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the definition of love	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 2598 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
The Definition of Love

Chapter 4

��

Being called a slut by his
own mother had been bad and it had hurt, but Duo was good at hiding how much
things hurt. That was one of the few things that his father had taught him that
had come in handy. It had hurt, but having Heero hold his hand had made him
feel better, it always did.

�� Brothers don�t hold
hands.� Duo ignored the voice in his head that told him that. Heero had
always held his hand when he was a kid and he didn�t see what was wrong with
it. It made him feel better, so how could it be wrong? Of course, there was
another side to it. Feeling the warmth of Heero�s hand on his made all the pain go away, except for an odd pain in his chest that felt
hot and tight. Brothers didn�t hold hands, but mothers didn�t call their sons
sluts, either and this wasn�t the first time that she had made that
insinuation. Had she ever loved him? He tried to think back to his childhood,
but it was so hard� Their mother was a sad, bitter person and despite the fact
that she often took out her loneliness on them, Duo couldn�t help but feel
sorry for her. Someone had to and that someone would never be Heero. Besides,
she was still Duo�s mother and he hated to see how� aged she had become. He also couldn�t help but think that it was all his fault. Because of his actions, she had given up so
much. He had read once that motherhood meant sacrifice, but what if his mom
didn�t want to sacrifice anything more for his sake? And yet, he also couldn�t
help but hate her a little.

�� The toast popped up and Duo was forced to let go of Heero�s
hand. Emptiness filled him even as he spread jelly onto the toasted bread. Why
did he have to feel this way? He had never felt this way with his other
friends. Yes, he had felt a little bit of loneliness when he had found out that
they were moving and he would probably never see them again, but that was
nothing compared to the feeling of emptiness he got when he was away from his
brother. As he sat at the wooden table and started to nibble on his toast, he
kept an eye on Heero as the other boy got his own breakfast. He�d always had
problems sorting out his feelings. He knew that he could be too emotional
sometimes, but lately he just felt confused. He didn�t feel bad about moving
when he should, he realized that he spent more time with his brother than any
of his friends, which, according to their mother, was
not normal, and he had discovered that, though he did wish for some friends in
this new place, as long as Heero was around, he was never truly lonely. There
were other feelings inside of him that just kept mixing up to the point that he
felt that if he tried to examine them, he would get a headache. He shook his
head. It was far too early in the morning to psychoanalyze himself.
Eliza was standing at the counter reading a newspaper, though it appeared as
though she was using it more as a prop to ignore them than actually any
interest in it. She never ate breakfast with them, so it wasn�t like this
display was anything new.

�� Heero sat next to him at the table and dug into his cereal;
some sort of raison bran. Heero never liked the sugary cereal that Duo did, he
said that it tasted like candy and his stomach couldn�t handle anything that
sweet in the morning. Duo smiled a little when he thought of how different, yet
compatible they were. It was strange, like they were two pieces of a puzzle;
their shapes were different, but they completed each other.

�� Mom, can you hand me the funnies?� He called over to her.
He liked multitasking when he was eating and reading the comics was a ritual
just like braiding his long hair when he got out of the shower in the morning.
Just like his preference for skim milk, the bit with the comics had started
with his father. It was one of his many, almost childish, quirks. Every time
Eliza saw their dad doing something like this, she would scold him to be more
mature, though it was obvious to everyone that it amused her more than it
irritated her. It was the little things like that that made Duo miss him and he
wish that he didn�t. He missed how his father would smell of hazelnut coffee in
the morning, he missed how he would pick him up and tuck him under his chin or
put him up on his impressive shoulders, he even missed how he could place his
tiny hands in just one of his father�s large ones. He missed the feel of his
old, ratty white t-shirts covering the solid, muscular frame as he hugged him.
Thinking about the man filled him with an intense sort of tearing pain that
made him want to tear his hair out in frustration and those feelings had never
faded as the years had gone on.

�� Duo waited for his mother to hand the comics over, but she
ignored him. He sighed mentally and gave up. It looked like she was in one of
her �moods� this morning and he knew that getting on her bad side was not a
good idea. He heard Heero mirror the sigh in his head out loud and smirked a
little. He didn�t know if Heero had guessed his thoughts, but his older brother
had a tendency to say or do what he was thinking. He guessed that that was a
sign that they hung out together too much. Sometimes, Heero could tell when
things were hurting and know exactly what was wrong. It was nice not to have to
say those things out loud. Sometimes, it was the same with Duo. There was just
something in Heero�s eyes that spoke to him. In those moments, he knew exactly
what was going on in Heero�s head. Other times, Heero was just too complicated
and he felt like he was trying to decipher an alien language. This, apparently,
was one of those times, because he was totally unprepared when Heero stood and
marched over to their mother. Duo�s eyes were wide as Heero grabbed the
newspaper.

