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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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The Road to Kindness

Chapter 8

Part 8

　

　

　

Darkness� everywhere darkness� it was surrounding him, choking him, he could feel it in his chest. He couldn�t move, not because of the chains holding him, but because of the poison pumping in his veins. He couldn�t see anything, but he could feel cold, only because of the warmth at his back. That body warmth made the iciness of the room, his nakedness, and the chains all the worse. Though there were no hands touching him now, he knew that they were return. They would make it hurt. They would make him feel dirty. What was worse� those hands on his skin, making him feel like he should rip his throat out with his nails, or this� this loneliness, lying in the dark without anyone speaking to him, anyone touching him. He was alone� he was always alone, from the day he had been born. And now, the slightest touch was as painful as a blow. Because it wasn�t what he wanted. On the surface, the caress of one of those strange men was similar to the feel of Heero�s hand on his, but it wasn�t. What he wanted, he couldn�t have. Not ever again.

Duo sunk to his knees in the dark closet, the fight suddenly leaving him as the memories of the dark room, only a few feet from the closet, came back to him in a rush, that feeling of isolation, of being reduced to a thing, not even an animal, just an object to be tossed around. He remembered how dirty he had felt, how with each injection of KL6, a little bit of his mind had slipped away. He was back there, only he could move around a little. Still� still in the dark� the metal of the cuffs made a haunting, scraping sound against the wood of the door as he fell, sobs pouring out of his throat as his situation suddenly bore down at him all at once. He might never see Heero again. Just like before.

Everything felt wrong. His mind was numb and hazy, his thoughts hyper and buzzing, giving him a headache. He felt as though someone had scraped him out empty, then had re-filled him only with fear. He had forgotten how that felt like. Somehow, he had forgotten the one thing that he had thought would stay with him forever. When Wes had attacked him at his job, and afterwards, Duo had been so frightened and paranoid about him trying to kidnap him, he had thought that that was the worst kind of fear. He had even thought that he wished that Wes would try something, because it was the waiting that made the fear so bad. But that fear hadn�t even touched on this feeling in his heart and stomach.

Every day he had spent with Wes, he had lived with that fear. And he had forgotten it, had forgotten what it felt like. He would give anything to return to that night when Wes had shot him, to return to that fear and paranoia, to be blissfully ignorant of this rapid terror, eating away at his insides. The fear that he might never see his family again, the fear that he might go back to his old life, the fear of Wes, of how crazy he was, of how unpredictable he was. Would he kill him? Rape him? Torture him? Every day of his life, before he had met Heero, he had always thought that he was at the height of pain, that there was no way it could ever get worse. And every day, life, and Wes, had proven him wrong. He had thought that starving had been bad, then he had lost Sister Helen. He had thought that being stalked by the pissed off ex-leader of White Fang had been frightening, then he had met Wes.

And then, he had believed, after all the years of training to be a whore, after all the abuse Wes had put him through, that he would never feel any sort of pain worse than that. Then, he had met Heero. And he had lost Heero. He had survived all sorts of things in his life; cuts, burns, tears, being shocked, whipped, beaten, near starvation, being shot� no matter the pain, he had survived. So, it was ironic that the thing that had brought him the lowest had had nothing to do with Wes. The greatest fear he had now, locked in this dark closet, wasn�t the amount of pain Wes was going to put him through. It wasn�t even how nuts Wes was, if he was going to kill him for leaving him. It was the thought that he might never see his best friend again.

Duo didn�t know what was worse about this situation, the things that had stayed the same or the things that had changed. He was in the same place, with the same man, who was just as powerful and cruel as he had always been, but Wes was different. The first time he had run away, Wes had smashed his head into the floor and cut up the bottoms of his feet. The second time, Wes had taken away his freedom and sanity. That first time Wes had raped him, drugged up and bleeding on the man�s bed, Wes had told him that if he fought against him, if he tried to run away, Wes would hurt him. If he kept trying to fight against him, again and again, Wes would kill him. He should be dead right now. Wes should have shot him in the woods, just out of the principal that Duo had, once again, run away from him.

Hell, Wes should have killed him regardless of that. He had been gone from the man from months, had never tried to come back to him. That had to have pissed Wes off. It obviously had, if he had sent Chris after him. But then he shouldn�t have changed his mind. He should have gone through with it, not because Duo had disobeyed, but because he knew things. He knew where Wes lived, the people he had killed, the kids he used to sell his drugs, all the pimps he worked with, the whores he kidnapped and trained. He even knew the names of some of the cops that Wes had in his pocket and the locations of some of the brothels he had set up. If Duo ever went to the cops, assuming that they weren�t dirty, Wes and a lot of his partners would be in shit trouble. For that reason only, Wes should have killed him already.

But here he was, handcuffed in a tiny closet, anxious, agitated, and scared out of his mind, but mostly fine. It didn�t add up to the man he had lived with for seven years. Wes shouldn�t be acting this way, but he was and Duo couldn�t figure it out. He didn�t want to believe that it was simply because Wes had some weird, twisted feelings for him, because that would make him human. He didn�t want to believe that. He wanted to believe that Wes simply an amoral monster that did whatever he wanted on a whim that made no sense logically. Duo had changed, too, because he had fallen in love. Not just with Heero, but with Name and this new life, too.

He had been born empty. Wes had filled him with fear, and Name had emptied him out once more, only to fill him up with hope and love and gratitude. He didn�t want Wes to have changed because he loved him, because that meant they had something in common. And if they had this one little thing alike, it brought the question to Duo�s mind of what else they had in common. What else had Wes raised into him? What if� what if Wes� perversion, his violence was deep inside of him as well, just waiting for the right moment to come out?

The closet door opened suddenly, if Duo had been leaning against the door he would have fallen out, and Wes appeared, a long length of silver wire in one hand. He grabbed Duo�s wrists below the cuffs in one hand and pulled him effortlessly to his feet. It startled Duo for a moment. He had nearly forgotten how strong Wes was, how easily one of his hands could trap both of his own. Duo had gained quite a bit of healthy weight since Wes had manhandled him like this, but compared to the tall blonde�s strength and size, he still felt like a tiny rag doll. Wes took a key out of his pant�s pocket and unlocked the cuffs, tugging them off of Duo, but with Wes� hand around his wrists, he was just as much trapped. Duo winced as the blonde man wrapped the wire around his wrists, binding them tightly. The metal wire bit sharply into his wrists, just an inch away from drawing blood. There was a lot of slack of the wire and Duo knew exactly what Wes was going to do.

�Wes-,� he tried to plead, but then the tall man was wrapping the wire around a bar above Duo�s head.

Wes pulled the length of the wire down with a jerk, pulling Duo�s arms so far above his head, only the front soles of his feet stayed on the carpeted floor, then tied the slack off around his captive�s pale arms. Duo gasped out in pain as his body was stretched upward, his scars from when he had had his spleen removed, which still ached every now and then and was very tender, stretching, too, giving him this strange pulling sensation in his side. He struggled, trying to pull down on the wire enough to give his right side some relief, but it only made the wire tighter. Wes� grey eyes narrowed a tiny bit as he caught the way Duo was favoring his right side. Wes put his hand over the scar through his shirt and experimentally squeezed Duo�s side.

Duo�s violet eyes opened wide as intense pain ripped through his side and he screamed, a tear falling down his cheek from the agony radiating from his surgical scars. The way Wes grabbed him was identical to what Chris had done, which had caused his spleen to burst in the first place. The pain made him thrash in his bonds and through the haze, he could feel the wires slice into his skin. The feeling of hot blood dripping down his arms made a strange contrast to the cold wire. Wes immediately released Duo�s side when Duo screamed, then brushed his knuckles over Duo�s cheek, wiping up the tear.

�I�m sorry,� Duo heard Wes murmur in his ear.

Duo slid his eyes shut as he heard those words. He could feel his heart trembling and silent tears started to pour down. Wes never said he was sorry, not for anything, let alone for causing pain. His stomach felt funny, like it was fluttering, like he was about to be sick. Wes shouldn�t be sorry. He wasn�t supposed to be sorry! He didn�t have that right� he was the one who had hurt him to begin with. He was just fucking with his mind again, he was sure of that. So why did his heart hurt? Why did he suddenly have this strange impulse to press himself closely to Wes� body, the way he would if Name hugged him? He hated him. He hated him, hated him, hated him! He hated that he had to feel this way towards the same person who continuously hurt him! But some part of him yearned for it, for some kind affection from this man.

Wes� hand moved and Duo flinched, but he just cupped his cheek and used his thumb to wipe his tears away.

�I love you,� the blonde said and the sincerity in his tone, something Duo had only ever heard when Wes had been threatening him with something, made the truth drive into Duo�s heart like metal spike.

Wes loved him. He couldn�t deny that anymore, he realized. He couldn�t rationalize it away as a mistake or a lie. Wes truly believed that he was in love with him. He had done all this, not to punish him for running away or disobeying him, but because he wanted him back. He was willing to kill in order to do that, was willing to put himself in danger for it. That weak part of him warmed hearing those words. That part of him screamed at him to forgive the man, that as long as Wes loved him, he should always forgive him. He felt like his heart was tearing into two between wanting to let Wes love him, and being too terrified about what that meant, too scared about what those words were doing to him, emotionally and mentally. He was breaking down. With only three words, Wes was destroying everything again, all his confidence, all his resolve.

Wes leaned forward and pressed his lips against Duo�s. Duo nearly grimaced, preparing himself for this moment. He knew that Wes was going to fuck him. When they had lived together, they had had sex once a day, at the very least. Wes had an intense sex drive and they hadn�t been together for months. But this kiss startled him. Wes� kisses were always rough, possessive. He somehow managed to make you feel like he was raping you, just with lips and tongue. Sometimes he bit and drew blood. The only way to really describe it was that it wasn�t so much a kiss as an attempt to dominate. And Wes, no matter who was involved, always dominated. The only person Duo had ever met who had that kind of pure presence was Name, but she didn�t need his cruel violence, just her voice. Name could be the kindest, warmest person, but when her voice went low and cold, you listened. Wes was the same way. If the two of them met, Duo had no idea who would come out on top.

But this kiss wasn�t like that. Wes didn�t try to slip his tongue into his mouth like he usually did, or nip his lips or any of that. His lips were soft against his and the kiss, though wet, was slow and gentle. In their seven year history, Wes had never kissed him like that. To his knowledge, the man had never kissed anyone like that. It� it felt good. All warmth and affection. No violence. With his arms strung up with sharp wire, that kiss was comforting and nice, like how Heero�s arms felt when they wrapped around him when he was upset. He hated that comparison, but it was there. When Wes� lips left his, he felt abandoned, cold. That twisted part of himself cried out at the absence and wanted Wes to kiss him again, while Wes� sudden affection made him feel kind of sick inside.

