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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1144 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters and I make no profit from this fanfic. Any resemblence to living or dead persons is coincidental.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Poisoned Memories

Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows

Part 6

　

Anjaleque felt like she was going insane. She had always been a quiet, patient person, but sitting in the hospital waiting room, with nothing to do but wait for news on her eldest son, she felt anxious and unhinged. The last time she had been here had been the day that Eirie had been born. Though both her sons were normal, active boys, she had been blessed with a lack of much more than skinned knees. The very worst had been that one time when Shi had fallen out of the tree, but nothing like that had happened since. Ever since that incident, Shi had been careful, and with his big brother around, Eirie kept himself out of situations where he might hurt himself. It had been hard enough sitting in this hard chair with the smell of sterile chemicals and poor, hospital coffee, knowing that her child was hurt, but this was different and strange to her.

This was different and strange to her, the concept that she was sitting here in the hospital, but what was broken with her son had nothing to do with bones, there was no wound that she could put a bandage on and could see was healing. When she had gotten the notice from her boss that she needed to go to the hospital, she had assumed the worst. But, in a way, what she had been told by the one of the doctors was worse than what she had been expecting. It had been a relief to hear that Shi wasn�t hurt, and terrible to hear about what he had done. Did the fact that she was only worried about her son�s health, that she could only think that she wanted to take Shi home, that she felt so overprotective of him, instead of feeling shame and horror that he had killed someone make her a bad person? She clenched her shirt in her hands. She just wanted to see Shi, she needed to see with her own eyes that he was ok.

But even if he was physically ok, what was he thinking and feeling right now? She kept remembering how heartbroken Shi had been over hitting that boy, and now that same boy was dead at Shi�s hand. Having to wait for someone to tell her that she could see Shi was nerve racking. And when that same doctor told her that the reason why she couldn�t see him was that their was going to be a criminal investigation, she had almost slapped him and demanded to see her son. It was only a sliver of rationality that told her that if she did that, it would only make it harder for her to see Shi that had kept her from going off the deep end. She wanted to know what had happened, not from some official or cold doctor who hadn�t even been there.

Shi couldn�t have done that. She didn�t care what anyone said, until Shi said so, it hadn�t happened. Of course, she knew that it was probably the truth. Shi had killed someone. But it still didn�t feel real to her. Yes, Shi was different lately. Ever since Vel had mentioned that, she had started to see it, too. But she still couldn�t understand what could have driven a ten year old boy to kill. Even if it had been an accident, she could never see her son as a murderer. Eirie, who sitting between her and his father, hadn�t helped to clarify things much, though she hadn�t expected him to. She didn�t even think Eirie understood what Shi had done, because when she had asked him about it, he had only said that Shi had �made the mean boys stop�.

She wanted to believe that it had just been an accident, that Shi had just been trying to save his brother and things had gotten out of control, but his actions, that blind rage, scared her. She wasn�t scared of him, though, she knew that Shi would never hurt them, but she was scared at the source of the rage, what could have happened to him to make him that way, and what it would do to him if he didn�t release it. Two men in police uniforms walked into the waiting room and Anjaleque and Jonathan stared at him. When one of the cops nodded to Anjaleque, she gritted her teeth and looked away. She hated them almost as much as she had hated her father before they had made up. She knew why they were here. They wanted to take her baby away from her, to lock him up and treat him like a criminal. The mother in her wanted to take Shi from all of this, but she knew that she couldn�t do that.

She should want to do the right thing, but was that exactly? Was it doing what the law said, which was to punish her son, or should she protect him, like she always had? She almost jumped as she felt a hand on hers. She looked over at Jonathan, who had reached over Eirie to squeeze her hand.

�It will be ok,� he promised.

�How can this be ok?� she demanded, �How will this ever be ok?�

�Because I know Shi, and so do you. I have to believe that he isn�t the kind of person who just� kill someone simply because he was angry or vengeful. I know it looks bad. Shi�s had an altercation with this boy before, but I have to believe in our son,� Jonathan said, his voice both passionate and soothing to Anjaleque�s nerves.

They were such simple words, but they made her feel better. She knew that he was right, that they should believe in Shi, that they should stay by him, no matter what. They were family, they were all that Shi had, so they should do anything they could to protect him.

�Do you want any coffee?� Jonathan asked her in a soft tone.

It was too late in the day for either of them to be drinking caffeine, but Anjaleque felt like she had been running all day long and was exhausted. But, she also felt sick to her stomach and was sure that, if she did drink the hospital coffee, she would vomit.

�No, I-,� she started, but the door leading to the hospital opened, silencing her.

A woman with short brown hair approached them with a smile that was disarming to both parents. It was the same woman that had gone through that door a half an hour ago, after introducing herself and telling them that she was here to hear Shi�s side of events. It was a relief to see her again, but it also made Anjaleque�s stomach clench. Both parents rose to meet her and shake her hand. Anjaleque noticed that the police were also approaching the doctor, but suddenly didn�t care.

�Did you talk to Shi?� she demanded.

Dr. Harris nodded.

�Before I say anything else, I know what it�s like for parents in your situation and I know how worried you are for your son. Physically, he�s fine. It doesn�t appear as though the other boy hurt him, he just has some cuts and bruises, but nothing serious at all,� she informed them.

Anjaleque sighed in relief. She hadn�t even realized that she had been worried about that. The male doctor that had spoken to them when they had first arrived, she couldn�t remember his name, had said the same thing, and she hadn�t realized that she hadn�t believed him. But hearing the same thing from a second person had made her believe that Shi was ok. But the way she had said it made Anjaleque realize that it wasn�t Shi�s body that these people were worried about.

�And emotionally?� Jonathan voiced Anjaleque�s concerns, his voice filled with worry for his child.

Harris� demeanor seemed to turn somber as she looked around the waiting room.

�I think we should talk about that privately,� she said, �We can speak on the way to Shi�s room.�

�We can see him?� Anjaleque asked excitedly.

Harris smiled at her.

�Of course. He wants to see you very badly,� she informed the parents.

�Thank you for your help,� Jonathan said sincerely, taking Eirie�s hand as he hopped off his seat, bored with his surroundings, but understanding that they were going to go see his brother.

