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Equus	By : Deb Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 2855 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. I do own the equines though, please do not take them without permission. Written for pleasure not profit.

Chapter List
- 43
- 44
- 45
“Equus”
Chapter 44
Somehow Duo managed to finish the consults that evening. Hilde and Catherine both knew something had happened, and whilst they were curious to know, neither one wanted to outright ask Duo what the problem was. It wasn't until the last client had left for the evening that Catherine decided to take the bull by the horns and speak up.
“Is everything okay, Doctor Maxwell?” she asked when Duo came into the reception area and hung his white coat on the back of the door.
Knowing the woman was only concerned for his well being, Duo sighed and scratched the back of his neck. “Sort of,” he replied. Noting the raise of an eyebrow from Hilde, Duo's shoulders slumped. “Sergeant Williams called to let me know the preliminary hearing is on Friday.”
“Oh.” Catherine looked a little uncomfortable.
“Do you have to attend?” Hilde asked.
“No, it's not mandatory.”
“Thank goodness,” Catherine muttered. “You've got more than enough to deal with without seeing that asshole again, pardon my language.”
It was Duo's turn to raise an eyebrow. Very rarely did Catherine ever use any form of curse words so Duo knew the woman was seriously pissed off.
“If he's got any sense he will plead guilty. The coppers have more than enough evidence to convict him,” Hilde commented.
“I hope he pleads guilty too,” Duo said quietly.
“Yeah, the little shit should. If not, he doesn't stand a chance given all the forensic evidence, statements and such. I'm sure everyone will be more than happy to take the stand in your favor. Ah, shit. Duo, I'm sorry.”
Hilde's little rant had caused Duo's mind to shift into overdrive. If Stefan did plead not guilty then everything would be laid out in black and white, and Duo wasn't looking forward to having his private life aired out like yesterdays laundry in public – despite the officer's reassurance that it would be a closed court. Somehow the press always seemed to get wind of these sorts of things and Duo didn't want to become the topic of idle gossip in Salsbury; he'd had enough of that in the past with Relena. With Duo's features paling further, Hilde realized her mistake.
“I'm sorry, Duo,” Hilde repeated, “Sometimes my mouth engages before my brain.” Hilde was feeling rather upset with herself for causing her kind boss more distress.
“It's okay, Hilde, I know you didn't mean any harm,” Duo replied.
“What you need is some serious cuddle time with Heero,” Catherine stated calmly. When the vet's face saddened further, Catherine instantly knew there was something seriously wrong. “What is it, Duo? Is there something wrong with Heero?” Hilde also picked up on Duo's discomfort and immediately zeroed in on her boss.
“He's not hurt, is he? He didn't have a problem with that fuckwit when he came to take his horse, did he?” Hilde asked with a growl. “I'll fucking rip the bastard a new one if he's done anything to hurt Heero. It's bad enough that he hurt you.”
“What is it with all the fucking violence lately?” Duo snarled, his voice rising. “Everyone seems to think I can't take care of myself, that they need to step in and punch the living shit out of anyone that so much as looks at me the wrong way. I'm not weak, I can stand up for myself; I don't need a bunch of women or Heero to fight my battles for me,” he stormed.
Both Hilde and Catherine recoiled in shock. Never had they seen Duo so angry, so upset.
“Duo, I didn't mean to imply that you can't look after yourself,” Hilde began, her voice tentative
“No, no one seems to imply it, but you're all fucking well thinking it. Hey look, there's the long haired freak; with hair that long he must be a fairy and weak, let's have some fun with him. Poor Duo, he's so feminine looking he won't be able to fight back so we have to do it for him. I'm sick and tired of hearing it, of having people resort to violence because they think I need looking after. I'm not made of glass, I might be gay but I'm not a weak pansy; I'm a fucking man for crying out loud and I can fight my own battles! Just leave me the fuck alone!” Duo slammed his fist into the door of the reception area, punching a rather impressive hole into it.
Anger still running rampant through his system, Duo spun around and charged out of the reception area, along the corridor and out the door. He needed time alone to calm himself down, needed to get away from everyone and everything otherwise his rage would get the better of him and he just might end up hurting something other than the door.
