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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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The Road to Kindness

Chapter 8

Part 21
　

Name could count the times she had been this anxious on her hands; the night before the wedding day, the day Heero had been born, the night her husband had passed, the night Duo almost died in this very same hospital, when her son and Duo had gotten kidnapped in Boston, when he had also gone missing just weeks ago, the night he had returned to them, and now.

As she walked through the hallway to the psychiatry wing's security gate, she glanced at the blue walls with disdain. In the nine days that Duo had been here, she had come to hate that shade of blue and hoped that today would be the very last day she would have to look at those walls. Heero had told her all about Duo's miraculous speech recovery and how he had slept several hours without any problems, as well as Dr. Stephenson telling him she wanted to repeat the results of the previous night, but without any of them being present and that Duo had ok'd it.

She wanted to be mad at him for taking such a risk without even talking it over with them, but she understood. Duo always acted so independent and he was very used to taking care of himself. Wes had controlled him, ordering him around like a slave or a pet, but he had also expected him to be strong enough to take care of his own needs to the point of neglect. She had made very sure not to treat him like that, which she supposed had been a bit cruel at first, thrusting the boy into a situation that he had been thoroughly unequipped to deal with from the first day he had come to live with them, but it had been important to try to get him out of that terrible habit. She hadn't coddled him, that would have been irresponsible and hurtful for him to treat him like a helpless child, but treating him like an adult would have been just as bad.

Duo still retained his independence, his desperation to prove that he could fix his own problems, even as he was opening up to them more, more ready to admit when he had had enough and needed that child inside of him to be sheltered, but it was that desperation that had gotten them into this situation to begin with. Duo's need to be strong, and more importantly to prove to them that he was still strong, had made him walk home from school that day, to put himself in a position to be kidnapped, and it was what had made him make this recent decision of his, she was sure. She was also sure that he had worried that telling them about it would have only resulted in them convincing that child in him that he didn't need to do it, that they could care for him and find another way. He obviously hadn't wanted that, and he had obviously had the resolve to see this through, so she couldn't really be mad at him for making such an adult decision even if she was upset at being kept in the dark.

She also felt guilty that she hadn't been there for him when he had hurt himself so badly, or when he had started talking again, but the businesswoman in her knew that it couldn't have been helped. Mizu was still putting her life through the wringer even after their father had dismissed his claims. It was frustrating. She had fought so hard to keep this little family together and functioning, she kept her family's business running, but the opinions of the board and her brother's attitude problems were the one thing she couldn't change. But it wasn't like she could sit back and not act on them, either. The same was true about Wes. It frustrated her beyond belief that for all her money and power, she couldn't fix this, but she would never stop trying. With every investigator she had sent after him turning up dead or missing, she had wondered if she should just stop. She had felt like she was sending lambs to the slaughter, even if they had been willing to do it. But how could she have? It had been one of her children's lives on the line. Now that Duo was back and it seemed like all her efforts had been pointless after all, she felt foolish.

After he had come back, she had sent out another investigator, hoping that in his frantic search to find his escapee, Wes would make some kind of mistake or be easier to track, but the man hadn't found anything more than the others had. Her only solace was that he was still reporting in to her and hadn't vanished. Was Wes simply too busy trying to get Duo back again that he couldn't be bothered to dispose of her investigators, or had he finally realized that he couldn't win and had moved on? Given what she knew about him, she didn't think that was very likely.

"Hello, Rob," she greeted the guard at the guard station.

"'Morning, Ma'am," he smiled at her warmly.

There were six men that worked the guard detail at the psychiatric ward, a different pair every day, and Name had become well acquainted with all of them. They had been intimidated with her at first, not sure how to act towards the powerful CEO, but they were so used to seeing her now and realizing that she was no different than the other mothers that came here to visit their troubled children. He buzzed her in automatically without paging Dr. Stephenson like they always did. Usually, he would tell the doctor that she was here and Stephenson would ask for Duo's permission to have her visit. That he hadn't done that either meant something very good, or very bad. She took a deep breath and entered the ward. It would do no good for her to dwell on unpleasant possibilities.

Dr. Stephenson's assistant, a light haired brunette in her early thirties, was waiting for her in the reception area. She didn't seem stressed and smiled at Name brightly. She decided to take that as a good sign.

"Hello, Mrs. Yuy, Duo and the doctor are waiting for you in her office," she greeted pleasantly.

Name raised an eyebrow at that, having expected to meet them in Duo's bedroom or the reception area but simply followed her. As they neared Stephenson's office door, Name could feel her heart race, a mix of anxiety and yearning. Like never before, she missed Duo. Seeing him once a day was more cruel than it was a balm. It just reminded her that when she got home, although her son was there, whole and healthy, there was something missing from her life. She had told Noventa and her brother that Duo was her child, that she loved him and he was forever a part of her family, but she had never realized the absolute truth of that until she had suddenly found him cruelly ripped from her life.

Duo was her son, and she would do anything to see him home again. If Stephenson told her that Duo still couldn't come home... it would kill her just like it had the first time. She didn't know if she could do that again. For all her strength, when it came to that boy, she just felt weak and vulnerable, just like she did whenever Heero was hurt. She chided herself for thinking like that. She had agreed to have Duo admitted here for his own good, and logically she knew that this was the best thing for him, but it hurt so much.

