No Regrets

Roy had had it. All this secrecy, whatever game was being played, it all needed to stop here.

He’d known exactly what he planned to say. He’d get answers from Ed if it meant shaking them out of him. This was for his own good, and why Ed couldn’t see it that way was far beyond him. It was slightly deflating when he got to the door to Ed’s dorm room, only to realize he no longer had the slightest idea what he planned to say. He felt his ego run entirely out of air, flying around the hallway with a squeaky hiss when Ed didn’t even answer the door. Instead, there was Al, staring at him in confusion, and he knew it was confusion even if Al didn’t really have proper expressions.

“Colonel?”

“Where’s…Fullmetal?” he caught himself, and figured he at least had that to be grateful for.

“Umm… is he in trouble or something? He said he was going to go mail the present we got for Winry and go for a walk and he’d be back later,” the words tumbled out in true, worried little brother fashion.

“He’s not in trouble. I just need his help with something,” Roy lied, wincing inwardly. It wasn’t that he liked being dishonest, but he wanted answers and he still believed there might be a good reason Ed was hiding all this.

“Try the post office I guess,” Al shrugged. Roy looked at his watch. The post office had been closed for an hour and a half.

“Thank you,” Roy sighed and ran a hand through his hair, heading back down the stairs. He had a sinking feeling that he really needed to find Ed soon. He would, of course. One building down, the rest of Central to go…

X

The post office was closed, as expected, no trace of Ed in sight. Roy rather wished he had some sort of tracking device because that would make this all a great deal easier.

Perhaps it was only luck that it began to rain when it did, choosing Roy’s path for him, the one that shielded him from it as much as possible. Perhaps it was luck that he finally caught sight of Ed, prowling about what, for all appearances, seemed to be an abandoned warehouse. A blond head ducked, trying to avoid the rain that had already seeped through his coat, hanging red and drooping about his shoulders. He seemed to know his way about, and so Roy only watched, fairly certain he was watching something that had happened before.

Roy watched Ed pad softly through the warehouse, finally coming to a stop at the edge of a faded circle. He pulled some chalk and a small, blue object from his pocket, kneeling beside the circle to touch up the lines. Roy considered barging in now and demanding answers, but the fading on the circle suggest it wasn’t new, and, like his familiarity with the area, Ed had probably done this before. The older man settled for waiting in the shadows, at least giving Ed a chance to do whatever he was going to do.

There was a sharp flash of light and the crackle of alchemy as Ed activated the circle… from inside it. His body trembled in the midst of the reaction and the object he held glowed and pulsed, brighter by the second. It was only then he noticed that Ed’s movements faltered, his mouth dropping open in a silent scream, as if the object he held was drinking in his very voice.

Roy ran for the building, not fast enough, and the transmutation just stopped, leaving Ed in a silent heap at the center of it. He shivered for a moment, cold and wet still from the downpour outside, but after a moment, even that was stilled.

Unsure of what else to do, Roy gathered Ed up in his arms, relieved to feel faint, warm puffs of air against his neck. He considered taking Ed to a hospital, but somehow he doubted they’d be able to help. Ed just seemed to be sleeping, and it would only bring up questions that would do Ed more harm than good. Taking him back to the dorms would only worry Al, and he’d rather not have to face Ed’s little brother without some answers. Failing any other option, and determined that Ed was going to explain what he was up to that left him like this, Roy settled on carrying Ed home.

That, at least, explained his behavior. Whatever it was he was doing was very obviously exhausting, even if it wasn’t lethal. It was no wonder he didn’t have the energy to snip at anyone, lately.

They were both sopping wet by the time he reached his porch. Not wanting to put Ed down, he did his best to grab the keys from his pocket without dropping the younger man, only barely maneuvering them inside without incident.

Roy set Ed down on the couch and went to get towels and a change of clothes. He thought briefly about changing out of his own uniform, but decided against it in favor of tending to Ed before he froze to death. He returned to the living room to find Ed shivering once more, eyes fluttering helplessly.

It was a dirty trick and he knew it, but it could be the best chance he had of figuring out this whole mess. He gently sat Ed up, propping him against the back of the couch, peeling the coat and jacket off the younger man. Ed just stared blankly, conscious, but not coherent, as if not even registering Roy’s presence, let alone the fact that he was being stripped of his sopping clothes. Roy was somewhat glad Ed wasn’t in uniform. At least the leather pants meant he was only half soaked to the bone.

