Adult-FanFiction.org : Gundam, Beyblade, DBZ, FMA

The More I Learn to Care For You - Roy's POV	By : ZaKai Category: Fullmetal Alchemist > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 3280 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Review
Replies:

Christina:
aww *gives you tissues.� Affie and Rysha: Sorry this wasn�t sooner.� Hope it was worth the wait.� Ri-chan:� *nods* you�re right.� Lots of misunderstandings.� AnA La PaNa83: Sometimes
I think it�s hard to really communicate things to the people you care about
because sometimes people can be so different, and they can take things in such
different ways.� YourSeme:� aww
*gives tissues*

Ed�s
dialogue belongs to kikiko.

-

The More I Learn to Care for You�Roy�s POV

Chapter Seven

Wounded

-

He hadn�t noticed the medics.� Not when they opened the car, not when they
tried to talk to him.� He couldn�t see
them through his tears, couldn�t hear them through his pleading for Ed to wake
up.� His body was so cold, so numb, that
he didn�t feel the hands touch him and when they started to gently pull him away
and out of the car, Roy
weakly fought them.

It was no use.

They won, in the end, and all he could do was watch
in dismay from where they�d sat him as they worked to extract Ed from the
wreckage with some sort of saw.� His body
trembled and every breath seemed to come with less air than he needed.

Someone was speaking to him, but he didn�t
listen.� He couldn�t.� All he could do was hope with everything that
he had that his stupidity hadn�t cost him the ultimate price.� Someone stood in front of him and started
speaking, but Roy
absently pushed himself up with one leg and looked past the person; unable to
take his eyes off of Ed.

The person moved out of his line of sight and a
moment later a blanket was placed gently over his shoulders.� Someone was speaking to him again, something about him needed to sit and about shock,
but it was faint.�

Ed.

He had to be with Ed.

He had to make sure that Ed would be alright...

Tears welled up in his eyes and he whispered, �This
is all my fault...�

�Sir,� the voice said again and he felt someone try
to lead him away.� �Come with me.� You need to be treated.�

Roy shook
his head and when he blinked, the tears that had gathered in his eyes escaped
and trickled down his chilly cheeks.� �I
can�t,� he gasped, not able to get enough air to speak.� �I have to make sure...�

�We�re taking care of him.� Please, come with me.� You�ve sustained some major injuries as well
and you�re in shock.� We need to treat
you.�� There was a pause, then a shouted,
�Johnny, grab David and get a stretcher over here.�� It meant something, Roy was sure, but it meant nothing to
him.�

Suddenly, the saw stopped and there were shouts for
morphine because Ed was awake.� Roy tried to stand, tried
to go to him, but was pushed back into place; the same voice telling him that
they were bringing a stretcher for him and that his subordinate would be okay.

Roy shook
his head vaguely as he watched the other medics with Ed.� The teen was starting to shout now, and Roy tried to get up again
but he cried out as a sharp pain flared in his knee and spread through his
leg.� More tears came, though not from
the pain.� No, the pain was nothing.� It was for Ed, and because he couldn�t get to
him.� He�d done this, and now he couldn�t
even try to help...

�Just a small prick, now,� he heard before a small
pain bit at his uninjured arm.� Roy looked over in time
to see a needle being pulled out, then he felt hands
grab him and move him to lie on something.

�Ed...� Roy
whispered before something was placed over his nose and mouth, supplying him
with more air.� He closed his eyes and
felt warm liquid run down his face from his eyes as he begged silently for Ed
to be okay.

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

Roy opened
his eyes and stared up through the darkness at the ceiling.� The first thing he noticed was that he was
warm�hot, in fact, as if someone had put a whole bundle of blankets on him.

The next thing he noticed was something strapped
over his nose and mouth.� Some sort of
oxygen mask?� He tried to lift a hand,
planning to take it off, but his left arm wouldn�t move, and his right seemed
heavy...

He blinked as he realized that he did indeed have
several blankets on him.� That explained
it... but...� He looked around
again.� Where was Ed?� Was he alright?� Fear pricked at his heart, and panic started
to set in.� He had to know.� He had to find out.

Slowly, Roy
started moving his right arm up in an effort to get out of bed, when the door
opened and the room was flooded with light from the hall. �A woman, a nurse by the look of her uniform,
walked in and messed with a few of the wires and tubes before looking down at
him.� She jumped slightly in surprise
when she realized he was awake.

Pressing a hand to her chest, the nurse took a deep
breath to calm herself before saying, �You scared the livin� daylights outta me, you
know that?�� Roy shrugged a little to show that he hadn�t
meant to.� She shook her head, reached
over, and took the oxygen mask off.� �How
ya feelin�, honey?� she
asked with a slight country accent.

�Dunno,� he answered
weakly, letting the accent of his youth show through a little.� �Why don�t you feel me an� find out?�� To this she merely laughed and asked him what
part of the East he�d grown up in.� �

The woman, Sariah Terihorn, was pleasant enough as she relieved him of a few
of the blankets and checked his vitals.�
She�d also gotten him water for which he couldn�t have been more
grateful for.

