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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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The Road to Kindness
Author�s Note: I just want to apologize to everyone for the long wait for this part. I was actually 3/4ths done with this part back in late October, but had to take a hiatus from it due to National Novel Writing Month (I worked on Incubus Lessons, btw, which I�m going to post when I have the chance to edit it) and the holiday season. Things have been very stressful for me lately with a lot of attacks against this story eroding my self esteem and desire to post anything at all on it, plus health issues and the fact that my roommates and I are getting evicted on March 1st, so I�ve been scrambling around trying to get a better paying job and find a place that is suitable for all of us and my roommates� animals (not an easy task, as anyone with multiple cats and dogs can tell you). I�m not looking for pity, those are just the reasons why this took me so long to write.
And no, I�m not giving up on The Road to Kindness. All input (even the more hostile reviews) have been helpful. This story, as it always has been, is brought to you in a completely raw, unedited format. What some people don�t realize is that this doesn�t just mean typos and grammar and structure. If I get an idea that I might be able to put into the story, I put it in. Even if it doesn�t flow well and feels repetitive to me, I�ll write. Not because I want it in the story, but just to keep moving forward. Eventually I�m going to cut a lot of it out in it�s original format (I have been struggling, for example, to find a way to smooth over the parts with Stark and Relena that I feel don�t flow with the story, but their existence plays very vital roles later on in the story), so I�m sorry if the length of this thing is so off putting. I guess what I�m saying is that all of you are the test group to help me see what people like and don�t like.
As to the person that was review bombing me with accusations of promoting and glorifying child rape and that I should be kicked off the site, I�m not going to argue about your ridiculous point of view because there�s really no point arguing with someone who is obviously a troll and too lazy to get a real account.
Anyway, to those that still enjoy this story and care about its progress, thanks for sticking with me this far. I�m still not to the hiatus point yet, so there will be a few more parts before I take a bit of a vacation from this story. I�ll try my hardest to update faster, but please be patient with me, things are a bit hectic in my real life currently ^_^
Chapter 8

Part 17

Heero had done some pretty shitty things in his life. Back when he had taken up smoking for all of five months, he had stolen money from his mother. He had constantly picked stupid, useless fights with Quatre and Trowa to drive them away. He had gotten kicked out a few school for beating up his classmates and a teacher or two, others his mother had been forced to remove him. He had hurt people and had felt no remorse for any of it. But he had never before felt like such an ass as when he told Stark what Duo had done to himself in his sleep. He had never felt such an instant surge of guilt as when he watched the doctor put the cuffs around his wrists again and sedate him.

He told himself that it was necessary, that Duo had no control over his own actions right now, that he was hurting himself and not even realizing it, but he still felt like he was kicking a puppy, like he was the worst friend in the entire world. Duo's reaction to it wasn't helping. About an hour after Stark had left, Duo woke up. He had seemed to be in a daze from the drugs and had quickly fallen back asleep without having realized that he was restrained, which had been a huge relief. His friend slept for a long time after that, and Heero didn't know if it was because of the drugs, how sick he was, or if some part of him knew what was happening, what he had done to himself, and was hiding from it.

He almost wished that Duo would just sleep for the rest of their hospital stay. That he would just rest, blissfully ignorant of the chaos that his self-injury had caused, and wake up healed and refreshed, able to speak and tell them everything that had happened. But of course, reality wasn't that simple. Even if Duo did sleep for the next couple of days, it wasn't going to fix what was really wrong with him, the reason why he couldn't speak and why he kept hurting himself. If anything, sleep was the enemy. The two times that Duo had hurt himself that Heero knew of, he had been asleep, first unnaturally through sedation and then last night... Not only would such a prolonged sleep worry the hell out of all of them, his infections weren't the problem anymore.

Stark was hell bent on having Duo evaluated by their staff psychiatrist and refused to have his cuffs taken off until then if he or one of his nurses weren't present. He had hoped that Duo would wake up during one of those moments, so they could just explain the situation to Duo, but they were never that lucky.

Duo awoke for real this time, just a couple of hours after his mother had finally returned from making a call to her second in command. He had just looked confused and a little bit scared at first, unable to remember where he was or why. Once he had sleepily realized that he couldn't move his wrists, however, duo had quickly become wide awake. Heero had been expecting the impending panic attack, but then Duo's eyes had found his and he had settled. It had made Heero's heart race and his stomach churn, how easily his mere presence could soothe his friend's fears. The responsibility Duo unknowingly placed on his shoulders time and time again nearly made him shudder with fears of failure.

He had tried his hardest to explain everything to the longhaired boy. What he had seen during the night, the damage he had done to himself in a strange trance. He had also told Duo about him calling Stark, making damned certain that his friend knew that it was Heero's fault, he was restrained now, despite his mother's sharp looks of caution.

He had expected Duo to get angry at him, even if he still couldn't say it out loud. But after Heero had clarified everything to him, Duo had just smiled at him, as though he were thanking him for making that decision. Heero would have been happy to have Duo mad at him, because he was furious with himself. Duo's half hearted, but genuine smile made that feeling of kicking puppies return at full force. No, it was worse than kicking puppies. Calling Stark and knowing what would happen, then having Duo smile at him like that made him feel like he had stuffed some defenseless, mewing kittens into a sack and threw them into a river.

Heero sat in his chair numbly as Stark stood on the other side of Duo's hospital bed and explained to him what was going to happen to him now. Quatre and Trowa had come back from their rest, but the doctor was refusing to let anyone visit Duo except for Name and Heero. The Japanese teenager felt like his life had been spinning more and more out of control ever since he had gotten Trowa's phone call in London.

"You're responding well to the antibiotics," Stark intoned, splitting his attention between Duo and studying his chart, "Your fever has gone down a bit since last night and the various infections are much improved. Your cognition tests are average, so I don't believe your concussion caused any permanent damage. how is your throat feeling?" the doctor managed to ask with a tone of complete disinterest.

Stark had unbuckled Duo's straps while he was there, allowing the boy to continue to use the notepad to communicate.

'Feels better,' he wrote, 'Don't feel as sick. Back and head still hurt, but not as badly.'

Stark nodded in approval.

"Normally, I would be confident enough to release you in the morning tomorrow, you would just need to continue to take the antibiotics and vitamins orally for another week. However, your current... mental state has complicated things."

Duo shifted uncomfortably, looking away to the corner of the room. Heero didn't need that stupid notebook to know what he was thinking and feeling right then. He was thinking that this was all of his fault, that because of his psychological state, he was forcing them to stay here longer than they needed to be, and it was making him feel guilty. It drove Heero nuts. He wished that he could have a moment alone with Duo to get rid of those fears.

"As long as you remain a danger to yourself, I cannot release you," Stark told Duo, writing something down on his own notepad, "If I discharged you and you continued to seriously harm yourself, this hospital could be held responsible. Your IVs will be taken out tomorrow morning. I'm scheduling you for a psychological evaluation with our on-staff psychiatrist an hour after that. You'll be released only if she okays it."

