A Cost Too High

Chapter Five

Once inside the hospital room, Ed found himself, again, facing a thin blue curtain, but just as soon as he'd become lost in the waves of fabric, Riza pulled them aside, opening the room to its prior fullness. There sat the General, his body still bandaged, his torso still covered by a loose fitting gown, but his eyes... his face... there was a thin line of gauze covering the worst of it, but it did little to hide the fact that Mustang no longer had a left eye and, from the looks of it, he was damned lucky that he was only missing the one. Weeping stitches and blotches of irritated skin seemed to comprise the man's face and Edward began to feel sick again. He wasn't disgusted at Roy's face, and, in truth, he'd seen much worse before, but this was the man who'd been there for him, who'd come after him time and time again, the man who'd pushed and guided Edward, treated him like an adult... this man. And now he looked utterly destroyed.

Please don't be broken, Ed thought and swallowed the lump in his throat. "You wanted me, General?"

Roy inhaled, stirring from his light dozing and opened his eye. It was strange not to see metal glinting in the light from beneath fabric, strange to see him alone… and… something was missing from those amber eyes. It was the flame, the drive, the life that used to flicker and it made a little piece of the General’s heart break and bleed for the young man standing before him expectantly.

“I did,” It was all he could think to say for the moment. It took him a moment to get his brain working through the brewing fog building from the medication. “Sit down, Ed.” He waited until Ed sat in the chair Hawkeye pulled up for him.

“Do you remember the day not so long ago that I yelled at you for not coming to me for help?” He asked but didn’t wait for a response, “It’s the same now. You’re going to come home with me tomorrow just as soon as the doctor lets me go. It’s not a big place but there is room for you. And like I said before, Hawkeye will be there…” He let out a yawn and shifted in the bed.

“… It’s not a request… And if you’re going to smoke, have Havoc help you find decent ones. You can smoke anywhere in the house but the study…” he looked to Hawkeye, “Make sure he eats something…”

He watched with a sinking heart as the man faded and faded, succumbing to the pain medicine that was racing through his system. Sighing, he folded his arms across his chest. So the General didn't care if he smoked. This alone was nearly enough to make Edward decided against ever having another cigarette again; besides, what fun was rebelling if he received his 'father's' blessing? But then again, he wasn't smoking as a way to piss people off - not really - he was smoking because it was destructive and selfish and made him feel something other than pain.

When the man mentioned Edward coming to live with him again, the teen scoffed. As Mustang told Hawkeye to make sure that Ed ate something, he finally spoke up, "I'm not hungry, General." His voice was a low grumble and was immediately overpowered by the violent growl of his stomach which begged to differ.

"Uh..." he moved his arms lower and hugged his middle. "Fine. I'm hungry. But I'm not going to just move in... I gotta go back to Resembool..." he said this to no one, though; the General's breaths were slow and even. He was asleep.

Turning toward Riza, Edward frowned, "I'm serious, Lieutenant. I know guys have taken care of me for a long time, but I gotta go home. I can't stay. I won't. And that's final." Oh how wrong he was.

*

The next day, Ed stood in the doorway to Mustang's guest room. As it turned out, the idea of going home was a great deal more frightening than Edward could fathom and all it took was Riza staring him down for him to submit to accompany her and the General to his home.

Standing there, he swallowed the lump in his throat. It was surreal. Was this even happening? Never in his life did Ed think he would be living with this man...

Moving toward the bed, Edward dropped his suitcase on the quilt covered mattress. He brought all of his belongings with him; clothes, the few books he felt the need to keep, a journal, a few little items that he and Al had picked up, and, the newest additions, three packs of cigarettes and a lighter. Opening up the suitcase, he pulled out a pack that Havoc had hand picked for him. He dug out a cigarette and popped it between his lips.

Slipping the lighter into his pocket he wandered into the main room, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips in a perfect mirror of Havoc's style. A few moments later he found himself in the General's bedroom. Riza had just finished changing the dressing over the crater where Roy’s eye used to be. He lingered near the wall, feeling like he shouldn't be in there, but not wanting to be alone either.

