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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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The Road to Kindness

Chapter 8

Part 10
　

　

After leaving the police station, and making a phone call to a person she had never actually contacted before, after an inner, moral but useless debate about going down that particular avenue, Name spent two hours driving around the town, trying to spot either a familiar braid, or someone who might fit Wes� description before finally conceding that there was only so much she could search in the dark like this. What she really needed was to ask around, either try to find someone who had seen Wes, or that boy that had helped point Heero in the right direction before. At two in the morning, there weren�t many people walking around and she doubted any of them would want to talk to her, so she headed home.

She was surprised to see that both Heero�s and her own cars were in the garage and wondered what trick Trowa had used to get her son to come back early. When it came to Duo, Heero truly had a stubborn streak to the point of self-negligence and she hadn�t expected him to stop looking until she had had to drag him back home. The lights were on in the kitchen and she could smell the familiar scent of coffee. She shook her head as she locked the door behind her and made her way down the hall. She knew she should probably chastise Heero for drinking caffeine this late, but doubted that any of them would be getting much sleep anyway. At least, she knew that she would be tossing and turning with restlessness and bad dreams for a good, long time.

Again Name was surprised, this time with finding Trowa sitting at the kitchen table, drinking from a porcelain mug instead of her son. She didn�t hear anyone moving upstairs, but assumed that that was where he was. Trowa looked up at her, nodding in greeting, and she quickly realized just how tired he was. His green eyes were nearly half-lidded as he looked at her and she could clearly see dark circles under them. Beyond that, the tall Italian just looked� weary. He looked just about how she felt.

�I take it that you didn�t have any luck, either?� she said in a dry drawl, walking over to the coffee machine, thankful to see that Trowa had been considerate and had made enough for her.

�Nothing,� Trowa murmured, taking a sip of his coffee, �I found the apartments he was hanging out around last time, but he wasn�t on any of the balconies and all of the entrances were boarded up. Heero went looking around the back roads that we�ve walked a few times to get back home. Some teenaged boys remembered seeing a girl with a chestnut braid on that last back road before you hit this street. It could be Duo and they just mistook him for a girl, or it could have just been a girl that happened to have hair similar to Duo�s, we can�t be sure.�

Name sat down across from Trowa with her black coffee, taking a tiny drink of it. It was fairly bitter without any cream or sugar, but she had always liked it this way. Besides, it fit her current mood.

�So, we can�t even assume that he made it that far,� she concluded, �Although, if Duo got onto that last back street, he had to have been taken from there if no one saw him on our street. If that�s true, surely someone had to have seen it happen.�

Trowa shrugged.

�Not necessarily. It was too late for lunch, too earlier for anyone going home, and it was a back street. I doubt there were many people around, and if there were, they would mostly be those on errands. People like that are usually so busy thinking about groceries or things they need to do when they get home and are in their own little world. People can be pretty oblivious to things around them, even a kidnapping. Or, if they did see something, a lot times they�re too scared to say anything. I doubt they would talk to us about it. Even without people knowing who he is and what he is capable of, Wes is a damn scary man,� he shivered, remembering that night in the woods when he had met Wes for the very first time.

Name cupped her hands around her mug of coffee, feeling the heat soaking through to her fingers, not having realized just how cold she felt. She tried very hard not to think about how Duo was at the mercy of that �damn scary man.�

�So, did you make the call?� Trowa suddenly asked, looking somehow cat-like as he peered over at her.

Name�s dark eyes widened in shock at his question.

�You aren�t supposed to know about that,� she accused.

Trowa nonchalantly took another sip of his coffee.

�Just because I practically grew up in a trailer doesn�t mean I�m an idiot,� he quipped dryly, �Quatre�s father had a man that he would contact whenever something went� wrong. He tried to keep it from Quatre, but when people who threaten the Winner family suddenly end up dead or missing, it doesn�t take a genius to figure it out.�

Name sighed, running a hand through her short hair.

�I�ve never actually used this connection like that,� she confessed.

�Well, you and Mr. Winner aren�t exactly cut from the same cloth,� Trowa pointed out, �They�re just a cross between private investigators and mercenaries, men like Winner can justify using them, but that�s all they are. Still, if you think that this person can help find Duo��

�That�s only half of what I requested from him,� Name murmured, �I advised him to go through legal channels with all of this, but what I want is for Wes to be incapable of hurting Duo ever again. If he has to kill him in order for that to happen��

�And you�re ok with that?� Trowa asked, more curious than shocked by her admission.

Name�s expression was more guilty than convinced as she looked at him.

�I don�t know,� she admitted softly, �All that matters is Duo�s safety. As long as Wes holds any power over him, I can�t prioritize my own feelings and morality. I�ve always looked down on people who take hits out on their enemies like this, I�ve always believed that we should only act within the law, so maybe it is hypocritical of me, but I can�t risk Duo�s welfare. In reality, I should have made that call months ago.�

�I know this is a big deal for you,� Trowa said in a soothing tone, �and regardless of the decision you�ve made, struggling with it proves the kind of person you are, but realistically, I don�t even think that making that call, or going to the police is going to make much of a difference in getting Duo back.�

�You�re underestimating my connections,� Name said just a tiny bit defensively, �I may have never contacted him for a hit, but he�s a very good private investigator.�

�I�m sure he is, but while Wes doesn�t have your level of wealth and power, he�s a survivor. He�s used to making do with subversion and violence. After all these years, he�s never been caught and there has to be a reason for that. The most we can hope for is that he gets some kind of clue to where Wes is, I doubt he�ll be able to take him out,� he told her.

�He�s just a man,� Name argued, �I have to hope that doing something against my nature is going to make some kind of difference! I have to hope that we can save him��

�And what if it doesn�t come down to that?� Trowa asked, feeling hopeless, �What if, no matter how much we search, we can�t find him, or anyone who has seen him?�

Name felt something very cold and very hard wrap around her heart at that statement. What would they do if they couldn�t find Duo? She didn�t even want to contemplate that possibility, that she might fail her charge. That was unacceptable. She had promised Duo that she would take care of him, and there was no way she would accept giving up on him.

�We won�t stop searching,� she said with conviction, �Somehow, we�ll find him. It seemed impossible the last two times, but we found him anyway.�

Trowa smiled and nodded to her. He knew how hopeless, how painful and difficult it was going to be, trying to find Duo when they had no leads and very little time to locate him. He didn�t want to think about it in those terms, that they had to find him before Wes hurt or killed him, but he had to be realistic. Wes had already had him for hours now, had probably already hurt him, at the very least raped him� that thought made him feel so frantic, so twisted up inside, but what else could he think? Name hadn�t met Wes, she didn�t realize how insane the man was, hadn�t seen the blonde look at Duo like a bastard mix between a father and a lover. If Chris, who was so much more impartial, had assaulted Duo in front of Heero, how could he possibly think that Wes wouldn�t take advantage of his friend, now that he had him to himself?

He wished that he had some sense of time, some idea of what Duo was going through right now, so he could know if they dared even sleep tonight. He didn�t want to believe that Wes so insane that he would consider killing Duo for whatever reason, or to badly hurt him. He had claimed to love Duo, but Trowa knew first hand how worthless love was coming from a man like Wes. His uncle had said things like that, but he had still easily hurt him. He had learned that words like that were hollow, that only someone�s actions mattered. Just because Wes thought he loved Duo, it didn�t mean he wouldn�t kill him if Duo provoked him, or worse, if they got to close to finding him. After all, he had shot him even when Duo hadn�t done anything to piss him off.

Trowa remembered, very clearly, what Duo had looked like in the hospital. Besides his more obvious injuries, including his ruptured spleen and the excessive bleeding, Duo had been practically covered in bruises and marks and Trowa had no doubt that most of those had been because of the blond sociopath. That he thought he cared for Duo at all was laughable. Beyond the fact that Wes was likely to snap sooner or later, Trowa had another reason to believe that they were in a race against time. Because of people scamming pharmacies for drugs, Duo only had one bottle of his prescribed medication.

Sure, the pills he took to do what his spleen could no longer do weren�t something that anyone could take to get high, but the medication was very expensive, especially at black market prices, so he never took it with him unless he had to. Trowa knew for a fact that if he went to the upstairs bathroom, all of Duo�s medication would be in the cabinet. He had read up on the medication Duo was taking and knew that he could last about three days before he got three really sick, but he was also anemic and Trowa didn�t know how to calculate that into the time it would take for Duo�s system to be affected.