Jonathan was proud and grateful that Eirie was being so quiet and well-behaved. His stomach was in his throat and he didn�t feel equipped to deal with a hyper child at this point. He was scared that what Eirie had seen might damage him, that he might feel some fear for his brother, but Eirie didn�t seem to understand that Shi had just killed someone and had only asked why they couldn�t see his brother. If Eirie had been scarred by his brother�s violence, he didn�t act like it, and yet he was quieter than usual, like something was weighing on the child. He wanted to find out what it was, why Eirie acted like he always did one minute, then brooded the next, but he found that he could only focus on one child at a time right now. Anjaleque noticed that the two cops were following them as they walked down the hallway, but walking far away enough that the doctor could talk to them without the two men hearing, so she didn�t say anything about it.

�Can you tell us what happened?� Jonathan asked the therapist, �No one will tell us much.�

�Shi wasn�t able to tell me much, either,� Harris confessed, �I don�t think we�ll be able to piece it together completely, but Shi does remember that that boy and some of his friends assaulted his little brother,� she told them, glancing down at Eirie, who was quietly listening to everything.

�He tried to light my hair on fire,� the little redhead said with a little nod, �He said mean things about Shi, too, but Shi made him stop.�

Harris smiled down at him. The violet eyed five year old was utterly adorable, he spoke with the same kind of pride of his big brother that little siblings often did. Here were two boys that loved each other as much as any brothers could love each other, and that love was a big part of why Shi had gone off the deep end. The older boy was just so desperate to be a good big brother, he was losing himself in it. He put Eirie first and ignored his own needs. As wonderful as that brotherly love sounded, it was quite dark considering how hooked on it Shi was, like that love was a drug to him and all that mattered was keeping Eirie safe, keeping that bond safe. Where were Shi�s needs and desires in all of that? Their love for each other was good, it was great, but something had happened to Shi, something that had made it necessary for him to become obsessed with his family and turn it into something twisted. It had forced him to put aside his morals, desires, and even his consciousness just to protect his brother.

�Oh, sweetheart,� Anjaleque said in distraught, stopping her pace to get on her knees and sweep her young son into her arms, �You must have been so scared��

Suddenly, she was glad that that boy was dead, for trying to hurt her son. It was an ugly thought and she immediately pushed it aside, but her shock over Eirie�s words didn�t leave her. If Shi had killed that boy for that reason� how could she ever punish him for it? He had probably saved Eirie�s life. It made sense to her now, why her older son would do something like this. It was still a frightening thought, but she could understand it at least. Shi had a overprotective streak for his brother over a mile wide.

�Have those boys ever hurt you before?� Jonathan asked the five year old.

Eirie shook his head and Anjaleque breathed a sigh of relief, letting him go after checking his hair. There, at the very ends of the red locks, were dead, burned strands, clear evidence at what the boy had tried to do. How close her child had been to being severely hurt made rage well inside of her. She had the sudden, intense need to see Shi, to see him with her own eyes and judge for herself that he was unharmed. She took Eirie�s hand again and they continued to walk, the two parents burying their feelings of anger and protectiveness inside of themselves.

�I think that Shi did what he did to protect his little brother,� Dr. Harris said, �It isn�t quite as clear cut as it sounds, but I think that that was a very big part of Shi�s actions. We can only go on what he remembers, but his memories are incomplete, so it�s hard.�

�You mentioned that before,� Jonathan mentioned, �What do you mean that Shi can�t remember?�

They had arrived at Shi�s room, but Harris stopped just outside the door and looked at the boy�s parents. She wasn�t sure how they would handle this, but she didn�t believe in hiding things from them. She would have to tell the police this anyway.

�Shi told me that he only remembers seeing what the boys were doing to his brother and what had happened right after he had killed the boy. He doesn�t remember anything in the middle. If he were lying, he would say that he doesn�t remember everything at all. He has already admitted that he knows that he killed that boy, but he also shows a great deal of guilt, even though he can�t remember exactly what happened,� she explained.

�You really think the kid isn�t lying?� one of the cops asked from behind them.

Anjaleque had almost forgot that they were even there and felt gratified when the therapist narrowed his eyes at him, looking as annoyed by their presence as Anjaleque was.

�With all respect, officer, I�ve been doing my job for almost twenty years, and I�m quite good at it,� she said testily, not liking being doubted by the people who would, ultimately, decide Shi�s fate, �I�ve met with all kinds of children and I�ve learned the difference between those that are lying and those that are not many years ago.�

�But why can�t he remember?� Anjaleque asked in concern, �Are you sure that that boy didn�t hit him in the head?�

�No, nothing like that,� Harris said while thinking that it would have been easier for Shi if he had been hit on the head and just had amnesia, �Shi is normally overprotective of his little brother, isn�t he?�

Both Jonathan and Anjaleque nodded, Jonathan looking down at his younger son with a small smile.

�Does Shi often become violent when Eirie is concerned?� Harris asked.

�There was one incident a year ago,� Jonathan said, �That boy that died today� Shi punched him. But that was it. He stopped with that first hit and he�s never done anything since then, or before then.�

�I thought so,� Harris said with a nod, �I would be surprised if Shi has been constantly aggressive his entire life.�

�But how?� Anjaleque urged, �How can you possibly know that?�

�I�ve met a lot of children at this job, Mrs. Matthews,� Harris told her, �All kinds, really, all troubled in some way, leading to a violent or destructive act. Some are depressed, some are sociopathic, some need more attention, some have high aggression and anger, and some have been abused. There are hundreds of reasons for a child to act out in the way that Shi has. It doesn�t mean it is anyone�s fault, but there is a reason. However, even though there are hundreds of reasons, I�ve come to find that there is only one thing that separates these kids apart from each other. It�s how they react to what they did.�

�How they react?� Anjaleque repeated, �Are you saying that you can decide my child�s fate just on his reaction to his actions?�

Harris nodded at her.

�I know it sounds a bit cruel, to decide something huge like this on something that seems to small, but a child�s reaction to his or her actions is vastly more important that their reasons for it. Those little things that you understand about Shi, that you know about him, that might have made him attack that boy so severely are also very important, but they aren�t important towards what will decide what will happen to him, legally. They are important to what will happen to him mentally. If we can find out why he did this, it will help us help him,� she said.

