious care for his little brother
made Vel smile and he remembered a time when he readily tucked Taka in as well.
Those days were over now, though. His mother always tucked his little brother
in recently and, as weird as he felt around Taka lately, he oddly felt like
something had been taken away from him.

�� In Shi�s room, the younger boy closed the door behind them
and plugged in the game system. He brought up the expandable screen and turned
on the familiar racing game he and Eirie often played. He put it on his desk so
he and Vel could sit on his bed while they played. Vel put his things on the
other side of the room and started to inflate the air mattress. It would only
take a couple of seconds, but Vel was the sort of person that always planned
ten steps ahead. He guessed that his friendship with Shi was a little strange.
They were just so different. Shi was rambunctious and spontaneous while Vel was
collected and organized. On the outside, one would think that such two people
would fight all the time and have an unstable friendship, but it was like they
balanced each other out. When Vel sat down on the bed, Shi felt an upsurge of
panic overcome him. He wanted to scream at him not to touch it, not to touch
the dark, dirty place, and he had to grip the controller in his hand and bite
down on his lower lip to keep from doing anything.

�� Vel sat and Shi held his breath, but nothing happened and
he quickly released it. He didn�t know what he had been expecting, it was just
a bed, not a chasm, and he felt silly for his irrational fears. He sat down
next to his best friend and they started to play. Shi blushed as their arms
touched because they were sitting so close to each other. He tried to
concentrate on the game, but it was hard with the boy sitting right next to
him. He wasn�t even sure what his heart was thinking, but it was racing. They
were the same height and it made Shi wonder if there would come a time when he
would be the taller one. He thought that that would be kind of weird
considering he was younger, but maybe it could happen.

�� The thing was, even though his mother and brother were
short, his father, aunt, and grandfather were really
tall. He wondered if he would be as tall as his grandfather one day. It was
possible, he told himself, after all, they were blood
relatives, so it was entirely possible that he had some of his grandfather�s
traits, but that possibility hurt just to think about. Cree was a monster in
height, build, and strength. He could feel it every time the raven haired man
fucked him. It wouldn�t be so bad, he thought, if his
grandfather wasn�t also a monster in thought and heart, too. He didn�t want to
be anything like him, in any sense at all. Even the color of his eyes scared
him now because it was a link to his grandfather, to the past that he was
maddeningly curious about, terrified of, and no one would speak to him of.

�� Shi glanced over at Vel. It wasn�t the first time he had
thought that maybe, just maybe, he had more in common with his grandfather than
just eye color. His grandfather was usually calm to the point of cold professionalism, as though he were used to being in complete
control of his world, and everyone else�s as well. But he was also very capable
of anger. Shi saw it in his eyes whenever anyone dared to disobey him. It was
like he was actually shocked, like the possibility of disobedience was
impossible to him. He easily remembered when he had tried to fight back the day
they had met, how his grandfather had grabbed him and how he had wondered
afterwards, had he kept struggling, would Cree have broken his shoulder.

�� That incident the previous day came to his mind easily as
he felt the phantom pain in his shoulder. He remembered the incredible rage he
had felt at that older boy, how it had filled his cold heart with painful,
searing heat. He remembered how that powerful emotion had, for a few minutes,
turned him completely insane. He remembered the blood on the boy�s face and the
twisted fear and happiness in his own chest he had felt when he realized he had
hurt him, that he had caused another person pain.

�� Shi looked away from Vel quickly, loosing control of his
car and almost crashing. Was he really so much like his grandfather? He
couldn�t deny that he had felt real rage and hatred to the point of physical
violence, but did that really mean that his grandfather was his destiny? What
if he tried really, really hard to be like his father, who, in Shi�s mind, was
as far away from Cree as you could get? But his father, who was so patient,
understanding, kind, and gentle, would never ever use violence as any sort of means, even in anger. No matter
how badly he and Eirie misbehaved, he never yelled, never hit. He could be
hard, but he was never cruel and he never punished them unfairly. How could he
ever hope to become his father when he had already crossed that line separating
the man he loved the most, and the boogieman?

