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The More I Learn to Care For You: Ed's POV	By : squallstorm Category: Fullmetal Alchemist > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 3037 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Disclaimer: I don't
own...Willing to marry into the family though.

Roy's
dialog belongs to ZaKai. Be sure to check out Roy's POV for his side
of this via my profile XD

Chapter
07

Chaos.
The metaphysical concept of disorder, or utter confusion. That was
what Ed first noticed. The chaos of noise, the chaos of shadows
moving through the light under his eyelids, the chaos of touch and
smell. He could smell gasoline, sweat, and blood. He could hear
people moving around, talking, but it was only noise. He could feel
the hard seat below him, knew the feel of his coat on his skin, but
there was something...wrong. Something...abnormal.

“Careful,
now. Cut so you don't jostle him too much,” said a voice
cutting through the noise. Ed moved his eyes beneath his eyelids,
trying to find a meaning in what had been said, and failing. The
voices faded back into the distance, becoming an insistent buzzing in
his ears.

The
drone rose in pitch, and he could feel the sound traveling down
through his body. He could smell metal as it began to heat up and as
the sensation grew, it drew him out of his stupor making his eyes fly
open. He took one second to blearily look around before filling his
lungs and letting loose with a horse cry of pain that rose up over
the other noises.

“He's
awake!”

“Stop
the saw! Stop the saw!”

“Quick,
some morphine!”

Whatever
it was that was causing him pain stopped, leaving his body buzzing
with the remembered sensations. Someone unknown to Ed moved though
the driver's side door and approached him with a syringe. With a
grunt, Ed swallowed. The pain was making it hard to see straight,
and he didn't know what was happening.

Looking
out the front of the nonexistent windshield, Ed saw many people
standing around looking at him. They pointed at him, and at the car.
He could see their mouths moving, but the crowd was too far away to
hear what they were saying. Panting, his chest heaving, Ed shifted
his gaze back to the person in front of him.

“Calm
down, Edward. I'm just going to take the edge off,” said the
woman holding the needle up for Ed to see. Ed stared at the tip, or
tired to, blinking rapidly as his vision swam. “You've been in
an accident and you were injured,” continued the woman. “I'm
here to help you.”

Ed
just stared at her, his mouth open in confusion. An accident...?
Behind him, someone began to tug at his clothing, making him turn his
head to look awkwardly over his shoulder. A man was hacking away at
his coat with a scalpel. He turned back around when he felt a hand
on his left arm, pushing up the sleeve.

“Nngh!”
Ed pulled his hand away from the woman's grip. Panic was finally
staring to hit him. Nothing made sense. Why was he in a car that
looked like this? Why were these strangers here? His eyes danced
around the mangled car and outside, to the people standing around,
gawking.

“This
isn't good. We got to get him out of here, Sherry,” said the
man at Edward's back. “He'll tank if this keeps up.”

“I
know.”

Ed's
arm was tugged back towards the woman and the needle was quickly
inserted into his vein before he knew what was going on. He was too
busy staring at all the faces around him to react. Almost
immediately the high, loud noise started up and the vibrations were
back. Only now, they didn't bother Ed near as much. When the
movement stopped, Ed's jacket, along with his shirt was pulled off
and discarded to the floor of the car.

Someone
put their hands under his arms and he was lifted out of the car,
backwards, and put on a stretcher near the front tire. More people
were moving around him, touching him. His left arm was held up and
someone inserted something into the back of his hand, and then
attached a tube to a glass jar. The voices around him faded away,
making him frown as he tried to understand what was being said. He
could see everyone's lips moving, but no sound was coming out.

More
hands and people swirled around him. Too many people were touching
him. He didn't like to be touched so much. Not if he didn't know
them, and he was sure
he didn't know any of these people. The woman from inside the car
began to cut away at his pants, ripping them down the front of the
leg. Someone was behind him, pressing on his back. His heart rolled
in his chest, making him want to cough.

With
his chest heaving, Ed watched the woman work on his leg and then move
up to his stomach. When her face started to turn green before his
eyes, quickly taking on the appearance of a lizard's, Ed tried to
push her and the gauze in her hand away.

“No!
Stop! Leave me alone! Don't touch me, Envy!” Ed kicked out
with his leg and caught a passing medic in the gut. He began to
shuffle awkwardly to the end of the stretcher, trying to get away.

“Is
he hallucinating? How much did you give him?” asked the
dog-man that was coming towards him. His wrist was lifted and forced
down, while someone pulled his legs out from under his body,
stretching him out on his right side. “Strap him down,”
the dog-man said. Once again, everyone's voice stopped even though
their mouths kept moving.