Roy watched his 1st Lieutenant gather the mess of old bandages and trash from nursing his face and deposited it in the small waste paper basket at his bedside. She was quiet, unusually quiet and he’d not really had the chance to ask her why. It was as if she carried all of his injuries upon her shoulders and he had noticed that she winced every time she looked at the mess behind the bandages. She didn’t wince from revulsion it was something else… almost like she blamed herself for that wound in particular.

That was nonsense, of course, she wasn’t to blame and at any rate she was here now helping him recover and keeping an eye on Edward when he couldn’t. He’d almost made a bad joke about that earlier that morning but thought better of it if only for her sake. It was still so surreal, he wasn’t ready to let go as he’d instructed Edward to do. He couldn’t quite fathom that his life was altered forever and so he put on a mask of indifference and tried to hold it together. After all neither Riza nor Edward needed him to be a mess, they needed him to be strong for them and he needed their need else he might really lose it.

He heard the floor boards at the entrance of his bedroom give a familiar creek as someone entered. Riza looked over her shoulder and frowned, shaking her head and when Roy made indication that he wanted to sit up more, she helped him. He looked for Edward and when he saw him awkwardly standing just inside the door, he nodded to Riza.

“Mini Havoc,” He said with a smirk.

She perked a brow and sighed, “Do you want your medication before or after lunch?”

“Well,” He really pondered the question, leaving her waiting for his answer for a few moments. While he didn’t enjoy the pain and had found a certain peace under the blanket of the pills, he still had some bit of dignity left inside and didn’t fancy falling asleep in his afternoon meal.

“After,” He said finally.

“You’re sure?” She asked hesitantly.

“I’ve got Edward to look after me.” He assured her and motioned for Edward to come closer.

Riza nodded and lifted the trash can from the floor. She paused before Edward. “Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” Then she left them, closing the door just a little bit to give them some privacy.

Roy waited until she was down the hall then reached for his bedside table. Pulling open the drawer, he dug around until he found what he wanted and set it on the table top. He reached into the drawer again, retrieving his own pack of cigarettes and finally closed the table up.

Quietly, Roy took out a cigarette. It was one of the more expensive brands but since he only had one once in awhile he’d felt paying a little extra was worth it, especially since this brand didn’t dry out as quickly as some of the others. He shifted a little bit to provide a little more room.

“Are you going to smoke that or let it hang there?” He asked and reached for the two things he’d brought out. The first was a heavy, carved crystal ashtray which he placed on the bed near his hip. The second was a small, round lighter placed in a round, carved crystal holder. Roy used the lighter to light his cigarette and then held it out for Edward.

“Come here, Ed,” He said softly, “Have you had a chance to explore the house yet? You’ll have to forgive me for not giving you a proper tour.”

Ed held the small lighter in his left hand but resisted lighting his own cigarette. It was strange to see the General smoking and in that moment he thought how odd it must be for Roy to see Edward smoking.

With a shrug he replied, “Don’t worry. I can get into plenty of trouble without you showing me where it’s at.” Tilting his head he mused, “I never thought I’d see you using a lighter. Thought flame would just shoot from your fingertip or something.” It wasn’t meant to be harsh, though there was a good chance it sounded as such.

After a moment longer of fondling the little lighter he lit the tip of his inferior brand cigarette and took a long drag. “I can’t believe you smoke in the house.” He half grinned as he shook his head. “Heh, can’t believe I’m smoking in the house. Winry would not approve.” He took another long puff off the cigarette and then seated himself in the chair that was most likely Hawkeye’s post. “Does the Lieutenant know you smoke?”

Roy bit back a hiss of pain as he leaned over and gently pulled the lighter from Ed’s hand. He knew that sometimes people made off with lighters without intending to and he didn’t want this one to go missing. He ignored the comment about his use of the thing instead of alchemy because he couldn’t bear to even think about such a thing at the moment. Frankly it was all he could do not to send Edward from the room, skip lunch, and demand the pain killers so he could be lost in sleep. Then again… sleep was starting to scare him. He dreamt when he slept now, at least in the last day or so.

