Foolish Games

Warnings: er, language, violence, drug-use references, Hilde POV, sonfic...I think that may be it.



Author's Notes: You ever wonder what an argument between Heero and Hilde would look like? I took a bash at it here. I actually really like this chapter. It touches on how difficult it is to be a friend/lover/ family member (whatever, take your pick) to someone struggling with an addiction.



I'm thinking of renaming this fic to 'Psych 101', lol.



The song is called Taking Over Me by Evanescence.



Rating: R



Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue...Oooh! But I do own Nick. Nick is mine. And the story is mine too. It's non-profit though, just borrowing the characters for a little ficcy. Thanx for not suing.



Enjoy.















Taking Over Me

***



//...You don't remember me...

...but I...

...remember you...//



"You're getting lost in this monster of yours, Duo!" I'm screaming at him. I can't remember the last time I've yelled at him like this. I think it may have been during the 1st colony war, in space, in the cockpit of a mobile suit, because I didn't know where his allegiances lay. God, it feels like that all over again.



He's been acting like a deranged asshole since he showed back up here on L2 six weeks ago. He said he was working on getting the money for the orphanage. I don't believe him. How can I?



He used to say that he never lies. I used to believe that. He had never given me a reason to believe otherwise. But, now, it's like I don't know him at all.



He's mocking me now and tossing that accursed ponytail over his shoulder. What happened to the braid he always kept it in?



His body is thin and frail, black circles smudging those dull purple eyes that used to be so bright with life and merriment. His mouth had transformed from generous, full, and smiling to a constantly scowling, hard line. His full cheeks had turned sunken and his shimmering hair was now dingy and frayed with split ends and I can't possibly fathom, of all things, why he'd let his hair go like that. His hair used to be his prized possession.



"Goddammit, Duo, don't you dare fucking walk away from me!"



He turns his glower on me and I have to fight not wince.



"What the fuck do you want, Hilde?" he asks and I want to spit at him. He's a terrible shadow of what he used to be. He's used up, and I tell him so.



"Fuck you, Hilde," he says, cornering me against the kitchen counter. I refuse to be afraid of him...but I think I may be lying to myself. "I don't owe you anything."



"What about all those kids you were preaching about saving?" I shoot back, jutting my chin obstinately at him. "How the fuck do you think you're going to save money for the orphanage if you keep spending all your goddamn money on drugs?!!"



He chuckles softly; rubbing his arm where I knew the sleeve of his shirt covered the countless abscesses marring his skin. "Oh, yea of so little faith."



I reared my head, my anger making me tremble. "Don't you dare fucking use that religious psycho babble bullshit on me," I shout. "Especially when you're fucking using!"



I know he's hurting. I hear his wretched sobs coming from the bathroom at night when I lie in bed, trying not to hate him.



//...I lie awake and try so hard...

...not to think of you...//



But I do. We used to be so close. Best friends. He's like family to me. But he refuses to tell me what's going on with him. He won't let me in.



I hate him for keeping me in the dark. I hate him for giving up when he had worked so hard to get and stay clean. I hate him for selling out on his dream, those kids we've worked so hard to help, and most of all, himself. And, God help me, I hate Heero for whatever he did to drive him back to the life Duo used to hate so much.



//...But who can decide...

...what they dream...

...and dream I do...//



And I hate myself for not knowing what to do…for feeling so goddamn helpless.



And, after all this...I still want to believe in him. I'm clinging to the hope that he'll wake up and realize that he has at least one person who's rooting for him.



Me.



//...I believe in you...//



"Hilde," he whispers, suddenly looking spent and forlorn. "I'm trying...I know you can't trust me right now...and I really don't want you to...but, at least...have faith."



I push him away from me. "Tell me what's going on, Duo?" I say.



"I can't."



"You can't or you won't?"



He tries to smile, but it's like he no longer has control over those muscles in his face...it turns into something more like a grimace. "Perhaps a little of both."



I know he's telling the truth. It's so hard not to believe him. "Why?"



He hesitates and then decides to remain silent.



And I'm angry again. "What the fuck, Duo?!!," I shout. "We used to be able to talk about everything! What's going on?!!"



