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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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The Road to Kindness

Chapter 8

Part 19
　

"I don't care about your assurances," a deep, male voice snarled, jerking Duo from his deep sleep.

His body tried to flinch, even as he quickly realized that the voice sounded very different from Wes', but he only did so very weakly, which alarmed him more than the voice. His body felt sluggish, and it was hard to open his eyes, but he could sense light beyond his eyelids, and someone close to him, a familiar smell.

"And I don't care for your tone," a female voice snapped back.

'Mom?'

No, it wasn't Name, but he didn't feel as threatened by this voice as the male's, who's he also recognized.

"Stark, keep your voice down," another female voice, this one sounding weary.

The hospital. His home away from home recently. He recognized the second female voice as Wufei's mother's, so the first female voice must belong to Dr. Stephenson. But what were the two doctors doing here...

'But where is here?' he thought in bewilderment.

It had to be his bedroom at the institution, he couldn't think of any other place they would have him laying down on a bed. But he wasn't strapped down, he could move his arms, just not very well. They must have sedated him if he was finding it this hard to move, he recognized the effect of drugs well enough, but why? A hand that had been holding his tightened its grip as Duo tried to move. He opened his eyes to bright, burning light and winced.

"It's ok," Heero assured him softly, sitting on the edge of his bed, "Don't try to move too much."

Duo was too happy to see him amidst the chaos that his bedroom had become to care about anything else and he smiled at him. This seemed to ease some of the stress in Heero's face and his best friend gave his hand another comforting squeeze.

"You aren't his doctor yet," Stark yelled at Lian.

Duo could hear bitch in his tone even though the doctor didn't dare to say it. Lian seemed to hear it, too, and glared at him. Duo couldn't tell which of the two doctors looked more angry. Stephenson looked at the two of them hopelessly, like a mother trying to decide how to separate her two sparring children. Off to the side of this throng of doctors, Trowa looked on as a silent observer, or perhaps a referee.

The longhaired boy could not, for the life of him, string together the events that had led to him having so many people in his room, and Name's absence. Why was Trowa here, but his mother wasn't? None of it made any sense to him. The last thing he could concretely remember was going outside to the Atrium. Had he experienced another short term memory loss or was this something more serious?

"I'm here as a friend," Lian snapped, "and I don't think Ms. Yuy would approve of you striding in here and demanding things that aren't yours to decide."

"I was asked here to monitor him," Stark sneered at her and turned his steely gaze to Stephenson, "You're the one who decided to sedate him, which I agreed to do, now you're ordering me to leave?"

"I will not restrain him," Stephenson said slowly, as though she were repeating herself and tired of doing so, "I have already said so and you shouting at me will not change my mind. Duo is heavily sedated, there's no reason to use restraints as well. I asked you to leave because your behavior is not constructive, or professional."

"So you've said," Stark said heatedly, "We thought the same thing during surgery, right before he plunged the scalpel into his leg. And weren't you also the same person who assured me that he would not be able to harm himself here, that you would be monitoring him, and yet in the week he's been here, you have made zero progress. If Mrs. Yuy and yourself can't make these decisions, then maybe someone should be appointed his case who can."

"There was no reason to expect he would do this," Stephenson protested, "Duo has been a model patient up to this point."

'What did I do?' Duo wondered in confusion. What could he have possibly done to make everyone so agitated.

Stark snorted.

"You call yourself a doctor, but you can't even control one boy."

"And if it were up to you, he would be in isolation twenty-four-seven," Lian accused, "or keep him sedated. What exactly would you have them do?"

"For starters," Stark said snidely, his voice tinged with that banal cruelty Duo was so used to from him, "I fail to see the reason why he," he pointed an accusing finger at Heero, who looked as startled as Duo did, "is allowed here at all!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Trowa growled lowly, finally speaking up, "Heero is Duo's best friend, he has as much a reason to visit him as any of us!"

'You can't split us apart, I need him, please,' Duo tried to force the words out, struggling to sit up as much as he was struggling to speak, but his muscles, like his voice, did not want to cooperate under whatever drugs they had him on.

"Does he?" the doctor said, not to Trowa, but to Stephenson, "You said yourself that he does as much bad as he does good for Duo. You even contemplated the idea of separating the two of them."

'Stop,' Duo squeezed his eyes shut, finally managing to sit up right even as Heero grabbed at his shoulders and pleaded with him not to move. His throat felt raw and twisted as he tried to yell at the arguing adults.

"An idea that I decided would be against Duo's best interests-," Stephenson argued.

"Clearly you don't know what those are!" the male doctor nearly roared, "Any idiot can see that Heero is one of the main reasons for his panic attacks and this kind of self-destructive behavior! From the moment this family has stepped into his life, he has been on my door step! They might not be responsible for his physical condition, but they are surely responsible for his mental one, which you agree with!

"Partially-" Stephenson started to say, looking almost as frustrated as Duo did, her voice rising in agitation.

"Any sensible person would have separated them from the start! Heero is obviously making him more stressed, not less, if after all of this time, you still haven't been able to get through to his anxiety."

'No, no, no,' Duo chanted silently, 'You don't understand, it isn't Heero, if you take him away...'

Tears that were painfully silent, a betrayal to the wave of misery that he felt, slid down his cheeks. They were going to take Heero away, they were going to refuse to let them see him, all because Duo couldn't say what he should, confess what he needed to, to get them to understand. Because of this damned muteness, he couldn't even try to make them see how much he needed his best friend here with him, even for just these short visits. Heero would be gone, and it would be all his fault...

