A Cost Too High

Chapter Four:

Edward felt stupid for having said anything about marriage. It was so utterly stupid! But his chest ached in a jealously he couldn’t stifle and marriage was the only word he could think of to express himself.

Feeling childish, he allowed himself to be helped up from the floor and led out of the room. Another bed? Hadn’t he heard the General mention something about another bed being brought in? For some reason, the fact that General Mustang would allow for Ed to stay in his room, to rest there with him… was it pity or did the General really care about him, really want to ease his pain and did the man have any concept of how impossible a task that would be?

A short while later Edward was taken to the bathing area and even though several nurses assured Hawkeye that they’d tend to him, the First Lieutenant sent them on their way and explained that she’d rather oversee Edward herself. She led him into the room and turned her back to him. “Undress and get into the bath.”

“A-aren’t you gonna leave the room?” Ed asked, wondering why he even cared.

“No. I won’t peek, Edward. But I’m not going to leave you by yourself.” She said sternly but with concern in her voice.

“Oh… okay.” He replied and shakily unbuttoned the shirt and removed it. To the best of Edward’s knowledge, the only person to really see him naked aside from any medical personnel and those Ishbalans had been his brother. Not even Winry and, God knows, she walked in on him changing enough times that she ought to have seen at least a butt cheek. But no, Ed was always faster than her wandering eyes, and on the few occasions that he wasn’t fast enough, Al stepped in and shielded him.

It was kind of the First Lieutenant to offer him privacy and he even understood her reasons for not leaving the room and while he was mildly insulted that she and everyone felt he needed to be watched, part of him was growing darker and darker and he realized that their fears were indeed justified.

After slipping completely out of the borrowed uniform, he stepped over the lip of the tub and descended into the bath salt laden water. It was nice and murky and hid him from view.

“K.” He whispered and watched the First Lieutenant turn to face him.

In her eyes he could see the image of a child reflected. He must look so utterly pathetic. As she approached her brow knitted into an expression of sympathy and worry. Without speaking she pulled a chair to the end of the tub and then sat down and rolled up her sleeves.

“Lean back.” She instructed and did not wait for Edward to obey; rather she grabbed a sponge and began to wet his hair thoroughly. It was a motherly thing to do and once she’d wet his blond locks, she reached for the shampoo and began to massage it into his scalp.

Ed sniffled and as she continued to wash and scrub his long hair, he was overcome with the simple sweetness of the gesture and he drew his hands to his eyes and pressed his palms to them, trying to keep himself from sobbing. His right hand throbbed and the wet bandage threatened to come off, but he ignored it as he hiccupped and choked on little whimpers and sobs.

Hawkeye was amazing, just silently scrubbing away until at last she must have deemed his dirty locks to be presentable, at which time she used the sponge to draw water through the sudsy strands. Meticulously she rinsed the hair and when she finished Edward was sobbing enough that he had to splash water into his face over and over again to wash the tears and ick away.

“It d-doesn’t feel real.” He whispered. “None of it… I just want to wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream.”

“Edward,” she said softly and then her hands worked to part his hair. She set half over one shoulder and half over the other. “Edward,” she spoke again, but this time softer and secretive, “how did this happen?” Her fingers traced the spot between his shoulder blades, the place that now bore the blood seal, and Ed shivered and cringed.

“I don’t know.” He replied honestly. “B-but, please don’t tell him about it.” He turned his head and looked at her pleadingly.

“Alright, I won’t say anything.” She gave a soft nod and then took up the sponge once more, using it to gently wash his back.

***


The doctor was gone. He’d come in and examined the young alchemist, bandaged his wounded hand properly and given him medication for the pain and something to help him relax. Normally he wouldn’t have taken the latter meds, but with Hawkeye, Havoc, and Armstrong all crammed into the medium sized hospital room and standing guard over Edward and the General, it would be impossible to relax without a little something to help.

Gradually he felt sleepy and rolled so that his back was to them. He wore a soft t-shirt and a pair of loose fitting sleeping pants and his hair was pulled back in a braid, compliments of Hawkeye. The First Lieutenant had done her best to give him a sense of normalcy and he was very appreciative, but he knew that there was nothing she could really do to quell the aching in his chest. For that, sleep was the only cure and it was a temporary and imperfect one at that.

