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Atavism	By : ctsama Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 9192 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball, Dragonball Z, Dragonball Super, Resurrection 'F', or Battle of Gods or the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Helping Hands

Once the initial storm of emotion passed everything in Goku demanded that he return to Vegeta, to beg his forgiveness, speak to his neglected unborn children and make things right, but his own instincts hadn’t exactly been on point lately. It was long past time to listen to his mate’s words.

‘You can’t keep ignoring him, Kakarot. Speak to your son or none of us will ever be what we should!’

But he knew Vegeta couldn’t handle the events of the last few days, not alone. That ability had been lost the moment Vegeta had chosen to let Goku into the depths of his soul; if he hadn’t completely withdrawn into himself by now it would be a miracle. He reached across their bond anxiously, needing to restore their connection to the proper balance again only to be disappointed. He found that true to his word, even after all he’d put Vegeta through he hadn’t blocked him out of pain or even anger. Somehow he knew that even during the worst of his actions Vegeta had been reaching out to him, trying desperately to just be heard.

Though the way between them was clear Vegeta’s presence remained out of reach. He felt the pain in Vegeta’s soul like a vice but it was subdued somehow, far less than it should have been for such a traumatic ordeal.

Instinctively he gathered himself to push harder, to try and break through to his mate but his efforts were firmly repelled. And though he’d never felt that particular touch before he knew from Vegeta’s descriptions exactly what it was.

‘Whis. Of course.’

Goku backed off. As much as he hated that someone else had been forced to take his place, he knew Whis could and would protect Vegeta’s mind until he could take over once more.

And so he stayed with Gohan on the banks of that indifferent river, finally doing what Vegeta had been telling him he needed to do. Father and son talked for hours, through the day and into the night. It didn’t take him long to understand what Vegeta kept trying to tell him, that Gohan had become more like him. He was so much more confident now. The way he sometimes agonized over his words or decisions, questioning and doubting himself, sometimes even seeming uncomfortable in his own skin were all things of the past. And after the battle they’d just had it was clear that Gohan fully enjoyed fighting now, he no longer feared the power within him. Accepting it had been the key to learning and controlling it. Gohan was a warrior through and through as Goku always wanted him to be.

And yet, in all the ways that mattered he had stayed the same kind, good-natured boy he’d always been. He’d become the father he had always wanted for himself, and though his heart belonged in two places Gohan was doing everything in his power to make sure Videl fully understood how much she was loved and treasured.

It occurred to Goku that after all he’d done in his madness, his son had been a better husband and father than he’d ever been. And since they’d begun reconciling he’d done just as well by Vegeta.

After a moment’s thought, he decided that was something his eldest needed to hear. Gohan managed to stave off another round of tears, settling instead for another fierce hug, feeling something broken inside him finally beginning to mend.

His father… was proud of him.

__________________________________________________________________________________
“Now that you’re not so angry anymore, what are you going to do about Vegeta? Would it really be so bad to rule with him? You have to know how much he needs you going into all this stuff in the other universe.”

“I don’t know, there’s so much about this I can’t understand. I haven’t been able to think right since I started blocking him out.”

Gohan rubbed the side of his head thoughtfully. “Without him you’re down a ton of RAM,” he mused aloud.

“I… what? Wait… yeah, I’m doing the best I can just knowing you’re talking about a computer thing and not the animal.”

“Yeah,” Gohan chuckled. “RAM. The stuff in a computer that kinda acts like a person’s short-term memory and makes it better at multitasking… like the more the computer has, the more it can effectively think about at a given time. Plugging in to Vegeta gave you a serious upgrade.” Goku glared sideways at his son and the chuckle grew to a full-on laugh. “Come on, I don’t mean that you were a dummy before that, and you’re doing just as much for Vegeta as he’s doing for you. But Bulma must have told you she thinks that blow to the head you took as a baby messed with more than just your memory.”

“Yeah, she said something about that, but I wasn’t really listening,” Goku chuckled a little sadly.