Catherine and Hilde watched in stunned silence as Duo lost his temper. When he hit the door, both women jumped. The slamming of the back door to the practice jolted them both back to the here and now.
“Oh shit,” Hilde whispered, the blood having drained from her face.
“I think we royally screwed that up,” Catherine commented, her face just as pale as her girlfriend's.
“I wasn't implying that Duo couldn't take care of himself or that he's weak by any means,” Hilde said, her voice cracking. Catherine stood up and enveloped her lover in her arms.
“It's okay, Hilde. I know you didn’t mean any harm, just as Duo does, but I think there's a lot more to this. Something tells me there's a problem between Duo and Heero.”
“What makes you say that?” Hilde was fighting back tears at having upset her boss so much.
“I can understand Duo being defensive and the anger I would expect given what he's gone through, but I would expect that anger to be channeled towards that idiot for what he's done, not towards Heero or any of us. Given what he's said about people fighting his battles for him leads me to think that something did happen when that asshole came to collect his horse and that Heero was involved in more than a slanging match with him.”
“I suppose that would explain Duo's short fuse, and I guess my rant didn't help any.”
“No, it wouldn't, but then again, we can't treat Duo any differently than we normally would. We can't be on eggshells all the time, it's not going to help him or us any.”
“But we can't ignore what happened to him either and carry on as if it never happened,” Hilde argued.
“No, we can't.”
“Then what the hell are we supposed to do?”
“I don't know, Hilde, I really don't know.”
*
Duo fled the practice, his feet taking him along the path towards the cottage. Stopping just short of the back door, Duo paused in his flight. He really didn't want to go back into the cottage and face Heero – especially as his rage was still bubbling through him. Normally he would seek solace in the practice stables, but since the rape he was reluctant to spend much time in there by himself given the memories it evoked.
Something brushed against his leg and Duo jumped a mile into the air. “What the fuck?” he cried out, spinning around and searching with fists clenched for whatever it was that had tried to attack him.
A pair of green eyes peeked at him from beneath a shrub.
“Smokey,” Duo breathed and relaxed a touch.
Hearing her name the cat snuck out from under the bush she'd dived into when Duo had reacted badly to her brushing against him. Warily she approached and gave a soft meow.
“Come here, girl,” Duo coaxed and squatted down, reaching out a hand. Smokey approached and head butted Duo's hand. Quickly, Duo scooped the cat up into his arms and cuddled her close. Standing, he walked towards the small patio area attached to the cottage and sat down in one of the chairs there. Bringing the cat closer to him he buried his face in her warm fur and hung on for dear life.
“What am I going to do, Smokey? I realize that all people are trying to do is protect me and help me through this, but I don't need their mother hen tendencies, I am a man and I can stand on my own two feet.”
Smokey purred and did her best to rub her face against Duo's cheek.
“Why can't things go back to how they were before?” Duo whispered into the cat's fur.
The longer he sat there with the cat, the more his anger left him. Gradually Duo began to relax a bit, his mind still churning things over in it and looking for possible solutions to his current, emotional state. Giving a sigh he realized he wasn't going to find a miracle cure overnight, this was something that would take time to overcome, time to adjust to and time to accept.
Gradually his stranglehold on the cat eased and Smokey curled up against him, sensing he needed comfort and resting her upper body against Duo's chest whilst her back half remained in his lap. Gently she kneaded her paws against him and continued with the low, rumbling purr. The sound did help to ease Duo's emotional turmoil a touch and he found himself staring off into the evening, hand absently caressing the cat's fur.
“Duo?”
The soft calling of his name brought Duo from his mindless wanderings and back to the present state. He looked up to see the shadow of Heero on the edge of the patio.
“Duo? Are you okay?” Heero had finished bringing the horses in and fed them all. With the stables closed up for the night he'd come back to the cottage to find it empty. Not that it bothered him, given the time he knew Duo would still be in evening consults. When seven-thirty came and went with still no sign of his partner, Heero had begun to get worried. He knew Duo was in a fragile state and given their argument from earlier, he wasn't sure if Duo was avoiding him or just caught up with consults.
