Foolish Games

Warnings: Delirium, violence, tons of language, more references to sex, drugs, and rock n roll, and a very pissed off Heero Yuy POV...oh, yeah, and it's a songfic too



Author's Notes: I want to make two things very clear

1. The timeline of this chapter and the one following is in the same couple of days directly following the previous chapter Taking Over Me. It's a bit fast-paced, so if you have any questions, let me know.

2. Heero is NOT mad, or, more specifically, off his rocker, as it were, in this chapter. It's touched on, albeit briefly, that Heero has not eaten or slept in the days preceeding these chapters. He is delirious, not crazy. And we all know how impatient Heero can get i.e. the tragedy at the New Edwards base. So bare with me on this chapter, folks. It hops around a bit.



And the song is Always by Saliva



Rating: R



Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, and all that jazz.



For Miles for asking so nicely :).

Enjoy.











Always

***









//...I hear...

...a voice say, "Don't be so blind."...//



My head is spinning and I see Hilde's face on the vidphone swim in my gaze. My hands are trembling and I shake my head against the dizziness. I can't remember the last time I'd slept but I do know it's been at least two days since I'd eaten.



I had no idea things were so bad. Duo had spent so long staying clean, I refused to believe Barton when he said he thought he was using again. I was so angry at Barton for seeing Duo without letting me know he'd found him first.



I had never heard about this orphanage thing. It stung that Duo wouldn't share this dream with me. Why didn't he tell me?



And I had no idea that he was in love with me.



//...It's telling me all these things...

...that you would probably hide...//



Call me crazy, but you'd think after all these years that's a little secret he'd let me in on.



He's got a funny way of showing it, I thought angrily. Why would he act like it ended at sex if it didn't? Why wouldn't he tell me everything? Why would he leave me? Is this what love is supposed to look like?



//...Am I...

...your one and only desire...//



If it is... I shake my head sadly, not knowing what to even think.



He's always been there for me. Since the very beginning. The pang of guilt in my chest felt like fire and I swallowed it right along with my pride. He sure was. Even when I treated him like shit. Even after I stole his gundam parts and stole his name. Even after I cracked his ribs during the Mariemaia incident. After all these years...and I did what, exactly, for him?



Why didn't he leave me sooner?



//...Am I the reason you breathe...

...Or am I the reason you cry...//



I've always wanted him, that's no secret. I've wanted to be around him, laugh with him, fight with him, smell him, taste him...do I love him? Is that why I miss him so goddamn much?



I cannot believe I've been so careless. I put my head in my hands and groan. Fuck me...



//...Always...

...Always...

...Always...//



Always. That's what he'd say to me if I asked if I could count on him for anything. I don't know why I'd ask him things like that but he'd smile and say, "Always, Heero. Of course."



I clench and unclench my fingers. There'd be time to figure out my feelings for him later. I have to figure out how to reach him.



"Hilde," I say, looking up at the vidphone. "Duo works at the Preventer Base on L2, right?"



She gave me the most bewildered look I've ever seen.



"What?"



"He's at the Unit on L2, right?" I repeat forcefully.



"Of course, not," Hilde stammers out. "He wouldn't be using if he was."



//...Always...

...Always...

...Always...//



I felt the blood drain from my face. I had assumed...Une said she transferred him to another base. When Trowa found him on L2, I had assumed, like we all had, that he was working at the L2 Unit.



She lied to me.



That sodding, goddamn bitch lied to me. My fingers curled into fists. I felt my blood begin to boil and the anger rise up in my chest. The jet disappearing from my base, the transferred soldiers, the lie, Duo using again...



Une's behind this, I fucking know it.



What the hell did she think would be more important that Duo's life?!



//...I just can't live without you...//



I have to get to the bottom of this.



"Keep your eyes open, Hilde," I command. "I'll be in touch."



She nods before she turns off the vidphone.



I stand and look around our empty apartment. At least, that's what it felt like without Duo here. Dear God, has it already been six weeks?