“Well, she thinks Vegeta’s giving you back what you lost, and more. You must have noticed how much easier you’ve been thinking deeply about things, noticing things and linking patterns that wouldn’t have thought twice about before. It’s not just me, everyone has noticed how much more plugged in you’ve been.”

“Yeah, I definitely noticed. I didn’t realize how much until now though. Trying to think through anything without him is like trying to slog through mud. Gohan, I… I know we’re just getting back on track but I need your help here. It never even occurred to me to ask him why he never told me about being King. I was just so pissed off that he hadn’t I just… Will you?”

Gohan smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. This was Goku, this was the man he was inside, not that snarling ball of hatred that he’d fought just hours ago. As a child he had idealized his father, had seen him as a figure of perfection that - try as he might - he could never be good enough for. But now he knew the man, knew of the overriding shortcoming that plagued his life, the gap that his connection to Vegeta had closed: obliviousness. It had caused Goku problems since he was young, making him leap before he looked, making him too quick to believe in lies because he couldn’t - or wouldn’t - think things through.

It was a failing he himself had taken advantage of. It had been all too easy to convince his father of Vegeta’s false faithlessness, making him abandon his unacknowledged mate when Vegeta most needed him.

Even without the desire to make up for past wrongs or help his father, Gohan knew that by coming to his aid he was helping Vegeta as well. “Of course, Dad. This is Vegeta we’re talking about. He doesn’t think that he deserves the title of ‘King.’ His strength was unquestioned and yet his race was murdered when he wasn’t there. It doesn’t matter that even if he had been there all he could realistically have done would have been to die along with them, it’s just another part of the guilt he’s been trying not to feel since he was a boy. He sees himself as a failure, that he couldn’t protect his people like he thinks a real king should have.”

Goku groaned, dropping his head to his knees and roughly raking his hands through his hair. Gohan’s words rang too true, his mate had always had the nasty habit of taking far too much on his shoulders. “He tried to tell me, I just… wouldn’t hear him. I can’t believe I stopped listening to him like that. You said… you said you saw him. What did I do to him, Gohan?”

Gohan shook his head sadly at the plea in his father’s eyes, understanding what he was asking for. “I can’t show you. He doesn’t want you to know and I won’t betray that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Goku sighed wearily. “I think I know. And if I’m right… what if he hates me… what if he’s afraid of me? He was supposed to be safe with me, if no one else.”

“He couldn’t hate you even when he was trying his best. As for the rest, I just don’t know. But he never stopped wanting to help you. He only wanted you back and that has to count for a lot. I wish I had a better answer for you.”

Goku smiled a little at his son, wondering at his desire to help after all that had passed between them. “It’s okay. You’re right. I’ll make it right again. I just wish I knew where to start!”

“Oh Dad, my poor, poor big bad God of Destruction Dad,” Gohan said, bumping his father affectionately with his shoulder. As difficult as it was to help his father reconnect with someone he so badly wanted, he couldn’t help wanting them both to be happy - and he knew that would only happen if they were side by side. “You both need each other. And more than that, he loves you more than you understand sometimes, I think. Start by giving him what he’s been missing. Actually…” Gohan mused, ticking his finger against his cheek. “Bulma might have something that can help.”

“It’s almost midnight. She’s gonna be pissed. Say, how about you go get it and meet me somewhere?”

“No way, I’ve got to get home. It’s part of the deal: I don’t lie to Videl, I tell her everything she wants to know and I don’t leave her alone at night without telling her first. Sorry, you’re on your own with Bulma. But…” He swallowed hard. He almost didn’t want the night to end. “This has really been one of the best nights of my life, Dad. I hope… that we can do it again. I’d like that. A lot.”

“Yeah. I want that too,” Goku smiled, feeling just as warmed by their time together as Gohan. Though Piccolo had been more of a dad to Gohan than he himself had been, maybe it wasn’t too late to be a father. He pulled Gohan into one more heartfelt hug before bidding him goodbye.