Ed
stared up into the snout that was over his face, and then it moved
away, and he was no longer able to move. “Don't! Stop!”
cried Ed tugging weakly at the bindings on his left hand and legs.
The stretcher was lifted and the next thing Ed saw was white metal.

“Keep
'im talking, Sherry. Don't let 'im fall asleep.”

“Edward.”
The lizard girl was back, bending over him to look at his face. “My
name's Sherry. You've been in an accident, and have been badly
injured. Do you understand? Edward? I want you to keep looking at
me, okay?” The lizard girl reached out and began to touch his
face, making Ed whimper from the unwanted contact. “I know.
It hurts. Please bear with us. We're taking you to the hospital
now, where they'll fix you up, okay?”

Her
voice faded. There was too much going on, and Ed couldn't keep up.
Nothing made sense. Ed continued to watch the lizard's mouth move,
her tongue sometimes slipping out to taste the air. Then the
confusing bits drifted away, and Ed was playing on a grassy hill with
his brother, their mother yelling at them from the clothes line to
come in to wash up for dinner.

- - - -

With
a violent, full body twitch, Edward Elric's eyes snapped open. He
had the feeling that he had been dreaming for sometime now; weird,
confused images that blended and combined into a mix of his usual
nightmares. Whatever he'd been dreaming about it was quickly fading
to the point that he couldn't even remember what they were about.
Only the lingering sense of horrors lived and re-lived was left with
him now.

He
slowly focused his eyes on the bed frame in front of his face in
confusion. There wasn't a second twin bed in his dorm. His eyes
flickered up to the very high, unfamiliar ceiling and then down to
the empty chair near his feet, and a curtain that was placed at the
foot of his bed. His gaze moved past the chair to another row of
beds lined up under tall windows on the other side of the room.
Where the fuck was he? And how the hell did he get here? He looked
back towards the bed beside him and down the room filled with beds
all the way to the double doors at the end.

He
was currently laying on his right side, nestled against several flat
pillows. A thin blanket was pulled up to his waist, leaving his
upper body feeling a bit chilled. Pulling his left hand up from
beside his stomach, Ed planted his palm into the mattress and pushed.
Though his body felt weak and exhausted, he didn't pay it any mind.
He needed to find out why he was here, and he couldn't see anyone
around.

Gasping
in surprise at the supreme tenderness in his stomach and back, he
halted his attempt. What was that? The sterile feel of the beds,
the standard issue metal bed frames, even the cheep, scratchy bed
sheets, all felt familiar. Then...maybe he was in a hospital.

Settling
back into the pillows weakly, Ed looked down his chest. Reaching
down to pull at his pale green shirt, Ed noticed the tubes attached
to his arm on the back of his hand, and he titled his arm so he could
see it better. He then looked up near his head and saw two glass
jars hanging upside down and dripping some sort of fluid into his
veins.

Returning
to his investigation, he began lifting the fabric of his shirt to
find out what was wrong with him. A large bulky bandage, taped to
his side, was covering his lower left part of his stomach. He could
see rusty red in the very center as whatever wound was under there
seeped blood through all the gauze to the top. Tenderly he began to
touch around the bandages to see how far the soreness extended.

He
bit his lip in concentration. Seems it went pretty far; almost
extending to his lower rib cage. He probed below his waist and found
that even his leg was tender as well. He could feel another bandage
on the top of his left leg, and winced when he pressed a bit too
hard. Even his shoulder hurt when he moved his arm. Three wounds
all along one side... Strange...

Weakly
pulling the shirt back into place, Ed looked over his shoulder and
then back to the doors at the end of the room. Where was everyone?
He had about a million questions that he wanted to ask. Some of
these beds looked used, with rumbled sheets and pillows, so where was
everyone?

Ed
waited patently for a few moments before he became frustrated with
being patient. With a large sigh, he planted his arm into the
mattress once again, and despite the pain, slowly pushed him self
into a sitting position. Panting, he ran his hand over his forehead
to wipe at the sweat there when his fingers caught on another
bandage. He frowned at that, making his head ache. A head wound
too? What
happened to me? Did I get in a fight? His fingers rubbed over his
forehead while he tried to think of who he might have been fighting.