�� What are you doing?!� Eliza screeched. Duo winced. He
hated that tone of hers. It was nearly whining, a high
pitch that rang in his ears filled with stubbornness and pompous arrogance. He
didn�t understand how Heero could be so calm and almost callous when he heard
that tone. If Duo were in his place, he would have apologized profusely and
given the paper back, but Heero made no move to do so. In fact, it seemed as
though he was almost teasing her by withholding the paper. The older boy always
had been stronger than him. Duo didn�t understand how he could not be afraid of
her when Duo was. He supposed it was pathetic, after all, she was just a woman,
yet she had the strange ability to instill terror in him at times. Other times,
he thought that he might be able to stand up to her, but he just didn�t see the
point. Even if he did, she wouldn�t change, she would probably just become more
pig headed and hard to live with just to spite him, yet Heero didn�t seem all
too concerned with these things.

�� He saw Heero take out the comics from the paper and thrust
the rest of it back at Eliza who narrowed her icy blue eyes at him. They
reminded Duo of two wolves trying to piss at the same tree.

�� How dare you?� Eliza hissed, her teeth
clenched tightly. Duo winced, sure that she was going to hit him, but
the blow never came.

�� He just asked for the comics. You never read them,� Heero
snapped back and walked to the table. Duo watched his stride with amazement and
Eliza returned to the paper grudgingly. He knew that she didn�t care for the
facts and logic like Heero did. Her son had just insulted her and Duo felt
tense, waiting for her to retaliate in some way. Still, she must have
understood that she had just lost this battle, because she continued to read,
though her back was stiff and her gaze shifted back to them. As Duo�s eyes fell
on Heero, his brother�s own stature changed as though a switch had been
flicked. A thick blush grew across Duo�s cheeks as Heero�s deep blue eyes
settled on him. He loved the color of Heero�s eyes. He felt as though he could
look for that color for a thousand years and not find it anywhere else. They
were so deep, it felt like falling into the sky or
being surrounded by the lapping waves of the open ocean. They comforted him and
for that moment, Duo forgot all about their mother brooding a few feet away. As
Heero passed him the comics, he got closer to Duo, their shoulders almost
brushing. For some reason, this close proximity made Duo feel hot and he felt
as though his blush was going to make him combust.

�� Heero, thank you. But, you didn�t
have to do that,� Duo insisted, trying to take the edge off of his sudden rapid
heart beat. What was wrong with him this morning? He certainly couldn�t chalk
it up to excitement of his first day of high school. This was something else.
Was he coming down with something? Heero smiled at him and the heat blossomed
into a full grown fire. He prayed that his brother wouldn�t notice and tease
him about it. Heero wasn�t the teasing type, but he was sure that the older boy
couldn�t resist as his face was doing a fair impression of a strawberry.

�� Yes, I did,� Heero said forcefully, �she�s just being a
tit,� he whispered, though Duo was sure that their mother had heard because her
back became so tight it was a wonder she hadn�t snapped something, �now, read
your comics and finish eating.�

�� Duo felt something inside of him let go and his heart
settled. This was the Heero he had always known; the older brother who took
care of him and protected him, the brother who, since their two parents had
become only one, had done more than a fair share of picking up the slack that
their father had left. He was his pillar, so why had he been so anxious at his
close proximity?

�� He did as he was told, eating his toast quickly, but not
too quick. He didn�t want his brother to scold him
about choking. He read the comics as he ate, letting them relax him, though he
was still aware of Heero�s every movement as the other boy ate his cereal at
the same time that he kept one eye on his mother. Duo trusted Heero to keep the
vigil. It was strange. He felt like an antelope at a watering hole that needed
to be watched after, but that didn�t seem quite right. Heero was more like a
predator than another antelope, yet he protected him. So, what did that make
his mother; a crocodile? But, that wasn�t right, either. Heero and Eliza had
always had a sort of strange dance and if it hadn�t been between his brother
and his mother, it would have been amusing to watch. The silence between Eliza
and Duo was sharp and strange, but the silence between him and Heero was
companionable somehow. Once more he was struck with the thought that this was
not how brothers should act towards each other, but he couldn�t put his finger
on what was wrong about it. He couldn�t even figure out if it was wrong, it just felt� different to
him.