The doctor's words were cold and clinical, devoid of any real emotion, but Duo still felt like the man was rubbing all of this in his face. He felt like he had when he had plotted to escape from that closet, only to have Wes try to restrain him again. The worst was that there was nothing he could do about it. In twenty four hours, he would either be allowed to go back home or he wouldn't. What could he possibly do in that time to stop it? He had tried so hard to speak, but every time he did, it was like someone had severed his vocal cords. And how could he stop hurting himself in his sleep when he wasn't even aware that he was doing it or why? He just couldn't see what a shrink would do for him, either. The thought of trying to communicate his problems to a total stranger who had that kind of power over him, just with a pen and paper, made him sick to his stomach.

Stark had already told Heero and Name about all of this earlier, so Heero studied his friend as the doctor broke all of this news to him. The sometimes subtle, and sometimes dramatic changes in Duo's expression told him all of the things that the boy couldn't say. And even more importantly, it told him all of the things that Duo, whether he could speak or not, wouldn't say. Fear, shock, shame, bitterness, sadness, frustration... raw emotions that painted the picture for Heero very clearly.

Seeing those things there on that pale face only made Heero more terrified for his best friend's mental state. Whatever had happened when Duo had been abducted, he was blaming himself for. Maybe that seemed like it was nothing different than now he had blamed himself for being raped and abused for all of those years, but it was. This was so much worse. It was insidious; deep, dark, and violent. The blame that Duo was placing on himself was fueled by anger and hatred at himself, and Heero believed it was the reason for his self abuse. It frightened him, how twisted up Duo's feelings and guilt were. How could he make him understand that there was no reason for that guilty when he didn't know what had happened?

He felt like he had when his father had died, that feeling of someone he loved just... slipping through his fingers, like there was something he needed to do to save them, but knew he was just going to fail them. He was scared that he was losing Duo to whatever it was that was tormenting him.

"I need to speak to you," Name said tersely to Stark, in that tone of hers that clearly said that disobeying her was not an answer.

Stark followed her out into the hall, closing the door behind him. Duo watched her go anxiously, as though he were scared to be apart from her, like a baby duck. That alone told Heero how off balance and vulnerable he was feeling. Heero reached out and took Duo's hand in his, trying to be reassuring, even though he didn't have the slightest clue what to say. Duo tried to smile, but his eyes remained dark and turbulent, clouded with deep anxieties. It devastated his friend.
*****
"I just want it to be clear that I don't approve any of this," Name said sharply while trying to keep her voice down so her children couldn't hear.

"Duly noted," Stark said dryly and seemed to be fighting off a superior smirk.

"Duo is traumatized by whatever happened to him, and your solution is to sedate him and keep him tied down, which is just making his emotional state worse. What exactly are you going to do if the psychiatrist doesn't ok his release tomorrow? Keep him here indefinitely?"

Stark crossed his arms over his chest defensively, hating how she always seemed to sound like she was scolding a small child when she talked to him

"No. Once he's healed enough physically to be safely discharged, he will be out of my hands. If he is found to be a serious threat to himself, which, quite frankly, I think will be the result after the damage he did this morning, he will be admitted to our psychiatric ward to be treated there," he narrowed his flat eyes at her, "This isn't some kind of... personal vendetta I have against you. Once Duo's IVs are taken out tomorrow and I give him his prescriptions, he is officially out of my hands. How long it takes him to be released from psychiatric care is entirely up to Duo, so don't take that tone with me. He did this to himself."

Name glared back at him, her fire meeting his ice head on, but she knew he was right. She was well aware of how much she pissed him off, but she didn't think he had it in him to do something like this out of spite. She was an excellent judge of character and knew that, as cold and petty as Stark came across, he, and all men like him, were at their very core cowards. Stark took his job very seriously because it had made him king of this castle that was this hospital, which was why Mrs. Chang's position here rubbed him the wrong way. It didn't bother him to start a fight with someone he perceived as small, like Lian or Duo, but Name was kind of a much larger castle, so anything he did, he would make sure it was far out of her view. He was too pompous and self-important to risk losing his sacred position.

And Duo's problems were very real. In a way, there was absolutely nothing wrong with Stark's actions. Her charge was hurting himself while in some sort trance or short fugue state. Taking him out of this hospital was not going to cure the underlying cause or the symptoms. What if it got worse and he either hurt himself much more seriously or did not snap out of the trance next time? There was no way they could cope with that. She loved Duo with every inch of her soul, enough to admit that she was not equipped to help through a mental break like this and if she tried, she might do him a great deal of damage. She couldn't risk that.

Quite possibly the best thing for him right now was to get looked at by a professional. This wasn't the 1960's or some overly dramatic film. They weren't going to whisk Duo away to some dark room where they would never see him again. They would know a lot more about Duo's condition than she did, but she still felt this pit in her stomach. It might be the best thing for him right now, but she didn't like how it was being decided. She didn't like seeing Duo restrained and she didn't like that Stark hadn't made any of these choices without even talking with her first.

If she thought that throwing the traumatized boy at a psychiatrist would solve his problems, she would have done it when he had started to live with them. Since that defining when Duo had told them about his dark past and present, she had done research on post traumatic stress disorder and what victims of rape went through, tackling Duo's issues like she typically did any problem, so she fully understood that there would be things that no amount of therapy, and no amount of love would ever fix. That was the true evil of rape and abuse. Once it was done, it could never be taken back, never fully healed. There was no true justice for the victims, all you could do was bandage the wounds that could scar over.

Duo's issues, in a way, were no different than someone who had alcoholism or some other addiction. You couldn't force a person to seek help if they weren't ready for it. If they didn't consent, they were just going to return to all of those habits and behaviors once they could. Name had wanted to gradually get Duo to become more and more comfortable with opening up his darkest secrets to people, to being honest with his memories and feelings until he was ready to talk to an initial stranger about them. Now that coaxing was being taken out of her hands, she hoped that if he failed his psych exam tomorrow, the therapy the hospital was going to provide would help him, but she didn't fully believe that it would. If Duo was keeping what Wes had done to him a secret from them, she just couldn't see him confessing any of it to a shrink that he was being forced to talk to.

Heero suddenly walked out into the hallway and Name worried that they had been arguing loud enough to hear, but if he had, he seemed unconcerned with it.

"I need to ask you for a favor," Heero said to Stark, clearly grudging to have to ask him for anything and ready for a fight.

Stark gestured for him to continue, still looking agitated from his fight with Name.

"I want to wash Duo's hair. He'll never admit to it, but he doesn't like it loose and I think how dirty it is is starting to bother him," he didn't mention about how filthy his hair had been when they had first met and how happy his friend had been when they had allowed him to shower during sleepovers, so he was a bit touchy about it, "but I can't do it when he's strapped down. I don't want you or any nurse to just be... standing around watching. I need for you to keep him unrestrained, just until I'm done."

"That's out of the question," Stark snapped, "One of the nurses can do it when it's time for him to be cleaned up-"

"He hates it when strangers touch his hair. There is no reason for him to be restrained for something like that. As far as you know, he's only tried to hurt himself in his sleep, right? Besides, I won't let him out of my sight for a second. If he starts to act weird, I can just restrain him again," Heero growled back at him.