Roy woke twice during the night, the pain killers having worn off and new ones had been administered. In his lucid moments, before the medication worked its magic and gave him relief, he spoke with Riza and Havoc. Armstrong was outside, guarding the door to the room. Havoc and Riza were taking shifts to watch over him and Edward.

Riza expressed the same fear Roy felt deep within, the fear of Edward taking his own life and thus negating everything Alphonse had assumedly given up. That was the consensus between all of them, that whatever event took place, where ever it had been, something terrible had happened and gone wrong and if it hadn’t been Alphonse, they all knew it would have been Edward. Of course they all wanted to know, it seared within them all like a 2nd degree burn. The pain of knowing one of the bright, kind-hearted boys was forever gone and not knowing how it had happened, and the relief that it could be much worse, that Edward could be gone from them as well.

But it was morning now and Roy wanted nothing more than to tear the bandages from his face. Aside from the pain was the insatiable itching that he couldn’t get to and when he tried Hawkeye pulled his hands away, saying he might damage himself. When he mentioned that he didn’t think that was possible she’d fallen uneasily silent.

The door opened and Roy perked up, waiting for Riza to tell him who it was. He was hoping for a nurse with a syringe filled with medication, a drink, anything to dull the stabbing aches and this horrendous itching. He’d never itched so much in his life and thought even the worst case of lice couldn’t itch this bad.

“It’s the doctor.” Riza said quietly.

“Good morning, General, I’m glad to see that you are awake.” The doctor said quietly and his footfalls paused, “How is the boy? Did he sleep through the night?”

“As far as we know,” Riza replied.

“I’ll have my nurse check in on him in a bit and see if he can stomach a little something. If you can, you should try to get him to eat.” The doctor said as if they needed to be told how to take care of the elder Elric brother. “As for you, General, I’ve come to remove those bandages and see how the healing process is coming along.”

After the curtains were drawn and a nurse had come to assist, Roy waited on edge as the doctor began removing the gauze from around his head. It was almost too much, the man was taking too much time, and Roy realized that with his mind focused upon his own situation… He didn’t know what to think or how to feel. Part of him was reluctant to see, afraid that he looked like a monster not too far off from that which he’d destroyed. The other part of him wanted to get this over with, have a look, figure out a way to make the best of it and get on with things. And yet he knew he was never going to be the same, none of them were and it scared the hell out of him.

Finally the last bandage fell from his face and he had to resist the urge to touch himself, to feel what all the fuss was about. He hissed and bit back a groan as the doctor poked gently and prodded.

“Well,” the man sighed, “Looks pretty good considering. I will prescribe some antibiotics and have a nurse instruct Lt. Hawkeye on how to take care of you. I’ll need you to come back in in a few days to see if all the stitches are ready to come out.”

Roy nodded, taking it all in as calmly as he could, “Can I open my right eye?”

“Yeah, I suspect it will be a little blurry at first and I want you to make sure you rest it every now and again to help reduce the strain.” The doctor replied.

He didn’t wait but he was slow about it, letting his eye open with its own ease. The doctor was right, his sight was blurry. He blinked a couple of times and that helped a little. “I want to see.”

“General,” Riza breathed.

Roy smirked, “Come on, it can’t be that bad. I promise I won’t scream and tear out of the room.” She just looked away, ashamed and tired.

“You’d better prepare yourself.” The doctor warned and nodded to the nurse. Roy didn’t recognize her but then he didn’t spend a lot of time in the infirmary or military hospital or try to get to know all the nurses and she could be new. She was a pretty brunet though and as she pulled a women’s compact mirror from her pocket, she tried on a little smile.

“Thank you,” Roy said with one of his best smiles. She blushed a little so he couldn’t be too hideous, right?

When Roy had the mirror open and saw himself for the first time, all he could do was stare. Fading yet deep bruises colored the left side of his face. Where his eye had been was sunken in a little and stitches, wet with antibiotic ointments glistened in the faint light. It was… for a moment he thought he might be sick. Sick from the looks of it, sick from the shock, and sick from realization that had finally hit home… his eye was really gone. He really wouldn’t be able to… see from that side ever again. How was he to drive… How was he to measure distance let alone perform any alchemy that required…

Roy dressed his face in a smile, snapped the compact shut, and handed it to the nurse before turning to Riza. “See Hawkeye, not so bad. Besides, I hear women think eye patches are sexy.”