He quickly learned that he�d come away from the
accident with a
broken arm, a dislocated knee, and some cuts and bruises.� He�d broken his arm near the elbow joint, and
shattered the bone in his wrist.�
Apparently, he�d need surgery on it, but it wasn�t anything that would
keep him in the hospital any longer than his other injuries.

Unfortunately,
each time he asked about Ed, the nurse quickly changed the subject, telling him
�not to worry his purdy little head about it�.� Finally, Roy reached over with his good hand and held
her arm.� He gazed steadily into her eyes
and whispered, �Please... I have to know... Please understand...�

He
swallowed, not sure how to make her see that he couldn�t go on without at least
knowing.� Not taking her eyes from his,
she reached over and put her hand over the one he�d used to grab her with.�

�Alright,�
she said finally.� �I don�t know much,
but I know they got that boy into surgery as soon as he got here.� That was yesterday.� I know he�s been in a couple times, but...
I�m sorry, I just don�t know more.�

He felt
tired and exhausted, but he used what strength he had to squeeze her arm.� �Find out for me, please... I can�t live not knowing.�� That last
part just slipped out.� He hadn�t meant
to say it, he didn�t want her to know how desperate he was, but it was
true.� He needed to know.� All he could think of was that Ed was dead, or alive but in a state that he�d never fully
recover...��

For a
moment she simply looked at him, then her expression
softened.� �I see,� she said quietly and
gave him a small smile.� �I
understand.� I�ll do what I can for
you.��

Roy slowly let go of her arm, and she
placed it on the bed.� With her
assurances, Roy
closed his eyes and let himself drift back to sleep.

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

Roy�s
first few days after the accident were spent mostly sleeping or being examined
by doctors.� He�d gone into surgery for
his wrist and though they were sure it would heal up alright, the doctors said
that he�d probably have problems with it for the rest of his life.

For now
his left arm was in a cast, and his left knee had a brace around it.� He would have to use a crutch while it
healed, but only time would tell if it would heal properly or if he�d need some
sort of corrective surgery for that as well.

The small
cuts on his forehead were healing up nicely, but they were still a little
tender.� He�d been lucky that he hadn�t
sustained any major injuries to his head.�
Although his injuries were bad, it was the affects of going into shock
that had kept him in the hospital for so long.

He�d had
visitors, of course.� His crew had come,
both to offer condolences and to try cheering him up.� He�d had a half-hearted scolding from
Hawkeye, but he could tell she was more worried than angry.

And then,
of course, there was Ed.�

Nurse Terihorn was kind enough to bring him information about Ed
as she could get it, but it hadn�t satisfied him so when he�d gotten the brace
on his knee and the crutch, Roy
had gotten out of bed and wandered down to the intensive care unit Ed was being
held in for the moment.�

He�d
looked so frail and helpless there that Roy
couldn�t help getting tears in his eyes.�
Guilt had plagued him since he�d woken in the hospital about the things
he�d said to Ed.� He just wanted him to
be okay.� Even if they didn�t stay
together, he at least wanted Ed to live.

Roy hadn�t been able to stay long because he�d been kicked
out when someone noticed he was there�both because there were no visitors in
this area of the hospital and also because Roy wasn�t supposed to be out of bed.

It hadn�t
stopped him from visiting more than once, and each time he�d been sent away,
but at least he�d been able to see him.�
Despite the fact that Ed looked pale and weak, despite the fact that it
hurt to see him like that, it was better to see, better to know.� The last time he�d come, however, Ed had been
gone.� They�d explained that he was out
of the critical phase and that they�d moved him to a different ward.

He�d
meant to ask Nurse Terihorn where they�d moved Ed
when she came in for her shift, but she�d called in sick that night, and the
next day, Roy
had been released from the hospital.

With his
crutch and painkillers in hand, Roy
was led away by Riza Hawkeye and taken home.�
In a way, it was nice to be back in his own
space, but mostly it wasn�t.� There were
too many bad memories that clawed at him when he walked in the door.� Scenes from that horrible morning crashed
against him and he couldn�t stop the tears from running silently down his
cheeks.

It had
hurt to remember Ed�s voice and his tears, and it stung his heart when he saw
the empty glass on the counter.� It hurt
because Ed had drunk it, even though he hated it, and Roy hadn�t even noticed.� He�d drunk it to please the one he cared
about, as if it would calm the rage and silence the hateful words.

He felt
like a complete failure.� He�d really
wanted what he and Ed had to last.� He�d
never felt for anyone else, the way he felt for Ed and he�d tried, really tried to keep himself from
treating Ed the way he�d treated his previous lovers.

For
months Roy had
worked to keep quiet when he was angry or walk away from the situation before
he said something he�d regret.� He�d done
it too, and managed to make this relationship into the longest he�d ever had.

