Just Once?

Chapter 5

Betrayal

Edward sped to Roy’s door, shaking with fear now at what Hawkeye had said. But he’d know if Roy shot himself, wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t he have heard it? He clapped his hands and placed them on the lock. The tumbler fell away and the door opened with ease. He took a few quick steps into the room and stopped for a moment before closing the door behind him and letting his eyes adjust to the darkness.

Roy sat in the lone chair in his room in early evening darkness. The shades were drawn over the window behind him. His dress shirt was pulled out of his slacks and opened partially, exposing the pale skin below.

A small, round table sat next to Roy with the bottle of scotch centered in its surface. One-third of the bottles contents were missing. Roy’s wretched gaze ambled up to rest on Ed’s eyes. Roy raised his glass with an unsteady hand, downed the caramel colored beverage in one gulp, and winced from the burn invading his throat.

Ed took a few uneasy steps towards Roy, unsure if his other hand held a gun. “Roy?”

“Yes, Edward,” Roy said, sarcastically.

Ed recoiled for a moment. Roy didn’t sound right. He took a few more steps towards him. “Uh, talk, to me. Tell me what happened. Let me help you.” He kneeled down at Roy’s feet and placed his hands on Roy’s forearms, now resting in his lap. After peering over Roy’s legs and waist, he relaxed a bit. There was no gun in sight. He let his eyes wander up to Roy’s face, waiting with eagerness for him to speak. When his eyes rested on Roy’s cheeks, he noticed the faint traces of old tears. His heart ached to see him like this.

“I think it’s pretty apparent what happened. I murdered a family, whose only crime was sitting down for a meal together. I’ve destroyed countless lives, innocent lives. All because I didn’t check and double-check my orders. And now, my friend, it’s come back to haunt me. Although, it never really left, I should add. It’s always just in the back of my mind.” Roy sat forward and locked onto Ed’s eyes. His vision blurred with fresh tears. “I’m a monster, Ed, a God-damned monster.”

Roy’s words brought tears to Ed’s eyes. How could Roy say such terrible things about himself? “You are not a monster. It wasn’t your fault. You, you didn’t know. It was a war. You were just being a soldier.”

Roy let out a wicked chuckle and sat back into his chair. “No, Ed, you’ve got it wrong. I fucked up. I’m fucked up. Now, leave me alone. You don’t need someone like me in your life anyway.” He ripped out of Ed’s grasp, twisted toward the table, and reached for the scotch bottle.

Ed snatched the bottle from the table and flung it behind his back as he quickly stood up. “Stop it, Roy. You’re better than this and I do need you in my life.”

Stunned, Roy set his empty glass on the table and dropped his hands back into his lap. He could barely think through the alcohol-induced fog. All he wanted was to be left alone to wallow in self-pity and he had to make Ed leave so he could have what he wanted. “So, now what, Ed? Are you going to tell me what a great fucking guy I am? Are you going to tell me how much you love me?” Roy’s voice was harsh and his lips curled into a snarl.

Ed’s lower lip began to tremble against his will. A lump formed in his throat. “I-I do . . . l-love you . . . R-Roy.” Ed blinked, sending a tear tumbling down his cheek. “D-don’t t-treat me like this.” If he could just hold Roy, then it would be okay. Then maybe Roy would see he wasn’t a monster and he was worth the words Ed had just used.

Roy sat with a blank face, staring back at Ed. “No . . . “ There was no way Ed could love him, Roy thought. Not now, not when he knew what he’d done to that boy and his family. He couldn’t even love himself. He loathed himself even. A wave of pain coursed through him at the thought of anyone loving him. He wasn’t good enough for that. Edward had to go away. Edward had to see what monster really lurked inside him. He forced his anger to the surface and directed it all at the young man standing in front of him, the one who kept him from the scotch he craved. Suddenly, he rose up, glaring at Ed, and stomped toward him until their chests almost touched.

Fear tightened Ed’s breath, but he didn’t back away. He stared into Roy’s pale chest and waited while a new round of tears threatened to break loose down his cheeks.

Roy’s black bangs hung in his eyes as he seized Ed’s shoulders and shook them. “Well guess what, Eddy boy? I don’t love you.” Roy’s sharp words filled the room.

Ed’s heart was crushed, trampled on, and crushed some more. He fell as if in slow motion to the floor in a heap at Roy’s shoes, dropping the bottle behind him and hearing it land on the carpet with a thud. He put his hands up to his face as his chest hit his thighs and let the tears fall.