"Oh, Duo, it isn't your fault," she could hear Stephenson's voice through the door.

Name felt her breath get stuck in her throat as she waited to hear a second voice in that room, the voice she had wanted desperately to hear ever since Heero had gotten that phone call in London, and each second that she heard only more silence was terrible, like a vice around her heart. What if Duo had lost his voice again and he was back to using the tablet again? The assistant gripped the knob on the door and Name had the impulse to tell her not to open it, but only felt ashamed of it. Even if Duo couldn't talk, even if he had to stay here longer, she loved him and wanted to see him, especially after he had hurt himself two days ago.

"Of course it's his fault," a male voice snapped.

Name blanched, hearing a voice, instead of the one that she wanted to hear, that was completely unwanted.

"The boy slashes up his arms and then, in the course of two days, convinces you that he should be released!" Stark ranted, "You call yourself a doctor?! You've accomplished nothing in all of this time! Either he's pulling the wool over your eyes or you're completely incompetent and just want him out of your hair!"

The doctor sounded even more pissed off and petulant than Name had heard him be before. Accomplished nothing... that didn't sound good to her. She couldn't tell if Stark was just full of hot air or if that meant that last night hadn't gone well.

"Watch your tone," Name heard Lian snap at the man and was relieved at her presence. The other mother would be able to tell her what the hell had gone on in her absence.

"I am sorry that you don't understand my decision, Dr. Stark," Stephenson said in a cold and almost arrogant tone, "but I'm not all that surprised since you aren't qualified to make any judgments about my patient's mental health."

Name nearly laughed at the therapist almost rising to Stark's childish level with that quip, but then they were walking into Stephenson's office and she suddenly didn't care about any of them. There was only one person she cared about.

Duo was sitting in one of the chairs in the office, watching the adults fight over him like a bunch of dogs with a large bone. He wasn't saying anything or trying to argue with Stark, which immediately worried her, but she knew how he was when adults, especially men, started yelling near him or about him. He did look a bit scared and nervous, but otherwise he looked healthy. She could see the clean bandages around his arms, which made her heart ache, but he wasn't pale or shaking. His eyes were alert as they darted from speaker to speaker, his braid clean and she could tell that he had done it himself from its weave. He was wearing a clean pair of jeans and one of the t-shirts she had brought him. His right leg was moving up and down in agitation, one of his nervous habits, and he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else than this office.

"Mrs. Yuy," Stephenson said before Stark could yell back at her.

Duo looked over at her, his violet eyes instantly brightening. He bolted from the chair and wrapped his arms around her, Name naturally meeting his tight embrace, feeling a burst of happiness just being so close to him.

"Mom!" he cried out, his voice a little bit rough either from the emotion filling it or from disuse, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

If possible, she hugged him even tighter.

"Oh, baby," she felt tears pricking her eyes and didn't even care if they fell or not, "it's so good to hear your voice."

In record time, her mind did the logical math. Duo could talk, and from what she had heard Stark say, Stephenson wanted to release him, or at least thought that he was no longer an emergency case, which meant he must have not tried to hurt himself last night. He was going to come home with her. Even if all three doctors disagreed with her, she would make damned sure he was leaving here today.

"How touching," Stark sneered and looked to be gearing up for another rant.

Name felt a wave of anger sweep her up. She glared at Stark with all the ferocity of a mother bear, looking as though she would tear his throat out with her teeth if it had to come to that.

"You are going to agree with whatever decision Dr. Stephenson has made. You are going to release my son from his involuntary residency here," she growled at him, "and you are going to do it now, or so help me Stark, I will make your life a living hell."

Even with her arms still around Duo, the look on Name's face frightened even Lian for a second. Stark lost whatever tangent he had had in mind and went pale.

"I highly suggest you sign the release papers, Stark, or I will report you," Dr. Chang threatened her colleague, fed up with his antics, "and this time I'll have plenty of evidence against you."

Just as quickly as he had lost all of his color, Stark flushed with anger and embarrassment. Without a single word, he snatched Stephenson's clipboard from her desk and signed his signature to three pieces of paper so hard that Name was surprised he didn't tear the paper. He thrust the clipboard at Stephenson and strode out

"Good luck to you and your brats," he snarled at Name before slamming the door closed behind him.

Name didn't care beyond tightening her arms around her son as he flinched at the violent noise. Never before had she been so glad to see the pompous ass leave. She didn't care what he had been arguing about or what Lian had meant about evidence and reporting him again, and didn't ask. She finally let go of Duo and he hastily wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"Thank you, Dr. Chang," he murmured shyly.

She smiled at him and walked over to pat his shoulder.

"There's nothing for you to thank me for, Duo," she said, "You know as well as the rest of us what a pompous ass that man is. I've been correcting the damage his unprofessional attitude has done since I first started working here. He had no right to say those things to you, and no right to try to keep you here against your will, he was just being petty."

Duo nodded. He had known that from the second that his doctor had burst in on his very last session with Dr. Stephenson demanding that he be kept here for longer. He had known that, ever since he had thrown that water glass in Stark's face during his first visit to the hospital that he had made an enemy for life, but it had still been frightening, thinking that after all he had gone through, he would be denied going home just because of the man's personal feelings about him.

