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The More I Learn to Care For You: Ed's POV	By : squallstorm Category: Fullmetal Alchemist > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 3037 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Disclaimer: I don't
own...what made you think I did?

Roy's,
and for this chapter, General Hakuro's dialog belongs to ZaKai. Be
sure to check out Roy's POV for his side of this via my profile XD

Divergence is great XD Now, we almost have too
different stories, but still the same... enjoy!

Chapter
08

He felt heavy; slow and lethargic. His scalp prickled
when someone lifted his hair. With a sigh, Ed began to float closer
to wakefulness. Someone began to stroke his hair. It was always so
soothing, but not that he'd say that out loud. He felt a soft brush
followed by a hand go from the crown of his head, down; repeating
over and over again. He loved that Roy was doing that for him. Roy
seemed to be doing that a lot in the last month or so. It was so
calming.

He tired to pull his eyelids apart, though they felt
glued together. He struggled for a few moments before his eyes
cracked open. The low light from the lamp on the wall just barely
lit up his pillow and a few feet beyond his bed, making the dark room
beyond even darker. Blinking tiredly, Ed's vision slowly began to
pick out details beyond the cone of light, while that hand continued
to work though his hair.

When everything came back into focus, Ed craned his neck
slightly to look over his shoulder, being mindful of his injury. He
frowned in confusion at who was there. A small girl smiled down at
him and continued to run a large, soft-bristled child's brush though
his unbound hair.

“Who...?”
he croaked lowly. Where was Roy? Oh...right... Roy had told him
that he didn't want him anymore.

“My
name's Kelly. Remember me from yesterday? I found you on the
floor,” chirped the small girl happily, but softly. Without
answering, Ed turned his head back and blinked at the bedside table.
The brushing stopped.

“See
this? This is Earl, my teddy,” said the girl, placing the bear
in front of Ed's chest, and in his face. “You can hold him if
you want. My daddy got it for me. He has real fur. Touch him, he's
really soft.”

Ed stared unseeingly at the black bear, with its beady
glass eyes and movable limbs. He couldn't stand this... The girl
left the bear beside him and resumed brushing his hair.

“You
got nice hair for a boy. How come your mom let you grow it so long?”

Ed lifted a heavy hand, and weakly brought it up to
place his palm on the bear's chest. The short bristly fur poked at
the sensitive underside of his hand. He blinked hard as his vision
began to get blurry. He could feel the hurt and pain come back to
him. He remembered all the things Roy had said to him. He didn't
want this!

“Nurse
Hunter was really mad when she found you out of bed again. You're
some lucky you were sleeping,” she said, stoking through his
hair.

Running his hand around the small bear's chest, Ed
hooked his hand under the animal's arm and dragged it closer. He
nosed the side of the bear's head, letting the soft, real fur tickle
his nose and cheeks. No, no, please Roy, I don't want this...

“You're
not supposed to be outta bed after lights out, Kelly,” a boy of
about twelve said accusingly. Ed looked down at the foot of his bed
at the newcomer disinterestedly. The tall, lanky boy was completely
free of all the hair on his head, making the soft light from Ed's
lamp shine dully in the smooth skin.

“Then
how come you're outta bed, Tom-my,”
Kelly sing-songed, her voice laced with annoyance.

Closing
his eyes, Ed tired to make his heavy heart go away, and in doing so,
thought about all the times he'd spent with Roy. All the good and
the bad. He'd not trade that for anything. How could the man expect
him to find someone else? No one had ever made him feel like this
before. No one had been able to get through his defenses to get to
know even a fraction of the real Ed. No one but Roy had gotten that
close. How could someone new compete. He didn't want
someone new to compete. It was Roy or no
one.

“A
kid like you is too young to un-der-stand,” Tommy annunciated
and drew out each syllable.

How could Roy...how could he just... Ed choked around a
sob, feeling embarrassed that these kids would hear him. His hand
left the stuffed animal and came up to cover his face from view. He
wouldn't be getting out of bed now. He was so drugged and tired,
that just thinking about it made him want to sleep. The fact that he
couldn't case after Roy...even if Roy didn't want him...made him
really upset.

“Aw,
does it hurt?” the girl asked. “Tommy, go get a nurse.”
The girl at his back began to pat his hair, making him lose it even
more. It actually hurt to cry. His throat was tight, and it was
hard to swallow. Trying to hold it in only made his chest heave
until he gasped and whimpered into his pillow, finally letting it
out.

Ed could hear the boy run off. He wished he could calm
down enough to call him back. He didn't want anyone else to see him
like this. He ground the heel of his hand into his cheek and
burrowed further into the pillow, trying to will himself to disappear
by merging with the mattress. His face was wet with tears, his nose
was running, and he couldn't breathe. A high keening sound worked
its way free of his throat, and he rubbed his face over the pillow
case.

The small girl at his back was patting his head and
speaking to him, but he couldn't hear her over his own sobbing. By
the time someone came, Ed was hiccupping, and freaking out at how
much he was breaking down. He had never behaved like this; not even
when his mother died. The depth of emotions and his inability to
control himself was deeply frightening.

“What's
going on here?” a woman asked sternly, cutting through the
sounds of his sobbing.

“Ah,
Nurse Hunter said I could play with him after he woke up, and he woke
up yesterday, so—” the girl said, jumping from the bed to
the floor.

“Alright,
that's enough. Back to your beds, you two,” the woman
commanded. Then the nurse was coddling him, shushing him and he
couldn't have that. He tried to push her away, but she easily
captured his one hand. It was too humiliating, but despite her best
efforts, Ed couldn't calm down, and in the end he was jabbed with a
needle. In moments, Ed didn't have the will do to more then blink a
few remaining tears from his eyes, and even that was bothersome. He
closed his eyes, because sleep was more promising then what he was
feeling now.

- - - -

“Hey,
granny,” mumbled Ed dejectedly into the receiver of the phone.
The connection popped and faded, then came back strong. The weather
must be pretty bad out there to be affecting the phone lines like
this. He looked over his shoulder at the nurse 'standing guard' over
him while he was seated in the wheelchair beside the phone. With a
silent sigh, Ed looked down at his legs.