�Then, you think that there really is something wrong with him,� Jonathan guessed, �That he didn�t just do this because� because he wanted to hurt that boy for the sake of it. You think that you can help him, prevent him from doing this again.�

�Yes,� Harris agreed

�Shi�s changed,� Anjaleque said in a voice so small, it was almost a whisper, �When he was younger, he was so happy. He was bright and hyper, he smiled all the time. He didn�t have many friends, but he was kind. He loved spending time with us and he was always so patient. Lately� it�s like he�s avoiding us. He hangs out with his best friend and Eirie all the time, but he doesn�t talk to the two of us anymore. He seems anxious all the time, like he�s waiting for something to fall on his head. He doesn�t smile so much anymore. There�s something wrong, but he won�t say. He gets these stomachaches and headaches all the time and I don�t think he�s sleeping.�

�It must be quite hard for the both of you,� the doctor said with a sad smile, �To realize that your child has changed so much, so suddenly.�

Both parents nodded at this.

�We can�t force children to tell us what is happening in their lives,� Harris mused, �I won�t ever tell a parent that they should talk to their children more, because that�s too simplistic. Children tell us what they want us to know, keeping all those dark, mature things bottled up inside, because children, on some level, understand that their parents want them to stay young forever. It�s what every parent wants to believe, that their child will be innocent and happy for the rest of their lives. But that never happens. There are many possibilities why Shi is so hesitant to talk about his problems. Maybe he�s embarrassed. Maybe he thinks you will be mad at him or punish him. Or, worst of all, he may feel that whatever secret he has will make you stop loving him. Depending on the secret, just keeping it bottled up inside may be the cause of his lashing out like that. I believe that it has a great deal to do with the protectiveness he feels for his little brother, and this secret of his. If I can find out the reason, then I can help him. But please understand me. No matter what the reason for his actions is, no matter what he confesses or how much I work with him, I cannot bring Shi back to how he once was, when he was younger. People are not like computers, you can�t restore them. There is no magic button to press for something like that.�

�I don�t want the old Shi back!� Anjaleque said with tears in her eyes, �I just want him to be happy again!�

�Please, Doctor Harris, just tell us what you think is wrong with my son,� Jonathan begged, �Just� give us something to hope for. When they hear about what happened, everyone in this town will call Shi a monster, and I know that just isn�t true. It doesn�t matter to me what those people say, but it will matter to Shi. Can you really help him? Can you make him understand that what people will say about him are just foolish lies?�

Jonathan Matthews didn�t strike Harris as a cold man, but rather one with a lot of self-respect and inner strength. Her brother had been in the military, so she easily saw the signs in the man before her, the upright posture, the surety in his actions, and the way he looked at people, without any hesitance to meet their eyes. So, hearing his words and seeing his utter vulnerability towards his children humbled her. If there was abuse coming from Shi�s family, it was not with his parents.

�Shi is a good boy,� the doctor said affectionately, �He�s very intelligent for his age, but he�s still a child. He understands things very well, but at the same time, he has a very black and white view of his personal world, based on what he has been taught and seen. He can be sympathetic and adaptive to other people, but not towards himself. I see a lot of this kind of behavior in traumatized children.�

Anjaleque practically bristled at that comment.

�Shi isn�t traumatized� he�s never gone through something like that! He�s just a normal ten year old boy,� she protested, fully aware that she was trying to convincer herself and not the therapist, her heart racing at the mere mention of her son and trauma in the same sentence, �What does that even mean? That he can�t feel sympathy and adaptation towards himself?�

Harris almost pointed out to the mother that she didn�t spend every waking moment with Shi, so it was impossible for her to know if a classmate or neighbor had done something to her son, but knew that Anjaleque was aware of that, and to blatantly point it out seemed cruel.

�Your son and I talked quite a bit about right and wrong. As I said, a child�s reaction to their actions is mostly more important than their reasons. When a child doesn�t even see their actions as wrong, or they appear happy or excited by them, that is a clear marker to me that they will most likely act out again, perhaps even on purpose. A big indication of those kinds of personality is how a child reacts the concepts of what is right and what is wrong and how they define their actions in those parameters. When we first started talking, Shi had a very black and white interpretation of what should happen to people who do something wrong, they should be punished. When we talked about several scenarios involving crime, he was able to understand that some people shouldn�t be punished as severely as others. That�s very normal, even for a child Shi�s age.

�However, and this is what concerns me the most, when faced with his own actions, Shi still saw his punishment, his violence, in that original black and white context. He expressed an extreme guilt for killing that boy. He confessed that he had hated him, but that he hadn�t meant to kill him, and that he should be sent to jail for what he did. He acknowledged that people who do bad things to protect a loved one shouldn�t be punished like murderers, but when he confessed that he just wanted to protect his brother, he still believed he should be punished severely. He called himself a murderer. Because of your son�s unwavering guilt about his actions, I�ve determined that Shi didn�t kill that boy on purpose and that he isn�t likely to do it again. Something happened today inside of Shi, something that is only partially due to his urge to protect his brother. I think that your son experienced a minor psychotic break. That would have caused the extreme violence, memory loss, and how he could have done something like this while maintaining all that guilt.�

A sob almost exploded from Anjaleque, but she managed to hold it in by gritting her teeth together, though she couldn�t stop a few tears from falling down her pale cheeks. What was so minor about a psychotic break?! How could anyone just stand there and tell her that her ten-year-old was mentally ill with such a calm expression?!

�I don�t understand this!� she cried, �He�s just a baby! How could he have had a psychotic break?! We�re good parents, aren�t we? Shi shouldn�t have anything so bad in his life that� that he would lash out like that and just forget the whole thing!�

�Anna,� Jonathan murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her, though his own heart felt like it was tearing in two.

Eirie was alarmed at the sight of his mother�s tears, which was very rare, and at the way her voice sounded. He had no idea why his parents were so upset or what was going on, but he understood that it was something bad. It had to be to make his mommy cry. He tugged at her pant leg and reached up to grasp her hand.