"Thank you for your assistance," Stephenson shook her hand, "I was beginning to lose my temper and file a report on him myself."

Lian chuckled.

"He certainly has that effect on even the coolest of heads. When I first started to work here, all I wanted was to not make waves and just do my job. But now I can see that a man like Stark has no right to practice medicine. I doubt he'll have a career here much longer," she glanced over at Name, "I've actually been meaning to talk to you about it, but some other time of course."

The Japanese woman nodded.

"Some other time," she agreed.

Lian left them and Duo wondered for a moment just how much the doctor knew about what Stark had done to him. He didn't think that she actually knew about that, but men like Stark could never stop at just one. He doubted that he had been the first person the doctor had mistreated, or the last. He wondered if he should have told Name about that, feeling a little bit guilty that he hadn't acted when he should have. If Stark was abusing other kids because he hadn't said anything... But back then he hadn't had the courage to speak up against him with everything else that had been happening, and the man hadn't tried anything since so it had seemed so incredibly unimportant compared to the rest of his problems.

"How did you sleep last night?" Name asked Duo, touching his braid lightly, still having a hard time believing that he was really speaking and that soon she would be taking him away from here.

It was a loaded question and Duo understood that, hesitating a little.

"Alright I guess," he shrugged, "It was harder falling asleep without Heero there. I knew I was under surveillance, but that just made me feel more nervous. When I actually did manage to fall asleep, I don't recall waking up through the night, though."

"It wasn't a very restful situation," Stephenson agreed with a slight nod, "and I'm sorry I had to put you through that, but I'm happy with the results. Just like I told your son yesterday, we kept Duo unrestrained and didn't sedate him," she told Name, "We also didn't remove anything from the room that he could potentially use to harm himself, while monitoring him closely to make sure that if he tried to, we could intervene, but aside from some tossing and turning and a few obvious nightmares, he didn't have any problems. He slept through the night and didn't get up once. He has also been vocal in our sessions and the few social situations he's been in since yesterday. Usually when a patient of mine is afflicted with psychosomatic mutism like Duo, even when they physically can talk again, they retain the habit of not using verbal communication. I'm quite happy with how he is progressing, even if I was unable to help in his recovery," Stephenson's voice was tinged with guilt and Name didn't blame her, feeling a bit guilty herself that she was unable to do more to help her son overcome this.

"I take it, then, that you are releasing him as an emergency patient?" she asked, not wanting to assume anything at the same time she felt hope practically burst in her chest.

"Yes," the doctor said, but with some hesitance, "the forms that Dr. Stark just signed are Duo's release forms. They remove Duo's status as a mandatory patient here, however Duo is still under my care. If you wish to release him back into your custody I'll need you to sign some forms, too. However," she sighed, "it is my professional opinion that he should stay here, or at least let me continue counseling him. Duo has displayed typical signs of post traumatic stress disorder, some pretty severe from obvious prolonged trauma. I am especially concerned with his nightmares and habits regarding his self esteem," she glanced at him for a moment, seeing him fidget a little in embarrassment, "But when I brought these problems up, Duo refused to consider both a residency here and counseling."

"I'm sorry," he said to Name, feeling a little bit ashamed at discarding the therapist's motions so stubbornly, "but I just can't..."

"Oh, Duo, I understand," his mother soothed, "I have always been prepared if you ever wanted to consider getting professional help, but I know how uncomfortable you are with talking about these things, especially to strangers. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. I would never force you into counseling against your will, that would only hurt you. I had only agreed to admit you here because things got so bad."

"Which is exactly why I am releasing Duo into your custody," Stephenson agreed, "In the week he has been here, Duo has been incapable of opening up to me about his childhood and the abduction. Trying to force him to tell me about those things isn't going to do anyone any good."

She handed Name her clipboard, pulling back the pages that Stark had already signed and showed her where her signature was needed.

"Just sign these three forms and you can take Duo home with you," the doctor smiled.

The CEO in her had Name scanning the forms even when all she wanted to do was sign them and get out of here, but she didn't find anything more than she had expected on them and signed each of them.

"Excellent, I'll get these filed right away," she tucked the clipboard under her arm and shook Name's hand, "Please don't hesitate to call me if Duo is experiencing any problems at home," she shook Duo's hand next, something that he wasn't used to, "It was nice meeting you, young man, I just wish I could have done more to help you."

"You did help me," Duo assured her, "Maybe not directly, but being here was what helped me get my voice back."

He didn't know what might have happened if he had gone home after being released from the hospital, if he would have been able to get over his self abusive behavior or not at home, but he did know that being here had forced him into a corner. Being away from his family had made him desperate and lonely. It had reminded him of all the things he would lose if he couldn't stop it. If he had been surrounded by the people he loved at home, he didn't think he would have felt that desperation as keenly.

"I hope so," she smiled.
*****

As he stepped out through the front door of the hospital lobby carrying a box filled with the things that his family had brought him when he had been in the mental ward, Duo felt a similar sensation to what he had felt the day he had left the hospital so many months ago, with the same woman by his side. He felt lost. He had almost felt like a refugee back then, being shuffled off to some place that wasn't his own, wearing clothes that weren't his, carrying things that had been given to him, but that he hadn't earned on his own.

He almost felt like that now before he reminded himself how far off from the truth that was. The clothes he was wearing were his. The things in the box were his. He was going home, and the woman by his side was far from a stranger. Had things really changed that much in these five short months? Had he really changed? As much as he had argued with himself about it, as much as he had told himself that deep down he hadn't, he knew now that he had. That, in itself, was a change from how he had been. Before, he would have easily believed the worst in himself, that he was incapable of changing for anything but the bad.

Even if it had been staring him in the face, he would have chosen to believe that he was the same miserable, pathetic person. But now, believing that he was stronger, believing that he was more confident and was in a better place was easier. It was still difficult, but it wasn't quite the hopeless struggle that it had been. It felt better, believing that he was heading in the right direction, even if it hurt a little to fight against old habits. Little by little, that pain was vanishing. He didn't know if it was because he had been with the Yuy's all this time, had been in a healthier environment, or Wes' death had helped him move on in some way. Honestly, he hoped it was both.

Now that he was forcing himself not to punish himself for what he had done, to not let his nightmares and doubts and self hatred completely overwhelm him, he was desperately looking for some good in what had happened. Not that he had murdered him, but simply that Wes was not alive anymore. He told himself over and over that the man couldn't control him anymore, was not going to be there for him or against him. It was absolutely terrifying, but he was starting to get used to that fear. And he was starting to let those good things seep in. He wasn't going to be hit or raped anymore. He wasn't going to go home in fear, wondering when the next time his abuser was going to show up and take him away from the people he loved.

He wasn't going to be roused from sleep by the slightest sound and he wasn't going to be tortured wondering what his future was going to be, what choices he should make about his past. But most of all, he wasn't going to be scared every waking moment that his past was going to hurt his family. He wanted to believe, so badly, that the biggest mistake of his life had some good in it, that even if he had made himself a killer and put this black spot in his heart, he had at least protected the ones he loved. Wes wasn't going to be able to kill Name or Heero to keep him with him.

Duo wasn't even scared of Chris coming after them. The man was tenacious and deadly, but that force of his, like a hurricane, had always been directed by Wes' hand. Duo didn't think that Chris had it in him to be a threat to the Yuy family without Wes ordering him to. If anything, knowing him as Duo did, when Chris found out that Wes wasn't there anymore, he would go into hiding. He had to know that Name knew that he was the one who had almost killed her children by now. More than that, as the straws of Wes' empire were being grasped by any man with the power and desire to do so, both he and Chris were on the chopping block. Chris was too loyal for any gang leader or mob boss to trust.

At least Duo had Name's protection, and he could at least hope that who ever took over after Wes had a lot more sanity than him, enough to think twice about messing with the Yuys. With Wes gone, Chris didn't have any protection at all. There truly was no honor amongst thieves. With Wes gone, all his and Chris' contacts, men that had rallied behind the two of them, were going to turn. The side of him that contained all that rage, all that bitterness that had resulted in Wes' murder, the side of himself that Duo was trying so hard to deny existed, hoped that Chris was a bigger idiot than he thought he was and turned to a 'trusted' ally, only to get a knife in the back. He felt a twinge of guilt over that, over this sudden bloodthirsty personality in him.

Was this always going to be in him, this anger, this part that wanted to lash out at the men that had made his life a living hell? He had always seen life as sacred, had always kept his head low and been meek, so he didn't know how to handle it's existence now that he had realized it was there. But at the same time, he remembered all the kids that Chris and Wes had brought to the apartment, all the throats that Chris had slit, all the children the brute had raped. He hadn't just done those things because he was following Wes' orders.

Wes had thrived on power and domination, but Chris had been a pedophile and a sadist through and through. Duo was sure that even with Wes and the empire gone, Chris would go on like he always had. Was it so wrong to want to see the man dead for all the pain he had caused, not just him, but all the kids in Wes' employ? And if it was, how could it be wrong to want him dead to protect more kids from ending up like him? For a moment Duo mourned all the children that Wes had kidnapped, trained, and thrown into brothels. His death wouldn't bring them any of the peace it would bring him. They would just be owned by a different master, maybe one that was less cruel, but that was unlikely.

Where was the justice for them? He had killed the Boogieman, but he couldn't even save them. All he had done was save himself and his family. It made him feel pathetic all over again, that he couldn't even tell anyone about them, to help them. In reality, he didn't have much power to do anything at all, just knowledge. He knew that Wes had had brothels but he didn't know where. He knew that there were children prostitutes and slaves all over the city that had been owned by him, but he didn't know their names. He had seen them a few times, but his memory was shoddy on a good day, how could he ever help identify any of them?

And even if he did have the list of every child that had been trained by Wes and Chris, who would help them? He was sure that all of Wes' contacts in the police force and child services either still believed they were in his pocket or were happy to be paid off by another crime boss. There might be a few that were threatened to cooperate and would be happy to help, but he didn't know who to trust and who not to. He could tell Name, but he knew Wes' practices.

Wes had paid and trained his men well. If they thought that Wes was still alive, and Duo had no reason to believe that they didn't yet, and they got so much as a whiff that Name or a cop was closing in on them, they would kill every kid to keep them from talking. Sure, that might not happen, if the right people were investigating, the kind that didn't cast shadows, but how could he possibly risk that? In the past he would have said better to be dead than to be a whore and was sure many of those children had that mentality, but now he saw how wonderful life could be. How wonderful his life could be. How could he act? He was just a teenager, how could he ever justify holding the lives of hundreds of people in his hands and making these kinds of decisions?

Duo felt Name place her hand on his back and just like that, all the black thoughts and feelings dissipated like smoke. She was smiling at him, that warm smile of hers, full of love and acceptance. It was the same smile he had dreamed about when he had been locked up in that closet, and every time he had thought of it back then, he had cried. The same smile that always made him feel like a child, one that was cared for and protected, the same one that made all of Wes' assurances and declarations of love seem so small and cruel.

It was one of the few things that he had talked to Dr. Stephenson about, how seeing Name smile like that at him had made him feel like he belonged and it was always enough to make the worst things in his life seem like faint ghosts. She had told him to always keep that smile in his mind, that no matter how dark things got, no matter how hopeless he felt, it would guide him back home, to the things that were truly important. He remembered attending a group therapy session back when he had still been mute and how one girl, the same one with the slash across her face, had said that sometimes you had to be selfish, that sometimes all that mattered was surviving.

He might feel terrible for all of the other kids like him that he had been unable to save, but he had survived. Against all of the odds, all of the statistics saying that he would end up dead in a dumpster one day before his eighteenth birthday, he had survived Wes and all of the men he had sent him to. For now, that was enough, more than enough.

Duo still felt the trepidation he had felt when Stephenson had told him he was going home. He was so happy, but that happiness was tainted by fear. He knew that Name would never push him, had never pushed him aside from when she had asked him to name Wes all those months ago in the hospital, but he was still frightened by the sort of questions she was bound to ask now that he was out of the hospital.

He had promised Heero that he would tell him what had happened to him, but that seemed so daunting to him. He heard Heero's voice in his head telling him that nothing he could possibly say would make him hate him, but Heero didn't know. He loved them, but he hated what he had done. How could they not hate it, too? He didn't want to tell them, and he knew he could get away with not saying a thing, but Stephenson was right. Keeping this bottled up inside was going to kill him eventually. And they had the right to know the sort of person that they were living with.

Duo knew that he would never lash out at the Yuys. Killing Wes had been drastic and frightening, but he wasn't that unhinged. Even wishing Chris dead and feeling anger at remembering all the things that they had done to him didn't make him some kind of... lunatic serial killer. He just hoped that his family would understand that. He was sure that they would, but how could he make them understand why he had done it, and would his reasons even matter? He knew how Name felt about people that took the lives of others. If he had killed Wes in self defense, she might forgive him for that, but the truth...

Duo pushed the thought down as they walked out into the bright sunlight, squinting a little. It didn't matter, he told himself. Right now Name loved him, and just like he had been unable to see a world where Wes wasn't in it, for that moment at least, he couldn't see a world where this woman didn't love him, or hated him. He knew, logically, how fragile love was, and how quickly all his sureties turned on him, but every time he had thought Name would hate him for something, or be disgusted or disappointed in him, she had surprised him. Why couldn't he let himself believe that she would surprise him again this time? Right now, she didn't know. Right now, nothing had changed.

Walking across the parking lot, Duo was struck realizing that this was the first time he had seen the outside of a building in two weeks. He knew that wasn't true, he had spent a good deal of his time in the mental ward staying outside in the atrium. He had felt so claustrophobic and desperate to not be reminded of his frightening incarceration in the closet, but it hadn't been the same. He had still felt trapped and contained, like he had never gotten free of his kidnapping. He didn't even remember his walk back home that well. He felt like he had been frozen in some sort of void.

The world somehow seemed more beautiful and more vibrant than it had before Wes had abducted him. Summer was in full swing, the weather hot and the sun bright, but not unbearably so. The borders of the parking lot were decorated by flowers of all different colors, thriving in the late June weather. Feeling the sun on his bare arms and face was the best feeling in the entire world, but it was quickly replaced when he saw Name's car, and Heero leaning against it waiting for them. His best friend's face broke out into a smile as brilliant as the summer sun when he saw him.

Name had the good sense to take the box from Duo as her older son suddenly grabbed him in a hug so tight and powerful that he almost lifted Duo off of his feet, but Duo didn't mind. He hugged him back, not nearly as strongly as his friend, but just as desperately. He felt like he hadn't seen him in a very long time and that no matter how tightly he held on to him, it wasn't enough, he couldn't soak in enough of him, his touch or voice or the warmth of his body. That wasn't any truer than his feeling of not being outside in the longest time, but he couldn't help feeling it. This wasn't the same. Heero had been there for him the entire time in the hospital, and he had had visited him in the ward constantly, but right now all those times had been swept away in his mind and it felt this was the first time he was seeing him since he had been kidnapped. This was the first time he was seeing him as a whole person, or as whole as he could get.

Duo felt raw to the bone; tired, excited, and anxious all at once. He felt like all of his carefully guarded emotions were simmering on the surface. He felt overwhelmed by everything and realized how dangerous it was, but it was hitting him for the first time.

He was going home. And he was going home, not because he had no other choice, or because he was being dragged there by someone else's effort, but because he had chosen it and fought for it. He had been calling that house and this family his home for a long time now, but this was the first time he truly felt that it was his, that he had gained it for himself. He felt, truly for the first time that he was going in the right direction.

Where had this feeling been when he had needed it, locked away in that closet, confused about what to choose? Or maybe he hadn't been confused at all, maybe he had made his choice the night he had gone to Heero's house, bloody and about to die, instead of back to Wes, both equally capable of getting him medical care or turning him away in disgust. Maybe he had just been unable to understand that he had chosen. This wasn�t the only choice left, simply because he had killed Wes, he felt now that he would have ended up here, in this same safety of Heero�s arms, no matter what had happened.

That realization should have made him hate himself and that constant mental battle he had had with himself to either pull away from Wes or his new life, but it only made him happy. It made him confident that all manner of forces could try to wrench him away from his family, but he would always end up right back here in the end.

"I missed you so much," Heero whispered hoarsely and buried his face in Duo's slender shoulder.

Duo felt a jolt hearing his own feelings echoed in Heero�s voice. He could have pointed out to him that he had seen him yesterday, but it only would have made him a hypocrite.

�I missed you, too.�

For a moment, he remembered being back in that closet and thinking that his life with Heero had all been a dream, a fantasy that he had concocted to escape his nightmare of a life, or that he would never see him again. He quickly pushed those memories away. He wasn�t ready to deal with them yet.

�Quatre and Trowa?� he asked when Heero let go of him.

�They�re out buying some more cat food, we ran out when we fed them this morning,� Heero told him, �and they thought it might make things easier for you if they didn�t crowd you when you first got home.�

Duo blushed at that. They had done the same thing when he had first come to live with them, living in a hotel initially until Duo had gotten his feet back under him, like a wild animal spooked by being surrounded. He hated feeling like he had kicked them out of their home because of his issues. He knew that that wasn�t� fair, they were his friends and wanted to make things less stressful for him. It wasn�t� like he had ever asked them to do that, even if he had needed it at the time. He couldn�t deny that he was feeling a bit overly emotional and stressed right now and that he wasn�t quite ready to deal with Quatre�s over protectiveness and questions, or Trowa�s perceptiveness, but he still felt like an ass.

He also couldn�t help but feel guilty that Quatre and Trowa were going out of their way to buy his cats their food. The cats were supposed to be his responsibility and feeding all eight of them was expensive. His horde went through litter and food like a pack of lions went through a gazelle it seemed. He had thought about giving a couple of them up for adoption, but there was plenty of room for all eight of them and he could afford to keep all of them. He just couldn�t bear to give any of them up, especially not after everything else he had lost in his life.

Still, the knowledge that Name, Heero, Quatre, and Trowa had been taking care of his pets when he had gone missing, feeding them, changing their litter, and playing with them, made him feel guilty. It also made his kidnapping, all those days that he had disappeared from the world, feel more real, or rather it made the pain he had put his family through all the more real.

"I'm so sorry," he tried to apologize but Name interrupted him, putting a hand on his back.

"Don't be ridiculous, Duo," she scolded lightly, "We're your family, this is what family does when one of them is in trouble. We worry, we take care of things for them, and we try to make things easier. You went through a terrifying experience and it's our job to help you pick up the pieces. It isn't anything you wouldn't do for any of us, and you know that. Now come on, let's get you home."

Duo smiled at that. Home... he was finally going back home.
*****
As Name parked the car in the driveway and they all piled out, Duo was filled with a nervous energy that he couldn't quite place. Their front yard was even more beautiful than he had remembered it being the day he had been taken. Someone had mowed the lush, green grass recently and there were flowers that seemed more brilliant and better kept than the ones at the hospital. Tulips, blue bells, daffodils... all the flowers he struggled to name when Name had broached the subject of what they were going to plant for the Summer season with him.

He remembered just giving her a wide eyed look as she showed him the seed catalogue and informed her that he didn't know a single thing about flowers besides you were supposed to buy them for the sick or the dead. As they had looked through the catalogue of various different kinds and colors, Duo had been surprised at just how many there were. They had planted them months ago, Name patiently teaching him how to do it. When he had disappeared their green stems and leaves had been poking out through the ground, some just starting to open. Now they were all in full, wild bloom. It was just another thing he had missed out on, a small thing, but it made his heart hurt all of a sudden.

Name opened the door for him, letting him be the first one inside, Heero hanging back, carrying Duo's things. Duo was startled for a minute by how cool it was inside of the house when it was starting to get so hot outside already before he remembered the central air. Wes didn't believe in such creature comforts and even when the temperature had hit the 90's and 100's outside, he had only gotten a few fans. The apartment, and especially the closet, had been hot, but as he had gotten sicker and gone through fevers and chills, he hadn't noticed it that much. Now the cool air was incredibly soothing

He kicked his shoes off by the door and put them in the closet with the rest of the family's shoes and coats, like he always did. For a moment, he thought he could pretend that this was like any ordinary day. He had gone to the hospital for a check up, or to get one of the many vaccines he needed to get regularly that most people got when they were kids or babies and now Name was dropping him back off at home. A day like any other, a day that wasn't special or sad... But then he walked into the kitchen and all those feelings he had tried so hard to ignore came flooding back.

Everything was exactly how he had remembered, and he didn't know why he had expected something major to have changed in here or anywhere else in the house. He could smell what his family had had for breakfast; sausage, cheese, eggs, bacon, and mushrooms, as well as the sweet smell of something baked. All the things that they had eaten right before Heero and Name had left for London. Right before everything had gone to hell and he had made the worst decision he had made since Name had taken him in.

Those smells made his stomach twist up, not in hunger, but in memory. He remembered that morning so vividly, somehow more vividly than any of his days in the ward even though it had happened two weeks ago. He remembered how nervous he had been with Heero and Name leaving just for a couple of days, all of his fears about Wes coming after him while they were away, but even the greater, his fear of Heero going back to London and never coming back.

Now that fear seemed so stupid. Heero cared about him, this was their home. His best friend had been at his side through all of his shit and had never abandoned him, even when he had Quatre and Trowa to fall back on. Heero wouldn't give up on him like that, and he hadn't, at least not over something like going back to the place that he had moved from. He couldn't claim to know what the Japanese boy would do or feel when he told him the truth.

Duo remembered fighting against those fears, resolving to focus on his excitement over spending the summer with his family and friends and showing Heero and Name how strong he could be, that he wasn't just their dead weight. And he remembered the overwhelming terror he had felt when he had woken up in the too familiar kitchen of Wes' apartment, knowing that he would probably never see his real home ever again. Even with his conflicting feelings about Wes, that belief had devastated him.

Duo reached out and lightly touched the kitchen door frame as though he had to reassure himself that it was really there. He knew how the wood would feel even before his fingers touched the smooth surface. It felt so real, so good, like a song he had heard a thousand times before, but hadn't heard in a long time. He felt tears trickle down his cheeks, but he was detached from them.

How many times in that dark and lonely closet had he thought he would never get to touch this door frame again? How many times had he tried to come to terms with never hearing Name's voice again or laying in his bed again? And how many times did that absence kill him inside?

'I'm coming back,' Heero's voice echoed in his head, strong and confident.

'Yes, he came back, just like he promised me he would,' Duo thought in agony, 'but I didn't.'

Duo lost his tentative grip on his emotions, the trickle of tears becoming a torrent. He pressed his hands to his face, hiding his sorrow in shame and only succeeded in sobbing harshly into them. He felt Name's arms go around him, as tightly as Heero's had in the hospital parking lot, and he buried face in her chest. She rubbed his back as he cried, not caring that he was soaking his shirt or the sort of spectacle he was making in front of Heero.

Name didn't say a word as she held him, and she didn't need to. Her embrace felt so good, even better than it had to walk into this house again. Wes had never hugged him. That realization hit him like a physical blow. He had told him that he loved him, had kissed him, told him he would leave his entire life behind for him, but he had never once hugged him, and never like this. As good as Name's hug made him feel, it also made him hate himself for ever so much as considering leaving her for Wes. It made him realize just how fucked he was, how torn his heart was and had been for a very long time now. He knew that Wes had broken him, but it took his mother's arms around him to remind him just how much. This was all he had ever wanted, he just hadn't realized it until he had silenced all the poisonous voices in his head with that knife.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into Name's shirt, not really knowing exactly what he was apologizing for, crying into her clothes, losing it so easily, or for almost abandoning her like he had been abandoned, all for a man that in the end had amounted to nothing more than his rapist and abductor.

"Hush," she soothed, stroking his hair, "it's alright, Duo."

He wiped at his face when she eventually let him go, and blinked up at her, his eyes tinged red, as she cupped his cheek and brushed his bangs back with her other.

"Honey, do you think you can lay down for a nap?" she asked.

He nearly said no, that he had just gotten home, and he had slept decently last night, but he knew himself well enough to know exhaustion when he felt it. His body might be well rested, but his heart wasn't. He was home, and he could tell himself that it was all over, that he was safe and loved, but he felt worn down, torn between feeling overly emotional and empty inside. He was very well acquainted with the effect stress could have on him, and even though he wasn't in the mental ward, he was definitely stressed. Every time he looked at Name and Heero, while he was filled with love for them, and relief that he was back here, he also felt fear at the knowledge that, eventually, he would have to tell them the truth. He nodded.

"I think so," he confessed.

Name touched his back lightly and led him up the steps and he let her lead him, although she certainly didn't need to. She flashed her older son a look and he nodded. Honestly, as well as Duo had looked coming out of the hospital, he had expected this. It didn't matter how much rest his best friend had had the last two nights, Duo had gone through five days of who knew what kind of hell, plus more than a week in the hospital and a psych ward. Emotionally, he was still a wreck. It was the same as when they had brought him home from the hospital that first time, how quickly he had needed to go take a nap. Duo might not be as overwhelmed and shaken as he had been then, but he was still recovering, still trying to find his feet.

As his mother led Duo to his room, Heero put his box of things by his door and quietly walked to his own. That first day Duo had come home here, he had been unable to understand why he had broken down so quickly, wanting to believe that everything was fine, but now Heero understood the kind of strain his friend was going through, what his post traumatic stress disorder did to him and he knew that this was going to happen. This time he had no problems moving off to the sidelines. Trowa and Quatre had known when Duo needed them, when he needed them to give him space, and when to make themselves scarce, and Heero certainly did, too.

His bedroom was just about the most beautiful thing that Duo had ever seen. Everything was exactly like how he left it. Even the things he had left askew, like the books on his desk, hadn't been touched. It was like it had been frozen in time. Shei and Toby were curled up on his bed, Toby at the foot of it and Shei on his pillows. He was glad to see they were more used to each other now. When he had left, the two cats had still not really known how to take each other.

Shei had been adventurous at first, used to playing with Shiva, and had tried to do so with the large tomcat, but he had ignored her entirely. When she wouldn't give up and had taken to following him around, he had gotten annoyed and hissed at her, which had made her skittish around him. He hadn't liked her much around him when he was napping on the bed either, chasing her off if she jumped up there, although he never so much as nipped her. Apparently in the time he had been gone they had gotten much more comfortable with each other. He felt it that pain in his chest again, that ache that came with realizing how the world had gone on without him, while for him in that apartment, time hadn't just stood still, it had gone backwards.

Shei seemed to realize his presence or hadn't been sleeping very deeply, cracking open an eye. When she saw him, she got to her feet and meowed loudly in excitement. Duo picked her up with a soft smile, kissing the top of her head.

"Hi, there, baby girl," he soothed as she rubbed her head against his.

Shiva ran into the room at the sound of Shei's meow and made a similar, but much louder meow at seeing her owner. If she had been angry at his lengthy absence, she didn't show it. She continued to meow insistently, as though her life depended on it, and rubbed desperately against his legs. Duo gently placed Shei back on the bed and picked up the older black cat. It wasn't difficult, she was more than eager to get into his arms.

Duo felt tears form in his eyes as she nuzzled his neck and purred happily. It felt so good to hold a cat in his arms again, to hold her. He wasn't ashamed to admit that Shiva had always been his favorite and had always felt the deepest connection with her, the one that looked the most like her mother, Midnight, and was the most attached at the hip with him, even more than Shei. He didn't feel ashamed to cry now, either. He had missed them, all of them, not as much as his human family, but his feline one was just as much a part of him, his past and his pillar of security and love as Name and Heero were.

Toby finally uncurled from his napping position and walked to Duo, making a soft murr noise and nuzzled his hand, giving it a small lick, a gesture Duo was used to from Shiva but had never seen from Toby. He stroked the large tom's head as the Javanese stared up at him with ancient, all knowing eyes. He stayed like that for several minutes as Name patiently unpacked his box of personal items. Finally, when the tears stopped, he let Shiva down, dug out some pajamas from his dresser, and went to the bathroom to change, the black cat following him around as though she didn't want to let him out of her sight.

Duo undressed slowly, taking in all of the familiar things in the bathroom that he had dreamed about for the last two weeks, folding his clothes and putting them on the toilet since he had barely worn them. He slipped on a loose fitting t-shirt and pajama pants with little cartoon penguins on them, his favorite and most familiar pair because he liked how soft they felt. He debated taking his hair out from the braid so it wouldn't get tangled in his sleep, but decided against it. The very first thing he did when he woke up was going to take the longest shower of his life and wash it properly with his own shampoo, not the hospital's or ward's.

Duo filled his cupped hands with warm water from the sink and used it to wash his face. It felt soothing even though his face wasn't dirty and it didn't do anything to make him feel more alert. He stared at his reflection in the mirror over the sink. He looked vastly different than the last time he had looked at himself in a mirror. He wasn't pale anymore, the dark circles under his eyes, while still there, were fainter now. He didn't look like one of the living dead, or like he was about to fade away. He almost looked like he had before, before Wes had kidnapped him, before he had shown up at his work and shot him. Duo rubbed at his face tiredly.

'I'm going to tell them,' he told himself resolutely, even as the thought of doing so sent terror raging through him, 'I'm going to tell Name and Heero the truth, and none of this is going to disappear. Even if they don't talk to me ever again, even if they lose trust in me, I'll do it.'

His hands started to shake and Duo focused all of his strength to make them stop.

"They'll still love me," he murmured to himself.

He felt a few tears fall down his cheeks and wiped at them, refusing to let the fear in his heart show on his face at all. Shiva meowed up at him and he picked her up, hugging as tightly as he dared to. He walked out of the bathroom with her and saw with surprise that Name was still there, pushing the covers down for him. She smiled at him, and if she knew how frightened he was, she didn't betray anything herself. He let her tuck him in, not caring at the moment that it made him feel like a child. Shiva took her customary place curled up against his chest while Shei laid down on the pillow near his head. He expected Toby to wander out of the room or jump up on the desk like he always did when Duo went to sleep, but for the first time, he laid down by the human's feet.

"Rest for as long as you need," Name told him, brushing his long bangs from his face, "I'll make something nice to eat when you're ready to get up. Is there anything you want?"

Duo shook his head.

"I'll love anything that you make, Mom," he said tiredly.

That made Name's smile widen. She kissed his forehead and left him to sleep. For once, it didn't take long. Duo fell into a deep sleep in minutes.
End Part 21
Author's Note: We are now at the point where I was going to put this story on hiatus. Originally, I was going to make this and what is now part 22 all in one long part, but I decided to split them up since the next scene is incredibly long and essentially all dialogue. Part 22 will be the last part I work on before I'm moving on to my other stuff. Like I've stated before, TRTK is NOT going on full hiatus. I am going to work on it at the same time as working on my other stuff since I don't want to put it down for such a long time.
Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and giving me encouraging words to keep up with this story. It really does mean the world to me <3

　

　
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The Road to Kindness