“Edward,
it's good to hear your voice. We've been worried about you after the
colonel called—”

“Is
that Ed?”
Al's voice bellowed. Ed figured that he had to be upstairs by the
way his voice carried, but boy, was he loud, then he winced slightly
at the mention of Roy. The man still hadn't come back to see him
yet. He could hear a crash over the phone and feet sliding down the
stairs, and then a fumbling on the other end. “Ed!
Are you alright? We just got home last night. It even made the
papers out here—which of course we haven't been getting due to
the snow storms—”

“Al,
I—” The connection buzzed lightly, before evening out.
It was lucky that he called then when he did, then. It was only
after harassing the staff for two days straight that they would allow
him to make a call. He was glad to know that Al was home now. It
would have been fine to talk with granny, but he wanted to hear Al's
voice. For once he got lucky.

“I
don't believe you got impaled. That's just horrible. It must hurt
more then auto-mail—”

“Al,”
growled Ed, trying to gain his younger brother's attention. The
nurse behind him coughed discreetly, making Ed turn to look. The
woman pointed to her wrist watch, and motioned him to hurry up. With
a sigh, Ed turned back around. Sheesh, he'd just gotten on, and now
he was being told to get off? But it was too much effort to fight
it.

“Al,
let the boy say two words.”
Ed heard granny say with a chuckle.

“When
are you coming? I'm bored here,” he said into the phone,
cradling it to his head, now that he could speak. He ached
to see his brother. He needed to have him here, to distract him from
the dark turn this mind was taking. He couldn't stop thinking about
everything Roy had ever told him over the six odd months they'd been
together, trying to find some clue, some hint
as to why Roy dumped him. The more he thought about it the more he
was starting to think Roy had just been playing
with him. Like, what had he really
done to show his feeling towards him? Nothing.

Of course Roy was attentive to him, but his 'research'
into Roy's dating habits had taught him that Roy was like that
anyway. The more he thought about it, the more he didn't want to get
up out of bed, or do any of the rehabilitation that'd help his
muscles heal right, or any of the things asked of him. All he wanted
was to sleep or stare blankly at nothing.

With Roy currently avoiding him, he was falling into a
depression. He recognized it, knew it was happening, but didn't have
the desire, or the will to do anything about it. Last time this
happened he had the unhappy ability of focusing on the restoration of
his brother's body. It kept him busy. He wouldn't tell any of this
to Al over the phone, though.

“We
came back in the carriage,” said
Al, breaking through Ed's dark thoughts. “Winry's
clients hooked up the runners in order to bring us back. But as soon
as the roads open up we'll be on the first train to Central, don't
worry.”

Thank
you, Al. It would be great to see everyone,
thought Ed. “Al,”
he whispered. He couldn't help himself. It wasn't as though Winry
would hear him even if he spoke normally, but something in him made
him cautious anyway. “I got another problem.”

“What?”

“Did
any of those papers mention anything about my auto-mail?” asked
Ed. He felt a sick sort of rolling in his stomach just picturing
what Winry would do to him. She was always so damn protective of her
precious auto-mail.

“No.
Why?” Al
sounded suspicious. Who could blame him, he was always getting into
trouble.

“It's
been trashed,” said Ed sheepishly. Maybe he should ask Al to
keep Winry's wrenches away from him. He didn't need another
concussion, or anymore stitches in his head.

“Oh,
no...”

“Yeah.
It was just my arm, so tell Winry, but make sure she won't kill me
on sight, please?” The nurse coughed again, louder. “Al,
I got to go, the phone police are after me to get off.”

“What?
Already? Okay...well, we'll be there as soon as we can, okay?
Hopefully in a week they should have the road to the station open.”

“Alright.
Hurry. I'll see you soon.”

“Take
care,”
said Al, and then the connection went dead.

Ed pulled the receiver away from his head and held it
out for the nurse to replace it on the cradle since he couldn't reach
it while seated.

“I'd
like to go back to my bed now. I'm exhausted,” said Ed. He
knew that the plan was for him to go be with the other children, but
he couldn't handle that right now. The nurse seemed about to argue
with him, but then closed her mouth.

“Very
well,” the nurse said, unlocking his chair and turning him
around towards the room. “I have another matter to discuss
with you.”

“Hm?”
grunted Ed. He didn't want to have to deal with more stuff, he just
needed sleep.

“You
need someone to bring you a change of clothes, shampoo and so on.
Your stay with us has been quite lengthy to date. I'm sure you would
like the opportunity to freshen up on a daily basis. Is there anyone
who could bring this for you?”

“No...Yes!
My CO, he's got access to my dorm room. Have him bring it!”
Ed said excitedly. Oh, that was perfect! Roy would have to come
now! He could easily get his key and get him some things. He only
hoped he didn't pass it off to someone else. He didn't really want
one of the guys or even Hawkeye seeing what he'd been up to before
the accident. Oh, and it was all
over his room too...damn. Well, maybe if Roy saw that, he'd come
around to see him.

As soon as the nurse was finished with getting him
settled back into bed, Ed started to feel depressed again. This
sucked. Al wouldn't be here for a while, Roy was avoiding him, and
he had nothing to do. He sighed loudly. He wasn't really sure how
long he lay there staring at nothing and brooding when the door
opened. Half hoping, Ed looked up wishing that Roy would be there,
finally coming to see him. But no, Ed frowned, it was General
Hakuro, walking upright and military ram-rod straight.

What was the general doing here? Ed barely had any
dealings with the man directly, it always came through Roy. Was he
showing some sort of interest in his health?

“Fullmetal,”
the general said as he came near, when he caught Ed looking. “You're
still with us. That's good,” stated the general while he
stepped around the chair Roy had been using and sat down facing Ed.

It
wasn't like he expected the man to be all weepy or anything, but he
should at least sound
like he cared. Even he knew how to pretend if the situation called
for it. Rather then react to the insensitive slight, Ed just put his
normal reaction aside and decided to deal with this calmly.