Stark gritted his teeth. It would give him great pleasure to tell the brat no. Of course his argument was completely logical, but he would never admit that to him. He just wanted to see the Japanese teenager disappointed, to re-assert his control over this situation, but one look at the boy's mother told him that she would fight him on this, as petty as it was, and fight him hard.

"Fine," he snarled, "but when I come back, he had better be strapped down again."

The doctor walked off without waiting for confirmation. Heero shot his mother a suffering look, winning a smirk and snort of amusement from her before the two of them went back inside the hospital room. Duo looked utterly relieved to see them, even though neither of them had been gone that long. Heero tried to decipher what he was thinking again, but this time couldn't. During his other lengthy hospital stay, the American had been perpetually frightened whenever Heero or Name hadn't been there, terrified that the only people who cared enough to try to take care of him when he was so terribly sick and injured were just going to disappear and abandon him, like everything else good in his life. Heero didn't want to assume that that was the source of his friend's relief now. He knew that Duo no longer believed they would leave him at the soonest sight of trouble, but that fear might be too deeply ingrained in him, visible again now that he was feeling vulnerable and dependant.

His friend glanced at the door again in nervousness, only to look more relieved when Stark didn't come in with them. He knew that when he did, or one of his nurses, he was going to be restrained again. He didn't know how to feel about it, being strapped down. It was strange, the prospect of being unable to move his arms should be sending him into deep panic attacks, bit it wasn't. He had been terrified at first, waking up like that, but once he had realized that Name and Heero had been with him, he had felt at ease, safe, knowing that they would never let anything bad happen to him that they could prevent, which was good enough for him. and being unable to move, to defend himself, did scare some animal instinctual part of himself, but his fear was sane and controllable. He had never experienced something like this before.

In a way, being strapped down was a relief. The pain in his leg... the pain that he had caused himself, was much more frightening than being bound. Was it because this... insanity of his, this self-abuse was another form of restraint, like being on KL6, unable to control his own actions? Was it because he was so used to being tied down, but the self abuse was something new? Or, and he so deeply hoped that this was the case, Wes' death was finally seeping through the walls of denial he had erected in his head, not to torture him and make him guilty, but to lessen the fear that had been a part of his life for far too long? Was he less afraid of being restrained because his subconscious understood that the monster could no longer hurt him, strapped down or not? That anything else that could possibly harm him was tiny in comparison? That the only thing left for him to be truly scared of was his own self? If that was true, then being restrained was a relief, because it meant he couldn't hurt himself. But that didn't mean he had to like it.

"I convinced Doctor Stark to not put the straps back on," Heero told him, "At least not until I can get your hair clean."

Duo's violet eyes widened in shock at that information. Heero was going to wash his hair?" It sent a thrill shooting through him. It excited him on some level he didn't fully understand, and it soothed him. Those rare times when he had been out of his head with panic or very sick, Heero washing his hair had always been a balm to his soul. He picked up the notebook, but Heero interrupted him before he could write anything.

"Don't tell me that I don't need to do it," his best friend said sternly, but kindly, "I know how much it's been bothering you, not just how dirty it is, but having it down like this."

Duo blushed darkly. He had been trying to ignore how weird it felt, having his hair loose instead of in its brain in front of everyone.

"It's been a very long time since you're been denied a shower," Heero said softly, not noticing how pained his mother looked, or how sad at the memory of those first few times she had met the boy, how quiet and frightened he had been, like a mouse, his torn dirty clothes and ratty hair, "and I know how much you hate being reminded of how you used to live. You don't need to feel embarrassed, it's a good thing. Being able to take a bath or shower shouldn't be some privilege that you're granted for... good behavior," Heero tried to keep the anger out of his tone, but some bled through.

Duo gave him a soft stare, losing some of the red in his complexion, and wrote in the notebook.

'Thank you, Heero.'

Heero smiled down at him and placed his hand briefly on his shoulder.

"You don't ever have to thank me for trying to make you feel more comfortable, Duo," he said softly.

'I don't need to,' Duo scribbled after thinking for a minute, 'I want to. It's a little thing. But you noticed it's important to me. I just want you to know how much I appreciate it, and how happy it makes me. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm so, so sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to scare you or to cause you all of this stress. I mean it, I'm very sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.'

He felt thoroughly embarrassed, writing down those things, even though they were completely honest. Oddly, it was easier telling Heero these things this way than if he had tried to speak them. He didn't stammer or stutter trying to get them out of his mouth, and he didn't have to hear his own voice, how unsure he was.

"Duo," Heero murmured, greatly affected by his words, not knowing if he was sad because Duo felt that guilt, or happy knowing that this small gesture of love and comfort meant that much to him. He turned to Name, "Mom, can you get Duo's hairbrush, hair tie, and shampoo from Quatre?"

"Of course," she said warmly and closed the door as she left, giving them some privacy.

Heero sat down in his chair.

"Duo..." he started, then sighed, unsure of what to say, "You're my best friend, I'm happy to do things for you. You know that Mom and I aren't upset at you about any of this. It isn't your fault, not that you got kidnapped, not that you got sick, and not now that you're having mental problems. Yes, I am scared, but that's only because I care about you so much. This must be scaring you, too. I wish that you would tell us what happened so we can help you, but I understand if you don't want to. We just want to help you get better. Don't worry about us. Just know that even if things go badly tomorrow, we're here for you, always."

He thought that Duo might cry for a moment, and his hand clenched the pen, but he didn't write anything, struggling to control his emotions. Duo reached over and touched Heero's hand, taking the initiative this time.

'And even for just one second, you wanted to give this up, this warmth and this love, for Wes?' the cruel voice chimed in, sounding bitter and snide.
They didn't speak to each other for some time, not really needing to, and simply enjoyed the rare moment of calm between the two of them before Name returned with what Heero had asked for, including a towel.

"Do you need anything else?" she asked Heero, who shook his head.

"Thanks, Mom."

"I'm going to sit with Quatre and Trowa, I'll be back in a bit," she turned her attention to Duo, "Do you mind if they visit when Heero's done with your hair?"

Duo shook his head. Name bent down and kissed the top of his head. The motherly gesture made his lips quirk into a soft, happy smile without him realizing it and it vanished just as quickly when she left.

"Does you back hurt when you sit up still?" Heero asked him, trying to think of the best way to do this without causing him any pain.

'Not much. Mostly stiff,' Duo wrote and proved it by sitting up straight.

True to his words, the longhaired boy moved slowly and awkwardly, but didn't wince. It was good enough for Heero. In the back of his mind, he wondered again what sort of circumstances could have caused an injury like that. It couldn't have been anything terribly serious if his back muscles were already healing, but he still puzzled over it.

Heero filled the basin on his bedside table with hot water from the nearby sink and grabbed a washcloth from the bathroom. He gestured for Duo to move up the bed a little and sat right behind him, his bent legs on either side of Duo's body. For Heero, it was a very intimate position, hinting at something he couldn't look at. It made his heart ache, feeling cold, hot, empty, and filled with longing and passion all at once. The swirl of emotions hurt him and he felt a need to touch the slim back or hips so close to him so powerful that he actually shook with it.