It
was then that he noticed that his auto-mail arm was gone. He felt a
flare of irritation that the hospital staff would disconnect his arm
like that. Why bother? It was just as easy to leave it there. Ed
couldn't think of any reason why the staff would have had to take it
off if he was injured in the back and stomach on the left
side. It didn't make sense. He ran his hand over the port quickly
and then let his hand fall down to his lap.

Working
his legs free of the thin blanket, he swung them over the side of the
bed and looked at the linoleum floor below him. It seemed like a
long way down, but Ed knew that it really
wasn't, but even still...sitting up had drained him. He slouched
over his knees, blandly staring at the floor and wishing someone
would come along.

Where
was everyone? Where was Roy? Didn't he know he was in the hospital?
What about Al? Did he know? He hoped that Roy would have told his
brother. Maybe they were out getting something to eat. Maybe it's
lunch time. He looked at his bedside table and saw a collection of
cards and one small flower arrangement with a single red rose. If he
had his right arm he would have reached out to look at them, but the
thought of twisting around in order to reach them just made him more
tired.

So
I guess someone knows I'm here, going by that,
he thought. Ed sighed. He started to feel kinda lonely here all by
himself. Where is Roy? Why wasn't he here with him? Didn't he
care? Ed sniffled against an intense and sudden feeling of loss. He
felt like bawling his eyes out and he couldn't figure out why. Well,
if Roy wasn't here, he'd go and find him. Wiping at his moist eyes,
Ed shuffled his bum towards the edge of the bed until he was perched
on the very cusp of the mattress. With a small hop, Ed landed
shakily on the cold tiles, his left leg almost collapsing to the
floor if not for the grip he had on the bedding.

Pulling
the needle out with small jerk of his teeth, he let the tubes fall to
away. He hardly noticed the pain of that small irritation compared
to the other complaints of his body. Trailing his hand down the bed
covers, Ed shuffled between his bed and the next, around the chair,
out into the walkway in the middle of the room. He reached across
his body to hold on the bed frame at the end of next bed over,
swaying slightly.

“Hey!”
he croaked hoarsely at the door at the far end. His throat was raw
and dry. Not conductive to speaking at all. Swallowing, he lurched
forward. “Anyone there?” Ed rasped. Panic and fear
warred within him. Where was Roy? As he passed one bed for the
next, his left hand continued to grip at the plain metal bars of each
bed's footboard. “Anyone!” he shouted as loud as his
voice would allow.

He
took a shuddering breath, and an involuntary sob gasped from his
mouth. Gripping the frame of the fifth bed he had passed, he leaned
into it with his right hip. His vision became blurry, and his chin
fell forward onto his chest. He was all alone! There was no one
here. No Al, no Roy, not even any sign of Winry or Pinako. Tears
fell freely onto the floor and the tops of his toes. What could he
do now? He'd barely walked a few feet and he was ready to curl up
and pass out. More tears ran down his cheeks. He didn't want to be
the only one here. Someone, anyone...

He
sank painfully down to the floor to rest on his knees, letting his
hand fall before him to support his weight. His bound hair slid over
his shoulder unnoticed. Roy!
Dammit! Where the fuck are you?
he thought in distress. He knew he was being irrational. Crying
like this, and pushing his obviously wounded body past what it could
handle, but wasn't that the point of being irrational? Doing stupid
things was his specialty after all. That thought just made him cry a
little harder. When was he going to grow up? Why was he reacting
like such a kid?

“Whaa!
You're a jerk, Tommy!” a shrill girl's voice cried.

Ed
looked up through his bangs, with a sniffle, his sobs forgotten, and
watched a small girl with her brown hair in fat, bouncing pig-tails
come running in through the door at the end of the hall; her arm in a
cast with a sling over her neck, and a stuffed black teddy bear in
her other hand. Her soft rubber shoes squeaked on the tiled floor as
she pelted towards him. She was the first person he saw since waking
up, and it was a little kid...not Roy, but a small girl.

“Hey...hey,
you,” croaked Ed. He didn't much care that his face was wet
with tears, he just needed help and some answers. If this kid could
help him out... “Can you help me—get an adult, or
something.”

The
young girl skidded to a stop and stared wide eyed at him, clearly
startled to see him. Clutching the teddy to her body, she blinked at
him stupidly, in Ed's opinion. She then turned around, running at
the door, screaming, “Whaa! The dead kid's alive!”

“That
wasn't very nice,” mumbled Ed. He breathed in as shallowly as
he could, letting his eyes go unfocused as he looked at the molted
colors of the floor beneath him. His wounds were starting to tingle
with pain, growing in intensity with each passing moment. But that
was okay, he'd had much worse.