Goku was alone once more to chuckle to himself, his son’s love lightening his heart. It seemed it was a night for miracles.

Maybe Bulma wouldn’t actually kill him for interrupting her beauty sleep.

________________________________________________________________________________
Goku’s Transmission landed him in his living room. It was quiet even though he could feel the guests in the house. He set the two rectangular boxes in his arms down on a coffee table to look in on the closest guest bedroom. He smiled wistfully to find Pima and Shishi curled up with their Papa Piccolo. He knew the Namekian was probably just deep in meditation, lying with them simply to give them the comfort they needed from seeing their Daddy so hurt.

Piccolo had done an amazing job in raising Gohan, and now in raising the girls. “Thanks, Piccolo,” he whispered quietly. He moved to close the door again but Piccolo’s equally quiet - and heavily sarcastic - voice surprised him.

“I didn’t do it for you. I figured maybe if someone with some sense raised these kids they wouldn’t turn out to be complete idiots like you and Vegeta.”

Goku closed the door with a chuckle. Piccolo had a point.

He picked up the boxes once more and began the long journey up the stairs to try and repair the damage he’d caused to his bond with Vegeta. He still couldn’t feel his mate, only white noise and strangely, faint, bell-like music.

The door to their bedroom was open and the dim light of a lamp on its lowest setting illuminated the shirtless figure in the bed. Whis was there as Goku knew he would be, sitting in a chair next to the first real friend he’d allowed himself to have in eons uncounted. His eyes were closed in concentration, one hand resting on Vegeta’s bare chest.

Goku almost dropped the boxes in his arms at the sight. Thanks to Dende there were no more marks or injuries to betray the pain of his own careless treatment, but nothing could hide the thinness of Vegeta’s body. Goku realized he’d stopped making sure Vegeta wasn’t overdoing it with training, he’d stopped bringing Vegeta meals long ago… he hadn’t even seen Vegeta eat anything in days.

He’d always thought it strange. No matter what Freeza had done to him, or the tortures or beatings he’d survived Vegeta had never had trouble eating. Only real strife between him and his mate had the power to twist Vegeta’s guts up so badly he lost his appetite.

His heart dropped. After everything he’d done to convince his fiercely independent mate that he was trustworthy with the most important things, this was what he did with the faith Vegeta had given him.

In a near panic Goku reached out to the developing minds of his unborn children and found them contently sleeping. He breathed a little easier even though he knew Vegeta would never have allowed them to come to harm.

“Why can’t I feel you?” he asked quietly. “I’m not blocking you anymore-”

“It’s because I’m not letting you,” Whis murmured, startling Goku. “He was suffering so badly he was barely functioning,” said Whis, still unmoving. Goku didn’t look at him, couldn’t have if he wanted to; his mate held his attention. “The pain is still there, I’m only holding back the tide of it. If I don’t stay like this it starts to overwhelm him. If I stop what I’m doing… if I stop, you will have to take over once more. ...Is that why you’re here, Goku?”

“Yes. I talked to Gohan like Vegeta was telling me. And he was right. It wasn’t exactly a smooth conversation but… we settled a lot of things that needed settling and I’m not overloaded with anger anymore. But if I ever start to feel that… that hatred again, about anything, I know what to do.”

Whis’ eyes finally opened and that lavender gaze pierced him. “And what is that?”