No, he needed to stay awake as much as possible when Ed was awake so he could keep watch and be there for Edward when it was time for Ed to break. He knew it was coming, he could feel it be it in the young alchemist’s aura or just from past experience. Ed was like him in a way, hiding his real feelings, pushing the matters of the heart and any suffering he had as far back so no one could see it and if a little slipped out he held everyone at arms length, pretending that nothing at all was wrong or that it wasn’t a big deal.

“She knows but she also knows that I am not a career smoker like Havoc. The only thing she asked was that I didn’t smoke cigars around her.” He replied and then sighed deciding to test the waters a little.

“I think I would enjoy bed rest and being waited on hand and foot more if I didn’t ache so much… By the way, how does it feel, your arm and leg? Aside from being different, are you doing okay there at least? If your body hurts I want to know so we can get that problem solved, the rest will come in time.”

Roy reached for Ed’s hand and grasped it, “I’m not asking you to tell me anything, not yet, I’ll leave that open for you to decide when. Just know you can come to me for help or just to talk; no jokes, no sarcasm from me. You’re one of mine, Ed, and believe it or not, that does mean something.”

‘How does it feel?’ Ed pondered the man’s words and was trying to think of a way to describe the newness, the strange guilt that came from the existence of his arm and leg. He’d been about to respond when the man suddenly touched him and spoke to him. Immediately Edward’s cheeks heated in frustration. He wanted to tell the General about the under ground city and about Envy and… about dying. He wanted to tell him all of this, but it just wouldn’t come to his lips. It was stuck inside him with no way to get out. Randomly he thought of Rose. Where was she now?

“Heh,” he said weakly and pulled his hand away from the General. “My arm and leg…” he began, “feel almost as disabling as when I’d first been fixed up with auto-mail. It doesn’t hurt, really. It’s just a little sore and my weight’s off, which means my balance is nonexistent. I feel like… I feel like I’m going to have to relearn everything.” He sucked on the cigarette for a moment and coughed just a bit as his throat was tightening.

“It’s scary. And it shouldn’t be. Do you remember when you first met me? How messed up I was, and then a year later, I was on my feet and ready for anything? Most people take three years to heal and retain their bodies after auto-mail surgery, but not me.” Holding the cigarette now, he watched it sizzle and turn to ash without bothering to smoke it. “So now it seems like I’ll be doing it all over again, but it’s worse, because, before, I had a goal. I had a reason to heal,” he said almost in a whisper, “and this time, I don’t.”

He was quiet as he pressed the ashy length into the crystal tray and then wrapped his arms about his middle. “General,” his golden eyes lifted and he stared intently at Roy, “I appreciate what you’re doing for me and it’s good to know that I have someone I can talk to.” He took a breath, “But it goes both ways. I… I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore, Roy,” he looked down at his lap and swallowed several times as he forced himself to finish speaking, “I don’t know what kind of help I can be, but I do know what it’s like to wake up and find that a part of you is missing.”

He frowned as a small internal spasm pinched his left leg. Standing now, he walked to the window and tried to stretch the muscle. He slid his hands in his pockets and glanced at the General, “So if you ever need to talk… I’ll listen.” Strangely enough, it felt good to offer such a thing. Perhaps it was because it permitted avoidance – if he was worried over Mustang’s problems, he couldn’t worry over his own – or perhaps he really did feel for the General.

The absurdness of the situation made Roy chuckle, so they were hiding behind each other’s pain; using the other as an excuse not to venture into the dark places and really look at their own problems.