If they didn�t find him in the next three days, what Wes did to him might now matter by then. He didn�t want to bring it up to Name or Heero, didn�t want their judgment to become clouded with how dire the situation was. He was sure that they knew anyway. Despite all of that, despite knowing that there was nearly no hope of finding Duo, of getting to him in time, Trowa found Name�s confidence reassuring. If there was anyone in the world who could find Duo based on willpower alone, he was sure it would be Name. Well, and Heero. Even back when Heero had been pissed at him, he had managed to find him. Sure, he had had help, but Trowa was positive that, even without that, Heero never would have given up looking. He just hoped that it would be enough this time.

�Enough,� Name patted his hand, �We�ll think more clearly about this in the morning.�

�Right,� he murmured and relinquished his empty cup of coffee to Name, who brought both of them over to the sink to be washed, �Heero wants to go look for that blonde man who helped him find Duo before tomorrow. I was thinking about contacting Mr. Khushrenada, ask him exactly what happened yesterday before Duo left the school. Maybe he can also ask around and find out what other students usually take the bus back home.�

�That�s a good idea,� Name agreed, �The more information we get about what happened after Duo left school, the more likely we�ll find someone who might have seen what had happened when he was kidnapped.�

The two of them said their good nights to each other, but neither held any illusions that they were actually going to get much sleep that night, and it would have absolutely nothing to do with the caffeine.
*****
When Trowa had called Heero to come home earlier than his mother�s imposed curfew, he had wanted to be pissed at him. At the time, it had been in him to ignore him entirely, and keep on looking for his friend, but that had mostly been because he hadn�t wanted to admit it, either to himself or Trowa, or even his mother, just how fruitless his search had been. Not only had he not found a single clue as to where Wes had taken Duo, he hadn�t found the blonde man that Duo was friends with, either. It really shouldn�t have been hard. In his mind, he could still see him, as clearly as he could back then. He remembered, vividly, how the blonde had scared him, only to give him such a gift, without asking anything more than his name.

The man had been even taller than Trowa was and the only thing that had seemed more threatening than his size and the imposing aura he had seemed to project had been his intense, blood colored eyes. Between those things and his long, golden hair, just as long and straight as Zechs� and Mrs. Khushrenada�s, it should have been fairly simple to go back to the last place he had seen him and just ask around until someone recognized his description of the blonde, perhaps could even give him a name, but although he had managed to find a few people walking around at this hour, they had either outright refused to talk to him, which he wasn�t surprised about, given that it had been a pretty bad neighborhood, or hadn�t recognized his description.

Although, thinking back, Heero wondered if he could really trust that. He was an �old friend� of Duo�s, like Amaaya, so he was either a street kid or a prostitute, or both. With those eyes� all that maturity and roughness that had made him look older than he probably was� it was the same way that Duo looked sometimes and Heero doubted that Duo would have made friends with a drug dealer or someone with a similar profession who would be hanging around a neighborhood like that, considering the contempt he had for the things that Wes did to make money. He wondered if anyone from that same neighborhood would help a rich brat like him find a prostitute. After seeing Amaaya and Duo together, he had easily concluded that that bunch looked after their own, and anyone else would probably too scared of the blonde to tell him anything.

Was it really hopeless? Heero didn�t want to believe that. No, he couldn�t believe it. He just couldn�t bring himself to accept the possibility that he would never find Duo, that he might never see him again. It was a terrible thing to think, but he would rather discover Duo in the hospital, in a coma or something, than with Wes. After everything the man had done to his friend, Heero wasn�t so sure if they would be able to bring Duo back this time, mentally and not just physically. Things had gotten so bad when Wes had just showed up again, what would happen if he had really kidnapped him? What would happen if they couldn�t find him?

Heero held no illusions that, the longer Wes had Duo, the more the American was going to break apart. Duo wouldn�t survive going back to the man permanently. He was either going to check out mentally, or physically, either through Wes� neglect or his own hand. That thought made him shudder, but what else could he think? They had to find him, Heero refused to accept any other outcome. If they didn�t� he would be letting Duo down again, he would be letting himself down. He had made a promise to himself to be stronger, to protect Duo from Wes no matter what, to never let what had happened in Boston, neither them almost dying or how he had reacted to the situation afterwards, to ever happen again. But it had happened again. Duo was hurt and alone and no matter how much he tried to not think it, he had to wonder what he could possibly do.

Again, he felt completely powerless. Wes was strong and smart and against him, Heero felt like a dumb little kid. What could he possibly do? All he had was his stubbornness, his mother�s connections, and his absolute love for Duo. That might sound like a pretty thing, but all it gave him was willpower. In reality, love wasn�t enough. What it meant was that he would never stop looking, even if it took years, but it still didn�t give him any clues as to where Wes was, or how to protect Duo from him. Even if they found him, could they stop the man from hurting him again, from coming after him? Would they have to resort to killing, just to keep Duo safe? He had no problem with that, but he knew Duo and he knew that, as much as Duo hated Wes, seeing him dead, seeming him dead because of them, because they needed to protect him, would break his heart.

Partially it was because of Duo�s uncompromising morals. He just couldn�t accept that it ok to kill someone. To Duo, life was so sacred, every life, even a life like Wes�. He had this incredible fear of becoming the man, he couldn�t distinguish between the terrible things Wes had done and killing to protect himself. The thing that he feared more than that, was turning all of them into killers. Heero hadn�t heard what they had actually discussed, but he knew that when Wufei had come over that time after Wes had attacked them in the woods, Duo had become very upset and Heero knew him enough to know they had probably talked about Wufei being unable to kill Wes when he had had the chance to.

Wufei had felt so guilty about that. He had felt that he should have killed Wes, and that anything that happened to Duo afterwards must be his fault, for not stopping Wes beforehand, but Heero knew that Duo didn�t feel that way at all. In his mindset, if Wufei had pulled the trigger, it would have been as though Duo had turned him into a murderer and that mere thought had horrified him. Heero was also well aware, though it was something that scared him and he didn�t like thinking about, all about Duo�s conflicted feelings about his past abuser.

Trowa had told him that, considering Duo�s life on the streets and the nature of Wes� abuse, it wasn�t all that shocking that Duo felt connected to the man, that for victims of both sexual and physical abuse, feelings of both hatred and love weren�t uncommon, so the best they could do was be supportive and not try to admonish Duo for feeling that way, but it was hard. Heero wanted nothing more than to hurt Wes in all the ways the blonde had hurt his best friend, and, really, if he ever found himself in the room with Wes and there was any kind of instrument, blunt, sharp, or a gun, he would kill him and feel absolutely no remorse about it, but knowing that doing so would just hurt Duo in the end, it was hard to think that way.

So, what should he do? As much as he could say that he would look for Duo forever, what were their choices? Wes was like a rat, no matter how powerful Heero�s mother was, no matter her connections, Wes knew all the best holes to hide in. Heero really did think that his best bet was finding Duo�s friend. Beyond that, what could he do besides just keep looking, and keep asking around? When Heero heard his mother come in downstairs, he rolled off his bed and walked out of his bedroom.

He didn�t want to talk to her. He didn�t want to talk to anyone. He didn�t want them to look at him like he was some kind of wounded animal that needed to be calmed down, didn�t want their pity. All he wanted was for Duo to come home safe. He wanted his heart to stop pounding with this terrible pain. He wanted to stop feeling so lost and desperate. He walked to the stairs and listened, but could only hear soft murmurs and no exact words. He walked past the stairs and into Duo�s room. The door was wide open, but Heero inexplicably felt like he was intruding into a place that he had always been welcome in before.

Walking in there, it hit Heero very suddenly that Duo�s room was exactly how he had left it that morning. He didn�t know why that was such a revelation to him, it should have been rather obvious. Trowa and Quatre hadn�t returned home all that long before he and his mother had, and he doubted either of them would have come in here, let alone move anything around, but seeing it just the way Duo had left made him truly feel his absence, like a very strong, violent blow. It was the way, he thought, people must feel when they went into haunted places, seeing the way that people had lived, everything where they had last placed it, or at some kind of archaeological site, which wasn�t fair. Duo wasn�t dead. He wouldn�t even grace that possibility with thought.

There really wasn�t anything extraordinary about it. Duo, while not being meticulous, was rather neat. It was just one of those things about him that Heero wondered, if he had never met Wes, if he had never been brutally taught to behave a certain way through harsh punishment, if Duo was naturally neat or, in other circumstances, would have grown up throwing his clothes all over the place, like Quatre would have done, if he hadn�t been taught how to behave �properly�. Heero himself didn�t like messes and could be meticulous, but had never really been pushed to act that way by his mother.

