Unity

Title: Unity
Author: Zimmerie Kanoah
Warnings: Unbeta-ed! Its in third person P.O.V. but the chapter is about Quatre…. I’ve been writing in 3rd person now for awhile and I forgot to have in Quat’s P.O.V. So… yeah I hope it doesn’t bother to many people. I’ll probably finish out the story in 3rd person…maybe… Language, abuse, voices, past remembrance, self abuse, blood, reference to a threesome between men, and a sappy reunion.
Genre: Angst!!!!
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or anything associated to that show. Please do not steal this idea. I am simply writing this story for the enjoyment of doing it and the enjoyment of others when they read. I am by no means making any kind of money.
Author Note: OMG I finally updated! What has it been? A year? Well here you guys are. You're now one step closer to the finish line. Sorry about the long wait!

Chapter Five
Tattered & Torn I Turn To Thee


Quatre wobbled out of the whore house, blood spattered up his sleeves, front and back side of his pale rose pink shirt, his face already starting to bruise where he had asked to be bitched slapped several times that night. His platinum blonde hair in a disarray, his facial hair shaggy and prickly from not being shaved. He sighed looking around for some indication of time, but it was moot, he’d never know until he got home seeing as each section of the colony had it’s own separate clock. Each taking turns on who slept and who kept the place going.

He fumbled with his car keys as he tried to unlock his door to drive home. Ha, he thought with a derisive snort, there was no such place. Just an empty cavern where people lived their day to day lives, and for what? He slid into his car and turned on the engine easily as his thoughts became darker with each passing moment outside of the pain he had had inflicted upon him for the last… how many days? He didn’t know, he never knew.

Slamming the car door he ripped out of the parking lot and down the street just as the colony sensors decided it was time for a shower in the sector he was currently in. Great, lets just add to the depression you fucking colony. Quatre grumbled to himself, should have fucking blown you sky high when I had the chance. Ah yes, destroy everything Qautre, be the monster you are and destroy everything that exists like some kind of lunatic.

Quatre’s foot pushed down further on the gas petal affectively speeding up. I pay my dues he yelled at himself tears beginning to form like small pools in his eyes. Really, he countered, does giving your body over to unknown men and woman make up for the thousands of lives you silenced with one simple double beam cannon shot? Shut up he yelled back trying to over speak himself. Does screaming out beat me and getting whipped over and over again rectify the almost loss of your first bed lover? He doesn’t even stand near enough for you to brush his arm.

His hands tightened on the steering wheel and he veered hard right to make the turn he’d almost missed his eyes blurry with tears. He was sobbing with the hate he felt for himself and everyone else around him. So ignorant of the true happenings going on in the world, acting as if the wars had never happened, as if no lives had been lost. Then when it had ended they all tried to pin the blame on them! They deserved what he had done he argued, but on the other hand feeling the way he did only made him just as bad as OZ had been. No he already was as bad as them the moment he let go of sanity and built his knew gundam and the double beam cannon.

Better yet why not admit the real reason why you originally joined the war. It was to save people, it had never truly been about obtaining peace Quatre. You knew it would piss you dad off, you wanted to rebel against everything you knew because you felt you were old enough, mature enough to do as you pleased. Never mind the people you hurt in the process.

Shut the hell up, he argued speeding up further. You don’t know what you’re talking about, you don’t know anything! I wanted peace, I wanted people to stop hurting, and I took it upon myself to do just that. I knew you couldn’t obtain peace unless you fought for, Father never understood. I was never good enough for him, I was always wrong my opinion and feelings never mattered to him. I barely mattered to him!

Yes of coarse you didn’t, that’s why he gave his life for you that day even said he was proud of you. What a laugh Quatre, I don’t know you I am fucking you! You’re living your life just like them don’t you see. You’ve moved on as if the war hadn’t happened. What about all those people you killed all the lives you destroyed as if they were nothing, meant nothing. I know you can hear their cries for vengeance, I know you can hear them crying out for life, the life you took so carelessly.

NO! Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP! With that Quatre came to a slamming halt inside his estate walls and jumped out of his car. Running away from the voices he could hear. He could feel hands all over him, trying to pull him into the darkness, into the grave. They all tried to live through him, calling him such names, making him relive their painful deaths over and over again. He could see each and every face, their eyes, their families, their houses burning because he had decided to get rid of everything as if none of it had had value at all.

