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Tourniquet	By : DementedGosip Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 975 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
~*~Tourniquet~*~

I want to get
out of here as soon as possible. This room�. How can I
even call it that? It seems more like a cell, a prison. I got up a
while
ago, to ask where there was a bathroom. I noticed a few things. These
windows
are double paned, the blinds in between; only the nurse can adjust
them.
They keep trying to get me to leave the room, to go �socialize� with
all
the other patients. They don�t understand, I don�t want to socialize.
If
I have to talk to anyone, I only want to talk to Duo. Is that so hard
to
understand, to accept?

Either way, they
don�t like that. They want me to talk openly with lots
of people. They need to understand that I don�t want to do that, that�s
what matters right? What I want? I said I was willing to try this
therapy
thing; shouldn�t that be enough for now? Shouldn�t it?

I hope Duo comes
to visit soon, that way I can leave sooner� Hopefully.
They still want me to take a psyche test before I leave. I don�t know
if
it will prove anything. I know which answers they want me to put, and I
know which ones to put to say I�m fine� But will I? I�m not sure what
lengths
I might go to, to get out of here, away from these people. �To get away
from here, and to be with Duo. He has to like me somewhat, right? He
did
come here; he called the ambulance, and stayed with me the whole time
in
the car� Not that he�d jump out in the middle of the drive� Duo,
there�s
only a few hours left until visiting hours are over? Are you going to
come?

After eight,
they won�t let you see me any longer tonight�. I wonder
if you will make it, or if you�re even going to try�

A nurse came in
here today, suggesting to me that I should try keeping
a journal. I�m not too sure I like that idea. Anyone could pick it up,
read it, and interpret what I wrote how they fell. A lot of feelings
could
easily get people hurt that way. And I�m sure that if I did keep a
journal,
it would be one where I write something and a therapist writes a
comment
at the end�. I doubt I�d get a good therapist�one how would tell you to
keep a journal for your own good, and not ask to look at it. Then there
are always computer journals, even online journals. But I�m not too
sure
I want random people who don�t even know me reading what I think of
things,
how I�m reacting to everything. Besides, I�d probably get hate mail
from
the hate mail victims�.

I might not mind
it if I wrote something and then Duo commented�. But
then there�s the possibility that he takes something the wrong way�. Or
suppose I wrote something about him and it all gets blown out of
proportion�.
Maybe that�s not such a good idea after all�.

I�ve been
watching more and more TV since I got here. There�s really
nothing else to do here except �socialize�, and I�m not going to do
that.
But do you have any idea how many judge shows and talk shows they play?
Don�t these people have anything better to do with their lives? Well,
well,
looks who�s talking�. But still, I would never sue Quatre even if he
owed
me a $1,000, or if Wufei ruined my living room�. But then again
Quatre�s
a millionaire thanks to that resource satellite and Wufei had such a
strict
upbringing that none of that really matters��. Besides, if you can�t
afford
to loan the money, than don�t loan it, right?

Then again,
people always said I couldn�t be human so maybe I�m smarter
than your average Joe. Although, I�m not sure who I am anymore�. Being
the perfect soldier wasn�t easy, but in the war it came fairly
naturally
at times�. Going to school and being around all those people, as just
another
citizen, it was so much harder. I�m not sure I can handle that kind of
life. No, I think this situation I�m in proves fairly well that I
can�t,
don�t you think?

And now I'm
here... I'm sure they were all shocked. Living
in their oblivious worlds, they never took the time to notice.
And
that might just be something else that gave me that extra push.
But
it seems my cliff has a side cliff. I'll just have to try harder
next time I suppose.

No one can take
this away from me! I'll do what I want!
I'm sure Duo has to be doing this for himself, just like I'm being
selfish
with my own death. He can't really care that much can he?
It's
just not possible! And after the way I snapped I'm sure the
others
never want to see me again. I can't really blame them, I wouldn't
want to see me again either. But then again, I live in me, I have
no choice.

It's funny, that
all these pointless things are what circle around in
my head all day. Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea....
Actually,
I'm probably too screwed up for them to help me any anyway. Even
if I did attended it regularly, I'd bet it would take six years, at
least,
to even make a dent. And even then I'm sure it would be a 'fake
dent'.
That annoying nurse would probably tell me I'm being pessimistic and
that
I should lighten up. I really don't like her. I have a
feeling
Duo would probably want to get her fired. The fucking
bitch.
Fuck, wouldn't that be funny?

I don't think
Duo is going to come back today. Oh well, might
as well put the TV on. See what's playing.