�It�s ok, Mommy,� he said once she looked down at him, �Don�t cry.�

Anjaleque smiled at him and leaned down to kiss his head. She still had tears in her eyes, but her younger son�s attempts at comfort made her feel better. Sometimes, children could give you perspective in a way that adults never could. Eirie was so young, he couldn�t possibly understand any of this, but she could tell that he was worried about his brother, too. Seeing him trying to comfort her, it reminded her of Shi. He was so mature sometimes. When she cried, he would hold her hand like her husband often did when she was sad. Shi and Jonathan were so alike. They had that same understanding of what was important. Shi had always gone out of his way to not just look out for his brother, but also for his parents. That hadn�t changed. Even though Shi had changed, that part of his personality hadn�t. And now, he needed them. Did she really have the luxury for tears when he probably didn�t even understand what had happened to him.

�Are you saying that our son has post traumatic stress disorder?� Jonathan asked, speaking in a way that Harris understood that he knew a lot about the disorder and she once again wondered if the man had been in the military or had known someone who had been.

�It�s too early for me to give Shi that kind of a label,� Harris cautioned, �But I do think that something happened to him, something terrible enough to make him change so severely. I think that he was too embarrassed or scared to tell you and he bottled it up inside. Hiding that secret just made him angrier and angrier until he snapped and did this. When he attacked that boy, I don�t think he was even conscious in the way that we think of consciousness. It was more like going on autopilot. His rage literally took him over and all he could think was that that boy was a danger to his brother, so he had to eliminate that danger. It wasn�t until the boy was dead that he came back to himself.�

�Is that your professional opinion?� the other cop asked, his tone serious without a hint of mocking.

�Yes,� Harris said stiffly, �I have my report here,� she handed the cop her clipboard and he studied it intensely, �And I will say this, it is also my professional opinion and recommendation that Shi be allowed to go home with his family. No one will benefit from him being charged with anything. I feel for the dead boy�s parents, but it is my job to help the living, not bring justice to the dead. Punishment will only hurt Shi and set him back.�

Hope blossomed in both of the parents as the cop who had just spoken nodded to the therapist and wrote something down in the pad he carried. All they wanted was to take Shi home and for the cops to leave them alone. If Doctor Harris helped them do that, they would be forever in her debt.

�Now,� the doctor said to the parents with a bright smile, �How about we see your son?�

　

*****

He could hear them talking outside his room, the therapist and his parents. At first, he could only hear Doctor Harris, her voice low and quiet, calm and almost pleasant. Then, he heard his mother�s. At first, it filled him with joy, just to hear her familiar voice, and he had wanted to jump up and run out the door, to hug her tightly and tell her how much he loved her, how much he wanted to go home, how sorry he was. But she sounded so sad, and so angry. She was yelling. She hated him. His father probably hated him, too. And Eirie. He pulled up his long legs and wrapped his arms around them, crushing his knees to his chest. How could they not hate him, after what he had done?

He didn�t even know that kid�s name. He had to be the worst sort of person if he didn�t even know the name of the kid he had killed. That seemed important to him, that he know that boy�s identity, but it would probably just make things more painful. But he didn�t deserve to be spared the pain and consequences of what he had done. He had done something evil, he had no right to hope that things would turn out ok, but he wanted to believe in that. He wanted to believe that his family still loved him, despite what he had done. Maybe this was why his grandfather had raped him. Maybe he knew that he was evil and bad and had decided to punish him for it. But why had Cree seen all that in him while his parents hadn�t? He buried his face in his knees. He didn�t want to be hated. He didn�t want to be evil, either. He just wanted to wake up and find that this was all a nightmare.

The door opened and Doctor Harris walked in. Shi�s heart dropped to his stomach as he saw two cops enter behind her, looking like impenetrable soldiers in their uniforms. Doctor Harris turned to them and for a terrifying moment, Shi was very sure that the doctor had lied to him about seeing his parents and she would scream �Arrest him!�

�Please wait outside,� she ordered them instead, �Give them some privacy.�

To Shi�s amazement, the policemen actually listened to her and left the room. His thoughts stilled completely as his father walked in, holding Eirie�s hand, and his mother followed. His mother stood in the doorway, looking at him, and seemed just as frozen as he was. He was sure that she would start yelling at him at any moment, but she just continued to stand there, looking pale and shaken. He had done that to her. Guilt filled him and he hated himself. He felt more guilty about hurting his mother than he did about killing that boy. Did that make him bad? Was that an evil thought? Suddenly, one moment his mother was just standing there and the next she was kneeling in front of him, sweeping him up in her arms.

�Oh, god, you�re ok,� she sobbed and Shi could feel her tears wetting his shirt, �Thank god��

Her voice was so tight, Shi thought that it might snap at any moment. She was crying, but she wasn�t screaming at him. She was happy that he was safe. She didn�t hate him� She was holding him so tightly, her grip was hurting his ribs, but he didn�t care. He liked this pain. It wasn�t bad. It meant that his mommy still loved him. She wouldn�t hold him like this if she hated him.

�Mom,� he gasped out, wrapping his arms around her neck and hugging her as tightly as she was hugging him.

He realized that he was crying like her, too, but wasn�t embarrassed. He was just too happy to see her. She wouldn�t let them take him away, right? He wanted to believe in that so badly, he wanted to believe in her. From his spot near the door, Jonathan smiled at his wife and older son. Shi didn�t look hurt. His arms were bandaged, but he didn�t seem to have any trouble moving them. He felt something settle inside of him, just being able to see his child.

�I�m sorry,� Shi cried in his mother�s arms, �I didn�t mean to hurt him, I really didn�t! I�m so sorry!�

�Sssh,� Anjaleque soothed, �I know you didn�t do it on purpose. I know you�re sorry. I don�t blame you. You�re my son and I love you. No matter what happens, your father and I will always love you! Never doubt that� we�ll sort this out. Don�t worry about anything. We�ll make it better, I promise.�

Her words made Shi cry harder, striking at his vulnerable heart. He had doubted her, but she had never doubted him. She really did love him, didn�t she? The bands around his heart loosened, letting forth a river of sorrow and relief. He couldn�t stop crying. As long as his parents loved him, he could survive anything. Even Cree. Even his own rage. His mother let go of him, cupping his cheeks and wiping away his tears.

