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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
The Road to Kindness

Chapter 7

Part 2

After
an hour of wandering aimlessly, it seemed like Toby had taken control of their
direction. Duo had considered going to the park, but realized that that was
going to be the first place that Name would look for him. He hated the thought
of running away from her and Heero, but that horrible feeling of alienation was
still on the surface and he couldn�t bear to see them right now. When the old,
abandoned apartment building loomed in the distance, Duo realized, in shock,
just where Toby was trying to lead them. He was terrified of getting close to
Wes� apartment, but Toby had seemed to sense this, if a cat could sense such a
thing, and their path to the ancient looking building had been comfortingly far
from the hellish place. The apartments� the place he had run to, to escape Wes
in order to have one last, stolen look at Heero before he died. That hadn�t
happened, though, his death. He had survived. He could look at Heero whenever
he wanted, or he could have before he had pulled this stunt. He felt panic
burst in his chest. Heero was probably so pissed right now� His hand itched to
dig out his cell phone and dial Heero�s number, but he couldn�t. It was one of
his greatest fears, Heero hating him. He didn�t want to go back there. He felt
like he was going crazy, not wanting to go back to the house because he was so
scared and disgusted with himself, as well as feeling betrayed, but he also
yearned to go back home, to feel safe. As it had gotten darker and darker, his
heart had started to pound harder and harder, terrified of the dark.

�� Things got worse when he entered the courtyard. After the
last time he had been here, he half-expected to see Wes here, looking him, so
it was a huge relief to see that he was alone in the courtyard.

�� Toby jumped onto Duo�s shoulders as the long haired boy
climbed into the same balcony he had used before. He rested against the wall
and Toby settled next to him. Duo wrapped his arms around his knees. He felt like
he was falling down into this deep void. He was afraid of so many things, some
of them he couldn�t even name. He was going to go back home� right? He had to,
sooner or later. Where else did he have to go? But� there was that alienation
again. When he had been in the hospital, he had thought that he would do
anything to go home with Heero, but he had been afraid then, too, terrified of
the things he could have the things he wanted. At the same time that he felt
that he didn�t belong with the Yuy�s, it was all that he had, all that he
wanted. He loved them, and he hoped that they loved him, too, but he couldn�t
let go of the half-fear, half-expectation that, one day, they would finally see
him for the piece of trash that he was and throw him out on the streets. How
could he go back to that fear? But� he loved them. He kept going back to that.
How could he deal with these feelings when it felt like they were ripping him
apart? He wanted Heero, but he was afraid of making him hate him. He was afraid
that, the more time he spent with him, the more that love would grow and he
might actually start to believe in those mutilated dreams of his. He curled up
into a tiny ball, wedged into the corner of the balcony.

�� He had no idea what he was going to do.

��

��

�� If there was one thing that Duo was good at, it was hiding.
Heero had broken probably every traffic law the state had looking for his best
friend, but he and the others went home empty handed. It felt too much like
that time, so long ago, all of them looking
desperately for Duo, clueless and panicked. Heero felt himself reverting back
to the intense fear he had felt back then, but he didn�t feel any anger towards
Duo. He realized that it had to be something more than Noventa to make him run
like this, but that feeling of not knowing hurt. It hurt having Duo run instead
of trying to tell him or Name what was bothering him. He knew it was a part of
Duo�s nature, but it still hurt. The boy he loved was out there somewhere and
he had to find him. He hadn�t wanted
to stop looking, but Name had threatened to drag him back home by his hair if
he didn�t show up.

�� When Name, Quatre, and Trowa were sitting down to dinner,
Heero locked himself in his room. It felt wrong lying on his bed while his
family had a hot meal, knowing that Duo was out on the street. He wouldn�t give
up looking for him, not now, not ever. The tears that he had refused to shed at
the dealership finally tracked down his cheeks. He had no idea what to do. He
had been lucky last time, but what if, this time, he lost Duo for good? He
squeezed his eyes shut. He told himself that that would never happen, but he
couldn�t make himself believe it.

�� Angel and Cotton were napping peacefully on the bed,
oblivious to what was going on, but glared at him in annoyance when he rolled
off the bed and started to pace. His heart hammered in his chest and he felt
like he couldn�t stand to be still. He should still be out there. How could he
possibly sleep or eat without Duo safe? Panic was worming its way into his veins.
He ached to go into Duo�s room, to tell himself that
it was fine, Duo would be there, but he couldn�t even lie to himself. He felt
so useless, like a bull in a pen with the power to do something, but not the
ability.

�� Heero paused in his pacing as he heard something from Duo�s
room, a soft scratching sound. He didn�t even think about what could be making
the noise or why, he flew out of his room and flung open the door to Duo�s.
Shiva looked up at him, her claws having made decent sized marks in the wood of
the door. She looked disappointed at his presence and Heero knew that she had
been hoping for someone else. Well, she wasn�t the only one. The cat gave him a
devastatingly lost look that seemed to ask �where is he?� Heero almost started
to cry again at the look and his unwillingness to answer it. He kneeled down
and stroked her ears.

�� I�m sorry,� he whispered, �but I don�t know were he is.�

�� Shiva shook off his touch and started to pace like Heero
had done only minutes ago. Heero sighed and stood, knowing that only Duo�s presence
was going to console her. He and Shiva were alike in that aspect. He would have
chuckled at the thought of comparing himself to a cat, but it was pretty apt
and he had never felt less like laughing. He took a look around Duo�s room,
wondering if there was some clue to where he had gone, even if that was very
unlikely. Sammy was sitting on the bed, watching Heero with the same annoyed,
questioning look Shiva had given him, but didn�t move from his spot. Heero�s
eyes immediately searched for Toby, but couldn�t find him. The door had been
closed, but Duo�s window was open a tiny bit. It wasn�t a very hard window to open, a toddler could manage it, let alone a large, street
wise tom cat.

�� Heero felt like tearing his hair out. He had heard that
pets were just like their owners, but this was ridiculous. What if Duo came home
and he found that Toby had run away? He would be devastated. Heero shook his
head. He was delusional. What difference did it make? Duo wasn�t coming home.
That thought felt like a blow to the face and he sat down on the bed heavily.
Sammy wandered over him and jumped into his lap. The little cat nudged his
hand, as though he was urging him to do something. Heero realized that Duo
always fed them around this time and they probably knew that something was very
wrong. If there was one thing that Duo was truly dedicated to, it was taking
care of his animals. He stroked Sammy�s tail. He couldn�t deny Duo�s absence,
even if he wanted to, it was glaringly obvious, thanks
to the cats. He couldn�t ignore the problem when there were living creatures
that needed to be taken care of.