“What were you doing back there?” Roy murmured, tugging at Ed’s tank top until the younger man finally absently lifted his arms.

“Huh?” Ed asked, looking through him more than at him.

“What was that transmutation?” Roy asked again, hoping he’d get some form of actual answer.

“Gonna fix Al,” Ed slurred.

“By killing yourself?” Roy questioned, pulling one of his own t-shirts over Ed’s head. Any other time, he might have been amused by the way it hung on Ed’s frame, even now. Any other time he might have allowed himself a shiver of expectation at the implications of Ed wearing his clothes. This was not any other time, and Roy was worried, and Ed just smiled blankly at him.

“Not killing myself. Still have things left to do,” Ed whispered.

Roy gave up. He’d have to find out the specifics when Ed was coherent again. Until then, he settled for tugging off Ed’s boots and pants, because while the water had slid right off the leather, it seeped from the ground into the lining, pressing cold wetness against Ed’s legs.

He thought briefly about going in search of pillows and just having Ed sleep on the couch, but he was shivering still and if Roy had only gotten there fast enough, if he’d only stopped him, this wouldn’t even be happening. He urged Ed to his feet instead, grateful the younger man was at least walking on his own, even if he seemed hopelessly blank as to what was going on.

Roy herded Ed up the stairs, and down the hall, finally leading him to the bedroom where he flopped on the bed. He tugged the blankets up around the younger man, feeling rather guilty at not having stopped all this when he’d had the chance, having to look at the results shaking beneath the covers in his bed. Ed was still trembling with a cold that wouldn’t go away, like so much had been taken from him, he couldn’t even maintain his own body heat.

He fished another blanked from the closet, but that didn’t help either. He mulled over another possibilities as he changed out of his own, still sopping, uniform. In the end, Roy decided on the only other thing he could think of. He tried to convince himself that it really was the only viable option, that he wasn’t doing it because he wanted to be close, because he wanted to snuggle under the covers with the younger man, wrapping his arms around him like he could protect him from a world of ill.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, not under these circumstances. Roy felt guilty as he pressed against Ed, one hand securely around his back, head tucked beneath his chin. Well, Ed could yell at him in the morning, all red faced and angry. At least he wouldn’t be frozen and alone, the way things would have fallen out if he hadn’t been there. In the meantime, Roy settled for absently running his fingers through Ed’s hair, falling asleep to the pulsing of someone else’s heartbeat against his chest.

X

Ed was still dead to the world when Roy awoke, cursing the alarm clock and his responsibilities to things that weren’t blond and half metal and curled up in his blankets. He turned the alarm off with a flick his wrist, sending the clock flying across the room. Just a few more moments of quiet and comfort and Ed. Roy forced himself not to think about how thin the layers of fabric between them were, the way the heat from Ed’s body was a tangible thing, the way he could feel every ridge of metal and flesh pressed firmly against his chest. Ed’s bare legs were tangled in his own, and now that he’d noticed it, that really was too much, and Roy fled the blankets out of shame rather than desire to do so.

Ed was an adult, and Roy liked to think he wouldn’t entertain this sort of attraction if he wasn’t, but sleep and exhaustion made him look so very young, tucked under covers in a bed far too large. Roy felt absolutely vile for the thoughts that echoed in the back of his mind, the dreams he woke up from to find a metal hand coiled tightly around his waist, like Roy was a lifeline.

He forced himself to stop staring, heading for the phone and making a call to the younger Elric.

“Hello?” Al asked, worry lacing his tinny voice, thick and audible, even over the phone.

“This is Mustang,” Roy replied.

“Oh! Have you seen Edward? He never came home and I…”Al might have gone on in his panicked tangent, but Roy cut him off.

“He fell asleep going through books in my library. I’ll leave him a note to come home when he wakes up,” Roy held his breath, waiting for a reply.

“Thank you!” Al hung up the phone and Roy sank into the chair beside his desk. That was twice now that he’d lied to Al, and there had to be a very special hell for people who could do something as awful as lying to sweet, innocent, Alphonse Elric. He was fairly certain it involved endless paperwork and being chained to a desk and an adorable Al going, “Oh but how could you?”

X

A shower, shave, breakfast, and uniform change later, Ed was still sleeping peacefully in his bed. Roy sighed softly, running a hand affectionately through Ed’s sun dappled hair, scattered across the pillows, and praying he wouldn’t wake now.