�Baby, don�t cry,� she said in kind softness, �It�s ok. Your daddy and I aren�t mad at you.�

From across the room, Eirie tugged at his father�s pants.

�Why are Shi and Mommy crying?� he asked.

�They�re just happy, that�s all,� Jonathan replied.

Eirie still looked confused about how they could cry so hard, but still be so happy, but accepted his father�s answer.

�But why?� Shi sobbed, �I�m a bad person, I did something evil. You should hate me� I deserve to go to jail��

Jonathan strode over to the bed and knelt down next to Anjaleque, taking one of Shi�s hands in his larger ones.

�We do not hate you, Shi,� he said with conviction, �Your mother is right. We love you. That is more powerful than anything wrong you could do. We will never stop loving you. What you did was wrong, but that doesn�t make you a bad person. You don�t deserve to go to jail, you deserve help. We won�t let them punish you when you couldn�t even stop yourself from doing this. Do you understand, Shi? You aren�t evil.�

He ruffled his son�s hair and Shi gave him a small, relieved smile. He was forgiven? He wasn�t evil? There was something in the darkness of his heart that told him that it couldn�t be true, that they had to be furious at him. He wasn�t worthy of their forgiveness. But this was his father and he would always believe everything that he told him. What did his stupid heart know, anyway? He would rather listen to his father, who was always right, always strong, always good than the doubt in inside of him. It made him feel better. He was just so tired of feeling sick inside, was it so wrong to let someone else tell him it was ok? Harris was watching all of this with a gratified smile, but Shi realized that he didn�t care what she thought about his relationship with his family. He was just glad that all of his fears had turned out to be wrong.

�Eirie, come over here,� Anjaleque said gently.

The little redhead walked slowly to the bed, looking hesitant and anxious, as much as a young child could. As soon as his spirit had relaxed, it plummeted again. His parents hadn�t been there, they hadn�t seen what he had done, but Eirie had. He was probably terrified of him. He was Eirie�s big brother. He was supposed to protect him from things like he had just done. In a way, he had failed him. He had destroyed the bond that he had always cherished. But Eirie was safe. That made it all worth it.

�Eirie� I�m sorry. I never wanted you to see that,� Shi said mournfully, �I never should have done what I did-,�

�You pushed me!� Eirie yelled, his eyes squeezed shut, �Why did you shove me so hard?!�

Shi stared at him in astonishment. He was upset about that?! Eirie wasn�t scared of him because of his violence, he was just pissed that he had shoved him away? He almost laughed at the oddness of all this. He felt like he was forever wafting back and forth from sorrow to relief, realizing that the only one who hated him for what he had done was himself. He reached out his hand to his little brother.

�I�m sorry, Eir�,� Shi said earnestly, �I was just worried that you might be hurt� that I might hurt you. I never meant to push you that hard. Can you forgive me?�

Eirie sniffed, but took his big brother�s hand, like he so often did, almost without thought.

�But you would never hurt me! I know you wouldn�t hurt me. You made them stop. They were so mean, but you made them stop,� Eirie spoke so simply, like he was telling his brother that the sky was blue or apples were fruit, things that Shi ought to know, and if he didn�t, he was just being silly.

Shi almost started to cry again. Eirie believed that he wouldn�t hurt him, so why couldn�t he believe it, too? He picked his little brother up and hugged him.

�Thank you, Eir�,� he murmured against the little boy�s silken hair.

�Why?� Eirie asked in confusion even as he hugged Shi back.

�For being such a great little brother,� the tall blonde responded, closing his eyes in bliss.

His family loved him. Eirie beamed, his head on Shi�s shoulder, at the praise coming from his big brother.

�You can�t go in there!� they all became tense and Shi opened his eyes in anxiousness as they heard someone yelling in the hallway.

Jonathan quickly recognized the voice as one of the policemen and stood, ready to face anything. The door swung open again and an average looking man with a thin beard and a woman wearing a brown dress strode through, looking like warriors just looking for a battlefield. They were breathing hard, their eyes darting around wildly. That alone set Jonathan�s hair on end. He didn�t recognize any of them.

�See?!� the woman furiously pointed at Shi, who shrinked from her mere presence, �You don�t care about this at all!�

The woman whirled and screeched at the two policemen who ran into the room after the couple.

�You�re on their side!� she ranted.

�Who the hell are you?� Jonathan demanded.

The man glared at him with such rage that it caused Anjaleque to gather her two children closer to her, trying to protect them with only her body between them and the two strangers.

�Who am I?� the man laughed, but it didn�t sound like laughter to the two parents, more like a snarl, �I�ll tell you who you are! You�re the parents of that� that thing!�

His wild eyes fell on Shi, who felt that he should stare back in defiance, but buried his head into his mother�s side in fear. He didn�t like the way that these two people were looking at him, like rabid dogs would look at a small cat that had wandered by, ready to tear it apart for no other reason than it would make them feel good.

�You�re the parents of the monster that killed my son!� the woman raged, turning to the policemen once again, who looked as though they had no idea what they should do, �Well, aren�t you going to arrest him?! Jail is too good for that little bastard! He should be beaten to a pulp, just like he did to my child! His blood and brains should be all over the floor! Even that would be too good for him!�

The woman looked as though she might stride over to Shi and do what she said should happen to him. Anjaleque glared at her in warning, her gaze just as furious as the other mother�s, looking like a bear with her cubs. Jonathan stood in front of them, shielding his children from the two angry parents and ready to defend his kids, if he had to. The cops took the same stance, standing in front of the intruders, trying to keep the peace.

�I want justice, arrest him!� the woman continued to shriek.