“Don’t take this wrong I’m not laughing at you, Ed, I’m laughing at us. You know we’re pretty similar in a lot of ways. Hawkeye would call us childish and stubborn, Hughes would say the same.” He took a drag off his cigarette and skirted the real issue for just a moment more, “But since we have a few things in common we must be brilliant and charming and of course good looking…” But his smile faded and he nodded, “I’ll keep that in mind and for the record… It is… comforting, having someone on equal footing to confide in. But if you punch me, I’ll punch you back, deal?”

Ed blinked at the man and tilted his head. He wasn’t sure what the man meant by talking about exchanging punches; sounded like an inside joke. “If I punch you, you won’t be able to punch me back.” He grinned and then nodded, “But, yeah, it’s a deal.”

Deciding not to sit back down just yet he lingered at the window and then crossed the room, moving toward the closet. He peered inside, looking over the man’s wardrobe. It must have looked pretty suspicious of him to look through his General’s closet like this, but he needed something to occupy him and keep him moving.

“As for charming and all that, I think that’s where we are definitely not alike. I recently had a love confession from that girl from Liore. Her name is Rose. She was with me d-during… well… during everything that happened,” he hoped the General would understand what he meant by that since Ed really didn’t feel like painting him a more vivid picture.

“Anyway, she told me she loved me and I basically told her she was nuts.” He cracked a small smile while still looking at Roy’s clothes. Ed had seen the man dressed as a civilian before and there was a fair amount of off-duty clothing present, but the amount of Military garb outnumbered it fair and square. This man truly was a General first and man second.

“I’m sure if I was as charming as you, I could have come up with something a little bit better than ‘you don’t know what you’re saying, we’re just friends.’” He sighed and turned to look at Roy. “You know, you’re pretty helpless right now. You should have Hawkeye move a cot in here so she can look out for you.” And then something heated inside him and in his embarrassment, he just made it worse, “Or, hell, the bed’s plenty big enough. She wouldn’t even need a cot.”

Roy smirked, “Well hell, Ed, if she’s moving in here and sharing my bed why don’t we move you in here with me too.” He was joking of course but Edward was snooping in his closet for whatever reason and it made him a little uncomfortable. There wasn’t a damned thing that would fit the blonde alchemist in there and if he was looking for something secret or interesting he was really out of luck.

“And what do you mean I won’t be able to hit you back? What makes you think I would attack when you are expecting it? What are you doing in my closet?”

“Um…” Ed closed the door suddenly and stepped back from the closet. Moving closer to the bed, he furrowed his brow and shifted his weight between his legs, almost nervously.

“I’m paranoid.” He offered at last. “And I guess I’m a snoop. That’s how it’s always been; I’ve always pried, always found things I shouldn’t. How do you think I found out about alchemy? I slipped into my father’s study after he abandoned us… and that’s when I opened my first alchemy book,” he stopped and stood before his seat.

With a sigh he plopped down and slung a leg up over the arm of the chair so that he was sprawled comfortably. There was once a time when he would sit in Mustang’s office and have to recount ‘this and that’ and explain spending and damages left in his wake during his hunt for the stone. He would sit proper most of the time, but there were times when he felt particularly childish and he sprawled out on the couch and rolled his eyes to his superior’s words.

Eager to forget thoughts of his father and of alchemy, he shrugged, “And as for all three of us in one bed… I guess that’s alright. I’ll bring my stuff in here this afternoon. There’s not much, just some random crap from my locker at Headquarters. I’m sure it would fit in your closet, under that pin stripe suit you’ve got in there.” He paused for a moment, taking in Roy’s expression and then he offered a cheesy grin which lasted only a few seconds and then fizzled away until all that was left was Ed's grief.

Any quip or clever sarcastic remark Roy had, died on his lips. It had been nice for a moment to joke with Ed, to actually joke with him like he’d joked with Maes. And it had been nice to see Ed’s grin once more but it all faded away too soon and the moment when they just were, just two men talking and kidding around, was gone. The room fell quiet.

Livi, Roy’s cat made her appearance, pausing to investigate Ed’s boot, and then sitting on the floor beside the bed. “Meow” she said stating her presence and her need for attention. Roy pat the bed and she jumped up and made herself at home on his lap. She didn’t sit right away, but stood there eyeing him expectantly until he pet her.