“What's
the meaning of this, Kelly. I've told you not to run in the halls,
but you continue to disobey me—”

“But,
Nurse Hunter, the dead kid's on the floor.”

Ed
looked up as the loud voices approached the door. The door opened
and the nurse, followed by the same little girl stood looking at him.

“Could
use some help here,” croaked Ed when neither of them moved.

“What
are you doing out of bed? You've been seriously
injured,” the nurse, a large, brisk looking woman admonished,
spurned into action at the sound of his voice. Her steely gray hair
was pulled away from her face into a severe bun at the back of her
head, with her small round spectacles perched on the bridge of her
nose.

“What
if your wounds re-opened?” she scolded, hurrying to his side to
kneel beside him. She brushed his hair off his face so that she
could look at him, tilting his head towards her. “Let me see,”
she commanded and lifted his shirt from the back. Panting softly, Ed
bore all her prodding, his eyes coming to rest on the small girl who
was standing a short distance away.

“What
happened to me?” asked Ed as the nurse gripped him firmly under
his arm, pulling him to his feet.

“You've
been in an accident. By all accounts, a very horrible accident.”

“I
don't remember,” mumbled Ed shuffling along the floor in his
bare feet.

“I
should say not! You've knocked your head so hard that you've given
yourself a very
serious concussion. Now, I need to know, now that you're awake,
what's the last thing you remember clearly?”

“I
remember...” Ed thought back, trying to sort through the fog
of his memories. The last thing he remembered...it was the day after
his blow up at Roy, he'd gotten a muffin and coffee...they had sex,
and then... Ed stumbled over his feet. Roy had attacked him, said
all those things to him. Al hated him. “I remember leaving
the house and then no more,” said Ed gruffly.

“And
your name is?” she prompted.

“Edward
Elric,” he answered.

“How
old are you?”

“Seventeen
and a half,” said Ed, his lips jerking into a smirk as he
remembered that night on New Year's Eve when he'd proudly boasted
about his age to Roy.

The
nurse steered him to the bed, turning him around and helping him sit.
“Now, listen here young man,” the nurse began. Ed
looked up at her stern face, feeling very little considering that he
seemed to be in trouble yet again. “I don't want to see you
out of this bed again, you hear me?”

“Or
what?” he asked numbly.

“Or
I'll strap you to it.” The woman pushed him onto his side,
adjusting the pillows for his comfort, and pulling the blanket over
his legs. “Alright, I'll tell the doctor about this. I'm sure
he'll give you a more through examination later.” The nurse
turned and then stopped short. Clicking her tongue she scooped up
his hand, shaking her head at it. “You even pulled out your
IV, and look what you've done to the back of your hand. Now we're
going to have to use the vein in your arm. I'll be right back.”

Ed
lifted his hand up to look at what he'd done. Blood had dried over
the top of his hand, trailing down between his fingers. The wound
did look quite mangled. It didn't bother him none. He was used to
being poked and worked on. A few more holes in his veins didn't
bother him. Ed let his eyes close while he quietly tried to manage
his growing pain.

“Did
it hurt?”

Slowly,
Ed opened his eyes to look at the girl hovering beside his head,
clutching her bear under her chin. “What?” The small
girl reached out and touched his auto-mail leg lightly. “A
little...” whispered Ed.

“I
might have to get one, if my arm doesn't heal right,” explained
the girl. “But it's really expensive; dad is working really
hard to make sure we have enough money.” Ed nodded. “We
all thought you were dead, cause you didn't move for so long. That
man was always yelling at the nurses and causing trouble.”

“What
man?”

“The
man from the military. Dad didn't like that he was hanging around,
he doesn't like them,” whispered the girl.

That
had to be Roy. “Where is he—the military man? Has he
been here yet today?” questioned Ed. The girl shook her head
hard enough to make her pig-tails slap against her face. Ed sighed.

“Alright,
that's enough, Kelly,” the nurse said when she returned. The
small girl was shooed out of the way and the woman went to work
reinserting the IV needle and reattaching the dip, and then placing a
piece of tape over the whole thing to hold it in place. “It's
good to see you awake. You had us very worried while your fever
spiked at 104.6 °F.”

“That
bad?” asked Ed drowsily. He could feel the cool drip of the
liquid enter his arm and start to work it's magic, making his pain
drift away.

“Very.”

“How
long have I been here?” Ed asked, remembering the girl's
comments about Roy hanging around. She made it sound like he'd been
here forever.

“Going
on four weeks now,” said the nurse, fussing over him for a few
moments more, before leaving him to rest.