Goku’s impatience flared but he did his best to smother it. He knew what this was, that he was dealing with Vegeta’s extraordinarily powerful - and rightly pissed off - closest friend. He had no doubt that the wrong words now would end in Whis blasting him right through the wall and halfway to the next universe over; Whis wasn’t about to hand Vegeta’s mind over to him once more until he could prove he wasn’t going to keep hurting him as he had been. All he could do was speak from his heart and hope the right words would just come to him; it was so difficult to think…

“If anything goes wrong I’ll do what I should have done in the first place. Get Vegeta to help me and actually listen even if I don’t like what he’s saying. That’s how this all started,” he smiled without humor. “There’s so much ‘new’ in all this for him that… somewhere along the line I forgot that I have a lot to learn too. I was… doing what I’ve always done when someone tells me what I don’t want to hear. I just stop listening, just block it out. I did it with Chi-Chi, I did it if someone told me to stay out of a fight I really wanted…” So whenever Vegeta would tell me to talk to Gohan I just… stopped listening like I’ve always done. I didn’t even think about it.”

“I tried to warn you once before how dangerous it would be to fail to heed his wishes. These humans… They seem to accept that a certain amount of disregard of their partner’s words or wishes will occur in their relationships, but Vegeta is not human, and whether you like to admit it or not, neither are you. That kind of thinking is dangerous to the both of you.”

“I know that now! And I know this is my fault! All I can do now is try to fix it and not fuck up like this again. Look, I finally understand now. One soul in two bodies. We both cover the broken parts in the other.”

“Why should I potentially subject him to more of your mistakes? You’ve made a mess of things.”

“Because you can help him, hell, Gohan could have helped him too if he hadn’t been more loyal to me than I deserved. But I’m the only one who can heal him and we both know it. Let him go, Whis. I need him back, and he needs me too!”

Goku held his breath while Whis studied him, his face giving nothing away. Finally he nodded, looking satisfied if not exactly pleased.

“Go. Wait in the hallway.”

Goku’s face drew down into a scowl, but Whis interrupted with one of his own before Goku could start arguing. “I know. I know you are suffering as well, and I know you didn’t intend for any of this to happen. As a matter of fact, I’ll probably come to you and apologize soon for being so harsh. But you must understand something. While you are struggling without him, he cannot function without you, not for long. That won’t always be the case; eventually - if you help him - he’ll learn to process all those emotions he made himself stop feeling so long ago on his own. But for now he needs more care than you do, and he’s going to get it. If he’s stable enough to see you, I will call for you. If not… you will do what you’ve forced him to do on your account time and time again. You will wait.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________
As one song ended another swept in to spin another from its fading remnants. When he reached out to the children within him he found similar melodies comforting them as well. The gentle bells were all-encompassing, never ending and yet Vegeta knew he would never tire of it. Goku’s arms had been around him the last time Vegeta had felt this protected from the terrors in his own mind.

That dark chaos was still there outside the music’s cocoon, reaching its demanding tentacles out to try and ensnare him now and again. Sometimes they touched him because the music had faded too much, and those chilling touches brought heartache and despair that suffocated him.

But those times had become less frequent, and eventually it had come to remain comfortably close. Now the music wove melodies and rhythms that pushed the pain to a safe distance and kept it away.

He felt it, tried to learn it but it was too complex to imitate, too intricate to memorize. He had no choice but to feel it, to let it protect him.

Eventually that glorious music changed, coming together and making words again. He felt it singing his name and he reached back, answering in kind.

//Whis. It’s been you, all this time?//

Of course. Who else would be so noisy?

Vegeta’s amusement at such a ridiculous thought touched him. The ‘noise’ was beautiful and welcome.

Don’t flatter me too much, I might not leave! How are you feeling now?

Vegeta balked in embarrassment, knowing now that Whis had been holding him steady for some time now. //I’m fine, there’s no need to keep doing this for me-//

No! That’s not it at all. It’s… Goku is here. He wants to see you.

Vegeta shied away from the knowledge, not much but enough for Whis to feel it. You were correct in thinking that his feelings about Gohan and his place in your lives were the cause of his blackouts and changes in behavior. He’s back in control of himself - well, as much as he can be without you - or I wouldn’t even be bothering to tell you he was here.

//This wasn’t his fault Whis. What did you do?//

Well, I will admit to having a bias on that score… But I only did what I had to do: I stuck my finely sculpted nose right in your business, and before you get irritated with me, I only did what the girls were telling me to do. So much depends on both you and Goku… the fate of your people across two universes, the very fate of this universe, your families… I won’t let it all come down because you both entered into a bond without knowing how it worked. Now, now. None of that…

Whis paused, lacing together a string of notes to drive away the knee-jerk responses of shame and guilt.

That has no place, not between us. You don’t have to see Goku until you feel ready. Would you like to rest a while longer? I’ll throw him right out the window if you say so.

//… Not funny, Whis.//

Ah, ah, ah. I can feel you laughing!

//Shit, I forgot. Well, as amusing as that would be, I’m feeling stronger. I’ll… I’ll see him.//

Let me at least bring you something to eat first-

//I couldn’t eat right now if I wanted to. If I’m going to stand a chance of recovering before Cabba has to return to Universe 6 Kakarot and I need to be…//

He fumbled with the words but Whis had no need of them. You need to be one again. I understand. If you’re sure.

Reluctantly Whis withdrew and Vegeta immediately missed the calming influence. At least he felt steady for the moment. It wouldn’t last long, but hopefully he’d have enough time for whatever needed to be done.

“If this doesn’t work, for any reason… keep in mind that this was no burden. In fact, I must say that I enjoyed it; I could do it forever,” Whis smiled honestly. “And if you ever tire of me, Gohan could do just as well.”

Vegeta snorted at the idea of ever getting tired of the kind of tranquility he just experienced. ‘Thank you’ seemed so inadequate for what Whis had done for him. Without thinking he reached out to the startled immortal’s face, bringing their foreheads together. “Somehow I doubt that. Thank you, my… my friend,” he finally said.

Whis smiled, relaxing into the unexpected, but welcome touch of the man whose offer of friendship had ended his loneliness and brought him back to life. “Assuring the well-being of the God of Destruction is my job, but it’s never before been my pleasure. You are most welcome.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________
Goku waited without his usual restless pacing, partially to prove to Whis that he could, and partially to collect what thoughts he could gather. Finally Whis opened the door and emerged, eyeing him hard for a moment. “You only have half an hour or so before he’ll need help again. Resolve things between you in that time or call for me.” Goku nodded, intent on restoring the balance between them on his own. Whis left him, but Goku had a feeling he wasn’t going to go very far until he was sure Vegeta was safe with him again.

And as much as he wanted to be insulted, he found that he couldn’t blame Whis one bit.

Vegeta was sitting on the edge of the bed where Whis must have left him. He was more dressed now, wearing a soft cotton t-shirt that hung off a too-slight frame. Goku swallowed hard, staring at the slumped back. He wanted to throw himself at Vegeta’s feet and beg his forgiveness but that wouldn’t solve anything. Forgiveness between them came so easily, even when either one of them didn’t think he deserved it.

Vegeta’s trust was all that mattered now, and that wouldn’t come as easily.

Vegeta didn’t move as he entered, didn’t turn to face him. He just stared out of the dark window. “Well?” Vegeta said quietly, finally breaking the silence. “What do you want from me now?”

********************************************************************************************************************************************
Next: Goku gives Vegeta a gift that he sorely needs in the hopes that it will be enough to heal the rift between them.

Side note: thanks for sticking with me while I address Gohan’s unresolved Daddy issues; I swear, between Goku and Chi-Chi’s parenting and his traumatic childhood it’s a wonder the boy is even sane… he’s one resilient SOB and I felt that needed story time.

Zeo: I’ve spent so much time yelling at Goku during the course of DBZ over so very many things (#PiccoloIsGohan’sRealDadLol) I felt I had to bring some of that here. He’s far from perfect; hell, even the whole attitude shift of ‘killing is wrong’ annoys me, his original series kill count is crazy high, lol! Thanks for the head’s up on the typo, I’ll get it fixed, and for slogging through such heavy subject matter with me. We’ll be through it in the next chapter, and then we get to play with Universe 6!
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Atavism