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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7935 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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The Road to Kindness

Chapter 8: The Second Son

Part 13
　

Duo jolted wide awake and alert as he sensed that there was someone in front of him. He was instantly aware of the feeling of hard bark against his back, soft grass under him, the sound of summer crickets, and his own shivering. The temperature must have dropped significantly once night had fallen, and with his body covered in sweat, he felt cold and wrung out. Had he slept the entire day away? How could he have just... slept in a public park like that, as people came and went, where anyone could have kidnapped him, or stolen his things? He was also aware of one other thing, the person in front of him had a male scent, something familiar that he couldn't quite place.

This morning came back to him, uneasy memories trickling into his awareness, each one more unwanted than the previous one. Had the man gotten the bag out of the dumpster, or had someone else discovered it? He started to shake with something else besides the cold. The familiarity of this scent... Wes? There was no other man in his life that he would recognize through smell alone. But... Wes wasn't supposed to be back, yet! He had found him here, outside of the apartment... Fear started to build in him, adrenaline shooting through his veins and, if he hadn't been fully awake already, he certainly was now. If Wes found him here, in the park... did he think that he had run away again?
"And don't bother to try to run away when I'm gone-"
Duo's eyes shot open as terror made his heart hammer in his chest. His entire body tensed, almost like a muscle spasm, but more intense and painful, getting ready to run if he had to, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to outrun Wes. He was bigger, with longer legs and longer stamina. And even if he did escape, it would only be for a little while. Wes was too tenacious to let him go without his punishment, and he wasn't going to accept Duo's reasons for not being at the apartment. The possibility that this all might have been a trap entered his head, that Wes had never gone on any trip. He had waited for the nine year old to slip up and try to run away or do something else so he could fulfill his threat. He caught a flash of blonde hair and his vision grayed, his advanced state of fear too much for his small, tired body to cope with.

'He's going to pin me down and he's going to have a knife and he's going to slash my knees and I'll never be able to walk again,' he thought in a panic, so terrified that he couldn't even move to try to run away at all.

Worried, warm ruby eyes looked down on him, not cold, apathetic gray ones the color of stone. Duo had a moment of complete and total confusion, looking up into those familiar, blood-colored eyes. Shi, his mind supplied for him, but he couldn't understand what his eyes were seeing. The teenager was crouching in front of him in a sad attempt to be at his eye, but Duo was still grateful for it. Shi still had some growing in him, probably, but he was already at Wes' height and, if Duo had woken up to him standing over him instead of crouching like he was, he would have completely panicked. But he didn't know Shi, he wouldn't know him for another two years-

"Hey, kiddo, are you ok?" Shi asked in concern, reminding Duo instantly of the old woman that had stopped in the heat wave to ask him if he needed help carrying the bag, but Shi was more sincere. He was actually worried about him, not because he had been taught that he should be worried in some fake social nicety, but because it was Duo, someone he knew and cared for, a friend.

Shi reached out and touched Duo's shoulders. If anyone else had done so, he would have bolted like a skittish, stray cat. but Shi's hands were familiar. They were strong, but they didn't grab at him. They were gentle, rough, but careful. Their warmth steadied him, stilled his heart long enough for him to think clearly.

He knew Shi. He had met him just three months ago, but he already called the tall blonde a friend, if only in his head, with easiness. He wasn't nine years old, he was twelve and although his face did hurt like how it had back then, it hurt in the wrong places. His lips was still split, but it was his other eye that burned and ached, and his cheek bone hurt a lot more than it had before. His wrists were heavily bruised, too. He hadn't done anything to warrant the bruises this time. Wes had simply been angry and drunk and had taken some secret thing out on him. Just like before, he would be gone for a couple of days and he hadn't given him anymore details than that. It had been hot today, too, but nothing like it had been back then. He had gone to the park, like then, to nurse his wounds and get as far away from the apartment as possible.

Why had he dreamed about that time? If he was being honest, he hadn't thought about any of it, Wes ordering him to get rid of the girl's body or his sadistic threat, since that day three years ago. Like now, he had woken up at some time in the night and had gone back to the apartment to wait for Wes to return home like the dog that he was. He hadn't done anything in the days Wes had been gone, he hadn't even dared to turn on the TV, too scared about making a mistake.

Then Wes had come home and Duo had watched him like a mouse would watch a cat, wanting him in his sight at all times. But Wes hadn't done anything and never brought up the threat again. After the first day he had been back, Duo hadn't thought of it, either. Why? It was like he had erased it from his mind, when he should have been constantly on the alert for Wes to show any signs that he was going to handicap him, but instead he had forgotten all about it, as though he had been almost daring Wes to do it, or even more plausible, he had been unable to cope with it. Until now, when he had dreamed about it and that queasy, squirming feeling was back in his guts, but he could feel the desire to let that nightmare fade.

It was scary, the realization that he had willed himself to forget, but having those things, those words in his head was even worse. He had the sudden desire to throw his arms around Shi's neck and beg him to take him away, to save him from Wes, but he didn't. Not because he regained control over himself, but because he was terrified to move, to put any weight at all on his legs, just like before, as though no time at all had passed since then and now.

It was completely ridiculous and he hated himself for being so sensitive. He was twelve years old, maybe even older, far too old to let something like a threat from Wes get to him this badly. But every time he heard those words in his head, his entire body went weak.

"I..." Duo struggled for some kind of explanation as he saw that Shi was getting more worked up the longer he was silent, his red eyes examining every bruise with suppressed anger, but definitely not wanting him to know what he had dreamed about. Shi acted like he was this tough ass that didn't give a shit about anything, but he was neurotic about protecting people and whenever Duo talked about Wes' abuse, Shi looked like he was getting an ulcer just from keeping his urges to kill the other blonde at bay. duo was somehow sure that, if Shi found out about what Wes had said to him all those years ago, Shi might actually try to take Wes out and get himself killed.

"Wes had to go away for a few days. I didn't want to spend all day in the apartment by myself."

"Alright, but it's dangerous to be alone here at this hour," Shi said, brow furrowed in concern, "You definitely shouldn't be sleeping here. Why don't I take you home-"

"No!" Duo shouted, sitting up straight, his violet eyes wide and making him look like a startled animal.

The thought of returning to the apartment now, whether Wes was there or not, horrified him. He didn't even know why. He just felt this terror and uneasiness, to the point where his head and stomach hurt. Shi's expression hardened as he saw Duo's extreme reaction of fear. Duo was afraid that he had annoyed the blonde by yelling at him, that he was going to leave him. That idea was just as frightening as trying to sleep in the apartment alone tonight.

He wanted to cling to Shi like a dopey little kid, to beg him not to make him go back there. He felt a need, something incredibly powerful, but one that he didn't understand and couldn't put words to. If he had been a different person, that little, olive-eyed girl, perhaps, he would have recognized it easily as the desire to beg Shi to take him with him, to stay with him, to hide him and protect him from Wes, to take care of him. But Duo had been on his own for too long, had relied on only himself, that such a desire for reliance in another person was alien to him.

For a brief moment, but one that was too long to be coincidental, Shi's blood red eyes flickered to Duo's legs. Duo's heart exploded in paranoia. He knew! He couldn't possibility know, but he did! Why did that scare him so much? Shi's eyes were so old, so knowing, like some kind of omniscient God and Duo felt like it was impossible to hide from their sharpness and understanding. he had heard the blonde prostitute call himself stupid on more than one occasion, but that wasn't true at all. Duo realized that, in his outburst, his upper body had reacted in a startled movement, retracting from Shi, but his legs hadn't moved at all. And the teenager had seen it. But he couldn't have... he couldn't understand why, could he? Something like that was impossible.

Just when Duo was sure that Shi was going to ask the damning question, was going to try to pry the reason for Duo's newfound fear of his own legs out of him (and he would pry it out. Shi had the strange knack for getting him to tell the truth), Shi's eagle-like perusal softened to one that Duo was more used to seeing out of him, and stretched his hand out towards him.

"Alright. If you don't want to go there, come home with me," he said.

Duo stared up at him. That had been delivered neither as a question or an order. Come home with Shi... he almost protested it out right, but hesitated and knew fully that he only hesitated because he was so desperate for a solid reason not to go to Wes' place. Shi wasn't asking him to run away with him or offering a safe house. Just an alternative, a little bit of time away from that place.

"You've never seen my apartment, have you?" Shi caught Duo's hesitance and pressed his advantage, realizing this was about a lot more than Duo wanting to be away from his home for a little while.

Duo shook his head. He had always wanted to know about Shi and the others' living arrangements, truthfully, because ever since he had met them, he had wondered what it was like, being a whore, but having no pimp making all your life decisions for you, like you were too much of an invalid to be trusted to make choices.

"Well, it's a real shit hole," Shi laughed and Duo relaxed, enjoying the pleasant, deep sound, "Probably a lot worse than yours. The heat has been broken since the day we moved in, the electricity goes in and out like crappy wireless, and trying to get the super on the phone, let alone talk to him face to face, is like trying to get a dog to purr. But its got four walls, a floor, and a more or less intact ceiling, plus rent isn't atrocious. Want to visit for a bit? There's room for ya, and if you hate it, I can walk you back to your own-"

"Yes," Duo said quickly, not caring one bit how crappy Shi's apartment was, he just didn't want the blonde man to leave.

To his dismay, Shi withdrew his hand and Duo nearly panicked, thinking his friend was taking back his offer, but Shi merely turned so his back was to Duo and knelt back down.

"Wrap your arms around my neck," the blonde said.

"Why?" Duo asked, perplexed as to why Shi was offering to carry him, even as he felt incredibly grateful for it, his legs still feeling dead and useless.

Shi looked back at him and Duo was struck again by the expression knowing there.

"Because it will be faster," Shi lied.

Duo flung his arms around the teenager's neck, careful that he wouldn't choke him. He flinched when Shi hooked his arms under the crook of Duo's knees, hoisting him up, but the ice cold feeling that touch gave him quickly vanished. Shi's hold on his legs didn't scare him and it wasn't threatening. Instead, it comforted his scattered nerves.

"All set?" Shi asked cheerfully, noticing Duo's flinch, but not voicing the hundreds of questions he had about it.

Duo nodded and rested his head on Shi's shoulder. AS the older prostitute walked, his long, silken hair brushed against Duo's cheek. He closed his eyes, feeling sleepy again. Shi's hair smelled of sweat, not the heavy scent that Duo's customers got after getting worked up, but a testament that Shi had had a long, strenuous day, cheap shampoo, and just as cheap cigarettes. Duo knew that he had a bad smoking habit. Whenever he stopped by their corner and Shi wasn't looking for customers, he was smoking. And every time, Shi would spot Duo there and promptly, like it was a knee-jerk reaction, snub out and toss the cig.

he had the same reaction whenever Yuki was around because the Japanese boy had weak lungs, but Duo had been around Wes for so long that, while he hated the smell, he didn't cough that much anymore. Duo had asked him why he wasted a cigarette like that and Shi had told him that he had no business smoking around little kids. Duo, a little bit irked by the 'little' comment, had pointed out that he breathed in second hand smoke all the time, but Shi had just responded with 'two wrongs don't make a right, kiddo. Shi's cigarettes always smelled stale and strong, obviously the cheap generic kind that Wes wouldn't dare touch because, even though his pimp was tight with his money, he always paid more for one of his biggest vices, but Duo preferred the smell of Shi's to Wes'. He didn't really understand why that was, but some part of him got that it had nothing to do with smells.

Duo quickly found himself dozing off on Shi's back, not from exhaustion, but comfort. Being around the teenager was strange for him. Life had taught him to be very wary of boys like Shi. He loomed over him and strode in the way that a lion would, confident that this was his territory and there was nothing as powerful as him to knock him down from his domain. It was the exact way Wes and Chris walked, but with a key difference. Chris' strength and dangerous aura, his dominance over the people around him had come from practice and reputation. To Wes and Shi, it was their nature, but Wes was completely aware of how people got out of his way and used it like a weapon while Shi seemed completely oblivious of his. He only used his strength when he needed to, when one of his friends was being harassed by a john or if someone was foolish enough to assume they could take him in a fight.

Shi smiled and joked and acted like he was a fool when he was around Duo or the twins or Yuki. He was very good at it, too, a better liar than even Wes was. But Duo remembered the night they had met, the night one of his customers had tried to kill him, and how brutally Shi had killed him. How easily, just like Wes had that little girl. And how easily Shi turned to violence when something he loved was threatened.

Shi... the real Shi, was all hard edges. Duo didn't know why he acted... brighter, easier going, but there was always a darkness in his eyes, not like Wes', which the man welcomed and embraced. Shi almost... he seemed like he was well aware that that darkness was there and he hated himself for it. But then again, what did he know? he was just a dumb kid, not even a teenager yet, and in reality, he didn't actually know the tall blonde that well. There was just something about him that felt wrong. But not bad wrong. If Duo had to place what feeling that wrongness gave him, it wasn't fear. It was sadness.

He liked Shi. Out of all of their little group, the felt the most comfortable and friendly with Solo, who knew what it was like to have no childhood and had also spent most of h is life on the streets, and Solo's good nature was a lot more truthful and natural, but he liked all of them. Ironically, although he felt the most comfortable around Solo, he felt the safest with Shi. When he was with him, he felt like anything could happen, anything could come after them, and it would be ok. Shi would make it ok.