The only thing that was out of place in the entire room was a paperback novel that had been left on Duo�s bedside table. Although there was a cheap little bookmark sitting next to it, Duo had placed it down open. It gave credence to Heero�s theory that his best friend wasn�t naturally so neat. When the longhaired teenager wasn�t actually thinking about what he was doing, he often left things unfinished or lying around. He smiled, thinking of Duo staying up last night or this morning, reading this book, then completely forgetting to put the bookmark in. He picked it up, scanning the page that he had stopped on. The book was one of those cheap, little horror novels that Duo loved to pick up at yard sales, his book shelf was brimming with them. Sooner or later, they were going to have to buy him another book shelf, something that, Heero was sure, his mother wouldn�t mind doing at all. He thought that she was quite charmed with the fact that Duo was such an avid reader, unlike himself, who had always been more enamored with video games and computers, even as a child.

Heero put the bookmark on the page and closed the book, hugging it closely to his chest. There was nothing in this room that would help him find his friend, and he hadn�t expected there to be any. Duo hadn�t run away from home this time. But just standing here, he felt closer to the missing boy. At the same time that it was comforting, surrounded by things that reminded him of Duo, it also made his absence sharply painful. He sat on the floor, still clutching the book, unable to force himself to sit on the bed. The pillows would smell like Duo�s hair.

As soon as he sat on the floor, Shiva poked her head out from under the bed. Her gold-green eyes seemed to stare up at him in accusation, though he knew that the guilt was only in his own heart. Heero pressed his knees against his chest. Even though he wasn�t laying on the bed, he could still smell Duo, could still feel him in this room. If he closed his eyes, he could easily imagine the longhaired boy in that bed, reading, or sitting at his desk doing his homework. Shiva walked out from under the bed and rubbed her head against his legs, purring softly. He balanced the book on one leg and picked her up, settling her in his lap. He remembered when even Shiva had been wary of him and would have tried to swat at him if he had tried to so much as pet her. Now, even Toby seemed to accept his presence as someone who wasn�t a threat to them or their master.

The room suddenly felt cold, empty, and oppressive, Shiva�s warm weight in his lap both a comfort and a damnation, bringing home to Heero, more than anything else, that Duo was gone. If his best friend didn�t come back, he would be responsible for these animals, but knew that they would never truly be his, just like anything else in this house that Duo had touched. In reality, everything else, everything that he was and could be, everything that he wanted and dreamed about, paled drastically to Duo, even his memories of him seemed so drab and lifeless compared to how the violet eyed boy made him feel, just by being here with him. But if he didn�t come back� those faint memories would be all he had left. Heero covered his eyes with his hands, but couldn�t stop the tears. He didn�t know what to do� for the first time since Wes had shot Duo, he felt lost.
*****
He wished, so very much, that Wes had tied him faced down. It was too dark to see anything, but for some reason, just knowing that he was looking up at the ceiling, completely blind, made that darkness all the worse. It would also be kind of comforting, when all those strange, formless men were fucking him, to bury his face in the pillows, to pretend that he was some place soft, that the bed he was chained to, wasn�t Wes�. Being able to bury himself in the pillows would also go a long way towards hiding from the light whenever someone opened the door. Tied the way he was, all he could do was hiss in pain as the light attempted to burn his retinas.

At the end of the day� and he only knew it was the end of the day because no man had come into the room for what he assumed to be several hours, that timelessness something else besides the darkness that ate at him like a cancer� but at the end of the day, it wasn�t the darkness or even the sense of time that bothered him the most, after an entire day of feeling faceless men grab at him, arrange his limbs if Wes had injected him with KL6 beforehand, and then violate him in a hundred different ways, it was the smell.

One time, he had staved off insanity by counting how many different hands he could feel, but had lost track after awhile. Mostly because it had disturbed him, focusing on those harsh touches. But the number hadn�t stopped in the single digits. After awhile, all those hands felt exactly the same to him. The smell, too, was always the same, but he could never handle it. He always felt disgusting, smelling that mixture of semen, sweat, and sometimes blood. No matter how many men raped him, he always ended up lying in what felt like a pool of cum. He would fall asleep and wake up, and the mess would be gone, Wes having cleaned everything up in Duo�s unnaturally heavy sleep, but he could always still feel it, could still smell it. He wanted to hide from it and by the time he fell asleep, that smell was so thick and carried with it so many memories, memories that made him feel sick, but because he was lying on his back, he was always scared to vomit. At least if he was lying on his stomach, he wouldn�t care so much.

In a way, the time after was worse than when those men came. In the darkness, his world consisted of nothing. He was nothing. No light, no sound, no warmth, no touch� just nothing. It got to the point where he hoped the next person that came into the room would hurt him, just to feel something. He felt like an animal, a calf, tied down and waiting for the butcher to come, like he was less than human. And wasn�t he? No matter how poor a person was, no matter how terrible their situation, even a beggar could decide when they ate, when they went to the bathroom. They could move whatever parts of themselves they wished. If the night was too dark, they could find a street light to huddle under. If it was too cold, they could try to find some discarded clothes or a heating vent. The only thing he had control of, in this bed, was when to blink and how to breathe, and if he was drugged up, he didn�t even have that.

It was so much worse, lying here, listening to nothing, the sound of his heartbeat driving him mad. When Wes lied down next to him to sleep, his broken heart and mind screamed out. He knew that, if he physically could, he would be wrapped around the man so tightly, just to feel his warmth, to touch something, instead of just being touched. It was that realization, that there was a living person next to him on the bed, that kept him from shutting down completely. As long as he wasn�t alone in the dark, as long as there was someone there to take care of him, who might care if he was still breathing� In the end, it was that realization that broke him so completely. The realization that his heart was so lonely, it was calling out for the very man that had done this to him in utter desperation, that Wes wasn�t just a bully that he was being forced to share the same space with, simply because he was powerless. He wanted� no, he needed Wes, like a small child needs his Daddy. In that instant, with every part of himself needing to curl up against the person who had brutalized him for so long, his heart shattered.
*****
Duo awoke heavily, feeling disoriented and confused. The only thing he was sure of was his dream, something that he dreamt far too often. With the dream came familiarity, enough that he didn�t feel panicked, but this was the most vividly he had ever dreamed before, more like a clear, recent memory than a nightmare. Just like he usually did when he dreamt� that, he attempted to roll off of his bed onto his feet, knowing that a quick walk to the kitchen for a glass of water would clear his head, and help him forget about the dream, but felt a sharp pain around his wrists and ankles. The pain and resulting panic, realizing that whatever had caused the pain was also making it impossible for him to move, jolted him wide awake.

He wasn�t in his bed, wasn�t even in his room. Actually, he wasn�t lying down, either, but in an uncomfortable position, curled up on the hard floor, his knees tucked under him, spread far apart. His lower back felt like he had been sleeping on a rock, or an a rack, his back pulled painfully. His hands were tied together, too, but not with rope. Duo started to breathe heavily, his panic growing and growing. He didn�t know where he was. It was dark, too dark� It was dark and he was tied down. He wasn�t lying on that bed and he couldn�t smell that smell, but he was tied down� and it was dark�

Duo thrashed in his realization. Not there� not back there� anywhere else� he pulled in frustration at the wires binding him, but they only tightened, slicing into his skin. He cried out at the sudden pain, but still fought against his bindings. He had to get out! Away from the dark� away from the silence� some logical part of his brain yelled at him that pulling was a very bad idea, but in his fear, he couldn�t listen. All he could think about was getting out of the dark place and finding Heero. Heero would make it better, Heero wouldn�t let the darkness get him. He could feel it all around him, just like before, choking him and making him panic. Blood dripped down his arms, but no matter how much he pulled, the wires wouldn�t give, even an inch. He ignored everything else, how tired and sore he felt, that heavy feeling in his head, like he hadn�t slept at all, and focused only on that fear. Suddenly, the door swung open and Duo had to look away, bright light stinging his eyes. Déjà vu filled him.

�Goddamn it!� he heard Wes swear loudly.

Strong hands grabbed his bare shoulders and gave him a rough shake, then held him still, stopping his struggling.

�Stop squirming around!� the blonde man barked angrily at him, taking out the hunting knife that he always had on him, �You�re just hurting yourself! Now quite struggling or I�m going to cut you.�

Duo froze, not because of the command, but in shock as his kidnapper kneeled and, instead of purposefully cutting him in reprimand, smoothly slipped the knife between his bond hands and deftly cut the wire. Duo blinked down at the sight of the wire being pulled out of the cut it had made in his wrist and unraveled. He was so surprised that Wes was untying him that he didn�t even really feel the pain of the wire coming out of his skin.

