What I series
Think ~ Heero
Author: Makoto Sagara
Archive: The usual suspects… Anywhere new - please drop me a line.
Series: What I… Series
Category: Angst
Pairing: 1+R, mention of 2x5 and 4+3 and R+4
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: shounen ai, het, angst, language, post EW
Disclaimers: Make no money. Own nothing. Poor me!
A/N: Well, when I started, it was just a little drabble of a thing for some Duo angst release. Then, Wufei decided he needed some air time. Then, Quatre needed to vent, and then Relena needed to scream her way out. Now, it is time for Heero to come out with all his frustrations and resentment so he can feel better. The only now missing is probably Trowa, and don’t think that my muses have forgotten about him.
What I Think
I’ve seen Wufei and Duo go from being perfectly miserable to wonderfully happy. They make me ill and confused at the same time. I recognize my reaction as that as someone who is jealous of their happiness. However, I find it hard that I am coming to terms with actually having emotions, aside from regret and hope.
Yes, I hope. I hope for people to realize that the war we fought was pointless and to learn from it. Hope that the people who were my comrades and enemies alike find peace within themselves. Hope that I can forgive myself for causing so much death and destruction. Hope that I can reach the one that I care for, after realizing it myself.
I think I may love her. Not that she even notices me that way anymore. No, the only person she can see now is Winner. And the only person Winner sees is Barton. I’m not sure what Barton even looks at besides his adopted family in the circus and his cats. Maybe nothing. Maybe he sees it and he doesn’t care.
She still responds warmly when she sees me, her eyes glowing with warmth that makes me want to grab her and… kiss her.
During the war, I thought she was a nuisance. A barrier in the way of my ultimate goal. I tried to kill her twice. She could have died during the fight with Marquise and at the time I wouldn’t have cared. Now, I think that I was just stupid. I was an emotionless monster, unworthy of love or friendship. She was the one that awakened the emotions in me, and now I fear I have lost my chance.
I’ve thought of suicide and decided that it would benefit no one. Not even myself.
I told her that I loved her. She started crying. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but now I know why. She can’t return my feelings. I wanted to comfort her, but refrained from doing so.
I think that I am still a monster. I think that I will never find happiness. I will never be normal. I will always be…
I will always be…
Unloved.