�� Duo kept an eye on Heero and, when he saw that he was
finished with his cereal, grabbed both his and Heero�s dishes before Heero
could. Doing this one small thing made him feel a little less useless. It
wasn�t that he was lazy, but Heero had done most of the unpacking and that had
made Duo feel like he had slighted him even though he knew that Heero didn�t
see it that way. He vowed that he would do something to make it up to his
brother, even if he had to wash the toilets or something else that he hated. He
secretly liked how his brother looked after him at the same time that wanted to
pull his own weight around the house.

�� Go get your coat,� Heero said when Duo was finished
stacking the dishes in the dishwasher. Duo imagined that if someone else his
age was being ordered around by their big brother, they would be pissed, but it
didn�t bother him. He knew that Heero was a little bit of a control freak and that
he didn�t mean anything by it, it was just a part of personality to take
control. Duo smiled at him to show that he didn�t think that he was being bossy
and ran off. His heart beat quickly again, this time for a different reason. He
was going to high school for the very first time! It was at a new school, too,
with people he had never met in a building he had never seen! And to top it all
off, he was going with Heero! While it was true that they were only three years
apart, in the one year that Heero had been in middle school with him, they
hadn�t seen each other much, so this would be interesting, especially since
Heero would be a freshman as well. Duo felt bad about being excited about that.
He was sure that Heero was feeling depressed by being a seventeen year old
ninth grader, but he was glad that he would be in classes with him. It went a
long way to take the sting out of the weirdness of the unknown. That was the
reason why he was more excited than scared. He knew that as long as Heero was
around, nothing bad would happen. He hadn�t had many friends in their old town,
no real ones, anyway. There had been too many rumors flying around about him,
but this time would be different. No one here knew them, so maybe he would make
some new friends. But, he knew that Heero would always remain his best friend
and hoped that Heero knew that.

�� He grabbed both his and Heero�s jackets from the hall
closet and slipped his black one on. It was only autumn
and it wasn�t cold enough for their winter jackets, thankfully. He also grabbed
his and Heero�s sneakers, laying his brother�s out carefully for him. He held
Heero�s blue jacket in a tentative grip as he waited. It smelled like him� He
sighed as he waited. Heero was taking a long time. What was he doing, anyway? He
had already done the dishes. He shook his head and attempted to put on his
sneakers while he still held Heero�s jacket. He tied his left shoe�s shoelace,
then the right, unconsciously humming the �tying your shoelace� song that his
father had taught him when he had first learned how. He looked up sharply as
Heero finally stormed into the hall, looking agitated and distracted. Duo
frowned.

�� You ok?� He asked. Who knew what had happened if Heero had
been all alone with their mother. He almost smacked his head against the wall
for being so stupid. What if she had retaliated in some way? Heero didn�t look
hurt, just annoyed, though not at him. Heero nodded, but Duo wasn�t reassured.
Heero hid his feelings and thoughts too well sometimes. He couldn�t even tell
if this was something serious and his brother was pissed or if his mother had
just made some offhand remark that he was annoyed about. Duo stood up and
handed Heero his sneakers. Heero stretched out his arm to take him and Duo
finally saw it. Heero was only wearing a green t-shirt and on his arm was a
vicious red mark in the shape of fingers� Duo felt rage boiling up in him at
the thought of anyone touching his brother in that way. How dare anyone try to
hurt him!

�� Heero smiled at him and Duo felt a little of that anger
bleeding away into something softer and warmer.

�� It�s nothing,� Heero said and ruffled Duo�s hair. Duo
glared at him halfheartedly, watching Heero put on his jacket and he tried to
straighten out his hair, trying to hide how it made him feel. Heero only did
that if he thought he was being cute or needed to be reassured of something.
Heero also thought that it annoyed him; he refused to let him know how good it
made him feel.

�� Don�t do that,� Duo said as he followed Heero out the
door, but the words didn�t sound very sincere to him. He felt most of his anger
vanish, but still there was some, deep rooted in his heart. He couldn�t get
that mark on Heero�s skin out of his mind.

�� Taking a look around the street, Duo decided that he was
going to like Arcadia.
It seemed like the perfect balance between a small town and a city. It was
autumn and a little bit chilly, but Duo didn�t mind. Winter near the lake was
going to be brutal, though. Duo couldn�t wait until spring came. He had never
gone fishing before and he wondered if Heero would be interested. As people
started to leave their houses for the day, Duo waved at them and they waved
back just as cheerfully. It was nice not being stared at like some terrible,
alien thing, and yet they were the outsiders in this community and they felt
more at peace here than at home. It was a strange feeling.