�You�re not a damned kid anymore,� Wes snapped at him as he cut off the wires on Duo�s ankles as well, �You�re so pathetic, throwing tantrums just from being in a closet-,�

As soon as he was free from the wires, Duo found himself launching forward and hugging Wes tightly, curling up against him like he was a little boy, running to his daddy because something had scared him. It was cold in the closet, especially since Duo wasn�t wearing a whole lot of clothes. Wes, on the other hand, was warm and Duo practically burrowed into him, trying to absorb his heat. The sound of his heart beat was comforting, after the shock of waking up so very alone. It didn�t matter to him that this was Wes, it was a human being, a living person, and he clung to him like a damned koala, his shame not quite poking its head out yet.

Wes� gray eyes widened as Duo threw himself at him. It wasn�t a reaction that he had ever seen before. In all of his years of training whores, Duo remained the only one who had ever� hugged him like this. The only one who treated him like a guardian, who had been grateful for something. He had hugged him like this the last time he had freed him, too. He remembered how Duo had thanked him, in tears, and it made him feel strange. Protective. He placed his hand against Duo�s back, holding him to him.

�Relax,� he grumbled, not used to this kind of affection, or any affection at all, realizing that Duo�s reaction was part because of his irrational fears, which Wes had never understood, and partially in gratitude for letting him go instead of cutting him for his panic attack, �I�m not going to hurt you.�

Duo felt like his insides had been scraped out and he was hollow, hollow and cold. Even as he clung to Wes desperately, he hated himself for it. After falling asleep in the darkness, waking up restlessly over and over again, only to open his eyes to utter blackness, just like that time before� just touching another human being felt so good, just to hear that heartbeat. He felt like a stray cat that had been brought out of the cold, all he could do was try to hold onto him tighter and tighter and ignore how his own heart was resembling a frightened bird. But as that fear started to settle in the face of the light out in the hallway pouring into the closet, it suddenly dawned on him that the person he was holding onto was Wes.

When he started to come back to himself, he had a moment� a very brief, disjointed moment where he was confused, lost in strange memories, and thought that Heero was with him. When he realized the truth, he wished that that moment could have lasted longer. If Heero could see him right now, hugging his rapist like a pathetic child� what had happened in Boston couldn�t even hold a candle to this. He tried to push away from Wes, but the man grabbed him by the neck, pulling him forward again. Duo�s heart stopped at the violent gesture, remembering Wes� tendency to strangle him during sex to keep him helpless and weak.

It had always shocked him, and by now Duo wasn�t sure why, just how much stronger and bigger Wes was than him. He wasn�t even as thin as he had been, but the blonde could still wrap his whole, one hand around his neck and Duo knew that it would take much force at all to strangle him to death, or to snap his neck, but Wes wasn�t exerting much pressure at all, not even enough for his breathing to become restricted. It reminded him of how mother crocodiles would carry their brood in their powerful, deadly jaws, never actually hurting the babies, but the threat was always there. It made him feel pathetic and powerless, just like always.

All it did was bring home the fact that Wes could kill him, so very easily. And he had done plenty things to piss the man off, so why was he still breathing? He was sure that Wes could make it look like an accident and he didn�t even need to. He always made sure to pay the cops enough that they never put much effort into looking into the people he had killed. Duo knew that the gray eyed man had killed people who were much more important than street trash like him. Even if that wasn�t true anymore, even if he did have people who would do anything to, not only find out what had happened to him, but punish the people responsible. But even knowing that Name cared, Wes didn�t seem to be all that bothered by the threat.

He hated realizing that, hated thinking about all the ways his �caretaker� could have, and should have, killed him already because� because it made him realize just what little value his life had. It made him think that he owed his life to Wes, like it was a precious gift that Wes had given him. It made him think that his own life didn�t belong to him, that he was so powerless that the breath in his lungs wasn�t even because of his own willpower but because of the man who had controlled every tiny aspect of his life since he had been seven years old. That thought made him feel useless and sad and� angry.

He hadn�t spent a good deal of his life being angry. Maybe he was incapable of it, like how he had told Wufei that he could never strike against Wes, because that was how he had been conditioned and, knowing what pain felt like, he just couldn�t force himself to do it. Maybe he was just numb. He had spent so much time in some kind of pain, of having Wes� will and personality forced on him that he just didn�t have the emotional strength to feel angry. Maybe Trowa was right and the only time he could want to raise his voice, to fight against someone, was when someone he loved was being hurt, because no one had ever stood up for him and, subconsciously, some part of him still wondered if he was worth it. But, for whatever reason, Wes telling him that he owed him everything, just for not letting Chris kill him, or for shooting him in the shoulder instead of the heart, made anger fill him.

�Your problem,� Wes said, sounding more amused than annoyed, �is that you don�t listen, just like a petulant little kid. You don�t understand a damn thing I�ve told you, do you? I�m not going to hurt you. I want you to be with me and you already know that I�m not going to punish you for running away. I�ve told you several times now that I love you, so stop being so fucking skittish all the time. You�d think I�d beaten the crap out of you, the way you�re acting. It�s just a closet.�

Duo felt that strange, rare anger flare a little bit again at Wes� disdain for his fear and panic attack. He didn�t understand at all� he didn�t understand anything about him� That was what hurt the most, really. After eight years of living together, Wes claimed that he knew everything about him. He knew about his fears, the things that made him scream, the things that made him weak� but those things weren�t important. In reality, after eight years, Wes didn�t know anything about him at all. He could read him like a book and yet� they were practically strangers.

Wes was wrong. His �problem� wasn�t that he was incapable of listening. It didn�t matter what the man said to him. He could say that he loved him, that he wasn�t going to hurt him until he was blue in the face. He wanted to scream at him that, even if he said that he loved him, even if he claimed that he would never hurt him or punish him for running away, he had still shot him, hadn�t he? And for such a stupid reason� just to piss off Heero. How could he trust a man who did such a thing? That was the root of this fear in his heart. Yes, he was terrified of the dark. He was terrified of being confined. But none of that held a candle to the fear that, if he let himself trust Wes, he was just going to get hurt, in a way that he would never be able to heal from.

Wes had hurt him like that hundreds of times. It was just one of those kinds of wounds that never healed. He had never been able to quite harden his heart, to become indifferent to it all. Every time Wes had belittled him, had lied to him about not hurting him, had tortured him just for the fun of it, it had hurt, because for some stupid reason, he hadn�t stopped hoping that would� take care of him or something. He had become completely blind sided by his desire for a parent, when he hadn�t thought himself capable of such a foolish wish. It made those times when Wes did do fatherly things all the more brutal and unbearable. But, as much as he wanted to look at him that way, Duo couldn�t trust him. Wes might say that he wasn�t going to punish him, but not once in his entire life had Wes ever given him a reason to take him at his word.

Actions speak louder than words. Wes had taught him that. Whether he wanted to be with Wes was irrelevant. How could he possibly say yes to him when he couldn�t even trust him to stay consistent and honest? How could he accept that Wes loved him when he didn�t even understand that he was the cause of his fear of the dark, that the reason why he panicked so badly in this closet was that, even when Wes was here with him, he didn�t feel entirely safe? Heero would understand, his heart told him, Heero knows why I�m afraid, he knows all those things that Wes will never about me. If Heero were here, he�d hold me close and try to comfort me, not make fun of me. If Heero were here� I wouldn�t be afraid.

But Heero wasn�t here. Heero was never going to be here. He was never going to see him again� and that feeling of safety was gone. He was never going to get the chance to escape, to go back to that house. He was never going to feel safe and warm, that feeling of family ever again. If he chose to go with Wes, if he left that old life behind, no matter what Wes did or said was going to give him that strength, that love that he craved so very much. And if he didn�t say no, Duo knew where the road would end for him. It was just like before, when he had run away to spy on Heero. He had known that that road held no hope, that Wes would find him eventually and chain him in that bed.

That was the reason why he felt so frayed, why he felt like he was losing his grip in reality and was so panicked. He had dreamed of that time in the bed, had woken in terror, believing that he was back there. But wasn�t he? Locked away in the dark, unable to move, knowing that he would either break under the pressure Wes was putting him through and tell him yes, or Wes would keep him locked up forever, until he died from either neglect or a broken mind. Realizing all of that, his heart couldn�t stop racing and Duo felt this sense of� sickness and fear surround him. He hadn�t survived the darkness last time. How could he expect to survive it this time?

Wes frowned as he saw a bleak look cross over Duo�s face. He had just been partially joking when he had accused the boy of not listening and understanding what he was trying to tell him, but now he wondered. He had already told him that he loved him, several times, he had even told him all the things he was willing to do for him to make him happy! That should be enough! So why was he still so scared? Why was he still looking at him like he was a monster, like he was going to hurt him, even though he had told him he wouldn�t? He didn�t understand it. Duo should be grateful that he was willing to be taken back by him, he should be grateful that he wasn�t even considering doing what he had done the last two times he had run away from him, not freaking out just because he had put him in a closet!