He had never, not once, in his entire life had that feeling. But Shi... he could still remember how he had pinned that man to the wall like he was no more than a child. He remembered how this one man, a burly, pompous ass that had reminded Duo a great deal of Chris, had gone after Yuki, demanding a discount because Yuki had refused him, having been done for the night. He remembered how Shi had broken the man's jaw and dislocated his should and how that man, his muscles large and defined from working out in a gym, had cowered from him, terrified and all of his bravado gone. He held no illusions that Shi might win in a fight against Wes, but when it came to the rest of the world, Duo didn't feel his usual paranoia and wariness when the older boy was around. Right before he dozed off, Duo had the stray thought that maybe this was what it felt like to have a father. Briefly, another thing occurred to him, something that was bizarrely comforting and at the same time, disturbing, that Wes, much like Shi, could also conquer the violent world that Duo had grown up in, if he wanted to. All that strength... Wes could protect him. If he had the power to take away his mobility, he had the ability to protect him, too. If he wanted to.

Duo didn't sleep for very long and he didn't dream, not even of that dead girl's eyes. He hoped that it meant that whatever was wrong with him, whatever reason his subconscious had drug out those unpleasant memories for him to watch, was over, but he didn't hold his breath. His nightmares tended to stick around for awhile. He was shocked awake by the sound of someone screaming near him and would have fallen as he flinched, but Shi still had a sturdy grip on him and didn't mind when the twelve year old tightened his grip around his neck.

The yelling had come from a surly wino who was screaming obscenities at a hooker. She was watching with wild, agitated eyes, but she knew what Duo did, that the best thing you could do in a situation like this was to stand you ground, and the absolute worst was to turn your back on the instigator, like trying to run from an attacking dog. The wino quickly got pissed that the whore wasn't rising to the fight and turned blood-shot, dark brown eyes on the two of them. His face was grizzled with stubble and his cheeks were a road map of broken blood vessels, but as unpredictable and intoxicated as the man was, Duo wasn't scared of him. He had seen men just like him a thousand times, loitering on the street corners, sleeping in the alleys he had used to hide in, and selling some of Wes' cheaper, low level drugs. It seemed like the louder a person was, the less likely they would actually do anything to you. he had learned that it was the quiet ones you had to watch out for. The clean ones wearing the suits and pleasant smiles.

Shi glared at the surly man, as if here were challenging him to start something. Duo could feel the muscles in his back tensing, ready to take him out if he had to. The man was quite drunk enough yet to take on the six foot, unfazed teenager and, grumbling, staggered off to rant at a different target. Shi continued to walk down the street as though he had such encounters every day, which was probably true. Duo very vaguely remembered this area of town. He had roamed here a few times when he had younger and food had been especially scarce. Where Wes lived wasn't exactly picturesque, but this area made it looked like the rich part of town. There wasn't a single tree or bush or other bit of green besides the chipped paint on a broken bench and some flickering neon signs. A lot of the buildings had boarded windows or were just all out condemned due to health code violations. He hadn't come here a lot because pickings were slim and people who tended to chose this part of town as their territory wouldn't think twice about snapping the neck of some scrawny kid with no gang affiliations just for daring to pickpocket in their area.

However, despite how dangerous this area was, not to mention overcrowded, Duo didn't wonder why Shi had chosen to live here. The street corner wasn't a part of this side of town and only the most desperate prostitutes peddled here. The kind of johns who looked for whores here were just as desperate, and more likely to just assault them and not pay, plus there were too many hookers and not enough streets, which led to a lot of... disputes. But this part of town was within walking distance of their corner and it was also the cheapest place to live in.

Shi entered a building that Duo had thought was derelict at first, but then saw that it was just in serious need of repairs, the brick crumbling, trash piled up on the front stairs and even in the lobby, the windows filthy, but not boarded up. It was obviously an apartment complex, but there was no doorman, no working locks, and no elevator, just a single flight of stairs and some mailboxes that were covered in several layers of cobwebs. Shi walked them to the stairs. Another possible occupant passed them and glanced at Shi, but quickly looked away and exited the building. They didn't see anyone else all the way up to the sixth floor where Shi exited the stairwell and walked down a long hallway. The tall teenager had been right, as cheap as Wes' apartment was, this building was a lot worse. more than half of the lighting fixtures didn�t work and at least a third of the ones that did flickered like something out of a horror movie. The wall paper was water damaged and peeling and there was a pervasive, moldy smell that had Duo missing the overbearing scent of Chinese food that his own apartment reeked of.

Shi opened the door to 613 without any kind of key, not paying any mind to the scratches on the door as if a large dog had tried to get in or how rusty the hinges were. The room marginally better than the hallway, but the improvements made all the difference. There were several scented candles lit and even some incense on a tiny table in the corner. The candles were the small, cheaply made ones that you could buy at the Save-and-Go a few blocks down that came in a six pack for four bucks and they had an obnoxiously strong floral scent. The incense, on the other hand, had a deeper smell like a mix of sage and cinnamon. The two smells, in any other place, would have clashed to create an almost nasty aroma, but after the long trek in the mildewy hallway, that smell was very welcome.

Shi's apartment was very sparse. There was only one bed, two chairs, a beaten and stained sofa, a tiny kitchen that looked like someone had just shoved a microwave and sink into the main room, and a small table that was covered with pieces of paper with various doodles and drawings on them, a couple of pencils, a knife, a t-shirt, and two plastic cups that needed to be washed. The room was cluttered with various bits of clothing, backpacks, a duffle bag, and other odds and ends that told Duo, along with the drawings, that Shi didn't live here by himself. There was only one window and it looked like someone had shot at it, badly cracked, but not broken.

Duo felt a small rush of excitement as he saw Amaaya sitting on the bed. She was immersed in a book, wearing only a black sports bra and black panties. Duo didn't know if she just didn�t care about wearing pajamas or it was just too hot, but her long legs were bare and stretched out on the bed. Her long hair was free falling, like it always was, and Duo knew from experience how hot that felt, but she didn't really seem all that bothered by the heat. For a moment, he was utterly transfixed by her tattoo. He had never seen Amaaya without a shirt on, though he had glimpsed the blue dragon coiled around left arm many, many times.

It was a beautiful design; a scarlet red phoenix, detailed in gold and orange flames, fought a serpentine, blue and black dragon on her back. One of the phoenix's wings and tail curled around her side and splayed over her ribs and stomach. It wasn't something you could just walk into a tattoo parlor and pick out of a book. Duo didn't know much about tattoos, but he was sure that something like that was very expensive and he had to wonder how Amaaya could have afforded it.

"I thought you went out to get some beer, not a walk around the world," she said dryly, not taking her eyes off her book.

Shi rolled his eyes and let Duo down.

"The market raised their prices again. I mean, yeah, there's cheaper shit, but it's more water than beer," he said in an annoyed tone, "I took a little walk cause it cooled down a little, and picked up something better than watered down alcohol."

That got Amaaya's attention. She put her book down and her dark blue eyes widened as she saw Duo standing there, looking unsure of himself.

"Duo!" she exclaimed, managing to sound happy, shocked, and subtly upset all at the same time, "What on Earth are you doing here?!"

She stared at Shi, accusing him of something that made her eyes look like ocean fire.

"His... keeper is gone for a couple of days. He doesn't want to be all alone in their apartment and I don't really blame him. I figured he could sleep here for the night," Shi said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.

Duo looked up at him in shock at not having realized that Shi had invited him here to spend the night. He nearly protested, but he suddenly couldn't find the words. It didn't take much effort for him to realize that the real reason why the words weren't coming to him was because he would rather sleep in Shi and Amaaya's smelly, rundown apartment than Wes'. Duo was sure that Amaaya was going to do her own protesting, but she merely narrowed her eyes at her blonde friend, not glaring at him, but searching for something.

�And you could have warned me?� she gestured down at her state of undress.

Shi snorted.

�Like he cares,� he rolled his eyes, but still gave Duo a questioning glance and Duo could have sworn that the older boy looked anxious, as though he had just been scolded by his mother and was second guessing himself.

�I-I don�t care,� the twelve year old stuttered truthfully, finding it a bit silly for anyone in their profession to be offended or embarrassed by someone lounging in their underwear, and id if Amaaya didn�t care about Shi seeing her like that, who was straight and old enough to get those kinds of urges, why should it bother him? He was also a bit mystified at how easily Amaaya could make Shi squirm, making him look, if only for a moment, like the teenager that he was instead of an adult.

�At least shut the damned door,� the blue-eyed girl said to Shi irritably.

Shi sighed heavily, telling Duo that this was a constant battle between the two of them, but he did as she asked.

�I don�t know why you�re always on my ass about that when the damned lock is broken. If someone wants to start shit, that crappy door isn�t going to stop them,� he grumbled.

�Doesn�t mean it�s ok to advertise that fact,� she snapped, �or that I want our lovely neighbors to gawk at the inside of our apartment.�

�The lock is broken?� Duo asked in surprise, �But what do you do when you�re all out working? Aren�t you afraid someone will break in and steal your stuff?�

Amaaya laughed. It was a beautiful, clear, hearty, and most of all, honest sound. Duo had never been around a whole lot of girls in his life, but most of the ones he had laughed so... daintily, so controlled and faked, as though they were trying to conceal or force it.

�No, I can�t say we�ve ever been worried about that. none of us exactly have anything worth stealing. Besides, no one would dare steal from this one�s apartment,� she pointed at Shi.

�Says the National Kickboxing and Women�s Wrestling Champion some ten years running,� Shi said cheekily.

�It isn�t that big of a deal,� Amaaya waved him off, sitting up quickly, �Half of the women who enter those wrestling tournaments just think its going to be something like foxy boxing.�

�And the other half are professional athletes,� Shi pointed out, �and the Kickboxing tournaments you compete in are gender neutral, so don�t give me that shit.�

�Then, you�re an athlete?� Duo asked, extremely interested.

He hadn�t known that Amaaya participated in fighting tournaments, let alone was a national champion. That seemed like a big deal to him, but Amaaya shook her head and duo wondered if she really thought so little of her victories or Shi had just embarrassed her by bringing it up.

�I used to rain when I was a kid, but I don�t have the time or the space for that anymore. I just compete because it�s very good money. It helps pay for rent and this year, I hope I can win enough money to buy us a decent space heater as well,� she explained.

�Not to mention its helped to scare the shit out of anyone who might think about messing with us. We have a damned good territory on that street corner,� Shi told him, �Close enough to the strip club that the guys come to us after they�ve gotten all worked up, since the dancers usually aren�t allowed to hook until after their shift, but far enough away from the cheaper bars that we don�t get a lot of sleazy drunks. But keeping up the reputation of �the golden lion and the blue dragon,� two people who are both crazy and dangerous, keeps other whores and their pimps from trying to take us out.�

Duo nodded at this. He knew this tactic from Wes. Having the reputation as someone who was ruthless and crazy, but intelligently so, was all well and good. But to have some truth and power to back up that reputation was what it really took to be a threat and deterrent to those that wanted to knock you down. There were many times when Wes could have just hurt someone or blackmailed them and, being as strangely attuned to the psychology of other people as he was, he could have known who would never give him any trouble again. But instead, he almost always chose to assassinate or butcher them. He did it partially because Wes was a man who truly believed that it was better to be safe than sorry, and partially because it sent a very clear message to everyone about the sort of business man he was.

Just take that blonde girl he had killed three years ago. She had proven not to be exactly what he had been looking for, but he could have easily stuck her in one of his brothels and benefited from her in one way or another. Instead, he had chosen to slit her throat. Duo might have hidden her body, but that was just for the cops. He was sure that, the very next day, the word had spread through all of the brothels about what happened to you if you didn�t satisfy Wes Stevens.

�In any case, that lock�s been broken ever since we moved in years back and no one�s stolen our shit yet, so we must be doing something right,� Shi said.

Despite the blonde boy�s assurances, the broken lock made Duo uneasy. It really shouldn�t. His own bedroom didn�t have a lock at all and Wes forbade him from locking any door except for the front one, so it shouldn�t make any difference, being in an apartment with a broken lock, yet he couldn�t shake this feeling of not being safe, regardless of the fact that he had never been safe, not once in his entire life.

�Does Solo live here, too?� he asked, distracting himself from those feelings and glancing at the artwork on the table. To his knowledge, Shi and Amaaya didn�t have any artistic skills.

�Yeah. A customer bought him for the whole weekend, though, so you won�t be seeing him. We usually share the bed and Amaaya gets the couch,� Shi explained.

�Like I would want to sleep next to any smelly boys,� Amaaya snorted in a very �unlady-like� gesture.

�Yuki and the twins share a place and I have no idea where Hi lives. He�s so proud that, even if he was living out of a cardboard box, he�d never tell anyone, but he loves those kids of his so much, nothing but a ceiling and four sturdy walls would suffice.�

�Have you had anything to eat today, Duo?� Amaaya suddenly asked.

Duo thought hard about that, trying to remember. For a moment, he had to remind himself that he hadn�t throw up that breakfast this morning, but three years ago. Wes hadn�t made him anything today and he was actually grateful for that. It helped to ground him in the present.