�� Don�t worry,� he assured himself just as much as the cat,
�even if he never comes back, I�ll take care of you,� but his voice cracked and
he laid back on the bed, cradling the comfortingly warm creature in his arms,
as though it could make all the bad things go away.

��

��

�� Something was wrong. Duo and Toby had survived the night
with no one coming to look for them. Duo knew that they would probably never
find them up here, but there was little comfort in that knowledge. Toby only
left once, presumably to catch himself some dinner, but he quickly returned.
Duo had had the presence of mind to grab his jacket before he had taken off, so
he didn�t feel cold at all. However, he hadn�t brought any food or water with
him and he knew that he couldn�t hide in the balcony for very long without it,
three days at the most. He hated this place. It was safe, yes, but he still hated
it. He had a perfect view of the school and last night, he had slept fitfully
with the thought of missing school. He didn�t want to miss it, but the thought
of leaving his hiding place scared him. He had had seldom second chances in his
life, let alone third ones and knew that Khushrenada wouldn�t be so accommodating
this time around, especially when he couldn�t voice the reason why he had
disappeared. But, this morning when he had watched the school for Heero�s
telltale car, he only saw fire trucks and cop cars. Something bad had happened,
that was obvious, but for whatever reason, he wasn�t missing classes and that
was what mattered to him.

�� Being an ex-whore, Duo was more intoned with his body than
most people, so he knew that something was wrong with it, even before the fatigue
and cough had hit him that night. He couldn�t have described it in words, it
was just a deep feeling that something wasn�t right and he didn�t know why. At first,
it had bothered him, the sensation that he just wanted to go to sleep for a
very long time and how raw and tight his throat felt, but eventually he fell
back into his old habits; he pushed his anxiety into the back of his mind and
ignored how sick he felt. It scared him how easily falling back was. Sitting on
the familiar balcony, he could almost pretend that the past couple of months
had never happened, that his life had never changed, and he didn�t like that.
His fingers absently stroked Toby�s tail as the cat surveyed the ground below,
as if he was looking for intruders. It would go away, he told himself, the
sickness, the alienation, and the membrane thin barrier between his past and
his present, but he couldn�t believe his own lies.

�� Duo knew that he should go out and get some food, he had
his paycheck on him, so he could afford it, but he didn�t move. He felt
thirsty, but he had appetite and had no desire to move from his spot. What was
he doing? That question kept circling around in his head. When he had been with
Wes, he would have chopped off both of his hands just for the opportunity to
live with Heero, but now he was running away. He couldn�t ignore the fact that
he didn�t belong there even if it was his only home. He couldn�t deny that he
was never going to have a normal life, even if it was what all he had ever wanted.
He closed his eyes. He felt so tired. He wanted to go back, but what was the
point? He wasn�t going to change, he would always be
the same broken person, no matter what Heero did. How could he face his best
friend knowing that? But, he wasn�t being fair to Heero doing that. He was
probably worried sick and Duo didn�t like the idea of hurting him like that
just because he was a coward. He gave another soft sigh, his fatigue making it
nearly impossible for him to open his eyes, so he left himself doze off.

�� When the sun rose on Wednesday morning, Name was seriously
considering calling the police, even though she knew that she couldn�t if the
police did find Duo, they would never see him again, he would be shipped off to
an orphanage, or worse, witness protection would relocate him. Duo had probably
seen a lot of terrible crimes done by Wes and if the police knew that, they
would be salivating to get their hands on him. She couldn�t do that to him or
Heero. Still, he had been gone for two days now and everyone was becoming
frantic. The longer he was gone, the harder it was going to be to locate him.
She didn�t know if he was holed up or on the move, she didn�t even know what
she was going to say to him if they did find
him. She was pissed because of her fear, but she was mostly worried for his
safety and wanted him home more than any desire to yell at him. Heero was just
like he had been the first time Duo had gone missing, minus the righteous
anger, but what he was missing in fury, he was making up for in pure anxiety.
It wasn�t a very pleasant thing to watch. When they were on the search, he was
focused, driven, and determined to the point of obsession. She wanted to tell
him to slow down and relax, but knew that it was just going to be a waste of
breath. She had never seen her son care about something this much and wasn�t
sure if it was endearing or dangerous. What was worse was when they had given
up for the night, he had started to pace wildly, reminding her of a caged wolf,
then had locked himself in his room for the rest of the night, skipping dinner.
Only knowing that she had forced him to eat breakfast and lunch had kept her
from shoving dinner down his throat. She didn�t know what was worse, Duo
running away, or Heero�s reaction to it.

�� As he, Name, and Trowa sat in the family room, watching the
news, Quatre found himself continuously looking back towards the stairs as if
his worried gaze could summon Heero down them. He was deeply concerned for his
best friend. Heero could fool himself if he wanted, but he couldn�t fool him or
Trowa, they knew him too well and Quatre knew that Heero�s feelings for Duo
were much deeper than friendship. It wasn�t that hard to see. Heero was usually
a somewhat closed off, cautious person, but with Duo, all his feelings were raw
and on the surface. He couldn�t remember ever seeing him scared, even as a
child, without Duo involved. He tried to think back and remember if Heero had
ever shown an interest in boys before, but he couldn�t think of any such
incident. He did remember Heero telling him how much Relena trying to have sex
with him bothered him and that just the thought of it felt wrong to him, but
Quatre wasn�t sure if it was because Relena was a girl or had been his friend.
He also wasn�t sure if Duo was the first boy Heero had fallen for, but if he
was, he was taking it rather well. Heero seemed to be well aware of his
emotions, though he refused to speak of them out loud, and wasn�t doing
anything extreme to test, or deny, his sexuality. Quatre remembered his own
experiences with his sexuality, though it hurt to think back on those uncertain
times in his life. Trowa was the only person, boy or girl,
that he had ever fallen in love with, but his feelings for him had been
too powerful to ignore, but he had still tried to deny them out of fear of his
family. He had tried to date girls, but that attempt had only lasted a month,
ending with him surrendering and asking Trowa out on a date. The difference
between those random girls and his friend had been too obvious for him to deny
and they had been together ever since. Thinking back to those
early moments in their relationship made Quatre smile. He tried to
imagine how he would react if Trowa ran away like Duo had, but it hurt too much
to think about that. Still, it worried him, how Heero was taking Duo�s
disappearance and the pain that he wasn�t
showing them.