A relationship that was at an end.

That
first night back home he�d dreamt of Ed.�
He�d dreamt of the good times like when they were first dating, or their
first time together.� He�d dreamt of the
holidays and he�d dreamt of their New Year�s Eve date.� They were good dreams, but when he woke he�d
realized that that was all they were.�

Dreams.

Ed was no
longer here, injured because of his stupidity.�
He was alone, and maybe that was for the best.� People like him probably didn�t deserve to be
with someone, especially someone like Ed. �

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

�Well, it�s
good to see that you�re still around.�

Roy frowned but didn�t say anything.� General Hakuro
sounded anything but pleased, and Roy thought
that perhaps the man would have been content to have Roy die in the accident.

The
general shuffled some papers on his desk before looking up at Roy again.�
�I�ve received all the documents from the hospital concerning your
condition.� The doctors recommend that
you be on work release for six to ten weeks.�

Roy nodded.� He�d been told that too, though they�d made a
point to say that ten would be better than six, and if he could get twelve off it
would be best.

Hakuro
cleared his throat before saying, �I�ll give you six weeks off, starting from
the first day you missed last week, so I expect you back here in five
weeks.�� Roy had to keep himself from scowling.� �Also, that will be time off without
pay.��

�What?� Roy exclaimed.� �I have sick leave that I haven�t used!�

A small
smile played on his commanding officer�s face, and he said smoothly, �Your
medical leave will be frozen until after this is over.� You need to understand that you can�t take
the military�s property and be so reckless with it.�

Roy pressed his lips together and
said more calmly than he felt, �I was sick.�
I told you that on the phone.�

Hakuro
gave an exaggerated shrug before saying, �You had a job to do, colonel.� That isn�t a very valid excuse.�� Roy
breathed in deeply, ready to speak again, when the general continued.� �When you return, your check will be
garnished to replace the vehicle you so carelessly destroyed.�

This time
Roy didn�t even
bother to argue.� It was obvious Hakuro was using this situation to prolong his
suffering.� The man didn�t like him, so
he supposed this was to be expected.�
He�d suffer for a while, but it wasn�t as bad as it could be.� He had enough savings to cover his expenses
for the next few weeks at least...

�Is there
anything else, sir?� Roy
asked tightly.� His body felt ridged and
he could feel little prickles of sweat on his skin.

�Yes.�� More shuffling of papers.� �Your military driver�s license is being
revoked.� You�ll need to recertify with
the vehicles stated on the license.�
Please leave that on my desk before you go,� he said in a business-like
manner.

Instead
of waiting, Roy
dug his wallet out of the brown slacks he was wearing and fished the military
license out of his wallet.�

�I also
have a letter here from Central�s Driver�s License Division.� They have requested that your civilian
license be revoked as well.� You should
be receiving a letter in the mail from them soon.�� Roy
pulled his other license out and flipped it onto the desk next to the military
one.

Roy raised an eyebrow and gave the
general a questioning look, wondering if that was all.� �Also,� Hakuro
continued, and Roy
sighed.� Of course, there would be
more...� �Upon your return from leave, a
non-judicial punishment hearing will be conducted to determine whether further penalty
is needed.� You have the right to appeal
in writing if you wish.� Appeals will
need to be made within five days of today.��

Roy felt his heart drop a
little.� Hakuro
was going for the kill on this one...�
Not that any further reprimand from the military would be too horrible
to bear.� He wouldn�t be put to death or
kicked out of the military, it would all just be frustratingly inconvenient.
No, his worst punishment about the whole situation had nothing to do with the
military.� It had to do with Ed.�

�I�ll
remember that, sir,� Roy
said, though he had no plans on submitting an appeal.� It wouldn�t go through.� He had too many enemies in the ranks.

He sat
there silently waiting for more.� After a
few minutes of cleaning up the paperwork on his desk, Hakuro
said casually, �You may leave now.�

Painfully,
Roy got up and
started slowly toward the door.� He was
tired and in pain.� What he really needed
to do was go home, take some pain killers, and sleep, but he wouldn�t quite
yet.� He still had one more thing to do
before he went home.

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

When Roy reached the nurses�
station, he leaned heavily against the counter.�
He�d stopped at the flower shop on his way, buying a single red rose in
a vase, and carried the vase in between his body and his cast.� Now he set it on the counter to alleviate
some pressure while he waited. �His knee
ached and he was almost out of breath from the exertion.� His armpit throbbed from the crutch and he
thought that those pain killers sounded very nice at the moment.

The nurse
on duty was on the phone giving Roy
a chance to look around while he waited.�
He hadn�t known initially where they�d taken Ed, and had needed to inquire
about it.� When he found out they�d sent
him here and Roy
almost felt amused.

Almost.

If it
were a different situation, perhaps he would, but right now...