�Just some cereal early this morning,� he confessed, �I haven�t gone back to the apartment since then and I don�t have any money to buy anything. Wes didn�t give me permission to eat any of the food at the apartment anyway.�

This entire time, ever since Shi had told Amaaya that Duo was staying the night, Amaaya had seemed hesitant, as though she was mulling over something very heavy and difficult, and had kept sneaking glances at Shi, making Duo wonder if she was trying to keep an eye on him or was judging his reactions, perhaps even trying to figure out what he was thinking. With Duo�s proclamation, not even realizing that he had just told them that he had to have Wes� permission in order to eat anything, her expression hardened and she looked very convinced of something. Duo hadn�t even thought about what he was saying, it had just come blurting out. He wondered about what else they didn�t know about his life with Wes. He had been talking about Wes like he was only his pimp and bully. He had never told them about the rapes. There were times when Duo was sure that Shi had figured that out, but the rest of them seemed completely oblivious.

�Go get us some pizza,� Amaaya ordered Shi.

�Hey! Why do I have to do it?!� Shi demanded before Duo could protest that they didn�t have to buy him any food, in fact, the idea kind of horrified him for some reason, �You�ve been lounging around all day while I was out with three customers and I had to go out and buy parts to fix the fridge!�

�And they took you to an air conditioned hotel room while I was here in this heat wave,� she snapped back at him, �Besides, I want to talk to Duo for a bit.�

�Amaaya...� the blonde warned, sounding incredibly annoyed.

She sighed and fished some money that had been stashed under the mattress and tossed it at Shi.

�The two of us are hungry, so go make yourself useful, blondie. I�m paying for it, so quit bitching.�

He glared at her, but left, more because he knew that Duo needed something to eat than because he didn�t have to pay for it. If he was going to drag the kid to his place, he was going to bloody well take care of him. Duo fidgeted once Shi had closed the door behind him. Shi and Solo were the only ones of this group that he had spent any time all alone with and he felt very awkward in this apartment, wanting to know what he was, and was not, allowed to touch, do, sit on... In a way, it was easier with Wes. At least he knew what the rules were and how to act with him.

Well, sometimes. Wes had the habit of punishing him for obscure things, or outright changing the rules, if he was bored or in a certain mood, so there really was no certainty in living with him. But as terrible as that was, it was even scarier not knowing what to do entirely. There was something completely terrifying about not having any purpose. Even with that horrifying threat he had issued... in some ways, it was better this way. Being with Wes.

With Wes, he had a job, he was useful. Before him, all there had been day to day was doing anything he could to get some food in his belly. There had been no use to him for anybody but himself and there had been a few times, as he had gotten older and been more aware of things like that, when he had asked himself what the point of his life was. To steal and beg and eat? It had been a confusing, painful question. He got Wes money and Wes took care of him. There was something really simple about that. Understandable, even for an uneducated idiot like him. Wes controlled his life, his ability to live and die, and while that was ugly and terrifying, he had been doing a shitty job at both of those things for as long as he could remember. When Wes had first kidnapped him, all he could think about was getting away from him. But for the past three years, not only had he come to realize that that was impossible, he had to wonder what he would do if he succeeded. He would still be stuck with all of his bad memories, just trying to survive and spending the rest of his life in fear that Wes would find him.

Simply, he couldn�t remember why it was so important to get away from that place. Nothing would change. There would always be someone who wanted to hurt him, rape him and treat him like an animal. At least Wes knew what he was doing and, as long as Duo didn�t piss him off, wouldn�t shove him off to a whore house or have him fucked to death. In that way, Shi and the other�s lives were scary.

�Sweetie,� Amaaya spoke, jolting Duo out of his thoughts, her voice a little bit tight as she realized how close to a panic attack he was, overwhelmed by this strange, unknown situation by his tense body language and white face, �come here.�

Unknown to him, at that moment in time at least, having a command thrown at him eased his anxiety and he joined her on the bed, that feeling of uncertainty and nervousness around the tanned girl fading completely, as if he suddenly remembered that they were friends and he had absolutely no reason to be wary here.

�Let me see,� she urged, touching Duo�s face and tilting his head up, so he could get a good look at his injuries.

Duo had forgotten about the bruises and contusions, so used to the constant aches and pains from Wes' ire and punishments. Amaaya's fingers were gentle as she lightly touched the dark bruises on his cheek and eye that had caused a bunch of blood vessels to burst, making the wounds look even uglier, causing only the tiniest spark of pain. It even felt good in a way.

"Did he hurt you anywhere else?" she asked softly.

She didn't ask who had hurt him. It was easy to assume that a customer could have done it, but she just seemed to know that it had been Wes. She also didn't ask why he had hit him, for which Duo was grateful. It was the most automatic and natural of questions, but also the least important and that she understood that marked her forever to him. She had been hit before, too, and not just during one of her tournaments. She knew what it was like to be asked a question like that, a question to settle someone's curiosity and nothing more, a question that only made you remember the pain more acutely. He held up his wrists, showing her the deep bruises there where Wes had grabbed him and threw him into the wall.

"My back and ribs hurt a little," he told her honestly, now feeling at ease with her, "but not that much. I don't think he cracked them."

"Do you mind if I check?" she asked.

He shook his head. It was probably a good idea, even if they didn't feel cracked or broken. Wes only got him a doctor when his injuries were so bad, he could perform, and sometimes minor injuries like these got really bad, little by little, from negligence. Amaaya slid her hands over the sides of his chest, pressing her fingers into the skin through his shirt, feeling his ribs and judging his level of pain. It wasn't until she pressed down very hard that he felt any pain bad enough to wince, which satisfied her.

"Just bruised, I think," the black haired girl said, but she looked sad.

Duo settled on the bed next to her, feeling this odd sense of... calm fall over him. Back at Wes' apartment, he was always on alert. Sometimes, the blonde would bring important men there to fuck him, or they would talk about business loudly, swearing and yelling. Even when it was just the two of them, he never felt any peace and quiet. That was what had drove him out of that place today, hadn't it? Three years ago, he had felt completely incapable of staying in that place, like his heart might explode if he had to be there, but today he had made the conscious decision to stay away. Even with Wes gone, he had felt the same way, that he always had to be on guard. This place certainly wasn't peaceful or quiet; he could hear the people next door screaming at each other and some loud music being played outside, but he felt at ease for some reason, like he had somehow escaped from Wes, if only for a night. And he was suddenly very glad that he was spending the night here.

The two of them were silent for a long time, but the silence was very companionable and Duo was about to doze off where he sat when Amaaya spoke up again.

"Can I ask you something?" she murmured, looking down at the floor.

Duo nodded at her.

"Shi said he picked you up..." Amaaya started, speaking very cautiously and hesitantly, as though she was deliberately picking out every word.

"I was in the park," he told her, not knowing why that was important, but she seemed relieved by it.

"And when you told him that you didn't want to go back to the apartment, and he offered for you to come here, did he... did he seem odd to you? I mean, did he say or do anything strange?"

'He knows!'

Duo shook his hesitantly. Shi always did strange things around him.

"Not really..." he muttered.

"He only told you that you could spend the night?" she pressed, and the question sounded very urgent.

He nodded and felt bad when Amaaya sighed heavily, wondering if he should have told her truth, how Shi had made him feel when he had looked down at his legs, as though he could see into his soul.

"I know you don't understand. You understand more, and have more maturity, than anyone your age has any right to have, but you're still a child. Shi... he oversteps his boundaries around you. He doesn't think rationally or make the smart choice. You... remind him of someone, someone he lost a very long time ago," she told him, but looked and sounded more like she was talking to herself. Her words made something click in his head.

"You think that he's going to try to hide me from Wes, or do something else stupid because he wants to help me, and he's going to end up hurt or dead because of it," he guessed.

This wasn't the first time he had thought that about Shi. The tall blonde just got so angry on his behalf sometimes. He hadn't been aware that Shi had lost someone, and that he reminded him of that person, but since the moment they had met, Duo had sensed that Shi was always a hair's breath away from snapping and trying to 'save' him. Amaaya glanced at him, startled that he had guessed her fears so adequately.

"Shi can be compulsive," she said sadly, "and he never thinks of himself. He's my best friend, as odd as I still find that, and I don't want to lose another person I care about because he can't get over his ghosts. I know that must sound horrible to you-"

"No!" Duo protested, "I don't want him to die because of me, I don't want any of you to get hurt because you think you need to help me. You don't."

'No one needs to help me. There's no point in helping me. I'm not worth it.'
"There isn't anything he can do," he desperately tried to convince her, "Wes is really good at tracking things and he doesn't care who he has to hurt. He doesn't even care if I'm useful to him. All he would care about was that someone had gotten in his way. He'd kill you and Shi and everyone else, even people you cared about, just to send a message. Helping me isn't worth that."

Amaaya looked incredibly pained by that. She wanted to refute that trying to help him was worth it, because she knew what he meant by not. Not that it was foolish to risk all their lives when all they would do was make it worse, but that his safety and freedom was worthless. It wasn't, but at the same time, she knew that he was right. She had never paid any attention to local politics, but Shi and Solo had told her plenty of stories about Wes Stevens ever since Duo had told them who his pimp was, so she knew that the likelihood of them making a positive difference in the boy's life was very slim. They would have to get him far, far away, and hide him well. And even if they managed that, what then? Shi and Solo and herself had argued on this point many times.

The best thing for Duo was a family, one that could give him everything he might need, and they could never be that family. They were struggling just to support themselves. What would Duo do with them? Just sit around the apartment all day while they were out whoring? Public school might be free, but none of the stuff that he needed for it was, and Duo had never gone to school before, she didn't even think he had basic math skills, let alone middle school level. Besides, no matter where they took him, they would always end up in a crappy place like this, which was no place for a child. She might always scold Shi for getting involved with Duo, for going out of his way when all he was doing was getting his heart broken, but that didn't mean that she didn't understand or that she was blaming Duo for it. She wanted to help him, too, and knowing that she couldn't was incredibly painful and humbling, and she didn't have Shi's... history. Amaaya was just worried that the day would come when Shi would have to face up to that fact and it was going to do a lot more damage than any of them could fix. So, when Shi showed up in the late hours of the night with the boy, how else was she supposed to react? It just made her feel like a shitty human being, that she couldn't get Duo away from that monster, and that she couldn't keep her best friend from hurting himself with this situation.

She placed her hand over his, and for a moment, how small and thin that hand was made her heart hurt.

"But I wish that we could," she said and it was the best that she could do.

Although those words sounded so completely weak and pathetic and selfish to her, they made Duo smile, as much as his split lip and bruises would allow. It made something deep inside of him hurt for a moment, just knowing that there was someone in the world that wanted to save him. He didn't care if they could or not, he wasn't that childish, to think that anyone could make that kind of difference in his life, but there were so many people that knew about his situation, and this small group of whores were the only ones who actually wanted his life to be better than that.

"How much do you know how to read, Duo?" the black haired girl asked, not wanting to talk about Shi behind him back anymore, it made her feel like she was betraying him somehow.

"A little," he murmured, slowly kicking his legs back and forth in embarrassment.

He really didn't like talking about it. He hadn't even told Wes that he had figured out how to read. The man got mad about the strangest things sometimes. And there was something deep inside of him that always told him that telling the man he could understand all those numbers and letters now, that he had gone out of his way to teach himself something so it wouldn't limit him anymore, would be a very, very bad idea. Maybe even something that Wes would kill him for, though he still didn't know why, it was just a feeling. His lack of education had never really bothered him when he had been young and living on the streets. What would a kid like him do with school anyway?

But as he had gotten older, he had started to think about it more and more, and the fact that he couldn't do a lot of things that most kids his age could, like math and reading, made him feel ashamed. At first, he had tried to read the things around the apartment to distract himself from his day to day life, but he had quickly discovered how much he loved reading, even little things like signs and brochures.

"I can read most things. Except for... for..." he struggled with what he wanted to say. This was another reason why he desperately wanted to go to school, there were things and words that he just didn't know, or they wouldn't come to him easily, and it made him feel stupid since, most of the time, they were common words that everyone else seemed to know, "that weird writing..."

He tried to think of the word. He knew the damned word, he had heard people say it and it should come automatically, but it wasn't! The harder he tried to think of it, hot pain burst like camera flashes in his head. This happened sometimes in situations like this, if he knew that there was something hidden, something that he should know, had to know, but when he tried to dig it out, it felt like his skull was splitting wide open. Amaaya watched in alarm as Duo squeezed his eyes shut in pain, but before she could ask him what was wrong, he raised one hand and moved it in the air in a fluid gesture, as though he were signing some invisible piece of paper in a twisted, winding script in utter frustration.

"Cursive," she guessed.

Duo opened his eyes and nodded, relieved and grateful that she had gotten it right.

"I can add a little, too. But that thing, with the x... I don't know how to that. Wes does it sometimes, when he's calculating money and stuff, but I don't get it," he confessed uneasily.

He dreaded that she was going to ask him why he wanted to learn something like that. After all, he was just a whore, and Wes took care of anything he would need math to know. It wasn't even an issue of him needing it for anything. He wanted to know how to do something like that because it was a normal thing for him to know, something that he should know. Also, he wanted to see if he could learn something so basic. He wanted to know if Wes was right, that he was too stupid to be taught anything except how to fuck.

"Would you like to learn?" Amaaya asked softly.

Duo stared up at her with wide, violet eyes, then nodded shakily.

"Y-yes," he said, hope blooming in his chest.

Amaaya walked over to the table and grabbed a fresh scrap of paper and a pencil, returning back to the bed. She placed the piece of paper over her book so the pencil wouldn't poke holes in the paper and wrote something on it. It was three 2's, in a vertical line. She drew a line under them and next to the bottom two, a + mark that Duo knew meant you were supposed to combine all of them.