It wasn't the first time he had felt those desires, and it wasn't going to be the last. He had spent all of their friendship quelling his urges, both intimate and sexual, but lately it was becoming more and more difficult for him to do so. Those needs and dreams of his were becoming stronger. He hadn't thought it at all possible, but his love for his best friend was growing instead of dimming, the desires not being tossed away when he denied them, but just festering away in his heart.

Maybe it had been easier before because he hadn't known him as well, and these months living together Heero had seen more and more parts of Duo to fall in love with. Maybe it was because he had been sick and weak for so long, reminding Heero too much of a vulnerable child in, not only his physical sickness, but his emotional trauma. And lately, Duo was getting stronger, more confident. Even with Wes' return into his life, he hadn't fully slid back into that scared child. Maybe he was seeing that, and all the reasons why he had denied his feelings; not wanting to terrify Duo and take a huge support away from him, instinctually knowing that Duo was just not in the right mental state to even hear a declaration of love, to understand such a decision about it, were weakening.

But they were still there, those reasons. From the moment that he had realized that his lust for the violet eyed boy was because of a much deeper, more potent emotion, he had wondered what he should do. He ran all these different scenarios in his head, how Duo would react if he told him. Most of them weren't pretty. If Duo were just some normal teenaged boy he had met in one of his classes, the usual problems would still exist. Did Duo like boys? Did Duo like him? If he told him, and Duo didn't would they be able to maintain their friendship? If he did, would they be able to handle having an openly homosexual relationship? How would his own mother react to such news, when he knew how much she would love the idea of grandchildren, and the kind of scandal it would cause?

But Duo wasn't just a normal classmate, and his problems only made his ability to make a choice all the more twisted. It was so hard for his friend sometimes, just being around people, forcing himself to be social and act normal. There were times when he just wanted to hide away from everything. He didn't trust people very well, and he reacted to physical touch like he had just been hit by a hot poker. He was getting a lot better at it, but Heero still saw that fear in his eyes.

How could he possibly react to a romantic relationship? Emotionally, he was still a wreck, and Heero was terrified that if he told him his feelings, Duo would feel obliged to start a relationship with him solely based on their friendship and everything that he had given him. A relationship... a real, long term one, had to be one based on honesty, trust, and confidence. Heero didn't believe that Duo was ready for any of that. He was still healing from the damage Wes had done to him, to expecting to be hurt.

And how would he handle an intimate relationship? Not sex, Heero didn't even think Duo was capable of dealing with a consensually sexual relationship right now. His ideas about sex were just too twisted up, and he didn't see himself as a sexual being beyond prostitution. If Heero told him that he was sexually attracted to him, it would probably disturb him a great deal. Duo had had sex with hundreds of men, but he had absolutely no confidence in his looks or sex appeal. A part of him believed that it might do his friend some good, knowing that there was someone safe, someone he cared about, who found him beautiful. But the rest of him knew that it could also be damaging.

Not sex, but just intimacy... kissing, holding hands... how would his best friend react to those things? How could he handle them? no matter how hard he tried, how much he wanted to, he would never truly, fully understand what Duo had gone through, so how could he know the right thing to do? He had believed that he would be content to bury these feelings deep inside, just as long as Duo was near him as his friend. But lately, that had seemed like an impossible thing to do.

Heero focused on his task, trying not to think of how good it felt to have Duo sitting between his legs like this. He wasn't really worried about getting the hospital gown wet, as he was sure a nurse would be by to give him a sponge bath soon. That was something that was irritating him, and he was sure it embarrassed Duo. He was well enough to take a shower, but Stark had insisted on a sponge bath for the duration of his stay here. He understood the logic of it, that it was just too much of a hassle to supervise him, but it still irked him.

He soaked up some of the hot water with the wash cloth and dripped it on Duo's hair. The violet eyed boy shivered a little, but didn't protest it. Heero repeated the movement over and over until the longhaired was wet enough for him. The dark haired boy winced as he got a good look at Duo's hair, which was greasy and badly tangled in some places. He was glad that he was the one doing this and not some nurse that would rush through it. He was sure that Duo was anxious to go home and take a shower after his ordeal, and it pained Heero that he couldn't provide that for him.

What would happen if Duo didn't pass his psychological exam tomorrow and was admitted to psychiatrics? Would they keep him tied down like Stark was doing, with some ignorant hope that that was doing him any good? Would they let him take a shower and give him something to do besides try to get him to confess to why he was hurting himself? How long would they keep him there, and would they be allowed to see him?

Heero put the shampoo in Duo's hair, being very thorough before he washed it out with more water. Duo seemed to be enjoying the attention, his muscles relaxing as his friend massaged his scalp. Among all of the other aches and pains, all his worrying and fears, Duo hadn't realized how much his aching scalp and tangled hair had been bothering him until Heero had started to make it feel better. The blue-eyed boy quickly realized, even before he even started to tackle the problem, that combing Duo's hair was going to be a challenge simply because, unless he wrote it down on the notepad, Heero wouldn't know if he was hurting him. Duo couldn't even make a noise to indicate pain.

Sure enough, as Heero swept Duo's comb through his long fall of auburn hair, he hit a snag. The American gave no indication that it hurt other than a very slight flinch of his shoulders. It was still better than hurting the boy and not knowing it. Heero used his slight body language and the muscles in his back that he could see to gauge whether he was hurting him or not. He combed the long hair very slowly and carefully, at first just to get all of the snarls out and make sure that it would braid neatly, but after awhile Duo stopped flinching from the slight snags and began to relax, finding comfort in the combing. HE could feel Heero's fingers brush against his back every now and then, making him shiver. But they were good shivers. IT was good to feel the touch of another person like that, especially Heero's touch, after spending all that time wafting between Wes' confusing hands and almost total sensory deprivation. The Japanese boy continued to comb his hair after all of the snarls were worked out, the two of them enjoying the quiet and soothing motions. It almost felt to the both of them like they were home and all the things they had just been worrying about were ghosts and vapors.

"All done," Heero said eventually as he became aware that Stark would be back soon.

Duo shifted forward to give him room to get up, but Heero kept him where he was with a tug on the back of his gown.

"Hold on," he chuckled, "I still have to braid it."

Duo blushed a little, but eased back into his original position. HE shivered again as HEero gathered his hair and started to braid it, and his knuckles brushed against the back of his neck. The sight of deep, black bruises on that slender neck made Heero wince, the very defined and obvious shape of fingers, and the force that they must have used to leave those marks there. HE got to the end of his hair and dug a ribbon out of his pocket. Duo saw in complete shock that it was Yuki's, the same ribbon that he had stashed instinctually in his pocket in his mad rush out of the apartment. The same ribbon that, when he had woken up in the hospital gown, he had assumed had been thrown away.