By eight o'clock and still no sign of his lover, Heero had gone up to the practice to see if Duo needed a hand and how long he would be. It came as a shock to him to find the practice in darkness and all locked up for the night. The feeling of unease had grown in his gut and he'd swiftly gone back to the cottage. Duo's car was still parked up which meant he hadn't gone on a call out. A search of the practice stables drew a blank too – not that Heero expected to find Duo there given the recent events, but it paid to check.
Heero had scoured the surrounding area, even going so far as to check the horses and stables again just in case Duo had gone there to check on Nataku. Having knocked on Zechs' door only to have the blonde vet tell him he'd not seen a trace of Duo either and Heero's mind had gone to emotional panic.
Heading back to the cottage, Heero was contemplating calling the police and reporting Duo missing when he heard a soft sound coming from around the side of the cottage. Quietly he made his way there, listening intently. Of course, the patio, he thought to himself. Drawing closer he could hear what appeared to be a purring noise. Cautiously Heero approached and paused at the side of the patio. Peering around he could make out the figure of Duo sitting in one of the chairs, Smokey cuddled close to him.
Watching for a couple of seconds, Heero moved forward a little and softly called Duo's name. There was no verbal response but Duo did turn to look in his direction so with his heart in his mouth, Heero tried again. “Duo? Are you okay?”
A mix of anger, and hurt flowed through Duo. His heart ached and he didn't know what to do anymore. He let go a deep sigh. “No, I'm not okay, but I guess I have to live with that,” he returned.
Considering their fight earlier, Heero knew he was on shaky ground, but that didn't mean he was about to concede the battle. “I made dinner if you're hungry.”
With a grunt, Duo stood up, Smokey still held close to his chest. “Thanks but I think I'll take a shower and go to bed.” Without making eye contact, Duo brushed past his partner and went into the cottage.
Heero followed a moment later, his heart a lump of lead in his chest.
* * *
When Heero awoke the next morning he had to check the clock to see the time. It was quite dark in the bedroom but it wasn't that early either. The sound of rain drumming on the roof greeted his ears and he knew then why the room was still dark. Turning his head he could see Duo still sound asleep beside him, although it was unusual for Duo to be so far across the bed from him. Normally he would wake up with Duo either wrapped around him or spooned to his back.
Thinking to himself, Heero guessed he really couldn't blame Duo. The vet had taken his shower and immediately gone to bed the previous evening. Heero had taken his own shower and sat up to watch a little television; not that he saw the screen, his mind was busy tossing things around. Eventually he'd given up. Turning the television off, Heero had wandered down the hall and paused at the guest room. He wasn't sure if he should sleep in there or in his usual place with Duo. He didn't know what reception he would get from his lover, after all, Duo had told him earlier he could leave.
Deciding to risk it, Heero had slipped into their shared room. Duo had been a lump under the covers, snoring softly. Pausing to gaze at his lover's features, Heero felt the tug to his heart as he studied the other man. Duo's face looked relaxed and peaceful in sleep, completely the opposite to the snarling, snapping man of earlier. Shaking his head, Heero had slipped under the covers and did his best to fall asleep.
It had been very difficult to say the least. No goodnight kiss, no cuddling up together and Heero sorely missed his partner's warmth. Eventually he'd dozed off into a fitful sleep.
The sound of the rain beating down suited Heero's mood perfectly. Recalling they had an appointment with Jamieson that morning, Heero thought he'd best get moving. Pushing the covers away he got out of the bed as quietly as he could and fetched some clean clothes. He went through to the bathroom to get dressed, hoping that Jay would be able to help them sort through the minefield of problems they were currently experiencing.
*
When Heero returned to the kitchen after feeding the horses, putting them out and cleaning the stables, he found Duo sitting with the local paper and a mug of tea. On the kitchen bench sat another mug, milk and sugar already in the cup and the tea pot standing beside it. Shaking the water from his hair, Heero shed his driazabone and hung it in the laundry. Padding back in his socked feet, he poured himself a cup of hot tea and sat opposite his lover.
“It's very wet out there,” Heero commented, attempting to make conversation.