�� So, what classes are you taking again?� Duo asked his
brother. He knew that he had at least one with Heero, but he was a little bit
nervous about school and hoped that he wouldn�t have to go through much of his
first day by himself. As Heero recited his classes, Duo almost winced in pity
at how depressed his brother sounded when he had mentioned his art and
literature classes. Duo cheered up a little when he noted that he and Heero had
several classes together. He once again felt sad that Heero had to be a
freshman with him, but he was still secretly glad. Suddenly, he froze.

�� Playing
spaceship in their mom�s new car was fun and Heero always knew neat stuff about
space ships. The two of them ran around inside of the car, pretending that they
had �landed� it and now had to explore the strange land that lay outside.

�� Duo
jumped out of the silver car and heard growling. It was low and heavy, sounding
more like a bear than a dog, but as he spun around, he saw that it was just
their neighbor�s Doberman, Geraldo. It was a stupid name for a dog, really. Duo
squealed with happiness seeing the dog. His parents didn�t let him have any
pets, but he was working on them. He hoped by the time he was nine his dad
would let him have a gerbil. Gerbil�s were neat.

�� Hi, Ger-ger!� Duo cried. Geraldo
snarled, thick foam dripping it�s mouth, the high pitch sound of Duo�s cry shot
pain into the beast�s head.

�� Ger?� Duo took a step back as the dog�s red eyes glared
into his own violet eyes. Where was Heero? He couldn�t hear him in the car
anymore. His brother would protect him� but where was he? Duo didn�t dare
looking away from the large dog. The skin on the dog�s muzzle pulled back as it
growled, reveling sharp teeth. Geraldo leaped.

�� Duo
cried out as the dog�s weight landed on him and teeth flashed at him followed
by terrible snarling. The dog latched its jaws around Duo�s arm and the child
screamed. It hurt! Blood poured down his arm and the dog tried to tear through
his flesh.

�� Get
off him!� Heero yelled, suddenly appearing behind the dog and slammed the open
car door Duo had jumped out of into the dog�s side. The Doberman made more
snarling noises, but refused to let go. Heero slammed the door again and again
against the dog�s body until it finally let go of his little brother with a
whimper, its coat covered in blood. Heero ran to Duo, who curled against him in
shock and Heero lifted him with one arm, running into the safety of their
house, screaming for their mother.

�� Duo stared at the tawny colored stray dog in fear. It was
much different looking from Geraldo, but in Duo�s terrified mind, they were the
same dog. The dog slowly approached him and Duo�s heart exploded in a spasmodic
rhythm in his chest. The dog was going to eat him, that�s what Geraldo had
tried to do when he was seven and now this one was going to finish the job�

�� Heero?� Duo found the voice to
call for his brother. Heero had protected him then, where was he? Where was
Heero?

�� It�s ok, Duo,� he heard his brother, but his mind still
couldn�t register where he was, he just saw the dog in his eyes.

�� How do you know?� Duo asked. Heero had said that it was
ok, so it was, but he needed to know why. How did Heero always know the truth
when it was hard for Duo? Heero always had all the answers. Duo finally managed
to pull his gaze away from the dog and saw that Heero was only a few feet away
from him.

�� Because he�s wagging his tail. He�s
just happy to see you.� Duo watched with wide eyes as Heero petted the dog and
the mutt ran off. Duo flung himself into Heero�s arms. Heero had protected him.
Heero would always protect him. Throughout his entire life, that was the one,
constant truth�

�� Duo watched from his
hospital bed as their mother finally left to talk to his doctor. Heero sat on a
chair by his bed and watched him, both of them glad that he was finally allowed
visitors besides his mother. She didn�t have a very good bedside manner. She
couldn�t see what the big deal was about getting bit by a dog, but Heero
understood. Duo stared at his bandaged arm. He couldn�t remember what they had
done to it, but it didn�t hurt so much anymore, it just kind of tingled.

�� Wha�s rabides and why do I have
them?� Duo asked, looking at his arm for some sign of the illusive �rabides� but couldn�t see anything.

�� That�s
�rabies� and you have them because Ger-ger was sick
and he made you sick.�

�� Rabies,�
Duo tried the word out on his own. It sounded like babies, but why would
someone name a sickness after babies? �Course, babies were pretty gross.

�� But I
don�t want to have shots!� Duo exclaimed.