"What's two plus two plus two?" she asked.

"Six," he said, the answer coming to him automatically unlike the word 'cursive'.

This made Amaaya smile.

"Very good," she said and Duo felt a little bit of confidence. It was a feeling that he couldn't put any words to because he had never actually felt anything like it before, "Now, how many 2's are there?"

"Three," he said, confused about why she was asking something that obvious.

On the paper, she wrote 2 x 3. This looked very familiar to Duo and he looked at it in fascination. It looked like some kind of alien language, but he thought that he was starting to understand it a little bit.

"Say you had to figure out what 2+2+2+2+2+2+2 was," she surmised, "That would be kind of silly, writing out that huge line of numbers, wouldn't it?"

He nodded.

"And what's the answer to that one?"

He thought about it a little bit longer, but this also came easily to him.

"14."

"That's right," she congratulated, "But instead of writing that long line just to get to that answer, people decided to shorten it. How many two were there in that?"

"7."

"And there were three two's being added together to make 6. In other words, two is being added by itself three times to equal six, and two added by itself seven times equals fourteen. That's what that X means, times. So, anytime you see 2x3 or 2x7, all you're doing is adding the first number the amount of times of the second number. Or, you could even do it backwards. If you added three to itself twice, it would equal the same as adding two three times, and the same goes for adding seven twice. That's all multiplication is, a quicker way to add large strings of the same number," she informed him and watched happily as Duo's eyes widened even more, knowing that he understood everything she was telling him.

"That's neat," he looked at the paper, suddenly understanding those bits of alien language as though he had known them all along. It seemed so simple to him now and it excited him to know that the next time he saw Wes equating his profits, he might actually be able to figure them out, too.

Amaaya continued to write more of those numbers and symbols; 2x4, 2x5, 2x6, 2x7, and so on, all the way up to 4x9.

"Now, I want you to tell me how to figure these ones out," she told him, handing him the pencil.

As they waited for Shi to come back, they worked on the problems together, over and over, until Duo was able to easily remember how much anything up to 4x9 was. Before they could move on to the fives, Shi opened the door, his arms full of boxes of pizza and bags of French fries and soda.

"Can I keep this?" Duo whispered to Amaaya as Shi cleaned off the table of Solo's drawings to lay out the food. The thought of Shi finding out about their little math lesson embarrassed him somehow.

"Of course," Amaaya said quietly and Duo wondered if she understood that he wanted to keep this just between the two of them.

He quickly folded up the paper and put it in his shorts' pocket, reminding himself to hide it very well when he got back to the apartment.

"Ok, we got a cheese pizza, meat lovers, and veggie. Which would you like, Duo?"

"Cheese, please," the twelve year old said politely. He wanted to protest that he didn't need any pizza, since he had hadn't paid for any of it, but he recognized the name on the pizza boxes. It was a good pizza joint, further east from here. Wes got take out from there from time to time. It was a little more expensive than the other quick pizza take out places, but the pizzas weren't dripping with grease and the pepperoni weren't rubbery. It was also very out of the way for Shi to be walking, and it was no wonder why he had taken so long. From Amaaya's amused, slightly surprised expression, they didn't usually get food from there. He didn't want to be rude and tell Shi not to give him any.

"I thought so," the blonde grinned, "And what kind of soda? We've got coke, sprite, and orange soda."

"Maybe something without caffeine," Amaaya glared at Shi, who looked guilty at for getting that Duo was really too young for that.

Duo didn't tell them that, after all the drugs Wes gave him, caffeine wasn't a big deal. He didn't like coke anyway.

"Orange soda!" he chirped.

The last time Wes had allowed him to eat pizza with him, he had given him some and he had liked it a lot.

"Good choice," the tall teenager grabbed some plastic cups from the kitchen and filled them up with soda.

Amaaya glanced at the bottles of soda he had gotten, looking for a telling bottle of alcohol among the bunch, but couldn't find one. Shi poured himself an orange soda, too, not even bothering with the caffeinated coke, and Amaaya gave him an approving look. Shi rolled his eyes at her, but handed her and Duo their dinner, then sat down next to Duo on the bed. Duo couldn't smell that faint scent of cigarettes anymore, it was masked by the heavier aroma of the pizza and fries. The second the plate of food was in his hands and the smell hit him full force, he thought that his stomach was going to turn cannibal and try to eat itself.

He realized, distantly, that some part of him should feel some hesitance and fear at eating on this bed. Wes would kill him if he ever caught him eating on either of their beds, since it would mean wasting time going to the Laundromat if Duo spilled something, and to Wes, Duo was too stupid and clumsy not to spill something. The man wasn't exactly a prissy, clean fanatic, but he wouldn't tolerate someone fucking with his things, even a few sheets. But he didn't really think about it and it didn't gnaw at him, the way things usually did when Wes had hit him over them in the past. Like arguing with his elders or making too much noise. Amaaya and Shi had never so much as raised their voices to him before, even when he did something bad.

It was the best meal he had ever had in his entire life. The pizza was exactly amazing or anything, better than the others had had had, but typical take out stuff, not that an ex-street kid like him had any clue what great pizza tasted like, but it tasted absolutely delicious to him. he had heard this saying once, that great company made the food taste better, or something along those lines, and Duo thought that that might be true.

As they ate their dinner, all squeezed together on the small bed, Amaaya on his right and Shi on his left, they told him of adventures and people they had met before they had become whores. Like this man Shi used to travel with when he had been younger, a very tall, intimidating, hard-assed ex-soldier named fox that had had long, red-brown hair with snow-white tips, looking exactly like a red fox's tail. One night, Shi had discovered that his assumption that Fox had dyed his hair to suit his name had been completely wrong and his hair color was actually natural. Fox had found Shi's shock over this quite funny, but Shi had gotten him back tenfold. Fox had, Shi told them with a superior smirk, assumed from the moment they had met that Shi was somewhere around 17 to 19 years old, based on his looks and maturity. After four months of traveling together, Shi had finally let slip to him that he was actually thirteen. Fox had been absolutely horrified by this, although Shi had never confirmed that he had been any older.

All of their stories were light hearted, some of them funny and ironic. But they were also half-truths. Duo figured out very quickly that the two f them were only divulging the positive parts of their pasts and hiding the darker things. Like how Shi stubbornly stayed far away from the reason why Fox had no longer been in the military, despite being perfectly fit. Duo also realized ,from the way Shi had told the story and how scandalized Amaaya had looked, hearing that Shi had actually been thirteen at the time, that he and Fox had had a consensual, sexual relationship.

This revelation bewildered Duo a great deal. Sex was disgusting. It was humiliating, filthy, and it hurt. Why would Shi ever let someone do that to him, or, possibly, keep his age a secret to let Fox keep having sex with him if he was one of those guys that wasn't into kids and younger teenagers? Maybe it had been a trade. Maybe Fox had paid him or had been giving him food or shelter. It was the only possibility that made any sense to him.

Even though he spent more time around grownups than any kids his age, Shi's actions, like the actions of every person that was older than him, remained a mystery to him. He should be annoyed, perhaps even angry (although it had been years since he had last felt that particular emotion) that Amaaya and Shi were keeping things from him, that they thought he was so emotionally fragile they needed to protect him from their own pasts and problems, but the truth was that he was tired of the dark things. It felt incredibly good to smile and laugh with them, even if his laughter was tempered and guarded.

An hour later, Duo's stomach was fuller than it had been in a very, very long time, but he hadn't quite stuffed himself to sickness. Even as Shi had talked and listened to Amaaya's own stories, the teenager had been keeping a close eye, almost instinctively, on how much Duo was eating.

'Shi would make a good daddy,' Duo suddenly thought and was startled by that declaration, looking so confused that Shi, unnecessarily, elaborated on what he had just said.

What did he know about daddies? He didn't remember if he had ever had one of his own. The only fathers he knew were the ones that paid to fuck him. And when they opened their leather wallets to give him their money, he caught mere glimpses o photos of their children, a bit older or younger or perhaps the same age as he was, all wearing clean, pressed clothes and clean, pressed smiles.

The only man in this world he could call his dad was Wes and that was because he had told him, if anyone asked him such a question, to call him that. He had even taken Wes' last name. Calling the blonde pimp his daddy made his blood curdle, but at the same time, Wes did some fatherly things for him like making him lunch and teaching him things he should have been taught years ago but that was as close to having a dad he was ever going to get. But still, when he looked at Shi, he just knew. If Shi ever ended up getting a family, planned or not, he would be amazing at it.

Duo kept such thoughts to himself as Shi and Amaaya put the leftover food away, presumably for Solo when he got home. He didn't know about his two friends, but he was exhausted. The heat had stolen what little energy he had had and he always felt sleeping those few times he had had a full stomach. But the bed was tiny, how they managed to get two people in it was a miracle. As small as he was, there was just no way all three of them were going to squeeze into it. And Amaaya had said that she didn't like sleeping next to guys. He just knew that they were going to insist that he share the bed with one of them, but he didn't want to force Shi or Amaaya to sleep on the couch. He was just about to suggest that he take the couch, because he was the smallest by far, so he wouldn't hurt his back or neck in it the way one of them would, when Shi gestured for Duo to stand up. Duo did so and watched, perplexed, as Shi and Amaaya lifted the beaten-up mattress off the frame and put it on the ground.

"This way," Shi explained, getting a old, rolled up futon from under the bed, probably used when one of their other friends slept over or something, "no one has to sleep on that old, nasty couch."

Duo felt a twinge of guilt for having to make them go through all this trouble for his sake, but didn't speak up about it.

"I thought you said you didn't like to sleep with boys?" he asked Amaaya as he sat down on the middle of the lumpy mattress.

"Well," she smiled warmly at him, "I'll make an exception in your case, sweetheart."

She ruffled his hair and sat down on his left. This made him incredibly happy, although he would never say so. Shi set up the futon on the right side of the bed so it would serve as an extension of the mattress and walked over to the far wall, flicking the lights off. The apartment was bathed in a coming and going darkness, a neon sign whose light flickered on and off sending flashes of light every now and then. Shi flopped down on the futon with a big sigh. Amaaya and Duo followed him, laying down and trying to get comfortable, Duo rolling onto his right side, facing Shi. Even with the futon, there wasn't a whole lot of room to move and he could feel Amaaya's breasts brushing against his back. It was a strange and unfamiliar feeling to him.

"Do you mind?" Shi asked politely as he lightly threw his arm over Duo's waist.

Duo was shocked into silence for a moment. No one ever gave him choices, ever allowed him to chose, at least nothing important to him, especially nothing like this, a simple touch. Maybe, compared to what Wes forced him to do, this seemed far too small, but to him, it was something that mattered. Shi's arm was just laying there, not grabbing him or crushing him to his chest. It wasn't trapping him and, if he got uncomfortable with it, he could get out of the almost embrace very easily, and Shi wasn't like Wes. He wouldn't pretend like Duo had this small amount of freedom, only to pin him down, trap him the second he tried to move away.

"You might as well let him, Duo," Amaaya said, "Shi has this bad habit of cuddling the nearest warm body when he's asleep."

Shi glared at her over Duo's head, but she just smirked at him.

"I don't mind," Duo said, blushing a little at the thought of Shi cuddling anyone.

And he didn't mind at all. Shi's body was pleasantly warm, which, even in the muggy heat, was oddly comforting, and his arm wasn't as muscled and heavy as Wes' was, but it still felt very strong. Shi didn't strike him as the kind of person who slept easily or soundly, he always seemed alert, but the tall boy was deeply asleep in minutes, a relaxed, almost content look on his face, his chin resting on the top of Duo's head.

"You... remind him of someone, someone he lost a very long time ago."
Duo blinked in the spasmodic darkness. He wasn't sure what that had to do with Shi's sleep habit's, but some part of him did sense the connection there. About ten minutes later, Duo felt Amaaya drift off in how she relaxed against him. But, as tired as he was, he didn't fall asleep right away. Something was still nagging at him, keeping him awake. He felt like he was forgetting something, something important. Something felt wrong.

'They didn't lock the door,' he suddenly realized.

And just like that, the feeling of wrongness intensified, the wrongness that only came when an old ritual was broken. Every single night, before Wes went to bed, Duo was expected to do certain things, unless he was out on a job. Put dinner away. Do the dishes. Lock the door. Turn off the lights. And almost every night, he would then go find Wes in his room and let him do whatever he wanted to do to him. When he was finished, sometimes Wes would keep him with him and duo would lie awake in the bigger bed until the pain made him black out or Wes' deep snoring lulled him to sleep, something that had taken him a very long time to get used to, but most of the time, he would shove him out of bed and Duo would go to his own bedroom.

'They put away the food,' Duo thought, 'And I guess they'll wash the plates and cups tomorrow, even though they�re the kind you're supposed to throw away, to save a little money. They turned the lights out like you're supposed to, but they never locked the door.'

He realized then that, what was really nagging at him was that the broken lock, the utter lack of safety, had quickly stopped bothering him. Anyone could burst in as the three of them slept and gun them down, realistically, he knew that Shi's and Amaaya's reputations only gave them an illusion of safety which was as sturdy as wet paper. But that knowledge didn't make even a single spark of fear go through him. And that was what bothered him. He pushed the feeling aside as he started to drift off into the deepest sleep he would ever have for many years, but it stayed there, on his bare consciousness. In there, it grew into a bitter, inescapable depression.