“Er...sir.
Thank you,” said Ed feeling like this had to be happening to
someone else. He quickly brought up his left hand and as good as he
could and saluted the general. “Sorry, my right arm got
destroyed,” explained Ed, feeling embarrassed that he even had
to explain. Letting his hand fall back to the bed, Ed pulled the
pillows further under his head to allow him to see the general
better. Gah, he almost wanted—if he could that is—to sit
up and look very proper. It had to be bad form to lay down like
this—and for that matter, why the hell did he care?

Stupid
Roy and his stupid
preaching about stupid
manners...

The general nodded and
ran his small beady eyes over Ed's body. Ed's eyebrow twitched, but
he quickly made his face devoid of emotion, waiting to see what this
surprise visit was all about. “You don't look very good,”
the general said, his eyes returning to Ed's. “But it seems
you faired better than the vehicle you were in.”

“Ah,
yeah. I've heard about it, but it's very hazy,” said Ed
somberly. Stupid, stupid
Roy...

“I've
been told about your memory loss. I'm sorry to hear about that,
though it's probably for the best. That isn't something anyone would
like to remember,” continued the general.

Yeah,
Ed didn't remember, but now he wished he could, because something
happened back then, he was sure of it, and now, somehow, Roy didn't
want him. Smiling tightly up at the general, Ed waited for the real
reason Hakuro was here. He'd be polite, but he'd be dammed if he was
going to help these
'pleasantries' along.

General Hakuro cleared
his throat. “Well, you're probably wondering why I'm here,”
Hakuro began, and Ed could only mentally shake his head at the man.
'Hell ya' came to mind but he didn't say it. “Because I'm
responsible for submitting a request for a replacement vehicle, I
need to get some basic information from you,” the general
informed him.

Oh?
That was not what he had been supposing this visit was about, but it
was true that the general was very detail orientated. It sounded
plausible. “Oh.
Okay. But I'm not sure I'll be able be very helpful,” said
Ed, feeling bad for second guessing. He'd have to learn not to be so
un-trusting. Just add that to his growing list of things to work
on...

The
general nodded again. “I
understand you don't remember most of what happened, and that's fine.
Colonel Mustang submitted a full report; however, it's policy that
in this type of a situation, all parties involved be questioned.
It's nothing to worry about. They're basic questions, and ones that
have been answered very well in Mustang's report, but I'm still
required to ask you.”

“Okay.”
Ed waved his hand out towards the general, asking him silently to
start. “I'll do my best to answer.” Ed watched as the
general shifted around on the hard looking chair before he settled
himself, crossing his legs and crossing his arms across his ample
chest.

“Alright,”
began Hakuro. “First of all, I need you to tell me what you
remember of the accident.”

Ed
glanced away and then back at the man seated at the end of his bed.
Wouldn't he like to know that as well. “Heh, well
nothing at all, sir.”

“I
expected as much,” Hakuro said with a nod. “What
happened prior to the accident? Can you think of anything that could
have been the cause of it?” he asked.

Yeah,
he could think of something that would make Roy crash the car, but he
wasn't sure that it was because of their fight. “Not
really, sir,” answered Ed, keeping his face blank. “We—the
colonel and I—were just...” Ed hesitated. What should
he say? He had no idea what Roy had said in his report. If he
strayed too far from the truth, would that place them in trouble?
“Discussing some concerns with...” Yeah, right
'discussing'. “The submittal of my report findings and it got
a little heated...”

Did Roy mention that he
was over at his house at the time? Should he? Damn. He didn't like
this. Maybe he should just keep quiet about that and not offer any
additional information. While Roy's staff accepted their
relationship, Roy had cautioned him about how the rest of the
military might react, and so to keep it quiet.
Ed studied the
general's face looking for anything that might suggest that he'd just
screwed up, but the man was closed and not offering anything.

“Yes,”
said the general, nodding. “The two of you are known for your
disagreements. Would you suppose that this discussion had an effect
on Mustang's driving?”

Ed
just blinked. And now they were back to the things he couldn't
remember. “Well,
I don't know, sir. I mean I could suppose, or theorize, but I don't
remember at all. It wouldn't be fair to speculate without any facts,
wouldn't you agree, sir?” asked Ed, frowning slightly at where
General Hakuro was taking this. He would not say that, no matter
what. He didn't remember, so as far as he knew—and really he
didn't yet, since he had no one to ask—Roy had driven over the
curb. The general looked at him, his face softening with pity, and
Ed kept his mouth shut. He sure as hell didn't want this man's pity.

“Like
I said, most of this is in Mustang's report, I simply have to ask you
the questions because it's policy. I can understand this must be
frustrating for you not to remember, so don't worry yourself too much
about it. I asked Colonel Mustang similar questions about you,
though more so because he does remember,” said Hakuro, his
voice softening just like his face had, but it didn't reach his eyes,
so Ed knew that he was just playing with him.

“Okay...”
agreed Ed warily, with a nod, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The
general smiled slowly, he stood and looked down at Ed. “Well,
I won't ask you anything else. I can see this is needlessly
straining you. I think the information you gave me should be
sufficient,” said Hakuro.

“Well,
if you're sure...” said Ed, following the general with his
eyes. Had he even said anything useful? If this was procedure did
they only get through half of it? Or was it okay?

“I
am. If it wasn't for the damn bureaucracy, I wouldn't have come to
bother you like this at all. You don't need more stress. It's
important that you rest so that you can heal quickly,” said the
general looking down at him kindly. “I have children of my
own, as you might recall, so I know you must be eager to be out of
that bed.”

“Yeah,
I am. I can't stand it, really. It's so fucking boring—oh,
sorry, sir!” said Ed, realizing the slip. He only hoped Hakuro
wouldn't roast him for swearing. Maybe he'd get away with it because
he was recuperating.

The general just smirked
at him slightly. “It seems you'll be here for a while. You
should have someone bring you something to keep you occupied,”
said the general, looking around the room. “This isn't the
best environment to keep a young man’s attention.”

“Yeah,”
agreed Ed with a sigh. He was glad he wasn't going to be ragged out
for the slip. “But it seems none of my family can come yet, so
I'll just have to be idle I guess. Thanks for coming, sir.”

The general nodded once
more. “Mustang has submitted your medical leave forms for you,
and has requested an extension of leave for you with full pay. I'll
be granting that, of course. Take care,” said Hakuro, and then
turned around and walked down the length of the room the same way he
came in, back ram-rod straight.

Ed watched him leave,
feeling baffled by the whole conversation. Just when he thought he
knew where it was going, it switched gears and it was just polite
conversation. Finally he couldn't fight the meds anymore and let his
eyes close, welcoming sleep because it'd at least make the time pass.

- - - -

“Time
for your medication, Edward,” said a young nurse happily first
thing in the morning. Ed had watched her move from child to child
with a growing, vicious, anger bubbling up from his stomach. When
she finally got to him, he didn't want to have her near him.

“Fuck
off,” growled Ed, totally not in the mood. He'd had a crappy
night. He couldn't sleep very well despite the drugs that would
allow him to do so, and he found himself crying again. That totally
pissed him off. He was not a crier. Thankfully no one had heard
him. His pride had been abused enough that he didn't want anyone to
find him like that. The only thing he could think of—beside
the obvious reasons—that could be making him cry so much was
that it had to be from the drugs. The fucking drugs were messing
with his mind and he couldn't think straight anymore.

“Humph,
well this will make it all right,” the woman said, lifting the
needle from the small cart she'd brought with her, and walking
between his bed and the next. She brought the needle towards the
shunt at the top by the glass jar containing saline and other fluids.

Ed looked up at her
hard. “Touch that line, and I won't be held accountable,”
said Ed, his voice low and dangerous. The woman looked down at him
surprised. “Don't...” he warned again when her hand
moved towards the shunt. She stopped and looked down at him
perplexed.

“Why
don't you want it? It'll make you better,” she wondered.

Just as she was lifting
the needle again, Ed grabbed a hold of his IV line and yanked it,
causing the metal stand to fly at the nurse and crash into the floor
with a loud clatter. Both glass jars shattered upon impact,
splashing the floor with clear liquid that slid across the floor in
all directions.

“What
the fuck's
your problem? Don't you have know how to listen, I said NO! I don't
want any more of that shit in my body! You hear me!” bellowed
Ed. The now frightened nurse stared at him in astonishment. She had
just barely gotten out of the way, avoiding getting knocked in the
face with the stand.

“Get
outta here! Go! I don't want to see your ugly cow-face again!”
screeched Ed. That did it, the frozen nurse hurried out of the room.
All the other children looked back at him. With a snarl from Ed
they quickly looked away. He could hear the older kids talk about
him in a loud whisper, and another swore at him. His eyes snapped up
towards the voice, and glared the perpetrator into sullen silence.

Now
left 'alone', Ed took a shaky breath. Damn...he was really fucked
up. He'd never have done that if he was in his right mind...would
he? He lifted a weak hand and massaged his temples. Breathing
deeply, Ed sought to calm his anger. It worked so well that now he
was feeling sad for himself. Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! It made him so
disgusted with himself. Since when had he ever been this in
touch
with his emotions?

The crunch of broken
glass under foot alerted him that someone was near. “Edward...”
a male voice spoke softly near him. Moving his hand away, Ed looked
up into Doctor Maple's worried face. “What's wrong?” he
asked bringing the chair closer so that he could sit near his head.
He rested his forearms on his knees and looked intently into Ed's
eyes.

“Those
drugs, I don't want them,” Ed said tiredly, dropping his gaze
to the sheet near his head. When the silence began to stretch out,
Ed fought with himself as his anger threatened to take hold again.
Fucking, dammit! Say
something!
commanded Ed silently, feeling the rage burn at his guts.

“But,
son, you need—”

“I'm
not your son,” interrupted Ed, glowering up at the doctor.
Doctor Maple pressed his lips and met Ed's glare without flinching.
Not bad, only Roy could do that, or maybe his glare lacked teeth due
to the damn drugs as well. “I don't want anymore of whatever
it is you're giving me. It's...making me feel bad. Just give me
something else instead.”

“It's
not as easy as you make it sound. You're responding well under this
medication, and there's no reason to try something else that you may
react badly to.”

“I've
been crying! I
don't cry.
That's not responding well. I want something else,” demanded
Ed stubbornly.

“You
realize that since you're underage and have no legal guardian, I'll
have to talk with your commanding officer about this,” said the
doctor calmly after having studied him for a few tense moments.

“Fine,
I don't care,” said Ed wearily. He needed to sleep again, or
try to. He just hoped he'd be awake for when Roy came. He needed
to see him. He had to try and make him understand that breaking up
was wrong. Whatever it was that Roy had thought he'd said was wrong.
It was all wrong! He was sure now that he hadn't said anything that
should have let Roy believe that he was ready to end this.

“Very
well. Excuse me,” said the doctor, getting up and leaving him
alone.

Ed
didn't watch the doctor leave, closing his eyes instead. If...no, he
had to believe that Roy would come. When
Roy came, what would he say to him? How could he make him understand
that he was wrong? So, what did he remember? Roy had said that Al
hated him, but he'd already said that was a lie. What else?

Ed chewed on his lip in
concentration, trying to remember what he could. He'd been accused
of being childish when he wouldn't drink the milk. Maybe Roy was
getting tired of him acting like not-quite-a-child,
not-quite-an-adult. Also, he was accused of being selfish. But all
his life since the accident that left him like this, all he ever did
was give, so maybe that was another lie.

Control. Yeah, that was
something he knew he lacked. Big time! He knew that. But it was
hard to not lose it when the people around him seemed to want to push
him and his limits. Roy often found it amusing, and while he
repeatedly threatened bodily harm, he'd not go that far without good
reason. It was just a part of their banter.

What was it Roy said?
Something about lying to yourself...and about reality? At this point
things started to get slightly hazy. This was also around the time
that Roy said he didn't think of others, and what they were feeling.
Did he do that? Could he be that oblivious to the feelings of those
around him? He didn't know about that one, and would have to check
with Al to see if that was true.

Now, Ed could barely
remember anything but a few disjointed words. Being told to drink
the milk, looking at Roy's coat covered back, and then closing the
door. Well, that didn't tell him anything! Roy's attack had just
come from no where. It didn't make sense, and he just didn't know
how he was going to fix this. He just hoped that Roy...well, that
Roy liked him even a little bit, 'cause otherwise...he'd been played
and thinking about that...

Ed exhaled loudly. How
long was he overdue for the painkillers? Closing his eyes, Ed tried
to slip into sleep, but with each passing minute, the ache became
shaper and more pronounced. When was Roy coming? He didn't want to
have to ask for the very medication he'd refused because he couldn't
wait any longer. But did he really want to see Roy like this? The
pain would make it hard to think and watch what he said. He needed
to be able to listen and hear what Roy was saying, and not be lashing
out at him.

Maybe he could ask for
something lighter, like some headache medicine. That should work in
the short term until Roy got here. Ed opened his eyes and looked
down the ward, hoping for a nurse or someone he could send, but
instead Doctor Maple was striding towards him.

“Edward,”
Doctor Maple said as he crossed the room towards him. “I just
got off the phone with your commanding officer, but I'm afraid he
wasn't very helpful.”

“What'd
ya mean? He's not coming?” asked Ed incredulously. How could
Roy NOT come! What the fuck!

“That's
what it sounded like.” The doctor walked between the beds,
being careful of the broken glass still littering the floor and
resumed his seat. “Now, we have a bit of a problem as well.
You've refused your medication, but I'm sure you're feeling that that
can't go on for much longer. Am I right?”

“Yeah,”
said Ed in a weak voice, hardly listening any more.

“Then,
I'll give you this until we've sorted this out,” said the
doctor. Ed heard the doctor stand and move closer but he was too
wrapped up in his own worries to pay any attention. “Someone
will be along to clean up the glass and I'll be back later to change
your dressings,” Maple said, and then he felt a prick on his
upper arm.

“Okay,”
agreed Ed quietly as the doctor walked away. Could it get
any worse? Did he have to do something even more drastic to get Roy
here? He closed his eyes and let his mind drift off towards sleep,
the drugs making him slow and heavy again.

- - - -

Ed
snorted at the ceiling and than thrust out his bottom lip in
annoyance. Damn doctor-quacks! Don't have nice bone in their whole
body. 'Sure, Edward I'll be kind and not hurt any of your wounds,
just lie back and enjoy.' What
a bloody fucking load of bullshit that was!
thought Ed bitterly. Pulled out of sleep to find himself naked
except for a small towel to cover his bits, and surrounded by nurses
and Doctor Maple under the pretense of 'changing his bandages' was
not his ideal way to wake up. But on the up side, it was good to
able to finally lie on his back again; his shoulder only ached a
little bit.

Lifting his arm above
his face, Ed studied the back of his hand. He was losing his muscle
fast. His arm looked un-defined and skinny, his stomach was still
flat but his abs and definition were gone. Frowning at his fingers,
Ed let his hand come to rest on his chest, and sighed loudly. He was
alone once more in the ward, as all the kids had gone to the playroom
for lunch time. He had flatly refused going anywhere near that room,
and promised to scream bloody murder if anyone tried to take him
there against his will.

The threat worked, and
Doctor Maple had 'suggested' that they let Edward get some rest,
leaving him alone in the room. Only thing was, he was bored silly
and every thought ended up with Roy. Why wouldn't Roy come after he
refused his meds? Wouldn't he be worried about him? It had only
been a few hours but Ed was sure that if Roy had cared, he'd have
been here much sooner.

Ed lifted his right foot
up into the air and stared at his toes before giving them a wiggle,
and than let his foot fall back to the bed with a thump. With
another sigh, Ed touched his forehead, running his fingertips along
the scar there. The doctor had taken out the stitches when he
changed his bandages and given him a mirror. The scar ran from the
middle of his forehead curving down to touch the top of his right
eyebrow near his temple.

Doctor Maple had said
that the scar would fade, and he had been very careful to make sure
the scar wouldn't pucker while it healed, using fifteen tiny stitches
to sew it up. Ed supposed he should be thankful for that. Most of
his scars he could hide if he wanted to. This one would make it a
little bit hard to do if it continued to look pink and angry like
this.

The sound of the door
handle turning broke Ed's musings. Rolling his head to the side, he
hoped that it was someone he could talk to for even a little while
because he was so DAMN BORED! The door swung wide, but he couldn't
see anyone for a moment, and then Roy shuffled awkwardly through,
turned to make sure the latch caught, and then looked at him. Their
eyes met across the room. Roy had a slightly frustrated look on his
face before he looked down at the floor and began to make his way
towards his bed.

Ed
was...shocked. Roy did come! And he was looking good too! His was
still too thin, but his hair was shiny and he'd shaved. He even had
on some really nice slacks and shirt. But all this didn't hide the
hurt and tiredness that lingered around the eyes and mouth, the way
he carried himself as he swung the crutch forward slowly, and tried
to not lose his balance with—was that his
bag?—on
his good shoulder.

At the foot of his bed,
Roy let the bag slide off his arm and bounce on the mattress. Ed
looked quickly from the over-stuffed bag to Roy's face and tried to
say something, anything, but he was really nervous, and found that he
couldn't speak. He hardly knew what to say! His heart was beating
so fast under his chest.

Roy turned away from
him, towards the door as though he was going to leave, and Ed felt a
pang of panic and pain stab through him. But then Roy glanced over
his shoulder and seemed to change his mind since he hobbled over to
the chair Doctor Maple had placed beside his bed, near his head.
Once again, Ed tried to say something, but found himself strangely
mute as Roy placed his crutch against the side table and sat down.
All he could do was swallow and watch.

“I
was contacted by your physician. It seems you've been making
trouble,” said Roy, his voice coming out softer then the very
hard look he was giving Ed.

Damn, Roy was mad at
him, and probably pissed that he had to come down and deal with him
just like always. He sighed and looked down at the bag at the foot
of the bed, unable to see how disappointed Roy might be with him.
Guess Roy didn't look too closely at the things around his dorm room
if he was acting like this towards him. It was a bit of a long shot,
but he had hoped...

“I'm
sorry,” said Ed sincerely. “I...it's been...hard.”
He frowned at his own words. He didn't want to say he'd been crying
and behaving like a five-year-old having a tantrum. “I—”
began Ed, looking back at Roy. “I'm glad you...came,” he
finished in a whisper, only to look away again.

The silence seemed to
hang between them. “Of course I came,” said Roy at last,
just as softly as he had spoken moments before. “I think Maple
and his staff aren't prepared to deal with someone as troublesome as
you. I couldn't very well let them suffer,” continued Roy
after a pause, using his office voice.

Feeling
very much that Roy was looking down on him right now, Ed wanted to
explain; to defend his actions, as silly as they may have been. “I'm
sorry,” he said again, quickly, and honestly. “I
didn't mean to react like that. I mean, I wouldn't hurt the nurse on
purpose, but I was really angry, and I wasn't thinking straight.
It's like my head is all messed up.” He shook his hand around
his temple in illustration and than frowned.

“I
mean, I know I knocked the thing down, but—okay yeah, it came
close but not that
close. There was a good few inches between her nose and the
stand-thingy. I just needed to get my head clear and these drugs
aren't letting me do that, so I wanted to change them but they won't
listen to me 'cause I'm not legal yet.” Ed rolled his eyes in
annoyance. “Which is so
stupid—and just now, I mean after they changed my bandages,
they wanted me to go to the damn playroom. With all the other kids!
Hello, is it any wonder that I freaked out like that!” said Ed
with a slash of his hand.

It
was like that movement reminded him where he was and he paused,
digesting what he'd just said...and... rather quickly, too. “So
yeah...” his finished lamely, letting his hand flop down onto
his chest. He
shifted painfully onto his side, pulling the pillow down under his
chin, and blinked at Roy wondering how much trouble he was in for
attacking that nurse. But Roy didn't seem to be mad at all, maybe a
little bit confused, but not mad.

Roy
cleared his throat.
"I
informed Doctor Maple that both the state and I consider you to be an
adult. It's really up to you if you switch medications or not.
Though I think you should know that most medications have some sort
of side effects. I don't think a fuzzy head warrants changing
prescriptions."

“But
what does the doctor think? He still gave me that shit when—after
he—well, I mean it sounded like you weren't coming so...he just
gave it to me anyway,” said Ed, feeling more and more stupid
for causing all this hassle for Roy. He was injured too, and looking
after him probably wasn't how he wanted to spend his time.

“The
doctor thinks you should stay with this medication as well, though
I'm not agreeing with him because he's the doctor,” replied
Roy, looking irritated for a moment. Damn, he was feeling like he
was just about to be grounded for being a bad boy. Roy was pissed
at him for making him come here. He was such a screw up! “If
you really want to change medications I'll talk to him about it, but
like I said, I don't think it's really necessary,” said Roy.

Breaking his eye
contact, Ed looked down at the rumpled sheets, pressing his lips in
thought. It was no longer the problem switching his medication, but
how to keep Roy here, because once they were done with this Roy would
want to leave. He could tell. “Well, I don't know, but I'm...
I mean, I don't act like this normally, but I'm...” Ed trailed
off.

He also didn't want to
admit he'd been upset over how Roy had left him a few days ago. He
was embarrassed enough that he had to be medicated to sleep because
he couldn't calm down on his own. He looked across the room at the
far windows, unable to meet Roy's gaze right now. His turbulent
emotions were close to the surface, and if provoked he knew he'd get
defensive and angry, or worse...cry. He didn't want to start
anything, so he struggled with himself until he knew he could speak
and not be confrontational about it.

“Hakuro
came to see me,” Ed finally said with a frown, rolling his head
back so he could catch Roy's reaction. The change of subject would
hopefully get his mind off of his other worries. “I don't know
what you put in your report, but I don't think I said anything
harmful.”

Roy
flinched and took a deep breath. “Well,
medication can mess with how you act sometimes, but that doesn't mean
it's not the best one for helping you heal. It won't be forever."

“Yeah,
I guess,” agreed Ed quietly. Roy had passed right over that
comment, as if he didn't hear. He didn't know what that was all
about, and in the end, he didn't care. They were awkward around each
other, and that made him shift uneasily over the mattress.

"Well, if there's
nothing else?" asked Roy.

Ed snapped his head up
and saw Roy about to get out of his chair, and he forgot about his
messed up head and shot his hand out to grip at Roy's coat sleeve.
“Oh, wait!” he pleaded. The hell with his pride, it'd
only got him in trouble anyway. Roy looked slightly startled, just
looking at him, and waiting for him to explain. “Stay.
Please,” begged Ed, staring up into Roy's eyes, willing him to
say yes.

“Alright,”
agreed Roy quietly. He leaned back in the hard backed chair and just
looked at Ed without any expression.

Swallowing,
Ed gave Roy's coat a tug. “Give
me your hand,” Ed ordered, overriding his anxiety. It
was now or never. His last chance to figure out what happened. “And
you're going to tell me straight how it is with us now. No more
lies, no more half-truths. I wanna know how come you...attacked me
like that...please. I need to know,” begged Ed.

When Roy stiffened and
just sat there looking at him, without offering his hand. Ed pulled
on his coat again. “Give me your hand,” he commanded
again, glaring at Roy to obey him.

Roy
frowned at him. “Why
don't you tell me why you'd been so distant,” Roy demanded.
“Perhaps you should tell me why you seemed to be less
interested in our relationship. What was it to you Ed?” he
asked, pausing for a moment. “Was it the sex? Was that all it
was? Am I getting too old for you? What?” Roy looked down at
his lap, his face going pale.