�� And would it stop with the anger, with the violence and the
dark thoughts, or was he destined to become the monster that hurt him again and
again? Did his love for Vel mean he would become� become a rapist, too? Had
what Cree done to him even count as rape? He kept calling it that, but in
reality, if Vel or his parents found out about it, would they see it that way?
Shi�s fingers tightened on the game controller and the sounds of the game faded
into buzzing, mindless noise. He had never wanted to have sex with Cree. In his
heart, in his most secret fantasies, he had thought and seen himself losing
that magical thing called �virginity�, a thing he hadn�t even understood at the
time, with Vel. Just Vel, no one else, not even the most beautiful girl he
could dream up. And Cree had stolen that from him. But you couldn�t steal something
if it�s just given to you, right? But he had wanted to give it to his best
friend�

�� He had consented. His grandfather had asked him if he would
do it. He had been given a choice. He hadn�t been forced, like those girls on
the news. He could have said no and walked away. He would have hated himself
forever� but really, could he have
sold out his baby brother? How could he possibly know? Just the thought made
him feel sick and dirty, but so had the sex. He hadn�t been able to give up
Eirie back then because he loved him and betrayal was beyond him.

�� But now� now he knew what rape was, how it felt� how it
changed everything and he wouldn�t wish it on anyone, even someone he hated.
How could he do that to Eirie? But still� Cree had
given him the choice, had given him the power and responsibility of choice.

�� And he had said yes. He had said yes. If
you said yes, it couldn�t rape� right? Right?
Was he a whore, then? Or a slut, or whatever they were called? Every Saturday,
he let that man have sex with him and said it was to protect Eirie, but still�
he had the choice. Then, after all this time blaming his grandfather� was he the bad guy after all? Did he� like
it, returning to it over and over without so much as considering saying no,
just once? But, it hurt� it hurt so bad� He was so confused. Was he a good
person or a bad one? Was Cree evil or was Shi the evil one, the dirty one? He
felt like he was going insane� And Vel� to him, would
he�

�� Shi?� Vel�s worried voice broke
through Shi�s dark thoughts, but didn�t destroy them.

�� Shi blinked at him and realized that he had dropped his
controller and hot tears were pouring down his cheeks.

�� Shi�� Vel�s voice immediately changed from worry to
outright alarm.

�� He had never seen Shi cry, in the entire two years they had
been friends. He didn�t know what to think, what to do, all he knew was that his
best friend, his only friend, the only person who had ever tried to understand
him, was in pain. He didn�t even know why, but his own heart hurt just to see
that stricken expression. He didn�t know how to fix it, to make him stop
crying, he just didn�t know what he was supposed to do.

�� What�s wrong?� he demanded.

�� Shi shook his head, still silently crying. No matter how hard
he tried, no matter how embarrassing it was that Vel could see him crying, he
just couldn�t stop.

�� Don�t,� he pleaded, �It�s nothing.�

�� Vel narrowed his bi-colored eyes at his friend, annoyed
that Shi was lying to him. He knew that something was wrong, he had known it
for weeks, but he couldn�t make Shi tell him. But even if he didn�t know, that
didn�t mean he couldn�t help, that he couldn�t be a friend.

�� Shi�s eyes widened in shock as Vel suddenly pulled him into
a tight hug. He hesitated for a second. His heart was beating wildly, like some
sort of crazed, trapped animal. Vel was holding him. He could feel his warmth
and his comfort, his solid form holding him, offering whatever he needed to
make the pain stop. He finally brought his own arms around the other boy, his
fingers digging into the shirt that clothed his back. He hadn�t cried since
that night. Why now? He had to ask himself that. Why was he crying now, in
front of the one person he never wanted to show such a weakness to?

�� But then again, if he could show weakness to anyone at all,
it would be Vel. He trusted him, with everything, even with his heart and his
secrets, with his vulnerability. He trusted him like no one else, even his
parents. That realization made him cry harder and he buried his face in Vel�s
shoulder. In that instance, he wanted to tell Vel his secret more than he ever
had before. It was on the tip of his tongue, burning to be released. His fear
made him bite down on it, his fear of rejection, though right now, it seemed so
small and silly. He just� he loved him so
much. In the face of Vel leaving him, what his grandfather had done to him
seemed so uselessly small. His heart felt like it was overflowing with the
volume of his feelings for his best friend. Maybe that was why he was crying,
not because he wanted to tell Vel the truth, but because he was terrified of
ever hurting him, and consumed with sorrow that he had nothing left to give, no
way to show him just how much he loved him.