�� But, even more than he was afraid for Heero, he was afraid
for Duo. He wasn�t worried about him surviving or finding shelter, his new
found friend knew all about how to survive on the streets, he had been living
long before he had lived here, so he was sure he was fine. The one thing he was
worried about was Wes. If he found Duo� Trowa looked
over at his lover as he shuddered.

�� If Wes found Duo, it wouldn�t matter if they found him or
not. Duo already had enough problems, adding Wes to all of it would probably be
the last straw. He didn�t even know what the man would do if he got his hands
on Duo. If he thought that he could get away scott free, he would probably move away and make Duo
whore himself somewhere else. That made Quatre�s chest hurt, the thought of Duo
somewhere were they couldn�t help him, back in that terrible life. Or, the man
would think that Duo was too much trouble to keep alive and kill him. He hoped
that, since Duo had been gone for so long and they hadn�t gone to the police
yet, Wes would leave Duo alone, but even he wasn�t that optimistic. Duo�s
absence at breakfast had been a very physical, painful thing, but Quatre felt
lost. He had been brought up to always have a plan and now that he didn�t have
one, he had no idea what to do.

�� I�m going to go look some more,� Trowa said, standing up,
�I suggest that you two do the same, I�ll grab Heero.�

�� Name looked up at him with a tired expression.

�� Where exactly will you go, Trowa? We�ve covered all the
places we could think of that he would be comfortable hiding in. I�m not saying
to give up, but do you have any sort of plan?�

�� Trowa narrowed his eyes at her slightly.

�� You may think that he has a chance of survival out there,
but you�re wrong,� Trowa said sharply. Quatre and Name gave him quizzical
looks.

�� Heero needs some fresh air, so I�m going to take him out
for some breakfast and check the town soup kitchen. Then we�ll split up. I�ll
go on foot. The plan is to look in
every inch of town, ever crack and crevice until we find him. Giving up isn�t
an option,� he tossed Name a bottle of pills from his pocket.

�� If you find Duo, he�s going to need those,� he told her,
�I have some in my pocket and I�ll give Heero a few, too. It�s only been two
days, but without the drugs or his
spleen, I�m not taking any chances.�

�� Name�s eyes widened.

�� Oh, fuck,� she swore, her voice tight with emotion, �his
medicine, I forgot��

�� Like I said,� Trowa said in a soft voice, �he can�t
survive on his own, no matter how strong he is.�

�� Duo awoke blearily as the sun shone in his eyes, but
squeezed them shut again as the bright light made his head pound. He stifled a
cough and curled up tighter, his throat was so raw it hurt to cough or swallow.
He needed water, but he was tired, he just needed a little more sleep, then he
could go down and buy something to drink.

�� Nrawr,� Toby made a gruff sound
as he rubbed his head against Duo�s neck, as though he was urging him to stay
awake. Duo opened his eyes again, but only halfway.

�� I�ll be fine,� he assured him in a raspy voice, �I know
I�ve been sleeping too much, but it�ll pass. I� I don�t think I should have run
away,� he admitted out loud, �I mean, it�s not like I can live up here. I have to go back to work and school, but I can�t go
back home. Heero can�t ever know how I feel about him, but if I stay there, I�
I can�t hide it anymore, it hurts too much, but I can�t just� fall out of love with him,� it hurt to talk,
but the words spilled out of him anyway. It wasn�t the first time that he had
confided in Toby and it always made him feel better.

�� I don�t belong there,� he murmured, �I don�t belong
anywhere.�

�� Toby watched as the boy fell asleep again. The cat started
to pace in worry and agitation. He knew that something was wrong with his
owner. He hadn�t consumed anything in days and Toby knew that Duo wouldn�t
appreciate the mice and birds that he had managed to survive on. He also knew
that he had to find another human, someone who knew what was wrong with his
human, but he was unsure about leaving the boy alone. He paced some more. The
blue eyed human that Duo hung out with would know what to do, but he was too
far away. The cat looked up at Duo, taking in his flushed face and deep
breathing, and made his decision. As carefully as a cat could, he descended the
iron ladder and left the balcony.

�� The soup kitchen turned out to be a bust, but Trowa wasn�t
surprised about that. Heero became more and more agitated with every failed
location that they visited and Trowa knew that it wouldn�t be long before his
friend snapped from the pressure. He felt guilty about telling Heero about
Duo�s medication as Heero�s level of stress had sky rocketed since then.
However, the clock was ticking and
Trowa knew that they had to find Duo fast, unless Wes had found him already. If
that was the case, it wouldn�t matter what Wes did to him, without his
medication, Duo could get very sick and would probably die, especially if he
caught pneumonia. Surprisingly, the news of Duo�s probable death sentence had seemed
to shock Heero into eating, as though the Japanese boy realized that his best
friend�s welfare now depended on his own health.

�� Where will you go?� Trowa asked Heero as he got into his
car. Heero had agreed to the logic of them splitting up. The both of them were
armed with a back pack filled with water, food, and Duo�s medication, plus
their cell phones, so splitting up wasn�t a bad idea.

�� I�m going to drive around for a few hours,� Heero replied,
looking lost, �I�ll see if I can spot him or if anyone can remember seeing him.
What about you?�

�� I�ll head back to the school,� Trowa said, �Now that it�s
closed for the week, he might have gone back there. I
know that we�ve already looked there, but it�s the most likely place for him to
be hiding in.�

�� Heero nodded and paused, rolling something around in his
mind.

�� Trowa� thank you. This means a lot to me, you and Quatre,
working so hard�� Heero�s voice was tight and strained as he forced himself not
to show all of the emotions he was feeling. Trowa nodded.

�� Duo�s my friend, too. Besides, I know how much he means to
you.�

�� Both Heero and Trowa knew exactly what he meant, but
neither of them said anything further. Heero simply closed the car door and
drove off Trowa watched him go, then started to walk
in the other direction.