Scoffing, Roy bent over Ed and picked up the bottle, went back to the table, twisted the cap, and poured the comforting elixir into his glass. He stood with his back to the weeping young man and set the bottle back down. He couldn’t bear to watch what he’d done to him. “See, Ed? I told you I’m a monster.” His voice betrayed his emotion, as tears renewed their path on his cheeks. He swigged the scotch, letting it cut through to his wounded, devastated soul.

The initial shock of Roy’s words faded, allowing Ed to see through them. Collecting himself, he looked up at Roy from his position on the floor. He gathered his strength and stood. Gulping hard, he stepped over to Roy and poked him in the shoulder with an automail finger. “I don’t believe you. Look me in the eye and say that again.”.

“If I do, will you promise to leave me alone?”

A sharp pain stabbed Ed’s chest. He knew it was a challenge. “Y-yes.” Fighting a new round of tears, he watched Roy slowly turn and face him. Roy was so close. He wished he could embrace him and stop all this nonsense. Just push the clock back to eleven, when they woke up with no walls between them. Ed peered up into Roy’s face. He saw glistening in his eyes and on his cheeks, but his expression was cold.

Roy let himself slip into numbness. Although he looked directly at Ed, he forced himself to ignore the suffering in his lover’s eyes. He spoke with a slow and distant voice. “I said, I don’t love you.” He twisted his back to Ed, while biting his lip to hold in a sob. “Now, keep your promise and leave me alone.”

Intense pain pummeled Ed’s chest. He turned, ran to the door, slammed it open, and tore down the hallway. Flying by hotel guests, he dashed through the lobby and out the front doors. He was a blur of red and blonde braid while he darted down the sunlit sidewalk. He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t let Roy’s words and the cold expression on his face catch up with him.

One word played over and over in his mind, stupid. How stupid could he be to let himself fall for Roy? He was a fool, plain and simple. He’d actually believed, for a brief time, Roy loved him. Yes, Roy stayed with him last night, but what he’d just done was intolerable, no matter the reason.

Ed’s lungs were on fire and he knew he couldn’t outrun the pain much longer. He knew when he stopped running - he’d have to face the emotions boiling and swirling inside him. He switched directions, running deep into a vacant alley, and paced anxiously for a few seconds, choking for air, clenching his fists, before slapping his hands on the bricks of a building wall. He hung his head between raised arms and let the grief wash over him. His chest shook with sobs while tears plummeted freely down both cheeks. He couldn’t get the visions of Roy holding him, touching him, out of his mind. He wanted to hate him again, to loathe him, but what they’d shared wouldn’t let him.

-O-

Roy collected himself and sat back down in his chair. He sipped his scotch and looked with glazed eyes at the door Ed had flung open in his haste to escape from the monster formerly known as Colonel Roy Mustang. “Huh.” He would have screwed up the relationship with Ed at some point anyway, wouldn’t he? He always did. He’d gotten very good at sabotaging anything resembling love in his life. It seemed like he was so good at starting things, but couldn’t seem to finish them properly, he mused.

A figure stood in the open doorway.

Roy lifted his gaze and saw a man in hotel garb standing in his threshold.

The man raised his arm and held out an envelope to him. “Colonel Roy Mustang?”

“Yes.” Roy stood up and walked toward the man.

“I have an urgent letter for you, sir.” The man strode in and handed the envelope to Roy.

“Thank you,” Roy said as he studied the envelope, turning it over in his hand. Only his name could be found on the outside of it. The handwriting wasn’t recognizable to him. He strolled to his curtains and drew them, letting the early evening light filter into the room, before opening the envelope and unfolding the note. His eyes wandered over the small piece of paper as he read it.

Colonel Mustang,

We have the boy you mutilated during the war. Unless you’d prefer to let him die, meet us at the coffee stand you were at today.

Roy gasped. Who the hell would pull something like this? His heart ached for the boy whose life he’d ruined. He knew immediately he’d give his own life, if required, to keep the boy from further harm. With anger building in his chest, he slammed the note down on the table next to the scotch bottle, grabbed his suit jacket, and slung it over his shoulders as he made his way for the door.

-O-

After a few minutes, Ed calmed himself. A dull ache still throbbed inside him from the horrible run in with Roy. He lowered his arms and swiped at his eyes. Was it true? He still wasn’t positive he believed Roy didn’t return his love. He wiped the remaining wetness from his face on the sleeve of his red robe and strolled slowly up the alley toward the street. He needed to think and clear his head. A long walk would be just what he needed.

Ed looked around while he started down the street, trying to figure out exactly where he’d ended up. In his haste, he hadn’t paid any attention to where he’d actually run. He peered into shop windows, noting his reflection. He didn’t look so good, he thought. He looked a bit haggard, a sad young man in black and red.