She started to speak then turned from him to the nurse, “If you could tell me now, how to-“

“Of course, and I will show you how to do everything.” The nurse replied.


It was a dream that woke him, a dream that was so vivid and terrifying that he simply had to wake up and yet, the second his eyes opened, it faded. There had been blood. That’s all he remembered and now he was sitting up in a hospital bed, breathing quickly, shallowly and feeling utterly alone and lost. He knew where he was and why… knew that he’d broken down into a sobbing mess in front of the blinded General and even recalled how his hair had come to be in its current braid, but none of that information settled him. He was lost, so very lost.

Pausing to take in the situation he saw a curtain drawn across the room, dissecting it. He heard people beyond the curtain, Riza’s voice, the doctor, and the General. He thought he heard another female as well and he assumed it was a nurse. They were doing something with the General, probably fussing over his eye.

Ed grimaced and looked down at his own mildly damaged hand. It bothered him that Roy had suffered so greatly and he wanted to know, wanted to hear the details, but he didn’t want to see it. Everything lately had become a testament to his own failure – his hand, his leg, the expression on Riza’s face, the oddly compassionate lilt in the General’s voice – and he knew that Roy’s injuries and scars would only compound the fact that others had made sacrifices whereas all Edward had done was take.

Slipping quietly out of the bed, he almost gasped as his bare feet touched chilled tile. With a soft gulp he continued onward and found it much easier to sneak around with normal legs rather than a loud clanking auto-mail appendage. He made it out of the room easy enough, but when he entered the hallway he blinked and realized that he was still under the watchful eyes of Mustang’s men. Havoc and Armstrong were talking among themselves, blocking the way toward the front of the hospital. A second before they noticed him, Ed turned and bolted down the corridor, heading toward the roof. It wasn’t that he was trying to escape them, or maybe he was. He just wanted to be alone for a moment, and yet, when he heard Havoc and Armstrong call out to him, their voices betraying their surprise at seeing him not only up and about but bolting, he was glad. They cared, or at least they were ordered to act like they did and though he never would have given such a thing much thought in the past, he felt weak and frightened and to have these men clambering after him made him feel like maybe he meant something.

Racing onward, he found that malnutrition and overall weakness from the brand new leg were working against him and by the time he’d scaled the stairs and slipped through the door which led to the same roof where Ed had once fixed Al’s shattered armor body, Havoc was almost upon him.

“Hey!” Havoc yelled, the unlit cigarette that had been dangling from his lips, finally falling from his mouth. “What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”

What the hell ‘was’ Ed doing? Edward moved toward the railing about the rooftop terrace. He wasn’t going to jump; at least he didn’t think he was. His hands gripped the railing and he frowned, his eyes trembling as he looked down at the city. What was he going to do now that Alphonse was gone?

“Ed! Hey!” Havoc yelled and as the man reached out as if to grab Edward’s shoulders the blond alchemist turned suddenly and faced him, a resolute expression on his face.

“I want a cigarette.” Ed spoke suddenly and in the moment of stunned silence that followed he chewed the inside of his lip but did not lower his gaze from Havoc’s shocked face.

“Uh…” Jean lowered a brow, “I don’t think the General would appreciate me spreading my bad habits to someone so-“

“I swear to God, Havoc, if you say ‘short’ I’ll throw you off the roof.” Ed growled dangerously.

“N-no... actually I was gonna say… uh…” he looked embarrassed, “someone so important to him.”

Edward quietly considered this for a moment and then sighed, “It’ll be our little secret. I just want to try one. You guys are worried about me doing something stupid and rash, right? Well, of all the things I could be doing right now, don’t you think smoking is the least of all evils?” It was pathetic of him to be standing there bartering over a damn cigarette but, it was true; he needed something to get his mind off of other rash things that were starting to look very appealing.

“Well, damn it, Kid.” Jean reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigs as well as a lighter, “Just make sure it stays ‘our little secret’ okay.” He handed one to Edward and then, as the younger man drew it to his lips, Jean lit the tip.