He'd
lost
four weeks! He tried to warp his head around what the woman had just
told him. How was that even possible? Ah, and he forgot to ask what
exactly had happened to him. He'd have to try and...remember...to
ask...the next...

Whatever
was in the IV had begun to work on him, letting the pain he'd been
feeling fade away. His mind began to drift in a drug induced daze.
He faintly registered the chirping of the winter birds outside, and
he shivered from the slight chill coming from the window near his
head. Sharp, fast heels clicked down the room towards him, making Ed
open his eyes slowly to see an older, portly man, with a full head of
gray hair, stride towards him.

“Good
morning, Edward. I'm Dr. Maple, how are you feeling?” the man
asked kindly.

“Heavy...and
slow,” said Ed. He frowned and then said, “And thirsty.”

Dr.
Maple chuckled good-naturedly, and scooped up his hand, placing two
fingers over the inside of his wrist. “That's understandable.”
He pulled out a pocket watch from his pant pocket and clicked it
open. “Pulse seems normal,” the doctor said after a
moment. “Now follow my finger with your eyes,” he
directed, which Ed did. “Good...and I'll just test your
reflexes.”

The
doctor flipped up the blanket at the end of the bed and pulled out
his pen, quickly running it up the underside of Ed's flesh foot. The
doctor nodded happily when Ed jerked his foot away. He replaced the
blankets and said, “Well, everything looks good. There was
some speculation that you might have some brain damage, since you
were unconscious for almost ten minutes at the scene of the accident.
With everything else we had to deal with in order to save your life,
we couldn't do more than x-ray your skull for the time being. There
were no signs of hemorrhaging or swelling, nor any skull fractures,
so we remained hopeful that that wouldn't be a further complication.”

“What
happened to my side, and back?” asked Ed, placing his hand
gingerly over his stomach, after he had digested all of the doctor's
explanation.

“Quite
horrific. A section of the car door came loose and impaled you from
behind. The surgeons had a terrible time getting it out of you, and
then repairing the torn organs. There were a couple of tense moments
during surgery, but you fought very hard. The driver, Colonel Roy
Mustang, got off a tad better.” Ed blanched. Shit, it sounded
like he could have died. Roy was with him? “Well, I have to
see another child who's just getting out of surgery, but I'll be back
to speak with you later.”

Ed
watched the doctor leave for a moment before letting his eyelids
slide closed. He hoped Roy would get here soon. He wanted to speak
with him, make sure they were good. He missed him, and he really
wanted Roy to cuddle with him on the bed, but knowing him, he'd not
want to do that so out in public. Maybe holding hands...yeah, that
sounded fine. With that in mind, he slipped into a light doze.

Someone
else entered the room after a time, waking Ed enough for him to
notice, but not fully. The slow uneven steps, and a mismatched clunk
was quickly dismissed, and he started to fall back into sleep when he
heard the shuffle and a chair creak right beside him. When he
finally got his eyes to open he saw Roy.

Ah,
hell, it was good to see Roy. His eyes ran up and down the man's
body taking in all the changes. He had his head in one hand resting
his elbow on his knee and the other in a white plaster cast. A
crutch was leaning on his thigh, and Ed noticed a knee brace on his
left leg. Even dressed in civvies, Ed could tell that Roy was
looking very haggard, and thin. Ed hated that. Roy was such a
commanding presence in not only his life but others as well, that to
see him beaten down like this, to see him broken, was terribly hard
to see.

Shifting
a bit to ease his growing discomfort in his side, Ed, in his typical
brilliant fashion, said the first thing to come to mind. “Hey...you
look like shit,” said Ed, forcing the words past his bone dry
throat.

He
watched in slight amusement as Roy's head jerked up and he looked on
him in surprise. A ghost of a fond smile pulled at Ed's tired face,
as Roy turned away to swallow and then looked back at him. Ah, those
eyes, he loved Roy's eyes. So dark, so hard to understand what was
going on behind those eyes. Those were still the same.

“Yeah...I
guess I do,” Roy said quietly, before looking away again.
Yeah, Roy had a good profile too, Ed mused. That hadn't changed,
either. He turned back to look Ed in the eyes. “How long have
you been awake?” he asked.

Geez,
start with the hard questions, eh? He mentally tried to tally up how
long he'd been awake, but in the end he didn't have a clue.
“Um...like an hour? I don't know, my pocket watch ain't here.”
Ed chuckled then, remembering the way he had been 'yelled' at by the
nurse. “I got in trouble...” he said, wanting to share
his mistake with Roy because he thought it was funny. “I guess
you're not supposed to get outta bed when you're messed up, go
figure.”

