Quatre Winner\'s Diary

Quatre Winner\'s Diary: April\'s Fools

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Friday, April 4th
4:12 pm

Seems Duo and Heero had another fight last night, but Duo\'s not telling me what this one was about. At least he didn\'t walk out this time, and it was over by the morning. Sometimes I think they fight just so they can have make-up sex.

Duo\'s not talking much about it, but he did mention it when I said he looked a little tired. Which means that this is bothering him a lot. I\'m not a psychologist by any stretch of the word, but I think that Duo still has abandonment issues, even after all these years with a stable family. A few of those foster homes really did a number on him. There was one family that outright said to his face that they didn\'t want him because he wasn\'t good enough, and that was before they hit him. They really get great people to be foster parents sometimes.

Any yahoo can have a child; they don\'t even need a willing partner. Basiy, ay, anyone that wants to take in a foster kid gets one, unless they have a documented history of child abuse. But you practically need to give a DNA sample to adopt, or at least that\'s what Howard says. I don\'t know if Duo just had bad luck and found every bad home there was, or if there\'s just that many people in the foster care system that have poor character. Either way, it left him feeling pretty worthless for the most part. Add to it that he hasn\'t had a stable relationship since college, and the string of worthless men that just wanted to fuck him, well it\'s no wonder that he\'s feeling depressed about this.

I\'m just getting worried. I should be. Heero has no idea what he\'s dealing with. The way to get Duo to do something or change a habit isn\'t to fight it out of him; I should know, I lived with him for four years. You need to sit down and rationally explain why it\'s bugging you and what you\'d like to see changed. Yelling only makes him think he\'s been bad, which he associates with unloved, and he gets scared that he\'s going to be alone again.

I can remember him locking himself in his room back in college after one of the numerous fights with Wufei. \'Fei has a temper, which he loses quickly, especially if he hasn\'t had enough sleep, and it was usually Duo thatppedpped him off. Duo\'s a pretty non-confrontational person, he\'ll fight you tooth and nail, but he hates doing it. Like there\'s still this little part of his brain that tells him that if he does, no one will want him, so he hides from ispecspecially right after the fact.

For the first few months of school, he\'d go take a walk. Nothing to worry about, just a simple walk. We always knew he\'d come back; he left all his stuff. It wasn\'t until finals rolled around that things got a little more than tense. That\'s when he took to locking himself in his room. After break we thought it\'d get better, but it was too cold outside for him to walk after a fight, so he just holed himself up. I think it was around February that I got fed up with him shutting us out, and after some minor blowout between him and \'Fei, I crawled into his bedroom window. I got a thorough to las lashing for that little stunt, but I also got him to talk to me and kind of convinced him that we weren\'t going to stop being his friend because he used the last of the milk. And he knew thawas was stupid enough to pull stunts, so he left me in when I asked.

Things got a little better after that. He didn\'t hide from those small fights. Every time it made me mad, though. We\'d sit in his room, all the lights out, and I\'d just hold him, so he\'d know that we wasn\'t alone, and every time I\'d get a little more mad. People can be cruel to kids, especially little kids who don\'t know their mothers or fathers. All he ever really wanted was someone to love him. Howard was lucky that he found Duo when he did. I have a sinking feeling tha a f a few more years there wouldn\'t have been anything left to save.

Maybe I should sit down and explain all of this to Heero. I love Duo like a brother and I\'m happy that he\'s found someone that cares enough for him to put up with the shit, but Heero doesn\'t know about all the nights that I shared a bed with his boyfriend, just so he knew that someone would be there in the morning. Unfortunately, Duo\'s not the kind that\'ll talk about that stuff too much. He\'d never had mentioned it to me if I didn\'t pry, but I felt it was necessary. I hate seeing people suffer, especially if I can help. And I know I can help here, at least before either one of them damages the relationship beyond the fixing point.

8:11 pm

So here\'s a quandary: what do you do when your boyfriend\'s ex asks to \"talk\" to him? Especially if that ex is the one who took his virginity. Ralph\'s in town and wants to talk to Trowa about something important, and right now I feel like banging my head into a wall or something.

I heard several times that you never forget your first, which is part of the reason that I\'ve waited so long. If I\'m never going to forget that person, then I want it to be someone who I don\'t want to forget the next day. So I\'ve been trying to figure out what kind of man Trowa wouldn\'t want to ft, at, and I can\'t come up with anything less than amazing. I know he\'s going to handsome. And probably intelligent. I bet he was amazing in bed, too.

And then there\'s me. Over-stressed, over-worked, sheltered little rich boy. I\'m too short and pale from so many hours spent behind a desk. My hair\'s got this annoying texture which is something between wavy and curly. I look like I\'m still in high school. And I\'m a virgin. I don\'t think there\'s going to be any way in hell that I can compete with this other guy.

And I know I\'m going to have to compete. Exes never come around for a \"talk\" unless they\'re going to beg to be taken back. I can just see it now. Ralph\'s going to come into Trowa\'s apartment, in his devastatingly handsome way and ask for Trowa to take him back. Then they\'ll fall into bed together and wake up the next morning all sweaty and glowing. And I\'ll get a \"Dear John\" letter. It\'s just how it always works.

And you want to know why? I\'ll tell you why. It\'s because Trowa\'s not attracted to me \"like that.\" It took two months just to get to a kiss, and he\'s never shown any other signs of sexual attraction except once, and I think it was because I woke up next to him. I look like a teenage boy, even though I\'m twenty-four. I hardly have any hair on my body. Yes, I do have to shave my face, but only once a day, not several times like some guys. I look like a baby, and nobody wants that.

Why else would it have taken him two months to kiss me? Heero kissed Duo even before they became a couple. And they had one of those really hot kisses that people share in movies; we\'ve only had a peck and a few chaste closed-mouth kisses.

But I have to look at this logically. Even if he wanted me, it\'s not like I could fulfill those desires. Not just because I\'m inexperienced, but because I\'m still too nervous about the whole thing. Yes, I almost fucked Dorothy, but that was partly because I wanted to prove that I was straight and not because I was ready. I\'m not ready. Not yet, but I will be. It\'s just going to take a while.

You know, I can\'t blame Trowa for wanting to leave me. He needs someone who can take care of his needs, both physically and emotionally. And if Ralph can do thwellwell I\'ll just take the break-up like I have all my others and move on with dignity. Yup, I can do that.