"It has nothing to do with you," he says distantly.



"The fuck it doesn't," I yell. "You show up here every night, in the *middle* of the night, fucking high as a kite, most times with blood all over you, in MY house--"



"It has nothing to do with you!" he shouts.



"Well, it fucking SHOULD, Duo!" I scream. "You're my best friend, goddammit! It SHOULD--"



"You're not that fucking spectacular, Hilde," he shouts hurtfully, cutting me off again. "The world doesn't revolve around you."



My mouth clamps shut, unbidden tears pricking at my eyes. I cannot believe he's talking to me like that. What the hell did I do?



I spit at him. "I don't want to talk to you until the Duo I love comes back."



He looks stunned, wiping my spit off his cheek. He glares at me dangerously and my heart skips a beat. Dear God...



He pushes me against the kitchen counter and shakes me. "You don't like this part of me, huh Hilde?" he snarls.



I stare at him wide eyed. I have no idea what he's going to do. God, he's scaring me.



"This has always been here," he whispers darkly, tapping his chest with a finger. "Always. You claim to love me, but you lie. When you love someone, you love all of them. Not just the parts that you like, you selfish bitch."



"This is not you, Duo. You think it is, but it's not."



The corners of his mouth curl up into an ugly smile. "You think so?"



I muster the strength to glare at him. "I think you're fake."



Suddenly, his hand comes up and stops inches away from my face. He's staring at his hand with shock and disbelief and he abruptly lets me go.



"See?" I whisper. "This isn't you. Duo Maxwell doesn't hit women."



//...I'll give up everything...

...just to find you...//



He's still staring at his hand. I stand there waiting. C'mon, Duo. Come back to me.



He tears his eyes away from his hand and slumps his shoulders. "Oh, God, Hilde..."



I move toward him tentatively, reaching out with a hand. He pushes my arm away from him and backs away further.



"Don't..." I say before realizing it.



"I shouldn't've dragged you into this, Hilde. I'm so sorry."



He's picking up his jacket. I start to panic. If he leaves...I may not see him again.



"We can figure this out together," I say urgently. "Like the good ol' days."



He shakes his head. "I'm sorry," he repeats.



//...I have to be with you...//



"Duo?"



"What?" There was no malice in his answer. He just sounded extremely beaten. This thing...it's consuming him.



"You can rely on me," I say. "You can trust me."



He shakes his head again, eyes downcast. He's ashamed. His anger and hurtful words were just trying to cover that up, I realize.



"That kinda thing has to go both ways," he says. "I can offer you neither."



"Duo, please."



He looks up at me. I gasp because he looks like a ghost. He looks dead and hollow beneath his eyes.



"I've got nothin' for ya, Hilde," he says. "All I'm doing is putting you in danger."



He laughs. It was dry, dead sound, like the rustling of autumn leaves. "And I called you selfish."



Suddenly, the tears I'd been trying to hold back start falling. It's a torrent of them and Duo watched them slide down my cheeks for a moment.



//...To live...

...to breathe...

...you're taking over me...//



He's searching for something to say. I despise him and love him and, fuck, it hurts so bad.



"It hurts to love you, Duo," I sob. "You know that?"



"I didn't," he whispers. "I do now."



"What the hell makes you think you have to do this alone?" I say through my tears. "You have people who love you, people you can trust..."



He smiles gently and he'll never know how much joy that pure expression brought me in that moment. "Like you?"



"Of course, like me," I say angrily. "Have you ever doubted that?"



//...Have you forgotten all I know...

...and all we had...//



He runs his hands through his hair before walking towards me. He takes my hand and puts it to his face. I open my hand and he leans his face into my palm, closing his eyes briefly.



My damn tears are still falling as I watch him. I don't know what to say. I know the true Duo is still there. I know there's still hope.



He takes my hand again and places a feather-light kiss on it. Then he takes my head and pulls it down so he can place another kiss on my forehead.



"I've never doubted," he whispers. "Never."



//...You saw me mourning my love for you...

...and you touched my hand...

...I knew you loved me then...//



"But that's exactly why," he continued softly. "That's exactly why."