An older
man with graying hair walked around the corner.�
A white doctor�s jacket hung off of his ample body.� Clearing his throat, Roy said, �Excuse me.��

Looking
up, the doctor said, �Yes?�

�I�m
looking for a �Dr. Maple�...� Roy
left the rest open for the man to respond.

�Ah,
yes.� That would be me,� the jolly
looking man said lightly and walked over to Roy.�
�What can I do for you?�

�My name
is Colonel Roy Mustang and I�m looking for Edward Elric�s
room.�

The man
frowned unhappily, and Roy
could almost see the man processing the information.� �Mustang?�� Roy
nodded, and Dr. Maple�s frown deepened.�
�Aren�t you the one who was driving in that accident?�

Again, Roy nodded, feeling
unhappy about this man already knowing about him.� The older man took a deep breath before
pointing to a door and saying, �He�s in there, but it�s a communal room.� All the rooms in this ward are.�

�May I
ask why he was put in the children�s
ward?� Roy
asked curiously.

�He�s
seventeen,� Doctor Maple said simply.

�And a
half,� Roy said
automatically.

�Yes, but
he�s still under age, so he is in this ward.�

�Edward
Elric is a State Alchemist, and a major in the military.� He should have his own room,� Roy argued irritably.

�Colonel
Mustang,� Dr. Maple said as if talking to a child.� �I do agree that, as a military officer,
Edward should have his own room, and we do often put teenagers older than
fourteen in their own rooms; however, with the hospital in West Central closed
for repairs and remodeling, this has left the other hospitals in Central to
work in extra patients.� We�re short on
individual rooms, so anyone under eighteen must come to the children�s ward.� No exceptions.� It�s unfair, but that�s life.�

Roy pressed his lips together, trying
to think of a loophole to get Ed his own room.�
Unfortunately, there wasn�t one.�
Finally, he nodded and said, �Alright, I�d like to see him, maybe talk
with him...�

�He still
hasn�t regained consciousness,� the doctor said.

�Is
he...� Roy
couldn�t finish, too worried about what could be.�

�I
believe he�ll be fine,� Dr. Maple said assuredly.� �He has a high grade fever and a concussion,
as well as a nearly fatal wound to his torso, but he has spirit, that one.� Anyone who can live through that type of
trauma must be very strong.�

�I still
want to see him,� Roy
pressed.� It wasn�t enough to know Ed
would be fine.� He needed to see him for
himself.

The older
man studied him for a moment before pointing to a door.� �He�s in there.� Right now it�s quiet
time so many of the children are in there as well.� Please be mindful of them.�

Roy nodded, then
said, �One last thing, doctor.� I�m
Fullmetal�s commanding officer.� I�m
going to need copies of all documents the hospital has on him.� I will also require regular updates on his
status.�

Doctor
Maple frowned.� �I�ll do what I can, but
I�m a busy man. Periodic updates are more...�

Roy cut him off.� �Regular
updates, doctor,� Roy
pressed.� When the man said nothing else,
Roy grabbed the
vase, turned, and started for the door indicated.� Opening it, he took a step in and stopped as
he took in the long room before him.

Twenty beds
lined each wall, some with curtains to partition them off; others open so that
the occupants, what few occupants there were, could interact with others in the
room.� Each wall had several large
windows that added to the brightness of the room, giving it a more �cheery�
feel, if that were possible.�

The few
children in the room were staring at him in a way that made him feel a little
uncomfortable, but he shrugged it off and started down the wide �hallway�
between the ends of the beds.

Ed wasn�t
in any of the non-partitioned beds, which meant he must be in one of the beds
near the back of the room.� Just his
luck, he thought a little miserably.� As
he continued, he noticed that each bed, metal frame things painted white, had a
bedside table near them, and thankfully, a chair by that.�

Roy tried to ignore the gawking of
the children, but he couldn�t help himself looking at each one as he passed
them.� Most simply watched him, but there
was one, a little dark-haired girl with her arm in a sling who smiled shyly up
at him and waved her good hand at him.�
He didn�t really feel like responding, but he couldn�t help giving her a
small smile and nodded his head in return.�
Her plump cheeks darkened with a blush and she buried her head bashfully
in a black teddy bear.

His small
smile widened a little at her cute gesture and he let himself be amused by it
until he got to Ed�s bed.� Moving around
the partition, Roy�s
smile faded and he swallowed a lump in his throat.� Ed was lying on his side, and he didn�t look
all that well to him...� Roy moved over and set the vase down on the
small table before pulling the chair away and sitting by Ed�s bed.

Ed�s
face, so peaceful looking in his sleep, was slightly pale where it wasn�t
flushed due to the fever.� Ed�s
golden-blond hair was splayed out over the pillow and Roy couldn�t help reaching up and gently
moving a few strands away from Ed�s face.�
His hand paused there, then moved to softly
caress Ed�s face.�

The skin
was hot to the touch and Roy�s
mouth turned down in a slight frown.�
Hadn�t they said that he was out of danger now?� If so, then why did he have such a high
fever?� He made a mental note to ask
about that before moving his hand down to where Ed�s hand was.�

Carefully,
Roy picked it
up and kissed it softly, avoiding the IV that was piercing Ed�s hand.� �I�m sorry,� he whispered against Ed�s hot
skin.� �I�m...�� His voice broke slightly and he had to blink
away the sudden tears.� �I�m so sorry...�
he breathed.