I don't like
sitcoms... they're much too predictable, repetitive.
I suppose everything's been done before and it's hard to make something
new, but still! I really hate those judge shows.... I can
tell
from the very beginning of who's going to be found 'guilty'. Does
that make me a good judge of character? No, look at the 'friends'
I've picked up now.

Am I being too
hard on myself? No, I need to be hard on myself.
Can you possibly understand that? It seems too confusing and mass
to even me... But it does make sense, somehow... What would
Duo think? But then again, that's pointless to ask; he'll never
find
out about these kinds of thoughts I have, I'll make sure of that.
Somehow.

He doesn't care
enough. No one does, not even me. That's just
the way it is sometimes, I suppose. And somehow, I'll get him to
forget, and then I can continue my 'life plan'. I need to figure
out something more complete, something full-proof. I don't want
to
fail again; I don't want to end up back here!

No, what am I
thinking? I can't possibly... but I can, and I am.
Just because I failed it doesn't mean that I've suddenly 'seen the
light'
and all is better! Hell, it's fucking worse now! My life is
now a nightmare and I'm supposed to embrace it with open arms?! I
think fucking not�I'd sooner blow up the whole damned hospital.

Why is it that
even though they hate me, they have to keep me here?!

"Mr. Yuy?
Is something wrong?"

What? My
god... I'm crying.... When? How long....?
Was I really that deep in thought....? Why did she have to snap
me
out of it? I could have slept forever!

But no, that's
something I'd want�can't have me getting something I
actually want, now can we? Why that would just be all to fucking
perfect. "I'm fine."

"Alright, Mr.
Yuy, you have a visitor, Mr. Duo Maxwell. Will you accept
him?" What a fucked up way to put that, sounds like I'm fucking
marrying
him. Now that's a thought...

"Uh, yeah
sure." Hmmm, am I really sure this is what I want?
Do I really want to see him? Maybe I should call the nurse back
and
tell her to tell him to go to hell........ He obviously doesn't
care.
He timed it just perfectly so that now there are only 15 minutes until
visiting hours are over. He obviously doesn't need to talk all
that
bad..... Or wants to, for that matter...... He got to have
a day completely devoid of my presence; Duo must have been thrilled.

Why is he
bothering to even come here? I know he hates me, so
what's the point? Doesn't he see that if he plays with me like
this
he's only going to hurt me even more?! I don't want to be hurt
anymore,
and especially not by him!

"Heero?"
He sounds so unsure... Maybe Quatre or Relena made
him come here. Why else would he be here so late? What
other
reason could there possibly be?

"Hi.....
Duo."

"How ya'
feeling.... buddy?"   He sounds like he could
start bawling any moment now.

"Does it really
make a difference?!" Ohhh, I feel bitchy today.

"Heero! I
asked because I care! I want you to be happy,
damn it!"

"Then get me the
hell out of this jail! How can ANYONE be happy
here?!" Shit... I just had to explode like that, didn't I?
I seem to be doing that more and more lately. And at the same
time
my life seems to be spiraling more and more out of my control.

"Heero?"

"...Yes?"

"Quatre....
He can get us... He can make it so that we can
live together, but we'd also have to move in with him. One of his
sisters in staying with him, Basma, and she's agreeing to be a type of
'home nurse'. If you'll go to therapy once a week, and you'll
move
in, then the hospital will agree. If you agree, we can get you
out
of here first thing in the morning....?"

"fine." I
never once looked up at him; even when I answered him,
I was staring at my hands in my lap. And surprisingly enough, I
really
don't like this new plan.

After that, we
just sat there. Duo followed my example and just stared
at his hands. Neither of us said a single thing for the rest of
the
time. It was only when a nurse walked in telling Duo visiting
hours
were over that he spoke. "Well, I suppose I'll see you tomorrow,
ne Hee-chan?" He gave a small smile, and then left. During
the small exchange I never once took my eyes off my hands.

It was a miracle
in itself that I was able to get to sleep that night,
even more so that I was able to do so rather quickly. I felt so
stressed,
and yet I was able to go straight to sleep. Odd, don't you think?

~oO@Oo~

In the morning,
a small plastic bag had been set aside my bed on my
nightstand, holding the clothes I'd worn when I came in, and my brush,
and other things I'd been brought. So I suppose it's really
happening...
Well, I suppose they've already gotten my stuff from my
apartment.
I would have preferred to do it myself, but I doubt that would
happen.
But then again maybe I'm assuming too much and they haven't.

