It Wasn't Anything

Chapter 6

Secrets

Ed snuggled in closer to his lover’s side. His demons were cleansed for the time being. As he let his mind wander, he reflected back on the last few days’ events. He recognized he needed some explanations. What was it exactly they had between them? “Roy?” Ed was pensive, not really sure how to bring up the topic he wanted to discuss.

“Yes, Ed.” Roy had almost been asleep.

“Um, why me? I mean, why did you pick me, that night, on my birthday?” Ed pushed his face into Roy’s chest, attempting to hide in case he didn’t like the answer he was about to receive.

Roy felt uneasy with the question. He realized he needed to choose his words wisely as he internally reviewed some of the strange comments and questions he’d heard out of Ed. The last thing he wanted was to hurt him unnecessarily. “Well, Ed, I-I guess I’ve always been drawn to you. You probably never would have guessed it, though. I’d never have done anything before you were of age.” He hoped his answer would end the discussion.

Ed felt a little bolder. “But, why were you drawn to me? How did you know I, I’ve had weird feelings for boys before?”

“I didn’t. I just took a chance and hoped it would turn out okay.” Roy realized he hadn’t answered the first part of the question. “I don’t know why I was drawn to you, I guess maybe I see things in you that are lacking in myself.”

Ed propped up on his arms and looked Roy directly in the eyes. His golden locks formed a veil around them. “What do you see? What is in me that could possibly be worth your time? How could you have picked me when I’m so, so, such a freak?” His voice reflected his growing anxiousness. He needed Roy to make him okay, to fix the child inside that was abandoned by his father, watched helplessly as his mother died, and caused his brother to live in a body made of metal.

Roy became alarmed at the direction the questions were taking and the word he used for himself. He had no idea Ed felt so poorly about himself. It certainly never showed in his work or in his previous relationship with him. He never would have treated him the way he did if he’d known that. He saw the glitter of tears pooling in Ed’s eyes. It was difficult to witness the agony twisting his beautiful face.

Roy put a fierce grip on Ed's arms and began to shake him. “Ed, don’t say that. Goddamn-it, you are not a freak!"

Ed’s tears spilled onto his cheeks and ran down to his delicate chin. His mouth hung open.

“You are not a freak." Suddenly, Roy drew him in close. He held Ed so tight, he hoped he wasn’t crushing him, but his desire to eliminate Ed’s suffering was so strong. He knew all to well what it felt like to hate yourself and he certainly didn’t want Ed to feel that way. “Ed, I can’t let you think like that—"

“But, but you . . . you think I like—" Ed gulped, gaining strength to confess all his sins. “sucking on your, your, too much, and, and . . . I can’t stop thinking about you, about doing things to you, nasty things . . . and my brother caught me in the shower, I was, I was thinking about you and me, doing things, and, he caught me, touching myself, and, and I did it at headquarters, in the bathroom. I-I shouldn’t be doing things like that, right? I shouldn’t be like this. Something’s wrong, wrong with me, I-I’m damaged . . . ” His voice mingled with sobs as he broke down completely.

Roy held him even tighter still. The confession broke his heart. His lover’s guilt about his sexuality was beyond anything he’d ever experienced. How much of what he was saying was driven by childhood circumstances? Surely it couldn’t have been easy to lose everything he’d lost. Roy felt his own hot tears roll down the side of his cheeks as he clenched his eyes shut and pushed his face into the top of Ed’s hair. It was then he knew what he had to do. This couldn’t be a casual affair. He spoke gently to the broken young man. “Ed, you are normal. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s perfectly all right to feel like you do, to want the things you want. I love the fact that you like to give me pleasure. I love the reaction you have to it. It’s pure, it’s you.”

“But, do you love . . . me?” Ed's voice was timid. His crying as stopped while he waited for Roy's answer.

Roy gasped. He hadn’t seen that coming. His mind raced. How did he feel exactly about Ed? Did he love him? No. How could he love anyone else but Maes? Even though his body lay cold and decayed in the Earth, he didn’t believe he could ever really love anyone but him. How could he possibly say those words to anyone else? He realized Ed needed to hear it and he’d better say something fast, but what? The truth? In Ed’s current state, would the truth crush him? Roy realized he was in way over his head this time. “Ed, I care deeply for you. It kills me to hear you talk like this. I’ll always be here for you, always.”

Ed felt strangled. His love was not returned. So, this was what love was like, it devastated people. He wondered briefly if his confession was to blame. Maybe he said too much? Maybe he’d scared Roy? Maybe Roy was just being nice, doing the right thing telling him all those convenient explanations. Did it really matter? He knew at least right now, tonight, Roy was his. Maybe he couldn’t have Roy’s heart, but he could have his body. He could make him squirm. He could possess power over him whenever he wanted and he needed to now, just to make himself feel better. He felt himself hardening as he pressed into Roy’s side.

Roy was surprised by how quiet Ed had gotten. When he felt Ed’s erection pressing against him, he even smiled, figuring he’d said the right thing after all. “You didn’t get enough, huh?”

“I can never get enough of you, Roy Mustang.” Ed's voice was unemotional. Loosening himself from Roy’s grasp, he dropped between his legs. He chuckled softly as he realized this was his favorite place, his position of control. He worked Roy with his hands first, making him firm and solid, causing the Flame Alchemist to burn. He watched Roy twist on the bed, moans escaping freely. He put his mouth over Roy, letting the sweet feel of him on his tongue feed his own needs, emotional as well as physical. As his own passion flared, he started to moan. Ed’s groin was humming as he dominated Roy’s reactions. He brought him close to the brink, hovering at the place just before surrender. A tap of the tongue on the right spot, or a tight push downward with his mouth, the choice was his. He decided to make him wait, beg for it even. Ed stopped all movement and peered, lust burning in his eyes, up at Roy, his own erection pulsating with an insatiable desire.

When he stopped, Roy looked down at Ed. He was sitting up with his legs folded underneath him. He appeared wild, inhuman almost. But who cared, he was getting the best damn blow-job he’d ever had. “Come on, Ed, keep going.” Why did he stop anyway? Still getting no response, Roy sat up, reaching down for Ed’s erection, wondering along the way if he stopped because he’d prematurely climaxed again.

As Roy’s hand drew near to his thighs, Ed slapped it away. “Don’t.” His voice was low, like a growl. He couldn’t let Roy touch him, not now. He enjoyed the feeling washing over him. The alluring sensation that he and his lover were so close to the place where everything peeled away and only pure instinct remained. Too bad it faded so quickly. “Beg me, Roy.” Ragged breaths escaped him.

Roy was confused, but he’d comply. He found Ed’s new attitude intoxicating. Lying back down on the bed, he reached his hand out to caress whatever part of Ed he could. He did his best to give Ed what he asked for. “Ed, suck on me, please. I’m so close. You feel so good . . . ” He must have done well. He heard
Ed moan and saw him bend over his knees, falling onto his forearms, positioned on either side of Roy’s waist. Ed’s forehead pressed into Roy’s navel. With the way his hips were swaying, Roy thought maybe he was climaxing now, without him. Then he felt Ed’s warm full lips brushing ticklish areas of his lower abdomen and a tongue licking his skin.

Ed licked a trail down to Roy’s erection and hungrily devoured him. He couldn’t hold off any longer. Even though he’d allowed no physical stimulation, he was ready to burst. Unyielding and insistent with the tempo and pressure he applied, his mouth and flesh hand, worked in tandem. Feeling Roy’s body grow rigid, he could taste his pre-seed. He finally allowed himself some physical contact as he moved his saliva-covered hand over his humming length. He drank the part of Roy he could never have as wave after wave crested through his body and flowed into his hand. He lay down between Roy’s legs, head resting by a hip, panting. “I love you, Roy Mustang,” he whispered, too softly for the recipient to hear.

xxx

The next morning, Ed woke up alone in Roy’s bed again. He lifted himself up from his side, his arms extending as his gaze remained on the rumpled sheets below him. What was he doing here? He remembered the little talk they’d had. Did he make a fool of himself? He shook his head as he thought of all the things he’d said. Roy must think he’s an idiot. He shouldn’t have pushed him like that, shouldn’t have forced Roy to reveal his lack of love for him. And then making Roy beg, oh God, he shouldn’t have done that. What got into him? What sordid fragment of himself was responsible for that? He climbed to the edge of the bed and dressed, trying to push his self-doubt back into a mental closet. He couldn’t sit around his dorm room again today. He just couldn’t handle being left alone with his thoughts again. He required distraction.

After dressing, he walked towards the Colonel’s front door and stopped again at the small table that held the picture of Roy with Meas. He noticed a slender drawer just under the top, almost hidden. Impulsively, he pulled the drawer open. There were letters tossed about inside, some addressed to the Colonel and some to Maes Hughes. Ed’s heart sank. He shouldn’t read them, shouldn’t try to discover how deep their relationship went. But before his conscience had a chance to catch up to his hand, he already had one open, his eyes hungrily digesting the contents.

Dearest Maes,

I hope this letter finds you well. It seems like it’s been a hundred years since I’ve seen you. I miss you horribly and being here is like a jail sentence. All I can do is count the days until I come home to you. I’m so tired and scared. The front is brutal. The death I’m forced to see is so senseless. It’s starting to haunt me, day and night. All I hear are screams of pain. All I see are other young men, just like me, dying everywhere I look. I need you so badly. I just want to see your smiling face and feel your arms around me. Your memory is the only thing that keeps me going. I promise to make it through, to come back to you. You know how much I love you, maybe too much.

Always,

Roy Mustang

As Ed read the last line a second time, a tear escaped from his cheek and fell to the paper, making a small splash mark. He sniffled, wiped the drop off, refolded the paper, and tucked it away into its envelope, returning it to the drawer. He couldn’t help but open another letter and another. Each one disclosed the incredible love they had for each other and the pain and heartache they suffered apart. They’d pledged themselves to one another numerous times. Devotion and a commitment to never be separated again ran through many of the folded papers. Ed’s tears fell silently as he wished he were Maes, wished he could invoke feelings like that from Roy.

So Maes’ marriage to Gracia was only a front, he pondered. How much of their relationship was she aware of and why on earth did Maes ever marry? Then he remembered his own previous view of Colonel Mustang, the womanizer - the man who lived to see women in miniskirts. He guessed they had fooled them all. But why would Mustang feel the need to hide it? He didn’t seem overly concerned about letting affections slip with him? Probably because Maes meant so much more to him, maybe it threatened his plan to become Fuhror somehow. How stupid he’d been. How naive of him to not know any of this had been going on. He wiped his face with the back of his sleeve, placed the last letter back in it’s holder, and shut the drawer before he headed back to his dorm room.

xxx

Ed entered the library feeling refreshed. He’d had a long uneventful shower and his stomach was full. He’d somehow avoided his critical voice. Maybe he’d just been too tired for it to wake up? He tried to come in unnoticed, afraid someone would send him back to his dorm room. He hadn’t seen his brother today. He wondered briefly where he might be. No matter, he had some reading to catch up on and studying to do. It felt good to get out and do something constructive.

-O-

Roy Mustang was feeling guilty, pure and simple. He couldn’t shake this feeling of betrayal. But who was he betraying, Ed or Maes? He’d woken early and showered in the guest bath so he could leave Ed sleeping again. He hated to just leave him there, especially after the heart-wrenching confession he’d witnessed. But he had some thinking to do. He looked out the window of his car, watching the city give way to trees and grass. The car slowed and turned into the cemetery drive, tombstones glowed in the early morning light.

-O-

Ed worked unencumbered for a few hours when he saw Havoc and Fuery enter the building. He jumped from his seat and hid behind a wall of books. He knew if they saw him they’d tell Roy and he’d be ordered home. He held his breath as the two strolled straight in his direction, their voices becoming clear as they approached. He stood as still as he could when he heard them stop just on the other side. Only a thin row of books separated them.

-O-

Roy stood in front of the same tombstone he’d visited countless times. This time was different somehow. The sun peeked behind puffy clouds and the air was warming. A light breeze ruffled his black hair and blue uniform tails. The torturous sorrow he usually had was lessened. He never thought it would get any easier, but it had. His eyes scanned the engraved letters as if they held the essence of the man he’d cherished. Usually when he came here, it was with only two questions, "why" and "why not me". He understood that Hughes did what he had to protect him, took it all on himself so Roy would be spared. But he didn’t ask to be left all alone here. He wasn’t even given the option.

-O-

Ed listened silently as the tall blonde and the spectacled man talked.

“I can’t believe Roy is banging Fullmetal,” Fuery said.

“Why not? He’s fresh blood now that he’s eighteen,” Havoc said, like it was obvious.

“Shouldn’t someone put a stop to it though? He is his subordinate,” Fuery said.

“Shit, Fuery, if they stopped Mustang from fucking his subordinates the guy would have nobody.” Havoc chuckled.

“What? Are you kidding me? He hasn’t, I mean . . . ” Fuery sounded uneasy.

“God, no. I’m not a flaming faggot. But Mustang goes both ways and a lot of the guys get a kick out of sticking it to the Colonel, know what I mean?” Havoc nudged Fuery with his elbow and laughed out loud.

Ed winced. That was painful to hear.

“It all started when Maes Hughes died, you know. They had quite a thing. I mean, sure Maes married Gracia, but he really loved Roy. I overheard them once. The Colonel said he’d never love anyone else.” Havoc's expression changed as he remembered their fallen comrade.

Ed covered his mouth. His lower lip trembled and his body started to shake.

“Well, I wonder how long it will be before he dumps Fullmetal for me then.” Fuery's words held a tone of sarcasm.

There was a short silence.

“Uh, I was just kidding,” Fuery said.

“Shut up and look for that book Hawkeye wanted on homunculus." Havoc said.

One hand clamped tight over Ed's mouth while his free arm wrapped snug around him. Tears blurred his vision. He bent over a little. His subconscious voice had found him. See, the Colonel could never love you. You’re not good enough.

“I can’t believe they found Fullmetal’s mother,” Fuery said, suddenly.

Ed’s mind was ripped back to the present. They found his mother? What the hell?

“Yeah, can’t believe she’d pop up as a homunculus in Ishbal. I guess she must have had a hard time of it until the others found her,” Havoc said.

-O-

Roy's voice was soft as he spoke to the cold gravestone. “Maes, God, how I’ve missed you. I think I have something to tell you though. I hope you’ll forgive me for this. What am I saying, of course you’d forgive me. You’d probably say I should have done this a long time ago.” He chuckled though tears hung suspended on his lower lids. “I have sort of a confession to make. I think I’m moving on. There’s someone who needs me, Maes. You remember that blond boy I brought back from Risembool? Yeah, the one you were always kind of jealous over, so I had to make him stay at your house? Well, I think I actually might, love him now. I know, I promised, to love only you. But, you left me.” Roy started to stammer as the tears flowed. He’d always thought that loving another would mean the special love he had for Maes would be forgotten, like his whole life would be erased. But seeing the tombstone after what happened last night clarified to him he could love again without losing the extraordinary place Maes held in his heart.

-O-

Ed couldn’t remain silent any longer. Bursting out from his hiding place, he confronted the two men. “What do you mean, you found my mother?” he shouted through tears.

Stunned, Havoc and Fuery's eyes darted from each other back to the distraught young alchemist.

Stomping up to Fuery, Ed pulled him down by his lapels so their noses almost touched. “Goddamn-it, tell me where she is or I’ll make you regret it!” he screamed.

“Uh, uh, she’s s-sup—"

“Shut up Fuery! Ed, you need to go back to your room. Forget you ever heard that.” Havoc's voice was firm and loud.

Ed shifted his glare to Havoc and seized his jacket front with his metal hand. “Just give me a reason, Havoc. I’ll break both your legs.” His voice hissed with rage.

“She’s working at the Dubliner, in Ishbal.” Fuery flinched right after the words escaped his lips.

Releasing his grasp and in a flurry of red and black, Ed dashed out the building and into the streets of Central.