He wasn�t sure why, but the blonde�s intimacy with him sent him reeling. Maybe it was because he was so unused to it. Maybe it was because he had wanted Wes to be like this since he was a kid, so getting it now when he was trying so hard to sever ties with Wes was painful and confusing. Or maybe it was because he was having such a hard time deciding if the kiss was good or bad, that his arousal by it was sick or obvious. If he thought about it real hard, his� relationship with Wes had always confused him. Half of the time, Wes was like his father, the other half, his lover. Wes had taught him how to make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the exact same day he had taught him how to masturbate seductively. In his mind, he called Wes his father, but it that were true, he would have to ignore all the times that Wes had forced arousal onto him. He would have to ignore his own sexuality and how this kiss made him feel. Duo was gay. He had known that since he was twelve years old.

He had gotten erections when he had been younger. It had been one of the first things Wes had taught his body to do, to get aroused by what a john did to him. Most of those men had gotten off on forcing him to do whatever they wanted, but had gotten annoyed if he wasn�t �enjoying himself�, too. Duo had never really understood that. Being raped hurt. Even when there wasn�t physical pain, it wasn�t a pleasant thing and he couldn�t understand men who fantasized raping defenseless people like him, only to get angry when they didn�t enjoy it. Wes, at least, had understood it and hadn�t really seemed offended if Duo hadn�t gotten hard from the stuff he had done to him.

More often than not, Wes had forced his body to like it. He had even seemed to get some sick amusement from making him orgasm. It had been like a game to him. Duo, as he had gotten older, had slowly realized that it hadn�t really meant anything. Just stimulation, added with the fact that he had never really been touched, let alone that way, before. Some lonely part of him hadn�t hated it. The context of a caress had always made him squirm, but the touch itself hadn�t always been bad. He had realized that his arousals had been pretty much involuntary, but that realization hadn�t changed the self-disgust and hatred he had felt every time Wes had gotten him off.

So, despite his getting aroused when Wes or some other man had been inside of him, Duo had never had anything to compare it to. He had never been able to really define what he was. Sex had just been a job to him, a childhood thing. He had never had sex with a woman, had never looked at anyone that way, so sex had remained in his mind this constant, strange thing. Something that other people did and worried about. He hadn�t even considered the possibility that he might be gay, or have any kind of sexuality at all, until one night after a long day of �working�.

It hadn�t been a john that had made him realize it, and sometimes he wondered if it would have embarrassed him less if it had been one of his customers. Duo had gotten off of his last job and had been hanging out with Solo and the others. He had known them for two months at that point, but they had become close friends after just two weeks. They always met up at that same street corner and, somehow, even during a bad night, they always had food to eat, hot cider or milk or chocolate during the winter. It was strange to think about, or perhaps ironic, but even after all those years starving on the streets, during those nights, it had never been the promise of a free meal that had made him happy, but just knowing he had people to talk to, people that cared about him. That was a lot rarer than a free meal, someone in the world who gave a shit about what happened to him, about where his latest bruise had come from.

Duo liked to think that he had given them as much as they had given him, not because it was true but because it made him feel less guilty. That night, he had been helping Yuki and Shi play dress up in a public men�s restroom. Shi had insisted that Duo should be relaxing, but it had made Duo feel a lot more useful helping them get ready for their next job than anything Wes made him do. Hi and Solo had both been with their own customers, while Alex and Aluxiel, having to don school-girl uniforms with all the necessary lingerie, had gone to the girl�s bathroom. If any guys saw the two of them leave the men�s room, it would have been obvious and gotten them assaulted, but two cute sisters hanging out together late at night wasn�t entirely suspicious.

Amaaya had been on lookout duty outside of the restroom. Initially, she had wanted to change with them, but Shi had kicked her out, saying that she was going to make him feel self-conscious, complete with a playful leer that she had smacked him on the shoulder for. Their relationship had always seemed weird to Duo. Most of the time, they acted like a bratty brother and sister, but every now and then, Duo realized that Shi might have a crush on the Japanese-Italian girl, but, unlike a lot of guys, was smart enough to know that hitting on a lesbian wasn�t sexy, it was just plain stupid. Not to mention humiliating.

Duo had mostly been in that restroom with the two of them to help Yuki. He thought that Shi just really wanted some company. That was the strange thing about the tall blonde. He acted so tough and independent, but he seemed so lonely and clingy if you watched him closely. Like a little boy at a fancy party, surrounded by strangers, desperately looking for his mother. Shi had always been a strange mixture of adult and child to him, but he supposed that they all had been like that, forced to grow up too quickly to let go of their childish personalities and desires. The red-eyed man had been chatty that night, his last customer having a penchant for getting him drunk right before sex, but Shi held his alcohol well and had just been slightly hyper.

Yuki had been silent, as always, but had worn an affectionate little smile, barely there at all, listening to Shi talk about the different, ridiculous kinds of underwear his customers wore, prompted by his previous john�s strange love for Hershey kiss patterned boxers. It had been such a long time ago, but Duo�s memory, usually so fuzzy and full of holes, had taken a permanent snapshot of the way Yuki had looked that night. Duo had shown up after Amaaya and Shi had helped the Japanese boy with his hair, but it must have taken a long time. His long black hair, usually free falling down his back, had been done up in this elegant style on his head, held by an oriental-looking, ornamental comb.

Yuki�s customer liked it when he wore older Japanese clothing, so he had settled on some kind of heavy, long kimono that Duo now forgot the name for, but had seemed terribly elaborate and complicated to him. Just in wrapping the obi around Yuki�s slim waist, Duo had realized that there was no way one person could put the outfit on by themselves. It had taken him forever to get everything tucked and tied, even with Yuki�s patient instructions. If someone were to ask him now how to do it, he wouldn�t be able to get through step one. The one thing he remembered the most about it was thinking of how pretty the back of Yuki�s thin neck had looked, how graceful the black eyed boy had walked, even with all that material weighing him down. It made his chest hurt, remembering his dead friend that way.

Then, Duo remembered very distinctly, he had noticed around Yuki that Shi was getting undressed, too. Shi�s outfit had been no where near as complicated as Yuki�s. His last customer had been into some kind of slumber party play, making him wear a white, button up top that was just loose enough on Shi to make it look like something he would sleep in. The top ended somewhere between the blonde�s rear and very upper thighs. With Shi�s long legs, Duo could only imagine in his mind how he might have looked, lounging on the hotel bed with only that shirt on and nothing else. Duo hardly ever had gotten requests for something like that, something sexy, but not degrading. He had gotten requests like the twins and Yuki, just old men wanting to screw someone illegally young, or just have the illusion that they were. At least Shi, at the end of it, had just been able to slip on a pair of jeans and go back out into public without looking like a pervert.

Duo couldn�t remember exactly what outfit Shi had been changing into that night, only that his next customer had been one of his female ones and she had had some kind of leather fetish, completely different from the john before her. Even when he had just started out being Wes� whore, Duo had understood that being a prostitute was a lot like being an actor. Sure, there were men who spreading your legs for them was enough, but that was rare. Most of the guys Wes had sent him to had had some kind of fantasy they had wanted him to play out. They had all wanted him to pretend that he was someone that he wasn�t, had wanted him to dress up and play pretend. That had always been one of the worst things, something that had taken a long time for Wes to train into him. It was nearly impossible to act innocent or seductive when, inside, you just felt sick and scared.

Duo still remembered, quite vividly despite the years gone by, watching the sight of that white shirt slipping down Shi�s wide shoulders. Of course he had seen a man�s naked back before, but there had been something about this one moment, watching Shi undress, that had left him transfixed; the way his muscles moved as he tossed the shirt off to the side, the shape of his shoulder blades� his back had been pale and flawless, his long, golden hair swept over one shoulder. He had never really looked at a man�s back like that before, with such interest and intensity. It had been beautiful, in a way that he had never seen a part of the body as beautiful before. He had certainly never looked at any girl that way.

He hadn�t gotten aroused by it. Maybe he had been too young, or too haunted, but he had been easily attracted to the sight. Duo supposed that made all the difference. Wes had forced him to be aroused, but never in his life had Duo ever been attracted to anything or anyone. And it had made him feel ashamed, embarrassed, even more than Wes forcing his body to like being raped by him, because Shi was his friend. It hadn�t been like he had wanted to have sex with the tall blonde. That would have been like wanting your big brother. It had just been one moment, a glimmer of interest and desire, his very first. But it had left him feeling dirty, like how wanting Heero felt sometimes. Sex hurt and had always made him feel worthless. The entire time he had been with Wes, he had hated all those men who looked at him just as a way to get off and he had equated them with how he had looked at Shi. To see one of his best friends like that� it had disgusted him.

It wouldn�t have taken a genius to figure out that he was gay. Even at that age, he was sure that no straight boy got attracted to a masculine back. Still, he had waited for another moment to come, for him to see a girl like that. It never did. A part of him had hoped that he would be given some proof that he was straight, but it had just been that part of him that had yearned for normalcy; a family, a home, that stupid �American Dream�. But, when he really thought about, his sexuality had nothing to do with that dream. Even at the tender age of twelve he had understood it. If he was straight, his life was still shit. And gay guys had a much better chance at a normal life than he ever would. In a way, he had been lucky. He had already spent five years with Wes, being trained on how to pleasure a man. Two guys having sex had been normal to him.

Duo had never gone through that period that most homosexuals did, questioning their sexuality, wondering if it was wrong and how the people around him would treat him if they knew. Wes wouldn�t have given a shit if he was gay, bi, straight, trans, or into bestiality, as long as he had done what he was told. When he had realized what he was, Duo had accepted it easily as fact, not as something he should change or something he should be ashamed of. If he had been ashamed, it had only been because he had been forced to question if he had been born this way, it was a self-defense mechanism, or Wes� lifestyle had made him this way. If he was gay, did he like being a whore for other men? Should he be ashamed of that? He still didn�t know what to think about it.

And what he felt for Heero� it was complicated. The first time they had met had been far from ideal. He had been just coming down from a bought of pneumonia which had caused him to miss three days of school. He didn�t know if he had gotten it from standing in the cold or one of his customers, but with the way he had lived back then, the stress Wes had put him through, the lack of heat and healthy, abundant food, and no health insurance, it had hit him hard. The only good thing that had come from it was that it was so contagious, Wes hadn�t wanted him to infect any of his customers, so he had just had to do some chores around the house, but when Wes had left to do whatever it was that he did, Duo had spent the entire time sleeping. And as soon as he had finally gotten back to school, he had learned that, if it hadn�t been for Mr. Khushrenada�s kindness, he would have been expelled.