In this terrible part of town, where robberies and violent crimes happened every day, in this apartment with a broken lock and a bullet hole in the window, laying between two unarmed whores, he felt completely safe and protected.

And Duo felt something else. A completely new emotion that he had nothing to compare to, no words that could help him to describe it, and it wouldn't be until three years later that he would feel it again.

He felt loved.
*****

Without having realized that he had done it, at some point when he had been recalling all of this in his small, dark prison, Duo had somehow managed to retrieve Yuki's hair ribbon from his pocket and was rubbing it with all of the sacredness and subconscious desperation that a nun would her rosary beads while praying. His memories sickened him, but for once, he was not shocked, scared, or startled by them.

Lately, he had been remembering a lot of things like this. Sister Helen, the first time he had met Shi, these memories had come bubbling out of the dark, secret places inside of him where they had been hidden for many years, as though Wes reinserting himself into his life had opened some locked chest in his head. Some of those things he had forgotten because of the blow to his head that Wes had given him, but others he had forgotten simply because they hurt too much to remember, and he understood, at least a little, that a person could only hold in a certain amount of pain, just enough poison, before they either broke or it came spilling out. Or, sometimes, they chose to forget.

But these memories were different. He had never forgotten about them, neither Wes' cruel threat to cut his knees if he tried to run away again or how safe and loved he had felt being with Shi and Amaaya, like opposites sides of a coin. Why he hadn't forgotten, at the very least, his terror at the thought of becoming a cripple when he had forgotten about Sister Helen's kindness mystified him, but whenever he had tried to recall those hidden memories, he had always been overcome with a hot, agonizing pain in his skull. These memories, he could have recalled at anytime. But he hadn't.

They had always been there, on the surface, but he had refused to look at them. Perhaps he had done it for the same reason he had forgotten those other memories, for his mental survival, because he had been afraid of breaking entirely, remembering the extent of the violence and evil that the man he lived with, the man he was still torn between loving and hating was not only capable of, but thoroughly enjoyed. Or that, for a moment when his world had seemed completely dark and hopeless, he had known what it felt like to have a family, a moment that, at the time, he had truly believed he would never experience again. Thinking of that, a shot of complete and total pain went through his heart, remembering how untrue that belief had ended up being.

He remembered the next morning, both after he had disposed of the little girl's body and the sleepover he had had with Shi and Amaaya as clearly as he remembered everything else. He remembered returning to the apartment both times without any hesitation, as though twenty four hours had healed everything. After accomplishing Wes' awful chore, he had returned the morning after, like a lamb returning to the lion's den that it had somehow managed to escape from. His heart had been thundering and he had felt so sick but he had stayed there and waited for Wes to come home like a good little puppy.

Duo curled his fist around the ribbon. Wes had threatened to take away his livelihood, just because it was convenient for him. Knowing that, Duo had realized how little his life meant to the man as well. If it became 'convenient' for him, he would slit his throat without a second thought. But he had come back. Wes hadn't dragged him back that time, hadn't threatened him at gun point, he had returned to the apartment of his own free will. His life had been in danger, wouldn't the normal response had been to run away, to fight back?

He had been terrified of Wes, or him hurting him or putting a bullet in his skull, neither things he had any control over. So, his response had been to do nothing? He had gone back to a potentially lethal situation because... because why? His life had already been in danger from Wes' cruelty, what difference would running away make? At least, if he had tried to run, he would have had a tiny chance at freedom. Hell, he could have found a way to break open one of Wes' cabinets and gotten a gun. he could have waited for Wes to open the front door, then shot him in the face. Wes was a powerful human monster, but he wasn't a God. He wasn't immortal.

He hadn't fought back. Wes had done, and threatened to do, some truly horrible, inhumane things to him. Most normal people would be enraged by that treatment, they would have reacted like a trapped animal and lashed out against Wes. They would have tried anything to escape. Duo had done nothing. He had willingly put himself in danger, ignoring Wes' threat to him like he had never said it. In that moment, laying there in Wes' closet, clutching his murdered friend's hair ribbon, Duo hated himself more than he was ever, or would ever be, capable of hating Wes.

What sort of other, awful things would he have let Wes do to him. What other things would he have done for him at a single demand? All his thoughts and hesitance were useless, because in the end, he had always done what he was told. He had returned back into that poisonous situation over and over again, because at least he had someone to return home to. Even if that person hurt him, Wes still saw him. He wasn't just a ghost to him. And Wes could give him anything, could protect him against anything, as long as he wanted to. he had done this to himself.

Maybe Heero was right and he had never deserved the abuse, but he was wrong in thinking that none of this was his fault. He had gone back to his abuser because of fear and childish reliance. And here he was, thinking about doing it again like a terrible, old addiction. After all of this time, all the things he had gained and lost, all of the people he now loved and loved him in return, Wes could no longer be his only link to humanity, his only connection to life. It was pitiful and he was so sick of feeling pathetic and hating himself for that dependency on his rapist. He wanted more out of his life. Back then, if not the very first night Wes had raped him, then after Wes had threatened him and went on his trip, he should have at least tried to run away. He should have tried to regain his freedom, to be strong and brave for the first time in his life.

But the cold reality was that he hadn't thought that way, that he deserved that freedom, that running away from Wes was even an option and that he might be running to something better, until he had met Heero. There had been nothing else, just Wes, and pain, and whoring. All those other things were for people better than him. It wasn't until Heero had come into his life that he had started to wonder... to crave a different life. A life with friends like Heero.

All this time, he had been giving Heero and Name all of the credit for getting away from Wes, for giving him this new and wonderful life, had ignored his own role in all of this. They might have given him a home and a chance at continuing school, love and understanding, but he had been the one to take those first, faltering steps down that road, no one else. Deciding to try to be friends with Heero had been risky, but when he had agreed to sleep over his house that one time, he had crossed the line. That decision had been unforeseen, and rather miraculous, thinking back on it now. The person he had been back then should have said no, knowing that that was what Wes would have wanted him to say. In fact, he probably would have broken off the friendship right there, coming to his senses and realizing that someone like him could never have a normal friend. But there had just been something about Heero... some quality in his eyes or kind smile, or perhaps how the older boy had been so interested in him, so stubborn about wanting to be his friend, he wasn't sure... for the first time since that day he had tried to run away, so many years ago, he had rebelled against Wes.

For whatever reason, Duo had taken that first step away from Wes. He had known how furious his pimp would be when he eventually came home, had known that doing it would most likely get him killed or worse, but he had gone anyway. And the entire time, all he had been able to think about was the possibility of being away from Wes. How wonderful it was. It was something he had never been able to understand or even conceive of before then. If he hadn't taken that first step, Duo truly believed that, even if Name had shown up out of the blue to take him away from his abuser, he never would have willingly left.

Being with Heero had been painful, after all those years with Wes, the Japanese boy had somehow woken up his heart. He had made him want things, dangerous, powerful things. He had made him do things that were completely out of character for him, things that were liable to get him killed and take risks. When Heero had found out about his deal with Zechs, he hadn't run away from school because he had been afraid that Heero would dig too deep and discover that their classmate wasn't the only one he was whoring himself out to. He had run away because Heero's anger and disdain had been too painful for him to bear. After all the degradation and torture and rapes that Wes had thrown at him, Heero had been the one who had hurt him the most.

Why he had run away from Wes after that, having nothing to run to and knowing the penalty if Wes caught him. Still mystified him. In the past, the mere thought of it would have scared it right out of him. Not only that, but he had allowed Name to take him in. He could have protested or run away from hospital, back to Wes, but he had let her take care of him, to mother him as he pretended that Wes was in some far away world he dare not look at or touch. Why, after all of these years, had he decided to run away from him for good in that exact moment? Because he had been too sick and hurt to deal with the rest of the world on his own? Because his near death had finally scared him into decision? Or was it something else, something much more powerful, born from Name's maternal nature and seeing a light at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel for the very, very first time in his fifteen years of life.

He could have continued on, staying with Wes forever. but for the first time, he had put enough of his rare and tentative trust in other people to run away. Even more incredible, he had put enough trust in himself to stay away. He could have gone back, so overwhelmed by the fear of this new life and his fears that he wasn't good enough for it, but he hadn't. At some point, it had stopped being about not wanting to be Wes' whore anymore and started to be about wanting to be a part of Heero's family and creating something special for himself. A home and a future. Things that, before now, he had given little thought to because he had truly believed he didn't deserve such things.

Duo curled up into a tight ball and smelled Yuki's ribbon. It had been months since Amaaya had gifted him with it, but he still didn't think of it as his. Yuki was dead, but it was still his. Duo had been wearing it ever since, but it didn't smell like himself. The faint, but unmistakable scent of Yuki's hair lingered on it, like a ghost. Sometimes, when Duo took the ribbon off to wash or comb or tie his hair, his guilt and grief and longing to see the Japanese boy again painted flecks of blood on the ribbon, or tricked him into seeing a strand of pure black hair caught wrapped around it, the vision so real that his breath caught in his every time. Tears dripped down his cheeks, and he made no move at all to wipe them away or attempt to stop them, at the thought that Yuki's smell on the ribbon, too, was probably just in his head. The smell of a ghost. It made him unbearably sad, and also very angry.

"They slit his throat."
Duo's eyes widened a little as that memory whipped through his head like a bullet, even as the tears continued through his shock.

They.

Duo was sure that it was entirely possible that Shi had said that because he hadn't known the sex of Yuki's murderer. Yes, entirely possible. And completely wrong. He knew that Shi had really been saying that more than one person had been involved in his death, just as surely as he knew that his friends were hiding things about Yuki's death from him. When Shi had told him about those men cutting the Japanese boy's hair, he had hesitated, as though he had not wanted to tell Duo that detail at all. After all of these years, Shi was still trying to protect him of the ugliness of the world that Duo had lived in all of his life.

Why? It was the question that burned at him every time he thought about Yuki's murder. Why had his friend had to die? Anyone who had lived in that area for more than a few months knew what Yuki was. The thought that he had been killed for money was completely ridiculous. All of the money that Yuki had gotten from whoring had gone to food, clothing, and bills. Duo thought that Yuki had put off being picked up until he could no longer afford it. Out of that entire group, it was Yuki who had seemed to hate being a whore the most. Shi didn't seem to mind it at all which, in his world, had always struck him as completely bizarre. The rest of them had grudgingly accepted that, in order to survive, being paid for sex was the easiest and most affordable thing to do.

Yuki, on the other hand, had literally hated the job and himself for being forced to do it. Duo had seen all of the others pick up johns whenever they had the time and the fish were biting. Yuki would only do it when he had been pushed into a corner financially. Probably the most expensive things he had were his kimonos, but if they had killed him for money, why not break into his apartment? He supposed they could have just thought that the small, thin boy was an easy mark, that they had tried to rob him and Yuki had fought back, but...

"They slit his throat."

He couldn't believe that. Yuki had been frail and often sick. It wouldn't have taken much to knock him out or kill him. And Yuki had known enough not to fight back in a situation like that, that just going with the flow in a mugging was less likely to get you killed. Only a sadistic bastard would have killed someone as sweet and weak bodied as him just for some spare change in his pocket. Everyone had loved him, even the same hookers that defended their territory like mean dogs, who should have felt threatened by Yuki's beauty, had liked him. They could have shot him or stabbed him in the stomach, but they had slit his throat. Why?

So he couldn't scream.

The thought almost made him laugh at loud, and he was sure that it would have gained Wes' attention, even all the way in the kitchen. In a crappy neighborhood like that, no one would have come running at the sound of a single scream. No one, except Yuki's friends. Except Shi. That realization solidified all the things that had bothered him about this scenario, about the thought that Yuki had just been killed by some random people. If those people had known about Yuki's... protective guard, they probably would have been a bit leery about Shi coming running to his aid, if the blonde had been that close by.

The only thing that made any sense to him was that those men had been customers of Yuki's, or had wanted to be. Maybe the Japanese boy had turned down the wrong people, or maybe it had made them hard like that man that had tried to kill him when he had been little. And they had cut his hair. That was the thing that made him utterly sick to his stomach. They had cut Yuki's hair. What sort of monster did a thing like that? No way it had been a mugging. It had been personal, someone who had known the boy well enough to know that his hair had been important to him. And there was also no possibility that it had a gang initiation. All the gangs in the area knew that you didn't fuck with Shi's family. They called him the Devil, and for a reason.

It was something that Duo had come to realize in the years that he had known Shi. That incident when he had killed the john that had tried to kill Duo had not been a one time thing. Shi had... a history, as well as a reputation among the street gangs. Duo didn't know why he had one, just for killing a few guys that tried to hurt his friends, something that wouldn't even be on those gangs' radars. There had been a few new members, trying to prove themselves to the higher ups, but if Shi didn't kill them for trying shit, then the leaders of those gangs did. It wasn't just that they didn't want The Devil on their scent. They were terrified of Wes, but Shi they both feared and respected. Duo didn't know the reason for any of this, just what little he had heard and seen when he had been around the group. But it all added up to one thing for him.

He believed, and he supposed he had believed it ever since his friends had told him about Yuki's death, that his black haired friend had, for some reason he couldn't possibly understand, been all alone that night, and that he had been slaughtered because he was a prostitute, not because he might have any money or had pissed someone off, or even that it had just been a random killing. They had killed him because he was a whore. That knowledge filled him with a burning rage.