"Mom told Stark to give us the clothes you were wearing when you were admitted," Heero explained when he saw how startled his friend was, "Your clothes... they were ruined, we had to throw them out, I'm sorry. But this ribbon was fine once we cleaned it. I don't know what it means, but you've been wearing it every day for months, so I figured it was something important to you. Even if it wasn't, it's your property, I would never let them throw it away when it could be salvaged."

Duo grabbed Heero's wrist, his eyes wide and intense, wet with overwhelmed tears.

"You're welcome," Heero said softly.

His longhaired friend wrapped his arms around him, ignoring the way his back ached and throbbed from twisting around, and hugged Heero tightly. HE cried harshly into Heero's shirt, overwhelmed to have the only thing he had from Yuki left, and love for HEero, that he would notice how important it was and try to save it for him. HEero could only tell that he was crying badly from how his shoulders were violently trembling and the wetness on his shirt. He hugged the other boy tightly and rubbed his back.

"Duo," he murmured, "It's ok."

The brunette lifted his head off of HEero's chest and he rummaged through the bed sheets for his notepad and pen, careful not to snag his IV lines which were already tight from his twisting around. HE felt rushed, wanting to write down the words in his head before he lost his courage, as he so often did.

'If I got admitted to the psych ward tomorrow, and I have to be strapped down the whole time I'm there, as long as I can see you, I don't care,' he wrote, still in HEero's embrace and still crying soundlessly, his heart racing from the feelings behind those written words, feeling he would have been deprived of had he allowed Wes to talk him into staying with him. Feeling that made him fully realize just how stupid he had been, having those doubts, 'I'm just so happy to be back.'

Heero's heart skipped a beat, seeing those words, and the conviction in Duo's eyes. He pressed their foreheads together and felt his heart beat again, heavier and faster. His friend smelled good, like his own shampoo instead of the hospital's and his wet bangs were like silk. Their lips were so close, it made HEero feel hot all over his body. Duo's eyes slid closed, as though he wanted it to happen, although it was more likely that he just wasn't aware of what was happening. It would be easy, Heero realized, and if they had been just two normal boys, it would be natural. His heart thundered with the possibility of it, of what he might do, that small, infitessimal distance between their lips that normally seemed like a chasm to him.

Someone knocked on the door. Heero flinched and backed away from Duo as though the boy had just brutally slapped him, his eyes wide and his face pale. What had he almost done-

Duo's reaction was much less severe. He opened his eyes and looked at his friend with complete ignorance and innocence about the fact that Heero had just come very, very close to kissing him.

What the hell had he been thinking, Heero asked himself. The l longhaired boy's obliviousness sent shocks of guilt and horror through him. What was wrong with him? Why had this come over him so strongly when he knew better?

"C-come in," he rasped and was glad for the interruption, busying himself with tying the ribbon around Duo's hair.

"Well, don't you look nice and clean?" Name beamed at Duo when she walked in with Quatre and Trowa in tow.

Duo seemed like his usual self when he saw his mom and friends, smiling at them like nothing was wrong. Trowa saw the underlying tension behind that smile. His happiness was completely genuine, but his friend was trying very hard to keep all of his other emotions from rising to the surface. It wasn't going to work, and Trowa knew Duo well enough to know that he knew that, too. But trying to make him admit what was wrong wasn't going to work, they would all have to be patient.

"How are you feeling?" Quatre asked Duo as Heero got off the bed, taking the wet towel with him, and placing Duo's hair brush and shampoo on the bed side table.

'Better,' he wrote and then looked at Name questioningly.

"They know," Name told him softly, "I told them everything."

Duo's expression fell a little. He knew that his other friends would have found out about his... mental episode sooner or later, but it still made his stomach feel like a deep, empty pit.

"Hey," Trowa touched Duos shoulder, "Let us worry about that. Your only job is to relax. It's not going to do any good if you get sicker from stress."

Duo nodded a little bit hesitantly. Trowa picked up his notepad and flipped through it.

"There's not a whole lot of room left on this thing," he noted.

The chestnut haired boy blushed lightly and nodded, wondering if that nurse would let him have another one.

"See?" Quatre gloated to Trowa, who rolled his eyes at him.

The blonde dug around in the messenger bag he was carrying and brought out a rectangular device.

"Instead of that stupid notepad, you can use this," his Arabic friend handed Duo the device.

It was a handheld computer, about the size of a book, a flat screen with no keys or buttons and looked like spun glass, but was obviously sturdier. Duo recognized it and huffed, looking at Trowa to give him back the notepad. The Italian raised an eyebrow at him and didn't budge.

"You don't have to fuss with it," Quatre told him, ignorant to Duo's irritation, or he was just ignoring him, which was more likely, "I re-programmed it so you don't have to look for the document or keypad icons. Just tap the screen once and it will pull up the keyboard. You can type out whole paragraphs, just hit enter when you're done and it will display it on the screen. And if you get bored, I also downloaded some books and movies for you," he smiled, looking as sunny as his hair did.

Duo gave Trowa a glare at keeping the pad of paper from him, and tried out the computer, tapping the screen and typing out what he would have written on the paper with ease.

'This is yours, isn't it?'

He had recognized it as the computer Quatre used when he was chatting with Iria or keeping tabs on the local news where his father was.

"I would have bought you one, but there wasn't enough time," Quatre said sheepishly, "I would want you to pick one out yourself."

Duo shook his head incredulously. His fingers flew over the screen gracefully. As annoyed as he was that Quatre had done this, he was typing three times faster than he could ever hope to write, and he had to admit that this was much less frustrating than using pen and paper.

'You didn't need to do this. This is yours, I can't take it. I don�t' need something this expensive. Paper and pen is fine. And I'm sure the hospital has books.'

"Does your hand hurt?" Quatre asked him, crossing his arms over his chest in a very serious gesture.

Duo hesitated. It was true that his right hand did ache from writing on the pad, but that wasn't a big deal, it was mostly because his infections were giving him muscle aches, so his hand cramped very easily from holding the pen.

'Yes, a little,' he admitted.

"It isn't a big deal," Quatre said in a friendlier tone, "Yes, you can manage without it, and so can I. That isn't what this is about. You can't speak, and we don't know why. We don't know how to fix it or when you'll get your voice back. We also don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, how long they're going to force you to stay here. I know how you get when you have nothing to do, and how quickly you'll go through those cheap paperbacks. I also know how much writing the things you want to tell us down has been frustrating you. It's too slow and your brain is too fast. This will help," his aqua eyes became soft with some strong emotion; sadness, frustration, relief, affection, and desperation all rolled into one, "Please, Duo," he whispered, "Please let me do this for you."

Duo read in those clear eyes what Quatre really meant, 'I was so scared I would never see you again, I missed you so much.'

HE remembered what Heero had told him once, that when Quatre bought him expensive things or bent over backwards to give him things, wasn't trying to get him to owe him things, or gloat that he had the money to buy stuff like that. It was his way of showing how much he loved him. It was the same way that his father showed his love and Quatre couldn't shake the habit. If he got worked up about it, or demanded that Quatre take it back, it would only hurt him.

He nodded.

'Thank you, Quatre.'

The short blonde looked so relieved, Duo knew that he had made the right choice, even if holding the piece of expensive technology still made him feel incredibly nervous.

"So, any grand escape plans for tomorrow?" Trowa asked him, only half joking, "Just say the word and we'll bust you out."

Duo laughed at the absurd image in his head of Trowa, Quatre, and Heero kidnapping him out of the hospital wearing ski masks. The sight of him laughing silently was chilling to the rest of them.

'Nah, I think I'll stick it out.'

"That's very brave of you," Name said softly.

Duo suddenly understood as he met her intense stare that the three of them had talked about this when Heero had been washing his hair. They were actually considering the possibility of breaking him out of the psych ward, if he wanted them to. It made him feel warm inside, realizing the extent they would go through for him.

A nurse bustled in, interrupting the suddenly very serious air of the room. Duo saw the implements she had with her and wished that he could groan. He hated sponge baths. Yes, he hated being dirty and sick even more, but they were so humiliating. He was well enough to clean himself, and he hated feeling that apathetic. The nurse shot him a sympathetic look.

"We'll give you some privacy," Name said and ushered Quatre and Trowa back out.

"Do you mind if I help?" Heero asked the nurse, staying behind, "I've done it before."

"Sure," the nurse beamed at him.

'Heero,' Duo started to type on the pad, but Heero lightly grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Don't," he scolded, "It will go faster."

Duo sighed inaudibly and let Heero take the computer from him and place it on the table. He stayed still as the nurse took his damp gown from him. As Heero started to wash his back with an extra sponge, he flushed so red that his blue-eyed friend thought he might turn purple. Heero found it completely adorable and flushed a little himself at the sight of his friend's slender, bareback. He was extra careful as he washed over dark bruises, but they looked like they were fading. With Heero helping, the chore really did go faster, and Duo was relieved when the nurse helped him into a clean gown.

'When can I wear my own clothes?' he typed on the pad and showed it to her.

"As soon as Dr. Stark released you tomorrow morning," she smiled at him.

'Will I have to wear a gown if I get admitted to the psych ward.'

"No, you'll be allowed your own clothes. Our psychiatric ward is very lax with allowing patients personal items, as long as they can't hurt themselves, or others," she told him and when Duo had nothing more to ask, pushed her cart out of the room.

Duo frowned at her answer. As long as they can't hurt themselves or others... did that mean that the psychiatrist might decide he couldn't be allowed things like books or visits from his friends, or treat him like some crazy serial killer? Although, maybe it was warranted, he thought and felt his leg throb.

Name, Quatre, and Trowa came back shortly after the nurse left, making Duo wonder if they had just been camped out the door or something. Heero saw the strain in his friend's face and knew that he was worrying about tomorrow. his mother and two friends saw it, too, and they spoke to him about things that he wouldn't need to respond to, mundane things that Duo warmed up to, though Heero couldn't tell if he was really interested or desperate for a distraction.

Quatre and Trowa enlightened both Duo and Heero on their last days of school, staying far away from their anxiety and being handed hounded by Treize about Duo's vanishing act. Heero and Name told him about their trip to London, again steering clear from Trowa's phone call and their mad rush back to the states. Duo seemed particularly enthralled and engaged in what had happened between them, and Heero�s grandfather and uncle, and seemed very relieved when nothing bad had happened.

Stark came by shortly after to make sure that Duo was strapped down. Name hated it, since she didn�t plan on leaving him alone again, but knew that it was safer for him that way.

"I will be by at eight am tomorrow to take the last of your IV's out," Stark informed Duo, "the psychiatrist will be here at nine."

Duo nodded, his only way of communicating at that point, and the doctor left.

"Want to take a nap?" Name asked the boy softly and Duo nodded again.

He was feeling better, thanks to the medication and strong antibiotics, but he still got tired very easily and felt a bit winded.

"We'll head home then," Trowa said, "We need to feed the cats anyway."

Duo gave him a searching look and Trowa chuckled.

"They're fine, they just miss you."

The younger boy relaxed. He felt guilty that he hadn't been around to take care of them himself, and felt a pang to see them.

Quatre kissed him on the forehead while Trowa just touched his shoulder.

"We'll be back at seven tomorrow morning," the green eyed boy told him, "We'll both be there for you, no matter what happens."

Duo nodded, feeling his eyes tear up, both in sudden fear and relief. Trowa pretended he didn't see his unshed tears, and Duo was grateful.

They all settled once Quatre and Trowa left, the two of them watching over Duo a familiar thing for the three of them. Name dimmed the lights and sat back down with her ereader. Heero had a book of his own, a hard cover, one of Duo's since his friend liked the paper better. But he wasn�t really reading it. He was using it as a prop to hide the fact that he was watching Duo very closely. It didn't take long for the fifteen year old to fall asleep. His breathing evened out and his heart rate decreased to a steady sedate beat. Heero studied him, waiting for any changes. The last two times Duo had lashed out at himself, he hadn't been there, or he had been asleep. He needed to know.

An hour after Duo nodded off, Name put her book aside and closed her eyes for a nap, too, although the hair wasn't that comfortable. Every minute that passed without a change, Heero felt a surge of relief, wanting to believe that the worst was behind them, even if he knew better.

Three hours passed and Heero had put the book away, no longer needing the illusion. He had to struggle to not let himself drown in watching Duo's sleeping face. He never got to watch him like this, still and at peace, and it was incredibly hard not to indulge in it, or fall asleep from the silence. Heero snapped out of his almost doze by the sound of Duo's heart monitor, the escalating beats out of place in the quiet stillness. The sound didn't wake up his mother, and wasn't so fast that it was sending an alarm, but definitely faster than a heart at rest should be beating. Duo's whole body seemed to tense, his hands curling into fists.

Heero expected for him to have some sort of violent reaction, to thrash around and try to hurt himself again, but Duo did little more than squirm around uncomfortably in his restraints, struggle with some restless nightmare. Heero watched in alarm as tears tracked down his best friend's face. He got to his feet, ready to wake him up and soothe whatever terrible thing he was dreaming about, but Duo's lips moved and he stilled. Jus as always, the longhaired boy made no noise; but his lips continued to move saying something that Heero couldn't understand. He watched him for a minute before he realized that the younger boy was saying the same two words over and over.

'I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry...'
*****
Heero was relieved to find that, despite all the movies and books depicting otherwise, the psychiatrist diagnosing Duo wasn't the clinical, off-putting ice queen that he had assumed she would be. She was middle aged, a little bit older than his mother, with short black hair that was just beginning to gray, and clear blue-grey eyes. The psychiatrist, Doctor Stephenson, was very blunt when she briefly spoke to Name and HEero, but also kind and understanding of all of their concerns. She didn't answer many of their questions, partially out of respect for Duo's privacy and partially because she didn't have any answers until she spoke to her patient. She more or less pushed them out of the hospital room so she could conduct her interview in private.

"I hate this," Heero muttered as the two of them stood in the hallway.

He was feeling helpless again, desperately looking for the right thing to do or say and failing. His mother squeezed his hand.