"Heero isn't making Duo hurt himself!" Lian snarled at Stark, getting truly infuriated with him, "If you separate them, he might never get better, this violence will only escalate!"

"If you believe that, then it only confirms my belief that the two of them should be as far away from each other as possible," Stark growled, "That kind of co-dependency is sickening."

Duo shook his head, his fingers clawing at the bed sheets as he silently screamed in desperation to get Stark to shut up, to listen to him while he had no words to say. He didn't know if Stark really believed in what he was saying, or he was just trying to hurt him for reasons he never fully understood, but if he made sense to just one person... He tried, harder than he had ever tried before, to get his dead voice to spark to life. He had to, he had to tell Stark how wrong he was, that his problems were his own. He had done this to himself, he had taken that last step and now, he was paying the price, not Heero.

Trowa watched in alarm as Duo's face, now bright red, contorted into an expression of heart-breaking hopelessness and self hatred as he tried to speak. In that expression was also one of physical pain, as he tried to get his throat to work, but the force of it was only harming him. He realized it then, seeing not just how this muteness was hurting his friend mentally, but was actually causing him physical pain. He didn't know if Duo realized it, but a mental part of himself was actually trying to make him suffer by causing that pain whenever he tried to speak. He had seen it before in the other times Duo tried hard to talk, but never at this length. Something in him was trying to punish himself, trying to distance him from Heero and the other people he loved, just like he had after the kidnapping in Boston, but a thousand times worse.

"Duo!" Lian cried out in alarm as the longhaired boy nearly doubled over, gasping silently in exertion.

"So, there's no reason to restrain him?" Stark said snidely to Stephenson, but she ignored him.

Lian got on her knees next to Duo's bed and grabbed his shoulder.

"Duo, it's ok," she tried to soothe, "you have to calm down."

She touched his arm and for the first time, Duo realized that there were thick bandages around, not just his right arm, but his left as well. He blinked down at her in confusion, his throat throbbing and raw. He could even taste blood, or maybe he just thought he did as he looked at the white bandages on his right arm, and the spots of blood that were getting bigger as he watched. He looked at Heero, his violet eyes wide with fear, part from the thought of his best friend being removed because he had had a fit, and partially because he didn't remember what he had done for those bandages to be there.

"We're not going to make him leave," Lian promised him, still lightly touching his bandaged arm until Duo relaxed his fists, "I promise."

Duo let out a shuddering breath and Heero held his hand again, now that it was relaxed, smiling at him through his own anxieties. He didn't know how to comfort his friend, what to say to Stark in Duo's stead to convince him that there was no way in hell he was telling him that he couldn't see him while he was here.

"Right now, you are the one that is agitating him," Stephenson hissed at Stark, "not Heero. You might be his doctor, currently, but this is my ward, and you need to leave."

Stark looked like he wanted to argue with her more, but thought better of it, between Trowa's poorly concealed anger and the united front between Lian and Stephenson. With him gone, Stephenson and Lian turned their attention on Duo, who felt incredibly dizzy and drained with Stark out of the room.

"Here, lay back down," Heero urged and helped him as Duo found it hard to move still.

"The drugs will wear off in a few hours," Stephenson told him, "I'm sorry, but we had to sedate you. I didn't want you to hurt yourself further."

Duo looked down at his bandages again. The bleeding seemed to have stopped, but the blood was dark. Whatever had happened, it had been worse than stabbing himself in the leg. He made a motion writing motion with his left hand to Stephenson, his eyes pleading. She hesitated, unsure about giving him anything, but grabbed his computer from the desk and gave it to him. Duo struggled to type on it. The drugs made his movements slow and he knew that he shouldn't be moving at all, that all his body wanted to do was shut down until they were out of his system, but he was too stubborn, and whatever damage he had done to himself, he was starting to feel it. He didn't feel pain, but he did feel that something was wrong with his arms.

'What did I do?'

He didn't want to know, he didn't want to face the reality of how screwed up things had gotten, how screwed up his head was. He didn't want to accept the possibility that he was too far gone to be helped, that Wes had played this final game with his head. After everything he had gone through, he could never accept that now, when there was some sort of light in his life, that Wes had won.

Stephenson and Lian looked at each other mournfully, hesitating in saying anything.

"We don't know exactly," Heero was the one who spoke up, stroking his hand lightly as he told him what Stephenson had told him and Trowa when they had shown up, "They found you in the art room... you were cutting yourself with a pair of scissors..." his voice wavered a little, then he fell silent. He relinquished his hold on Duo's hand to let Lian unwrap the bloody bandages from his arm.

"You were unresponsive," Stephenson continued softly, "It was like you were sleepwalking. Stark says that he witnessed the same behavior when you stabbed yourself. We were able to get the scissors away from you and sedate you fairly easily, you didn't seem to be conscious enough to realize what was happening to you, only concerned with trying to harm yourself. What is the last thing that you remember?"

Duo winced as Lian finished unwrapping the bandage and felt the bandage tug on some part of his arm, probably one of the wounds. It didn't hurt, it just felt weird.

'I was in the atrium,' he typed, 'The last thing I remember, I had-'

His eyes widened in shock. He had fallen asleep. Just like in the hospital, he had lost consciousness and hurt himself. But this was even worse. He had, in his sleep, sought out the best way to harm himself. He had left the atrium, gone all the way to the art room, and found one of the few pairs of scissors that was sharp enough to damage himself with. What the hell was wrong with him? If he was that psychotic, what was stopping that part of him from killing himself?