He kissed
each of Ed�s fingertips, then rested his cheek on the
hand.� This wasn�t right.� Ed being here like this just wasn�t
right.� Lifting his head, Roy stared at Ed again,
thinking of the first time he�d ever laid eyes on Ed.� It had been a cold, rainy night and Ed had
been knocked out then as well.

Roy had been amazed at the young boy
in the bed�someone who could perform human transmutation and actually live though it.� Of course he hadn�t known what a little shit
the kid was given that he�d looked so damn innocent, but...

But.

But now...

Roy shook his head and patted Ed�s
hand.� �You�ll be fine,� he said
weakly.� �That�s what the doctors
say.�� He paused, getting control of his
emotions before continuing.� �You will be fine.� I�m not going to have my last memories of you
be like this, do you hear me?�

No
answer, but then he hadn�t expected one either.

Leaning
over, Roy gently
traced his finger along the smooth edges of Ed�s face.� �I had a meeting with Hakuro
today.�� He paused.� He didn�t want to tell Ed what was going on,
even if he was asleep.� �It seems that
I�m going to need to take more driving classes.�
That�s probably a good thing, right?�

Roy closed his eyes for a
moment.� He was so exhausted.� All this moving around had really worn him
out, and he still needed to walk home.�
Maybe he�d call a cab.

�I
noticed,� Roy
said, opening his eyes. �I noticed you drank the milk.�� Tears pricked at his eyes, but they were
small and he was able to blink them quickly away.� �Thank you...� he whispered.� �You really are too good to me... too good
for me.� You care far too much about
me...�

Roy sat watching over Ed for a long
time before standing wearily.� He
wondered vaguely if he�d have the energy to get home.� Bending over, Roy softly pressed his lips against Ed�s
before pressing his cheek against Ed�s.�
�I know it�s late, but there�s the kiss you wanted... I should have
given it to you before.�� With the
promise of coming back tomorrow, Roy
straightened and hobbled tiredly from the room.

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

The two
weeks following Roy
being released from the hospital went quickly.�
The days were filled with visiting Ed, doctor appointments, pain, and
drugged-up sleep.� It wasn�t much, in
fact it, was more than what he wanted.�
If he wasn�t with Ed then he didn�t want to be awake at all which led to
him drinking alcohol with his medication.

His
doctor had been livid when he�d found out.

Of
course, the doctor wouldn�t have yelled at him if Hawkeye hadn�t found out
first and ratted him out.� The woman had taken it upon herself to take
care of him when she�d found him passed out on his living room floor�a bottle
of pain medication and alcohol lying next to him.

He didn�t
see why she�d been so upset.� He�d meant
to sleep there...really.

So now he
had to deal with Riza coming to his place every day to check on him.� She�d started bringing him meals when she
noticed him losing weight and even stayed sometimes to make sure he ate.� She also relieved him of his alcohol, which
he supposed was a good thing.� After all,
if he hadn�t had gotten drunk that night, then this whole thing with Ed might
not have happened...�

Yeah, he
was better without the alcohol.

He�d
gotten a scathing lecture about taking care of himself and how he wasn�t
helping anyone by wallowing in his self pity.�
It hadn�t been what he wanted to hear, but it had been what he needed to
hear.

She�d
also started giving him rides to the hospital to visit Ed.� Hawkeye had been upset when she�d learned
that he wasn�t able to use his paid sick leave.�
He hadn�t meant to tell her, but the woman had pried it out of him.� So, she was determined to use the military
car to drive him wherever he needed to go.�

He
visited Ed every day.� No matter how
shitty he felt, he was there.� At first, Roy had only been able to
handle short visits, much to the hospital staff�s relief.� When he was there, Roy badgered them incessantly about Ed�s
treatment.�

Doctor
Maple had finally told him that calling more than once a day to get information
was a little too much.� Once a day should
suffice and if there were any major changes in Ed�s condition, Roy would be the first to
know.

It didn�t
stop him from worrying.

Ed was
always on his mind.� He was always
there.� When he went into the kitchen, Ed
was there sitting on his counter and eating his food.� When he went into the living room, Ed was on
his couch reading some book.� When he
went into the bathroom, Ed was in there taking a shower or brushing his
hair.� When he went into the bedroom, Ed
was on his bed and giving him that inviting look...

He
agonized over Ed.� He wanted Ed...wanted
to hold him and kiss him and beg his forgiveness.� And he did.�
In his dreams he did hold him, and at the hospital he told him how sorry
he was, but it wasn�t nearly adequate enough.