"It will be ok, Heero," Name assured him, "This is to help him, you know that."

"Then why do I feel like we're punishing him?"

Name went silent, because she wondered the same thing. The doctor didn't come back out for an hour, longer than they had thought it would take. They were close enough to the room, and HEero found the single sound of the doctor's voice carrying on the verbal half of the conversation to be unnerving. When she finally left the room, her face was pinched and strained.

"Mrs. Yuy, may I speak with you in private?"

"Of course," Name said and the two of them walked further down the hallway where Heero would be unable to hear them.

In the hospital room, Duo was sitting on the edge of the bed, fiddling with Quatre's handheld computer. Stark had unstrapped him when he had removed his IVs earlier, and he was dressed in his own clothes, which went a long way in making him look less vulnerable. They had let him dress himself, knowing how helpless he felt when he was in the hospital, and there really wasn't any reason to baby him. He looked so lonely sitting there by himself, that worn look on his face, so small and childlike. He looked up as Heero walked to him and gave him a wan, unhappy smile.

"How did it go?" Heero asked him. Duo typed.

'Bad.'

The Japanese boy winced, well aware of what that meant.

'I'm going to lose him-'

He promptly squashed that terrified voice. He wasn't losing Duo. He was just very sick, and in order to get help, he couldn�t go home with them. Heero looked at his best friend as though he was never going to see them again. He looked so pale still, his violet eyes looking down, distracted with deep thoughts. The longhaired boy was trying very hard to keep it together, and HEero admired his strength, but he could see his underlying fear and uncertainty. He realized how selfish he was being, worried about what the following days were going to be like. Getting through summer vacation without seeing Duo, without being able to talk to him, to hear the sound of his voice or see those pretty violet eyes looking up at him. But this was happening to Duo, not him. While he had to go through his days without his best friend, Duo was going to be locked up in this place, not at home with them. His own fears didn't matter.

Heero reached over and took Duo�s and in his, incredibly happy to do so now that the long haired boy wasn't restrained or lying in a hospitable bed. Duo's hand felt warmer than it had before. Duo looked up at him, his eyes wide and nervous, but the raw fear and almost animalistic look was gone from them. now that he wasn't in the hospital as a patient, the straps and IV lines long gone, and wearing his normal clothing he looked a lot stronger and seemed to have found some sort of footing. Even though all of the pain and hardships that Duo had faced, he still had that beautiful, inner strength and perseverance that he had no concept of possessing and had drawn Heero to him. Heero suddenly had a very strong belief and faith that his best friend would get through this, just like everything else.

"It will be ok," he tried to assure Duo, "We'll be here for you, no matter what, you know that. You only have to tell her or do the things you're comfortable with. Don't push yourself just to try to get out of here faster. You know that isn't what this is about."

Duo nodded. He knew that this wasn't like being locked up in the closet. It wasn't about trying to get out. This was for his benefit, he was supposed to use this time to get better while being in an environment where he couldn't hurt himself anymore. Name and Heero weren't abandoning him in some pound like how he had feared during his first hospital visit with them. They would be there, waiting for him when he got out. They would wait, because they loved him, and wasn't that a lovely, if strange feeling. But could he really get better from this? He kept waiting for his sanity to snap, to finally hit that wall he had been getting dangerously closer and closer to all of these years. To finally hit the point of no return. He almost had when Wes had chained him up to his bed, but Heero and Name had saved his life, right when it had really mattered. But cold he come back from this? could he find the ability to speak or stop hurting himself when he was too terrified to look at the reasons why his mind had cracked?

He squeezed Heero's hand back.

'I'll try,' he typed.

It was the most that he could promise without lying.
*****
Name found Dr. Stephenson's straightforward and blunt manner to be very refreshing, and welcome given the circumstances. She was honest, not avoiding any answers that Name might not want to hear while lacking the rudeness that Stark always had.

"Duo is a very bright boy. I didn't get to speak with him for as long as I would have liked to, but I could tell that he loves you and your family very much, "Stephenson summed up her meeting with Name's charge, "Can you tell me a little bit about how he became a part of your lives?"

"Does your patient-doctor confidentiality policies extend to this?" Name asked defensively.

"My sole agenda is whatever is in Duo's best interests," the therapist told her, "as long as whatever you have to tell me does not violate that, I will hold it in confidence."

"My son befriended Duo shortly after we moved here this fall," Name confessed, "A few months later, shortly after their winter break, Duo was admitted to this hospital with severe injuries and evidence of neglect. The man that had raised him had been physically and sexually abusing him. He never came for him while he was here and Duo has no family, so I acted as his guardian so he could receive proper medical treatment. He went through a lot of hardships because of what that man did to him and it didn't feel right to me to just hand him over to child's services, so I brought him home with us. He's been a part of our family ever since."

As Name talked, Stephenson jotted down notes in Duo's file.

"That's very noble of you," she said when the other woman was done speaking, "I'm sure those actions went a long way in helping heal from those abuses and gain some confidence. From what I've seen, his placement with you seems to be a very good fit. Normally, I would be very happy to let him go home with you and schedule home visits for his therapy or have him meet me at my office. But in these circumstances..."

"The self-injury," Name sighed.

"Actually, what concerns me the most is his level of stress and acute muteness," the psychiatrist said, her brow furrowed, Name greatly surprised at the confession, "His tendency to injure himself when unconscious is alarming, but its actually very common for children around Duo's age to turn to self mutilation or hitting when faced with a great measure of guilt or trauma."

"You think that Duo feels guilty about something, that that's the reason he keeps hurting himself."

"Duo looks up to you," Stephenson pointed out, "He wants to make you proud, that much is obvious, and it isn't a rare thing among children who have been abused. I think he's trying to hide something from you, something that he believes will make you ashamed of him. His muteness is a recent problem, so I think it must involve something that happened during his kidnapping. He wants to tell you very badly, but is scared. I think that his muteness and self-injury both stem from this guilt he's harboring. Whatever it is, it was so strong, so traumatic that he can't speak, it's actually affecting him physically and not just psychologically. He doesn't even have any control over it. That is much more disturbing than his nightly attacks. I don't think that it's just going to go away with time. And I think that send him home is only going to be more damaging to him."

"What does that mean?" Name asked, bewildered.

"I'm sure you've realized it yourself. Like I said, Duo wants you to be proud of him. He doesn't want any of you to be worried or hurt by what happened. He's trying so hard to pretend that things are ok, he's being hypersensitive to you and Heero and ignored his own problems. It's spreading him thin and making even more anxious, possibly because of his fear of you finding out his secret."

"Are you saying that you want to isolate Duo from us?" the Japanese woman asked, unable to keep the fear out of her tone, fear of not being allowed to see her child, and fear of all the stress Duo was in.

"No, of course not," the doctor soothed, "Total separation from his family is not the answer either. You and your son are obviously a pillar of strength for Duo. It would be careless, and dangerous, of me to take that pillar away entirely. Your presence would greatly help him remember why he wants to get better. Without it, he wouldn't try so hard or, worst case scenario, he might stop trying altogether. I am merely suggesting that his time here could be a very good thing for Duo, a neutral place for him to have peace and quiet, away from outside forces that might cause him more stress. You, your son, and any of Duos friends that he wants to visit him can, I just can't allow anyone to stay by him like you have been. Even if it scares Duo to be a part from you, it will be beneficial to him to stand by himself."

"Doctor, with all due respect, I'm sure that Doctor Stark informed you about Duo's fears concerning being restrained and trapped. I have a hard time considering him being locked up in a mental institution to be a good thing for him, or a place to help relieve his stress," Name said, trying her hardest not to sound condescending.

Stephenson chuckled.

"Yes, Stark did inform me that Duo has some pretty extreme panic attacks if he thinks he is locked up or tied down. But the facility that this hospital runs is not like the zoos you would see in movies or television. The ward that Duo will be transferred to has little in the way of locked doors or bars. We won't be shoving medication down his throat or forcing him into some sort of solitary confinement. Duo will be allowed to go anywhere in the ward that he wishes and the only time his door will be mandatory locked is at night, but that is only because of his recent sleeping behavior."

"I'm confused," Name confessed, "You said that you decided that Duo is a threat to himself."

"He is," Stephenson confirmed, "Which is why our staff will be monitoring him closely in case he tries to harm himself during the daytime, at least until we are sure we can better predict these... fits of his. But so far as Stark could tell me, Duo only manifests this tendency towards self-harm when he is unconscious. I'm not concerned that he will hurt himself constantly like some of my other patients do. He isn't a danger to others, so there is no reason for me to restrict his movements. I want to give him as many freedoms as I can."

"I appreciate that," Name said, "Will we be able to leave some books and other personal things for him, then?"

Stephenson nodded.

"I'll give you a list of pre-approved items. There are of course some things he won't be allowed because of policy, but as long as it isn't something that he or another patient can use to hurt themselves, I have no problems bending the rules. On that note, is that handheld computer the only method that Duo has to communicate?"

"Yes," Name informed her, "We tried paper and pen before, but it was very frustrating for him. His muscles are still hurting him and his mind is a lot faster than his writing hand. He learned how to write later than most children, so he struggles with it sometimes."

She didn't like revealing such personal details about Duo's sordid childhood to the doctor, but she had to make her understand the consequences if she denied Duo that vital tool to help him communicate.

"Usually, we wouldn't allow something like that into the ward. On the surface, it isn't that dangerous, but it would be far too easy for another patient to break it and use one of the shards as a weapon, or it would probably be stolen given how high priced electrical devices aren't allowed. But I agree that it is much more convenient and less stressful for Duo than using a pad of paper. The bottom line," Stephenson said very seriously, "is that I cannot treat Duo if he can't communicate with me. I'll allow him to have it with him, but if it causes any trouble, I will have to confiscate it."

Name breathed in relief.

"I understand," she agreed, just happy to have won that one concession.

"Do you have any other questions for me? Otherwise, I just have a couple of forms for you to sign, then I can have Duo transferred."

"Just one," Name said gravely, "I need to know how secure your ward is."

"Secure?" Stephenson asked, confused.

"Yes. I never mentioned it to Stark, but that is only because I felt that Duo's... guardian would not try anything if I was supervising him personally. If Duo is going to be separated from me, regardless if you are supervising him and this is a hospital, I need to know if you are capable of protecting him if that man shows up for him again."

"You really think that his abuser will risk getting caught by trying to kidnap him from a facility like this one?" Stephenson asked and Name was relieved that she sounded more alarmed and scared than incredulous and confused, she might actually take this seriously, "We aren't a fortress, but there are security cameras and panic buttons in every room. You would have to be crazy to try to kidnap one of our patients."

"On a school trip with a bunch of their friends, Duo and Heero were abducted by one of that man's... associates and left for dead. This summer, Duo's ex-guardian attacked him at his job and shot him in the shoulder in front of his friends just to prove a point. And this last time, he kidnapped Duo from a public street in broad daylight. Crazy doesn't begin to cover it. This man is armed, more stubborn than a mule, and a clinical sociopath. Duo somehow got away from him, and I have no reason to believe that he isn't going to try to kidnap him again."

It could have been the lighting, but Stephenson looked pale.

"This is just a small institution," the doctor said in a very subdued, somber tone, "and there generally isn't a large need for security measures at mental health institutions, since we do not take in high risk patients; murderers or serial criminals. But the ward is exclusively a children's word, there is no one housed there over the age of sixteen. Most of our patients come from broken homes and are victims of abuse, or have severe emotional issues that makes it necessary for us to deny visitations from parents or other family members. But many of these parents think that it is within their rights to show up out of the blue and try to see or discharge their child, so it has become necessary for us to install security measures for our patients' physical and mental health. In order to enter the ward, you have to pass by the check-in desk, there is literally no other way in or out. We always have four employees at the desk, twenty four hours a day, and while each are in the same uniforms our orderlies wear, they are actually security personnel. Each is equipped with tear gas guns, pepper spray, tazers, and stun batons. And every visitor is under surveillance. No one can see any of our patients without their consent. If someone shows up for them, the patient will view the surveillance and either consent or decline the visit. This way they don't have to come face to face with anyone they don't wish to see or feel pressured by an abuser.

Name nodded in approval of the safety measures. It was a smart system, giving the patients in Stephenson's care the one thing that had been stripped away from them by their abusers, the one thing that they desperately needed to heal; control over their own lives, some say and power over what happened to them, even if it was just over who visited them.

Wes might come for Duo himself, and, once turned away, might try to get past the guards forcefully, but it was even more likely that he would try to trick Duo or the staff, that he would use someone innocuous to scope out for weaknesses or try something else insidious, but Duo was one, if not the only person who might recognize one of Wes' agents, so this system of surveillance was a very good measure. Like any abused child, Wes or one of his men might be able to pressure or subtly threaten him if they met face to face, but if Duo felt safe, face to face with a monitor instead of a monster, that would be less likely.

The system wasn't full proof, not against Wes' tenacity and resources, but it was a better start than she had been expecting. The security guards weren't police officers, but that would actually work in her favor. she could easily investigate each of them without raising any unnecessary ref flags. The firs thing she was going to do was pull their financial records and see if any of them had any odd, large sum deposits or other suspicious activity. She didn't think that even Wes was paranoid enough to have foreseen this and gotten some of the staff in his pocket, but it didn't hurt to be paranoid herself. She couldn't risk that Wes had, or would in the future, pay the guards or orderlies to spy for him, or take more forward measures.

While all she wanted was for Duo to be completely safe, a part of her desperately wished that the bastard would make a move. She hoped that he would show up here himself to try to get Duo back like he had at Duo's job. This time she would be ready for him. In the attempt to try to get surveillance and take hits out on the man, she had lost some very vital contacts, but she hadn't exhausted all of her resources quite yet. She would create her own web of surveillance around the place, so not a single soul could come or go from here without her knowing. She wasn't taking any chances this time. What she needed to protect was too precious.
End Part 17
　
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The Road to Kindness