He was acting just like he had before, when he had been a kid and Wes had locked him in this same closet because he had spent some of his first earnings on a snack. The boy was looking at him just like he had before, like it was his fault, that he was the one in the wrong. Wes hated that look. He wasn�t the one who had screwed up, Duo had. If he hadn�t run away to that Yuy brat, none of this would have happened! If he hadn�t disobeyed him about the money, he wouldn�t have had to beat him and locked him in here to teach him a lesson! Duo didn�t understand anything� He had taught him so many things, so surely he could teach him not to blame him, to realize that this was his fault, and to stop expecting pain from him, right? If only he wasn�t so thickheaded�

Wes nearly sighed to himself. The kid wasn�t going to listen to him as long as he was scared like this. He would remove that fear, he would show him that he could make him feel good, too, not just that fucking Japanese punk. He dug into his jeans pocket and removed a slender white box. He was rewarded with Duo�s instant attention, like a cat sensing danger in the air. That look excited Wes, enjoying the knowledge that he could make Duo react in such a predictable way. It was like the feeling of power and control returning. This was different than Duo�s fear of the dark, it was understandable, something that Wes had seen and had been able to create hundreds of times.

Duo felt a spike of fear go through him as he saw the white box and had the sudden urge to try to escape again. He tried to judge his odds, now that he wasn�t tied down, but it was hard to think. His thoughts felt muddled and confusing from sleeping so restlessly. His tiredness made logical thought difficult and he came to the conclusion that he wasn�t capable of any kind of escape plan right now. It wasn�t that he wouldn�t be fast enough, it was just that he couldn�t think of what he should do. He didn�t know if Wes was going to tie him up again, but he was sure that if he tried anything now, that would be the exact outcome and he wouldn�t get very far. He couldn�t risk that, not for future escape attempts, but for his sanity. He didn�t think he could handle being restrained so completely in the darkness all alone again.

He knew that box. It was as familiar as the smell of Wes� cigarettes and had been in Duo�s life for just as long as that smell. Sure enough, when the man took the lid off of it, Duo saw a row of about five needles, most of them with clear liquid in them, but there was one that had telltale white fluid. As Wes reached in to pick one out, Duo held his breath and waited, in fear, for Wes to pick up the white one, the one that he knew was KL6. He breathed again when Wes instead took out one of the clear ones. To be that helpless right now, to be in that cage inside of him mind, and to be forced to go through that terrible withdrawal again� it might just be the last straw.

Since most of the drugs Wes used were clear and indistinguishable from each other, so each needle had a different colored stopper to keep them from being confused. This needle�s stopper was light blue. Ecstasy. Duo felt a completely different fear now, a bitter sweet one. Not a fear of Wes and what he was going to do, how he might hurt him and break him. A fear of himself. That part of himself that he had tried so hard to bury deep, deep down until it was smothered to death, that part that he never wanted Heero to see, ever. He had seen a glimpse of it in Boston, when Chris had injected him with KL6, but this was different.

What happened when he was under KL6 was different. That was bad, too. Being trapped in his own body, being forced to do disgusting, terrible things, not through violence or threats, but just because of some chemicals attacking his brain, being treated like some kind of cheap puppet by people and being robbed of something so simple, so basic and universal as the free will to move his own body� of course that was painful and awful, and it still hurt knowing that Heero had seen it� had seen Chris ordering him to do things he hadn�t wanted to do and obeying. Heero said that he didn�t judge him fo that, that he understood that Duo had had no control over his body and being injected with that stuff was like� like mind rape. He didn�t judge him. Even though Duo hated himself for losing control of his own body.

He just couldn�t rationalize it away by saying it was the fault of the drug. Yes, he knew that it was because of the drug, but there was still that little kid in his head that screamed that he should be ashamed, that there should be something he could do to fight back, so, if he didn�t, it must be his fault. In the past, he had accepted those thoughts without any hesitation. He had hated himself and blamed himself for everything in his entire life. When he had moved in with Heero, that part of himself had started to fade, but it hadn�t truly cracked until that moment on the beach, when Heero had told him that he didn�t blame him for what happened. In that moment, Duo had wondered for the first time in his life, what if he wasn�t the sole cause for all the bad shit in his life? What if Heero was right? What if it had been Chris� fault and those feelings of shame were wrong? If that was the truth, what else that he had blamed himself for was a lie?

Standing on that beach and hearing Heero say that he didn�t blame him for being kidnapped and almost killed, and that he had never judged him, not even once, had made something warm blossom inside of him. It had been a strange mixture of disbelief, regret, relief, and love, an almost painful thing, but it had given him some measure of hope. If Heero could move on from blaming himself, if he could let go of that bitterness and anger that the death of his father had caused, enough to stop pointing the finger at himself because someone else he cared for had gotten hurt, then maybe Duo could find that something that would let him grow and become stronger, to let go of his own guilt. He wanted to believe that.

His entire life, he had only seen proof that he was a bad person, that he had no one else to blame for his problems but himself. When he had been on the streets and begging to people walking past for just a little bit of change, or a bite of food, he had sometimes heard them say that, if he really hated being homeless, he should go to an orphanage, so if he was hungry or cold, it was his own fault for having too much pride. He had never been able to accurately describe to those people the kind of fear that street kids felt towards those institutions, how some kids went to homes that were worse than living on the streets, how some kids were beaten or sold into prostitution, picked up by people posing as a happy couple, just so they could get some easy cash, or how some of them were beaten to death by abusive parents, or even how some of them just� disappeared.

How could a little kid, cold and hungry, with no education who couldn�t even read, possibly explain those things to cold, arrogant, and unsympathetic eyes of adults who already thought him stupid and far beyond their own importance? Back then, before he had started to educate himself out of sheer desperation, the words had always seemed vague, like some far off, magical land that you knew existed, but just couldn�t reach. And by the time he did get an understanding of those words, he no longer had the will, or the belief, to speak up for himself. If someone blamed him for his own patheticness, they must be right. If they weren�t, he had reasoned at a young age, then those things wouldn�t keep happening to him, right?

Sunshine wouldn�t have died as he had watched on, surviving without so much as a scratch or bruise. Sister Helen wouldn�t have burned alive. Wes wouldn�t have kidnapped him. Back then, he had truly believed that he had deserved any pain he had gotten, because those things were punishments, or signs of the bad person he was. A courageous person would have been able to save them. A strong person would have been able to get away from Wes before he had raped them. He had truly believed those things. So, every time Wes, Chris, and Zechs had hurt him and told him that it was his own fault, that he had brought it on himself, or when Williams had told him that he must have asked to have been raped, or that he had to have liked it or he would have stopped it from happening, he had believed them. And no one had ever made him believe otherwise.

Yes, when he had told Name and his friends that he had been lying to all of them for the first time, lying in that hospital bed, that his father was really his pimp and he had been a whore for most of his life, he had felt like he was opening his soul for the first time. And when they had all looked at him, not with pity or disgust, but with actual concern, and Name had told him to his face that none of it was his fault, he had thought that his heart would explode from the intense feelings that absolution had given him. Even Wufei had taken back the cruel accusations he had laid on him that time.

But, even though he had been faced with the first people to ever tell him that being raped, being hurt wasn�t his fault, he had hesitated and held back on those feelings. He had been terrified of letting those kind of good things in, because he knew that the worst thing wasn�t being hurt and hurt and hurt, over and over again. The worst was letting those good things effect you in some way, only to have them stolen away from you, being shown that that forgiveness was a lie, just a joke so the bad people could give you something to lose. Also, some part of him hadn�t been able to believe Name, had thought that she wouldn�t say that if she really knew. Being told something and seeing it first hand were two completely different things and Duo knew that even the kindest, most forgiving people changed so severely, became so disgusted and cold, when they saw his world, face to face.

That had been the source of his guilt back then in Boston, the reason why he had allowed himself and Heero to distance from each other so immediately and thoroughly, even though he had been hurting and wanting his best friend so much. He had assumed that Heero would take back his forgiveness and acceptance of his past once he had seen even the slightest glimmer of what it had been really like. He had thought that, seeing Chris abuse him and rape him would have destroyed their friendship. Heero would have realized the kind of dirty person he really was and lost all faith in him. To hear him say that it wasn�t the case, that not only his attitude after being rescued was from his own feelings of failure, but that he would never blame Duo for stuff like that, had been a balm on his soul.

Even so, that terrible fear remained, the fear of letting Heero down, of letting him see the things that Duo still hated about himself. This was one of those things. He was acquainted with every drug that Wes used on his other whores. Heroin. Meth. LSD. Temazepam. Things that made your blood burn or took your mind far away from the bad things, made you want to do anything your own tormentor wanted you to do, just to get a taste for more. Wes had given him pretty much everything, especially when he had been training him, to get him to be more reliant on him, and more submissive. Most of those drugs had backfired in a huge way. Maybe it had been Duo�s age, but it had probably been because of his anemia and malnutrition. Whatever the cause, he had almost overdosed several times and Wes had never gotten the results he had wanted, which had just frustrated the man.

The only two drugs he had been forced to take by Wes or Chris that hadn�t had huge, damaging side effects on him beyond the painful and psychologically harmful withdrawals had been KL6 and Ecstasy. Wes had used the latter a lot when he had been training him to be a whore, especially in those first few weeks together. After that first, violent rape, every time Wes had touched him, Duo had gotten physically sick from it, which had just resulted in pissing Wes off enough to beat the shit out of him, which would make Duo even less responsive and obedient to the next �lesson�. It had been a terrible down spiral, especially when his captor had realized that most of the usual drugs weren�t working. His newest acquisition had been too young to try KL6 on. Duo had heard him and Chris talking about it back then, something to do with a child�s brain chemistry being different than a teenager�s or an adult�s and how all the kids Wes had shot up beforehand had died or gone into instant comas from the drug. Duo distinctly remembered Chris suggesting that they just lower the dosage, since Duo was proving to be so difficult, and if he died, it didn�t really matter anyway. If the cops found his body, he would just be one of hundreds of street kids that died from drug overdose every year. Wes had refused, saying that a pretty little boy like Duo, especially with eyes like his, and no attachments was both a big-ticket item, if they could get him trained, and a rare find. He just wasn�t willing to risk it.

Then, they had tried Ecstasy on him. Duo didn�t know why, but he had never had heart palpitations, severe headaches, memory loss, nausea, or any of the side effects he had had on the other drugs while on Ecstasy. He could still remember the first time Wes had shot him up with the drug. He had been expecting that burning, intense feeling of need, or maybe he would hallucinate like he had on the acid. Instead, he had been struck by this feeling of� not really happiness, but something close to it. He had felt good. He had never felt good in his entire life. That time, when Wes had approached him, he had felt none of the fear he had felt before of the man, just this calm acceptance. It had been nice, not to be so scared anymore, not to worry or feel panicked or to hate himself.

Duo thought, maybe it was that feeling that had made Ecstasy become an addiction for him. He had talked to another whore about it once, who, for her, it had been the physical intimacy and arousal, but for Duo, that lack of fear, of just being able to let go, had been intense. When Wes had touched him then, it had made his skin tingle instead of leaving him feeling sick inside. And when he had ordered him to suck him off, Duo had done it, not because he had been forced to, but because touching another person hadn�t seemed so wrong to him at the time. Touching Wes� cock with his tongue hadn�t grossed him out and he had become engrossed just with the texture of it. When he was under the drug, every time, he liked being touched and touching other people. Even if he didn�t initiate it, it didn�t bother him like it usually did.

Duo was sure that he could reason it away. He knew, chemically, Ecstasy made you overly sensitive. He knew that he had lived his childhood life alone and afraid of everyone, so touching another person wasn�t something that had come easy to him and being able to do that when high was like a germophobe suddenly finding themselves among a crowd of people and not feeling panicked. It had been a relief, something good and wonderful. He had had this sensation of being normal for once, not a timid little rat, hiding away from the world. But those good feelings had only lasted when the drug was pumping through his veins. As soon as it left, so did the euphoria and relaxation.

Like any other drug, when Ecstasy had gone, it had left holes in him that had only been filled with this intense sensation of panic, depression, and self-loathing. He had retreated far into himself, in that dark place where he felt so very alone. The first time he had been shot up, when he had fallen down again, he had cried, almost hysterically. He had felt depressed his entire life, but this had been different. At the time, he hadn�t been aware of what Ecstasy did to a person and had thought that that sadness had come directly from him. All he had been able to think about were the things that he had done under the influence of that drug, letting Wes fuck him, and had worried about what was happening to him, about becoming the whore that Wes wanted him to be. He had felt so disgusting that, in that moment, if someone had handed him a razor blade, he would have peeled off his own skin.

Then, the addiction had hit him like a tidal wave, this burning need to have more of the drug. At seven years old, he had been completely unable to handle it. Not so much the physical effects, although the strong paranoia, insomnia, depression, and anxiety he had went through had been overwhelming, but the ramifications of that need. Here he was, hating himself for the things he had done, and now he wanted more. How could he possibly cope with that? It had just made that hatred grow and grow inside of him. But when Wes took that needle out again, Duo had still ached for it, had still done anything Wes had told him, just to feel that lack of fear again, that lack of self-hatred. After awhile, he had fought against it, simply because of the disgust he had felt towards himself, but deep down inside, some part of himself still wanted it, still wanted to go to that place where the things that Wes did to him didn�t hurt him so much, where the world didn�t feel so cold and cruel.

Duo felt that way now. It had been a very long time since Wes had used the drug on him, as the blonde had worried about the depression Duo felt afterwards and liked it when he struggled a bit, so seeing that needle now was like a slap in the face. Memories surged in his head, showing him how he had felt back then, and all the things he had done. His heart beat loudly in his chest as Wes took the cap off the needle and pushed the plunger down, just enough to make sure there were no air bubbles in the fluid. A trickle of the drug traveled down the needle and the longhaired American watched it like a thirsty man would watch condensation bead down a pane of glass. The feeling revolted him.

�I only want you to feel good,� Wes told him again, �I don�t want to hurt you anymore. I can make you feel good, Duo.�

Duo swallowed roughly. He was well aware that Wes had the power to make him feel good, just as much as he knew that the man had the power to hurt him. Maybe that was what made the pain so bad, that knowledge that Wes didn�t have to make him feel that way, he just chose to. It was on the tip of his tongue, to beg the man to give him the shot. All his fears about being in this closet would melt away, his need to see Heero, his anxiety about never seeing him again� all of it would just melt away into some pleasant dream. He could give Wes what he wanted, and that part of himself that wanted to be with him, but was too scared of what that meant. He could do that, if he said yes. And his body, that part of his brain where the addiction hit so deeply, wanted him to say yes.

How would Heero react now, Duo wondered, if he could see him like this? Seeing him shot up with KL6 was nothing, being unresponsive like a doll was nothing to begging to be touched, just a little brush on the arm or an embrace, when he was under Ecstasy�s influence. Would Heero be so forgiving then, or would he finally realize what Duo had been trying to tell him, that he was a terrible person, and be disgusted? That was his fear, his terror, that he would let Heero down and show him that he wasn�t worth being loved. He was just a whore, a junkie whore, and he would never be a better person, the person that the people he loved insisted he was. He didn�t want to be less than that.

And so what if those fears went away? It would only be because of some stupid drug. It didn�t mean that the fear wasn�t still there. Feeling good wasn�t a bad thing. Wasn�t that what everyone strived for, to feel good about themselves, to be happy in their own skin. Being content was one of the best feelings in the world. But there was a difference between feeling good and feeling good about yourself. Ecstasy wouldn�t give him that. He didn�t want to feel good because of some foreign chemicals. He wanted that same feeling, but because he had deserved it by being strong, by being loved by people. Thinking that some drug would make things better was just delusional and he couldn�t live that way.

The thing that scared him right now, right down to his core, was the realization that, if Wes had offered this to him when he had released him all those months ago, when he had unlocked his chains and told him that he loved him, he would have said yes. He wouldn�t have even hesitated. If Wes had told him that he wanted to be with him forever, and wouldn�t hurt him anymore, would even give him this drug so he wouldn�t ever feel fear or pain again, he would have said yes. After all that darkness and loneliness, being touched without being able to touch, having his humanity robbed from him� and the belief that Heero hated him so much, that he was just going to forget about him, forget that he ever existed, even if they did meet by chance again, Wes� offer would have seemed too good for him to say no to. And he never would have what he had now.

It was those thoughts that awoken something inside of him. It was like waking up from a long, morphine-induced sleep. He didn�t want the easy road. He didn�t want to feel good just for the sake of getting away from his fears and pain. At this point in his life, he would rather take the fear and the self-hatred than a drug-induced lie. He wanted Heero to be proud of him, instead of just forgetting about that desire all together through euphoria. Did that say something about him? That he wanted to be hurt and struggle instead of giving up and taking the easy, pleasurable way out? He was probably never going to escape from Wes.

He was probably going to die in this stupid closet, away from the people he loved, and Ecstasy would be a way to escape from all that, but this part of him, that warm part that Heero had awakened in him, screamed at that, refused to accept it. If he had to die, it yelled, he was going to die, terrified and alone, but with the knowledge that he hadn�t let his past pervert him, hadn�t let his broken heart turn him back into that pathetic person. Even if it was pointless, he wanted to fight. If he didn�t, then that made all things Name had sacrificed for him, all those gifts, pointless and wasted. It made his love for Heero frail and unimportant. And it wasn�t! His need for peace and escape wasn�t more powerful than what he felt for his best friend! That love was the one thing that had brought him out of the dark before. If it didn�t stand this test, then wasn�t it that and not Wes� treatment of him that made him less than human?

�No,� he begged, pushing back from Wes until his back hit the wall, �I don�t want that.�

It was a futile, pathetic effort on his part, he knew that the second he opened his mouth. Wes did whatever the hell he wanted. He might say that he loved him, but in the end, he did what he wanted and what Duo said, what he pleaded, didn�t matter. So, when Wes, instead of just grabbing him and injecting him anyway, put the cap back on the end of the needle and put the needle back into the box, he felt speechless. Again, he was struck with the realization that he did not know this man. He had spent eight years with him, had bled and cried with him. Wes had seen and touched every inch of his naked body and Duo had seen him commit unspeakable acts. But in reality, Wes was a stranger to him. He had always believed in the man that hit him and screamed at him, who hurt him for the slightest transgression, without an ounce of remorse.

Now, this man had come into his life and had replaced that other person. This Wes touched him gently and said such unbelievable things like �I�ll never hurt you�, things that Heero had often told him. Sometimes he could still see that other Wes bleeding through, like when he had dragged him into the closet or had gone through his things, but those times seemed small now that Wes had actually listened to him, had heard him say no and for the first time in their entire relationship, had done as he had begged him to do. It made him ask, who was the real Wes? Which one was the lie? Or, even worse, what if they really were the real person? What if this man was made up of inconsistencies and no matter how much he changed, he would always be as capable of both pain and gentleness? If that was the truth� then why now? Why, when his own world was on the brink of something bright and new and shiny, did Wes show this part of himself? Why not back then, before Duo had met Heero, when it would have meant something?

There was a saying, that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome each time. Duo didn�t believe that. He thought that that might be the definition of hope, not insanity. To do the same thing again and again, but always want a different outcome and to grow to expect that outcome, even when realism told you it wasn�t possible, wasn�t that the very essence of hope? He had gone through darkness over and over, and now he was stuck here again, in this same spot, but he wanted to believe that it would lead him down a different road, that he might see Heero again, even when logic told him otherwise. Did that really make him crazy?

No, insanity wasn�t that. Doing the same thing over and over again, and not expecting, but suddenly finding yourself with a different outcome� Duo thought that that was what made people insane. When you went through your entire life looking up at the sky, only to one day find it gone, that was what insanity was. He had lived with Wes for so long and he had come to expect things from the man. Anger, pain, endless frustration, knowing how very little Wes cared for him� but now, those things weren�t there anymore and Duo was grasping to find them again, just because it was too hard to try to comprehend this change in the man.

He couldn�t understand it, let alone cope with it. The black sky that he had always known had dropped out of existence and had been replaced with this very pale blue. It wasn�t the blue he wanted, wasn�t quite deep enough or bright enough, but it was close. Too close to what he wanted and when he looked at it and squinted, he could fool himself into seeing that sky, the sky that made happiness blossom inside of him. That was the most dangerous thing of all, that ability to lie to himself into thinking that the life he had with Heero could look the same as a life with Wes. He could easily see himself falling into that lie, because that pale blue was somewhere between his consistent, comforting past, and his chaotic, but bright future. A compromise. One that would, ultimately, blind him to how broken it was going to make him. A part of himself wanted to drown in this new Wes, to let him be the father that he had always wanted to rely on, while another wanted the crueler one back, so he could lie to himself by hating him again.

What was real? What did he really want? What was the best thing for him? He couldn�t find the answer to those questions and it made him feel insane. He felt torn apart and faltering, just from Wes� action of listening to him for once, for being kind. Or was he still deluding himself? Was he just seeing what he wanted to see, or was Wes tricking him again? See, a voice in his head gloated, not even a full day with the man and you�re already breaking apart, piece by piece, shard by shard. And you really think you can live with this person, share your life with such a person? He doesn�t care about you, not really. How can he, when he doesn�t even want to know��

That isn�t true, Duo fought back against that thought without even realizing he was doing it, Wes cared about him! If he didn�t, he would have shot him up anyway, wouldn�t he have?

�Then why doesn�t he ask it? Such a simple thing� if he loves you, why doesn�t he ask it? They asked it� Name and Heero� they asked��
　

�Duo� do you want to live with us?�
The memory flooded back to him so quickly, so suddenly, that Duo felt a very real pain in his head.
�You were powerless, all alone. They could have done whatever they wanted. So sick and weak� but when Heero said that his mother was paying for the hospital bills and planned to take you home, to care for you, you panicked. And when she came to the hospital, they asked you that. They wanted to know what you wanted. What about him? He says those things� he loves you, he doesn�t want to hurt you. But those things aren�t important, are they? You think they are. You think that saying you love someone matters, but it doesn�t. All that matters is that question. He won�t ask it, will he? He doesn�t even realize that what he�s doing is hurting you. He thinks he�s being nice. But, really, even if the way he goes about it is different, Wes hasn�t changed at all. He�s still as much of a monster as he�s always been. Heero would realize it. Heero would ask. Because, you know, don�t you?�

Duo was about to scream at that voice to shut up, that if it knew so much, and it was just an extension of himself anyway, why didn�t it take control and tell Wes those things, when Wes suddenly grabbed his face with both hands and pulled him close. His grey eyes were smoldering, but it wasn�t with hate or anger, but with� affection and love and Duo wanted nothing more than not to have to look at those eyes, as they told him, quite clearly, that Wes was aware of what he was thinking about. Or, at the very least, Wes knew he was doubting him again.

�I love you,� the blonde said, almost growling, �What do I have to do to make you believe me?�

Something inside of Duo�s heart trembled at the sheer conviction of Wes� words. Wes loved him� why was that hard for him to believe when, in the past, Wes� words had always been like the words of God to him? He always taken them at face value, which was why, when Wes lied to him, it was so hard. But looking at him now, Duo just knew that this wasn�t a lie, at least not to Wes. He believed what he was saying. Wes loved him� did Heero love him? That part of himself where that mocking voice had sprung from didn�t know anything at all� those words were important! He needed them, so very badly� And he didn�t know. The voice might think he did, but he didn�t�

�I don�t need drugs to make you see things my way,� Wes said, suddenly letting go of Duo, putting the box of needles back into his pocket, and stood up, looking down at Duo intensely, studying him, �But try to run away again and you�ll only end up hurt. Now, wait here.�

Wes left the closet and Duo could hear him walking towards his bedroom. Fear and doubt sparked in him again. Wes didn�t trust him. He didn�t trust him, but he still said that he loved him and didn�t want to hurt him. So� how could he trust Wes? He was just going to tie him up and leave him in the dark again. Alone with his nightmares� were those really the actions of the person he could spend his life with? How could Wes possibly expect him to accept such declarations when everything he did scared him so much? That�s where he was going, Duo�s fear screamed at him, he�s going to get more wires and he�s going to tie you up all alone in the dark again�

Duo heard Wes� footsteps and cursed at himself. What was he doing here, sitting on the floor in the closet, when Wes had left him alone for a few minutes, unrestrained? He should be trying to get away, but all he could focus on was how scared and pathetic he was! But even so� did he really have any hope? Could he really try the same things over and over again and expect that different outcome? Wes said that he wasn�t going to hurt him, but in his heart, Duo was still having a hard time believing that, believing that if he tried to make a run for the door, and Wes caught him, that he would punish him.

Outside the door, Duo heard Wes drop something on the ground, then come in again. To his shock, the man wasn�t holding the wires but a pair of leather cuffs, but only a pair of cuffs. Duo suddenly very much wanted to know what he had put just outside the door. Wes got down on his knees in front of Duo again and grabbed his wrists in a tight grip that left bruises on the violet-eyed boy�s fair skin in the shape of fingers, but the grip had obviously been meant to restrain, not hurt. Old instincts had Duo staying still and letting Wes doing what he wanted, his exhaustion and recent hunger making him feel weak and too tired to want to resist anyway. The cuffs Wes had was actually just a single, leather binding that wrapped around both of Duo�s wrists like a sheath. They were surprisingly soft and comfortable around his cut up wrists, especially compared to the wires.