Pulling on my
now cheap, soap smelling cloths I couldn't help but feel
nervous again. I'm going to have to see Quatre and the others
again
now, I'm not sure I'm prepared for that... After all the things I
said.... And now I'm gonna be LIVING with them?!

I wonder if
anyone even knows about this. I haven't seen it on
the news, which I find rather odd.    I suppose everyone
is keeping this 'hush-hush' for my 'recovery'. Fuck that...

My hair is
greasy, it makes me want to scrape it all off, pull it out
strand by strand. But I'm sure I'd be staying here in the psyche
ward if I tried.

I'm glad Duo's
managed to find a way to get me out of here, but I'm
not sure it was all quite worth it. Am I really going to be able
to pull all of this off? Do I really even know what exactly it
all
is that I'm now subjecting myself to? I'd be lying if I said I
wasn't
scared. I swear I'm about to start shaking. But alas, a
nurse
is here to walk me down to the lobby. Let's see if I can stay
standing...

There are so
many people here. Children, adults, elderly, staff�so
much going on all at once. No one else seems to mind, but for me
it's getting harder and harder to breathe. My stomach is doing
flips,
I'm sweating, and my eyes are starting to water. In short? I'm not sure
how much longer I can handle these halls!

Yes! The
elevator! Getting there the nurse pushed the button
and the doors opened. Letting out five people, I quickly walked in and
push the 'close doors' button, only having enough time to let the nurse
in. An elderly couple had seemed shocked that I hadn't held the
door
for them, and that I had in fact done the exact opposite. The
nurse
gave me a disapproving look but didn't say anything; it didn't matter
to
me. Other than me there were three others in the elevator,
including
the nurse (it still wasn't comfortable), but it was better than being
all
cramped up to the brim, right?

I know the
elevators are fast, but the time still seemed to stretch
on forever. I was unnerved. I mean, who knows what they could be
thinking? She might be thinking of a way right now on how to keep
me here. I'd fucking hate that, might even push me into killing
her....

When the doors
opened again I nearly jumped back, there were seven people
waiting rather rudely right in front of the doors. The nurse
placed
her arm over my shoulders and led me out of the elevator, down a few
halls.
She may have thought this would be comforting, maybe she was just
annoyed.
Either way, it didn't help my situation in the least. I wanted to
crouch down next to a wall and scream and cry, tell them all to get the
FUCK away from me. I think I'm going to be sick....

But apparently
we didn't have time for that because she speeded up,
taking me down the hall in a power-walk type of pace. My stomach
now felt like it was trying to crawl right up out of my throat.
It's
starting to hurt so much I can't breathe...

I decided it
would be best if I just looked down at my feet as she continued
to lead me around, otherwise I might just do something rather stupid
with
this plastic bag...

"Mr. Winner?"

"Heero?
Heero, what's wrong?!"

Oh god, I think
I'm really going to be sick now. There are way
too many people here. They're all so close, why won't they just
back
off and leave me the fuck alone?! He's so close; Quatre keeps
touching
my face as if he's gone blind. The nurse is crouched down and
someone
is rubbing my back. When did I get on the floor? I can't
take
this!   Stop touching me! Get away! Your stupid
little
'comfort' doesn't do shit, don't you get it?! Oh god, I need to
get
out of here, and now. I can't stay here a moment longer!

So I ran.
I held my breath and ran straight out of that damned
hospital.

As soon as I was
standing in the parking lot I fell to my knees, hands
keeping my body up on the pavement. I couldn't feel my body
anymore,
I couldn't take their closeness anymore, I couldn't take all these
feelings
wrapped up in my body. It all just hurt far too much, I couldn't
take any of it anymore! I threw up right there on the pavement,
making
a lovely mess, the act taking all my energy as I fell face first into
it
(I think I might have hurt my nose). It all just hurt so
much.
And now not only having a mess of vomit on myself, I had blood pouring
from my nose.

How wonderful.

But there's no
need to worry about that, because my vision was starting
to lighten, it would be black soon.

~oO@Oo~

I've no idea how
long I slept, it feels like no time at all has passed.
But even as fuzzy as my sight is I can tell I'm not in any
hospital.
Plus there's no annoying needle in my arm. It was dark in the
room;
it makes me want to just lay here forever, to never move. I was
so
comfy, so wonderfully warm. But I can't get back to sleep now, so
what happened? I was in the hospital then.... Fuck. I
can't believe I did that! Now I'm sure they're gonna send me to
some
mental hospital, or at the very least, house arrest. Wait, what
the
hell am I thinking? Of course I'm going to be under house arrest,
when was there ever any question about that?! But I won't let
them
brainwash me, no matter what. I'll do what they want, but they
can't
make me do anything serious like that! I won't let them! I
can't.... I won�t.