It was the kind of anger he had ever felt very rarely, palpable, venomous, and sickening. It felt like the fever that was still raging inside of him, but stronger. Something that was completely out of character for him, an alien emotion. The reason... the only fucking reason that his friend had lost his life was because his killers had seen him as a piece of trash, a whore, something to throw away when they had no more use for him. They were the same sort of people as the person who had created the term that he had often heard policemen throw around whenever a whore or homeless person turned up murdered. NHI. No humans involved. Those men probably hadn't even thought they were committing a crime.

Duo heard Wes moving in the kitchen, the sharp clink of dishes being put away. His rage overwhelmed him and he glared at the doorway, as though his anger could reach the man in the kitchen somehow.

'No humans involved. Something he would say,' he thought, his fury making him feel literally sick. He had no idea where all of this anger was coming from all of a sudden. It wasn't just Yuki, it was something else. It was as though someone had come along and opened the iron door in his heart to the room where he had stashed all the bitterness and rage he had felt, all those bad, venomous things, since he had been little, and they were all coming pouring out like a tsunami wave.

'They killed him because they could, because he was nothing to them. His life was nothing, his death was nothing. It wasn't like he was a person, at least not like them. The life of a dog would have meant more to them,' that painfully concise, perceptive voice in his head chimed in, 'Just like him. He says that he loves you, but you mean nothing to him. When you were sad because Wes' actions had cheated you out of seeing Yuki in his last two weeks of life, he hadn't given a shit. Your life and your feelings and your dreams mean nothing to him. He was ready to handicap you back then. And now... he'll kill you, and the decision will come as easily and painlessly as a decision to lay down traps to kill a bothersome rat. He doesn't love you. Deep down, you know that. Just like you know what will happen if you stay.'

There was nothing left here for him. There was nothing left for him in this old life with Wes. His old life. Not his other life. It had never, in his head, been his 'other life.'

The thought came as an actual, physical shock to him, but once it was there in his head, out in the open where he could hear it and examine it, he realized how true it was. There was nothing left here for him. From the moment that he had decided to go home with Name instead of running back to Wes, this old life had died. He should have let it die in peace. He had tried to hold onto it, had grabbed at it with weak, arthritic hands, some part of him hoping and praying that he wouldn't be able to get a firm grip on it. And it had slipped through his fingers.

This place, this man... it was poison and that poison had been killing him. And this new Wes was just a different kind of toxin, a more insidious and crafty one, but just as lethal. That voice was right. Only the dead could exist in this old life. If he stayed, there would be nothing new, just the same as it had always been. One way or another, it would kill him. Hadn't he already decided that he no longer wanted to die? So, why had he found himself back here? And why did the thought that still belonged in this place keep invading his heart?

Except for Shi and Solo and Amaaya, everything that was worth living for, worth fighting and hunting and struggling for, was with Name and Heero. There was nothing else! Everything else, including Wes' love for him, was an illusion.

Heero wasn't here. That knowledge horrified him and made him feel frightened, alone, and a great deal of pain. Every single time he had faltered, his best friend had been there, holding him up and prodding him gently along. But he wasn't here now, not in this dark closet, and it made him feel weak. How could he do this alone? He felt so small, like the little boy that he had really been all along.

No. Heero wasn't here, but his light was still there, inside of him. And that light was telling him that it was time to go home. It was telling him, in that same gentle, kind tone that always soothed his worst nightmares, that he didn't belong here anymore, that he didn't belong with Wes and never had, not from the very start.

Heero wasn't here to protect him and point him in the right direction this time. He needed to be strong, stronger than he had ever been before, now more than ever. But not for Heero. not because he was terrified of Heero being ashamed of him for being weak. But for himself. Because, even if both he and Wes had denied it, Wes had victimized him and committed crimes against his humanity.

For the first time in his life, he needed to stand up for himself.

Wes had apologized for hurting him, for being rough with him. Not for raping him or almost killing him. Not for anything in their pasts. And that apology had only served to make him realize that, if he really wanted to grow and have a better life, he and he alone had to be responsible for it, and for dealing with his past demons. Wes wasn't sorry. He didn't understand the true meaning of the word, and Duo seriously doubted he had ever experienced guilt in his life. But the man had done wrong by him and he should be punished for it.

A sharp pain filled his head at that thought, but for once, he didn't back away. Heero and Name and his other friends had been telling that every since he had ended up in the emergency room that night, but this was the first time he had truly believed it, with every inch of himself. All this time, he had just... wanted to rest and let everything go, but the truth was that it wasn't Wes who refused to leave him alone, or even his torrid past. It was his own self.

It was him that had been gravitating towards his rapist. Wes might have stalked him and dragged him back here every single time he had run away, but he was the one that stayed. He was the one confused when the truth of this situation should have been obvious to him from the start. Ironically, he was just as guilty as anyone else that had found out about his past and had labeled him as a rape victim. It had driven him crazy, the pity, and knowing that every time they looked at him, they could only see that victim and nothing else. But he wasn't any different than them. He had become obsessed with his life with Wes, because he had been in that darkness for so long, and even now, it still felt like he had never known anything else.

He had left the streets, or rather he had been abducted from them, but his time there had never left him. He had been treated as less than human by society. It had turned him into a ghost, something dead and stagnant, but when he had been with Wes, he had connected with people for the first time in his childhood, though it had hurt him badly. Still, sex was a human act and he had defined his own humanity through those acts. He couldn't leave Wes because Wes had made him feel alive, for the first time in his life.

But he understood now... returning to this wasn't keeping him alive, it was stopping him. he had always hated being here, with him, being forced to have sex with strange men. Maybe it had felt better to him than living on the streets, in its own way, but what had made him feel alive was also keeping him, ironically, from truly gaining back his humanity.

He could never go back to his life with Wes, he realized, and if he had truly believed that he could, he had been lying to himself. He couldn't live in the illusion that Wes was what he needed anymore. It was a childish fantasy, like the belief that your parents could protect you from the monsters. He wasn�t a child anymore and it was well past the time for him to grow up. He knew now that he could either try to live his life, try to let go and be happy with his new family, or he should just kill himself, because living with Wes would be like being dead anyway. And if he killed himself, he could finally put his demons to rest.

It didn�t matter if Heero and Name were just dreams in his head, he had to start living for himself. He had to free himself and stand up, just like Shi had tried to tell him in a dream, so many months ago. Even if a life with the Yuy's was a lie, at least he knew what he wanted. What he needed.

Duo curled up into a ball, still gripping Yuki's ribbon in his bound hands. HE could still hear Wes puttering around in the kitchen and suddenly wished that he was here, where he could see him. He felt incredibly hot, had for the last twenty minutes or so, like he was trapped in an oven like that fairy tail, Hansel and Gretel, waiting for when the witch would tire of his games and decide to eat him. Only he had no sister to push her to her death. His fever was getting worse again. The pills had helped, but only the symptoms, not the actual problem. He needed more than antibiotics, and if he went too long without his medication, it was going to get far too bad for Wes to fix.

He wanted Wes here... he wanted to tell him no. No that he wouldn't go with him, not ever. He wanted to say that, for the first time with true conviction.

Some part of him understood what he was doing as he felt a tiredness hit him and he closed his eyes. Still running away, still making excuses, like telling Wes that actually mattered. Running away from reality again because all these realizations were scaring him. Now that he knew what he wanted, he was terrified of what came next.
*****
Maybe because he had been thinking of that dream from awhile back, or maybe because he had really wanted... no... needed to see him, Duo dreamed of Shi, just like the last time he had floundering in the dark, on the cusp of some huge, frightening decision. At least this time, he was completely aware that he was dreaming. Even so, Shi's look of hurt and betrayal caused a very real guilt and sadness to surge through him.

They weren't in the dark place. There were no chains holding Duo down, or even the enclosed space he had been dreaming of lately. It was Shi's apartment, the neon sign flashing both light and dim darkness into the small apartment and Duo could smell the mold from his memory. If he had been fully conscious, he would have wondered why his mind had summoned up this place. Why not the darkness or, if he had simply wanted to see some place comforting, why not his home?

"Duo," Shi sighed, his tone reminding Duo for a moment of Wes' whenever he would tiredly scold him, "Why are you still choosing that prick over your own friends and family?"

The sudden, blunt question startled Duo, making his heart race.

"I'm not!" he blurted out in protest, forgetting his knowledge that this was just a dream, brought about by his fever and emotional turmoil, "I know, I've been running away from you and Solo and the others, that I should have contacted you somehow and let you know that I was ok, but it wasn't because I was trying to forget about you, when I couldn't forget about Wes. I'm not choosing him over you, I just... I still can't face you..."

At some point, Duo understood that 'you no longer meant all of them. His more rational self chastised him for scolding an image in his head like it was the real person, but he couldn't stop himself. Shi shook his head.

"We aren't the family that I was talking about."

Shi walked from his place by the bed, and stood in front of Duo, his blood-red eyes boring into Duo's.

"You're finally starting to realize some very important stuff, but you're still running away," Shi told him, his gaze fierce, but also full of love, "Name and Heero love you, more than Wes ever will. His love is a delusion of a sociopath, like someone from a desert who dreams of snow. They have no good idea what snow is supposed to feel like, they have never known what it feels like, so whatever their imagination dreams up what snow is supposed to be like, is just an illusion. Wes will drag you down. He'll kill you in an attempt to love you. Really, all you have to do now is decide whether to live or die. There is no other choice, no other result. You know that now."

"I do know that," Duo murmured, looking away from Shi's all knowing stare, "And I accept that! I can tell myself that Wes might change... that he has changed... but not enough, not where it actually matters..."

"Have you?" Shi asked with a cock of his head, almost cruelly, "Then why do you want to tell him that you've finally made up your mind? Why does it matter if that asshole knows that? Really, some part of you is still hoping that he'll give you an alternative, that he'll prove to you that you're wrong. You've made up your mind, but you're still not trying to escape, are you? Because you're still scared of cutting ties with him for good."

Duo shook his head violently in denial.

"No, you don't understand! I have made up my mind! I just wanted to go home... but I'm lost. Without Heero, I can't find my way home..."

Even in his dreams, Duo was aware that he was just spouting excuses. Even after he had decided to fight for himself, he still kept faltering.

"Really?" Shi asked, his tone biting, "It was Heero, then, that saved both of your lives in Boston? Heero, who came back from the brink of death on the operating table? Heero who broke years of psychological training and torture thanks to that douche bag to save one of his friends' lives, when no one else could?" Shi's gaze hardened, but wasn't stony or cold, more like he was desperate, "You have to take your life, your humanity, back from Wes. It isn't gone, not for good, but you'll only get it back if you stand up to him. He's had it in his possession for far too long. You must tell him no and mean it. You have to stand up for yourself, for the first time in your entire life, not just against him, but everyone who has treated you as unimportant trash! Unless your life has meaning to yourself it can't possibly mean anything to anyone else!"
*****
Duo jolted awake as he heard Wes slam a drawer closed in the kitchen, but he didn't feel awake. He felt like he was still dreaming. Maybe he was, or maybe because he had woken up so quickly. What had he done, blacked out? Or had he been awake and hallucinating again, like he had that time when he had seen Zechs kill Heero? It had felt realer than his dreams, even as he had been aware that it hadn't been real. He felt like he was drifting again. Whatever magic those antibiotics had done was wearing off already. Frustration filled him. He couldn't take being delirious again, not now when he needed a clear head more than ever.

Shi... no, his head had told him exactly what he had needed. It had given him the clarity that he had been fumbling for for the last few days. It wasn't anything that he hadn't already know, but it dispersed more and more of his doubts. He couldn�t stay here. He didn't belong here anymore and if he couldn't escape, and soon, he never would. It wasn�t even the case that he would lose his resolve. His health was diminishing. With every second he stayed here, he was losing more physical strength. The medicine had only delayed it for a little while. He just couldn't take the risk that, instead of getting him to a real, proper doctor, Wes might just put a bullet in his skull, like you would a diseased cattle.

'He wouldn't do that. He said that he loves me, that he needs me, that he's willing to run away from this life just to make me happy,' a weak part of himself, the part of himself that was scared of trying to run away, protested.

Duo pushed that part deep down into himself. He had thought that before, but whether it was true or not didn't matter. He didn't trust Wes enough to put his life in the man's hands. Wes' love wasn't good enough... he had decided that. But even with all of these decisions, and Shi�s words lingering in his head... what was he supposed to do now? Wes still held all the power here-

'You're never going to see Heero again,' that cruel voice made itself known once more.

The harshness in that thought sent an icy pain through his heart. Duo didn't question the fact that the voice was merely his own, so shocked by it, and feverish, that it was more like an old enemy to him.

"I will," he gasped out, tears spilling down his cheeks from the sorrow that that thought brought with it, "I will see him again!"

'Oh?' the voice asked snidely, 'I thought that you didn't know hat you wanted? What about not wanting to lose Wes? What about how much he loves you, the only father you've ever had? What about how, just thinking about leaving him, fills you with terror?'

"I'm scared," he admitted with a soft murmur, "I... I don't know how to live without him, what I should do. It paralyzes me."

He blinked, trying to clear his eyes of tears.

"I don't want to be here anymore," he said out loud, his voice suddenly strong and full of conviction.

If Heero had been there in that closet with him, his heart would have become overwhelmed with love for him, but Duo was unaware of that. He was only conscious of how powerful and sure that desire was, and his frantically beating heart.

'Then run.'

Terror hit him in a physical blow, along with an intense pain in his skull that almost had him blacking out again.