But
instead of laughing with him, Roy nodded and averted his eyes. “I
should have warned the nurses that you were a handful,” said
Roy softly.

The
way Roy said that, so like how they used to play back and forth with
their words, but different. It was more sad, more painful,
more...defeated. It made Ed truly worry about what was going to
happen to them now. It seemed that Roy couldn't even look at him.
Was it that bad?

Ed's
heart beat heavy and slow beneath his chest. It seemed that the next
beat wouldn't come, until it did, painfully. Ah, his body couldn't
take this right now. Adrenaline pumped sluggishly throughout his
system, making him edgy, but not being able to do anything about it.
Lifting his hand from the bed, Ed weakly pulled some of his bangs
back that had fallen into his face and tucked it behind his ear. How
to deal with this...how to make it right.

“I
was told what happened...I don't remember it...” confessed Ed,
letting his hand fall back to the mattress. “It sounded
awful.” He hoped Roy hadn't been too upset that day. Maybe he
hadn't seen him messed up. He could tell he was getting shaky, and
tried to calm down. “Are you alright?” asked Ed,
wondering if Roy's injures were as bad as they looked.

Roy
looked at him. “Yeah...” said Roy softly. “Of
course, I'm fine.” Roy paused, seeming to think of something.
“And you?” he asked, and shook his head. “I mean,
obviously you're not alright, but...”

“I've
had worse,” said Ed with a sardonic smile. How much worse can
one get then having a leg ripped from your body and then going back
for more to willingly give your arm to save your younger brother. Or
how about getting auto-mail, and having someone play with your nerves
like they were marbles. This was nothing really. And to distract
Roy, he asked, “What'd
they
do with my arm? Seems stupid to take it off.”

Roy
rubbed his hand over his face before moving it through his hair. Ed
watched the hair fall back into place over Roy's forehead, noting the
scabs scattered across his face. Yep, Roy had definitely lost some
weight. He could see it in his face.

“It
was damaged in the accident. You'll have to get the Rockbell girl to
fix it for you,” said Roy, not meeting his eyes.

Oh
damn. That wasn't what he wanted to hear, not at all. “Well,
fuck,” he cursed, forgetting about his inspection of Roy's
face. He'd been hoping that it was just in a cupboard somewhere,
waiting to be put back in. This changed things dramatically. “She's
going to kill me—” said Ed. Holy crap, Winry was going
to lay into him big time for this. He could just picture how'd she
react upon seeing him all busted up. Which made him wonder if they
even knew yet that he was here. “Did you tell them yet? Does
Al know?” Ed paused as another thought came to him. Al wasn't
here, that much was obvious, was it because he didn't like Ed
anymore?

“Hey,
come closer. I wanna hold your hand...please,” begged Ed. He
wasn't used to feeling insecure, and he just wanted to know that no
matter where he and his brother stood, Roy would be here for him...he
hoped. He realized that Roy was coming to mean a whole hell of a lot
more to him then he would have thought possible, even rivaling Al's
spot in his heart, which had to have taken a lot to manage that one.

Roy
looked at him funny, making Ed swallow weakly. He reached out his
hand towards the man, willing him to come closer. After a moment of
contemplation, Roy pulled his chair forward and stretched his arm
towards Ed's own waiting hand.

“I
tried...” said Roy, letting Ed place his hand in Roy's. “Calls
were made to the Rockbell residence, but it seems that your brother
and Miss Rockbell are away from the house. The old woman said she'd
try to get a message to them.”

Ed
gave Roy's hand a weak squeeze. It was a bit unnerving just how weak
he had become. He, who was always strong, for his brother, for
himself, was now weaker than the kittens Al loved. Irony sucked.
But the thought of Al reminded him of the things Roy had said to him.
That Al was afraid of him.

Al
had gone to Roy with his concerns, and that hurt. Really bad. The
two most important men in his life were going behind his back. He
could forgive Al, even if he hated him. Hell, he could even forgive
Roy for not telling him sooner, he just needed to know what was on
Al's mind.

“You
and Al are close, eh?” asked Ed lowly. “You talk a lot?
Don't you?” he pressed, desperate to know just what Al had said
to Roy. Ed watched closely, wanting to catch any hint of what was
going on in Roy's face.

Roy
flinched and looked down at the bedding. “No...” said
Roy faintly.