Duo grunted and continued to read.
“You want any breakfast?”
“No, thank you.”
“Duo, you didn't have dinner last night either. You have to eat something,” Heero tried again.
“I'm not hungry,” Duo growled.
Realizing that if he were to continue he would only end up in another fight, Heero gave it up. He finished his tea and made himself a couple of slices of toast.
Duo went up to the surgery to start morning consults and arranged for Zechs to take over and complete all the remaining consults when he had to leave for his appointment. Luckily they weren't fully booked that morning but even so, Zechs would be kept very busy with his own and now Duo's consults as well. The blonde didn't mind though, Duo was a fair and just employer, unlike his last few months at Oakford with Anderson and Zechs was quite happy to help out in any way he could.
Catherine was on duty in the reception area and as much as she wanted to apologize to Duo, the vet didn’t give her the chance. Duo simply took his client files, called the client through and treated the animal. He even managed to be alone with the male clients and not lose his outer calm.
Soon enough ten-thirty rolled around and Duo left to attend his appointment with Doctor Jamieson. Heero was waiting for him at the cottage and the pair got into Heero's car in silence.
* * *
Jay sat and listened as Duo poured the entire, sorry tale out to him. It took a lot for Duo to relate everything that had happened and he was brutally honest about it all too. He figured Jay needed to know the entire truth if he was going to be able to help him at all.
When Duo had finished, Jay sat in quiet contemplation for a few moments. “How did you feel after your argument with Heero?” Jay asked.
“Angry, hurt, upset. Betrayed.”
“Betrayed?”
Duo nodded.
“Why would you feel betrayed?” Jay asked softly.
Duo leaned back in the chair and stared off out the window and into the garden. His thoughts swirled in his head until finally he spoke. “I guess I felt that Heero betrayed our trust in each other. I know he wants to protect me, I can understand that, but when he chose to have another go at that asshole, he didn't stop to think of the consequences. He put everything on the line, his career, our relationship, our future. We agreed he wouldn't do anything to that prick and then he went back on his word. He broke that trust. I trusted him and he broke that trust!” Duo couldn't help it, he broke down into sobs.
Jay gave a soft smile. “I think we've just had our first break through.”
It took Duo several minutes to compose himself and when he did, Jay continued to talk to him in a calm manner. He asked several questions. Mostly about Duo's reactions to certain things, words, feelings and the like. Duo answered honestly, even if it was painful for him to do so at times. By the time Jay called a halt to the consultation, Duo felt emotionally washed out.
“What you are experiencing is quite normal, Duo. You weren't able to fight your attacker off at the time and that has left a deep, festering wound inside. You think you should have been able to stop him and because you couldn't you now feel as if you're useless. With the people closest to you consistently offering, saying or actually committing the act of violence against the person that raped you only compounds those feelings of inadequacy. They mean well enough and they don't see that they are actually adding to the problem and this is what we need to tackle. We need to give you skills to overcome those feelings. As for Heero and breaking the trust you share, this is a slightly different thing. I will need to hear Heero's side of the story too and once I have that I'm sure we can work things out between you. It's not going to be easy though, it will take a lot of work and commitment from both of you, but with time and the skills I hope to give you, both of you should be able to find your way through this minefield and come out at the end of it stronger and wiser.”
Duo gave the doctor a shaky smile. “You make it all sound so easy.”
Jay snorted. “I really wish it were simple, but it takes dedication and hard work to overcome the human mind and the pre-programmed reactions contained therein. Now, I want to speak with Heero, then I'll call you back in, Duo.” Jay stood up, Duo following the action and heading for the door.
Moments later Heero stepped through and took up residence in the chair Duo had vacated. He couldn't help but feel worried when he'd noted Duo's red eyes as he'd stepped back out of Jay's office. Warily he watched the doctor as the older man shuffled some papers around in his hands. Picking up his pen, Jay fixed Heero with his eyes.
“Tell me what happened, from the time when you got up through to the end of the argument with Duo.”
Lowering his eyes, Heero began to speak. When he reached the part where Stefan had uttered those words, he faltered.
“It's okay, Heero. You can tell me what he said, I won't repeat anything of it to Duo,” the doctor assured.