�I understand your sorrow and I�m sorry for your loss,� one of the cops said, �But this is no way to seek justice. Your son is dead. Go and mourn him. Leave this to us.�

�I won�t leave until I see that little shit in chains, or his head bashed in!� the woman hissed in pure hatred, �Do you understand?!� she shouted at Shi, �You�re going to hell! Locked up for the rest of your life!�

She seemed to smile like a crocodile to Shi and he shivered. It was the same way that his grandfather would smile at him, the quirk of the lips that suggested a great power and control over him, a superiority that Shi could never hope to rebel against, but with flat, unfeeling, cruel eyes that made him feel like his guts were being turned inside out. That stare terrified him. His fingers dug into his mother�s shirt. He was old enough to know that mothers weren�t the immortal beings that little kids thought they were, but through everything his grandfather had put him through, there was still a childish part of himself that believed his mother could protect him. He wanted to believe that, had his mother been there that day, she would have stopped her father from raping him. He wanted to believe that she loved him more than Cree, even if it proved false, he wanted to escape from reality with the love his mother was offering him in this moment.

�Please calm down,� the other cop said sharply, sounding irritated with the woman�s constant verbal abuse, �Your son is dead. It�s a terrible thing, but attacking this boy isn�t going to change that fact. Two wrongs don�t make a right. You may want him to go to jail, but that isn�t your call. Nor is it the call of the Matthews, it is ours. I have here,� he waved the clipboard Harris had given him, �the report from our appointed therapist.�

�You�ve already made your decision?� Jonathan asked, forgetting about the other parents for the moment.

The cop nodded to him and Shi noticed that the man looked at his father with respect, though he couldn�t figure out why. His father was tall, but he had a very calm and patient personality that kept him from being bold or impressive.

�We take Dr. Harris� recommendations very seriously in these cases,� the cop told him, �Her recommendation is that Shi receive weekly therapy, including progress reports, instead of being arrested. In lieu of the evidence that Dr. Harris has collected, we�ve decided to do as she�s suggested.�

Relief swept over Anjaleque like a warm wave and she started to cry again, gripping Shi closer to her and crying against his soft hair. Shi couldn�t believe it. He couldn�t decide if he was daydreaming, had gone crazy, or was having some wonderful dream. It was one thing that his parents didn�t want him to go to jail, but for the cops to say that he wasn�t going to go� it made something release inside of him. He wasn�t going to jail� he had to have therapy, but if Dr. Harris was the one doing it, it didn�t sound so bad. He liked Dr. Harris, especially since she was the reason why he wasn�t going to jail. Across the room, the angry mother screeched in a mindless rage, but her husband kept her from leaping at Shi�s family, no doubt because both cops put their hands near their belts, ready to reach for guns, stun guns, batons, or some other tool.

�You bastards!� the woman sobbed, her chest heaving in her rage and sorrow, tears streaming down her red cheeks, �You bastards!�

The fear that Shi felt for the woman dissipated until only guilt remained. She wasn�t like his grandfather. She wasn�t evil, she was just sad. In a way� she was like him, so sad and full of rage, all she wanted was to lash out. But behind the anger, was an even deeper pit of blackness that threatened to suck all of her emotions into it until she felt nothing but tiredness and apathy. By killing her son, he had turned her into the enraged animal he saw now. No matter if anyone blamed him for killing that boy, he was guilty for this woman�s grief.

�That�s enough,� the other cop urged, approaching the parents, ready to escort them out.

Anjaleque was sure that they would try something else and was shocked when the husband put an arm around his wife and started to walk out. Then, the husband looked back at them with a hateful expression.

�I don�t care what these pigs say,� he glared at the cops, �You�re son will pay for this. Even if I have to do it myself. I know where you lot live,� his cold gaze fixed on Shi and Eirie.

Eirie didn�t understand what was happening, why the strangers were so angry at his parents and his big brother, but a terrible fear filled him at the man�s words, definitely understanding that he wanted to hurt his brother. He wrapped his arms around Shi�s arm.

�He won�t really hurt Shi, will he?� he whispered to his mother, but she was staring at the man in shock, shaking a little.

Before either of the cops could even open his mouth to yell at the father, Jonathan strode over to him and slammed him into the wall, his large hands fisted in the man�s shirt. Everyone stared in shock at the usually kind and controlled blonde, especially his wife and children who had never even heard him raise his voice before.

�I�ll make myself perfectly clear,� Jonathan said, his voice wasn�t angry like the other parents� had been, rather, it was cold and far more terrifying than rage, �If you so much as threaten either of my sons, if you give them a dirty look, there will be no cops involve. I will deal with you on my own. I know where you live, too.�

His entire life, Shi had had this image of his father as the kindest, most gentle and rational man on the planet. Seeing that same man turn an enraged, self-righteous father into a pale, trembling mess with some stern words and a little bit of physical action was kind of scary� and kind of awesome. It was like seeing his dad turn into someone completely different, but his father was still there, peering through that intense mask. He had that childish thought of �that�s my dad!� and felt an extreme pride and love for him. Because that man had threatened him� his father had done something this extreme. He felt protected. He felt loved. For a moment� he wanted to tell his father what Cree had done. He wanted his father to pin his grandfather to a wall like that, wanted to see his grandfather turn pale and tremble. His words were still stuck in his throat, but seeing his father like that and feeling his mother�s arms around him, even though he knew that he had brutally killed someone, for the very first time, he had doubts about his belief that his parents would throw him away if they knew about the rapes.

Jonathan let go of the man�s shirt, but his cold look didn�t leave him. The man sauntered back to his wife and let one of the cops lead them out. Shi hoped that their pale, frightened looks meant that neither of them would try to hurt him or his brother, but simply trusted his father to protect them.

�I�m sorry,� the other policeman apologized to Anjaleque, �We should have been able to stop them from harassing you.�

He nodded at Shi and Anjaleque. This time, Anjaleque smiled back at him, no longer feeling defensive about his presence, but she was still glad when he left them alone after signing something on the clipboard and handing it back to Harris. The therapist put the clipboard on a nearby table, walked over to the bed, and knelt down, taking one of Shi�s hands in his. Anjaleque let her as she realized that Shi trusted the woman. He would have to, if he was going to be having sessions with her.

�Shi, do you understand what is going to happen?� the doctor asked kindly, but her tone was far from patronizing.

Shi nodded.

�I can go home with my family,� he said hopefully.

�That�s right,� Harris confirmed, �You can go home, but your parents have to set up some sessions with me.�

�I just have to talk to you, right?� Shi asked.