"Heero?
Are you awake?" What? When the hell did Quatre
come in?! Maybe the door wasn't closed? I can't possibly be
that rusty�that soft?! And why the hell is he being so damned
nice?
He should hate me, after the way I treated him. Shouldn't he spit
on the ground and tell me to go to hell?

"Where's
Duo?" Well, you can most definitely tell I haven't had
any water recently.

"He's at your
apartment packing up your things. Both Trowa and
I offered but he said he wouldn't let us... �Heero! I'm so
sorry! We should have noticed......"

Why is HE
apologizing?! What did he do wrong?! It's entirely
fault�I'm the only one who should be apologizing! Why is he
crying?!

"Oh god,
Heero! I'm so sorry!" He ran towards the bed I
was now sitting in and hugged me. I would have pushed him away,
but
for some reason I didn't quite want to. He was clutching onto me
so tightly, crying. I didn't have the energy to push him away
from
me, even if I'd really wanted to! So I just sat there and let him
hold me, let him cry onto my chest. When he finally pulled away
about
fifteen minutes later, his eyes were red rimed and salty crystals
trailed
his face. I didn't quite know what to do now, so I asked the
first
thing that came to mind.

"And what about
Wufei? Where is he?"

When Quatre's
eyes grew wide and he looked away, it was like as if someone
had reached into my chest and kept my heart from beating. Suddenly my
whole
body felt cold. "Well, he.... You see, he was brought up
very
strictly..... To be quite honest he didn't like the fact that you
needed our help so badly. He finds the whole situation to be
rather
weak...." (1)

"You mean he
finds ME weak." Just fucking great. Wufei hates
me because I tried to kill myself. Great fucking help with the
self-esteem!
And so then why the fuck was he in the hospital anyway?!

"Heero!
It's not like that. You see, he didn't like what had happened,
but he really snapped, well, after you did." You see, what did I
say? I knew that was going to swing back and hit me in the
face.
I just thought it would be Quatre.

"I'm so sorry,
Heero.... Maybe we should get something to eat,
just forget about Wufei for a while?" Food? I can't eat
right
now. No way in fucking hell.

"No thanks, I'm
not that hungry."

"Heero, if you
don't eat I'm gonna drag you down stairs and shove fork-fulls
of food down your damned throat, got me?"

"Duo!"
Duo? He has a box in his hands. I wonder how long
he's been standing there� Quatre got up to go talk to him alone;
he set the box down when he saw that.

Well, I might as
well get up now I suppose. It�s obvious I'm going to
have to eat something. That thought just seemed to upset my stomach
more
than it had been. Then again I'm not sure I'd even be able to
keep
it down if I did eat it.

I wasn't wearing
the clothes I had on the last time I was conscious.
Now I had a large dress shirt and a pair of boxers on. Wouldn't
it
just be perfect if I had a pair of sunglasses on now? Funny,
you'd think I would feel 'violated' that they had undressed me and
redressed
me, especially in something so revealing. But really, I don't
give
a damn right now. How could I have freaked so bad and messed up
like
that?!

"Heero, I
brought all your stuff up into the hall. But we didn't
know if we should just put it into the room here or another one.
Did you want a certain view? Or did you want to share a room with
Duo?"

What the
hell? Why the hell does it matter?! "Here is fine."
Besides, why the hell should I tramp around this damned mansion looking
for a 'perfect' room?! Hrph.

"Alright. Well
then, let�s go down and get something to eat. Trowa's
waiting in the living room. Then we can come back up here and get
you unpacked ok, Heero? Duo's going to be just down the hall,
Trowa
and me are just around the corner. Umm, I think you know Wufei
isn't
here...... Basma is staying on another floor..... Trowa and
I won't be home much, sorry...."

"Quatre!
Food, now! I'm STARVING!"

Surprising, that
almost made me want to smile at him. Maybe this
wouldn't make Duo sullen after all.

~oOo~ TBC ~oOo~

1)
I think I needed to add this plot twist. I was just so
afraid this was sounding more like amanda02's fic, �Scar Tissue�.
It's not supposed to, but I'm sure it does >.< I've been
trying
so hard, but that fic is just held so high by me, sometimes I can't
help
it. I don't really like Wufei playing a TOTAL ass, but hey, it
might
just give this fic some needed character ^__^
- 6
- 7
- 8
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Tourniquet