Taking a deep breath, Heero continued with his sorry tale. “I wanted to ram my fist down his throat for those words,” Heero admitted.
“That is quite a normal reaction.”
“But Duo didn't see it that way.” Heero continued on, explaining about the argument he'd had with Duo over his actions and Duo's final words to him. “He's hardly spoken two words to me since. I know I probably should have walked away, but I couldn't. Duo is my partner, the love of my life and I couldn't stand there and do nothing whilst that prick degraded him.” It was Heero's turn to break down into tears. “I love him so much, he's my whole life, Doc. If I were to lose him I think it would kill me.”
Giving Heero a few minutes to compose himself, Jay thought long and hard on the words the young man had spoken. Once Heero was back in control of himself, Jay gave him a warm smile. “I think we've had a significant breakthrough today, for both of you.”
“We have?” Heero honestly could see it himself.
“Yes. I'm going to call Duo back in now and we're going to discuss this between the three of us.” Jay stood and moved to the door to call Duo back in. Once the vet returned and was sitting comfortably, Jay addressed the pair of them.
The doctor patiently explained that all the negativity they were feeling was perfectly natural given the circumstances. The emotions that were running through each man were also normal and expected. “Heero, you aren't sure what it is you've done wrong, all you were doing was protecting your partner from some very spiteful words. It is quite natural to want to protect the one you love from anything like this and that leads to the root of your problem. Whilst you see it as protection, Duo sees it as a betrayal of trust. Duo is feeling vulnerable enough as it is, he feels inadequate as he wasn't able to fight his attacker off and when you and Duo's other friends all insist that you will protect him, that you will 'beat the living daylights out of this perpetrator', so to speak, whilst your words and actions mean well, they are having the complete opposite effect on Duo. You are in essence making him feel even more useless and vulnerable. Duo needs to fight these demons himself if he is to ever overcome them, not have everyone else doing it for him.” Jay paused to see how both men were taking his words. Each looked deep in thought so he continued.
“Yes, Duo needs your support, but not in this manner. Sometimes it is far harder to walk away from a fight than it is to front up to it. Duo isn't so much angry at you, or the other friends, for wanting to protect him, but more for the trust that has been broken. By going after this man, you not only broke your word to Duo, but you put yourself in a position that could go badly for you. Heero, Duo needs you here with him, not in jail or on charges yourself. You say you want to protect him and help him?”
Heero nodded.
“Then you need to start doing that by ignoring the snide comments. Show the world you are by far a better man by walking away from it and continuing to stand by your partner, help him through this by using comfort, sharing yourself with him and showing him that it doesn't matter what other people think or say. You can't be there for him if you can't keep your temper in check. Duo, you need to let this anger and pain out, not in this way either. You need reassurance that you aren't weak, that you can stand on your own two feet and fight your own battles, confront your demons and the only way you can do that is for Heero to step aside and let you. Oh, I'm not saying that you should go out there and beat the crap out of your attacker – although that would be satisfaction for you in one way. No, you are stronger than that. A rapist gets his jollies by knowing he has that hold over you, not so much in the physical sense, but the emotional one. We need to strengthen your emotional state, Duo and to do that, you need to confront your fears and overcome them.”
“What you're saying does make sense, Jay, but I can't see how I can beat these feelings.” Duo looked skeptical to say the least.
Smiling, Jay looked to both men. “First off, we need to address Heero's anger management. Heero, every time you feel the urge to physically hurt someone because they threaten Duo, I want you to take a step back, count slowly to ten and look at the situation. Ask yourself, is it worth risking your career, your future for? In most cases, no, it isn't. Take a deep breath and turn your mind to more positive things, things such as your life with Duo, the high points, what it is you love about him, those sorts of things and ask yourself is it worth throwing all that away just to place your fist in someone's mouth for words that are not true? You know they aren't and so does everyone else that knows you and Duo. Think of this person as depraved and jealous, for they don't know and probably never will, the kind of love and life you both have with each other. Feel sorry for them that they have to resort to such foul lies to justify their own existence.”