As he walked, he noticed a figure in a dark hooded robe fall in step behind him. Probably a simple thief, waiting for a chance to steal his wallet, he thought. He peeked at the figure’s reflection in the window glass, trying to get a better look at the probable assailant.

Long, wavy, black hair fell from under the front of the hood.

It must be a woman, Ed thought. He peered harder into the glass as the woman turned quickly from him. In a flash the sun lit up her features. Ed’s heart stopped when he recognized the face under the hood. It was Lust. What the hell was she doing here, he wondered?

He held himself still while his mind raced back to Roy. Something wasn’t right. Trepidation and fear made his heart pound. He’d better go back to Roy, no matter what state he was in. Maybe things were not as they seemed at all. Ed paced to the street and hailed the nearest cab.

-O-

Hawkeye scoured the folder containing the details of Roy’s mishap in Ishbal. She’d gone through it before, but she knew something seemed out of place. Suddenly, she came across a misplaced death certificate at the end of the file.

She read the name and circumstance surrounding the death. A young boy, burned on sixty percent of his body, had arrived in the makeshift hospital close to the front lines barely alive. The boy died shortly after. The death certificate brought the total casualty count to four in the incident.

Adrenaline rushed her system when she realized this was the boy Roy and Ed thought they’d found. She immediately phoned the front desk of their hotel.

“Drachma Hotel, may I help you?”

“Put me through to Edward Elric’s room and hurry.” She clutched the phone cord as if it were a lifeline while waiting for someone to pick up.

“I’m sorry, no answer ma’am.”

“Roy Mustang’s room then.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She pulled the receiver from her mouth and covered it for a moment. “Damn-it.”

“No answer there either ma’am.”

“Listen, I need to leave a message. This is of the utmost military importance. Do you understand? There may be lives in danger.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

-O-

Ed jogged into the hotel lobby, anxious to see Mustang again even though the last time had brought such bitter pain. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong. As he made his way through the hotel lobby, a front desk employee ran out in front of him and stood directly before him.

“Excuse me, sir, are you Edward Elric?”

Ed tried to look passed him. In his haste, he attempted to dance by him and keep moving toward his intended destination.

The man reached his arm out and waved his hand in Ed’s face, getting his attention.

“What?” Ed asked, impatiently.

“I have an urgent message for you, sir, from a Lieutenant Hawkeye.” He held out a folded piece of paper.

Ed sighed, took the paper from the man, and quickly unfolded it, shifting his body weight from one foot to foot. His eyes read over the note.

Edward,

The boy is dead. The boy you and Colonel Mustang saw at the camp is not who he says he is. Call me right away.

Lt. Hawkeye

“Damn-it,” Ed muttered, side stepping the man and racing toward Mustang’s room.

When Ed arrived at Roy’s room, the door was ajar. He pushed it further open and quickly took an inventory of the room’s contents. Roy was gone. His suit jacket was missing. The half-empty bottle of scotch was still on the table. Wherever Roy was, he must be pretty drunk, Ed thought.

A piece of paper caught Ed’s eye, sitting on the table next to the liquor bottle. He stepped over to it and furrowed his brows as he picked it up. As he read the message, fear and dread crept back into his heart. Nausea took hold of him as the pieces of a puzzle slowly fit into place. As he ran from the room, the paper drifted slowly to the floor.

-O-

Roy slid out of the taxi and stumbled his way through the crowd in the Ishballan camp, trying to locate the coffee stand he and Ed had visited earlier that day. It seemed like it was so long ago. Had it really just been only a few hours ago? How different things had been. He’d been able to enjoy the time he shared with Ed. He really made a mess of things. He could never ask Ed to forgive him for what he’d done. As he stumbled along, the coffee stand finally rose up between the tattered people. “Oh, thank God.”

Roy took a seat at the stand and waited for the man behind the counter to notice him.

“Can I help you?” the man asked.

“Just a coffee, black, please.” He should sober up a bit, he thought.

The man behind the counter poured his coffee and set it in front of him.

After throwing a few coins on the counter, Roy scanned the crowd through his haze, not sure what he’d find. He picked up his coffee and blew across it before taking a sip.

***

After Roy’s second cup of coffee, a hooded figure emerged amongst the wandering Ishballan crowd. Roy recognized the figure. It was the burned boy. The fuzziness of alcohol still plagued his head, but he tried to reason anyway. If they were holding the boy hostage, what was he doing out in the crowd?

The hooded boy swung his arm in a gesture to follow.

Roy stood from the coffee stand, fell behind the boy’s stride, and followed in silence.