�� You
have to, dummy,� Heero said, �or you�ll get really sick like Geraldo.�

�� Duo
looked at him with wide eyes. He hated shots, but he hated being sick, too.

�� Really?�

�� Heero
nodded solemnly.

�� But don�t worry,
it�ll just be a second and I�ll be here the whole time.�

�� They
both winced as they heard their mother screaming something about �malpractice�,
whatever that was, in the hallway. They both stared at each other in shock as
they heard their father�s voice as well.

�� You
pinky swear you won�t leave me?� Duo whispered. Heero smiled and wrapped his
pinky around Duo�s.

�� I
pinky swear.�

�� Duo was amazed that Heero didn�t look at him with
frustration or pity when he finally managed to get control of his fear. Heero
still understood about his fear and had never thought that it was silly, unlike
his mother. It had been a battle just to get her to let his doctor to give him
the rabies shots. In the end, it had been their father that had managed to
convince her that everything the hospital had done to their son was necessary.
Duo was glad when his heart decided that the threat was over and settled down,
but as he untangled himself from his brother, he felt an acute loss at the
warmth and protection that Heero had given him. It was ridiculous, he was a
teenager, but here he was crawling all over his brother like he was a little
kid again.

�� With an artist�s eye, Duo looked at the neutral grey of the
lockers. It created no headache unlike the lockers at his old middle school
that had been pink, green, and orange. Duo had never seen the lockers at
Heero�s high school, but apparently this was a change for him, too, because he
looked at them with relief. Duo felt slightly overwhelmed as other students
swarmed them to get to their own lockers. Should he try to talk to someone?
Should he try to make new friends right away or wait until it felt right to
him? Heero took the decision out of hands by quietly leading him to their first
class: gym.

�� Duo wasn�t a huge fan of gym. He wasn�t bad at sports, but
because he was short and small, the other boys thought that he was a weakling
and he had to put twice as much effort into anything he did. As they walked
into the small gymnasium, Duo saw that there were already people sitting on the
bleachers. He eyed them in anxiety. He had been in the school for only ten
minutes and he already felt like a complete alien amongst these people. He
wondered if it would be like his old school and people were already divided up
into clich�s. Of course, at his old school he hadn�t been a part of any either,
so even after years there he felt alien. He hoped that he wouldn�t feel like
that here. He noticed that there were girls here, too, so this class probably
wasn�t segregated by gender. As they sat down, Duo noticed that they were
already getting stares. He realized that in a small town like this, it wouldn�t
matter if it was the first day of school or not, all of these kids knew each
other. Duo sat down next to a blonde boy who was about the same height as him.
If he had bothered to think about it, he had done so because he didn�t feel as
anxious around him. To Duo�s delight, instead of being annoyed that some
strange boy had sat next to him, the blonde boy smiled brightly at him and Duo
returned the favor. Duo watched in shock as a boy sitting next to the blonde
leaned in to whisper something in the smaller boy�s ear. The boy was very, very
tall with a strange haircut, but there was a shyness about him that was
disarming. There was also something familiar about the look in his visible
green eye. It was a very attractive green that spoke of the forest and other
earthy things while his blonde companion�s green-blue eyes were like the sea,
commanding, yet beautiful and kind. Duo blushed when he realized that he had
been checking the tall boy out. He knew how sensitive some people were to such
things and quickly looked away. The boy was attractive, but Duo couldn�t tell
if he was aroused by him or not. Then again, the blonde boy was also very nice
to look at. Experimentally, Duo looked around at the girls, but he honestly
couldn�t see the same pleasant qualities he had seen in the two boys, but that
didn�t make him gay, he was sure of that.

�� Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his brother shaking
the hand of some blonde girl. A sharp pain exploded in his chest as Heero
smiled at her and she smiled back. Heero never smiled at people. He was always
somewhat stoic, distant with people, especially people he had just met. He only
ever smiled like that at Duo. Duo had to keep a growl from escaping his throat
as the girl sat down next to Heero, her hand still in his, and Duo desperately
wanted to smack her hand away from him. It was jealousy, Duo realized. He tried
to imagine the blonde boy in the girl�s place and found that it didn�t make him
so angry, it was just her. Heero seemed to glance at him out of the corner of
his blue eyes, but if he noticed Duo�s discomfort, he didn�t say anything. The
pain in Duo�s chest grew to something almost unbearable. He felt like he was
going to throw up as Heero finally acknowledged him, but still didn�t seem to
really pay much attention to him, his eyes fixed on the girl.