"You don't have to baby me, Duo."



"There are bigger things happening right now than you and me," he says insistently. "You have to believe me."



I close my eyes and say nothing.



//...I believe in you...//



I don't open my eyes when he pulls away, or when he puts on his jacket, or when he laces his shoes. I don't open my eyes when he opens the front door. I don't want to believe he's leaving. I want to believe he'll come back...and that hope just won't seem plausible if I watch him go.



"Don't look for me," he says before shutting the door behind him.



He'll come back, I tell myself. He'll come back.



And then I'm on my knees and crying so hard that I am retching. He had better come back.



//...I'll give up everything...

...just to find you...//



Day after day passes and still no word from Duo. It's been nearly a week since our argument and nothing.



I cleaned the house probably about fourteen times. I go to the scrap yard everyday and sit in the office. I pore over paperwork and try not to think of him.



It's so hard, though. Every nook and cranny of my life has Duo written all over it. The scrap yard, my house, even this accursed colony.



Nick, my boyfriend, who actually lives on L3, called me on the fifth day. I couldn't help myself, I burst into tears. He asked if I needed him to come visit and I said yes.



//...I have to be with you...//



Nick is the fun, smiling, caring sort...but he pales in comparison to the sunshine Duo could create on a rainy day. I don't think I stopped weeping the entire day that Nick arrived.



I couldn't tell him, of course. Nick knows Duo...but, it just wouldn't be appropriate. And Nick might do something crazy if he found out that Duo was the cause of my tears.



And I don't want to think about what Duo could do to Nick if Nick attacked him.



So, I let Nick hold me and whisper sweet nothings into my hair and I never wanted to leave the safe haven of his innocent arms.



//...To live...

...to breathe...

...you're taking over me...//



At night, I can't sleep. I try, every night, but I fail miserably. I'm worried sick about Duo.



I pad to the bathroom and splash some water on my face. I stare at my reflection and see the shadows behind my eyes. I blink and remember the shadows I saw in Duo's eyes day after day. Moving, whispering, and so very, very secret.



I've known the wicked pleasure of battle lust. I know the exhilaration before a fight, my hands twitching with excitement. And I know the terrible guilt that sinks into the pit of my soul when I miss those days.



And I know, deep inside, Duo feels it too.



//...I look in the mirror...

...and see your face...

...if I look deep enough...//



I know the nightmares. I have them too. I know the nervous skip of my heart when I hear loud, unexpected noises. I know the hopelessness.



And I know the anger of having to struggle to live even though we fought so hard in that damn war. I know the rage at the injustice of it. I know the indignation.



And I know the hurt pride when civilians pity us for it.



I know it.



I know what it's like to hate my past. I didn't have the easiest childhood either.



I know it. But I choose to be happy. I choose not to dwell on it. I choose to live on.



But I'm so afraid that I'm leaving Duo behind in this. But it's like he wants to be left behind.



//...So many things inside the dark...

...just like you...//



Goddammit, I don't know what to do. It's been too long since I'd last seen Duo. Way too long.



And I know what I'll have to do.



//...You're taking over...//



I bite my lip. I really don't want to. But, lately, I've been thinking that this whole extremely bizarre thing with Duo is above anything that either Heero or I could possibly have done.



I really don't like the idea of running to Heero for help. I've never had to before. I've never wanted to even speak to him. Duo left me for him once, after all.



I sigh, it's not really his fault. Not really. But it's like to an incessant need to blame somebody for the pain in my heart every time I think about that.



He left me for him, during the Mariemeia incident. And, even after all of that, Heero still didn't get the clue. I roll my eyes. Duo came back to live me afterwards, but it was clear he was still in love with the Perfect Soldier.



I don't really hold a grudge. Not really. I wouldn't have met Nick if it hadn't turned out that way. And I'm grateful for that. But it took years for Duo to stop looking like a lovesick puppy. And right when I thought Duo was getting over him...Heero fucking moves in with him in New York.



I shake my head. I really don't get those two. I really don't.



But right now, Duo needs help...and I'm starting to think I'm in over my head.



//...I believe in you...//



So, I swallow my pride and walk into my home office where my computer is. I spend the next four hours trying to get Heero Yuy on the vidphone.



Finally I do and Heero blinks at me in surprise.



"Hilde?" he asks.



"The one and only," I say. God, this is awkward.



//...I'll give up everything...

...just to find you...//



An uncomfortable silence follows. I swallow, trying to think of something clever to say.



"I'm contacting you about Duo," I manage.



"Duo?!" Heero straightens suddenly, his blue eyes blazing with concern. "Where is he? Is he okay?"



I let out the breath I'd been holding. He really does care about Duo. I had wondered...



"Well?" Heero demanded.



I shake my head. "No, he's not okay and I have no idea where he is."



I watch Heero's features turn ashen and sick with worry as I tell about Duo's mysterious behavior and his worsening addiction. I told him about the late nights, and his private sobbing, and his insistent secrets. I told him about his anger and bitterness and about the blood I find on his clothes. I told him about our last fight, word for word, and about how it's been six days since I've seen him.



Then I ask him: "What the hell happened between you two?"



Heero blinked. "Nothing that would merit that."



"Tell me."



Heero tells me about the women and the booze and the sex and the orgies between the gundam pilots ( I had to stop myself from smiling when he said that--what I would have done to be a fly on THAT wall...) and the arguments and their last night together and what Duo said to him before he left.



I arched my brows, totally confused. "I think we're missing something, Heero."



"I agree," Heero says and I note the slight tremor in his voice. "I didn't know things were so bad up there."



"Yeah, well, you didn't work real hard to find out, did you?" I say angrily. "You never do, when it comes to Duo."



Heero blinks, his eyes wide with his confusion. "He left me...I didn't know I was supposed to go after him..."



"What are you, stupid?" I ask, incredulously. I know I'm being harsh, but, honestly, it feels good. "He's been in love with you for years! And what do you do about it? You wait five years and then start your relationship based on aimless sex! And now he's up here and I know you know he's using again because Trowa was up here a few weeks ago! And you sit there with your thumb up your ass while he's up here killing himself!"



He opens his mouth and shuts it. "I..."



I shake my head and sigh. "I don't think he's using again because of you. I really don't. It's too extreme for that...but, even if you're just a friend to him, you should be playing a more active role in helping him, Heero. And that goes for all four of you."



I watched his eyes darken in anger and I was glad we were so far apart from one another. Not many people live through pissing Heero off.



"Trowa didn't KNOW he was using again," Heero growls, "he just thought it was a possibility because he didn't know why Duo was acting the way he was. No one KNEW how bad it was except YOU. And YOU waited six weeks before contacting anyone for help. Don't think we aren't worried sick about Duo. Duo isn't the type to accept help if he doesn't want it. You'd know that if you really knew him."



I don't think I've ever heard him say that much at one time, ever...but I didn't pause to marvel at it. I slammed my fist on my desk and began shouting at him. I shouted at him about Duo leaving me for him. I shouted at him about him rejecting Duo's affections. I shouted at him for using Duo for sex. And I shouted at him about not helping Duo with the orphanage. And then my throat was raw and I quieted. I realized, guiltily, that we were pointing fingers at each other because neither one of us wanted to take responsibility.



//...We have to be with you...//



Heero swallowed. "He never said anything about an orphanage," he whispered. "Not once."



I couldn't speak. Now, I really felt bad.



"He never said anything about wanting me after the wars," he continued. "I would've done anything for him. You have to believe me."



I closed my eyes and felt my heart break all over again. I believed him. Goddammit.



//...To live...

...to breathe...

...you're taking over me...//



I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't have many resources up here, Heero," I say softly. "But I'll keep a weather eye while we figure something out."



Heero nodded. "I'm on my way to the Sanq Kingdom. Une's there...and now she has something to do with this. I just know it."



It's my turn to blink. "You think Une has something to do with this?" I ask in a startled voice. "You think it's a Preventer mission?"



Heero didn't answer at first. Then: "It had better not be."



I felt a chill escape down my spine as I heard the dangerous tone. Leave it to Duo to fall for a guy this fucking dangerous.



//...You're taking over me...//