�� Would there come a time when he would hurt Vel like Cree
had hurt him? Would he be consumed by the desires in his heart and end up
taking from Vel what he should give freely? But there was more than one desire
inside him. He wanted Vel, he wanted to know what that
terrible thing would feel like with him, if it would be different. He wanted to
know if he could make Vel feel good, even if it caused him only pain. But, more
than that, he wanted to protect Vel. That desire was stronger than any other,
so was it even plausible that one day, he would become� Cree, and hurt the one
he loved? How could he possibly know? Should he distance himself from his
friend, from this warmth and love, just because of a possibility? But that
possibility was so terrible, so evil, how could he risk his safety? If he could
just know, could find some way to test himself�

�� Shi unwrapped himself from Vel and looked into his
contrasting eyes. There was a way. There was something he could do, something
so very different from what his grandfather liked to do to him, but still, a
test. No, it was more than just a test. Much more than that.
He could kiss him. Just one kiss, then maybe he would know. If he could do it,
and not want� that from Vel, then
maybe he would know if he could control his urges. If he still wanted to
protect Vel, more than he wanted to have something� intimate with him after
that, then he would be safe� right? And it wasn�t just that� he wanted to do it. Maybe he always had,
from the moment his mother had told him that a boy could like another boy. He
wanted to know what it felt like. It was the one thing his grandfather never
did. He had kissed his stomach and his forehead, even both his shoulders, but
never his lips. And he wanted to know, if it would be good, it if was like on
TV and it was special and beautiful. He needed something beautiful.

�� His parents did it all the time. Eirie was too young to see
it as anything but mushy, but lately, Shi had started to wonder if they did it
because it felt good, or just because, since they were married, they were supposed
to. He wanted to know if it was as good as everyone said. Of course, people
said that sex was nice, too, but it wasn�t. Not really. But maybe kissing would
be different. He wanted to know if Vel�s lips were as soft as they looked. And
wouldn�t it be wonderful if Vel liked it, too? It would be the best thing on
Earth if Vel didn�t mind, didn�t hate him afterwards. And if he did, he could
just say he was curious, and that was the truth. Kissing you could take back,
not that he ever wanted to. No, if they kissed, he would hold that memory close
to his heart forever and ever, for as long as he could remember it. But
screwing� especially with his grandfather, he was pretty sure if you told
someone that, you couldn�t take it back no matter what you said. He needed to
know� even if the truth was ugly, for a moment, he was sure he could experience
something wonderful and beautiful, for the first time since that night�

�� Shi?� Vel asked in confusion when
the younger blonde put his hands on his shoulders and leaned in a little.

�� Shi paused for a moment, but didn�t let go of Vel�s
shoulders. He could think that he wanted to kiss him, but in reality, he had no
idea what he was doing. He had never really cared for romance scenes on TV, and
like Eirie, he looked away when two people kissed, because it was just gross. But
he wasn�t that little kid anymore. You just had to press your lips to another�s
person, right? Somehow, it seemed like there was more to it than that. His
heart thumped unpleasantly as he finally closed the distance between Vel and
himself.

�� Vel�s eyes slipped close as Shi invaded his personal space,
though it was gentle and slow, not abrasive. He didn�t have time to act at all,
but even if he had, when Shi�s lips brushed against his, his mind went blank and
all he could think of was how it felt. At first, he felt completely thrown off
his feet. His mind was yelling at him that Shi was three years younger than him
and Vel himself was probably too young for this kind of thing, but the kiss
wasn�t one of a nine year old. Shi didn�t mash his lips against his, like a
little kid trying to mimic something he didn�t understand. The kiss was gentle
and intimate, the kiss of someone who held no doubts in their heart, but also a
lot of curiosity and nervousness.

�� His common sense was screaming at him to shove Shi away,
the boy had no idea what he was doing, what the kiss meant, he was just
curious, as any little kid would be, but that voice was small and pitiful
compared to what his heart was telling him. This was Shi, it said. Shi was mature beyond his years, and even if he
weren�t, it didn�t feel wrong. If he didn�t like it, didn�t want it, shouldn�t
it feel wrong? Instead, his chest felt like it was on fire, but it wasn�t
burning, just warm and pleasant, though intense. His heart told him to hold Shi
close, to show him all he knew about kissing, which wasn�t much, but was
probably more than Shi knew.