�� He likes her,� Duo noted miserably. What the hell was
wrong with him? He was Heero�s little brother, not his keeper. If his brother
fell in love with this girl, he should be happy, right? So why was he so angry?
Was he really that selfish that he had to have Heero all to himself? He had no
right to feel this way, and that was what made it hurt so bad.
Heero had always been there for him, always protected him, always loved him,
but he was still just his brother and had no say in his life. With each look
Heero and the girl shared, Duo could feel him slipping away from his brother.
He bit his lip, feeling tears coming. How pathetic was he? He heard Heero
introduce him, but the girl didn�t seem to like Duo any more than Duo liked her
and they ignored each other and the girl resumed to chatting to Heero. Duo
watched with heated eyes as the girl, who�s name was Relena according to her, placed her hand on Heero�s arm.
Her voice was so sweet, it was obvious that she was flirting with him, but that
wasn�t surprising, Heero was beautiful. It was disgusting watching her cling
onto him, though.

�� Don�t mind her, her bark is worse than her bite.�

�� Duo turned to the blonde, who was smiling knowingly at him.

�� You should be grateful that she doesn�t have any interest
in you, I mean, no offense to your brother,� the blonde leaned in and whispered
in Duo�s ear, �but you�re definitely the cute one.�

�� Duo�s face flamed and he thought that he would combust. Cute? Lot�s of people had
called him cute when he was little, but not since he had become a teenager.
Coming from the blonde, it seemed like a huge compliment. The blonde laughed
and Duo relaxed. There was something so wonderfully relaxing about that laugh.

�� I�m Quatre Raberba Winner,� the
blonde said, offering his hand. Duo smiled back. He liked this blonde much
better than the other.

�� Duo Maxwell-Yuy,� Duo said,
shaking his hand.

�� Trowa Barton,� the tall, green eyed boy said, shaking
Duo�s hand as well. Trowa�s smile was more subdued
than Quatre�s, but Duo could tell that he didn�t smile much and he treasured
it, suddenly realizing that he made his first friends and warmth mingled with
the pain that still remained as the Relena talked
with Heero about things so normal they bordered on boring, yet Heero seemed
hooked on her words.

�� Talking with Quatre and Trowa was much easier than it had
been with his previous friends. He learned that Quatre was a freshman like him
and that he was incredibly rich, but his father had thought that it would be a good
idea for him to go to school like a normal kid. Quatre hadn�t minded as he and
Trowa had been best friends since they had been children. Back then, Trowa�s family had been a part of a traveling circus and
they had met when Quatre had gone with one of his many, many older sisters to
the show. So, when Quatre had been told that he was going to the same high
school as his best friend, he had been happy. Trowa�s
worked for a zoo now instead of the circus and lived in a trailer with his
older sister, Catherine. Trowa was also a junior, not a freshman, but didn�t
seem bothered with being friends with freshman at all. He also appeared to be
hesitant to talk about his parents, but Duo understood about that too well and
didn�t ask about it. He could tell that this had made him gain a little bit
more of the green eyed boy�s trust. Even as he talked cheerfully with his new
friends, he kept looking over to his brother. It was as automatic as breathing.

�� Duo found out that he and Quatre had all of their classes
together and Duo was glad about that. Being around the blonde boy helped him to
ignore the terrible pain in his chest whenever he saw Heero. He just couldn�t
bring himself to talk to his brother. He felt betrayed, but that was wrong. It
wasn�t like Heero suddenly hated him now that he had met Relena,
but Duo still felt so distant from him and he couldn�t handle that at a point
in his life when he needed his brother by his side. He decided he was the most
disgusting person alive, wanting to chain his brother down like that. He also
decided that he wouldn�t bother Heero, if Heero wanted to date that girl, then
he would be glad for him, even if it felt like he was dying inside. When they
finally separated into different classes, Duo felt like crying. It was like, if
Heero was in his sight, Duo could still have some connection to him, but now
there was nothing and he was starting to feel numb inside. Quatre seemed to
sense that something was wrong and followed Duo around, sitting next to him and
helping him through the day. Duo realized that this was what best friends were
supposed to be like. Besides Heero, he had never had one before. It was a
terrible, wonderful thing. He felt like he was replacing his brother with
someone else, but wasn�t that what Heero had done? He felt so bitter, but at
the same time, he truly did like Quatre. Was it possible to have two best
friends or was it impossible to stay friends with his brother? He couldn�t
cling to him forever, it wasn�t fair. He wasn�t a little kid anymore and Heero
was almost an adult. What had he expected, that Heero would always be there?
That was just juvenile of him to think of that.