“What!”
demanded Ed, giving Roy's coat a tug. He wasn't a sex fiend, Roy
was. Hell, he hadn't even thought about sex—much—before
he got with Roy. “Are you insane?” wondered Ed, giving
Roy's coat another tug. “I wasn't getting tired of you, dumb
ass,” he cursed, pulling at the sleeve. “You were giving
me mixed signals that I couldn't make sense of. I thought you were
seeing someone else!” Ed pulled twice more.

“But
then you called me up drunk, and then I knew you weren't, and I felt
stupid for doubting you! I thought we'd made up!” yelled Ed,
his voice rising in his confusion and anger. Again, he pulled at
Roy's coat. “Why did you act like that then?” asked Ed,
angry at Roy, angry at everything. He used all his slowly returning
strength to pull on the fabric as hard as he could. He was just so
frustrated with this whole mess, he wanted to shake Roy senseless.

“Why
wouldn't you confide in me? Why wouldn't you let me take care of
you?” Roy demanded in return, not meeting his glare, rather, he
looked off to the side. “We didn't make up; you were just
trying to flatter me into giving you what you wanted.”

What's
all this? Flatter him? Ed
wondered, slightly baffled as to what Roy was talking about. This
was the second time Roy had said something like this, but it didn't
make any sense. He hardly had time to think this before Roy
continued.

“Why
did you get upset when I was just trying to be honest with you?”
asked Roy, his voice also rising in volume. “You asked me a
question and I answered you honestly, but it wasn't good enough for
you. I gave you what I’d never given to anyone else, Ed—the
truth. I gave you a piece of me and when you realized that not all
was perfect you got pissed off and wanted to leave. I’m not
good enough for you, Ed. I know it and you know it,” spat Roy,
sounding very bitter.

Ah, man...Ed felt like
crap for all the shit they hadn't understood about each other. If he
had said just a little more, or been a little more forward that day
maybe none of this would have happened. But he hadn't wanted to rock
the already heaving boat. If he had said why he didn't want Roy to
take care of him, would Roy have gotten mad at him anyway, but for an
entirely different reason?

“I
didn't want to tell you that I hadn't eaten for almost three days,”
began Ed, his voice gone quite and sad for all the pain he'd
inadvertently caused Roy. “'Cause I was worried as hell that
you
were leaving me,
and I didn't want to bother you since we'd just 'made' up,”
admitted Ed. He tried to remove all traces of confrontational tones
from his voice so that Roy would know that he was sorry, dammit!

“And
as for getting pissed when you were honest with me about why you
liked me, I didn't like how you threw your past exploits out there so
causally,” said Ed. Actually, he was quite jealous of every
one of Roy's past relationships. They had all that time with Roy
that he'd never be able to get as his own. They never talked about
his past, but Ed wanted to ask so badly.
He wanted to know how he compared to the others. How was he
different from everyone else? Why did Roy seem to think he was so
great?

Roy knew almost
everything about him, and he knew almost nothing about Roy. It was
unfair, and unkind. But Roy was very good at avoiding unwanted peeks
into his past, since each time Ed tried to bring up this subject, Roy
would distract him somehow. Be it from passionate kisses that led to
more...vigorous activities, or diverting his attention with a few
comments on his height or just generally pushing his buttons. Every
time Ed tried to ask he was shot down. How could he have known that
Roy, for once, was giving him a small glimpse into the 'real Roy'?

“I'm
sorry I didn't realize that you were putting yourself out there,”
he continued, not wanting to dwell on his irrational jealously, and
how little he really knew about this man in front of him. “I
handled it badly. I'm sorry that I have a temper and I can't ever be
calm when I need to be, and I'm sorry that I always
speak without thinking. I'm sorry for being me, so please, can
we
stop this craziness and go back to the way we were now? Please let
me hold your hand,” begged Ed, one more time.

Roy sighed as though he
was very put out by all this, and presented his hand for Ed to take.
Letting go of Roy's coat sleeve, Ed reached over and wrapped his hand
around Roy's, pulling it a little so that they could both rest their
hands on the mattress.

Ed looked down at their
hands, with a worried frown. Even though Roy was letting him do
this, he wasn't really holding Ed's hand. Ed was holding Roy's.
Roy's hand was just like a dead thing in his palm. It just rested
there. He wanted the contact so that Roy would be forced to
acknowledge him, and speak to him. He rubbed his thumb along the top
of Roy's fingers, back and forth, slowly, trying to encourage a
reciprocal gesture out of him.

“Ed...
I'm just not good for you...” Roy said slowly. He paused, and
Ed looked up from their hands, to look into Roy's face. “I...
You're not the only one with a temper, though I guess you know that
by now.” Roy fell silent for a moment. When he spoke again,
his voice was full of pain. “There a reason why I never dated
anyone very long, Ed... It wasn't all about wanting new
'conquests'...” he stopped talking then, and just looked at
him.

“I
haven’t been very... kind... to the people I've dated in the
past. I never respected them.” Ed squeezed Roy's hand while
he fell silent again. He didn't want to open his mouth and interrupt
him during his first real look into a side of Roy that had always
remained locked away. “Basically they were there for me to
fuck,” admitted Roy, almost unwillingly by the sounds of it.
Roy glanced at him and then away, but he wasn't going to say anything
this time. He was learning, slowly, but he was starting to
understand what it meant to just listen.

“When
we...got together...by the time we actually had sex—like I said
before—I’d already realized I wanted something more from
you. I realized that I...I actually respected you... I wanted what
we had to be different. I worked very hard to keep myself from
saying things I shouldn’t when I was angry,” said Roy,
shaking his head, and grimacing. Ed squeezed Roy's cold hand in
encouragement, frowning to himself before Roy continued. “That
morning... I did to you what I’d done to them. I knew what I
was doing, but...I did it anyway,” whispered Roy.