He also
knew that he was no good for Ed, and he agonized over that too.� He didn�t want to let Ed go.� He couldn�t handle thinking of Ed with
someone else; yet, it was selfish of him to try to hold onto him.

Ed
deserved someone better than him.� Plain and simple.�

This
mistake had opened his eyes and made him realize many things about
himself.� See himself
in a whole different light, and perhaps changes would come...� But the cost for this was almost too much to
bear.� He was already feeling the impact
from this and he was sure that he wasn�t done paying yet.�

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

Roy limped into the children�s ward
to see one of the nurses kneeling down and talking with a couple little
children�a small boy and girl.� The boy
simply glanced at him, but the girl�s eyes widened and she moved to hide behind
the nurse�s legs before shyly waving at him.

The nurse
looked up and when she saw him, she shook her head before telling the children
to go into one of the other rooms.� The
little girl tried to hide behind her teddy bear as she walked but didn�t take
her eyes off of him until she was out of the hall.

Standing,
the nurse said, �I think you have a fan.�

Roy shrugged, �I just happen to have
that affect on women.�

To this
the nurse rolled her eyes and smirked before saying, �I have some news...�

She was
cut off when Doctor Maple walked quickly out into the hallway and said, �Nurse
Hunter, I need your assistance for a moment.��

Instead
of finishing what she�d been about to say, she simply hurried after him.� Roy
frowned irritably before heading towards the communal room Ed was in.� He hadn�t even gotten a chance to ask any
questions.� Well, that could wait until
after he visited Ed, he supposed.

Opening
the door, Roy
headed toward Ed�s bed and sat down.� He
let his eyes run over Ed�s face for a few moments before resting his elbow on
his knee and putting his face in his hand.

He was so
tired... Recently, he�d started taking less of the medication to prepare
himself for the inevitable return to work.�
The drugs made him tired, so he needed to learn how to deal with the
pain without them.

�Hey...you
look like shit,� a scratchy and rough voice said.

To this, Roy�s head shot up in
surprise.

Ed was
awake!

His heart
jumped in his chest with both happiness and panic.� If Ed was awake that meant he was that much
further in his recovery.� This was
definitely good, but they could have told him!�
They could have warned him!

Perhaps that�s
what the nurse had been about to say.� But what now?� Roy had planned on simply
staying away once Ed woke.� Maybe it was
cowardly of him, but he didn�t know if he could face Ed like this.

He
swallowed and looked away for a moment, not able to meet Ed�s eyes, before
forcing himself to look back.� �Yeah... I
guess I do,� he said quietly.� He could
only force himself to look at Ed so long before he let his gaze shift
away.� He felt so much shame and he was
afraid.� What would Ed say to him?� Roy
knew he deserved no sympathy or kindness from him...

Finally
he forced himself to look back.� He
should at least say something...� �How long have you been awake?� he asked, then cringed inside.�
Wouldn�t inquiring about Ed�s welfare be a much better question?� Probably, but he wasn�t sure how to phrase
it.

Ed
cleared his throat.� �Um...like an
hour?� I don�t know,
my pocket watch ain�t here.�� That was followed by a small laugh.� �I got in trouble...� I guess you�re not supposed to get outta bed when you�re messed up, go figure.�

At that, Roy felt a feeling of
fondness.� Only Ed would get himself into
trouble so soon.� Roy nodded slowly, looked down at Ed�s
blanket, and said automatically, �I should have warned the nurses that you were
a handful...�� Roy shut his mouth to prevent himself from
saying more.� That wasn�t the type of
thing you said to someone in Ed�s situation, but the bantering was so ingrained
in him that he hadn�t been able to help it.

�I was
told what happened... I don�t remember it...��
There was a pause, and Roy
wondered just how much Ed didn�t remember.�
Wouldn�t it be great if he couldn�t remember the fight too?� Of course it would, but Roy was sure he wasn�t that lucky.� But if Ed did
remember the fight, why then was he not yelling at him?� �It sounded awful,� Ed continued, then paused
again before asking, �Are you alright?�

Roy glanced up at Ed and felt guilt
run through him even more strongly than before.�
Ed was asking him if he was alright...� �Yeah...� he lied softly.� �Of course, I�m fine.� �He paused thinking that it would be really
bastardly of him not to ask how Ed was doing.�
He cast his mind around for something that would work, then finally
settled on, �And you?�� He shook his
head.� It just sounded so lame and
inadequate.� �I mean, obviously you�re
not alright,� he said quickly.�
�But...�� Roy trailed off, unable to finish, and looked
down.

�I�ve had
worse,� Ed replied.� �What�d they do with
my arm?� he asked.� �Seems
stupid to take it off.�

Roy rubbed his face then ran his
fingers through his hair.� �It was
damaged in the accident.� You�ll have to
get the Rockbell girl to fix it for you.��

�Well,
fuck,� he heard Ed say.� �She�s gonna kill me�did you tell them yet?�� Does Al know?� Ed demanded, then paused
before saying in a less severe tone, �Hey, come closer, I wanna
hold your hand... please.�

Roy glanced up at Ed for a moment,
trying to decide what to do.� He did want to hold Ed�s hand; he wanted to
hold it very much, but would it be right to do so?� But, Ed wanted it, and Roy couldn�t refuse, so he scooted the chair
closer and took Ed�s hand in his.