Ed
breathed out loudly. Okay, so at least they weren't close. Al was
his
little brother after all. He shouldn't turn to anyone but him.
That's the way brothers worked. Maybe Al just couldn't find a way to
say anything to him. He knew that he was like that sometimes. “But
he told you, didn't he? How much he hates me. What did he tell
you?” asked Ed, his voice cracking with his hurt. Ed
swallowed, trying to retain some control. “Please, just tell
me what he said.”

Roy
gave his hand a squeeze and then stood abruptly, limping over to the
window beside his night table to lean his forehead on the glass. Oh
God. That can't be good. Roy looked so miserable. What had Al
said?

'All
you think about is yourself, and you don’t even stop to
consider what someone else might be thinking or feeling. I don’t
know why I thought this could ever work... You’re obviously
not interested in having a mature relationship.'
Roy had said that about him that day. He'd hurt Roy
too...somehow...he'd been careless with his dealings with Roy, done
something... He'd have to apologize.

“I
hurt you too... Roy--” Ed pulled at the bedding in order to
be able to look at Roy's back. “I...I'm sorry. I don't
remember everything from that day, but I didn't mean to hurt you.”
He must have done something after he left the house that day,
something he couldn't remember. Did he say something? Do something?
He could see himself getting all riled up and blowing up at Roy,
especially after what happened. Sure he was mad about all the things
Roy had said to him, but he felt that now was not the time to bring
that up.

It
was still madding not being able to recall.

“I—I
just didn't
know. I've never been in a relationship before. I didn't know
that you—” Ed chuckled at himself humorlessly.
“Couldn't read my mind. This is all cause of that stupid
dare...” Why had he instigated that? He should have known
better then to taunt Roy like that. He knew that Roy could be just
as stubborn as he was, he should have said something, or done
something sooner, then they wouldn't be where they were now. He
wouldn't feel like he was walking on eggshells while speaking with
Roy.

“Ed...”
Roy began, and then stopped. Ed looked up awkwardly from his
position on the bed, waiting for Roy to continue. “I lied to
you when I said that about your brother,” said Roy, his voice
deep and raw with emotion.

What?
What! He...he lied? As shocked as he felt, a small coil of fear
unwound, knowing that Al still loved him. On the heels of that
thought, another coil of anger wound tight.

“I
should have walked away. I should have let you leave, but I didn't.
This isn't your fault. None of it is,” finished Roy, still
pressing his forehead into the window pane.

“W-what?
But why? What happened? You...” his voice faded. You never
do anything without reason...right? What's the reason? Ed couldn't
take craning his neck any longer. Placing his hand into the
mattress, he pushed his weak body into a sitting position with a
groan of pain. Ah, his stomach, nor his shoulder, liked that at all.
The bandages pulled at his skin, accentuating his tenderness, and he
swore that he could feel the stitches stretch. “Why?”
asked Ed again, sitting now, watching Roy's back.

Roy
lifted his hand and seemed to massage his face. “Ed,
listen...” Roy said, his voice painful for Ed to hear. It was
so hurt, and then he paused. “I'm not a good person,” he
continued quietly. “I...I have a bad habit of saying things I
shouldn't when I'm mad. I thought I could control that with you.
I've just tried to walk away when I was angry, but...” Roy
shook his head and said no more.

Yeah,
Roy had done that a lot. Just, all of a sudden walking away from Ed.
He'd done it for a few little things since New Year's, but the last
major time he done that was at the Legion after their
misunderstanding. He could never understand why Roy did that.
Sometimes it would make Ed even madder, other times he'd be left
feeling confused and unsure.

Maybe
it was because Roy was unsure as well. Maybe Roy didn't know how he
felt about him...maybe he should try and make Roy understand how he
felt about him.

“So...was
any of what you said true? You still want to be with me, right?”
questioned Ed, remembering that Roy had tried to cast him out. Roy
was so far away, he had to get closer. He slid his legs across the
bed and dangled them over the side. Alright, if Roy needed to hear
it, then he'd have to say it. He just hoped he could.

“I...I...”
he said, faltering. Come on, Edward, do it. “Really
like you,” he said in a whisper that he was sure Roy heard
anyway. Not quite what he intended, but it should get the point
across. He could feel his face heat up, and in his nervousness, he
bowed his head and began to play with his lip.

“It
might be better if you found someone else to be with; someone who
will treat you the way you deserve,” Roy said.

Ed
had been staring at the floor, waiting for a similar confession out
of Roy, but what he heard had his head jerking up to stare at the
back of Roy's black hair in astonishment. What the hell is this?
Could it be that Roy really hadn't felt anything for him? At all?
In all the time they were together, he felt nothing? “No...”
he whispered his denial.

No,
there were times that Roy was very tender with him. He even got him
an amazing book for the holidays. A rare book about Xianian fighting
techniques that Ed had spent hours looking at and reading. If he was
uncared for, why go to all the trouble and money to get him something
like that? And what about how Roy held him through the night
whenever he slept over? Why would someone be so tender if they
didn't have feelings for him?

“No!
I won't accept that!” yelled Ed, jumping from the bed in his
anger and distress. He would take Roy's shirt in his hands and shake
the bastard for making him feel like this. When his feet landed on
the cold tiles, his left leg buckled, and to his horror he pitched
forward and collapsed on the floor, a small grunt of pain passing his
lips as his body protested such harsh treatment.

“Didn't
you just tell me you were to stay in bed?” asked Roy, his hand
entering Ed's line of sight.

Ed
glanced at the hand hanging down by his head. Why would Roy hurry
over to help him, when he couldn't move well, if he didn't feel
something for him? It must have been hard to maneuver with that
crutch, and yet, here he was trying to help him up. Ed pulled his
legs up and under him,
favoring his left.

Cradling
his stomach with his hand, Ed panted shallowly, frowning at the
floor. That had to be it. Roy did
care for him. Maybe even a lot... “You're lying,”
stated Ed, still not meeting Roy's gaze nor reaching for his hand.

“Are
you going to take my hand or not?” gritted Roy.

“I
don't believe you! Why are you even here if you don't care?”
shouted Ed, finally looking up at the man hovering over him. His
eyes teared up as he looked into Roy's scabbed-over face. “Fuck,
why can't I stop crying today?” cursed Ed in frustration as his
emotions threatened to overwhelm him for the second time today. He
hated to have Roy see him like this. His body was already so weak;
he didn't want to be weak with his emotions too.
He turned away to scrub at his face.

He
struggled to calm himself enough to be able to deal with this but his
throat was closing up faster then he would imagine it was possible.
He...he needed to—needed a distraction. These drugs were too
numbing. Physical pain ought to clear his head.

Growling
at himself, Ed lifted his arm up and buried his face in the crook of
his elbow. He used his teeth once again to pull the needle out, and
spit it to the floor. Ah, that burned, more than the first time. It
helped to bring him back from the edge, focusing him on what was
going on now. Not sparing a glance at Roy, Ed rolled weakly over
onto his hand and knees, and began to shuffle towards the end of the
bed and away from Roy.

At
the foot of the bed, Ed reached up and glumly used all his strength
to get his wobbly feet under him and stand. Was it just his
imagination or did those drugs wear off already? He wanted to feel,
but damn, everywhere was hurting.

“Roy...or
should I call you Mustang?” asked Ed,
his voice becoming hard and strong in the
face of his pain. He stared across the room at the unused beds
without really seeing them.

“I
suppose you should, Fullmetal,” answered Roy in his smooth,
soft voice.

“You're
such a fucking bastard. Was I only your fuck pet? Eh?”
demanded Ed, his voice getting loud. He glared at Roy from over his
right shoulder. “You said you only wanted to fuck me in the
beginning, right? What? You find something younger, more pleasant?
A woman? A boy?” questioned Ed, his words like poison on his
tongue. “Come on, tell me!”

He
could feel his anger spiraling out of control, and he couldn't take
the rush of such powerful emotions in his state. He was starting to
black out, getting light headed and feeling wobbly. He had to anchor
himself. He squeezed the metal footboard as hard as he could, trying
to prevent another fall.

Roy
limped past him and started to walk down the middle of the room. Ed
watched him warily. Was he just going to leave it like this? Then
Roy stopped.

“That's
right,” said Roy, again with his soft, now flat voice. “That's
all you were to me. Now, get back to bed and let your body heal so
that you can find someone who really...” Roy trailed off.
“Loves...you...” he finished and continued down the hall
towards the door.

Watching
Roy's back move further away, and finally out the door, Ed started to
sway more, as the edges of his vision began to whiten. He wouldn't
believe that Roy didn't have any feelings for him, at all. It just
wasn't possible. He already had
found someone who loved him... Ah,
shit,
he thought slowly, unable to finish that thought. Gonna...faint...
He barely registered letting go of the bed frame before he knew no
more.

--To
Be Continued--

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The More I Learn to Care For You: Ed's POV