Thankfully Hawkeye entered with a tray of lunch, three bowls of soup, one for each of them. She set the tray at the end of the bed and examined them both. “Did something happen?”

“No, we were just talking.” Roy replied.

“Did I interrupt?” She asked.

“No, is that vegetable soup?” He asked catching a whiff. “What do you say to all three of us sharing a room?” He’d say anything to break the unease within the room and gain some form of normalcy.

“Neither one of you are up for that and frankly neither am I. Eat your lunch boys.”

Ed was appreciative of Hawkeye’s interruption. He wasn’t particularly hungry but the soup was a good way to forget the stupid things he’d been talking about as well as the stupid reference to Rose and her awkward love confession. It occurred to Ed that Roy had probably received about a million such confessions in his life and he didn’t care to hear about some kid’s singular encounter. Hell, the General hadn’t even commented on it.

After seating himself he took a tentative spoonful of the soup and then several more until the warm, tasty broth filled his tummy. Cooking is just like alchemy, Ed thought. He tried to compliment Hawkeye on her amazing alchemy skills in being able to make a bunch of vegetables taste like this, but she shrugged and explained that the soup was ordered from a nearby restaurant. Apparently it was a place the General frequented and he was fond of this particular soup.

Immediately Ed felt stupid but he didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if he was supposed to know where Roy spent his off time, and he certainly wasn’t supposed to know what the General fancied as far as food went.

When he’d eaten over half the soup, he rose and excused himself. Returning to the guest room he plopped down on the bed and pulled out a cigarette. He smoked it slowly and he watched the smoke as it coiled and dissipated. Alchemy. Alphonse. Already he regretted eating as much as he had because he knew that before the day was over he’d be in the bathroom retching. What a waste of good soup.

A few hours later, after his mind went down the treacherous path of ‘how the hell am I gonna tell Winry?’ he was, indeed, in the bathroom, leaning over the toilet. It was his intention not to let the First Lieutenant know, but she must have overheard for she entered the bathroom just as he was finishing. She brought fresh towels, a glass of milk and a few pills that Roy’s doctor had said would help with nausea.

“Here, take these and then take a bath.” She ordered.

Reaching out, Edward found that he was shaking. His whole body was shaking and he winced just a bit as he took the pills from her. “Thanks.” He was about to reach for the cup of milk, but when he realized what it was; he dropped his gaze and grumbled, “I’d rather just have water…”

“No.” Riza said sternly.

“I hate milk!” Ed protested.

“Edward, milk is the best thing for you right now. First of all, it’ll help settle your stomach and second of all, your body needs it. You have a lot more organic tissue than you used to and if you want to keep your new appendages healthy, you’ll drink this milk.” Her voice was stern but not angry. Her eyes, however, had murder in them.

With a groan, Ed took the glass and then took the pills, sucking in as little of the cow juice as possible. When he tried to hand it back, she just glared and shook her head. Edward felt almost ready to cry.

“Drink it.” She commanded.

Under his breath, he grumbled, “If milk’s so damn amazing, why don’t you make the General drink it?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I will. In the mean time: drink.”

Whimpering now, he pinched his nose to try and block out some of the taste and then gulped the milk down in a matter of seconds. As he handed the glass back to her, he couldn’t suppress an expression of absolute disgust.

“Thanks, Edward.” Riza said softly, a smile now upon her lips. “I’ll start the water for you.” She said and moved to the large tub. “I’ll come back in a little bit to check on you. I’ll wash your hair again if you like.”

“Uh…” Ed wore a sullen expression but nodded, “yeah. I’d like that.” In truth, he felt rather infantilized that Riza felt the need to watch him and bathe him, but there was something he felt even more and that was loneliness. He’d let her burp him if it meant he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts. Usually Al would be with him. Al was always there, in everything. Suddenly Edward was all alone and it hurt him on such an intense and constant level that it frightened him.