How? How could he possibly escape from here? From Wes? He was everywhere, he knew everything, every one of Duo's thoughts.

That isn't true.

He was stronger and faster and smarter and more resourceful than Duo could ever hope to be. How could he ever hope to escape from the monster that had kept him a slave for most of his life.

The shadows, which were already long and sinister, grew and, as he looked at them, became darker, the color of dried blood. He could smell it, thick and warm, like a handful of pennies. Blood. His blood.

It isn't real. You're sick and scared and hallucinating.

But wasn't it? Hadn't not so long ago, Wes had whipped him with his belt so hard that he had split his skin open in a dozen places? And hadn't he thrown him into this closet for the entire night, his blood soaking into the carpet?

'Maybe I'm dead already. Maybe he killed me and this is hell.'

Insane, broken thoughts, and they had nothing to do with his fever. He couldn't escape. A weak, pathetic thing like him, how could he?

'How about, instead of laying here and remembering the pain he put you in and thinking about how terrified you are, you do something about it. For once in your pathetic life, stop being paralyzed and run.'

Duo sat up as though he had just been violently woken up from a drugged slumber.

'C�mon, short stuff, think. What are your options? It's just like when you lived on the streets. You're trapped, what do you do first?' Shi's voice asked in his head. The mere imagined sound of it soothed his panic.

"Exits," he murmured, pure instinct taking over, "Where are my exits?"

Two exits, memory told him, one in his old bedroom. A window. The other, the door in the kitchen that, led into the alley. No, no he couldn't use the window in his room. Wes had probably locked it and if not, it squeaked. Wes would hear him before he could ever get out of it. And even if he did get out, it was a maze of alleyways outside. He couldn't risk that, in his panicked and fevered state, he might get lost.

'Ok, you have to get through the front door, then,' Shi said simply.

'But how?' Duo wondered, 'I'll have to wait until Wes leaves-'

'No,' Shi said sternly and Duo completely forgot that his voice was just his subconscious, it was like Shi was telling him what to do and that comforted him greatly, 'It has to be now,' Duo's heart thundered in his chest, 'The longer you wait, the weaker you'll be. you might lose your resolve, too. It has to be now, while he's left the closet door open. Even at full strength you could never force the door open and you don't have anything to pick the lock with. Right now, he thinks you're too tired and cowed to try to escape. Why do you think it is he's been feeding you, but only things low in protein and iron, and only in small amounts? He's trying to keep your strength down, keeping you hungry and weak so you won't be able to think. Right now, he's distracted and assuming he's winning.'

'But how can I do this? He's in the kitchen, and he's fast. Even if he were in his room, if I make a run for it, he'll get me when I'm taking the chain off the door. If he finds out before I can get to the alley, I'll never make it.'

'So don't run for it. C'mon, kiddo, you know what you should do, just think. That�s the one thing he isn't prepared for. He's prepared for you to try to run away and he thinks that he has complete and total control. Remember how surprised he was when he looked at your report card? He's always thought that you are worthless, that just because you lived on the streets that means you're stupid, that he can control you because you're too dumb to ever out smart him. That's your one and only ace in the hole here. HE thinks that he knows you, your every move. Surprise him.

'Get him as far away from the door as possible,' Duo thought to himself, almost in a trance, 'So he can't hear me undo the chain and open the door. He'll hear it close behind me, but that's ok. I know all the places I can hide in the area. Once I make it to the street, I can probably lose him long enough to... I don't know. I have no money, but I might be able to talk a bus or cab into giving me a ride, or I could make it to school or something. I'll have to lure him out of the kitchen somehow, but not to where I am.'

He could feel his mind clear a little as he planned out his escape. The two keys here, he realized, were making sure Wes was distracted and much farther away from the door than he was. The bathroom was the furthest room from the door. If he could trick Wes into thinking he had escaped the closet and had taken refuge into the bathroom, he could hide in Wes' room, maybe under the bed, and while Wes was in the bathroom, he could sneak to the door.

'The egg timer,' it dawned on him, 'that stupid little egg timer he keeps in the bathroom for when he would let me take a shower or punish me. If I set it to go off after thirty seconds, that'll give me the time to hide. He'll probably think I went in there to get a knife from the cabinet, and that timer is loud enough to hide what I'm doing, if I'm fast.'

And he would be fast.

'The first thing you need to do,' Shi advised him, 'is get out of those cuffs.'

Duo was a step ahead of his self-conscious, already looking around the closet for some tool he could use. This wasn't going to be easy, his hands were shaking badly. Duo eyed the open door. On a good day, he might consider prying the strap open, but he didn't have the focus, time, or tools for that. He would have to cut it off.

Wes had never been very adept at home improvement. He was perfectly capable of it, he had tools and knew how to fix things, he had just never cared enough about this place to work on anything that didn't need fixing immediately. The hinges on the closet door were faintly rusted, and the metal of the middle hinge was jagged. It was the closest thing to a jagged edge that he was going to get in here. HE didn't dare wander out of the closet in search of something better. He got on his knees and scooted over to the door, listening carefully for Wes. he pulled his wrists as much as he could and pressed the leather cuff to the hinge.

He had to be careful. he had dozens of open wounds on his wrists and arms. The last thing he needed on top of everything else was tetanus. He rubbed hard, but slowly against the worn, jagged hinge. Those next five minutes were complete torture. His heart thundered in his chest like a frantic drum beat and every little noise made him nearly hyperventilate. How long would Wes stay in the kitchen? What if the metal wasn't sharp enough to cut through the thick leather? He was on the verge of tears when finally, a thin tear appeared on the cuff. It was small, not even cutting halfway through, but it was the very first sign that this crazy-ass plan might actually work. Relief and excitement surged through him and he redoubled his efforts. The strap was wrapped double around his wrists, but if he could just get it lose enough to get one wrist free, that was all he needed.

A floorboard in the hall creaked. Duo froze for a second, even his heart ceased its racing beat, but quickly doubled, making his chest hurt.

'Nononononono,' any thoughts about being careful vanished and he rubbed back and forth against the hinge as hard as he could, bruising his wrists, 'It's too soon, I need more time!'

'What difference does it make if you can get it off before he makes it to the door?' Shi asked, 'If he figures out what you're up to now, you'll never even make it to the kitchen.'

But it didn't matter. He couldn't think, he was panicking too badly. Duo was almost through the top strap when he saw Wes' boot. His heart felt like it was going to explode. He threw himself back from the door. He had to hide the damage he had done from Wes and make him go back to the kitchen...

But it was too late. With his hands tied in front of him, there was no way for him to hide them. He pulled his wrists apart frantically as Wes walked back into the closet, hoping he had torn the leather enough that it would just give. He wouldn't be able to go through with his original plan, but at least he would give himself some small chance to defend himself. The leather made a very slight ripping sound, but didn't budge anymore.

"You fucking shit!" Wes snarled as he saw the large tear Duo had put in the cuff, and stormed over to him, reminding Duo of a charging tiger, fangs bared and death in its eyes.

There was no where for him to go. Even if his hands had been free, he couldn't have gotten away or avoided the first blow. He had been kidding himself to think that all it would have taken was getting use of his hands back to defend himself. Perhaps it had been a moment of denial, or the fever, but he had forgotten how strong Wes was, and what he was like when you pissed him off. He wasn't a shark or a crocodile or even a tiger. He was a force of nature. Single minded destruction.

Wes back handed him with his fist and Duo felt his lip split open, warm blood trickling down the corner of his mouth. The furious blonde didn't give him a single second to recover, grabbing him by his dirty bangs and slamming his head into the wall. White lights flashed in Duo's vision, so much brighter than the dark shadows of the closet. His head made a blunt, thudding sound as it hit the wall and pain burst in the side of his head. For a moment, he had a moment of nostalgia, remembering the pain he had felt when Wes had slammed it into the tiled floor when he had been much younger. The pain then had been much sharper, much more agonizing, but the blankness in his head had felt the same. Like nothing existed in the world or in his thoughts. Nothing at all.

He fell to the floor like someone had cut his strings and he laid there motionless. He didn't try to get up. He lacked the ability to move at all. The white light dulled to more alarming spots of red. His brains felt like they had been mashed, though experience told him that it would go away in a few hours. He blinked in shock unable to keep up with what Wes had just done. The only thought he had was how lucky he was. The part of his head that had hit the wall hadn't been the part that had been fractured years ago. With the violence of the blow, he had no doubt that something... very unpleasant would have happened if he had turned his head at that moment and the wall had hit the back instead of the side. He probably would have died. Even when his senses cleared enough to feel the blood on the side of his head, somehow hotter and thicker than from his lip, he didn't move. He felt paralyzed.

"I think you like it rough," Wes growled, nudging Duo's stomach with the tip of his boot, "You must. Here I am, thinking we're past all this bullshit. I've been good to you. I've been giving you three meals a day, I haven't been rough with you. I've offered you everything! Hell, I didn't even tie you down like I should have, because you were scared! And how do you repay me? Even now, all you do is fight me, try to run from me back to that brat!"

"Wes..." Duo murmured, without having any conscious thought to what he was trying to say.

"Shut up!" he snarled, pressing his boot down into Duo's stomach until he heard the satisfactory gasp of pain, "What the fuck does it take for you to grow up and realize where the hell you belong?!"

He stopped pressing his boot against the teenager's stomach and instead stepped down on his bound hands, putting more and more pressure on his wrists. Duo gritted his teeth at the pain, feeling the stress on his bones. He felt tears prick his vision as panic screamed in him, making him want to bed Wes not to break his wrists, anything but that. If he did that, he would lose all hope of escape. But Duo refused to let that weakness show, both his panic and his tears. He wouldn't give Wes the satisfaction to know how terrified he was that he had finally forced the psychotic man over the edge.

"Do you enjoy doing this?" he rasped.

Wes' foot paused, but stayed on his hands.

"Doing what?" he asked gruffly.

Duo looked up at him, tired, frightened violets meeting stony grey. Wes' eyes were always so flat, not quite dead, but bored. Like a gifted child stuck taking the same classes with everyone else, like he was always three steps faster than everyone around him and was constantly waiting for them to catch up. But now, they were alive and vibrant. Excited. They always were when they were together like this. When Wes was hurting him, either to punish him or rape him or to just play some sick mind game with him. He had been thinking that it was Wes who made himself feel alive, to validate his existence, to give him some kind of connection to life. But maybe he provided the same thing to Wes? That thought disturbed something deep inside of him greatly.

"Killing me."

Wes snorted in amusement and lifted his foot off of Duo's hands and wrists, nearly making the boy sigh in relief.

"Don't be dramatic," Wes' voice was still gruff, but he seemed to think that Duo's assessment was funny.

'This is what he's really like. Not those brief moments when he's been kind or even those times that he's listened to you, let you have your way as he says he loves you. Just this. This is Wes Maxwell. A man who only looks human when he's torturing another person. A man who doesn't give a shit about the child he's lived with for eight years, at least not in the sense that anyone else would. He says that he loves you, but he denies you everything you need, only giving you scraps from his table when he feels like. Just like a dog.'
"I'm not a dog!"
All of the color drained from Duo's face as a memory, like a shard of glass, ripped through his head, leaving agony in its wake, although it was merely a fragment, a piece of pain and sorrow and anger that he couldn't make heads or tails of without the rest of the shards. He felt something inside of him break, some resolve that he had had, in the face of Wes' brute force and cruelty.

'I'm getting out of this closet,' he thought, 'Even if I have to do something disgusting or terrible. Even if I'll hate myself later. All that matters is getting out of this tiny, dark place. I'll do ANYTHING to get out, anything at all.'

It seemed so simple, what he had to do. What he had to say. He felt that broken thing die, and some voice in his head screamed at him not to do it, not to say it, because if he did, he could never go back. But what choice did he have? Wes was in control, as he had always been, and Duo had nothing. No power, no control. His plan was shattered. He could either die or... this.

"Wes... please... just let me go," he begged, and his own voice rang in his head, from the last time he had spoken those words, and for a moment, there were metal cuffs and chains binding his wrists instead of torn leather.

"And why should I do that?" the tall blonde asked, anger darkening his tone, "Every fucking time I do you a favor, you spit it back in my face."

"Aren't you tired of this?" Duo asked, almost in a whisper, his voice weak, "All this... struggle between us?"

Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if I just disappeared again? What is the point of this? Why can't you understand that?

Wes cocked his head to the side a little, looking honestly confused, an expression that Duo had never seen on his face before.

"Why?" the confusion melted away to an eerie smile, "It hasn't been a struggle for me."

Duo stared at him in shock. After all of the pain he suffered, all of the heartache he had gone through trying to escape from Wes, only to be met with fear and paranoia when he had, all these broken memories and feelings inside of him, his destroyed psyche... in all of this time... Wes had just thought of it all as a sick game. Even when he had escaped from him for all those months, Wes had been hunting him like some prize game. Did he even know what it meant, to hurt, to really lose something important? Or, to him, was it just losing the thrill of a good sport?

Heero, Name, Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre... they had all called Wes a monster, something that wasn't human, and something inside of him had protested that. Some part of him had screamed that no, something in Wes had to be human, had to be sane, even if it was something small. It was the same part of him that had felt a burst of love for the man when he had made him breakfast or combed his hair. But it was a lie. That voice in his head was right. This was the real Wes. And there was nothing human left in him. He had thought that he had escaped from that monster, but he hadn't. It's shadow had stalked him, all these months. His escape had been a lie. Him... the real him, his soul or whatever you wanted to call it, had been here, trapped.