�� Instead, he stayed still, terrified that if he moved, Shi
would lose his courage. The other boy�s hand was still on his shoulder, but it
wasn�t tight or hurtful. Then there was the kiss itself. It was a bit more than
a brush of the lips, but it wasn�t harsh or wet, just gentle and affectionate.
Shi�s lips were soft and Vel could feel his friend�s heat on his cheeks and neck.
Shi�s silken hair brushed his ears and the side of his neck, like a caress.
Vel�s heart was thundering at all of this and he felt like it was in his legs
and his stomach, not just his chest, and he felt like he was going to explode
with something that he had no name for. Without even realizing it, he touched
Shi�s hand on his shoulder with his own, their fingers linking together. Even
though he didn�t realize he was doing it, he did feel the melting of his heart
with that simple touch.

�� He was in love with Shi. Vel�s eyes shot open at that
shocking realization, but they quickly slid closed again as the warmth of that
love overwhelmed him. He loved Shi. He couldn�t deny that, there was no point
in denying it. Not now, with the younger boy kissing him in a way that was
definitely not friendship, and his
heart pounding, loving his touch more than anything he had ever experienced
before. He liked it. In that moment when Shi�s lips had met his, all thoughts
of loneliness and longing had fled him and he could only focus on his best
friend. Already, he wanted more. Had this always been there? He couldn�t deny
that Shi had always made him feel good inside and their relationship had been
very intimate and special. Had he always loved him?

�� Vel wasn�t moving away, Shi thought in relief, but he
hadn�t done it right. He should have asked him if it was ok, instead of just�
leaping on him like that. But he had been so nervous and if he had asked, what
would he have done if Vel had said no? Maybe he would still be angry, even if
he wasn�t moving away? He ended the kiss with that thought, of Vel being angry,
and tried to move away, an apology already on his tongue. He wouldn�t apologize
for the kiss, because it had been the best thing ever, better than video games
or apple pie or anything else he could think of, but he would apologize for not
asking for Vel�s permission. Because he never wanted to be
the sort of person who took like that. But he had loved it, more than he
had thought he would. It didn�t hurt at all. It was no wonder his parents
kissed all the time if it felt like that. If only sex felt that good�

�� Vel felt Shi start to move away and panicked for a second.
He grabbed Shi�s other wrist, keeping him still, and deepened the kiss as much
as he dared to. Neither really knew what they were doing, and it was a little
clumsy, but neither of them cared. Pure joy and love burst in Shi�s chest at
Vel�s returning kiss. In that moment, the dark in his heart was overwhelmed by
the light and fresh tears poured down his cheeks in relief at the momentary
freedom. The most amazing part, he thought, was that, even when they finally
parted, that light lingered, even as it mixed with the shadows. And it was
beautiful.

�� Why did you kiss me?� Vel whispered,
his voice rough with emotion.

�� Why did you kiss me back?� Shi countered.

�� Vel looked at him and felt his breath leave him completely.
Shi�s eyes were sharp and incredibly intense, filled only with one emotion;
love. That singularity, in comparison to Vel�s swirling feelings of doubt and
fear and affection, was powerful. Looking into those ruby eyes, he felt like he
was drowning in Shi�s love for him, and he was happy to do it.

�� I love you,� the words slipped out of Vel.

�� For a moment, he had the urge to take it back, realizing
that everything would change if he didn�t, but when Shi hugged him tightly in
unfettered joy, he discovered he never would. He never could. He remembered the
last few weeks, the darkness in Shi�s eyes, the pain
in his heart� and now he remembered that incredible joy in Shi�s eyes and knew
he wouldn�t take that from him. If he did� he was sure he would go to hell. And
he would gladly go there, because there was nothing wrong with this� if there
was� heaven couldn�t be worth it. He just wanted to see Shi smile. He would
protect that smile� no matter what.

End Part 4

I don�t know when Part 5 will
be coming out at this point. The more people who review, the
more likely it will come out faster. No, that isn�t a threat, I�m the
kind of author who holds my work hostage for reviews, it�s
just a fact. A significantly greater amount of people have reviewed and
expressed interest in The Road to Kindness, while very, very few have said that
they like Poisoned Memories. Reviews are really the only way I can tell if
people like it or not, so based solely on reviews,
common sense says I should spend more time on TRTK.
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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows