Quatre Winner\'s Diary

April: April\'s Fools

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Friday, April 11th
1:08 pm

So far today, I\'ve been yelled at, lectured, insulted, and sick, and that was all before I got back from lunch.

Duo yelled at me this morning for lying to him about talking to Trowa, telling me to call him right away. Then he lectured me on drinking too much coffee and told me that if I have another cup, he\'s going to send me to Sally. The problem is, I need the coffee to stay awake, or at least some caffeine. I need some more sleep. Two hours a night really weighs on your ability to perform even the most menial tasks. At least my vocabulary\'s still intact.

Then Duo told me that I look like shit and suggested that we take lunch breaks. I think he meant for me to do something other then go down the street to the deli like talk to Trowa, but I know he\'s upset with me and you know what, I\'m still not thinking clearly. Duo\'s mad at me too. I can tell. And Wufei\'s still upset that I woke him up. And I know that by the end of all of this I\'ll be alone, unlovable and friendless because I\'m a putz. A big, stupid putz.

So, I ate lunch at alone at the counter when this very attractive man walked in, and I did what I thought I was supposed to. I checked out his butt. It was a nice butt. Only looking at it made me feel even more sick then I already did. But what\'s worse, there were these two men sitting near me that cracked really derogatory, homophobic jokes. I knew they were directed at me, especially since there were also a few snide comments about the \"feminine blond\" sitting at the counter. I know I\'m small, but I\'m definitely not feminine.

All in all, lunch made me feel sick. So sick that I got up and vomited in the bathroom twice before I headed back to the office, where I got sick once again after getting off the elevator. At least I made it to the restroom in time.

I know it wasn\'t something that I\'ve eaten, because I haven\'t really eaten that much. Just coffee and some toast. I know all that\'s come up again. I feel like shit. I look like shit. But damn it, I can\'t go home. Too much is riding one me being here. I have millions of people that depend on me to do my job well, not to mention most of my family.

That\'s a lot for one person to handle...oops, I dropped my letter opener.

4:47 pm

Do you know how one little thing can create a whole slew of events that makes everything go from bad to really fucking bad? I fell asleep against my desk. I think it\'s a testament to how tired I really was.

I woke up when there was a loud crash, which I think was the door, and someone was calling my name. I know I wasn\'t asleep all that long, but I wasn\'t awake enough to actually figure out what was going on. Hell, I didn\'t even realize what was in my hands until Cathy threw it across the room and started screaming at me. For some reason, it all seemed like a bad dream, until she said, \"kill yourself.\"

I hadn\'t even thought of that as an option. Suicide is never an option, but of course staring at the shiny letter opener in because it reflecting light with a glazed expression on my face didn\'t help her story any. But I sort of sat there, listening expressionless, letting her hug me and tell me that I need to think about everyone else before I did something selfish.

I thought I was thinking about everyone else. That\'s why I\'ve been working myself sick. But of course it was also for selfish reasons. I don\'t want anyone thinking that I\'m incompetent. Although getting sick just proves that I\'m not good enough for this job. That was when I started crying.

I cried for a long time before I could start talking again. I just let it all go, and she let me. I really love Cathy for that, because she just let me cry. But boy after I was done did she lay into me.

So, I\'m an idiot. Or was an idiot. I\'m not sure if idiocy is something that can be solved by a good lecture, but Cathy sure tried. And I deserved every second of it. But of course she didn\'t know even half of the story.

I took my penance like a good little boy. I deserved every little bit of it. But there was this moment, this one moment where it felt like everything was going to be okay.

Cathy wears l\'Interdit [1], which is the same perfume that my mother wore. I found a bottle of it when I was six and I used to put it on my pillows. Just a spritz. That way, when I slept at night, it was like sleeping with my mother.

Of course it smells a little different on Cathy. But it was still there, and she was warm and soft the way only a woman can be, so I asked a favor of her. I asked if she could just hold me and not say anything for a moment. And she was nice enough to do it. And for that one moment, it was like my mother was there, holding me and making everything all right, the way only a mother can.

Then it was gone, and I started crying again. Not because I lost the illusion, but because I had it. Just for the one moment. And by Allah, I was happy. Someday, I\'m going to have to tell her that.

I didn\'t get the chance earlier because there was a soft knock on the door followed by a Duo asking if everything was all right. He should have known better. My head was buried in Cathy\'s neck and my shoulders were shaking. Then there was some kind of silent exchange and I was being passed over to a dry shirt covering a flat chest and I was handed a braid.

Duo\'s good to cry on. He knows just the right rubbing spots to make all the tension run out of my back, and of course he knows how to listen and decipher crying language. I think it has something to do with Hilde and teenage years. Girls cry a lot during middle school. I know I had to do my fair share of cuddling, but pre-teens usually don\'t want their younger brother. Theyt tht their moms, so I didn\'t do all that much.

His skills were put to good use today though, because I told him everything. Every single thing that happened since Saturday, including the parts that centered around him. I\'m not sure how he got anything out of the half-sobbed statements, but like I said, he\'s good. I even told him about checking out the other guy\'s ass and feeling sick afterwards, which made him laugh. I don\'t know why, it\'s not that funny. And of course he had to add in a \"Quatre, ya look like shit, ya know that?\" for good measure.

He agrees with Gisa and Wufei; I\'m a putz. It\'s unanimous, people. I\'m a putz. It\'s funny how I can be jovial like this only an hour after I poured my heart out, but...well, the next part of the story just makes me really happy.

It\'s apparent that Cathy and Trowa are siblings, because he entered the room looking exactly the way she did. This time I was slightly more aware of what was going on, so I jumped about five feet and turned to look at who was coming in.

His face was enough to make me feel like a bastard; he didn\'t need to cross the room and pull me into an embrace that said he never wanted to lose me. Allah, I felt bad. And I\'d just gotten my tears under control, too. I knew I should have cried myself out of tears, but there were still a few left for this, mostly because he was crying, too.

I\'m sure there\'s a deeper meaning to this. I was crying because he was. Maybe it\'s one of those many mysteries of life. I always get teary when any of my friends cry, but this was something more. I felt like someone was eviscerating me.

He just kept holding me, rocking and mumbling over and over about how much he\'d been worrying and how if I ever did anything like that again he\'d...he never finished that statement. There\'s no way to explain how bad I felt. It\'s more than just a putz. I felt like the world\'s biggest asshole thinking that he\'d leave me. I still do. I\'m going to have to do SO much to make up for this.

After he got a grip on himself he asked me what goi going on, so I told him. I actually had a grip on myself enough to make into a coherent story, including all the self-deprecating thoughts that kept running though my head. I didn\'t look at him the entire time. I couldn\'t. I felt like the biggest...something really bad. Like a jackass. Oh, I was a real asshole in this situation. If I were Trowa I wouldn\'t want to forgive me for this. I completely doubted I t I thought he wanted to leave me for someone else; someone who was different...worldly. Boy, was I wrong.

Ralph asked him to be a groomsman at his wedding...to a girl. What I saw was Trowa telling him yes. If I had stayed another minute I would have heard them talking about me. So I jumped to a conclusion...the completely wrong conclusion, and I almost lost the best thing in my life because of it.

Strangely enough, he doesn\'t hate me. He isn\'t mad at me; he\'s just upset, and he didn\'t react how I thought he would. Instead of yelling, he simply took my face in his hands, made me look him in the eye and said, very calmly, \"Quatre Raberba Winner, don\'t you ever think like that again. You are more than what I deserve and I don\'t care if it takes you fifty years, I\'ll wait until you’re ready. So don\'t think I would ever go to someone else just because...no don\'t think there will ever be anyone else. I would never...be able to find someone like you again. I couldn\'t leave you if I tried.\" This was where he kissed me, the first time...while he was still talking. \"You are...\" kiss \" everything...\" kiss \"that I have ever...\" kiss \"wanted...\"

By the end of his speech, he had me lying on the couch, Cathy moved us there because it was more comfortable then the floor, and he was on top of me, kissing me for all he was worth. It was around the second minute straight that I started questioning why? We had never done anything like this before. Not that I was cainiaining, because at that moment being under Trowa was the best place in the world, so I asked him what he was doing. And of course he didn\'t stop kissing me while he replied that he obviously wasn\'t showing my how much I was wanted, so he wanted to demonstrate it, and he had four months worth of kisses to make up for. And yes, he meant four months...

I made out with my boyfriend...in my office...on my leather couch...and damn can he kiss well. It wasn\'t anything but simple closed-mouth kisses, although they were anything but little or chaste. No hands wandering much further then heads and shoulders, and our mouths met nothing but mouths. Still, it was wonderful. And that\'s where the world found us twenty minutes later when someone cleared their throat at the door


I mumbled something about give us ten more minutes Duo, because I was very happy to be left where I was, except it wasn\'t Duo.

\"They say to give then ten more minutes Duhoulhould we let them?\" a very familiar tenor asked, and I nearly died of shame, burying my head in Trowa\'s shoulder.

\"Yeah, he needs it today, Mr. Winner,\" Duo replied. Then a baby gurgled.

This was all I needed to make my day great. Dad brought my niece by to meet me and caught me making out on the couch with my boyfriend. Wufei was right about the teenage girl thing.

\"You know Quatre,\" Dad started up again, \"I was wondering when I\'d find you necking on a sofa. I\'d already caught all of your sisters. At least you’re bringing a doctor home. Gisa must be so proud.\" I couldn\'t look at my dad. I didn\'t want to see the snakes coming out of his eyes.

\"I think she was, Sir,\" Trowa deadpanned. I knew something was wrong from the tone of his voice, so I looked.

Dad had the biggest grin on his face, and I was convinced it was from the baby. I should have learned my lesson about jumping to conclusions.

\"Well Doctor Barton, do you think you could let my son up? His niece wants to meet him. Oh, and I expect both of you for dinner tomorrow night. Your mothers will want to meet the man in your life, Son.\"

He didn\'t stay long after that, but he seemed pleased. He even went as far as to say that he was happy I figured it out. It makes me wonder if everyone knows?

Trowa\'s standing at the door talking to Duo right now. He said something about taking me home and making sure that I eat something and get some sleep. In fact he\'s making it his personal responsibility. He hasn\'t left my side since he came storming in here, and I\'m glad.

I feel so much better now. My dad\'s happy for me. We figured out most of what we want to do about my sisters, and I still have a boyfriend. Good things come in threes. Bo doo do bad ones.
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1. By Givenchy. It was created in 1954 exclusively for Audrey Hepburn. Doesn\'t that seem so romantic? Just romantic enough for someone like Catherine to wear. Made for a young Hollywood ingénue in the prime of her career. The story alone would have her wearing it. For more info go to http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?parentName=l\'Interdit&id=P0952&rule=active&shouldPaginate=true