Quatre Winner\'s Diary

May: Baseball and Alphabets

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Wednesday, May 7th

9:15: am

I\'m really not sure what I did wrong, but obviously
something\'s amiss because Trowa went home last night.
Not just went home, but moved home, back to his place.
He\'s not staying with me anymore. No more sharing a
bed. No more waking up with his arms around me. I
was lonely last night. Lonely and cold because he
went home and I have no idea why.

Last night he went to Cathy\'s to pick up Firecracker.
He got back sometime after I got home from my
conversation with Duo. He had one of those all
knowing smiles on his face, which is a really good
look on him. Then he snuggled up to me on the couch
and talked about \"really dating\" and how he had an
apartment that he was paying rent on that he never
used, all with that same self-satisfied smirk on his
face. I just know that he wants to break up with me
again, although he didn\'t break up with me before.
But then again there might be a good explanation for
all this. I mean it\'s not like he found out some
embarrassing secret while he…oh holy shit.

9:45 am

Okay, not to panic, Duo says that he didn\'t tell Trowa
about our conversation last night and that nothing was
mentioned about it while he was delivering
Firecracker. So I\'m safe there, except now I have no
idea why Trowa would want to go back to his apartment.
Could it be that he\'s tired of me? Do I snore? He
said something about having space, could he not want
to date me anymore? But then he said something about
going out on dates…I\'m just so confused again?

I wonder if it\'s just that he wants his own space.
Maybe he wants me to go over there. But then again
what if I show up there and he doesn\'t want to me
stay? Then I\'d look almost as much the heel as I\'d
feel. No, that\'s definitely not an option. I just
have to suck it up.

There is a bright side to this, I think. I don’t have
to get up as early and I\'ll have all that free time to
read those books Duo told me about. Yup, lots of
hours in a cool, lonely bed…not an exchange I would
willingly make.

First I need to find those books, but I don\'t think
homosexual how-to books are traditional fare for
Barnes and Noble. Maybe Amazon has the \"Joys of Gay
Sex\". I guess I\'m going to be spending my lunch hour
looking that and all those other books. I was
expecting something along the lines of \"Gay Sex for
Dummies\", but I suppose they haven\'t written one yet.
Oh, the joys that are my life.

1:15 pm

Okay, so there\'s no \"Gay Sex for Dummies\" but there
are so many other books out there that I don\'t think
they need it. I went to Amazon.com during my lunch
break and looked up the books that Duo thought I
should read and then I just looked up \"gay sex\". I\'m
amazed at the sheer number. There were over five
hundred books on that single search. I found a few
more that weren\'t on my list and ordered those two.
So in a couple weeks I\'ll be able to start this large
reading list. It\'ll keep me occupied at least, and
not thinking about how cold and lonely my bed is all
alone.

Yes, I know I shouldn\'t be dwelling on this, but damn
it…it just vexes me. Yes vexes, and I do know that
it\'s a fairly archaic word, but it fits. I\'m vexed by
the situation. Vexed: annoyed, irritated, disturbed,
troubled; that pretty much sums up how I feel right
now. Everything was going so well and now…well…he\'s
stepping back. I know I should talk to him about it,
but how do you bring up something like this in casual
conversation? \"Hello Trowa, it\'s nice to see you
again, why did you decide to move back to your
apartment? Was it something I did? By the way you\'re
looking well this evening, could you do with some
dinner?\" It just doesn\'t work like that! Oh fuck it.
I\'m not going to get anything done at this rate. No
more dwelling until the workday is done. I\'m working
for two as it is right now.

8:11 pm

Okay, does \"light work\" mean that I can send a couple
files home to Duo? I\'m just barely home and way too
tired to even try and make dinner? That includes
calling out for something. That\'s bad right? Maybe I
should take my father\'s advice and get a house in the
city with servants, but I just can\'t bring myself to
do it. I don\'t need that much space and I really
don\'t need people around me that badly. Just specific
people.

Yes, I know I\'m starting again, but if Trowa were here
I\'d actually be tempted to eat more then um…a TV
dinner. At least it\'s a Marie Callender\'s dinner;
those at least taste good and aren\'t made from pressed
meat. Well not quite as pressed as the really cheap
ones. Besides, microwave is good. Punch a few holes;
press a few buttons and instant dinner. Less work
than take out and at least it\'s food. Less thought,
too. That\'s good.

Maybe I should make up some actual food this weekend
and freeze it. Then I can have quick, easy meals
ready until Duo\'s back to work. It\'ll take a good
portion of my weekend, but as things are now, I don\'t
have any plans. And if people want to see me, well,
they\'ll have to come over and watch me cook. Yup.
Oh, dinner\'s ready. Yeah, food.

10:32 pm

I just got off the phone; of course I was asleep when
it rang. Well, not really asleep but trying. I was
so tired I couldn\'t sleep. I really hate it when that
happens. Anyway, Trowa was calling me, just to talk
because he wanted to her my voice before he went to
sleep. It\'s just…I\'m so…Yeah me! I guess that means
that he still wants me around, just at a distance.
Does that make sense? And he said he missed me! He
told me that he missed me and that his pillow isn\'t as
fun to cuddle with. He likes to cuddle with me. I
guess I just thought that he didn\'t really want me
around, but he seems to want to be here just as much
as I want him here. He even wanted a date this
weekend. I told him about the plans to cook dinners
ahead of time and he thought it was a good idea and
offered to help me make something edible. He had
cookbooks that have recipes that will work. I have a
helpful boyfriend.

And no, I didn\'t get around to asking him why he was
sleeping at his place, but I chickened out. I\'m a
wimp when it comes to emotional conflict. It\'s just
been a long month.

I\'m going to sleep now. I have a long week ahead of
me, but at least the weekend will be good.