It's been way too long. Way too long. I grab a duffle bag and shove in it the few things I'll need on my trip to the Sanq Kingdom; a toothbrush, shampoo, socks, a pair of jeans, a shirt, boxers, 2 pistols and a hunting knife...



Everything in this place reminds me of Duo. Everything.



Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't I ask?



//...I love you, I hate you...

...I can't get around you...//



I have to get out of here. I'll go to Winner's first. He lives in France. I'll tell him and Trowa and they'll come with me. I don't know what Duo's involved in...But it may take a lot to get him out.



No time. No time.



I can't get Duo's smiling face out of my head.



//...I breathe you, I taste you...

...I can't live without you...//



I'm dizzy again and I shake myself from it. I shoulder my bag and walk down the hallway. I've been here too long. Hilde's right, I've been sitting on my ass while Duo's in space killing himself.



What the hell kind of friend am I? I was so angry with him. He'd stung my pride and confused the hell out of me when he left. Why didn't he tell me?



No time.



//...I just can't take anymore...

...Of this life of solitude...//



Is it over? Really over? Would he be doing this without me if he still loved me? Would he have kept the orphanage a secret if he loved me? Did I miss my chance?



I'm done with this. I'm done.



My hands are on the door knob. I turn it and pull it open and the dazzling sunlight blinds me. It's long since stopped raining but I've had no desire to see the sky.



No time.



I'll kill Une for being a sadistic cunt and then I'll go get Duo. I'm coming, Duo. I'm sorry, Duo.



//...I'm guessin' I'm out the door...

...And now I'm done with you...//



No time.



//...Done with you...//



It's fourteen hours later and my lightheadedness has gotten worse. I can barely see straight.



I'm in France, in the receiving room of the Winner Estate, waiting for Winner and Barton to come down to me.



The door opens and they're there. Winner is concerned. Trowa is staring.



"Allah! What the hell happened to you, Heero?"



I'm swaying on my feet but I can still answer him. So I do. "Nothing. Duo is dying. I have to kill Une first. Come with me, I'll show you proof. Then I'll kill Une. Then we'll go save Duo."



"Duo doesn't want anyone saving him, Heero." That was Barton. Fuck you, Barton. You asshole, you left him up there. "He's making his own choices right now. There's nothing we can do. What's this have to do with Une?"



"SHE FUCKING ORDERED HIM UP THERE!!!" I exploded. "SHE LIED!!"



Winner stumbled back, his hand clutching at the fabric of his shirt above his heart. Barton put a hand on his shoulder to steady him.



"He believes he's telling the truth," I hear Winner whisper to Barton.



"Of course he does," Barton answers. "But that doesn't mean he's right."



//...I feel like...

...you don't want me around...//



"Why are you talking like I'm not here," I demand. "I'm right here!"



"When was the last time you ate, Heero?" Winner asks. Damn him. Damn him straight to hell. Duo is dying he wants to offer me tea and cookies.



"Come with me," I repeat. "I'll show you proof. I can get it, I swear."



"Alright, Heero," Winner said, nodding to me. "Let's wait for Wufei. He called a few minutes ago. He says he's been looking for you. We'll regroup, and then we'll go. Meanwhile, I want you to eat something...and maybe sleep a little."



"Sleep?!!!" No, no, no...They're not listening. No time. No fucking time. I'm so dizzy.



I pick up my duffle bag and storm from the room. I'm out the door and down the steps and in the back of the cab that drove me here before they could stop me.



They can't stop me. No one ever could.



//...I guess I'll pack all my things...

...I guess I'll see you around...//



I can't see straight. The trees are racing by my window. Colors are blurring. I can hear him laughing. I smile. I'm coming, I promise.



I blackout.



//...It's all been...

...bottled up until now...//



I wake the instant the cab stops in front of the iron gate of the Sanq Kingdom.



How long was I out? Two hours? Three?



However long it was, I'm thinking a little clearer. I jump out of the cab and stand in front of the gate. I'm trying to remember why I'm here as the cab pulls away.