�I
tried...� Roy
began, then cut himself off.� Yes, he had called Rizembool, but both the
girl and Alphonse had been away doing some automail repairs and they�d been
snowed in somewhere...� The old woman had
promised to do her best to get the word to them, and said she would come
herself to fix Ed�s automail, but right now no
one was getting out of Rizembool due to the heavy snow.

Roy continued, making the information
less personal.� �Calls were made to the Rockbell
residence, but it seems that your brother and Miss Rockbell were away from the
house.� The old woman said she�d try to
get a message to them,� he said a little more formally than he�d intended.

Ed weakly
curled his fingers around Roy�s
palm and gave it a soft squeeze.� �You
and Al are close, eh?� Ed asked in a softly serious tone.� �You talk a lot?� Don�t you?�

Roy flinched involuntarily and looked
down at the hand holding his.� No, it
didn�t seem he�d been lucky after all...�
But what could he say to that?�
How could he defend himself?�

He
couldn�t.

�No...�
he whispered faintly.

He heard
Ed let his breath out loudly, then, �But he told you, didn�t he?� How much he hates me.� What did he tell you?�� The last was said in a pleading tone
saturated with pain.� �Please,� Ed said,
beseeching him.� �Just tell me what he
said.�

Roy squeezed Ed�s hand before letting
go and standing up.� He had to tell Ed
the truth, it was only right, but he couldn�t do it sitting here next to
him.� It would have just seemed too much
a lie.� Slowly, he limped to the window
next to Ed�s bed and pressed his forehead against the glass.� He owed Ed the truth, but it was so damn
hard...

�I hurt
you too... Roy,� Ed said and Roy could hear him shifting in the bed.� �I...I�m sorry.� I don�t remember everything from that day,
but I didn�t mean to hurt you.� I�I just
didn�t know.� I�ve never been in a
relationship before.� I didn�t know that
you...�� Ed chuckled softly.� ��can�t read my mind.� This is all cause of that stupid dare...�

Ed
apologizing...� Roy didn�t want to hear that.� He didn�t want Ed to be kind to him; he
didn�t want Ed to apologize.� He was the one who was in the wrong, not
Ed.

�Ed...� Roy said, then paused.� He had
to do this.� And maybe, if he was lucky,
it would make Ed hate him, and it would be that much easier on him when he was
let go...� �I lied to you when I said
that about your brother.�� He couldn�t
keep the gravity from his voice as he spoke.�
�I should have walked away.� I should
have let you leave, but I didn�t.� This
isn�t your fault.� None of it is.�

�W-what?� But why?� What happened?� You...��
The bed creaked and he heard a groan from Ed.� �Why?�

So hard...

Roy rubbed his eyes in an effort to
make the stinging tears go away.� He
wouldn�t cry.� �Ed, listen...�� I�m so
sorry...� �I�m not a good
person.� I...�� I�m a
real bastard, you were right all along.�
�I have a bad habit of saying things I shouldn�t when I�m mad.� I thought I could control that with
you.�� But I was too weak.� �I�ve just
tried to walk away when I was angry...� I
really did try... �But...�� Roy shook his head.� He couldn�t say anymore.� If he did, then it might become glaringly
obvious that he was about to lose his composure.

�So...
was any of what you said true?� Ed asked.�
�You still want to be with me, right?�

Roy squeezed his eyes shut.� Don�t
do this to me, Ed.� Please...� This is killing me enough as it is...

He could
hear more movement on the bed, then, �I...I...really like you.�� Ed�s voice
was so hesitant, so unsure that Roy
felt as though Ed had stabbed him in the chest rather than confessed his
feelings.� He almost couldn�t breathe it
was so painful.� I really like you too... Roy
thought.� You are everything to me... and that�s why I�m going to let you go.

Roy shook his head as if that would
somehow take the hurt away, then said as clearly as he
could, �It might be better if you found someone else to be with; someone who
will treat you the way you deserve.�

There.

He�d said
it.

And now
he just wanted to be alone so that he didn�t have to pretend that this wasn�t
killing him.

�No...�
Ed whispered.� �No!� I won�t accept that!� Ed said loudly, almost
shouting.� Roy could hear him move off the bed, then the
sound of him falling onto the floor with a grunt of pain.

Roy quickly turned his head and
instantly felt concern when he saw Ed crumpled on the floor.� He couldn�t move fast, but he came to Ed as
quickly as he could manage.� Putting his
weight on his good leg, Roy
bent down and offered his hand.� It was
the best he could do.

�Didn�t
you just tell me you were to stay in bed?� Roy asked, frustrated that Ed would put his
health in jeopardy like this.