When Heero actually thought long and hard at what Jay had said, he could see the logic there and admitted as much. “I'll try that, Doc.”
“It won't be easy, but I'm sure you will be able to handle it.” Jay gave Heero a pat to his hand. “Now, Duo.”
Duo looked intently at the doctor.
“You need to know that you are not weak, you're not someone who can be taken advantage of. When you feel yourself beginning to get angry and upset when people unwittingly appear to cast you as such, I want you to take that anger out on something more physical, not by fighting back with words. I'd suggest you get yourselves a punching bag. When the feelings of anger and hurt become too much, take them out on the punching bag, let your frustrations be channeled that way and if it helps, think of the bag as your attacker. I'd suggest Heero can also use the bag to alleviate any excessive frustrations and anger he has too.” Jay chuckled softly before continuing. “Heero, do you have any sort of formal training in self defense of any kind?”
“A little. I did some basic martial arts when I was younger, why?”
“Good. I'd like you to teach Duo some of those basic moves. I know Duo can take care of himself, but it never hurts to have a few more tricks up your sleeve. Having Heero teach you some basic self defense moves will not only strengthen the repertoire you already have, Duo, but will give you an outlet for your anger as well. The pair of you can spar together, that way Duo will be able to see he's not weak by any means and Heero, you will feel more settled in the knowledge that you are protecting your partner by teaching him some new skills to help him in protecting himself.”
Both men could see that what Jay was suggesting would be of benefit to both of them and they agreed to give it a shot.
“I'm afraid our time is just about up, gentlemen, but before we finish for the day, I'd like you both to talk to each other. I believe you both have a few things you need to say.”
Heero and Duo looked at each other, both knowing that their argument had been a petty one, but a necessary one. Duo decided to swallow his pride and speak first. Briefly he let Heero know exactly how he felt and why he'd reacted so badly to Heero's having attacked Stefan. In turn, Heero apologized to Duo and promised that he would be more considerate of his partner and their relationship in the future.
Doctor Jamieson knew there was more to be said and no doubt the pair would be talking for some time yet. He felt satisfied in himself that they were both now firmly on the correct road to recovery and strengthening their relationship.
Encouraging them to continue to talk to each other, Jay bid them good day and made sure that they booked another appointment for the following week. It would take several more sessions before the trauma of the events would begin to recede.
* * *
On their way home, the pair took Jay's advice and called in at a sports shop in Salsbury to purchase a punching bag. Heero also picked up a couple of training mats to use for when he started to teach Duo some basic martial arts moves. They discussed between them where they would hang the bag and put the mats, Duo suggesting the back patio would be an ideal place for the bag and the back lawn would serve as a 'training' ground for the martial arts. The mats could then be stored in Duo's garden shed alongside Jaws.
Heero just hoped the lawnmower wouldn't eat the mats.
Once they were back at the practice, Heero unloaded their purchases, placing the mats in the shed and giving Jaws a glare. The bag he took to the back patio where Duo was busy trying to pick out a strong enough beam to hold the thing. Eventually they decided on a corner beam and Duo produced a heavy duty hook and drill. Heero was more of the 'fix it' man than Duo and he soon had a hole drilled and the hook secured in place. Between the two of them they hefted the bag up and hung it – well, Heero hefted it up while Duo guided the rope at the top to the hook
“Want to try it out?” Heero asked when he'd put the drill away.
“Why not?” Duo replied with a grin. Heero stepped up to hold the bag whilst Duo positioned himself and bounced on his feet a couple of times. “Wait a moment,” Duo said and scurried off into the cottage, leaving a perplexed Heero still holding the bag. Moments later he returned with a black permanent marker pen in hand.
“Duo?” Heero questioned when his lover approached the bag on the opposite side to him.
“There, now it's all ready,” Duo stated and tucked the pen into the back pocket of his jeans. He stepped back for a moment, a wide grin on his face.
Heero's curiosity won out and he let go of the bag in favor of taking a look at what Duo had done. He shook his head when he saw the face drawn on the bag and the words “The Asshole” written underneath. He had a feeling that Duo would be hitting the bulls-eye with every punch.
~ * ~
tbc...
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Equus