Ed began to feel sick to
his stomach. So, Roy, in a way, had meant to say those things to
him. He had wanted to push him away, but it wasn't really like that.
Roy did care for him. The way he'd visit him every day while he was
unconscious, the remorse he was showing now. It just proved to Ed
that Roy was really caring towards him, not just acting out of guilt,
and he knew all about guilt.

“And
you suffered from it in more ways than one,” said Roy, his
voice regaining some of it's strength. Ed tightened his hold on
Roy's hand. “You shouldn’t ever have to worry about
that.” Roy finally looked up and into his eyes. “Do you
understand? Do you understand why I can’t be with you? Do you
understand why you’d be better off with someone else?”
asked Roy, his voice full of emotion.

Ed
wondered if Roy was actually going to cry, and began to worry. He
gave Roy's hand another squeeze, and looked down at the mattress.
“No,
I don't understand. So you got a temper too, it'll make the make-up
sex even hotter,” joked Ed, trying to lighten the mood even a
little bit, and knew he'd gone too far when Roy frowned deeply at
him.

“Roy,
I don't want anyone else,” he said more seriously, trying to
show what he was feeling more plainly, and without joking around.
“It's you or no one, you got that? You keep saying I'm an
adult, but you're making this decision for me, 'cause you think of me
as a kid despite what you say to the contrary. Let me decide how,
and what I think is acceptable to me, okay?” Ed forced himself
to meet Roy's gaze quietly.

“I
don't think of you as a kid, Ed, but you are inexperienced,”
said Roy after several silent moments. “You really don't
understand. It got very ugly with some of my past flings. I refuse
to let it get that way with you.” Roy dropped his gaze down to
their intertwined hands. Ed also looked down at their hands, and
wondered if he would ever get Roy to see his side of things.

“You
deserve better than me,” whispered Roy. “There is better
out there, you just don't know it yet. I'm giving you the freedom to
find that out.”

Ed
sighed loudly. Roy still didn't understand, since he continued to
talk about leaving him. “You're not hearing me, but you know
what?
That's okay, because I'm not giving up,” he promised. “I
can see that you really like me, and this is killing you.” He
lifted their joined hands, and tilted Roy's hand over, pulling it up
to his mouth, to place a kiss between the first and second knuckles.
He boldly met Roy's confused gaze, willing him to see that he wasn't
mistaken about his choice.

“I'm
not a woman, you know, that you need to kiss my hand,” said
Roy, sounding slightly amused.

Ed
chuckled at that. It was true, Roy was very male and far from being
mistaken for a woman, but then, he did get off on treating Ed like
one every now and then. It only irked Ed so much because one time, a
few years ago, Havoc had mentioned that he looked like girl with his
'long, flowing hair' and would Ed mind if he got a box of pretty
ribbons for the holidays? Ever since then, Ed had been ever wary for
even the slightest hint of gender confusion. He would make sure the
wrongdoer became fully
aware of their mistake.

It
was almost funny that Roy was feeling like he was being treated like
a woman from this simple gesture. As far as Ed knew, it wasn't
exclusive to women only, and it wasn't like he was on his knees doing
some stupid proposal. Then
Roy could accuse him of being treated like a girl, not before. If he
could though, rather then his knuckles, he would like to kiss Roy's
mouth, his neck, but it would have to wait until he could actually
chase after Roy. Which meant that he had to stop dicking around and
start working on getting better. The faster he got out of here the
faster they
were back together.

He lifted Roy's hand
again, and placed another kiss over top of the first one. It wasn't
the same as kissing Roy on the mouth but it was all he could reach at
the moment. He smirked at Roy, and glanced at his lips. “You're
in for it when I get outta here, you know that right? I'm not going
to let you outta my sight. You know all that determination I had for
Al? Well that's all on you now.”

“Ed...”
Roy warned, frowning at him. “Perhaps I didn't make myself
very clear...”

“Sure,
sure I got ya,” interrupted Ed. “You're being all
self-sacrificing, but that's your decision, I'm not accepting it,”
said Ed with a little shrug of his left shoulder.

Roy's eyebrow twitched
and then he yanked his hand out of Ed's grasp, startling him. What'd
he say? Why'd Roy take his hand away? Roy quickly leaned over and
picked up his crutch to help him stand. “It's not
self-sacrificing; it's what's best,” said Roy with a shake of
his head. He opened his mouth, but then closed it again with a sigh.

“Hey!
Where are you going?” demanded Ed. He scooted towards the
edge of the bed and made a grab for Roy's pants, just missing them.
Just a bit further...

"Home. I'm
exhaus—I have things I need to do." Ed looked up to see
Roy staring down at him. He suddenly noticed how dark the circles
were under Roy's eyes.

“But
you'll come back?” Ed was still trying to reach for Roy's
pants. If he could just grab on, he could stop Roy from leaving like
this.

“We're
not a couple anymore, Ed.”

Ed frowned. Where did
that come from? “So what? We can't even be friends?” he
asked. He forgot to try and grab for Roy's pants, and just looked up
at Roy standing over him.

Roy continued to study
him, without responding. It was making Ed get more and more
panicked. He turned away and began to make his way up the middle of
the room. “I'll think about it,” Roy finally said,
without stopping.

“Hey—Wait!
Come back! Roy? No fair, you can't leave like that! Come back!”
yelled Ed.

“Goodbye,
Ed” said Roy, without turning or making any indication that he
would stop.

“Roy!”
yelled Ed, trying to make it through his thick skull that he should
stay. But Roy just opened the door and walked through without even a
parting glance in his direction. “Roy!” Ed shouted at
the top of his lungs, but the door closed. He waited to see if Roy
would turn around and peek back in, but it didn't happen.

“You're
such a jerk, Roy Mustang!” huffed Ed at the far door. Snorting
in annoyance, he rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling.
Al would be here in a few days, and if he survived Winry's
examination, he'd be one step closer to being released from this
kid-topia...and then he would get serious about some date plans.

--To Be Continued--

Totally my fault for the
lateness of this one!

Don't forget to review
for both ZaKai's version as well as mine!

Kikiko
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The More I Learn to Care For You: Ed's POV