At first Ed didn’t understand what the big deal was as he held it there sizzling idly between his lips. But then Jean instructed him to suck in and then inhale. The coughing fit that ensued left Ed seriously wondering what the hell he was thinking. Several minutes later, after Havoc literally tutored him on the finer points of smoking, Edward was leaning against the rail, flicking the ashes of his cigarette like a pro.

“I’ve created a monster.” Havoc muttered in a gentle tease as he examined how comfortable Edward already was with such a destructive act.

“I’m a fast learner.” Edward commented and then took another long drag before exhaling leisurely, feeling a rush and enjoying the momentary, mind numbing high.

Roy had just gotten settled in after being taken care of and given another round of medication when Armstrong entered. But this time Roy could see the behemoth of a man. The vision in his right eye wasn’t completely clear but enough that he could make out who was who and what was what.

“What?” Roy asked since Armstrong seemed to be waiting for him.

“Fullmetal made an attempt to escape but Havoc cornered him on the roof-“

“What?! And you left them up there?!” Roy shouted.

Armstrong held up his hands, “He didn’t jump, he asked Lt. Havoc for a cigarette.”

“A cigarette?” Roy asked somewhat floored that Ed would want… no that did make sense in a strange sort of fashion… He shook his head, “And why are you in here telling me about it? We all know Edward can take Havoc and you left them alone?!”

“Over stressing yourself isn’t going to help you heal any faster.” The Doctor muttered.

Roy shot him a glare, “I don’t give a damn about me. Ed just lost his little brother. If he isn’t suicidal he’s dancing on the edge. Armstrong get your ass on that roof and bring him back to me.”

“And what makes you think you can take care of him in your condition? Or that he wants your help?” The Doctor asked all too nonchalantly. It was as if the man were a wise old sage patronizing him with stupid shit he didn’t want to hear. Riza rested her hand on his arm before he exploded and told the doctor where to shove it.

“Major Elric is our business, Doctor. I am certain you have other patients so if you are finished with General Mustang, I think a nurse can handle the rest for today, thank you.”

Roy thought she was being far too nice about it but he kept his mouth shut and watched the doctor take his clip board and leave the room. Riza turned to him then.

“I will bring Edward down.” She promised and left him alone with Armstrong who took a seat quietly.

*


"So, if you don't mind me asking..."

"Because I've watched you smoke for almost four years and you're the most laid back person I know." Ed answered easily as he finished the little unhealthy stick. They stayed still for a little while, just the two of them, arms folded, staring out at Central.

"Well, it's not the smoking that makes me laid back, Ed." Havoc finally muttered. "I'm just naturally that way. Just like you're naturally ambitious." He raised an eyebrow and lit another cigarette. "I started smoking when I was too young to know any better now I can't imagine going a day without sucking down a pack or more. It's not something I'm proud of, you know."

"It's part of who you are, though," Ed let out a deep sigh, "I need something like that..."

"What?" Havoc inhaled fresh smoke from the new cigarette and nearly choked in surprise.

"I don't have anything that's just me... m-my arm and leg... my goal... hell, even my stupid watch..." he looked over at Havoc and then reached out asking for a second smoke. Before Havoc could plop one into his palm however, the door to the roof opened and they were graced with the presence of the First Lieutenant.

"Edward Elric!" She called in her 'no bullshit' voice. "Come with me."

Ed blinked at her and got the strange feeling that he was in trouble. It was almost a refreshing feeling. Leaving Havoc to stand near the rail, he moved, his bare feet softly padding on the warm concrete, until he came to stand before Hawkeye. He couldn't help but look down in shame, almost as if 'mommy' had just caught him smoking. She regarded him for a few seconds before relaxing a little. Her lips even cracked a small restrained smile. Ed frowned. Why was she smiling?

"Come on, Fullmetal, the General wants to see you."

"That's a real shocker. What, did he find out I wasn't within arm's reach and then flipped out?" Ed replied sourly. It was something that felt natural though.

"Something like that." She admitted and smirked once more as she led the younger alchemist back inside.

"Um... you gotta mint or something?" Ed asked as he sniffed his hand and found it to reek of smoke and tobacco.

"Don't bother. Armstrong already told us."

"He... he told you? The General too?" His brows knit in worry.

"Yes. Don't worry though, you're not grounded or anything." Hawkeye was joking around... it worried Ed