He set out a mug and a teabag, filled the teapot with water and left Ed a note where he could find breakfast and a towel and the bathroom. With one last glance back, he taped it to the door handle and shut the door to make sure Ed wouldn’t miss it.

X

Roy tried to get through the day without worrying too much over Ed. He focused on his paperwork until he realized he’d just signed the last sheet and now what was he meant to do?

In the end, he went home early, unable to wait any longer. Even Ed shouldn’t still be asleep, and either he’d have gone home by now, or Roy might actually get some answers.

Ed looked up, obviously startled, by his entrance. He tried to school the smile of his lips at the way Ed’s eyes widened, blush creeping across his cheeks.

“Did I do something… stupid last night?” the younger man asked carefully.

“Define stupid,” Roy responded, watching in amusement as Ed flailed about, hair wet, though he seemed to have laid claim to Roy’s shirt.

“Where’re my clothes?” Ed demanded, trying a different tactic.

“Did you not see them hanging over the chair in the bedroom?” oh this was too easy, and Ed’s face was absolutely crimson.

“I…I…” his mouth opened and shut and opened again.

“You passed out doing some sort of very questionable alchemy and I couldn’t very well just leave you to freeze to death… for my pen’s sake, of course,” Ed’s expression filtered into something unreadable.

“You saw that,” he bit his lip.

“What were you doing?”

“Well, I was reading about this catalyst, sort of an alternative to a Philosopher’s Stone. It feeds off the energy of the alchemist creating it,” Ed explained, and Roy raised an eyebrow, waiting for the part where this wasn’t lethal.

“You do it a little at a time. I mean, it requires a lot of energy to work for something as big as what I need to do with it. You can only feed it for so long before you can’t keep the circle going anymore, but energy is something you can get back, so the effect isn’t permanent. It just makes you tired for a while. I’ve been a lot worse things than tired.”

Roy filled in the rest himself. That transmutation had only stopped when Ed passed out, because Ed was impatient and self-sacrificing and would endure a world of pain and ultimately death for his little brother. Someone who was being sensible could do this with little sacrifice, but Ed was impatient and kept giving energy he didn’t have, and another few spells like that if he didn’t let his body recuperate would probably be more than even he could handle.

“I understand your enthusiasm at having found a possible path towards getting Al’s body back, but I think he might be bothered if you don’t make it to the actual transmutation in your desperation to create this catalyst,” Roy said carefully.

“I… It’s already been too long. I have to do this,” Ed replied.

“I’m not questioning that. I’m just saying you need to be careful,” Roy murmured exasperatedly.

Ed was silent, nursing his cup of tea.

“Thanks,” he said finally, speaking so softly his words were nearly lost before they reached Roy.

“For what?”

“For… this,” Ed made a sweeping gesture with his hand.

“I couldn’t leave you like that.”

“You… sure you could have, and you didn’t have to bring me here and,” Ed’s words were awkward and accentuated by pauses where he bit his lip like he was trying to force something else out along with his gratitude.

“There are more cookies if you want one,” Roy offered, more to save Ed from whatever it was he felt he needed to say than anything else.

Ed glared halfheartedly, searching for words, and finally settled on, “Why are you being so nice all the time, lately?”

“Why are you being so different lately?” Roy retorted.

“Umm, I dunno. It’s just that all this… it’s got me thinking. I’ve been so focused on Al and everything and I haven’t stopped to think about all the other things that… I don’t even know,” Ed finished with a frown.

“Has it occurred to you that maybe I’ve been nice because that’s what you do when you care about someone? I would always have been nice if you’d let me.”

“You were a jerk mostly until recently,” Ed argued.

“You seemed to need it.”

“Did not!” Ed protested. Somehow responding with Did too just seemed juvenile.

“I thought you did at the time,” Roy shrugged, deciding it was the safest answer he could come up with on short notice.

“I don’t now?”

“You don’t now,” Roy confirmed with a smile because Ed was just looking at him, still cuddled up in Roy’s shirt on Roy’s couch, wrapped into one of Roy’s blankets and maybe, just maybe this could work.

“Stay for dinner?” he asked, and Ed gave him a blank look, considering the possible motivations for his request.

Finally, he seemed to come to a satisfactory conclusion, granting Roy a smile every bit as fond and brilliant as the one instigated by snickerdoodles, and apparently far less dessert related because his eyes swept over Roy like a tidal wave, and he wet his lips in something like nervousness before he spoke.

“Sure.”