�� School had ended and Duo stood at the road towards their
house, waiting for Heero. The bitterness inside of him told him to just go
home, Heero could figure things out for himself, but he just couldn�t do it. It
seemed wrong to take off without him.

�� Is your brother going to walk you home?� Quatre asked,
suddenly appearing at Duo�s side. Duo nodded. Quatre put a hand on his shoulder.

�� The first day is tough,� he said, �but it�s probably just
as tough for Heero, don�t you think?�

�� Duo blinked at him.

�� I-I guess. It�s just�,� he sighed, �It�s hard.�

�� Quatre nodded.

�� I understand. Look, my father has a theater in our
basement. It�s a dumb, rich guy thing, you know? If you want, you can come
watch movies with Trowa and I this weekend.�

�� Duo brightened, his eyes wide.

�� Really?!� He exclaimed. Quatre
smiled.

�� That�s better. You�re very beautiful when you smile, Duo,�
Quatre said. Duo blushed. Only one person had ever called him beautiful� but he
wouldn�t think about that now.

�� Anyway, my sister, Jade, has this huge horror movie
collection��

�� So, for ten minutes, Quatre and Duo talked about the
differences between horror movies made in the eighties and the ones that they
were putting out now, until Heero finally came out, followed by Relena. Duo�s eyes widened and the color drained from his
face.

�� Oh, my,� Quatre murmured, clearly displeased. He watched
in alarm as his new friend turned pale and started to hyperventilate.

�� Shit, it hurt.
Pain clawed and tightened around Duo�s heart and he clutched at his chest,
panting as a strange panic filled him.

�� Duo! It�s alright�� he heard
Quatre say and something was pressed into his hand. Duo came back to the real
world, the gray that had started to appear in his vision vanishing little by
little. He looked at the cell phone in amazement, then
looked at Quatre, confused. Quatre just smiled sadly at him.

�� Do you have one already?�

�� Duo shook his head.

�� My mom doesn�t believe in them.�

�� Well, you can use this one, I have a bunch of him, my
sister, Irea, is always paranoid that I�m going to
lose it. It has my number in it. If you ever feel depressed or just need to
talk to someone, I�ll always answer, ok? Say, where did you get that scar?�
Quatre asked as he finally saw the long, thin scar on Duo�s palm. It didn�t
look bad at all, it was just obvious on his skin.

�� Duo stared at him.

�� Oh, it�s just a dumb kid thing. I� thank you, Quatre.�

�� Quatre�s smile turned bright and relieved.

�� What are friends for?� He hugged the braided boy. When he
finally released him, he waved him goodbye and jogged to a sleek, black car
that was parked in front of the school. Duo stared at the silver phone, clutching
it in his hand as though he could will the warmth that remained on the plastic
from Quatre�s hand into his heart. Hundreds of emotions swirled inside of him
and he felt as though he was being torn apart. He was relieved to have finally
made a friend. He was happy that Quatre was so kind and seemed to like him,
too. He was glad that he finally had someone to talk to. He was upset and
lonely and felt abandoned by Heero. He felt a deep hatred for Relena and to top it all off, he was hungry.

�� Duo still couldn�t talk to Heero, even as they walked down
the street by themselves. Duo felt as though something vital had been stolen
from their relationship, something that they might never get back. He tried to
feel angry at Heero, but mostly he just wanted to cry. But, he was guy for
fuck�s sake, it wouldn�t be very manly to cry over his
brother and his new girlfriend, so he bottled it all up inside.

�� What�s wrong?� Heero�s voice startled Duo. Where to start?
Duo thought.

�� Nothing�s wrong,� he said. He couldn�t bear to look his
brother in the eyes. He felt that if he looked into those deep blue eyes at
that moment, something intense would happen, something that he wouldn�t be able
to take back later. He felt as though he was standing at the edge of a cliff
that was starting to break off. He gasped as Heero suddenly grabbed his arm.

�� Duo, you know you can talk to me about anything, right? If
there�s something bothering you, I�ll listen. You�re my little brother.�

�� Duo finally managed to look up at Heero. His brother�s
words almost echoed Quatre�s. But, at the same time, they weren�t the same at
all. This was something that he wasn�t sure he could talk about to Heero
because his older brother wanted all the answers and Duo didn�t have a single
one. He wasn�t entirely sure what was wrong, just that something was very
wrong. Heero had said that he was still his little brother, but why did he feel
like that was a lie. It was ridiculous. Had something really changed, or was
Duo just being stubborn. He felt like he was falling apart. He wished that he
had the luxury of his room so he could cry his eyes out in private. Their dad
had once told them that if no one saw it, it was like it had never happened. If
he could just break down where no one could see it, he could pretend to be
strong again in the morning, maybe he could even
figure out just what the hell was wrong with him.

�� Do you honestly mean that?� Duo finally asked. He was
shocked when Heero ruffled his hair. It was so much like this morning, what had
changed in less than twelve hours? Why couldn�t he have that back? His hand
twitched to smooth down his hair like this morning, but he couldn�t bear to do
it. He felt like if he changed it in the slightest, it would be like Heero had
never done it. Heero honestly believed that nothing had changed between them,
so why couldn�t he believe that, too?

�� Of course I do,� Heero said in a reassuring tone and Duo
believed him.

�� Even if I have to share you with someone
else?� The words slipped out before Duo could stop him. Heero stared at
him, but Duo couldn�t find anything else to say.

�� Is that what this is about?� Heero demanded. Duo looked
down, unable to look at those amazing, fierce eyes anymore.

�� You kissed her,� Duo suddenly snapped, his voice cracking
with pain. Heero had kissed her, but that wasn�t what had changed things, it
had just been the final nail on the coffin. But more than that, that was what
made Duo feel so betrayed, though he couldn�t figure out why. So Heero had
kissed a girl, why did that make it hurt so much?
Heero hugged him tightly and Duo melted into his warmth. He didn�t want to move
from this spot, he didn�t want Heero to let him go. That was so wrong, but he
needed this like he needed to breathe.

�� Silly,� Heero murmured in his ear and Duo had to force
himself not to shudder as his warm breath slid across his skin, �no matter
what, you will always be the number one in my life. No woman can change that.�

�� Hope, beautiful but fragile, blossomed in
Duo�s heart. Always be Heero�s number one? That
would be a wonderful thing, and the odd thing was, he truly believed that. Why
had the thought of being replaced by a woman scare him
so badly? Maybe because he always wanted to be number one in Heero�s life and
he felt that he could never compete with a woman. Maybe
because he was so wrapped in his brother that the thought of living without him
was actually painful.

�� You promise?�

�� I promise, you dummy,� Heero said as he pinky swore. The
rest of the way home was made in silence, but this time, it didn�t bother
either of them.

�� As they made home, Duo�s hunger got the best of him, so
when Heero ran up the stairs to start on his homework, Duo went to the kitchen.
Some of their neighbors had visited them yesterday and there was a piece of
cake with his name on it. Actually, it was his mother�s, but it was a small
piece and dinner wasn�t for several hours. He promised himself that he would
make that apple spice cake that she loved to make it up to her. He opened the refrigerator
and pulled out the slice of cake. It was angel food with chocolate frosting and
his mouth almost watered at the sight of it. He had had lunch, but as Heero
loved to tease him, he was still a growing boy and had the appetite of a shrew
(1).

�� Stealing food, now? And before dinner at that,� his mother
said from behind him, tapping her nails angrily on the wooden counter.
Guiltily, Duo put the slice of cake back even as his stomach growled and closed
the refrigerator door.

�� Your father would be ashamed of you!� Eliza snapped.

�� Yeah, well, he�s not coming back, is he?� Duo said before
he even thought of the words. Eliza strode up to him and slapped him across the
face. Duo pressed his hand to the wound and stared at her.

�� It�s your fault he� not coming back!� She snarled, �you�re the one who chased him away and made him do what he
did! It�s all your fault.�

�� She leaned in and backed him up against the refrigerator, a
terrible furious fire in her eyes.

�� Say it,� she hissed, �it�s all your
fault, say it!�

�� It�s all my fault,� Duo said, the
words coming easily from his heart to his mouth.

�� Go to your room,� his mother ordered, �Heero and I will
eat dinner alone and you�re not to come downstairs until I tell you to
tomorrow, do you understand?�

�� Yes, mother,� Duo murmured and walked past her.

�� I know it�s my fault, mom,� he thought to himself as he
walked up the stairs, �more than either you or Heero will ever know.�

End Chapter 4

Arrgh! Why did this fic turn out
this angsty?! Sigh, why can�t I ever write something
fluffy and cute?

�� (1) Shrews eat the most of any animal in the world because
of their size, basically, all they do is hunt for food
and eat just in order to keep breathing.��

��

�
- 4
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- 6
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the definition of love