Roy neared a vacant doorway shielded by piecemeal houses. Suddenly, a rough yank on his shoulders flung him backwards onto his hind-end in the dirt. Brown clouds puffed around him for a moment. He peered upwards, bewildered and dazed, as a blur of red robe and blonde hair seized the burned boy, reeled him around, and ripped the hood down. “What the hell are you doing?”

Ed focused on the boy he clutched by the robe with his automail hand. “Who are you?”

The boy made an indignant attempt to break Ed’s hold.

Snarling, Ed shook the boy like a rag doll. “I asked you a question. Tell me who you are or I’ll have to hurt you!”

Roy put his feet under him and pushed up, attempting to stand, but fell back down. He looked up at Ed in horror. “Ed, are you fucking nuts? Leave that poor kid alone!”

“Shut up, Mustang, and just sit there like a good Colonel for once.” Ed kept his tight grip on the boy.

Suddenly, the boy’s shape became fuzzy, taller, and long black hair grew in founts down to his waste. Envy glared down at Ed. “Now what’re you going to do, pip-squeak?”

Roy rubbed his eyes, Envy? How could he have been duped so easily? Roy forced himself up and stood behind Ed, glaring back at the homunculus who’d betrayed him, but still not quite able to fully comprehend what was happening.

“How about this!” Ed let go long enough to take a furious swing with his automail arm and punch Envy square in the face.

Envy stumbled backwards before steadying himself and giving Ed a wicked smile. “Not good enough, shit-squeak. But then, you never were good enough, were you.” He took a few more steps back.

Shaking with rage, Ed lunged forward. Strong hands seized his shoulders, stopping him.

“Let him go, Ed. If you start something here we’re liable to alert this whole camp of our presence and we can’t do that. There’ll be another chance.” Roy’s voice slurred against Ed’s ear.

“Yeah, Ed, be a good dog and listen to your master.” Snickering, Envy turned and was gone.

Ed dropped his gaze to the ground, still furious with Envy, with Roy, with the whole situation. He ripped free of Roy’s grasp and whirled around with his hands bunched in fists at his sides. “You really are a bastard. You know that?”

“Ed, I—“

With a grunt, Ed grabbed Roy’s arm and tugged him, like a child who’d misbehaved, back to the coffee stand and beyond, to a waiting cab. He opened the door and guided Roy into the back seat.


Roy shimmied over to the other side. A slight bounce on the seat announced Ed’s presence as he climbed in next to him and shut the door.

Ed sat forward. “Take us back to the hotel.”

“Yes, sir.” The driver put the car in gear and the car began to move.

Roy’s gazes shifted to the hands he placed in his lap. He still needed to come to terms with the ramifications of everything that had happened. What really had become of the boy he burned so long ago? What would become of his relationship with Ed? Ed had probably saved his life when he certainly had no reason to. A gloved hand entered his vision and placed itself on top of his own. The hand gave him a tender squeeze.

Roy let his eyes wander up the arm, wrapped in red cloth, all the way to Ed’s face. His beautiful face, Roy thought. Would he ever be allowed to touch it again, to feel the soft lips against his own? As he drank in the wild radiance of the young man holding his heart captive, an uneasy pain filled his chest.

Ed’s lips curled into a soft smile.

Such a simple gesture it was, but Roy knew it held all the hope in the world.

Ed sat in silence with Roy, holding his hand and gazing out the window. How he ached to hold him, but he couldn’t, not yet. His gut still churned with the hurtful words said earlier.

He struggled instead to understand how the situation must have been for Roy. He’d never realized how bad the war had been for him. He was too consumed by his own little quest.

When the cab pulled up to the hotel, Ed paid the driver, climbed out, and waited for Roy on the other side of the cab.

Roy climbed out and peeked with sorrowful eyes at Ed.

Sighing, Ed took Roy by the arm, led him into the building, and up to his own room.

Once inside, Roy sat down on the edge of Ed’s bed and waited. He kept his head bowed and listened to Ed’s footsteps fumbling around the room, removing his boots and robe.

Ed stepped in front of Roy, kneeled in front of him, and peered into Roy’s eyes for a moment.

Light fingers tapped over Roy’s body before chill air brushed across his skin. Ed undressed him, removing his jacket and unbuttoning and removed his shirt. A gentle touch lay him down on the sheets. The blankets had been folded to the side. Roy’s shoes and socks were delicately removed. Hands touched lightly at the button and zipper of his trousers. He lifted his hips a little as Ed tugged the pants down and off. After turning on his side, Roy gazed out the window while Ed draped the blankets over him. Soft lips grazed his cheek his eyes closed to allow sleep’s embrace.