Oh, yes. To kill Une.



To be honest, I've wanted to for a very long time. I don't know a soul who hasn't. She got away with a lot of shit because of her alleged split personality. Not this time.



Not this time.



//...As I walk out your door...

...All I can hear is the sound...//



I punch in the security code and the gate swings open. I'm walking and the dizziness hits me again.



Goddamit, I thought it was gone. Maybe I should've eaten something at Winner's.



Too late now.



//...of always...//



I'll make it, I coach myself as I storm across the green, perfectly clipped lawn.



My long strides take me through the miles-long garden and around the huge lake.



I turn east and head to the Preventer Headquarters Wing.



She'll be there. I know it.



//...Always...

...Always...

...Always...//



I can see his face floating in my mind. His amethyst eyes are laughing at me.



And I wonder why I'm acting like he's already dead.



//...Always...

...Always...//



He's not. I can't even think that.



No time. I have to get in space. It'll take days to reach him. Days.



No time. No time. No time.



Why the hell did I wait so long?



Why am I acting like a madman?



What the HELL has gotten into me?!



I stop, mid-stride, and see that I'm at the large, red double doors of the Preventer Wing.



//...I just can't live without you...//



I take a deep breath. I can't do this like this. I have to do this levelheaded. If I ever went into a battle like this, J would've never have given me a gundam.



I have to think.



I take another deep breath, filling my lungs with cold, crisp, and blessedly fresh air, and I let it out slowly.



Do I love him?



Do I?



//...I love you, I hate you...

...I can't get around you...

...I breathe you, I taste you...

...I can't live without you...//



I push open the doors and walk slowly to the front desk.



I look at the secretary and she blushes prettily.



"Hello, Mister Yuy," she says. "It's been a long time."



"Une," I say.



"Oh," she stammers, and types quickly into the computer in front of her. "She is in Conference Room 3F. It says she's actually expecting you."



I blink at her. "Expecting me?"



//...I just can't take anymore...

...Of this life of solitude...//



"Yes," she confirms nervously. "She sent out a request for your presence and for the attendance of zero-three, zero-four, and zero-five last night."



"Did she?" I muse aloud.



The frightened woman who blushed so kindly at me minutes ago nodded vigorously.



I grunt, and I leave her staring in my wake.



I swear, Une, you had better have some fucking answers for me.



//...I love you, I hate you...

...I can't live without you...//



I wait patiently at the elevator and, when it arrives, I walk through the opening doors and press the level three button.



The elevator takes me to level three and before I know it I'm in front of Conference Room 3F. I pull out a gun and push in the clip. I stare it for a moment, wondering at the heaviness and familiarity of it.



I open the door and walk inside.



Une, sitting in one of the plush leather seats, uncrossed her long legs and stands up.



"Agent Yuy," she says, and I want to spit at her. "Be welcome."



She asks me to take a seat and I refuse. She nods and says to have it my way. She takes a seat once more and gazes at me.



"Well?" I demanded angrily.



She raises a brow inquisitively.



"Get on with it, then," I say. "What the hell are you waiting for?"



No time.



//...I wrapped my hand around your heart...//



"The others," she says smoothly. "I didn't call this meeting just for you." Fuck you, Une.



I scowl at her. "I noticed the message didn't require zero-two's presence." I'm bluffing. I never actually read the message.



She nods solemnly, her hard brown eyes dark and somber.



//...Why would you tear my world apart?...//



"Goddamn you, Une," I say, surprised at the softness of my voice. "Why did you lie to me?"



"It wasn't to protect you," she says softly. "You have to believe me. It was to protect him."



I rub my hands over my face. "What the hell did you think I was going to do?"



//...Always...//



She smiles gently at me, eyeing the pistol at my side. "Oh, I don't know...Blow my head off, maybe? Screw up the entire operation by heading to space on some crazy, love-blinded rescue mission? Am I getting close?"



I glare at her, my predictability shaming me into silence.