Instead
of answering or taking his hand, Ed pulled his legs under him and held onto his
side for a moment before saying, �You�re lying.�

Roy gritted his teeth in an effort to
stay where he was.� The pain was so
intense he was starting to see little stars in his vision.� �Are you going to take my hand or not?� he
asked.

�I don�t
believe you!� Ed shouted.� �Why are you
even here if you don�t care?� he asked and looked up.� Roy�s
eyes met Ed�s wet ones and all he wanted to do in that moment is hold Ed and
tell him whatever he wanted just to get those tears to stop.

But he
couldn�t, because this is what would be best for Ed.

�Fuck,
why can�t I stop crying today?� Ed said in frustration and turned away to wipe
furiously at his eyes.

Roy felt his face crumple at Ed�s
words, and he wished he was anywhere but here at the moment.� He didn�t like hurting Ed.� He hated it.�
But if he didn�t let Ed go, then he could hurt him again and again...
and again...� Better just to have him
hurt now, for this one time, rather then over and over later.� He swallowed the lump that had formed in his
throat.� Yes, it was better; better for
Ed... but not for him.

Growling,
Ed lifted his arm up and put his face into his elbow.� Suddenly he jerked his head and pulled the IV
needle out by his teeth and spit it on the floor.� Rolling over onto his hand and knees, Ed
shuffled over to the end of the bed and pulled himself to his feet.

Guess Ed
didn�t need his help...� Roy didn�t think he should be surprised at
Ed�s reaction, in fact, it was probably for the best, but it still hurt.� Even if they weren�t going to be together, he
still wanted to help Ed if he could because he still cared...

�Roy...or
should I now call you Mustang?� Ed said, driving that ache even deeper.

Pressing
his lips together, Roy
straightened, unable to keep the hurt from both the physical and emotional
pains off his face.� �I suppose you should,
Fullmetal,� he said quietly, trying to ignore the hurt.� Better for them to just go back to a working
relationship...

Yes, of
course it was...

As hard
as he tried, he couldn�t seem to convince himself.

�You�re
such a fucking bastard,� Ed exclaimed.�
�Was I only your fuck pet?� Eh?�

No...

�You said
you only wanted to fuck me in the beginning, right?��

In the beginning...�

�What?� You find something younger, more
pleasant?� A woman?��

No. �

�A boy?��

Hardly.

�Come on,
tell me!�

Roy continued to stare at the floor,
listening passively to Ed rant at him.�
He deserved it, and he wasn�t about to say anything in his own
defense.� Besides, they�d already had
this conversation�and that brought a whole new level of agony to him.� Maybe he would tell Ed.� Maybe he would respond to the accusations and
the anger.� Maybe.� But not now.� Not today.�
Slowly, Roy
began moving toward the door.� He just
couldn�t take any more of this right now.�
He had to get away.

Roy stopped halfway to the door. �Ed�s words echoed through his mind.� He could hear anger and accusation in Ed�s
voice, but he could also feel the pain.� Roy pressed his lips
together and took a deep breath.� �That�s
right,� he whispered.� �That�s all you
were to me.��

Tears
pricked at his eyes, and he loathed himself even more for saying that to Ed.� �Now, get back to bed and let your body heal
so that you can find someone who really...��
His voice broke.� �...loves...
you.�

At that
moment, Roy
realized it.� He realized it in a
conscious way.� He loved Ed.� He loved him, and he�d been so afraid of
losing him that he�d ended up pushing him away.�
And... as a result, this is what happened.� It was wrong of him to care about something
so much that he would lose his wits.� It
was wrong that he would lose his composure over such a weak and childish
emotion.

Yes, he
loved Ed, and it was making him break down in ways he could have never
imagined.� He�d let this emotion play
with him from the shadows; taunting him without ever making itself clear and
leaving him a total wreck.� He hadn�t
recognized it for what it was until too late.�
Even that time before hadn�t prepared him for this.

Nothing
had prepared him for this.

Was it
too much to say that he never wanted to love again?�

Roy didn�t think so.�

This
wasn�t like him.� Being so emotional
wasn�t him.� No, his way was to hide any
feelings he couldn�t handle.� Bury them
deep so that he could remain in control.�
But somewhere along the way, Ed had shone light into that dark place and
there was no where left for him to put those feelings...

He needed
to pull himself together, just like Hawkeye had said.� Now that that light was going out in his
life, he needed to put all those negative emotions back where they
belonged.� That�s what he needed to do,
and he would.

But not
right now.

Right now
he was going to go home and morn his loss.�

Tomorrow,
maybe the next day, he would find a way to move on...� ��

Swallowing
hard and blinking back tears, Roy
made his way to the door, opened it, and let himself out of the room.

--

Be sure
to check out Kikiko�s Ed�s POV!�

--

Please Review!
- 6
- 7
- 8
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

The More I Learn to Care For You - Roy's POV