�I don�t want you to get scared and panic in the middle of the night again,� Wes said gruffly, somehow managing to sound somewhere between an annoyed kidnapper and a caring parent, �You�ll just end up hurting yourself again, so I�m not tying up your feet this time.�

Duo stared up at him as the man finished buckling up the cuff, his eyes wide and making him look like a frightened deer. He didn�t know what to think anymore, couldn�t even create some kind of rational thought about why Wes was acting like this. He was acting like a father putting a helmet on his son so he wouldn�t hurt his head instead of a kidnapper tying up his victim so he wouldn�t escape. Wes could do anything to him right now, so why give him anything, even this freedom of movement? He was further shocked when Wes went back out into the hallway to pick up whatever he had dropped there. The blonde returned quickly and tossed the pillow onto the ground.

�Lie down,� he barked, �You look like shit.�

Duo shook a little bit, not getting what was going on, but obeyed, lying down on the floor, his head propped up by the pillow. The floor was still hard, but this was more comfortable than trying to sleep tied up. A warm feeling filled him, but it was a bitter sort of thing. Duo wanted to be grateful for the pillow, but wasn�t sure if Wes was trying to trick him or not. It made him feel weird. Still, Wes was right. If he looked how he felt, the little amount of real sleep he had gotten had probably made him look like shit. He was tired and he could lie down now. If he wanted any kind of strength to try to escape, he needed to sleep. But, even not tied down so severely, the thought of trying to sleep in this small, dark space kept him from drifting off immediately. His violet eyes watched his captor as, instead of leaving him like he had before, he sat down against the wall near Duo�s head. Duo stared at him for a few minutes, watching and waiting to see what he would do.

�Will you stay?� he asked in a small voice, feeling pathetic for asking the man such a question, but his loneliness and fear made it come out more like pleading than curiosity.

Wes looked down on him nonchalantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

�For a bit,� he muttered, �Just until you fall asleep. It�s morning and I have things to do.�

It was a slightly callous comment, but Duo smiled up at him faintly. The smile made Wes� cold expression gentled a little bit. Wes didn�t realize his expression had changed, though the sight of the boy�s slightly innocent, grateful smile did make him feel warm, and Duo was completely unaware that his smile had had any effect at all, the both of them ignorant towards themselves. Wes watched like a protective parent as Duo�s eyes slipped closed and fell into an easy doze, some of his fear easing with the knowledge that Wes, with all of his strength and aggressiveness, was watching over him.

Wes continued to watch Duo sleep, fascinated with the way his face looked as it relaxed and how his chest fell and rose with each deep breath, as though he had never seen it before in his entire life. The boy was curled up on his side like a cat, the way he always slept and the sight of it, his silken hair slipping over one shoulder, made him smile fondly, though he didn�t realize he was doing it. Then, Duo shifted slightly in his sleep and the shirt he was wearing rode up, revealing just the barest curve of his back side. The blonde studied that curve for several minutes, enticed by it. His arousal made his cock harden and throb, and he had the impulse to shove Duo onto his stomach and take advantage of that sexy curve, but denied himself. The last thing he needed was to try to get the kid to go sleep again after that. It could wait. He had all the time in the world to have sex with him. Duo shivered slightly, making Wes sigh. For someone that sexy and arousing, he was still just a dumb kid. He got up and walked back to his bedroom, grabbing a blanket from his own bed. When he got back to the closet, he draped it around the teenager, rewarded with Duo snuggling into it with a tiny sigh, his cold alleviated. Wes sat back down and winced as he had to curl up his legs just to sit in the damn closet.

He wasn�t as young as he had been. He hadn�t realized it all that much lately, what with having to chase down younger, run away drug mules that thought they could steal from him and other things that he really should have someone else be doing, but there was no one else he trusted to do stuff like that. Chris had proved to be worthless. They had been together forever, but after he had ordered him not to kill Duo, the man had just swanned off. Fucking pussy. If he wanted to go sulk, fine, but if he tried anything, Wes knew all of the man�s moves, far above what Chris knew of him. But lately, he had been feeling those aches and pains that men his age often complained about, though he didn�t want to admit it to himself.

He had to remind himself that he was in his forties now and should probably leave the gang banging and physical work to other people in his organization, he had just always been hands-on. That was why he was the one running things and not one of his partners. But, sooner or later he was going to have to accept that he wasn�t twenty five anymore. Wes bent his legs slightly, annoyed that the closet was so small, he couldn�t stretch out at all. Maybe he should have put Duo in his bedroom, but it wasn�t secure enough. At least the kid was small enough to fit in here. He reached over and brushed some of Duo�s hair away from his face.

Eight years. He had been 33 when he had met the kid and some days it felt like forever, other days, like today, he just looked at him and saw how much he had grown and it felt like no time at all. Was this what fatherhood felt like? Seeing your boy shiver and getting him a blanket? Feeling pride at his accomplishments and how adult he�s become? It was a strange feeling for him. But wasn�t this about the time that other men settled down? Maybe he should just take Duo and leave this damned town, regardless of what happened to the business. Just let the whores and the dealers and all his partners deal with what was left, take the money, and go some place warm. He had enough money that he could get a big house and live very, very comfortably with Duo. The only reason he didn�t know was because of his enemies, and he had never seen the need for it. But Duo deserved a big place, like how the Yuy�s had, and he had told him that he would take care of him. Maybe it was time for all of that. He paused in his thoughts as Duo started to mumble in his sleep. Through the jumble of nonsense noises, Wes caught one word. �Heero�.

Wes narrowed his eyes at the sleeping teenager, but then smirked. In the past, he would have dragged Duo out of sleep and punished him in some way. It did irritate him, having the boy he loved say that little punk�s name, but he let it go. Maybe he was getting softer, the older he got, but he let Duo sleep. That was one loose end he needed to take care before they left. As soon as Duo said yes, Heero Yuy�s time was up. He had stolen Wes� property and had kept Duo away from him for too long. But, more importantly, as long as the shit was still alive, Duo would be conflicted about being with him, and Wes refused to have that.

From the moment that Duo had confessed to making friends with the Japanese boy, Wes had known it was going to be trouble. Sure, he had decided to have Duo to steal from the boy, but he had somehow known that he should have just severed all ties to begin with. If it hadn�t been for Yuy�s prestigious family, he would have killed him as soon as possible. Instead, he had made a huge mistake and had let him live. But the first thing he was going to do once Duo made up his mind was make up for that mistake.

Normally, he would make it as messy and painful as possible, make the kid realize who he had messed with. And how perfect would it be to make him scream in front of Duo, to make Duo see how pathetic he was, that a teenaged punk couldn�t possibly satisfy him, only a man could. But that would only upset Duo. For some reason that Wes couldn�t understand, his boy actually cared about that prick. It wasn�t the money, Duo wasn�t like that. Hell, Duo was the only person Wes had ever met who wasn�t like that, but whatever it was, he certainly didn�t see it. Regardless, for the boy he loved, he�d make it quick. A car crash or something. Duo wouldn�t even need to know he had been the one who had done it, he would just think it had been an accident. Then, his choice would be unburdened. In the end, Duo would be his and Heero Yuy would be dead, just like how it always should have been.
　

　

End Part 10
　

This part was truly an upward battle trying to finish. *sigh* Such is the way of the world, I fiddled with it, adding a page or two here and there as I worked on finals and Poisoned Memories, plus job training, until, after about a month, I found myself at 23 pages. I sat down today and looked at this and thought, �this is utterly ridiculous, I should have finished this weeks ago!� So, I resolved to do some work on it, like about five pages, since I finally had some free time. I ended up writing twenty pages in around four hours. I hate my brain. Of course, by the time I finished those last pages, I felt like I had just purged my soul from my body, but I was just happy that I managed to finish it. The entire time I was writing this, I kept thinking, �Aaargh, why is their relationship so fucking weird?!� No, really, I started this story years ago with Duo being the victim and Wes being the comic book-ish villain that everyone hates, and it has now morphed into this weird relationship that is so confused and twisted that it weirds me out sometimes.
Also, writing this back to back with Poisoned Memories may have broken a circuit in my brain. Too much angst makes Shii depressed and twitchy. But I will not stop until I have reached the resolution of this conflict! *brandishes sword and shield* (or in Poisoned Memories� case, reached the climax of angstyness) This is exactly the problem with these two stories, one goes uphill and the other goes downhill. For every moment of catharsis in this story, there�s trauma in the other. It just makes me tired.
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The Road to Kindness