So, although he had been hearing gossip from his classmates that the Heero Yuy was coming to their school, a boy whose status even an isolated person like him had been aware of, he had been too stressed about Khushrenada�s news that, if he missed even one more class, he would be expelled, to really care about some rich boy moving to their town. St. Peter�s was a moderately large town with a population of mostly poor to �middle� class residents, since there wasn�t a whole lot of industry here. Some factories, small businesses, cheap hotels, and a few restaurants, no place that let any of their employees get rich or opened a whole lot of doors, so having someone anywhere near Heero�s wealth move in had been huge news, but not for Duo.

For one, Duo had lived his entire life in this town and he knew that one really rich family moving in wasn�t going to change anything. In St. Peter�s, nothing really changed. In between that fact and the lack of money pouring into their community had turned the town into a breeding ground for people like Wes. People who could make a profit by preying on those that needed something desperately; money, safety, drugs, sex� it wasn�t that St. Peter�s was a ghetto or black pit, just that the people in charge were easily bought and there really wasn�t anyone who cared enough to blow the whistle and if they did, they weren�t powerful enough to dodge a bullet.

Sure, there were rich people who lived here, but they didn�t give enough of a shit to make things better. They lived in their fenced in houses on their own side of town and lived their own, separate lives, pretending that there weren�t any whores or gangs or drug dealers that shopped in the same grocery stores that they did, saw the same doctors at the same hospital, the only hospital in town. Duo had been sure that the Yuy�s wouldn�t be any different. Richer and more powerful, but just as blind or ignorant.

He had met rich men before, had sucked their cocks along with all the other guys who had just enough money to pay for him. The only difference he had ever really seen between them was their attitudes. It seemed like, the richer the man was, the more arrogant and self-important he had been, as though he had been doing Duo a favor by fucking him. All his johns had looked down on him in some way, but for some reason that those men saw him as pathetic just because he was being forced to whore himself to survive had always angered him.

So, when Heero had walked into his class that day, he had been thoroughly uninterested and unimpressed, just trying to get through his week without having some sort of mental breakdown. Then, the boy that he had heard all the gossip about, who had been ignoring the rest of their classmates with a superior smirk, had suddenly decided to pay attention to him. He hadn�t been sure if he should be just shocked or start looking for a place to hide. Probably both. But he had only thought those things after he had stopped being completely memorized and rendered speechless by those dark blue eyes.

For the first time since that night watching one of his best friends undress, Duo had felt� that something. That strange heat in his heart, being enthralled by something physical, but also something unique. Something that he couldn�t quite understand because he felt it so rarely. And really, he would have had to have been dead to not have seen how attractive Heero was. His wild, chocolate brown hair, the golden tone of his skin, his height, intriguing given his distinct Japanese features, no doubt a gift from his father, a man that Duo truly wished he could have met, just like those smoldering blue eyes. Then, Heero had looked at him with that snide expression and his interest had evaporated. At least that was one good thing he could say about his sexuality, that he wasn�t shallow.

He had immediately dismissed the Japanese boy after their initial meeting, especially when he noticed Heero talking with Zechs, Zechs acting like he knew him and they should be friends. He knew now that Zechs had recognized Heero as his sister�s ex-fiancée, while Heero hadn�t realized that they had met before. When Heero had accused him of judging him before he had even known him, he had been right. He had done the exact thing he had hated about his classmates. He hadn�t even been willing to give him a chance, so sure that Heero was going to be the next bully in his life.

The fact of his world was that most people were like Zechs. When they wanted something and were denied, they hit and pushed and did everything to make you miserable. Instead, Heero had promised to change his mind and had given him his French fries. He had never met someone like that, someone so far removed from his own life. There was so much of Heero that he had fallen in love with. He didn�t want to call it that, he wanted to believe that it was just because he had never met someone with that much kindness, that he was just mistaking feelings of friendship for love because he didn�t really know what love was supposed to feel like. Because� even before Name had taken him in, Heero had been like no one he had ever met.

Duo didn�t care how rich Heero was, it took guts for a teenager to try to make friends with someone that the rest of their school viewed as a plague. It wasn�t just that Heero could have had anyone as his friend, he had been so nice, so caring, even back when they had barely known each other. When they had first met, he had pegged Heero as this pompous jerk, only to realize that there was something else deep inside, this incredible warmth. Was it really such a shock that he had fallen so hard for him? Heero trusted him. He had let him, a stranger, into his home, without any suspicion. Heero wasn�t an idiot, he had to have known that there would be kids at his new school that wanted to get close to a Yuy, yet he had let him sleep in his room without really asking why Duo refused to talk about his own family life.

Even more amazing, Duo trusted Heero. He had no reason, no capacity left in his heart to trust anyone, but after that first sleepover, he had lost all fear of the other boy. It had been a stupid thing to do, considering the damage Heero could have done to him. He should have guarded himself, not just because Name could have found out about him and made his life a living hell, but guarded his heart. If he had to pin down a reason why he had fallen in love with Heero, it had to be that the blue eyed boy did the one thing no one in his entire life had ever done� he had respected him.

When Duo had told him something embarrassing, Heero had listened and understood instead of making fun of him. When Heero had asked him something that Duo didn�t want to answer, he had backed off. He had given him his own personal space and had treated him like an equal. He might lie to himself that his feelings were just that of friendship, because that was easier than trying to understand what this intense need was, but he knew that that was far from the truth. If he lost Trowa or Shi, he would be devastated, but he would live on. If he lost Heero� the pain of that possibility was so severe that he couldn�t even finish the thought of it! He was certain that you didn�t feel that way for a friend, even a friend who had saved your life so many times.

And then there was this, the feeling of Wes� lips on his own. All he could think about was how much he wished that he could have this with Heero. His heart was torn in two, hating that wish and burning in desire for it. He shouldn�t want Heero that way, it was wrong, that part of him screamed. Heero had given him so much, and Duo felt like a pervert wanting to know what it would feel like, having his best friend kiss him. It hurt. Loving him like that, it physically made his chest hurt. Because he didn�t know what those feelings meant. He had always believed that love was a lie, that sex, the way that you saw it in pornography and in movies was just an illusion. Sex hurt and it only felt good if you were on top. He had grown up truly believing that.

And then he had fallen in love himself. He knew how it felt, having that person hurt you emotionally, and how that was so much worse than anything they could physically do to you. He understood all those dumb love songs now. But he still didn�t know what it meant. What was love supposed to look like? What was he supposed to do with this feeling? Just let it rot inside of him, tell Heero about it? He thought he would probably die of shame if he did. All those mean little voices inside of him told him that there was no way a boy like Heero could possibly feel this passion, this desire for someone like him. They were best friends, and that alone was a miracle. How could he possibly wish for more than that?

And then there was Wes. Wes he understood, at least a lot more than he understood this desire. It was wrong to compare the two of them. Heero was wonderful and Wes was a monster. But he couldn�t help it. He felt like he was being torn between the two of them, the one he could have and the one he really wanted. Wes said that he loved him and now� this kiss was nice. Heero� he would probably never know what Heero�s lips felt like, if his kiss would be anything like Wes�. That realization created a deep despair in his heart and all the parts of him that yearned for love like a thirsty man in a desert demanded that he let Wes do whatever he wanted. If he could get just the slightest taste of someone�s love for him, he should take it.

But his love for Heero turned the kiss into something revolting. It screamed at him that the choice should be obvious. Because somewhere inside he knew the truth. He could never love Wes like he loved Heero. He might love him, in some sick and twisted way, and they might be forever connected in a way that would haunt him for the rest of his life, but as conflicted as he was about his feelings for Heero, he just couldn�t deny that those feelings were brighter. They made him feel good and wrong at the same time, but the wrong was so much less than the wrong of letting Wes love him, of falling into him like a scared little child. No matter how he felt about Wes, he knew he could never compare to Heero. In his brightest dreams and fantasies, it was Heero�s arms that he was in, not Wes�.

The feeling of Wes� lips leaving his, giving him this strange sensation of painful emptiness, snapped him back to reality. He had been so lost in his strange, rapidly changing thoughts that he hadn�t felt Wes� hand creep behind his head, tugging softly on his braid, or how the blood dripping down his arms had spread through the shoulder of his t-shirt, staining it red from the hem on the neck to the hem on the sleeve on the left side, making his skin feel wet and sticky. What the hell was wrong with him? Zoning out in a moment like this� he felt drugged. His mind was heavy and he felt like he was in a fog, those thoughts threatening to take him away again, to think about the friends he had left behind, the choices he needed to make� and, really, he understood it. Better to think about the past, better to lose track of reality listening to those buzzing, frantic thoughts than truly listen to his heart every time Wes� skin touched his.

Duo felt his ex-pimp�s fingers grip the tie around the end the his braid, pulling on it. He held his breath, panic filling him. Yuki�s hair tie, the color midnight blue, a color that reminded him both of his dead friend and Heero. His heart clenched and Duo wasn�t sure what terrified him more, Wes touching his hair or him breaking the satiny tie. He had always hated that, his customers touching his hair. It was such a stupid thing to feel sensitive about. Wes had never threatened to cut off his hair, since he had always loved it, and really, if anyone did cut it off, it would just grow back anyway. There were so many other things that those men could have broken or taken away from him that would never come back, but it had always made him squirm when they touched his braid or wanted his hair down. It just seemed� more personal some how. He didn�t even like anyone brushing his hair. Except for Heero.

Duo breathed again when he felt Wes untie the ribbon instead of tearing it, dropping it on the floor, then unwove his braid until his chestnut hair fell loosely, brushing against his bare, raised arms and tumbled over his stretched shoulders. Duo shuddered as Wes slipped both his hands under his white shirt, trailing up each side of his waist, up and around, over his back until his fingers were brushing over his shoulder blades. It was a weird, intimate feeling, like his body was being studied in a way that wasn�t clinical, almost worshipped. The inside of the closet was cold, but Wes� hands on his skin were searing hot. The larger man pressed himself against his restrained body and Duo could feel the hard bulge of his erection against his leg. That was something that had always startled him, that Wes could get so aroused from him.

He could understand if he told him to touch him, to give him a blow job or any of that, or even from restraining or hurting him, but sometimes it was the little things, like when he let his hair down or his clothes were mussed from sleep. He had always assumed that Wes was one of those guys that could get it up the second they decided they wanted sex, that his libido was just insane. But now that the man had confessed to loving him, he had to wonder if he really was like this all the time, or there was something about Duo that turned him on. If that was the case, he couldn�t figure out why. It wasn�t like he was anything special, which just brought up the question again of why Wes thought he was in love with him, and why, out of all the people he had turned into his whores, why he was living with him.

Duo knew for the fact that he wasn�t the only street kid Wes had kidnapped. He didn�t know what his pay grade was, if Duo had gotten a lot of more business than the others, but Wes had never actually complained, so he had to assume that he had done well for him. Still, he wasn�t like the twins or Yuki. He wasn�t beautiful like they were with their almost feminine looks, perfect skin, and graceful bodies. He was short, awkward, and despite his good grades, he wasn�t brilliant. He had to work hard to understand a lot of his school work. He didn�t have any talents and even with his recent change in confidence, he was still pretty meek. Sure, his hair was nice if he took care of it and his eyes were unusual, but so were Shi�s and his golden hair was probably a lot prettier than his chestnut.

�I missed you,� Wes said as he nuzzled the side of Duo�s slim neck.

Duo�s next intake of breath was sharp and unsteady as he felt the blonde�s tongue swipe over his neck, tasting his skin in a soft, slow stroke. Those words made something tighten around his heart. He almost whispered that he had missed Wes, too. It was what he wanted to hear, and it was far from a lie. He had missed Wes. Had missed the cologne he wore, the way he would touch him, how his fingers would dig into his skin, how sure and confident he had always been. That smell brought unpleasant memory, those touches always bruised and Wes was only confident because he had always had complete, utter control over him, but as terrible as those things were, he had missed them. They had dominated over his life and without them, he had felt empty.

Only, he could never admit to that out loud. Would never tell Heero just how lost and alone he had felt in that hospital bed. Because as much as he hated Wes, he had never had anything else. But he couldn�t tell Wes how much he had missed him, because some part of himself told him that if he said it out loud, that would make it more real. And he knew that that was too dangerous, especially right now. But those words confused him and hurt him because that part of him that loved Wes didn�t want to know that his actions, his desperate need to get away from the abuse and darkness, had hurt him. Was it that he didn�t want to hurt someone that he loved, even if that love seemed so psychotic right now, or was it that hurting someone that had hurt him so much seemed strange, like it had given him some power that terrified him to possess?

Wes cupped his face, his thumb tracing over where the frames of his glasses would have been.

�Contacts,� he murmured, �I like them. It�s a good look for you. Nothing should get in the way of these eyes.�

Duo�s nearly blushed at Wes� heated tone as those grey eyes examined his own. He wanted to yell at him that the contacts were because of Heero, the boy that he hated so much. If it hadn�t been for him, he would still be wearing those stupid, broken glasses of his that had just barely helped his vision. Which Wes had damaged in the first place. That memory of feeling his head smash into the floor, pain flaring up like a storm, only to open his eyes and see blurry colors that had never gone away like he had been expecting them to, made his stomach twist in anxiety and anger.

Wes� hands traveled down his back, to his jeans. Duo felt those hands unbuckle the belt holding his jeans up and push them down his legs. Something sickening settled in his stomach, something that was hot and cold at the same time, something that was like fear but worse. It should have hit him before now. Why hadn�t he thought of it? Why hadn�t he realized it? It was so obvious, so predictable that he could only claim that he had been in denial, trying to force it away from his mind. Wes was going to rape him, again. Just like Chris had. Was it just because he felt so far removed from his old life sometimes? Back then, Wes having sex with him had not been some cosmic event, but now that realization seemed so powerful. How long had it been since Boston, how many months?

He hadn�t been in this situation since Chris had damaged him so badly. His body had healed but his mind hadn�t, probably never would, and the thought of being violated again, after trying to succumb to the promise that he was finally free from that, was painful. It felt wrong. But he should have seen it coming. Wasn�t this the whole point, the whole reason why Wes had kidnapped him? He couldn�t let him go, and he couldn�t stop. They would just repeat this same dance over and over and over again until one of them died. Wes would rape him and Duo would bear it. He wouldn�t even fight back because what was the point of that? It wasn�t that he knew that he couldn�t get away, it was that he knew, no matter how hard he fought, it was useless. Even if Wes didn�t rape him now, he would eventually and he had before. It was like protesting a foul when the game was already over. No one cared.

�That it isn�t true,� he thought desperately as Wes kicked his discarded jeans into the corner of the closet, �Heero said that it didn�t matter how many times I�ve been raped.�

He remembered that, somewhere in the back of his head. Heero had told him that it didn�t matter, that each time was terrible, a violation, an assault. Each time was just as bad as the first. So why wasn�t he protesting? Why wasn�t he screaming and begging, like he had with Chris? Some part of him was accepting it, because it was Wes. That part of him was cowed and beaten. It was keeping him from fighting. Tears pricked his eyes as he felt Wes� hands suddenly move up his body, over his shirt, his knowing fingers finding his nipples and rubbing at them. He wouldn�t fight. He knew that, just as surely as he knew that nothing was going to stop Wes from doing this, from changing his mind, even if Heero burst in here right now.

Had he really changed at all? He had been thinking that. Ever since that moment on the beach with Heero, he had so desperately believed that he was a different person. He was more confident, so less likely to take things at face value and just believe that he was worthless. He had started to believe that, if Heero saw all that good in him, it had to be there. He was different, he could move away from Wes, maybe not completely, but enough to change and grow. And now, here he was again. All the same old places� and he wasn�t doing anything. He wasn�t yelling at Wes, cursing him out for doing this to him again, for not trying to let him go. How, exactly had he changed?

Duo made a very soft noise as Wes rolled the tips of his nipples through his shirt, making them go hard almost instantly. He didn�t pinch them or squeeze them until they hurt, just touched them lightly. The motion sent a little spark of pleasure through him. Wes had never touched him like that before. He hadn�t even thought that Wes was capable of touching like that. His breath came out sharply as those fingers abandoned his chest and slipped down lower, over his shirt to his now bare lower body. As his blunt nails scraped over his stomach, Duo trembled a little bit. This was strange. This wasn�t how things were supposed to go� He gasped out, feeling Wes wrap his hand around his flaccid cock, still not squeezing or being rough, his fingers caressing the sensitive skin, almost lovingly.

The violet eyed boy flushed in shame as he felt his penis respond to this attention, so used to being manhandled or ignored completely, not stroked in the way he had been taught to do, meant only to feel good, not control or punish. What the hell was Wes- � he gasped again, then groaned as a thumb brushed over the slit of his rising erection, making pre-cum start to flow in a tiny little trickle down his pale length. Heat started to rise in him just from Wes� ministrations, just from being touched in his new way. Wes smirked as he watched Duo�s cock rise, and Duo would swear that he looked affectionate instead of arrogantly amused, the way he used to smirk every time he made Duo feel good from their violent sex.

Duo gritted his teeth to keep from making any noise as those rough, but bizarrely gentle fingers trailed down his cock to his balls, cupping them in his hand and rubbing against them, making that heat in his stomach grow to something that was becoming unbearable. This was wrong, so wrong� Wes was like Chris, a little bit less brutal, when he wanted to be, but he didn�t do things like this. Everything was a cruel game to him, a way to humiliate his prey, to make them realize that he owned them, to break them. This was something new. This� it felt good, even more than those times when Wes had forced him to climax and Duo couldn�t understand it. This was supposed to hurt. Wes was just supposed to fuck him, to make him his again, but everything he was doing was slow� it was� it was gentle.

Wes� other hand disappeared for a moment, but with the way he was caressing his balls, Duo barely noticed until he felt a light touch to his entrance, the fingers wet and slick.

�Lube,� he realized, slightly in shock, �and a lot of it.�

Wes didn�t use the stuff that much, just enough to keep him from completely damaging Duo�s insides, unless he had just come off of a job, then he didn�t use it at all, or he would use just a little bit if he wasn�t in the mood for stretching him with something smaller. But he didn�t just shove his finger in, he rubbed it over the delicate skin, smothering the hole with the wet stuff. It was almost like he was being careful, unless this was some new game he had never played before.

�Why?� Duo thought in confusion, �Why doesn�t he just thrust in like he usually does?�

That feeling came to him again, the feeling of being cared for, being revered, like he was something special. Something that Wes actually cared about and didn�t want to break. It was a nice feeling, and having it come from this man made it twisted, made it hurt and soothe at the same time. It was just like the torture techniques Wes used when he wanted to punish him. He would hurt him, tear into him, like he wanted him to shatter, then would comfort him in some way, only to tear into him all over again until Duo hadn�t been able to separate the pain from the pleasure. It had overwhelmed him. Chaining him up in the dark, only to let him go� in this way, Wes had broken him. In this way� Wes had insured that Duo would come back to him. Slavery in the disguise of freedom. It was a lot more powerful than just breaking someone�s arm, and more permanent.

Was that what this was, more insurance? But Wes seemed to be getting into it. It was like Wes was exploring his body, like he actually wanted him to feel good. Duo winced as he felt that long finger slip inside of him, but it didn�t actually hurt, it just had been awhile. In reality, it had been a lot longer than he thought. Chris might have fucked him, but he hadn�t really played with him. Hadn�t prepped him or done more than just thrust in. Wes grunted as he felt just how tight Duo was, like a vice around his finger.

�Shit,� he growled, �You should not be this tight. Is that Yuy kid impotent or something?�

Duo found the anger to glare up at his ex-guardian.

�Heero isn�t like that!� he snapped, �We�re friends, not lovers! Even if he were gay, he isn�t a pervert who�d fuck the first thing that moved!�

When those words came bursting out of him, �we�re not lovers�, he felt a sharp pain in his heart, worse than anything Wes could possibly do to him, and had no choice but to try to ignore it. Why the hell did Chris and Wes always automatically think that he and Heero were having sex?! Did they honestly think that everyone else was like them, that the entire world was composed of people who were sick and twisted enough to just take what they wanted from other people, just for the sake of taking? Even if Heero was gay, even if, by some miracle, he liked him that way, he would never have casual sex with him! Heero knew how he felt, how tortured and messed up he was because of what Wes had done to him, and Duo knew that Heero would never treat him like that, like some kind of sex toy to use just to get off.

Duo expected Wes to react to his yelling at him violently. Maybe he would hit him or wrap the wires tighter around his wrists, just thrust in or do something with his finger to make his insides hurt. Instead, Wes regained his smirk, looking triumphant instead of annoyed by Duo�s sudden attitude change. He was happy, Duo realized. Happy because he and Heero had never had sex. In Wes� twisted mind, he probably thought that that meant that Heero had no claim on him at all, that Duo remained his alone.

�Good,� Wes grinned, sliding a second finger inside the trapped boy and making him squirm, �Don�t worry, I�ll get you used to this again, in time.�

Duo suddenly had to struggle hard against those tears in his eyes, threatening to spill out again. That was the one thing he didn�t want. It was bad enough, what Chris had done. Just that one time had made him ill inside, but the thought that Wes was actually going to try to turn him into that person again� that boy who would bend over for him, just with a look, made him want to rip out his own intestines. He gritted his teeth again as Wes slid in a third finger, feeling his inner muscles, though still tight, start to loosen enough that the intrusion didn�t feel as strenuous. He didn�t care how often Wes did this to him, he would never get used to that feeling of a part of his body stretching like that, a part that no one should touch unless he asked them to. It always felt weird and wrong to him. Sure, the touch itself made that sensitive skin feel good, but it set him on edge and all he wanted to do was scream and shove Wes off of him.

Almost as though he had heard his thoughts, Wes� fingers slid out of him, but Duo knew better. After eight years of this, he knew not to be relieved. Every muscle in his body tightened up in reflex as Wes unzipped his pants and took out his hard cock. Duo took a deep breath as the tip of it pressed against his leg, leaving behind a drop of pre-cum. Wes wasn�t as big as Chris was, but that was like comparing an elephant to a whale. It was still big. Seeing it for the first time in months made the subservient, restrictive haze in his mind dissipate.

�Please� please, Wes� don�t-,� he started to beg.

What was he doing? He was just� hanging here and taking this treatment! It might not hurt, it might be different and strange, and he might be powerless, but if Heero could see him now� he would be ashamed, wouldn�t he? That realization was like a slap to the face. He was fully ready to start yelling at the tall blonde when Wes grabbed his chin in his hand, forcing him to look him in the eye. His grip was tight and threatening, an intense contrast from the way he had molested him earlier. So much like the Wes he had known.

�I said don�t worry,� Wes said, his tone low, �I�m not going to hurt you. I�m going to make you feel good.�

�Better than that Yuy brat ever will,� he thought to himself angrily.

Duo�s violet eyes widened in shock. Wes had said those things hundred of times before. �Don�t worry, I�m not going to hurt you.� �I�m going to make you feel good.� Of course, it had almost always been after he had said that that he had hurt him the most. It had been one of Wes� favorite mind fuck games. Those first few weeks together, Duo had believed everything Wes had said to him, that when he said he was going to hurt him, he would, and when he said it wouldn�t, it would be fine. He had learned that no one could be trusted. Not any adult, any man, and certainly not the one he lived with. After that, he had been incapable of actually telling if Wes� promises were complete bullshit or not. Sometimes he would lie his ass off, and other times, when he said he wasn�t going to hurt him, he wouldn�t. It had always been those times that had thrown him for a loop. It had been like a severe torture technique, not knowing if the next touch would bruise or soothe.

But this was different. There was something behind those cold grey eyes now, something that didn�t belong there. Affection, insanity, he wasn�t sure, but he suddenly knew that Wes actually meant it this time. He didn�t want to hurt him, didn�t want to play games. Wes actually wanted� to touch him, to make him feel good, because he had missed him. Just what had happened to the man when Duo had been learning how to heal his soul with the Yuy�s? Some people, like Quatre and Trowa, embraced love. They were born for it and when it touched them, they glowed so beautifully. To a man like Wes, love was like a poison. It killed, it made you insane. They didn�t know what to do with it. But then again, Duo didn�t really know what to do with it, either, the difference being that he actually craved it, while Wes was being forced to live with this weird feeling he had.

Wes wrapped one arm around Duo�s back pulling so closely that Duo�s chest and stomach were pressed against him and he could rest his head against him if he wanted to. He could feel the man�s heated erection rubbing against his belly, could feel the power of that arm holding him against his abductor like an iron rod. It felt terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. That arm could break his pathetic, slim body in half, but right now was carefully holding him in place. Wes grabbed Duo�s upper left leg with his other hand and lifted it slightly, enough to throw the longhaired boy completely off balance, his right toes barely touching the ground, making him feel like a kitten in the jaws of a pit bull. Duo struggled against his bindings for a minute, forgetting how tight they were and the damage he had already done to his arms, but old instincts told him not to protest verbally, to trust Wes not to let him fall and severely hurt his bound arms.

That thought nearly made him laugh. He never trusted Wes unless it was about him knowing what he was doing. That was the only way he could rely on the man, that he was the one in power, the one in control. It was like he had said, �don�t worry�. If Wes let him fall, it would be because he had messed up and Wes never made a mistake like that. He would never demonstrate that kind of weakness. It was beyond him. Then again, he had always thought that affection was beyond him, too, and he had been wrong. It wasn�t the affection that Name gave him, the kind that made his heart glow, but it was a lot better than the cold cruelty he was used to from Wes.

Because of Wes� height and the long length of his cock, he didn�t have to turn Duo around or even lift him up that much to press the head against his prepped entrance. Duo wrapped his fingers around the wires holding him, mindful that they didn�t cut him as he might need to use his lock-picking abilities later for all he knew, and squeezed his eyes shut. He realized then that there truly wasn�t anything he could do. It wasn�t just that he couldn�t beg Wes to stop or change his mind, or even that his hands were tied up. If he pulled on the wires too much, they could really do some damage to him. With his anemia, the cuts he already had were as deep as they could get without him impairing himself. They were a lot more affective than rope or even chains. He didn�t dare thrash against them any more than he already had or see if he could pull them loose, he might slip or miscalculate and bleed to death.

Duo waited, feeling the head of Wes� cock start to push against his ass hole, trying to brace himself for the thrust, which was going to hurt no matter how much Wes had prepped him. Ironically, it was the gentle push that he did with his hips which made that impressive length start to slide inside of him that startled him more than a harsh, immediate thrust would have. He gave out a sharp cry as Wes continued to push into him, more gently than he had ever done in his entire life. It felt strange to Duo. The cock inside of his ass felt familiar, but not the motion. The rubbing it was creating inside of him made him feel hot and prickly. He was subconsciously aware of his own arousal, but was too overwhelmed by Wes� odd behavior to give it too much thought.

�Nng,� Wes groaned loudly as he slid his cock deeper into Duo�s ass, �Fuck, you feel good.�

Duo felt like he was going to combust. This was completely different from what Chris had done. That had just been an act of violence, something completely expected, if incredibly painful, but what Wes was doing was making a cluster of emotions rise up in him. Confusion, arousal, shame, shock� he couldn�t focus on any one of them. He winced as he felt the length inside of him move in and out, feeling slick and intrusive. He could feel fluid dripping out of him, but for the first time, he knew it wasn�t blood. Wes had been too careful for that. Because of the position they were in, Wes couldn�t thrust his cock completely inside of him, the but the length of it that was in him was still overwhelming.

Wes buried his face in Duo�s neck and he could hear the blonde man panting into the crook of his neck and shoulder, making small, pleased noises as he stopped sliding in and out of the teenager slowly and started to thrust harder, faster, quickly loosing control. It was so unlike him. Even during sex, Wes had always had this tightly wound control, as though sex for him was more about submission than pleasure. Again, his words about missing him came back to Duo. He was just as abrasive as he had always been, taking what he wanted regardless of what Duo wanted, but he was gentle and attentive this time. For the first time, there was no pain, at least not in his body. But in his heart� because he didn�t know what to think and it all led back to that self-hatred again, to loathing his inability to take this at face value.

Wes was raping him. He should hate him for that, but the way he was touching him wasn�t terrible, not like how it used to be. Was he so desperate for some affection that he actually enjoyed this? He still felt violated, still felt disgusted and sick inside every time Wes touched him, the feeling of him inside of him� There was this little voice of doubt inside of him, asking him if he could even call this rape. Every time a man had forced himself on him, there had been some violence involved, a bruise, a hit, harsh words� No matter the person, eventually they had hurt him, eventually they had all proven to him that he wasn�t worth any kind of affection. All he was worth was a quick fuck and an act of assault. They might lie and say it was �love making� or that, just because they forced him to get an erection, that meant it was consensual, but he had always equated it to the first time Wes had raped him when he had been seven years old, that he was just too pathetic to try to fight back.

At some point, he had believed that that made it his fault, that if he got raped it was just because he was weak, that he deserved it, that his only purpose was to be a toy for those men, so he should just accept it, but whenever he had voiced that belief, Name had gotten such a pained look, not because it was the truth, but because it hurt her to know that he had ever thought that. He couldn�t think it now. She had told him, not just once, that it wasn�t his fault, he had just been a child, and just because he hadn�t been able to fight back didn�t mean it was consensual or that he had deserved it. Whether or not she was right, he had chosen to believe her, simply because something about it had felt right to him, had made that age old guilt and shame ease a little. It was better than believing that, just like Williams had said, he had no right to complain about anything that had happened to him, that he must secretly enjoy being raped since he had stopped trying to run away.

But was this really the same as that? Maybe it felt the same. He was tied up and helpless, and Wes didn�t really seem all that concerned about asking his permission or listening to his pleas to stop. So why didn�t it feel the same? Just because it made his body feel good, without actually being forced into it, because the touches were gentle for once? He couldn�t say that it hurt, or was entirely unpleasant, or even that Wes was doing this to humiliate him, to treat him like an object. It seemed like, for the first time in his life, Wes was looking at him like a human being. Wasn�t that the only thing he had ever wanted, for someone to see him, to care about him? And wasn�t Wes doing just that, saying that he missed him, that he loved him, that he wanted to make him feel good? Maybe the way he was going about it was wrong, but wasn�t it the thought that actually counted?

If he couldn�t even decide if this was rape or not, should he just� enjoy it? Should he just let Wes do whatever he wanted and accept it? Even if it made him feel sick inside, wasn�t it a whole lot better than be pinned face down to some bed, tied down and beaten like a trapped animal, just so Wes could get his rocks off? Just so he could prove, like he always did, that Duo was useless and powerless? And really, what did it matter? There was nothing he could do about it anyway. He didn�t even know what time it was, how much time had passed when he had been knocked out. He didn�t know what drug Wes had used on him, only that the sun had been out when he had woken up, chained to the table. That didn�t mean much. Had it just been enough time for Wes to get him to the apartment, or was this another day entirely?

�Heero and Name are going to freak out when they find out I�m missing,� he thought suddenly, then nearly burst out laughing.

It was such a random thought, especially in a moment like this, with his abductor�s cock deep inside of him, but he couldn�t help it. If it was yesterday, then they already knew that he was gone. And if it was still today, it didn�t matter because, sooner or later, Trowa and Quatre were going to figure out that he wasn�t home where he was supposed to be and call Name. Dammit, they really were going to go off the deep end when they figured out Wes had him� Duo had never met anyone as overprotective as Heero and Name, except for Shi. He knew that, once they figured out what had happened, Heero wouldn�t stop at anything to find him. That realization made his torn heart warm, thinking of Heero, after all the confusion and twisted feelings about Wes made him feel� calm and sure, confident.

Wes made him feel so many things; anger, shame, love, familiarity, depression, fear, this maddening swirl of feelings that made him feel like his very soul was being ripped apart. Trying to think and sort it all out just gave him a headache and made him want to cry because all he wanted to do was label Wes as one thing. Someone he wanted to punch in the face and run as far away from, a monster. Or the person who defined him, someone who loved him, a father. But his heart refused to decide and he kept getting swept away, lost in the dark of it. It was frustrating and devastating.

But Heero� Heero he was just as conflicted about, not sure whether he should just settle with being his best friend, or listen to his heart and try to find out if he could have more with him, if he should have more. But with Heero, he didn�t have that feeling like his brain was twisting and being worn down. When Heero looked at him, he didn�t feel afraid or conflicted. He felt safe. When he saw those blue eyes, he knew that it didn�t matter what he felt, Heero would be there for him. Heero might not love him, but he respected him and cared about him. He would always belong there, in that house. And now, he couldn�t even come to terms with the fact that he might never see him again. He knew he was in denial, that some subconscious part of himself was keeping him of truly thinking about it. And maybe that was a good thing. He would rather that Wes slit his throat right now than go down that path again. He couldn�t do that a second time, he didn�t have the strength.

He hoped that Heero hadn�t found out that he was gone yet. Maybe he should be hoping that he was out there, looking for him right now, because then he could hope for a miracle, but he didn�t. The second that Heero found out that he was in danger, he was going to be miserable. He was going to blame himself, like he had in Boston and when they had had that huge fight. The Japanese boy was going to drive himself insane looking for him, that was just his nature. Like a wolf looking for one of its missing pack mates, Duo knew that he wouldn�t give up and as nice and heartwarming as that was, it worried him. He wanted Heero to be happy. He was seeing his relatives for the first time in several months, even if it was over something stressful, and Duo wanted him to be blissfully ignorant and happy for as long as possible.

Fuck, had it really just been this morning that Name had ordered Duo to wake Heero up, and if he didn�t, he could do something nasty to him? Just this morning when he had teasingly threatened Heero with a glass of ice water, which he had actually gone upstairs with, just in case? Just this morning�

�I�m coming back,� Heero promised, squeezing Duo�s fingers.
　

The tears that had been on the verge of spilling did so now, tracking down Duo�s pale cheeks and he had to fight against sobbing. Wes was oblivious to his emotional state, thankfully. Duo had no idea what he would say or do if the blonde got angry because of it, how he would try to explain why he was crying. Just the morning, Heero had promised that he would back, had promised, in his own subtle way, that he would never abandon him. And he had believed him. Just this morning� it felt like days ago. That was probably going to be his last memory of his best friend, that gentle squeezing of his fingers, those sweet words� How could he possibly live without him? Whatever Wes was offering him, it wasn�t enough. It could never be enough. His new life was frightening, but so was the possibility of being away from Heero.

Duo was shocked out of his depressed thoughts as he felt one of Wes� hands curl around his cock, sending little shivers of pleasure through it and into his stomach. A little, shuddering breath left him at the feeling of rough fingers stroking his sensitive erection. The length inside of him hit that weird spot deep inside that always felt good, no matter how much pain he was in. He didn�t know why, if it was because it had been so long since he had an orgasm, because it was the first time anyone had sex with him like this, or just because he was under so much stress, but it only took two more strokes from Wes� hand for him to reach climax.

Duo didn�t know what he had been expecting. He had thought that� that if someone would make love to him, with all that gentle care and affection that he had heard about, he would finally understand why Quatre always blushed happily whenever Trowa teased him about it, or why some of Shi�s customers had been women. He had thought that a climax from that kind of sex had to be wonderful. But, when he came, it was just like it had always been. It felt good, on some physical level, but that was it. He didn�t feel happy about it and it didn�t really feel like anything special. It made him feel hollow inside, just like it always had.

Maybe Wes had been right, he thought as sadness and frustration filled him, maybe he didn�t deserve love. Maybe he wasn�t even capable of it. Nothing more than a hole to fuck� and maybe the only love he would feel was what he felt for Name and Heero, that of a child for a parent, or the love of a crush, not something he could act on. And, really, if this was what sex was, he didn�t care. He would have cried then at that realization, at the understanding that he was a freak. It wasn�t that sex didn�t feel good, it was that he was incapable of having it. To him, it just felt wrong and twisted, what little pleasure he got from it no more than the way you felt when got a back rub or finally scratched at an itch that had been bothering you for a long time. He would have cried, but all his energy left him and, more than sad, he felt tired. Tired in a way that had nothing to do with the physical at all. It was in his soul.

If Wes hadn�t been holding him up, Duo would have sliced his hands and arms wide upon as he fell limp against the wires, but he didn�t care, he barely even noticed. He could feel Wes pushing his body closer, could feel his strong hips moving against him as his fingers dug into his skin hard enough to bruise. His body was overly sensitive after his climax, and he could feel every little movement and brush, feeling like a strange kind of torture. Wes made a strange, tight sound, a mix between a tense grunt and a primal growl, then Duo felt his hot semen shooting inside of him. It was sudden and almost startling. Wes immediately pulled out of him and the feeling of the fat head of his cock spreading the ring of muscles of his entrance slightly sent a tiny shiver through his stomach. Duo hadn�t had a whole lot of sex in this position, standing straight up without being able to move his arms or legs very much, so the feeling of cum rushing out of him and down his legs was weird and unpleasantly warm given that the rest of him was cold.

Wes took a towel that had been dangling out of his back pocket and cleaned himself and Duo off as best he could. Duo was completely unprepared for when the tall man took the large hunting knife he often used from a sheath on his ankle and cut the wire holding up his arms above his wrists, making him fall and stumble to his knees. When Duo reoriented himself, Wes was suddenly there, kneeling in front of him and grabbed his chin, forcing Duo to look up at him.

�I want you to stay with me,� Wes said in that deep, growling way he would speak in when he was annoyed with something and was trying to be forceful.

Duo�s eyes widened. �I want you to stay with me,� not �You will stay with me�� and the grey eyed man looked so frustrated, so unsure of himself. Kind of like the way that Duo felt whenever he tried to figure out his feelings for Heero. It felt incredibly wrong, seeing Wes like that, seeing him so off balance, just because he was feeling something normal, something human. Wes stopped gripping Duo�s chin and instead cupped his cheek, his fingers caressing his soft skin.

�I promise,� Wes said softly, �as long as you stay with me, I won�t make you whore yourself ever again. You�ll just be mine. I�ll give you anything you�ll ever need, if you promise to never leave me again, to live with me forever. We can move away from this shit hole, we can go anywhere you want to go, just the two of us.�

Duo felt like he had fallen through a hole in the ground and had ended up in this strange, twisted alternate reality, because nothing that Wes had said could possibly have come out of his mouth. The Wes he knew would never suggest any of that! The Wes he knew was cold and cruel, he did what he did to have power over the people around him. He never would put any power in Duo�s hands. Wes had always made all the decisions, yet here he was putting their future in his hands. It didn�t make any sense. It didn�t make sense that he wouldn�t whore Duo out again, wouldn�t do all that he could to manipulate him for money, or just the perverse thrill of it. It especially didn�t make sense that Wes would suggest that, if Duo didn�t want to live in this town anymore, he would be willing to move.

Wes� entire empire was here. All his business contacts, money, and hierarchy was here. If they moved, he would be giving up everything he had worked so hard for! He wouldn�t be the big, badass boogieman that he had been for all of Duo�s life. He wanted to scream at the universe to stop. Just stop. Stop throwing these curve balls at him! Because he wanted to accuse Wes of slinging bullshit, that there was no way he would actually do any of those things, it wasn�t in his nature, but looking at him now, seeing the frantic desperation in those normally cold, grey eyes, Duo knew he wasn�t lying. Wes actually meant this, and that was far too dangerous.

To live with Wes, live with someone who loved him this much that they were willing to change their entire being, just to be with him� that was such a powerful thought. And really, what was so bad about it? Sure, Wes was still controlling, still violent, but he wouldn�t turn him into a prostitute. No matter what happened, he would never go back to that life of nightmares and darkness. Something deep inside of his heart unclenched and, just like when the feeling had returned to his arms, it hurt. It hurt a lot. He felt like he couldn�t breathe. So long ago, Name had promised him that he would never have to do that again for the rest of his life. He had thought that he believed her, but now he realized that while he had trusted her to keep him safe, he had always feared the inevitable.

All those years hearing Wes say that fucking was all that he was good for hadn�t blown away in just a few months living with Heero, Name, Quatre, and Trowa. Did he really believe that being a whore was all that he could be? No, Heero and Name had taught him that he could be so much more than gutter trash, but he still wondered if he could really separate himself from that old life. Who he had been back then and who he was now weren�t all that different. That scared, beaten person was still inside of him and he had never been able to surrender that fear of returning to spreading his legs for anyone that Wes told him to. Now, Wes was saying that he wouldn�t have to and finally, finally, that fear had let go of his heart. What Name hadn�t been able to give him, Wes had, and he hated that.

Wasn�t this what he wanted? Wasn�t this what the part of him that loved Wes had always hoped for? He could live with Wes, have that connection to his childhood, without hating himself, couldn�t he? If he went with Wes, couldn�t he have everything that he wanted? He could have the love he had always yearned for, and Wes wouldn�t try to hurt Heero or his friends. A roof over his head, a stable life� sure, he would have to have sex with Wes, but wasn�t this more comforting than the thought of going to college, trying to make something for himself, only to find out that he couldn�t? Only to find out how useless he really was, a failure� better to disappear than prove Wes right�
�I�m coming back.�
The memory of Heero�s voice shocked him out of his dazed, numb thoughts. What was he thinking? If he went with Wes, he would never see Heero again. He would rather be a whore again than not see his best friend. And not to see Name� maybe he thought of Wes as his father, but if that was true, than Name was his mother. How could he leave her behind? Did he really want to live with Wes? He was thinking that he was better, that telling him that he wouldn�t force him to do something that he didn�t want made him into a decent person� but really, that shouldn�t even be a choice! Name would never ask him to do that, Heero couldn�t even comprehend that there were men in the world that enjoyed making kids like him do stuff like that.

No matter his feelings about Wes� proposal, no matter how rare and strange it was, he didn�t want to disappear. He didn�t want to go back to how he felt around Wes, never knowing if he was going to hit him or not. He wanted to go to school with Heero, he wanted to have discussions about stupid movies with Trowa. He didn�t want to lost Wes, but he didn�t want to lose his friends, either. His heart was confused, and desperate, incapable of knowing what it actually wanted, his past or his future, but he knew that he couldn�t cope without Heero and Name.

�No,� Duo told Wes with a tone that sounded brazen, unless you noticed how badly his hands were shaking, how terrified he was to stand up to the larger man, �I won�t go with you. I�ve had a life with you for eight years, but I owe the Yuy�s more than I have ever owed you. They saved my life, paid for my hospital bills, and took care of me all these months. I won�t run off with you, without so much as letting them know what�s happened to me. I can�t do that to them, I can�t let them worry about me like that.�

The rage that entered Wes� eyes was indescribable, more intense and chaotic than any fit of anger Duo had ever seen from the man. It was like watching a sudden, violent storm gather in a sky that had, just seconds ago, been clear and peaceful. If Duo had the courage to move at all, he would have run for the back corner of the closet and curled up into a tight ball, like he had so often as child when Wes had been pissed off. However, as shameful as that action would have been, the only thing that kept him from doing that was his overwhelming fear, like looking a shark in its black eyes, knowing you should try to get as far away as possible, but you were frozen in place, too terrified to make a move.

Wes grabbed him by the neck so fast, even though Duo had been waiting for some kind of retaliation, he was unprepared for it. That hand was like steel around him, closing tight enough to make him pant for breath and realize just how serious Wes was about hurting him, but not enough that he couldn�t breathe at all. Not that that mattered as he felt the deadly sharp blade of Wes� knife being pressed against his throat, at the exact spot where Chris had cut him. Duo felt the knife cut into his skin, just a tiny bit, just a little bit worse than a cut from shaving, not even enough to scar. He could feel the blood trickle down his neck in a small stream, but Wes didn�t press the blade any harder.

Like a nightmare, he flashed back to Boston when Chris had been threatening him in this exact way, that strange contrast between the cold metal of a knife and the warmth of his own blood on his skin. He remembered realizing his own mortality with such realness that, for a moment, he had a hard time separating that moment from this one. It was only the feeling of carpet under his bare legs and Wes� unique smell that kept him from spiraling into his own memories. He dared to look into Wes� eyes and instantly wished that he hadn�t. Most people, when they were truly, truly angry, their eyes lit up with this intense fire. Wes�, although filled with fury, were cold and hard. Duo had expected him to scream at him when he had denied him, to remind him of his debt, to demand to know why he was choosing the Yuy�s over him, but there was nothing. Wes was completely silent and that scared Duo more than the anger. It was that silence that told him he was about to die.

Death. It was something that had completely consumed his thoughts when he had been younger. When you lived on the streets, where every minute could be the last one you ever experienced, death was something that you lived with, as common and present as rats and rotten food. But it was just something that was there, something eventual. Maybe he had thought about it every now and then during those times, wondering what his own death would be like, if he would be tortured by some other street kid or gang member, or maybe he would just starve to death or freeze in the winter. He, like everyone else without homes or security, had wondered those things, but it hadn�t been until he had met Wes that he had actually contemplated death.

Those first few years living as a whore under Wes� thumb, Duo had battled with himself, trying to decide if he was going to end his own life or endure what the blonde had done to him. He had worried at it like a dog with a bone. Every little hurt, every insult, every time he had to open his mouth or his legs for someone, he had thought �wouldn�t death be better than this?� Duo had realized at a very young age that he didn�t believe in Heaven or Hell. Although Sister Helen had often read him stories of such places, he had never believed that your soul went somewhere else when you died. After living on the streets and seeing what really happened to the body when you died, the decay, insects and rats and feral dogs and cats, and sometimes even people, if they were desperate enough, feeding on your flesh� how could he believe in the holiness of heaven when, to him, it had looked exactly like a piece of meat past its prime?

So, Duo had held no illusions that, if he did kill himself, that meant he would be going to someplace better, or even someplace worse. Rather, he had just seen it as a release, a way to get rid of all the pain, emotional and physical, that he was feeling. He often wondered, if he had never met Solo and the others, if he would have taken that final plunge one day. If not being able to talk to another human being would have made everything pile up until his heart was completely run over, infected. In the end, he hadn�t accepted that life was better or that, if he simply endured, eventually things would work out. The opposite had happened. Instead of gaining faith in something better, he had lost faith in everything. He had stopped dancing with death and had simply� accepted it. He had accepted his crappy life and the realization that nothing was going to change, nothing was going to get better. Death wouldn�t help. Ceasing to exist wouldn�t make the pain go away. He wouldn�t even be aware that the pain had stopped, he wouldn�t be aware anything, and how was that any better than living with a monster?

But all that seemed so far away, such a long time ago. Logically, it had only been months ago, but he no longer looked at death as a release. It was hard sometimes, living with his memories, but his life wasn�t so terrible anymore and he had no desire to leave it behind for nothingness. It was annoyingly ironic that, now that he actually liked his life, he was probably going to die. Wes� confession of love, his admittance that he wanted to live the rest of his life with Duo, those things meant nothing in the face of Wes� rage. Just because Wes claimed to love him, it didn�t mean that the blonde wasn�t going to kill him if he pissed him off. He knew very well that Wes wasn�t exactly logical, and lately, he had gotten even worse. When they had first met, he had said that if Duo kept fighting him, kept running away, he was going to kill him. It had taken him five months, but it looked like Wes was finally going to fulfill that promise.

Duo jerked his head to the side as much as he dared to without getting very badly cut. If he was going to die, he didn�t want the last thing he saw to be those cold, uncaring eyes looking at him like he was a bug trapped under a glass, as though those eyes could see every inch of him, down to his soul and most secret thoughts. It was wrong, he told himself. But was it really? Wes knew him better than anyone else did, even Heero. He knew about all those dark moments in his life. Did Wes also know how he felt about Heero and that was why he hated him so much? But there was another difference between Heero and Wes. Wes knew him. Heero understood him. Heero understood what those dark moments had done to him, he understood what to do when he was sad, he even understood why he was scared of the dark and tried to help him. Wes might know what Duo was feeling, but he didn�t know what to do with that knowledge. Or he just didn�t care.

Thinking about Heero now, when he was sure his throat was about to get cut and he was going to die, drowning in his own blood, made tears start to flow. He tried to bite them down, to get just one sliver of pride before he died, but he couldn�t stop them. He didn�t want to die, didn�t want to end his life in this stupid, fucking closet when Heero was probably an ocean away! He especially didn�t want to die at Wes� hand, when there was so much he hadn�t done! He wasn�t even thinking about going to college or making something of himself. It was the little things that were bothering him. He hadn�t told Solo and Shi what had happened to him. Hadn�t spent his first summer vacation with his friends. Hadn�t told Heero that he loved him� Duo felt himself tremble as he waited for the grotesque feeling of the sharp blade slicing through his neck and couldn�t stop, the fear overwhelming him.

Wes tightened his grip around Duo�s thin, white neck as he pinned him to the wall and pressed the knife a little bit deeper, though still not enough to really do much damage. Human life was so pathetically worthless, he thought as he admired how bright Duo�s blood looked against his white skin. All he had to do was push the knife into his neck, and that was it. Everyone moaned about how �sacred� life was, but if it was so special, why could he destroy it so easily? He didn�t even need the knife. All he had to do was squeeze this thin neck hard enough to wring the breath from him. It was as easy as that. For some reason, that thought made him feel� strange. He had never had a problem with killing, with doing what needed to be done, but for some reason, with this boy, it gave him this weird, prickling feeling in his stomach.

Duo was just� different. Beautiful. Wes had found boys like that before, pretty ones that stayed pretty even when they grew up. A lot of the boys he picked up were cute at first, but once puberty hit, they lost that boyish quality, the wide eyes and small bodies. No matter how pretty they had been, they grew up and by then, Wes had grown bored of all of them. That usually happened when he was done training them. It had never happened with Duo. The boy he had found on an off chance on the street had only grown more and more attractive. His reactions to things, his strength had always surprised Wes, even after all the years of training child whores.

That� interest had perverted him. He had taken Duo in as a means to an ends, just another piece of property to profit off on. When had that changed? Wes didn�t know. All he knew was that that prickly feeling wouldn�t let him live without the kid and hearing him say that he was going to go live with those rich, stuck-up shits made him want to hurt him right back. He knew what he should do. He should slit his throat. If any other whore had stood up to him, had spoken to him in that hateful tone of voice, regardless of what the words had actually been, he would have taken them out. He had no use for a disobedient bitch. But Duo was different. He wouldn�t tolerate that tone from him, either, but something was keeping him from pressing the knife any deeper. It should be so easy, something he had done hundreds of times, but he knew this neck too well and just couldn�t force himself to slice into it, to destroy it.

It was a weakness, a terrible weakness. If he killed this boy, would these stupid feelings go away, would he continue like he always had? Or would it just get worse? Logic told him that the only way for things to get back to normal was to get Duo back in his life. Beyond that, the weakness inside of him literally refused to let him kill him. That weakness made him feel sick when he thought about it, a feeling he had never really experienced before. Although he could just force the violet eyed kid to come with him, Duo had just shown him that he could run away from him. He would have to get him to agree to come back to him, or he would just try to run again. That realization, that he couldn�t control him anymore, infuriated him. Wes studied Duo�s neck, analyzing the best place to cut, the best place to cause pain. That was the way he had to do it, just like old times. He nearly smirked. Just like when he was a kid, he would have to hurt him until he did what he said. It was that simple.

There were a hundred different ways he could do it. He wouldn�t even have to scar him that badly. He knew all the parts of the body that Duo hurt the worst, knew all the things he was afraid of. It would be easy to get him to agree with him, just using this knife and steel wire. Just a few light cuts, to make them sting and burn, maybe some vinegar and salt, and he could heat the knife on the stove. He had done that to him a few times, like the first time he had tried to run away, when he had sliced up the bottom of his feet. Duo hated it when he hurt his feet, and also his stomach and hands. Wes started to press the knife deeper, ready to leave a long, but not too serious, cut there, when he noticed for the first time that Duo was trembling. Wes frowned as he actually looked at his captive and realized that he was silently crying in the way that the boy often did, knowing how much he hated sobbing.

That prickling feeling in his stomach exploded and swallowed up his resolve to cut that fair neck. Duo�s tears had always annoyed him, but this time, seeing him so scared and crying because of him, it made the hand holding the knife feel weak. He couldn�t do it, Wes realized angrily, repulsed by his sudden weakness in the face of one boy�s tears. He couldn�t cut him. Couldn�t hurt him. The anger rose in him like and tide and he wanted nothing more than to viciously stab the knife into Duo�s stomach over and over again, but he couldn�t do anything. Even his anger couldn�t force him to do it. With an irritated growl, Wes withdrew the blade from Duo�s neck. He slowly released his tight grip around the boy�s neck, admiring how the bruised imprints from his fingers looked.

Duo looked at Wes sharply. At first, he was sure that this was a trick, some way to manipulate him, that Wes only wanted him to think that he was going to spare him, then do something terrible to him. But when he looked at the blonde, he saw him re-sheath his knife. He felt like he was going to die from shock alone. Wes never changed his mind about anything, especially when he was pissed off. It wasn�t even that Wes had changed his mind about killing him, Duo had disobeyed. That was the worst thing to do to Wes. When he killed a mule for selling his drugs on the side, or a whore for trying to hide money they had got from a john, it wasn�t because they were trying to take profit from him, it was always because they had gone against him. It was the one thing the man couldn�t stand.

Every logical thought told Duo that he should be in pain right now. Wes had desperately asked him to leave the Yuy�s, to come back to him, and he had told him no, yet Wes hadn�t even struck him over that. Hell, he had beat the crap out of him that time he had snuck out of the apartment to go on a field trip to the local art museum that he needed to go on to pass a class, and he hadn�t even had any jobs that day. This seemed so much worse than that, but Wes had just� backed off. It struck him then, worse than anything that Wes could have done to him. Worse than death. Wes had changed. Saying that he loved him, wanting him to live with him, those things meant nothing in the face of this. At the core of who Wes was, was always violence. He had shot him just to prove a point. He had sent Chris to kill him and Heero. He had threatened him with a gun, drugged him, and kidnapped him to bring him here. Compared to that, the other changes seemed so small and trivial.

Then, Wes had been� gentle with him. He still couldn�t understand that. And now this. He could almost forget that Wes had kicked him earlier just from moving too much. It was like he was bipolar or something. The thing was, if Wes had changed enough to not hurt him just for telling him no, he should be happy about it. Wasn�t that what he wanted from the man that was the only father he had ever known? If Wes didn�t hit, didn�t force him to do all those terrible things, wasn�t he just like a normal dad? He wanted to believe that. Something deep in his heart hurt with that assumption, but he couldn�t figure out why. It didn�t make him happy, though. It horrified him. Because� for awhile now he had had something to be proud of. He wasn�t as quiet and repressed as he had been, wasn�t quite as anxious. He didn�t flinch when one of his friends touched him. He didn�t constantly doubt himself and assume that he didn�t deserve things. He had started to believe that maybe, just maybe, he could leave some of his past behind him.

Then, Wes had come back into his life, had dragged him back here, and now he was falling back into all those old patterns, back into that darkness and hopelessness. He had to force himself to remember that there were good people, people that loved him, that were going to be looking for him, had to force himself not to simply nod and do whatever Wes wanted, just like in the past. He hadn�t changed. He had just been trying to deny this part of himself, had been trying to forget that he had ever been in this place. But now that he was back, it was like he was in a fog. He couldn�t think and all he could do was turn back into that person he had been for the past eight years. Lonely, alone, forgotten� even if that wasn�t true, he suddenly felt that way. If he had really changed, shouldn�t he be trying to fight that harder? The truth was that he hadn�t changed, but Wes had. That realization devastated him right to the core of his heart.

He had to get out of here. He suddenly realized that the longer he stayed here, the more things about his other life, the one that Name had given him, he was going to lose, going to forget. The longer he stayed here, more and more of his old self was going to emerge. Duo didn�t waste time regaining his feet and tackling forward, trying to aim for the space between Wes and the open door. Wes was just as prepared for his frantic attempt for freedom and quickly shoved him backwards, sweeping Duo�s feet off the ground with one of his own. Wes hit the back of his feet so hard, Duo fell, not on his butt, but on his back. Pain shot through his back, ribs, and neck as he hit the hard floor and his breath whooshed out of him. He was so busy trying to regain the concept of up and down, and getting air back into his lungs that when Wes grabbed his wrists again, pulling him upright, he was too dizzy and confused to try to fight back.

The blonde took the slack of the wire that was still tied around Duo�s wrists and tied it around a hook on the wall near the door that was at the same height as the door knob that was used to hang hats or umbrellas. His one shot at freedom dying, Duo cried out in frustration and tried to pull on his restraints, hoping that the hook might give out of the wall, forgetting the sharpness of the wires.

�Fucking stay still!� Wes snarled at him, grabbing the front of Duo�s white shirt and pulling him forward enough that the length of the wire stayed slack instead of tight and he didn�t hurt himself.

The familiarity of that tone of impatience, the one that always demanded instant obedience was like a punch to the face. Duo stilled, his panic ebbing away in the face of fear. It wouldn�t have mattered, he realized in a moment of sanity. Even if he had made it past Wes, he knew he wouldn�t have escaped. Wes was careful and meticulous. Duo was sure that he had put the chain on the front door or something like that. That extra second getting the chain off would have been his undoing. He might be faster than Wes, but Wes was taller and could gain more ground. Duo had this horrifying image of getting to the door, maybe even getting it open, only to have Wes� hand emerge from the darkness behind him, like some childish monster, and drag him backwards.

�Don�t move or I�ll tie it so it hurts,� Wes warned.

Duo didn�t even contemplate the possibility that Wes was lying as he took two more lengths of wire from his pocket. The length of the wire was long enough that he could rest his arms down and feeling was starting to return to them, like prickling needles, making them hurt even more. Wes knelt behind him, where Duo couldn�t see, and shoved his legs apart with his knees. The longhaired boy blushed darkly. This new position was embarrassing, not to mention made his back hurt more. It was ridiculous, given that Wes had just fucked him, but he felt more self-conscious, especially with his ex-guardian behind him, probably ogling him or something.

It was bad enough that he hadn�t cleaned his ass very well and with his legs spread like this, it was making the cum drip out of him faster. He tried to clench down on it, but it was too awkward. His t-shirt was just long enough that he wasn�t completely exposed, but he still wished Wes would put his jeans back on. As embarrassing as it was, being manhandled this way, like he was an animal instead of person, positioned exactly in the way Wes wanted him, was familiar. This was the Wes that he remembered. He bore with it as his tormentor grabbed his legs, spreading the apart even further, wrapping a wire around each of his ankles, tying the left wire to the jam on the bottom of the door that could be pushed to the left to keep the door from closing shut, and the right around an umbrella stand that was made out some kind of metal that was too heavy for Duo to move with just that leg.

The wires kept his legs spread, he couldn�t pull them closed no matter how hard he tried, and forced him to put all of his weight on his knees. Even if he leaned back, his butt didn�t touch the floor, making it uncomfortable, but not actually painful. Although, if Wes left him in this position for very long, his legs and lower back were going to hurt as much as his arms did now. As Wes finished tying his right ankle, his hand traveled up Duo�s bare leg, tracing each curve as though it was the first time he had ever had the opportunity to touch it, then he harshly grabbed Duo by his long, chestnut hair, tugging sharply.

�One last chance,� Wes warned, �I�ll untie you and let you out of this closet. Tell me you won�t run away, that you�ll stay with me.�

Duo�s heart thundered in his chest, stray thoughts like buzzing bees begging him to say yes, because they knew what came next, something that he was trying very hard to not consciously think about, but his heart twisted and ached at what would happen if he did say yes. He shook his head.

�No,� he whispered, but this time his voice was shaky and less sure.

Wes stood up and left the closet, slamming the door behind him. What little light had been in the small space turned to darkness. The little sliver of it under the door seemed pitiful, like a flickering flame in a high wind. The darkness wrapped itself around Duo and he breathed harder and harder, starting to hyperventilate. He screamed for Wes, begged for him to come back over and over until his throat became sore, until he started to sob. His stomach contorted and Duo had to squeeze his eyes shut to keep from throwing up. He told himself that he wasn�t in darkness, his eyes were just closed, and when he opened them, there would be light. Hysteria started to build up inside of him and he pulled at his bindings, but it only made his ankles bleed.

Out in the hall, there was a soft click and the light from under the door vanished. Then, there was only silence.
　

　

End Part 8
　

I swear this story is going to be the death of me. To gain a little perspective, I still have eight pages of notes before I�m going to leave this story to work on Incubus Lessons (remember, three sentences of notes equals about ten to twenty pages of story), so updates are going to continue on for awhile. Fun fact, with this latest part, TRTK has now (not including author�s notes and footnotes) reached the two thousand page mark (just text equals 642,768 words), and it�s all thanks to those that have reviewed and inspired me to keep going with this monster of a story. Just looking at that number makes me sleepy.
Pikeebo: Well, I think you�re being too harsh on Trowa here. His going along with Duo�s plan was about 25 percent him really wanting to have that date with Quatre and 75 percent agreeing with Duo�s assessment that this was something he needed to do. Would Trowa have agreed with it if it had been Quatre? Hell no, but you always see things different when it�s the person you love on the line. Was it the right choice? Probably not, in this case. But you�re right, Trowa is going to have a whole lot of issues when he finds out what�s happened. Your GPS comment made me laugh, because when I was writing this part, I kept thinking that Duo should have been tagged like how some people do to their cats and dogs ^_^
Loverofyaoi: is Wes more talkative now? That is a very complicated question. If you look back, Wes didn�t really talk a whole lot unless he was pissed at Duo for something, and right now, he�s perpetually pissed. Wes has always had this tight control over everything, so his voice wasn�t needed, but now it�s all unraveling, so his personality is really chaotic. He�s also trying to convince Duo to stay with him, but he�s so sociopathic, he has no idea that even his attempts to be more human are pretty twisted and manipulative. And who says that Duo is going to be found by Name and Heero? With this story, it could go in any sort of direction�
Winnie: I�ve encountered this problem with Name several times now. The issue is that having her put a hit on Wes would put her in this moral quagmire, especially with Duo who is so strongly against any kind of violence. Hell, he went off on Heero for beating up that one kid in the earlier chapters for threatening him, and Name knows that making Wes disappear is going to have some serious consequences for Duo (morally and with Wes� �connections�). But given their current situation, she might reconsider her stance on that.
I also want to thank Freddie Freeloader and rebekah5220 for their kind reviews.
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The Road to Kindness