�� The school was already in sight when Trowa spotted it. He
hadn�t been paying attention to where he was walking, simply looking off to the
side, into alley ways, just in case he saw something,
so it was a lucky thing that he had suddenly looked back onto the street or
he would have eventually walked right into it. Several feet from him, sitting
in front of a huge iron fence that led to some old, abandoned apartments, was a
big, tawny, Javanese cat, looking around frantically as though it was waiting
for someone.

�� No fucking way, it can�t be!� Trowa muttered to himself, but the familiar brown
collar around the feline�s neck eliminated most of his doubts.

�� Toby!� he called.

�� Trowa�s heart stopped when the cat�s ears perked and it
bounded over to him. The silver tag fastened to the cat�s collar made his heart
pound wildly.

�� Oh, God, Toby,� he almost cried, wrapped his arms around
the feline�s warm body. Toby purred and rubbed against him, but then suddenly
wiggled out of his arms and bit his leg. Trowa winced as his teeth pierced
through his jeans and scratched his leg slightly, but focused immediately on
how the large cat was tugging at his jeans, trying to drag him forward.

�� Toby, where is he?� Trowa demanded excitedly, feeling like
his chest was going to explode as Toby let go of his jeans and ran through the iron gate.

�� Duo� Duo� You have to wake up� please wake up,� a familiar
voice broke through the fog surrounding Duo�s consciousness. He struggled to
open his eyes, but he felt so heavy, it was difficult. When he managed to open
them, he was looking into familiar green eyes and he panicked. His sleepy brain
tried to jump start as he was positive that it was Chris that had found him. He
struck out blindly, trying to get away, but a strong hand grabbed his wrist and
kept him from thrashing.

�� Duo, it�s ok! It�s Trowa, alright?�

�� With those softly spoken but scared sounding words, Duo�s
world came back to him. He recognized the balcony and Trowa�s handsome face,
but he had a hard time connecting the two things together.

�� Trowa?� he murmured. Was he dreaming? He hadn�t been
dreaming before, but he knew that he had been sleeping too long again. How had
Trowa found him? But he looked happy, not angry.

�� Trowa let go of Duo�s wrist in relief and watched as he
sagged against the wall. The longhaired boy looked exhausted, but not too bad
off and he felt himself relax. �

�� You had all of us worried sick!� he blurted out, �Are you
alright?�

�� Duo nodded, smiling slightly as Toby crawled back into his
lap and lay down. Trowa couldn�t stop looking at him,
amazed that he had actually found him it didn�t seem real�

�� How did you find me?� Duo asked with wide eyes, the fog
around his brain losing its grip on him.

�� You can thank Toby for that,� Trowa said with a gentle
smile, �he found me and led me to you, though,� he took a look around the
balcony, �If I had to run and hide, I would chose a place just like this.�

�� Duo scratched the top of Toby�s head. He had never thought
that this would happen. Despite his fear of being dragged back home and yelled
at, he was glad to see Trowa and wanted very badly to confide in him all of the
things that had been bothering him lately. Trowa was so kind and gentle and, best
of all, he knew how to listen without bias or judgment. He blinked in confusion
as Trowa wrapped his coat around his more slender shoulders, putting a bottle
of water in one of his hands, and dropping two pills in the other. He stared
down at the familiar pills dumbly as though he had never seen them before.

�� Take them, Duo,� Trowa said flatly. Duo automatically did
as he was told, but almost moaned in pleasure when he took his first sip of the
water. It was beyond heavenly, the cool water sliding down his dry throat and
the sip quickly turned into a gulp until the bottle was empty. With a worried
look, Trowa handed him another bottle from his pack and watched as his friend
slowed down enough to just sip at the bottle. He felt most of his remaining anxiety
fade when he watched Duo swallow hi pills. Duo noticed Trowa watching him and
blushed.

�� I�m sorry I worried everyone.�

�� Trowa nodded.

�� I know that you didn�t mean to,� he assured him, �but we
love you, so it�s only natural for us to worry when you disappear like that.�

�� Duo ran a shaky hand through his mussed bangs, feeling
mostly better and more focused with fresh water in his body. Hearing those
words, �we love you,� made him feel deliriously happy and guilty at the same
time. He shouldn�t have run away, he knew that now, but there was something
holding him back from admitting it to Trowa. He wasn�t sure if he should go
back, it seemed wrong somehow with so many of his doubts and fears still there,
even if it did make him feel safe.

�� I�m sorry,� he said again, �I worried all of you over
nothing and Mr. Khushrenada is probably pissed at me.�

�� Trowa patted his knee.

�� Don�t worry. Khushrenada got word of a bomb threat Monday,
so he had no choice but to close the school for the week while the cops investigate
it. You�re safe,� the green eyed boy assured him.

�� Duo breathed in relief, feeling some of the tightness in
his chest dissipate, but the reason why the school was closed shocked him.

�� There was a bomb?� he asked with wide eyes. Right away,
his thoughts went to Wes and Chris, but he tried to stop thinking that way. He
was being egotistical and he hated thinking like that. He knew that not
everything bad that happened had to do with him, but his mind drifted to those
thoughts anyway.

�� Trowa snorted.

�� Every school has bomb threats. It�s probably just some dumb
kid goofing off,� he pointed out. They all jumped, even Toby who had been
resting his head on Duo�s leg, when Trowa�s cell phone rang. Trowa whipped the
phone out of his bag and opened it.

�� What is it?� Duo asked as Trowa read the text message and
frowned.

�� Heero,� Trowa answered, �he wants to know if I�ve found
anything.�

�� Duo almost snorted at that, Trowa had definitely found
something, but he blushed beet red, instead, at the
mention of his best friend. He was still looking for him, despite how stupid he
was acting. That fact made his guilt rear up and bit him like a voracious,
hungry beast. He immediately noticed that Trowa wasn�t answering Heero�s text
and felt hope blossom in his chest. It was a stupid feeling, but he didn�t want
Trowa bringing Heero here. The next time he saw Heero, he wanted it to be on his terms.

�� Do you want me to call him?� Trowa asked in a soft, kind
voice. Duo looked over at him with a shocked expression.

�� You�re not going to answer him?� he asked.

�� If you don�t want me to, I won�t.�

�� Duo mulled that over for a few seconds. He hadn�t thought
that Trowa would give him a choice. He shook his head.

�� I�m not ready to talk to him,� he admitted softly, ashamed
of himself, but Trowa closed the phone and put it away.