"I never liked the idea of you two working together, but I couldn't bring myself to tear you two apart." She sighs and looks at her hands. "I want you to know, he came to me, Heero. I don't know what happened between you two, but he wanted out. He wanted what I gave him. He actually asked for it."



I'm staring at her but I'm not seeing her. I'm seeing how badly I fucked up what could've been. Maybe if we had talked more...maybe if we had been more honest with each other...maybe...



"He needed money for some orphanage he was trying to put together on L2," she continued. "I offered him a--"



"A death-mission," I finished for her. "You offered him a death-mission for the money he needed for an ORPHANGE?!!"



She paused, a muscle twitching in her jaw. She looked at her hands again.



//...I see...

...the blood all over your hands...//



"Its survival probability wasn't high...but there was a percentage. There was a chance he'd make out alive."



I felt my blood run cold. Oh no... "Don't tell me he's--"



"No, no, he's alive," she paused again. "But just barely."



I'm clenching and unclenching my fingers. I can't speak, I'm so angry with her.



"This is an extremely sensitive mission, Heero," she said, leaning forward in her chair suddenly. "The assassination took weeks, and the information he needed to gather, even longer, and if we blow his cover now, it will all be for nothing and children will still be prostituted on that goddamn colony and people will still kill each other and shoot heroine and starve to death and none of them will ever have a chance at life!"



I nod. "At the expense of Duo Maxwell."



//...Does it make you feel...

...more like a man?...//



"He accepted the job, Heero!" she said, her voice rising to a shout. "What the hell did you think he fought for during the colony wars? You really think he gave a damn about the Earth Sphere? You really think he gave a shit? NO! He wanted to see things different on his home colony, Heero. He wanted things different so that the next generation of children didn't have to grow up the way he had! He flew Deathscythe with a vendetta none of you understand, and you claim to be his friends! And when all was said and done, and peace rang free over the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, Duo goes home and L2 is still L2: filthy, poor, and crime-ridden."



I'm trying to hear her. I'm trying to listen. But I can't stop thinking that she sent Duo on a death-mission for money. That's illegal for a reason.



//...Was it all...

...just a part of your plan?...//



"At least he still has a dream worth fighting for, Heero," she says. "And he's fighting for it. Right now, he's fighting for it. And all you want to do is run up there and blow his cover. I see it all over your face, Heero."



I'm looking at the floor and it swaying back and forth. My dizzy-spells are back full-force and I'm trying to steady myself.



"You'll get him killed if you blow his cover, Heero," I hear her saying. "You have to plan the pull out with us."



I feel the gun slipping from hand and I tighten my fingers. I'm trembling as I unlock the safety mechanism and raise my arm.



//...The pistol's shaking in my hand...

...And all I hear is the sound...//



"At this point, I could care less if you kill me or not, Heero," she is saying. "I'm just asking you to think. Think about what you're doing."



She's right. I'll kill him if I blow his cover. He must be that deep. Why didn't I figure it out? Something's got me blinded. I'm not thinking straight.



I can't even see straight. Duo...



//...of I love you, I hate you...

...I can't get around you...

...I breathe you, I taste you...

...I can't live without you...//



I'm swaying and someone's talking behind me.



"Put the gun down, Heero," he is saying. Who is that? I turn to see but I lose my balance. I'm falling. I'm falling again. Always falling. Always.



The gun fires when I land but the bullet hits nothing. A foot kicks the gun away and I try to stand. Everything's dancing. Even the floor. Duo always loved to dance.



Always.



//...I just can't take anymore...

...Of this life of solitude...//



I'm crawling, trying to get to my feet...but I don't know where they are. Duo would be laughing at me right now...if he were here. He always finds what I do funny. He's always laughing at me. Even when I don't think it's funny.



//...I pick myself off the floor...

...And now I'm done with you...//



Someone hits me on the back of my head and burst of pain erupts behind my eyes. I can't see but I know I'm falling again.



Always falling.



//...always...

...always...//