The entire time he had thought that he had freed himself from this nightmare, he had felt that monster in his head, poisoning him. Like a Komodo Dragon that takes one bite of its prey, then waits and stalks it until it falls over dead, the bacteria in its bite tagging that animal forever, in festering death it couldn't possibly escape from.

'He's won,' Duo thought, feeling like he was breaking, just like that night when he had been seven years old all over again, 'He's going to break me again. Just like before, when I would do every little thing he told me to do, without a second thought. I'll become that person again.'

Very soon now, his heart would die again. He could feel that, as real and stagnant as the smell of cigarettes on Wes' breath.

'If that's true, then just say it. If you can't escape him, then at least give yourself the illusion of freedom. Say it.'

Wes watched as the light seemed to vanish from the boy's eyes and frowned. He didn't want it to be this way. He didn't want him to vanish on him again. He had to be here with him. He didn't want some broken toy in Duo's place. Wes sighed heavily. Why the hell did the brat have to make things so uselessly complicated and not just do what he was told? Even now, his sudden listlessness didn't make him happy, not one little bit. As though the kid was running away into his head just to spite him.

"I know that I hurt you when I chained you up in the bed last time," he admitted without any hesitance or struggle, "but I had thought that it was necessary."

Duo's shock turned to pure incredulance. He thought that that was all that this was about? That he wasn't agreeing to go with him because he was still pissed off about being chained to a bed for two weeks? Wes had said that so easily... as though it had been on the tip of his tongue for so long, but he had never said it because he hadn't seen the point of it, it had served no purpose to him to admit that he had hurt him, that he hadn't wanted to hurt him that badly. Or rather, that he hadn't believed his actions back then would have created any negative consequences for himself.

"I'm sorry."

Duo's heart stopped in his chest. It felt like the world... his world... was collapsing in on itself, everything becoming tiny and grey, unimportant. No... no, he wasn't allowed to say that! How dare he. How dare he! Wes wasn't allowed to say that he was sorry, not now! He didn't want to hear him apologize to him, not ever! He had forced him down and chained him up like a wild animal, had not let him even move, or stretch his legs or go to the bathroom like a human being, had let dozens and dozens of men put their cocks and semen in him in the dark, like he was some kind of dirty, motherfucking secret Wes was ashamed of! Like a freak, an inhuman object, a sex toy! He had broken his fucking mind, all because Wes had been too proud and stubborn to just let him go! And he wanted to say he was sorry now? Fuck him! And the thing that really hurt, the thing that really pissed him off at the same time that it made him feel like his heart was being ripped open, was the fact that he knew it was a lie.

"Ok," he murmured.

'Say it. Say it so it can all be over. Aren't you tired of this? Of the fighting? All this pain... how much can you take? Don't you want to end it before you break again, this time for good?

"What?" Wes asked impatiently.

"Yes, I'll go with you."

Wes hesitated. It was what he had wanted to hear, after all this chasing. He almost called the brat out on his bullshit, but studied his face. Duo's eyes lacked any light, any of the fight that they had had in them up until now. He had seen the look in the faces of a hundred children and women before. Surrender. It made him both happy and unhappy, relieved and frustrated. He had won, but he hadn't wanted to win just yet. But still... that light was gone but there was something else there. It made him very wary, because he couldn't put a name to it. He had never seen whatever it was before, in anyone else. But he discarded his confusion. It didn't matter.

"You'll do everything I say?" he snapped at the teenager.

Duo nodded very meekly. He was tired. In his body and in his heart, he was tired. Wes knelt down, taking the sharp hunting knife with the worn, beaten handle from his belt and pressed it to Duo's neck. Cold grey eyes bore into him, but they didn't bother Duo anymore.

"If you do anything I don't like, I'll slit your throat," he threatened in a low growl.

Duo didn't doubt him. For all of his declarations of loving him, he knew that if he kept this up, Wes was going to kill him. He wouldn't give him another chance after this. Wes slid the deadly-looking knife under the tear that Duo had made and finished the job. The brunette winced as the leather fell off his wrists, revealing black bruises on his wrists. He was free. And he wasn't. He sat up, careful not to sit on his hair and tug his scalp, which was still throbbing from hitting the wall. He rubbed at his wrists. They felt so raw and there were slight smears of blood on them, but that didn't matter now. He placed his hands down on either side of him, feeling the material of the carpet. It was rough and scratchy. He hadn't realized that before. Duo lashed out with his foot as hard as he could and kicked Wes brutally in the throat. The darkness of the closet made it nearly impossible to aim, but he felt it on the bottom of his foot, that familiar neck and the hardness of his Adam�s apple.

Duo heard Wes make a sharp, guttural, almost hacking noise and the knife fell from his hands somewhere with a thump. He felt this intense emotion fill him at that pained noise, like triumph. Or maybe it was revenge. Duo ignored it and the knife completely, instinct telling him that, by the time he found it, it would be too late. He leapt to his feet with more gracefulness than he had thought he would have at this point, but maybe that was all because of the adrenaline. His heart surged as he ran, taking his first couple of steps out of the closet for the first time in... he had no idea how many days. The light was pure agony, but he just shut his eyes, having walked down this hallway a thousand times before.

He made it three more steps before Wes grabbed him by his loose hair and threw him back into the closet with a bellow of rage and pain, his voice contorted from the blow Duo had given him. Duo fell onto his back in a gasp, then all sound and breath escaped him as Wes' hand closed around his throat.

'He's going to kill you.'

It wasn't like it had been, so many, many times before, like how it had been on their first night together. Wes didn't relieve the pressure this time. He wasn't going to bring him back from the edge of death. Duo's eyes were open, but all he could see was the darkness.

'This was your last chance. And what if he doesn't kill you?'

Duo scrambled, trying to grab Wes' wrists, to try to get him to let go of his throat, but Wes' grip was like steel.

'What if, at the very last moment, he decides he doesn't want to kill you? What if he just keeps you in here, in the dark?'

Even with Wes' hands tight around his neck, Duo started to hyperventilate. Forever in the dark... this blackness the last thing he would ever see...

'My last chance...'

'He's pushed you around your entire life, and you've let him. If he kills you now, it's because you gave up. He'll win. He'll keep going on raping little kids and murdering families. He'll kill you and cut your body up into little pieces. Then he'll find some poor, scared child he's cowed and beaten to take your body to a dumpster for him. Heero and Name will never know what really happened. They'll always wonder, and spend their long nights waiting for you to come home, but your body will be in rotten pieces. Or maybe someone will find your body before they can dispose of it. A cop will come to the house and tell Name 'Sorry, Mrs. Yuy...''

Tears streamed down Duo's face and he scratched at Wes' arms frantically, like a wild cat, tearing up the man's skin and making blood drip down from the cuts.

'Or you can stand up for yourself for once. In this place, no one else will. It's just the two of you here, just as its always been. Wes thinks you're nothing, a piece of shit that's too weak to even defend it's own right to live! But Heero always believed in you... believed that you were strong when no one else ever could! Do you want to prove him wrong?'

Everything was fading away, but those words rang over and over in his head.

Duo felt Wes let go of his throat, just like how the voice said that he would, and he took deep, gasping breaths, but it didn't matter to him. Wes giving back his life was nothing to him. Heero... he had to get home to Heero... he had to see him... see his Mommy, do right by them... be loved by them... That was what he wanted, all that he had ever wanted! Nothing else mattered, not Wes. Wes didn't matter. Wes was nothing, he was tiny... he just wanted to be loved...

Duo's right hand searched for something on the floor, anything he could use, even if it was just the buckle on the cuff, anything at all to use to defend himself. His fingers touched something hard. He felt a familiar cut in the surface and he curled his hand around it. His hand arched out to strike Wes with it, to get him the fuck off of him.

The knife stabbed Wes in the side of his neck, burying nine inches of sharpened steel into his flesh up to the hilt.

Wes' eyes widened, his usually dark and stormy gray looking lighter, like slate, or perhaps that was just Duo's imagination. Everything was quiet and still, not just around him, but in his head and heart. It was as if time itself had stopped. Duo watched, transfixed, the hilt of the knife as blood started to stream down it. What he had just done didn't hit him at all. It was as though someone had switched off his consciousness. Or it was hiding. All he could do was wonder why he felt so sick to his stomach and his hands were shaking.

Then, the world turned back on and Duo wished that it hadn't, that it had stayed still. His heart beat was doing something very interesting, beyond just racing with adrenaline. Wes didn't look shocked or horrified or scared or even like he was in pain with his knife, the same knife he had used on Duo and countless others embedded in his throat. He just looked... surprised, like this course of events, the possibility of it, had never occurred to him. He looked confused. Confused and surprised and... betrayed. Pain reached a steady roar of agony in Duo's head and chest. He didn't even know that he was hyperventilating again. It was then that Duo realized that his mind wasn't blank. It was filled with white noise, the sound of his own mental screaming.

Wes, like he was trying to remove nothing bigger or more alarming than a splinter, grabbed the protruding handle and pulled he knife out of his neck. The knife made a grotesque, wet sound as it slid out, taking some small, red pieces of flesh with it. Dark arterial blood gushed out from the wound, pouring down Wes' neck, shoulder, and chest, splattering down on Duo's already stained shirt, completely soaking the front of it with blood so thick, it was almost brown. The blood was disturbingly warm, like a living thing.

The injured pimp pressed his hand to the open, grisly wound, thinking rationally when most would have panicked, his chest heaving as he uselessly tried to breathe through his ripped wind pipe. It was like trying to fill a hole in a dam with mud. The blood gushed out under his hand and through his fingertips.

Wes somehow managed to stagger to his feet and Duo had the insane, and childish, thought that maybe Wes was a monster after all and, like all the most terrifying of monsters, was immortal, caught between being horrified at what he had done and shocked at just how strong and tenacious the man really was.

But Wes wasn't a monster, much less an immortal one. He took a few stumbling steps towards the hallway, then fell just as Duo had earlier when he had thrown him against the wall. As though someone had cut his strings. Duo waited (hoped) for him to get to his feet again, horrified and hopeful that his dubious father was so strong... so terrible, that he might actually survive. But Wes only took a few gasping breaths, then stilled. Blood pooled under his body as his hand fell away. His eyes, flat and lifeless like a doll's, and somehow very different from the stony way he had often looked, seemed to stare accusingly at Duo although they weren't looking in his direction.

'He's dead.'

No.

'He's dead and you killed him.

No!

'You murdered him. Just like something he would have-'

Duo tightened his grip on the hair ribbon. He was completely ignorant of this, that he was still even holding it at all. He got to his feet and gravity shifted. He suddenly felt incredibly dizzy, like he was the one who had lost so much bloo...

A jolt of adrenaline went through him, probably all the he had left, as though someone had jabbed him with a stun baton. He went to where the knife had fallen and knelt down. He grabbed it hastily, his hand shaking so badly, and the knife so covered in blood, that his hand slipped and he cut his fingers. He didn't feel it. He tightened his grip around it and let it cut into him a little bit more. He all but ran out of the closet and down the hall. He felt numb, like he was in a dream that he couldn't ever wake up from. He didn't look back, at Wes' body. He didn't need to. The image of those dead, gray eyes staring at him in confused betrayal was the only thing he could see.
　

End Part 13
I just want to say that before I even started to write this story four years ago, I knew where it was going to lead. I�ve been both dreading and eagerly waiting to write this part and I kind of had a minor panic attack in writing those ending scenes. I hope they�re good enough, after all of these years plotting it out in my head.
Also, this part isn�t edited apart from basic grammar and spelling, so I apologize if it seems very rushed or there�s some repeated stuff. I got towards the end with the intention of going back and reading it all through, but then realized that I hadn�t posed anything in over two months -_- Well, TRTK itself is very raw and when I plan to get it published, I�m going to change and edit a bunch of this content anyway.
Pikeebo: Uhh, I give you some action? It really depends on what you see as freedom. Victims of rape and abuse never really forget what happened to them. It�ll always be there, waiting for a weak moment, but I hope this part shows that something inside of Duo is ready to move on and try to be strong and independent. Obviously, Wes� death is going to set him back, but that strength is still there. He just needs to sort through a few issues of his first.
ffreeloader: I can�t remember if I already responded to this, but I�ll address it here. Yeah, that flashback was repetitive and even while I was writing it, it annoyed me, but there were a few things that happened in it that are important, not just in this part, but in later plot points. A part of me wanted to just summarize what happened in Duo�s thoughts and then move on to the part with Shi and Amaaya, which is actually a lot more important, but I didn�t want to rush through it and miss stuff. It�s going to be one of those things that�ll end up being rewritten.
Loverofyaoi: Yeah, same thing as I said to ffreeloader. It was repetitive and I got annoyed with it even as a I wrote it, but I wanted to go down that avenue for a bit.
Caressedbythorns: I can�t remember if I replied to you, either. Sorry, it�s been a really hectic last three weeks for me >.< Thank you so much for reviewing! I never really know if people are getting tired of this story or not, so I love hearing from people who have been reading but haven�t reviewed yet ^_^
　

Lastly, no, this isn�t the point I mentioned before where I�m going to go off to other things. I wouldn�t be QUITE that mean to you all. There are going to be other parts, maybe one to three, before I swan off. For those of you that care about such things, A Stagnation of Love is the first story up to be written on after TRTK. It�s been so neglected >.<

　

　

　

　

　

　
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The Road to Kindness