He fell to his knees in the wet grass and began clawing at his clothes, his skin. Pulling at his hair and his face. He dropped down to his elbows and dug into the wet earth with his hands sobbing for them to stop, to leave him alone. Screaming into the ground he hadn’t meant to do what he’d done, and how sorry he was for it. He picked up the mud and spread it on his face , smeared it into his hair and clothes calling to himself over and over again filthy, filthy, filthy until the world went black.

Quatre woke the next afternoon to the ringing of the vid phone, clean, and in his fluffy bed. He sighed it was obvious that once again Rashid had found him and taken care of him. Sitting up slowly as the pain of the pervious days and nights lanced through his body he glanced down to see he was also bandaged. Grabbing his robe off the bed and sliding it on he made his way over to the phone and answered it.

“Yes Trowa?” He asked less than enthusiastically.

“Qautre,” There was a pause. “What the hell happened to your face?”

“It doesn’t rightly matter Trowa now why did you call?” He answered leaning his cheek into his palm and looking bored.

There was another pause, and what looked to be concern before Trowa let it go. “I just called to see if you have any leads?”

“No. You?”

“No. I try over and over to decipher Duo’s last conversation with me but I’m still coming up with nothing. Have you thought any more about it?”

Had he? Well of coarse he had, like a million and one times by now. He even tried to use his space heart and all that did was leave him open for attack by all the fucking dead people. Jesus Trowa don’t you think I would have told you if I’d figured anything out he thought to himself.

“Yes Trowa I have.” He answered rather calmly despite his annoyance.

“Still nothing?”
“Nothing Trowa.”

“Damn it.” There was another pause. “Have you felt anything from them?”

Yes Trowa and I have fucking kept it from you just because I’m a sadistic bastard who loves to watch you suffer alone over there Quatre thought, but answered. “No. I haven’t felt anything from any of them sense they dropped off the face of the known universe.”

“I’ve been thinking, maybe if you went from country to country and colony to colony you could get a reading on them.”

Yes, yes he was just going to go on out there and leave himself open for further attack by more dead people. Lets just add to the pain and regret I feel on a day to day basis Quatre grumbled to himself. Trowa would just never understand how his space heart worked.

“Trowa it doesn’t work like that.” He replied.

“Well do you know that for sure?” Trowa pressed.

“Look Trowa maybe it would if it didn’t feel like they had died! It’s not like they’re out of range or anything , they were painfully and forcefully removed from my presence. It felt as if a part of me died with each and every one of them leaving to where ever it is they went.”

“I…” Trowa faltered.

“What was it they each said as a clue? Heero’s was a place of peace, Wufei’s was a home, and Duo’s was a Safe Haven? Let us not forget you’re not even sure that that’s the clue Duo left you. It was just the last thing he said to you. “Kinda like a safe haven…” and then he trailed off.” Quatre continued on.

“Well yeah but…”

“Look stop calling me okay? If I get anything I’ll let you know. I don’t understand why you don’t trust that I would call you if I found anything out. What the hell kind of friend would do that?” With that said he hung up the phone.


Getting up from his seat he walked towards his closet and opened it up going over in his mind the clues that had been left behind for each of them to follow. Yet why leave clues? Why not just tell them where they were going? Maybe if he could figure that out he could find them.

Pulling out a light blue sweater and a pair of dark blue jeans he tossed them onto the bed before opening a sock drawer. There had to be a reason why Heero wouldn’t just say it out loud? He was worried he’d be over heard, but that shouldn’t have mattered it had just been them. If that was the case he feared his own comrades, he had only trusted Wufei. Why only Wufei then? Well the only logical thing to that was only Wufei would understand what he was saying, only Wufei would have been ready to except what Heero had to say.

So that meant they had shared something in common for Wufei to understand, he thought as he pulled the jeans up onto his slim waist. So the place of peace would recall an image or…place? … to Wufei and he would just know. That still didn’t totally explain why he would tell only Wufei though, he could have said that to any of them and Quatre was sure that they all had this… thing … in common.

He paused momentarily in his meanderings of the mind to pull the sweater over his head conscious of his newly acquired wounds. Stepping over to his mirror he picked up a brush and a hair tie and the hair off the back of his neck into a small pony tail. Walking away towards his door he continued on his trian of thought.

So Wufei then relays to Duo “I’m going home, bye.” as if Duo will be totally okay with this. As if Duo will know, understand, and then follow. Which means Heero’s message to Wufei had had more to it than just a reference to a place. There had also been the instructions to leave something behind for the next person, and I’ll see you soon.

Quatre trotted down the stairs heading to the kitchen towards the right in search of a quick bite to eat, feeling as though he was so close to breaking the code.

Okay so a place of peace to Heero is somewhere that he can go and let go of everything everyone expects, no more responsibility, blood or pain. Heero had to get away because he could no longer be the perfect soldier he was just to tired needed to retire. To Wufei a place like that would be a house where there is family, the five of them were like family, and a family is where the home is. So I’m going home, kay that makes sense. By saying I’m going home he’s saying I’ll see you there.

Then for Duo a home would be a safe haven, family, friends, love and acceptance. It doesn’t mattered who you are to you’re family doesn’t mattered what you’ve done because they are the ones you come home to, they’re you safety. Safe haven, makes perfect sense.

But Trowa wouldn’t understand a Safe Haven, Trowa had never had anything like that in his life. He had always been around destruction , so many unknown people, no one to be confide in or be yourself with. Always having to where a mask, never able to be free. Which meant the message was for him. Duo hadn’t had to call him up or leave a note because he’d known that Trowa was going to tell him exactly what he had said.

So now the question was, What was a safe haven to him? What did that mean to him? What feelings and thoughts were conjured up when that phrase was uttered? Sitting down after rummaging through the frig he bit into the pre-made egg salad sandwich and opened the can of orange soda. Humming to himself as he tried to figure out the clue Duo had left for him.

A safe haven was them for him. He was just a shell without the rest of the group. He had no walls to protect him from everything else, without them by his side, within his heart. Without them he was weak and scared. They protected him, kept him safe from all the voices, they kept him safe from himself. Heero had stopped him from going after Trowa, Trowa had stopped him from continuing his rampage, Trowa had even saved him from his solitude.

Duo, well Duo had saved him from the voices inside, all the faces vanished when he could feel the other pilot near. Duo brought him back the song of life, but even then he would have never been able to know what to do with that life if Wufei hadn’t given him strength. Wufei was his fire, his example to live he was the voice of reason and fight. Quatre just didn’t feel the need the will to go on with out feeling Wufei’s fiery soul burning inside his space heart.

When Heero had left he had felt like his protection had left, it had made him uneasy, even queasy at times. He found himself doing things he wouldn’t have done so often, he lost track of time oddly. Then Wufei left and his own heart and soul felt dead, cold and empty. He was finding it harder and harder to ignore the voices, to continue living his life, excepting the peace he had fought bleed and almost died himself for. Then when Duo had left there was no life, no sun no warmth. Things became colorless, all he could hear were the dead’s screams, their anger, their pain. After that he went to the whore houses constantly even if it was only a few hours of silence.

Even now he could feel the pull to go back to the whore house just for a few hours of mindless pain to block out the voices. Anything was better if they were quite, if he could escape, if he could find sanctuary within…

Quatre stood up so quickly the chair went flying back and away from him slamming into the cabinets with a loud thud. His eyes wide and his mouth open wide. Why, why hadn’t he thought of it sooner? Why had it taken so long for him to put the pieces together, and realize the message Heero had originally sent?

“It’s so simple!” He yelled turning to see Rashid staring at him with wide eyes as well.

“Master Quatre?” He asked uneasily.

“Rashid it’s so simple! I knew where they were the whole time! I could have followed him two hours after he’d left! ALLAH! I’ve been sleeping for the past few years!” With that Quatre ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

He had to call Trowa and tell him he’d figured it out. He knew where they were, and that he was leaving to join them. He was heading to his sanctuary to live out the rest of his life in peace, in a home, a safe haven for his soul and heart. Trowa would be…

He stopped short of dialing Trowa’s number, his hand setting the head set down. Trowa wasn’t ready, Trowa wouldn’t understand. Even though he was an intricate part of the family he didn’t know it yet and he would just destroy what they all had. By the time Trowa realized what he could have had what he had had all along…

Quatre slumped into the chair and his face fell into his hands. He couldn’t just tell Trowa, just like Heero’s couldn’t just tell Wufei, and Wufei Duo, and Duo him. Quatre would have done the same thing, he would have just found them and made them a target, because he himself hadn’t been ready to let go of everything else.

Heero had chosen Wufei because Wufei would have just let him go, he wouldn’t have stopped him. Heero had known that, Wufei had known from the very beginning where Heero had went off to the code had been for the rest of them. Heero had told Wufei where he was going and that he was more than welcome to come as was the rest of the pilots. He’d also said without really saying Wufei wasn’t aloud to just say where he was going if he decided he wanted to come.

Quatre stared at the vid phone, at the blank screen a sad look on his face. Trowa wasn’t ready to come home. Trowa wasn’t ready to let go of it all, and that meant he had to be cryptic to keep what was at stake safe.

Sighing Quatre stood up and walked over to his dresser, there was no time to worry about things like that, he had packing to do among other things.

Quatre walked down the dusty road a back pack over his shoulder and a black duffle in either hand. He was almost there, he was so close, he could feel the shift in the energy around, the voices were becoming quieter as he went further down the road towards the safe house. He couldn’t feel each individual, but oddly he had already figured that. Somehow they had managed to seem as though they had died, so he could only assumed it worked that way in reverse. Only they could allow him to feel them individually.

Coming around the corner he say Duo just standing there in the middle of the drive way a soft smile on his face, and that’s when his essence came flooding back into his space heart. The cool calm darkness, the self assured arrogance, that zest for life. With those feeling filling him he picked up speed and as they got stronger tears came to his eyes and by the time he was near Duo he was running towards him. Dropping his bags only moments before he jumped into Duo’s open arms.

“Hey buddy, I’m glad you finally came.” Duo whispered into his ear swinging him around within his embrace.

“Oh Allah I was so stupid. All I could feel was the pain and the anger, but I couldn’t let go, I just didn’t know how.” He sobbed into Duo’s shoulder.

“It’s okay blondie, what matters is that you’re here now.” he replied. “You’re safe now Quat, you’re safe I promise.”

“Winner?” Came a deep tenor voice along with the fiery presence of that particular heart.

Quatre looked up and gave a watery smile and choked laughter , he was here, he was right there in front of him. No words could express the relief and joy he had, all he could think about as Wufei came closer, was how much he just wanted to kiss the man. How much he wanted to touch and feel him just to reassure himself that he really was there and this wasn’t some cruel dream.

Detaching himself from Duo, rather reluctantly, he took the last few steps towards Wufei and was very surprised when Wufei brushed his fingers back across his cheek and tangled his fingers in his golden hair. Pulling their foreheads together Wufei gave a reassuring squeeze to the back of his neck and smiled. All Quatre could do was give one watery smile back, and place his hands on Wufei’s chest.

“I-I-I’ve missed you so much…” Quatre trailed off swallowing the lump in his throat. “I-I love you.”

Duo came up to the side of them and Quatre reached a hand over to him as well pulled him closer.

“I love all of you so much. I never realized until, until I figured out what I was really missing, and what I had had all along.”

Suddenly the rush of Heero came beating down on his space heart and his knees wobbled momentarily. It was if they had all been resurrected or he had died. He couldn’t quite figure it out.

“We all know how you feel, even Trowa though he doesn’t know it yet.” Heero said wrapping his arms around him from behind.

Qautre to do little more than stand there and sob and thank Allah, or whoever was looking out for him, that he was finally home to his peace, to his safe haven, to his sanctuary.

Later that night Quatre found himself nestled between Heero and Wufei, after what could only be described as a touch fest. He had wasted no time in joining Heero and Wufei seeing as he simply needed them to be there. He needed to feel them like he hadn’t before. Oddly they had been more than willing and very open about it all. Heero had soothed his wounds with soft touches and reverent kisses, and Wufei had ignited his soul with hot passionate kisses and reassuring dominance. Strangely Duo had never shown up and seemed to be sleeping alone.

“Why isn’t he here with us?” He asked.

“He still needs time to himself.” Heero replied.

“Is he in so much pain?”

“No, but he’s not ready to let go of himself like that.”

“Oh.” Quatre thought for a moment. “Maybe he’ll be ready when Trowa gets here.”

“Maybe.” Heero finished.

They could hope anyway Qautre said to himself as he drifted off to sleep.