�� I get it,� Trowa said, �and Heero doesn�t have to know
anything if you don�t want him to.�

�� Duo relaxed at Trowa�s words. Out of the five of them,
including Wufei, Trowa was easily the most down to earth. He didn�t think that
Heero would have understood, or accepted, his decision if their place had been
reversed. Duo was once again struck with the urge to tell Trowa what was wrong.
It was too difficult talking to Heero about those things, but Trowa was different,
he knew when to accept things the way that they were and he understood things
that people like Quatre and Heero didn�t.

�� You know, I doubt that you had us worried over nothing,�
Trowa pointed out, solidifying Duo�s need to let out what had been bothering
him for so long, �There was a good reason why you ran away, isn�t there?�

�� Duo nodded, unsure at first.

�� I overheard Name and Noventa talking about Heero getting
married,� Duo started. Trowa sighed.

�� He�s not getting married,� he explained in an annoyed
tone, �Name isn�t going to let that happen and Heero has no desire to marry
Sylvia.�

�� Despite all of the times over the past forty-eight hours
Duo had told himself that it wasn�t Heero�s marriage that had caused him to run
away, knowing that it wasn�t going to happen made him want to cry in relief.

�� I think that I knew that he wasn�t really going to be married,� he murmured, �but it still hurt� a
lot. I mean, Heero always told me that he would never abandon me, but he has
this entire other life that I barely know exists. It�s so frustrating, I never
know if he�s going to leave or why. He never told me about Relena or Sylvia.
You have no idea how much that hurts!� Toby�s ears stood up straight and he
watched Duo protectively as his voice started to rise in distress, �Not that he
doesn�t trust me, I wouldn�t trust me, either, but I told him all that awful,
embarrassing crap and he can�t tell me about some aborted marriages in his
past? When he told me about what had happened to his father, I had thought he
would open up a little, but he�s still hiding
all these things from me. He saved my life, I�d do anything for him, but he
doesn�t feel the same way. How can I deal with our friendship when I don�t even
know where he stands?� Duo asked dejectedly.

�� Duo�� Trowa looked at the depressed boy in alarm. He had
had no idea that Duo felt that way about his and Heero�s friendship, but,
really, he wasn�t too surprised. In Duo�s situation, he had felt the same way, but Quatre was much more open than Heero. He
wondered how Heero would react if he learned how his closed off attitude was
hurting the boy he loved.

�� Heero cares about you a lot,� Trowa tried to comfort him,
�Don�t ever doubt that. There are still things Quatre and I don�t know about
him. After his father died, Heero refused to talk about him. That he told you
what happened back then is a very good sign. He�s very closed off. You kept
your secrets for a long time, too. It was only because you were sick and
already caught in one of your lies that you told anyone. Heero�s the same way.
I understand that it hurts, but it�s not because he doesn�t care. He does feel
the same way about you, he just has problems showing
that.

�� Duo wrapped his arms around his bent legs. He couldn�t deny
that Trowa�s words made him feel better, but he wished that he could hear those
things from Heero.

�� He may care about me, but it feels like all these people
and things don�t want me to be with him. How can I fight against that? I don�t
belong there, not in that house with people like Quatre and Heero. You may say
that I�m a good person, but that doesn�t mean a damn thing! I feel like an
alien with all those good things. I always wanted a family, I just want this
one, small thing, but I can�t have that because I don�t deserve it and I feel
like I�m not destined to have it. I just feel so small and useless, every time
I�m reminded who Name and Heero are. It certainly doesn�t help me feel better
when they�re hiding things from me! Just once, I�d like someone to trust. I thought that would be Name and
Heero. My whole life, people have been lying to me and using me, I never
thought that Heero would lie to me, too, and I know how dumb that sounds. I�ve been lying to him since the moment
we met, but it won�t stop hurting. I don�t deserve to be in their lives, but I want to be. Am I so unimportant that
they can�t tell me about these things?

�� The sad thing is, it wasn�t the lies or feeling alienated
that made me run. If you or Quatre had done it, it would have hurt, but I could
have handled it. It was because it was Heero that made it hurt so fucking much.
He always makes it hurt more than anyone else. Wes was the same way. If it was
someone else that hit me or raped me, it wouldn�t hurt so bad,
but, for some reason, because it was him,
it was so much worse. Heero�s exactly the same way, though I can�t figure out
why.�

�� Trowa�s heart felt heavy with Duo�s explanation of why he
had run, and he was starting to understand the answer to Duo�s own question of
�why�, but he didn�t voice his suspicions out loud. It would be a wonderful
thing, though, if he was right.

�� I know I shouldn�t feel this way over something so stupid,
but I couldn�t figure out how to make my chest stop hurting. All I could think
about was what I was doing in that beautiful house with those beautiful people.
I always thought that I knew who I was. It wasn�t such a hard thing to know. I
had been born and raised on the streets. I was an orphan, a beggar, a thief,
and a whore, those are things I�ve always known and understood, but now I�m
worrying about things like getting a job and finishing my homework on time�
that isn�t who I am! Why am I worrying about those things? I�ve always hated
myself, but it was what I knew. I feel like I�m losing who I was and that
terrifies me. I hated that person and I should be glad that I�m finally putting
all of that behind me, but I�m just so scared. I feel like I don�t belong
anywhere, not back on the streets, I can�t survive out there again now that I
know how good things can be, but I don�t belong with the Yuy�s, either, I feel
too dirty, too misplaced, I thought that no one would ever care about me, that
I�d die, forgotten and lost, but Heero�s different. Even after I hurt him, he
never forgot about me, even out of spite. I don�t deserve to be his best
friend. I mean, why me? There are millions of people in the world he could have
taken off the streets and into his home, why me? All I wanted was to accept the good tings that had happened to
me, but I kept thinking of those things, and I felt so overwhelmed, I had to run. I�m never going to be
normal, I can never be the person Heero wants me to be and he has to accept
that. How can we continue to be best friends if we don�t understand each other?
I want to be who he wants, who he needs, but it�s impossible, it�s just too
hard,� Duo�s voice cracked with emotion, but he refused to cry, �How can I
possibly go back home when I�m exactly the same?�

Trowa
was stunned into silence, overwhelmed by the enormity of Duo�s problems. There
was nothing simply about the longhaired boy and he wasn�t sure how to comfort
him. Not for the first time, he wished that Quatre was there. It was so easy
for his lover to talk and empathize with people, but the problem for Trowa now,
ironically, was that he empathized with Duo too much. It was extremely
difficult seeing his friend in so much pain and he felt too awkward to find the
words to make Duo come back home. They lapsed into a strange silence, Duo
having run out of words and Trowa struggling to find his own.

�I
think you just answered your own question. Nobody wants you to change, you�re fine the way you are now, even if that�s hard
for you to believe. You can always go
back home. It�s probably not much consolation, but when Quatre and I first
started to date, I felt pretty alone. There was so much I didn�t know about
him,� Trowa finally spoke, �I was scared that he would never open up to me and
we would always be in the dark with each other. Quatre�s not as closed off as
Heero, but it still took us years for us to get on equal footing. I was very
patient with him, and him with me. We loved each
other, but we were still scared to trust each other. Over the year I learned
that Quatre was embarrassed about a lot of things in his past, just as much as
I was. Heero�s probably the same way. He�s the sort of person that doesn�t even
think of his past as important, holding it close to himself because he doesn�t
think anyone needs to know about it. Heero does trust you. His keeping silent
about Relena and Sylvia has nothing to do with trust. He trusted you with the
story of his father, but, and trust me on
this, he�s ashamed and disgusted about his relationship with Relena. He wasn�t
keeping it a secret, he just didn�t feel it was
something you needed to know. He thought that he would never have to see her
again, but when she showed up, he told you the truth, didn�t he?�

Duo
paused, thinking about it, and nodded. Heero had been so embarrassed over what
Relena had done back then, but he had told him about their past instantly, he had
never refused to tell him or lied to him.

�� You�re right,� Trowa continued, �we don�t belong in that house, neither of
us. The Winner�s and the Yuy�s are the most powerful families on the planet.
Compared to them, an orphaned whore and an ex-circus performer are lower than
dirt. We don�t belong there, but we�ll stay there, because it makes them happy. I belong with Quatre because
he�s in love with me and if I left, he would be in so much pain. Quatre belongs
among good things and I belong with
him. It�s the same exact way with you and Heero. You don�t belong in that house
because it�s not how you�ve lived your life until now. Just because you don�t
belong there doesn�t mean that you don�t deserve to be happy. Heero needs good,
loyal friends and you�re that for him. You say that you can�t trust him or
Name, but that�s not true. You may not be able to trust them to tell you the
truth all the time, but you can trust them to love you and keep you safe.
You�re not unimportant. You�re the most important thing in Heero�s life! If you
needed him to, he would drop out of school and run away from his family! He
cares about you and doesn�t want to see you hurt. He didn�t see Sylvia as
important, so he didn�t bother you with it. When you disappeared, he almost lost
his sanity. Even when he was pissed at you, he couldn�t sleep because he was so
worried. How can you say that you�re not important? But, you have every reason
to feel so bad about all of this. Heero�s as important to you as you are to
him. I know you�re terrified of losing him and he�s scared of losing you, too.
It�s not stupid to be afraid for something or someone you love. You have a good
reason to be afraid of losing yourself, too. Even if it makes you feel like
shit, you are who you are. It�s what you understand. You don�t have to change.
Heero doesn�t want you to change. I know it doesn�t seem that way, but it�s
true. You are who Heero wants and
needs. He wants you healed, but he knows that you�ll always be who you grew up
to be.�

�� The two boys fell into silence again, Duo absorbing Trowa�s
words. It felt good knowing that at least someone
didn�t think he was an idiot for feeling like he did. It also felt comforting
that Trowa had had similar issues with Quatre. He struggled not to blush at the
comparison between his friendship with Heero to
Trowa�s romantic relationship with Quatre. Equal footing� he didn�t think he
would ever get there with Heero, though it was something that he wanted to
fight for. The thought of Heero being just as embarrassed of his past as he was
of his was strange to him. He couldn�t see how Heero could feel that way
considering the family he had been born into, but he understood how painful his
dead friendship with Relena was for Heero.

�� Duo felt an intense relief settle inside of him hearing
that Heero trusted him and his fears about him keeping things from him on
purpose were unfounded. He had been so worried about Heero trusting him, he had ended up losing trust in
Heero and that made him feel sick. He did
trust Heero to do the right thing, but his own distrust of himself made it
hard to believe that someone else trusted him. He relieved that Trowa was right
about his feelings of alienation. He wanted to protest that Trowa belonged
there, it was just himself that didn�t, but he realized what a double standard
that was, not to mention he couldn�t describe why he felt like Trowa belonged there and he didn�t without
sounding egotistical and judgmental. He knew that Trowa was right, Heero needed
him and he couldn�t hurt Heero because he was having doubts. He still couldn�t
figure out why Heero had specifically chosen him to fill that need, but he had. Duo knew he wouldn�t last very
long without Heero anyway. He was stubborn and he could probably fall back on
his old survival habits, but emotionally and mentally, he really didn�t want to
live in the lonely cold anymore, bereft of Heero�s affection, safety, and, most
of all, promises and forgiveness. He felt dirty and strange living with him,
but even amongst those dark feelings and doubts, his presence there had made
both of them happy, and that was so much better than the two of them being
lonely again. He remembered all the nightmares, all the panic attacks, and how
Name and Heero had been there for him. It made him sick, the thought of being
away from them. Heero thought he belonged there and that was all that should
matter to him. He knew that he could trust his best friend with what was
important. It was his own selfish feelings that made him think he needed to know everything about him, but
that wasn�t true. Heero made him feel safe and wanted and Duo knew that Heero
would never take that away from him. He could see Heero lying to keep that
trust, not to take it away, but how could Heero want him to stay the way that
he was? He knew that Heero didn�t want to see him hurt, but how could he ever
know, ever understand, how he felt about his past? No one did and that scared
him. He could tell Heero and Name what happened to him, but they could never
possibly understand how deep those things had burrowed inside his soul, that
they were there to stay. His hands curled into tight fists.

�� They have no idea how I feel,� he snapped angrily, �You�re
right, even if I hate myself, I am who I am and I�m not going to change. Heero might accept it, but how can he when he
doesn�t get what that means?! He thinks that one day, I�ll be �healed� and I�ll
be able to be normal. He thinks that, one day, I can shake hands with a
stranger and not be scared, that the nightmares will, eventually, go away, but that�s
not going to happen! He thinks that, just because I�m going to school and I
have a job, that means that I�m getting better. He
doesn�t get that every second I�m there, watching other kids worry about dating
or telling customers where things are I�m screaming inside. How can he ever
understand that?�

�� Trowa�s green eyes seemed to darken as he thought over
Duo�s words. He had never met another person like the longhaired boy and, for
the first time in his life he knew exactly what he wanted to say to him, he was
just scared to say it. Looking at Duo�s all-too familiar, tortured expression,
he finally made up his mind.

�� You�re right. There isn�t a single person in the world
that can understand the pain you�re in. It�s your pain, your memories, Duo,
even if someone says they understand, they can�t
because they haven�t been where you�ve been, they haven�t seen or felt what you
have. But, though I can�t understand everything you feel or think, I�m the
closest you have to someone who can empathize
with you.�

�� Duo�s brow furrowed in confusion and he looked over at his
much taller friend.

�� What is that supposed to mean?� he asked in a soft, but
wary voice. Trowa let go of a shuddering breath and swallowed roughly, staring
off in the distance, not wanting to meet Duo�s expressive violet eyes just yet.

�� After my parents died, I had been given to my sister,
Catherine, but she was young, only eighteen at the time. When I was nine,
child�s services decided they didn�t like the thought of a single woman raising
her little brother in a circus trailer and gave me to one of my uncles. I loved
my sister and I had never met the man but he was charismatic and nice to me, so
I warmed up to him quickly. However, after three months, he shoved his true
colors,� Duo watched in astonishment as silent tears tracked down Trowa�s
cheeks, �He snuck into my room one night and raped me,� his voice cracked, �He
did that every night for two years. He forbade my sister to see me and I didn�t
get to see Quatre very much. I felt utterly alone, like there was no one I
could talk to. He never did anything as brutal as what Wes did to you, but it
was awful. He tried to get me to like it and got angry when I couldn�t. He told
me it was my fault and for most of my life, I believed him.�

�� Duo intertwined his fingers with Trowa�s, his heart aching.
He realized he had never been on this side of the conversation before and had a
new found respect for Heero and Name. It was painful, just sitting there and
listening to another spill their agony. He had always felt a deep connection to
Trowa, but he had assumed it was because he wasn�t rich or powerful like
Quarter and Heero, now he knew that it was something much, much deeper.

�� What happened?� he murmured. Trowa felt a
soft warmth like he had never experienced before at Duo�s hand on his.
It was far from sexual, it was more like meeting a
long lost brother. He squeezed back.

�� That�s right,� he thought, �Duo knows how I feel better
than anyone else.�

�� One day, I couldn�t take anymore. I threatened him that I
would call the police if he didn�t stop touching me. He got pissed and broke my
arm. He left me bleeding in my bedroom and I called 911. I told the police
everything and he was arrested. I ended up back with my sister,� he paused and
smiled bitterly, �I never spoke a word about what had happened, not even to
Quatre,� Trowa�s forest green eyes met Duo�s, �only you, because though I know
that you�ll never understand, fully, how I feel, you can empathize with me,
can�t you?�

�� Duo nodded, not letting go of Trowa�s hand. He couldn�t
remember when he had ever felt this way, holding hands with someone who had
actually felt what he had.

�� I�m so sorry,� he murmured, �I�d never wish that on
anyone.�

�� Trowa let go of his hand to put his arm over Duo�s thin
shoulders and hugged him awkwardly.

�� You and I understand what true insanity feels like, how a
simple touch from someone you had once hoped to help you can destroy your life.
It took me a very long time to trust people enough to show my emotions. It took
an even longer time to trust my self enough to make love to Quatre. I�m still
afraid that, whatever evil was in my uncle is in me, too, and one day I�ll do something
horrible to the one I love.�

�� It�s why I could never let Heero go after Relena or
Zechs,� Duo admitted, �I lived with Wes for so long� I know bits of him have
probably become a part of me. I constantly live in fear that I�ll become him,
loving the pain of others. I�ve tried everything to keep that from happening.
It�s part of why I never fought back against Zechs. I was afraid that I would
hurt him and like it. I don�t want to be that person! Sometimes, Wes would make
me enjoy getting raped. I don�t know if it was the physical sensation or if
there�s something� sick inside my mind that liked the pain and humiliation. I
don�t want to know.�

�� Trowa sighed, trying to hide his anger.

�� You�re not Wes, Duo. It hurt, a lot, being around you,
knowing what happened to you. It brought my own memories too close to the
surface, but, mostly, it was because you�re too kind, too affectionate and
bright. Subconsciously, I put you in my place and that made your past too real
and too terrible for me. It just isn�t
fair. My demon is locked behind bars while yours is still free. It
shouldn�t be that way.�

�� Duo was silent. He still wasn�t used to people seeing him
as a victim, someone who deserved to be loved and protected, instead of a
wanton slut that deserved every bad thing that had happened to him. He couldn�t
find the words to comfort Trowa because he had been searching for those very
words to make the screaming in his own head to go away.

�� Do you think you�ll ever tell Quatre?� he finally asked.
Trowa shook his head with a soft smile.

�� I�m not that brave,� he said, �if he knew, I don�t think
I�d be able to be the rock that he needs. I need to be strong, for both of us.
Maybe in the far future, I�ll have the courage, but I just can�t bear him
knowing about the worst time in my life.�

�� If it was someone I loved, I�d want to know everything
about him, good and bad. I�d want to help him,� Duo pointed out. Trowa noticed
Duo using �him�, but didn�t point it out.

�� Like I said,� he murmured, �I�m not that strong,� Trowa
looked down at Duo.

�� Come home, Duo,� he insisted and Duo could hear the
desperation in his voice. He realized that Trowa needed a friend to lean on,
too, but his life still wasn�t so simple.

�� I can�t,� Duo
whispered.

�� Why not?� Trowa demanded.

�� I just can�t!�
Duo insisted, his voice rising.

�� Why?� Trowa was
just as stubborn as Duo and, especially after forging the new connection with
his friend, he wasn�t going home unless he was with him.

�� Because I�m in love with him, ok?!� Duo screamed. Toby
jumped off of his lap at the sudden loud cry and huddled in a corner of the
balcony. Duo�s eyes widened as he realized what he had done and he put his hand
over his mouth to keep any more traitorous words from spilling forth He
scrambled to his feet.

�� Forget I said that,� he said quickly, preparing to run as
far away as he could from his great mistake. Trowa stood, grabbing Duo�s shoulders
to keep him from bolting.

�� Duo, just stop, ok?�

�� Duo struggled against him, but Trowa was too strong.

�� You�re in love with Heero?� Trowa pressed. Duo shook with
the need to repress the truth, but it was useless.

�� Yes,� he whispered, �And so what if I do? So what if I�m a
pervert just like Wes and I�m hard up for my best friend?!� he snapped harshly.

�� You�re not a pervert for falling in love with someone,�
Trowa soothed, letting go of Duo, �You�re a human being, one who�s starved for
affection and normal relationships. Why do you love him?�

�� Duo whirled and Trowa flinched at the lost look in his wide
eyes.

�� How couldn�t I have fallen in love with him?� he
countered, �He�s gorgeous, kind, brave, he forgives me and keeps his promises.
He�s the first real friend I�ve had and he isn�t disgusted with me, despite all
that I�ve done and said. He may not understand me, but he�s patient with me.�

�� Trowa smiled softly at the sudden brightness of Duo�s eyes.
The boy had fallen hard for their mutual friend, but as sweet as that thought
was, it sent a chill down his spine. Duo was so emotionally fragile, his
feelings for Heero could either make them very, very happy, or it could lead to
a complete disaster, perhaps both.

�� But it doesn�t matter,� Duo said in a voice so broken, it
made Trowa want to cry again, �He�ll never love me, how could he? I�m used
goods, compared to him, I�m scum. He could have his pick of gorgeous,
high-class women and men, there�s no way he�d pick me. That�s, ultimately, why
I ran. I can�t live with him, day after day, knowing he�ll never look at me how
I look at him. It hurt too much.�

�� Trowa bit his lip. He wanted to tell Duo about his and
Quatre�s theory on how Heero felt about him, but it felt wrong to do so. He didn�t
think that Duo was emotionally ready for any
sort of relationship and if Heero wasn�t the one to tell him, it would just
cause more problems in the end. He wanted to tell him that all those gorgeous
people didn�t matter to Heero. Couldn�t Duo see how gorgeous he was and how he
turned Heero�s head every second they were together? He wanted to tell Duo that
Heero would much rather prefer someone down to earth,
smart, and modest than some rich snob, but he didn�t. He knew that if he did,
Duo would want to know why he was so sure about that. Instead, he hugged Duo
tightly, secretly hating himself for not being able to tell him the truth. Duo
stiffened in Trowa�s arms for a few seconds, solidifying his belief that the
violet-eyed boy wasn�t ready to deal with the sort of relationship Heero was
looking for.

�� I can�t promise you that coming home will make that pain
better, but I can promise you that you don�t have to suffer alone. Whenever you
feel that pain, you can come to me and talk about it. But, Duo, you can�t keep
running away like this. It isn�t fair to us and it�s not fair to you, ok?�

�� Duo nodded hesitantly. He knew that Trowa was right, he had
to go back home he just couldn�t believe he had finally admitted his feelings for Heero out loud, and to one of his
friends. But, Trowa wasn�t angry about it, he was accepting. He felt some long
term stress leave him at the admittance

�� If I come home, will you tell anyone� about any of this?�

�� Trowa shook his head and let go of him.

�� You don�t want me to and it�s not my place.�

�� Duo breathed in relief. Suddenly, he realized that he had
finally found someone that was glad to listen to him, but would never tell
anyone.

�� There�s something else,� he admitted. Trowa nodded.

�� It doesn�t have anything to do with why I ran away, but
what you said about being myself reminded me of it and
its something that�s been bothering me for awhile now.�

�� Whatever you have to say, I�ll listen and I won�t judge
you,� Trowa assured him.

�� Toby sensed that the emotional turmoil was over and rubbed
himself against Duo�s leg. Duo picked him up and let him sit on his shoulder.

�� For awhile now, I feel like I�ve been leaving bits and
pieces of myself behind. There�s these two boy that I
know, Solo and Shi,� Duo caressed Toby�s tail for comfort as he spoke, �They�re
whores, like I was. I met the both of them when I was younger and we�ve been
looking out for each other ever since, though we never see each other very
much. I haven�t spoken to them since the day Heero found me. I miss them so
much and they probably think I�m dead. I hate myself for that, for making them
worry, but I�ve never tried to contact them.�

�� Why?� Trowa asked, �If it�s because of us, we won�t judge
them-,�

�� I know that,� Duo said softly, �It doesn�t have anything
to do with you guys. A small part of it is I�m terrified of going to that part
of town again.�

�� I don�t blame you,� Trowa agreed, �If I were you, I wouldn�t
want to go within miles of where you used to live and work. You shouldn�t have
to risk your safety and mental health dealing with that. It�s too soon.�

�� But that�s not the main reason,� Duo continued, �I haven�t
contacted them because I feel so guilty. I mean, I was saved, I got out, but
they haven�t, and probably never will. I�m living under a roof, get to go to
school and eat with no financial worries while they�re out in the rain and
cold, suffering. How can I face them, knowing that I�m better off in life and I
can�t make things better for them?�

�� I think that if they�re really your friends, they�ll just
be happy that you�re alive and well,� Trowa pointed out.

�� They will be,� Duo murmured, �and that makes me feel
worse. I don�t know what to do anymore.�

�� Well, we could always escort you down there, but you have
to make a choice,� Trowa offered, �either, I can walk you to see your friends
and maybe they�ll be willing to look after you, or you can come home with me. Either
way, I�m not letting you walk around on your own. It�s not safe and none of us
will be sleeping tonight unless we know someone has your back. If you want to
go home, we can visit them whenever you feel ready to, but you have to choose.�

�� Duo nodded. How long had it been since he had last seen
Solo or Shi? A few months, at least, but he couldn�t go bothering them with his
problems, it wasn�t fair. Besides, Trowa had hit the nail on the head, he just wasn�t ready to go back there yet.

�� I miss you guys,� Duo admitted. The water Trowa had given
him had done wonders for his throat, but he still felt tired and hot and knew
he needed food, perhaps some cold medication.

�� I have nowhere else to go and� I want to go home,� the
words burned on his tongue like something wonderful. He realized he had never
used those words truthfully before.

�� Trowa smiled brightly at him.

�� Alright, let�s go home.�

End Part 2
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The Road to Kindness