Why didn't it just take him over, completely break what was cracked and fill his psyche with complete insanity? Why this push and pull between who he was when he was asleep and who he was while he was awake? He wished he could talk to that person in his head that took control when he wasn't conscious and demand that it stop this, that it would just let him go home. He looked down at his arm, naked and unwrapped in the bright, overhead lights. It looked white and bloodless, entirely not at all like his arm. Blood was splashed over some of the skin in patches and the light made the cuts look ugly.

The cuts weren't as deep as Duo had feared, but there was something about them that was terrible to him. He heard Lian tell him that the damage wasn't as bad as it looked, that there would be minimal scarring and no permanent damage, but her voice was like white noise. At a glance, the cuts, where they were and their angles, looked totally random. The attack of a madman. But Duo saw what Lian and Stephenson and even Stark had probably overlooked.

The new cuts traced over his old wounds, the cuts that the wires Wes had bound him with had made, with eerie precision and perfection, with one difference. They were deeper. He had reopened the cuts like someone trying to drain pus from a closed wound, and had made the damage worse instead of better. As he stared at them, he could see the ghosts of the wires, binding him, he could see Wes' face, so full of rage and evil. He could see the man choking him and he could see himself clutching the knife in his hand.

Stephenson looked alarmed as the color drained from Duo's face and he looked sick and waxen, like a doll. This was her first time seeing him like this, but Heero and Trowa were used to these moments, when their friend's dark thoughts overwhelmed him and panic seized him like a snare. Trowa stepped to the other side of the bed and gently touched Duo's cheek, making him turn his head and look up at him. Almost the second his wounds were out of sight, Duo seemed to recover, like he was waking up from a nightmare. Trowa studied his face, trying to read what the boy couldn't say and didn't see anything that he liked.

"Can we have some time alone?" the green eyed boy asked Stephenson, "Just the three of us?"

The psychiatrist chewed on her lower lip, mulling that over. Dr. Stark had a serious attitude problem, but even she had to admit that he was right in this case. Not about separating Heero and Duo. The more that she observed them together, the more that she believed her choice to allow Heero to visit was the right one. When they were together, Duo seemed much more confident and connected. But Stark was right, she had underestimated this situation. She had thought that if they just restrained Duo at night, these self-violent episodes could be controlled. Now she was afraid that she had made a huge mistake and wondered if by restraining him, all that violence had pent up into... this. Or perhaps all of these episodes had the potential to be this serious, this was just the first time they had happened in an isolated setting.

Either way, keeping him restrained at night was not the solution. She almost shuddered as she remembered the sight of her patient covered in blood, digging the sharp blades of the scissors into his arm with all of the concentration of a surgeon, with the exception of the glazed, almost unseeing eyes. Stephenson had seen dozens of disturbed children and teenagers cut themselves, but never like this, never with this kind of careful, deliberate intention.

She couldn't risk another incident like this. The only reason why those cuts didn't need stitches was because an orderly that had been making his rounds had walked in on Duo. They had been lucky, and Stephenson refused to let her patient's welfare rely on something like that. Still, she didn't see the harm in giving him some time with his friends. The poor boy looked like so many children she had seen with post traumatic stress disorder, shell shocked and tired and scared, it was the least she could do for him.

"Alright," she agreed, "but not too long, I want him to get some rest."

"What do I need to do with his cuts?" Trowa asked.

"How good is your first aid?" Lian asked skeptically, recognizing the diversion tactic for what it was.

"I grew up in a circus. I used to help my sister take care of the animals, I know my way around cuts and bruises," he assured her.

Duo shot him an annoyed look.

'I'm not a tiger,' he typed and Heero could almost hear his friend's voice in his head, giving those typed words a pouting tone.

"I also took care of the other performers, Duo," his tall friend shot back flatly.

Stephenson smiled at their banter, relieved to see how just this short banter with his friends was making the boy more relaxed and open. She wished that she could have seen him before he had made friends with Heero, to see how he had changed so she could get a good idea of what he needed, and what needed to be changed. She ushered Lian out the door, even though the doctor still seemed concerned about leaving them when Duo�s wounds still needed to be dressed.

With the two women gone, Trowa examined the cuts on Duo�s arms. He had thought they were ragged when he had first glimpsed them, but under the overhead, white lights, he saw that they were clean and had been done by a steady hand. That worried him more than anything Dr. Stephenson had told them about this incident. His friend�s skin looked like a doll�s, white and waxen. When he finished putting on the antibacterial ointment on the cuts, Duo didn�t flinch or make any indication of how much it had to burn. He looked deep in his thoughts, and every time those violet eyes found his wounds, they were tinged with some dark fear that Trowa couldn�t quite place. Was he afraid of hurting himself again, or was he simply afraid of the reason why he had hurt himself?

�Can you feel that?� he asked as he pressed down on one of the smaller cuts.

Duo nodded.

�Does it hurt much?� Heero asked.

�Not really,� the longhaired boy confessed, �the drugs take the worst out of it.�

That came as a relief. Trowa knew that the cuts weren�t deep enough to cause nerve damage, but Duo was so far away from them, he couldn�t help but worry. Trowa wrapped up his arms with an air of practice and skill. His fingers were long like his legs were, but they were gentle and capable. Even with the cuts covered, Duo�s eyes lingered on his arms, which Trowa easily noticed.

�You know why you did this, don�t you?� he asked softly.

Heero looked startled by the possibility that his friend wasn�t as in the dark about this as they were. He knew that Duo was keeping something from them, but he had looked so confused, so scared when he had learned what he had done to himself and to Stark. But now, at Trowa�s question, he only looked away from both of them, at the wall. His expression was guilty and full of fear once again.

Heero felt a pang in his heart. It seemed like there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say lately to get rid of that fear and unsurety. He felt like he was faltering as a friend, unsure of his role here, beyond just holding Duo�s hand. After some time Duo finally looked at Trowa and nodded. It did nothing to relieve either Trowa or Heero. Heero realized that he didn�t want to hear the answer, not if it made him look like that, not when he knew it would be just another near-impossible hill to climb.

�And you know what these mean,� Trowa continued in that soft tone of his, his long fingers tracing over the area where the worst of the cuts were on his left arm.

Heero didn�t understand the difference between those two questions, but Duo seemed to, and nodded a second time. He thought that he should say something to his best friend, should comfort him or be the one to talk him through this, but he was struck, as he had been in that past, by Trowa and Duo�s friendship. His old friend had this strange ability to bring the darkest secrets out of his new one, to see inside into those hidden places and reach in. Heero knew that what he had with Duo was special, that their friendship, although short, had grown deep, and that the American often felt as though Heero were the only person he could really confide in, but he also recognized kindred spirits when he saw them. He stayed quiet, knowing that Trowa might have the greatest success of drawing this out of Duo.

�They�re where I was cut when I was kidnapped,� the longhaired boy typed, �I cut myself in the same exact spots.�

It was so strange typing that. �I cut myself.� He knew that he had wounded himself. There was no one else but him responsible, no unseen entity, no aggressor. Just him. He had always known that, but to actually see it on the screen was the oddest thing for him. It struck him, just how stupid and crazy he was. He felt like there really was an alien thing that was calling his skin its home, forcing him to do these things.

�Duo,� Trowa grasped his hand, the Italian�s green eyes boring into his own, �please, you have to tell us what happened to you. Tell us something, anything. We know that Wes was the one who kidnapped you. We know that he hurt you, more than the bruises and the cuts, and that whatever he did to you was so terrible you can�t speak, and you keep trying to subconsciously punish yourself. We want you to come home, we want to help you. We can�t do that if we don�t know why you�re in so much pain.�

Looking into those deep, soft, green eyes, the words that Trowa said he wanted to hear were on his mute tongue. All of the things that Wes had done and said and promised him, the loneliness and fear and confusion he had felt� and the end result that had found him in Heero�s room, senseless and clutching that bloody knife all wanting to spill out into the air. He shook his head.

�I can�t,� he typed.

�Why?� Heero asked in desperation, �Duo, you know you can tell us anything, we�ll never be ashamed of you, we�ll never judge you.�

Duo looked at him and there were tears in his eyes and Heero realized in horror that that fear was now directed at him. He felt like his stomach had just dropped into his shoes. The only other time he had ever looked at him like that� was when he had hit him.

�Please don�t make me.�

Heero ran a hand through his dark brown hair and Trowa sighed, the both of them knowing that with those simple four words, Duo had won. Trowa knew that even if he tried to force the issue, which with that look in both of his friends� eyes he was not comfortable with doing, Heero wouldn�t let him. In his love for Duo, Heero was worse than his mother, wanting to protect the boy, even against his best interests if they had the possibility of hurting him. Duo saw his vulnerability as weakness, but Trowa recognized it as the powerful force that it could be.

Heero lightly touched Duo�s braid and was overjoyed to see that fear melt into relief and affection. He didn�t need to tell Duo that he wouldn�t make him tell them, wouldn�t push him when he wasn�t ready to be pushed, the boy understood.

�You look tired,� the Japanese boy noted the circles under Duo�s eyes, �I thought they were sedating you at night.�

�They do. I don�t sleep well though. I have nightmares. I sleep because of the drugs, but it never makes me feel rested.�

�Are you and Dr. Stephenson talking about the nightmares?� Heero asked.

Duo nodded. His nightmares were one of the few things that he could talk to the doctor about, since they were so vague.

�I don�t remember a lot of them,� he typed truthfully, �But we discuss the ones I do. I�m sorry, we haven�t gotten very far-�

Heero put his hand over Duo�s to stop his typing.

�You don�t need to apologize. I know this is hard, and you�re trying even though you aren�t comfortable with talking to a complete stranger. I know you miss all of us and want to come home, but we don�t want to force you to say anything that you aren�t ready to say either.�

�I miss you,� Duo mouthed and Heero�s smile was both warm and heartbreaking.

�I miss you, too,� he murmured and saw how deep his friend�s tiredness ran. He felt that same exhaustion, and hadn�t been sleeping well either.

�Your cuts aren�t serious,� Trowa interjected, starting to feel a bit awkward, like he was looking in on something private, �You could have done a lot more damage to yourself than you did in the amount of time it took for you to be discovered. I don�t think you have ever been trying kill yourself.�

�It doesn�t matter. Even if I�m not trying to kill myself, they won�t let me go home,� Duo pointed out.

�Of course it matters,� Trowa chided, �You won�t tell us what the problem is, so even something like that helps lead us in the right direction. And it puts our minds at ease.�

Duo frowned. It didn�t matter to him if in these fits he was trying to kill himself or just trying to hurt himself. Either way it was crazy, a symptom of a broken mind, and he wouldn�t be able to go home like this. He didn�t see how this could put anyone�s mind at ease, either way he was damaging himself, cutting himself into pieces, and at some point, if just one time someone did not come to his rescue, he might make himself bleed to death. It was disconcerting. He had decided that he wanted to live, that he wanted to throw away that part of himself that had always succumbed to hopelessness. It was like some part of him was rebelling against all the healthy decisions he was trying to make.

�Where�s Mom?� he typed, not wanting to talk about his injuries, or the reasons behind them, anymore.

He had no clue what time it was, if Heero and Trowa had already been on their way to visit them or they had been called because of this incident, but it unnerved him a little that she wasn�t there in either case.

�She apologizes, but it looks like she won�t be able to visit you today,� Trowa explained, �A last minute meeting came up.�

Duo raised an eyebrow at that. It seemed like she was going to more and more meetings lately.

�Is something wrong?�

Heero and Trowa shared a look and for a moment Duo was annoyed that they might not tell him something important.

�It isn�t a big deal,� Heero assured him, �It�s just� concerning what my uncle did��

�Is he trying to get your mother demoted again?� the longhaired boy�s fingers flew across the computer�s screen with a lot more deftness than someone who was supposed to be sedated should be capable of.

�No, it isn�t that,� Trowa said, �It�s the opposite actually.�

�Grandfather is concerned about Uncle�s actions and behavior towards my mother,� Heero told him, �He wants to take away his chair on the board and his shares, at the very least.�

�That�s good, isn�t it?� Duo questioned, �Then he can�t question her leadership anymore.�

Not that he thought Mizu would. He had put everything he had into this scheme, but his father had more sense than him, obviously. Duo didn�t think that another attempt would yield anything either, but he easily remembered those black eyes looking at him, and the contempt and superiority in those depths. Taking away the power of a man like that could only be a good thing.

�Name is worried of what he will do if he is driven into a corner,� Trowa pointed out, �His action might seem extreme to us, but Mizu actually treaded very lightly because he didn�t want to get on his father�s bad side and lose his position in the company. If his status is taken away from him, he will no doubt blame Name. There�s no telling what he might do in retaliation.�

�Basically,� Heero sighed, �It�s a no win situation. Grandfather can�t just let my Uncle get away with this action unpunished. It would send the wrong message to his subordinates and members of the board. They might think that Grandfather is playing favorites or there is some validity to Uncle�s claims and he is trying to cover it up. But if the punishment is too severe, Uncle will find some way to lash out, maybe even try to convince other board members of his ideals and cause civil war within the company. The last thing Mom needs is people losing faith in her strength, absolutely nothing will get accomplished.�

Just thinking about the politics involved made Duo�s head hurt. Name was always so sure and strong, conducting her business with all of the iron will of a Valkyrie, while somehow straying far from being cruel. She made managing that huge company seem easy. It reminded him of how Wes had been able to lord over so many different avenues, all those drug deals, brothels, money laundering, and who knew what else he had done. Duo hadn�t understood any of that either without getting a migraine trying to. It would have been a mistake to see the man as a thug, but he knew that much of the police force did, and that was why they had never caught him.

His former guardian�s power hadn�t just been fear and force and death. Wes had been brilliant in his own way, able to manage so many underlings, transactions, and wealth for so many years, without a single chink in his armor. Name had that similar, unwavering ability. The both of them were� had been masters of human behavior and finance. Her mind was just made for it, he supposed, and couldn�t imagine it being anything but a huge stress for her.

�Don�t worry about it,� Heero chided him lightly, �Mom will find her own answer, as she always does. You just focus on getting out here, ok? Don�t worry about any of us.�

Duo nodded.

�But how is everyone doing? You guys never tell me,� he dared to type.

He wasn�t an idiot. His friends and mom visited him every day, but all they ever talked about was him. How he was feeling. How his cats were doing. Was he sleeping? Was he dealing with the restraints and solitude ok? How were his therapy session progressing? But they never talked to him about what was happening in their lives outside these unchanging walls of his, beyond the most utterly banal of things. He knew that they didn�t want him to feel more anxious about getting out of here than he already was, or make him feel lonelier, but even if it made him long for things to go back to normal even more to the point of pain, he didn�t want to become disconnected from the people he loved anymore than he already had. He had spent weeks being disconnected from them in that closet, the notion of going back to them, of being a part of their lives again made his skin itch with eagerness and desperation.

�Everyone is fine,� Trowa said with that soft, kind smile he seemed to reserve only for Quatre, Duo, and the animals that he took care of, which recently included Duo�s cats, �It�s been very boring without you. Quatre and I have been going out a lot, walking around the town and taking long rides. Sometimes we even manage to bully this one,� he jerked his thumb at Heero who looked sullen, �into coming with us. Wufei comes along with us sometimes, too. He hasn�t heard much from Fai recently, but he�s been spending a lot of time helping out his parents around the house and trying to find a part time job.�

Duo looked curious at that. Wufei never really seemed to need much. Whenever they went shopping, the Chinese boy always followed them around silently, touching this thing and that, but Duo could count the times he had ever bought anything on one hand. It was mostly books, or when they went on movies together. Duo didn�t really know where he got the small amounts of money from, if it was allowance or he did chores around the house, but he never seemed to need any more of it, especially not enough to seek out a job.

Wufei spent most of his time, when he wasn�t hanging out with them, reading various books, some his parents had gifted him with here and others he had brought to America with him. Even if his friend didn�t know what he wanted to be in life, Duo knew that he would be great no matter what he chose. He was always studying any thing he read, he would probably get into a great college. He couldn�t imagine why he would want to spend time working some boring part time job if he didn�t really need it.

�I honestly don�t know what he�s thinking,� Trowa admitted, �All of the jobs that someone his age would be able to get, he will hate, and he knows that. I�m sure that any money he gets, he intends to use to get Fai out of China, if Fai eventually decides to leave his family.�

Duo nodded. He had been wallowing in his own problems for so long, even before his kidnapping, he had nearly forgotten how heart broken his friend must be over his boyfriend. He wished he could have done more, convinced Fai not to leave, but he knew how complicated the situation was. He knew, very well, no one could survive only on good intentions, that no matter how hurtful your family was, leaving them entirely was even more painful. Plus gaining citizenship these days was expensive and difficult.

He wanted to tell Wufei that if it really came down to that, he was sure that Name would help Fai financially, but he couldn�t assume that. He thought of her as his mother, but he wasn�t a Yuy. He was just as poor as he had always been, and really couldn�t help anyone on his own. At the same time that it made his heart ache knowing that Wufei and Fai were apart, he suddenly realized what balm on his own soul it had been to think about his friends if only for a moment. For the first time since he had been committed, he felt like things were as they used to be.

�I�ve been thinking a lot about what we talked about before,� his tall friend continued, �About me going to college.�

Trowa seemed almost shy as he said it.

�Did you look at those veterinarian schools I told you about?� Duo typed.

Heero was totally lost as the two of them talked. He had had no idea that his friend was interested in that sort of thing, but it made sense. Quatre was only a year older than Duo, he should be going to high school along with him and Heero. With his wealth, it was easy to forget that. His blonde friend had been coddled and home schooled by the most brilliant tutors money could buy since he had been six years old. In both education and just natural intelligence, Quatre was further along than most college graduates. Heero had never had any tutors, his mother had believed that going to school with his kids his age would be good for him and give him some perspective instead of living in a shell.

Trowa had been mostly home schooled, too. His entire family had been traveling circus performers, touring Italy, France, Spain, and other European countries that opened their cities for the troupe, so to simply go to a public school had been an impossibility for Trowa when he had been little. He had been taught by everyone in the troupe, whatever subjects they were good at, and had learned a lot of useful things that few public schools could have taught him anyway.

After his parents had died and his uncle had become his guardian, he had stayed in one place long enough to go to school. But thanks to his bastard of an uncle, and the recent loss of his mother and father, plus being wrenched away from the family he had known his entire life, Trowa had developed a lot of behavioral problems in school. He had become quiet and withdrawn, falling far behind his classmates. Even after his uncle had been arrested and he had gone back to live with his sister and the circus, Trowa had not spoken a word to anyone for an entire month.

The way that Catherine had told the story to Heero once, part of the troupe, a Swedish man named Stephan, had been in charge of training the large cats they had had; five lions, two leopards, three tigers, a surly one eyed cougar, and a prima dona black jaguar. Despite his sister�s refusals, Stephan had tried to take Trowa under his wing and let him help train the felines. Trowa had taken to it better than any of his other tasks at the circus. Catherine had worried deeply about it, imagining her little brother, whom she had just gotten back, being devoured by one of the huge cats. When morning she had found the boy sleeping with his back to their largest male lion�s cage, well within range of one it�s huge paws or a quick, deadly nip, she had been horrified. But Trowa had just blinked up her sleepily and told her good morning for the first time in years. After that, he had started talking again, not very often, but he spoke when he had needed to.

So, Heero had known for a long time that his Italian friend loved animals. All he needed to do was watch him take care of Duo�s cats or the one that they had adopted from him. That he wanted to go to a vet school was not at all surprising, but that he was looking into going to college was. Between Quatre, Heero�s issues that led him being moved from school to school, and his family life had had Trowa never in one spot for long enough. Besides that, he personally did not have much money.

Because of Quatre�s own responsibilities, if Trowa had wanted to go to school, it would have meant them being separated for quite some time. Heero remembered them fighting about it before, neither of them necessarily wanting to be separated for that long, but Trowa hated that Quatre was paying his way, and Quatre hated that Trowa wouldn�t let him pay for his education, a job, or whatever he needed to progress in his life. For Quatre, it was a gesture of love, for Trowa, a well meaning cage, and his blonde lover just couldn�t understand that.

When Trowa and Quatre had moved in with them, Heero had assumed that it was just a temporary thing, that they were visiting him to see how he was doing in his new home and spend some time with him. But now they had lived here for over half a year and didn�t appear to have any desire to move on. It was probably the longest the two of them had stayed still since they had started dating and Heero did not know yet what the implications of that would be. They offered Duo even more stability, which both of them understood, and with everything that had happened, they had both felt the same fear and loss that Heero had, the same desperation to be with their American friend.

Maybe that was why Trowa was considering going to college, because he was facing the possibility of putting down his roots here, or maybe it had been on his mind all this time, just waiting for the right moment to emerge. He hoped that whatever doubts his green eyed friend have concerning his education and his relationship, Duo could put to rest, or at least temper. He didn�t want Quatre�s reliance on Trowa, the one person that had helped him with the conflict between his self identity and his father, to keep Trowa from feeling fulfilled.

�The local ones don�t look that great,� Trowa replied honestly, �They�re more like trade school, or first stepping stones for those that need financial aid. Angelus University, that one in Bangor, looked a lot more promising.�

�It�s expensive,� Duo confessed, �and a long commute from here, but it has a good reputation. If you�re serious about wanting to get into veterinary care, and don�t want to look in another state, I think that one is the best option.�

�Thank you, Duo,� his tall friend patted his hand, �I�ll think about it.�

Trowa was smiling softly at him, and it made the long haired boy smile a little, too.

�They�ll be coming back in soon,� Heero warned, realizing that they had been in here by themselves for quite some time, �before I forget��

He dug a cell phone out of his pocket and handed it to Duo. His friend took it gingerly, looking confused.

�Mom wanted to give this to you herself, but she didn�t want to wait any longer,� Heero told him, �I couldn�t find your old one on you and we wanted an easy way for you to get a hold of us.�

�If anything were to happen.� Heero didn�t say it, but Duo knew that he and his mother had been thinking about the possibility breaking in here, or sending someone to do it for him.

�It broke,� Duo typed on the computer as he examined the new cell phone, not explaining how it broke and knowing that he didn�t really need to.

His old phone had been thicker, an older styled one that Name had just bought him for emergencies on a whim. This new one was slim with a clear, plane glass screen like how Quatre�s computer was, and a black backing. With just a tap of the screen, the key board, another simple glass face, slid out from the bottom. Even though it was nicer than his other phone, it reminded him of how he had felt when Wes had crushed his old one. That phone had saved his and Heero�s life when Chris had left them to die, so it was hard not to feel the loss of it. Realistically, it was just a small thing in the long line of things Wes had taken from him, so why did it bring this terrible wave of bitterness out in him?

�I already put all our phone numbers in there,� Heero said, �I don�t care what time it is, if you need to talk to any of us��

Duo smiled at him.

�Thank you, Heero, and thank Mom for me.�

�You can thank her yourself,� his best friend admonished, �She�s going to try to be here tomorrow.�

Duo stiffened a little at a knock at his door. Dr. Stephenson came in, all by herself, Mrs. Chang having left to return to her duties.

�I�m sorry, but Duo needs his rest. I�m going to need to sedate you again,� she told the violet eyed boy, actually sounding apologetic.

�I understand,� he typed, but he seemed quiet and morose suddenly, if such a thing was possible to tell with his muteness.

Trowa leaned over and kissed the top of Duo�s head, making the other boy blush a little.

�We�ll be back tomorrow,� he promised, like he always did, �If you like.�

He didn�t ask Dr. Stephenson if they would be allowed to visit tomorrow, after this recent turn of events. Duo nodded. He didn�t know what was going to happen, what his doctor wanted to do now that things had gotten this far, and it scared him a little thinking about it. His world had been turned upside down again, and all he could do was grasp at every little thing that had remained the same.

Trowa left, nodding to Duo�s doctor, but Heero lingered behind, watching his best friend struggle to put his new phone safely into the drawer of the table next to his bed. He looked so tired, fumbling with the drawer, wincing as the motion of pulling it open pulled at his slashes, his hands weak from the blood loss and drugs remaining in his system. Again, not for the first time and in their friendship and most likely not the last either, Heero wondered if his friend was on the verge of breaking. He had, in parts, and this latest� whatever this was, was certainly not the first time it had happened, but he was still here, still with them. If not whole, the most important parts of him had remained in tact. But for how long?

�Dr. Stephenson, I know it�s against procedure,� he said slowly and cautiously, �but I would like your permission to stay with Duo tonight.�

Duo�s eyes went wide at that, while his therapist looked pensive and hesitant, Heero took that as a good sign. At least she was considering what he was asking instead of an outright no.

�It is against procedure,� she said firmly, �You aren�t a patient here, and therefore not subject to a lot of our rules. Duo�s room is going to remained locked tonight, as we do every night. After this latest attempt, we cannot risk the possibility that in one of his trances, even sedated, he,� she looked at Duo, speaking as though she were asking him a question, �might be able to get out of his restraints and leave his room.�

�It�s possible,� Duo typed, �my father taught me how to pick locks and get through certain methods of restraint. I might subconsciously be able to do it. I don�t think I could, those aren�t the kind of restraints he taught me to get out of, but it isn�t impossible I guess.�

Dr. Stephenson looked hopelessly perplexed by his statement, unable to understand what he was saying. She knew a little about his relationship with his �father� thanks to Mrs. Yuy, but couldn�t fathom why he would teach him any of those things. Heero knew his friend well, though, and he knew Wes well through him. He knew that Wes hadn�t just had Duo whore for him, that the bastard had forced him to peddle and move drugs for him, help conduct subterfuge against what police Wes hadn�t bought off, and who knew what else. Heero had no doubt in his mind that Wes had taught him to pick locks to steal, and to get out of restraints like handcuffs on the chance that another john would have tried to steal Duo, or he had been arrested for hooking, just never the restraints that he had put on Duo himself.

�I don�t mind,� Heero assured her, �I just want to stay with him tonight. I will leave first thing in the morning, if that�s what you think is best. I�ll respect all of your rules, I�ll even help make sure he doesn�t have another incident tonight.�

She regarded the Japanese boy for a moment and it made him feel like he did when his mother looked at him like that, trying to decide if he was guilty of something.

�Is this what you want?� she asked Duo softly.

He nodded.

�Please, Doctor,� he begged, �I�d rest a lot better if I knew Heero was watching over me. I won�t feel comfortable having an orderly watch me when I sleep and I�ll feel anxious about having another fit.�

Stephenson sighed and Heero knew that they had her.

�I can�t spare a bed for you,� she warned Heero, �and I need for you to stay here the entire night, not just because the door will be locked. I would like you to keep an eye on him, see how he acts when he�s asleep and let me know if he see anything I might need to know, if that�s ok,� she asked Duo.

Duo knew it for the soft-handed blow that it was. She didn�t want him to feel that she was asking his friend to spy on him, but it was also his fault for not telling her what she needed to know to help him, so Heero was the last avenue that she could go through, besides installing cameras in Duo�s room. Duo was kind of scared of anyone seeing what he was like when he went into these fits. He didn�t want to know, and he especially didn�t want to see it, let alone let Heero see it. Would he give himself away, would Heero be able to tell what Duo refused to tell him? But he was so scared. Scared of falling asleep, afraid of being alone. He needed Heero, for as long as he was willing to stay by his side.

�Ok,� he typed.

�Thank you,� Heero said solemnly.

�Don�t thank me, you�re going to have a long night,� Stephenson warned, �You�re the one doing me a favor. If we don�t figure this out, I�m going to have to take more drastic measures,� again her eyes looked to Duo, almost as if she were cautioning him of what would happen if he didn�t start being honest with her, �Just don�t tell Dr. Stark I did this. That man is insufferable when he does get his way. I don�t know what you boys did to him, but I hope it was something really good. He�s been a thorn in pediatrics for years.�

Heero chuckled.

�I promise, neither of us want to talk to him anymore than we have to,� he vowed.

�Good,� she took a red, hand-sized case from her lab coat and withdrew a syringe, �Now, I know you hate needles-�

Duo sighed in submission and presented his arm for him. She smiled warmly, patting him on the shoulder. Heero held his other hand. The longhaired boy winced when the needle went in, but that was the only sign he made that he was uncomfortable. His friend went to the bathroom and Stephenson checked his bandages before she left, locking the door closed behind her. It would have felt like she was his jailor, and this room his cell if Heero hadn�t been sitting by his bedside.

�I�m sorry,� he told Heero, �It isn�t going to be very comfortable.�

�I volunteered,� the Japanese boy reminded him, �I want to be here, stiff back or not,� he squeezed Duo�s hand.

�Thank you.�

Heero smiled at him, wishing that he could give him more than that.

�It will be ok, Duo,� he promised, �I know you�re scared, we all are, but we�ll figure this out, even if you won�t tell us what the matter is.�

Duo nodded, but it did little to make Heero feel better. He couldn�t imagine how frightening it had been for him, learning what he had done to himself, that the enemy he was fighting in here was not Wes, but his own self. He could say things like nothing had changed, but hearing that his friend was certain of the reason why he was hurting himself, and was mute, but refused to tell anyone out of fear and shame did not just hurt. It rattled him. Every instinct was screaming at him to help his best friend, but how could he do that when Duo was valuing his secret more than his freedom and mental health?

�Sleep,� he urged, �I�ll watch over you and make sure nothing happens, ok? Do you think you can?�

Duo nodded, making a face like he was chuckling, though it was soundless, like everything else he did.

�Don�t think I have a choice,� he pointed out, already starting to look drowsy.

The drugs were hitting him hard now, probably because of the blood loss. He was scared of what would happen in his sleep, but he trusted Heero to watch over him, like he always did, and it was getting hard to keep his eyes open. He gestured to the cuffs attached to the bed that he was always secured with at night.

�I know,� Heero said sadly.

He wished that it could be avoided, but he didn�t know what Duo was like during these fits, if he was as calm as Stark claimed, or if he exhibited more aggressive behavior. He just couldn�t risk the possibility that Duo might be able to over power him, or sneak past him. This was the safest course. Heero secured Duo�s thin wrists in the cuffs, feeling like the worst sort of person as he did so. He just kept repeating �it�s for his own good� over and over in his head. He helped him get comfortable, as much as he could restrained like that, and placed the computer on the bedside table.

Duo looked up at him with half lidded eyes that were slightly glazed over from the drugs, but they were still beautiful. Heero was suddenly struck by an anger that was very deep, but not aggressive or with rage. Just anger at all of this. Looking at the boy he loved, tied down and drugged, he remembered Trowa�s smile. A smile that he hadn�t seen on his tall friend�s face since Duo had been kidnapped, a smile that not even his own boyfriend had been unable to bring out in him.

Heero leaned over, brushed Duo�s bangs back, and kissed him on the forehead. It was so like what Name would do, for a moment Duo could see her in him, very clearly.

�We need you to come home,� his blue eyed friend whispered, and Duo shuddered, but in only had partially to do with the feel of his lips on his skin.

Not just him, or his mother, but all of them. This balance they had found here� this� family they had somehow formed out of dust and chaos, needed him back, not here in this place.

�I want to, I want to come home, but I don�t know how,� Duo wanted to say, but he was falling, his eyes closing, and he didn�t have the computer anyway.

�Why won�t you tell us?� Heero�s voice in his head, although he knew it wasn�t really his friend�s. It was that other voice.

�Because I can�t bear to lose anything else,� was his last thought before he let himself be swept up.
　

End Part 19
　

These shorter chapters certainly feel less stressful to me -_- So, I think from now on I�m going to post these in 20-30 page bursts, depending on where the action breaks end up.
Hiatus point is quickly approaching us, and I have to admit I�m pretty excited to be starting two new arcs! One will be a futuristic arc dealing with anthropomorphic characters, so fairly sci fi without it being very futuristic. The stories in this one are meant to cross over, so for the gundam wing versions they will be missing� quite a lot of detail, so I suggest reading the original versions on fiction press if you like them enough. The second arc will be more fantasy based, dealing with mythology, werewolves, demons, stuff like that. And of course I will be posting more updates of the other stories.
　
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The Road to Kindness