�Once a week,� she said with a smile, �For as long as it takes to help you.�

Shi bit his lip nervously. He didn�t mind talking to her. She had helped him a lot and she didn�t treat him like a little kid, but he didn�t like the thought of telling her about his grandfather. He couldn�t even tell his parents. But how could she really help him if she didn�t know about that?

�What about Thursday evenings?� Jonathan suggested, all evidence of his previous anger gone.

�That�s fine,� Harris said, �However, even though Shi is a minor and, typically, that would mean either of you would have to join us, I have to suggest that you wait in the waiting room when we talk.�

Jonathan nodded, understanding the importance of Shi having privacy. If either of his parents were listening in, Shi would probably think they were spying on him and wouldn�t be as comfortable to tell personal things. Jonathan wanted to give him his space, especially if it would help him open up. Harris ruffled Shi�s hair and little and walked them out. She gave them her card and shook Shi�s hand, which made him feel kind of like an adult. As they walked out of the hospital, Jonathan held Shi�s hand. Shi felt like he was going to cry, but for once, he was sure that was a good thing.

*****

�You really aren�t mad at me?� Shi asked his mother as she unwrapped the bandages around his arms to take a look at his cuts.

They were in the kitchen, his father at the counter making his little brother a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Eirie and Shi were both sitting at the table, but Eirie was drawing. In the five year old�s world, nothing major had happened today, besides his brother pushing him. Shi was glad. He didn�t want his brother remembering all the bad things that had happened today. He wanted him to be ignorant to all that for many, many years. Having all four of them in one room, watching his father and brother do things that were so normal to them, and feeling his mother�s hands on his arms, caring for him, he was struck by a feeling of contentment. These people were his family. He had come so close to losing them, but here they were, like they had always been. He didn�t know if he deserved it, but something small like this made him feel so happy and really, it didn�t feel small to him.

�Of course not,� Anjaleque said with a small smile, �I�m worried about you, but that�s because I love you. I�m not angry and neither is your father. We understand that you didn�t mean to do what you did. We just want you to get better. You saved your brother, but you didn�t have control over yourself.�

Shi hissed and squirmed as his mother rubbed antibiotics onto his cuts. It was such a childish thing to do, Anjaleque�s smile grew. He could act as tough and mature as he wanted, but he would always be her baby to her and seeing him act like a kid relieved her. His cuts didn�t look all that bad, but she had no idea how he got them. She supposed that it didn�t really matter, and it was kind of pointless to re-bandage his wounds after the hospital had already done it, but it made her feel better. Jonathan handed out his sons� lunches, tradition peanut butter and jelly for Eirie and a peanut butter and Fluff with bananas for Shi. His mother finished bandaging his arms again and went to start making her own lunch. When his father took her place and hugged him tightly, Shi was shocked, but instead of stiffening, he melted into it. His father was holding him, just like he always did, and that was the only thing that mattered to him. He didn�t care why. His father let go of him, only to lightly touch his cheek. His grandfather often touched him like that, but this felt right and special, not twisted.

�You were scared, weren�t you?� Jonathan asked with a sad expression reserved only for fathers worried for their children.

Tears filled Shi�s ruby eyes, but he stubbornly refused to let them fall. His dad understood. Even if his dad had never been scared like that, he got what he had been feeling and was actually worried about him because of it. He nodded.

�I can�t even remember,� he whispered, �How can you do something so horrible and not remember it? When I saw him� I was so terrified,� he voice hitched as he remembered the broken body of the boy he had killed, �How can I be capable of something like that?! I didn�t want to� I felt sick and scared and all I could think about was, if I couldn�t even remember, what if I hurt Eirie like that? That�s why I pushed him away� even if the police say I�m not going to jail, why do I still feel like I should?�

The sight of his older son in such emotional pain and confusion made Jonathan almost cry, too. He gripped Shi�s thin shoulder, feeling his form under his shirt. He felt so frail to him. He supposed that all fathers felt that way about their children. Even their sons. But Shi wasn�t frail and he wasn�t the child that Jonathan wanted to treat him like. Even if, emotionally, he seemed like he would break at any moment, Shi was still staring his actions right in the face, was examining them and trying to figure them out. A child would ignore them, pretend that they didn�t exist, that what they had done wasn�t bad. Even if Shi�s conclusions were wrong and kind of scary, he was brave to acknowledge it all.

�Shi, I know it�s scary, knowing that you�re capable of that kind of thing, but everyone is capable of terrible things. Everyone in the entire world is made up of bad things and good things, it�s the balance between them that decides the kind of person we are. There are people out there that have little bits of good in them, but the rest of them are so bad, those little bits seem too small to us. And there are people who do things like you did, bad things, but are still filled up with good. One or two bad actions don�t make a person bad. You killed someone and that is bad. Don�t let anyone tell you it isn�t. No one should take another�s life, no matter the reason. No one has that right. But you did it to protect your brother. That�s a good thing. You�re kind, smart, and you love your brother. Those are good things, things that make up who you are. Even if your actions were bad, you�re a good person. That�s how I know that you will never hurt your brother, or any of us,� he told Shi.

Shi had never thought of the world in those terms, that a person could be good and bad at the same time, that they weren�t the sum of their actions, that you could do something bad, but not become an evil person. His father�s voice was kind and full of life and in the face of that, it was hard for him to believe that stubborn voice in his head that said he was truly evil.

�But I don�t know what to do,� he sniffed, �What if I do that again? Even if it�s a stranger� even if it isn�t Eirie or you or Mom, what if I hurt someone again?�

�That�s why we�re going to figure this out,� Jonathan said with a smile, �It isn�t like you�ve been punching people out left and right. This was one incident. It was scary for you and shocking, but you didn�t mean to do it and you�ve never done it before now. You don�t have to worry about it so much, ok? You have people to help you. That�s what the therapy is for, to find out why this happened and how to help you. So no more talk about you deserving punishment, ok? The only one who thinks that is you, and it isn�t true. You don�t deserve that.�

Shi nodded and smiled as his father leaned in and kissed his forehead. He loved him so much. He loved how he could make him feel better with just a few words, like he knew him inside and out and actually, his father did. Maybe not the dark stuff, not the secrets, but his thoughts and hopes, he knew those things. Everyone said that he and his dad were exactly alike and he wished that that was true. He wanted to be a kind, wonderful man like his dad. If he turned out like his dad, instead of his grandfather, then everything would be ok. It was just like at the hospital, his father had scared that man, but he had done it without violence. He wanted to be like that. He wanted to be able to solve problems like that without hurting anyone. He wanted to have that kind of confidence and strength to protect the people he loved.

�Daddy, why did you say those things to that man?� he asked.

Jonathan paused for a moment, wondering what Shi was asking.

�You mean why did I threaten him?� he asked.

Shi nodded. Jonathan sighed heavily.

�I guess it was kind of strange, huh?� he mused, �I don�t act like that in front of you boys. Did it scare you?�

�Nu-uh,� Shi said, grinning, �It was kind of cool.�

Jonathan chuckled and ruffled his son�s hair.

�Cool, huh? I don�t know about that� That man was threatening you, threatening all of us, and sometimes, some people need to be threatened back. I was protecting this family, but that isn�t always the answer,� he told Shi, �But� sometimes� when people are scared, they show a side of themselves that people normally don�t see.�

�You were scared?� Shi asked with wide eyes.

His dad was never scared. Not when they watched scary movies or� well, anything, but his father still nodded.

�Yes. A very long time ago, I was a soldier,� Jonathan explained.

Shi tried to imagine his father holding a gun like the soldiers in movies and TV ads, but it was impossible. His dad didn�t even like the fact that there was a gun store in their town, let alone owning one.

�My father was a very conservative man,� Jonathan continued, �He loved this country and I loved it, too. I wanted to have a purpose, to feel like I was protecting people and striving towards some kind of goal. I loved being in the army. I loved going to foreign lands, protecting people against the bad guys, and I loved being able to write to my dad and tell him that he could be proud of me. But even though I loved my job, I learned that there is nothing more important than family. When I married your mother, I let go of my past, of that soldier, and dedicated myself to her, you, and your brother. When you were threatened today, yes, I was terrified, and I let that person come through, because this family is the most important thing in my life. I would do anything to protect you, even something that I don�t like. I think you understand that. You hate what you did, but you protected your brother. That�s why it bothers you so much, isn�t it? Because you can�t decide if what you did was horrible or good.�

Shi stared up at him, shocked at his father�s ability to read him so completely. It made him feel strange, good and bad at the same time, that his father knew him so well, but there were, obviously, things in his father�s past that he had never known. How could this quiet, loving man been in the military? Had his father killed people, too? Somehow, that made him feel better, that his father might understand and sympathize. And why had he considered his family more important than something he had clearly loved? Why had he been here, to marry his mother, instead of overseas? His father stood up and kissed his mother lightly on the lips. It made Shi smile, seeing that proof of his father�s love for his mother, his father�s love for his entire family, so different than his mother�s father. His father whispered something to his mother and she smiled, nodding to him. He left the kitchen and Shi heard him gathering his car keys and leave the house. Shi turned to his mother, who had returned to the sink, cleaning off knives and putting away jars of peanut butter and jelly.

�What did Dad mean, about his family being more important than him being proud of being a soldier?� he asked.

Anjaleque wiped her hands off with a towel and sat down at the table with her children.

�Your father used to be a very dedicated soldier,� she told him, �But he, like you, was very close to his brother. His family was very military. His father, grandfather, uncle, and great-grandfather had all been in some branch of the military. His brother was older than him, but he had been born with asthma. Your grandfather had been very disappointed that his oldest couldn�t enlist and your father had most of his affection and attention when he joined the army. The one reason why your father hesitated to join was because he would be separated from his big brother, but he quickly had ties with his unit and constantly sent his brother letters. It was years before you were born, but back then, this country was being deployed in Africa, to stop some men from hurting people there. There were many, many wars and it went on for a long time, but your father wanted to protect the people who were being hurt, so he stayed. Then, one day, he received a letter from his mother saying that his brother had died. All your father wanted was to take a leave to attend your uncle�s funeral, but there was a small war going on in the African country he was in at the time and his superiors wouldn�t let him leave so suddenly. He talked with his father on the phone, but your grandfather refused to let him come home. When your father disobeyed orders and showed up at his brother�s funeral anyway, his father was furious at him.�

�Did Daddy get in trouble?� Eirie asked, not really understanding what all the fuss was about his dad being a soldier, but understanding that his dad had done something wrong.

�No, honey,� she told him, �He would have. His father wanted him to be court marshaled, and he would have been if not for your great uncle, who worked for the government. He thought that your father�s father was being silly and helped your father out. After all of that was over, your father decided to quit the army, forever. His father refused to speak to him, but your father realized that his family was more important than his military career. He helped out your grandmother through her grief, while keeping his distance from his father. His father still hasn�t forgiven him for �abandoning his country�, that�s what he called it.�

�That�s why we never met Dad�s parents?� Shi asked.

Anjaleque nodded.

�That man can certainly hold a grudge, even against his own children,� she said bitterly, suddenly thinking of her own father, �His mother still keeps in touch, but she�s a traditional woman and will never do anything that her husband doesn�t want her to do.�

�But Dad said that family is the most important thing to him,� Shi said, �Isn�t it painful for him not to talk to his dad?�

Anjaleque smiled sadly at him.

�Yes, your father�s ties with his family are very deep, especially since the death of his brother. He feels that he should have been there for his brother. But even though his father doesn�t talk to him, he stands by his decision to leave the army for his brother�s funeral. More than anything else, he loves you boys. You are his family and he will do anything to protect you,� she said.

�If anything happened to Shi, even if I was in outer space, I�d come back for him!� Eirie exclaimed boldly.

His heart brimming with love, Shi lifted Eirie out of his chair, making the child squeak in surprise.

�Dummy,� he murmured as he hugged his little brother tightly, Eirie hugging him back, �I�ll hold you to that.�

�Family is the most important thing,� Shi thought, echoing his father�s beliefs. He would never hurt Eirie. Never ever. He would do anything to protect him, to be there for him, just like his father with his brother. He would go across the entire planet just to be there for him. To save him, he would, had, and always would sell his soul to the devil. With that feeling alone, he might just be able to forgive himself.

　

　

End part 6
　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　
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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows