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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1144 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters and I make no profit from this fanfic. Any resemblence to living or dead persons is coincidental.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Poisoned Memories

Story 1
Author�s Note: Hey, look, I actually need a disclaimer! Ok, so there are a few song-ficcie type moments in this chapter, but I kept hearing these songs and thinking about this story. There�s also Mistaken Identity by Delta Goodrem, but the moment for that one has already passed.
I do not own Sally�s Song, sung by Amy Lee, or Alex Theme from Silent Hill: Homecoming. And yes, there will be plenty of Silent Hill songs in this story. Why? Because you can�t get any darker or more psychologically complex than Silent Hill. I didn�t put all of Running or Alex in this chapter because I wanted to put in the lyrics that were relevant and the other half of Alex is in a different chapter. Trust me, it works. Anyone who knows the lyrics should know why.
　

Part 8
　

//I sense there�s something in the wind

That feels like tragedy�s at hand

And though I�d like to stand by him

Can�t shake this feeling that I have

The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?

And will he see how much he means to me?

I think it�s not to be
What will become of my dear friend?

Where will his actions lead us then?

Although I�d like to join the crowd

In their enthusiastic cloud

Try as I may, it doesn�t last
And will we ever end up together?
And will we ever end up together?

No, I think not.

It�s never to become

For I am not the one.//
　

Saturday morning, Shi was in a bad mood right from the moment that he woke up. He had slept better after talking with Vel and his dreams had been less unpleasant. It had almost seemed as if nature had been holding back her storm last night, just for him, because as soon as he was safely back in bed, it had gotten a lot worse, the wind ripping branches off of trees and the rain nearly flooding their driveway. The grass and flowers in their yard had dissolved into a giant puddle of mud. He knew that his parents would be spending their whole weekend cleaning up the mess. He had been hoping that the storm would continue all day Saturday, but when he woke up, bright light was shining through his window and even before he opened his eyes, he could hear distant birds singing.

Shi got out of bed with a frown and went to the bathroom down the hall. He could hear both his parents downstairs in the kitchen and could smell bacon cooking. He dug out a comb from the drawer in the bathroom and started to work on his long hair, which was a complete mess from last night, between running through the heavy storm and tossing and turning in his bed. He looked at his reflection in disdain. He might have slept better after he had seen Vel, but he still hadn�t gotten much sleep. His skin was too pale to hide the dark circles under his eyes and he felt far too old to acknowledge the pain in his stomach, a pain from fear and self-loathing.

Maybe he had the first couple of times his grandfather had raped him. He had told his mother how much it hurt and she had made him a milkshake. Such a little thing� but it had felt so good, had tasted better than it ever had. But it had been too long. He had been dealing with his grandfather for too many Saturdays, so he ignored it, pretended that the tightness and ache weren�t there. At this point, he was quite sure that the pain would never go away. They had been doing this for over a year, and in a way, very little had changed. He still felt the same way every time Saturday approached. He had gotten used to those feelings, but the fear and anxiety never lessened.

Shi finished with his hair and splashed water on his face. It didn�t help with how he looked, but it woke him up a little bit. When he had, finally, fallen asleep last night, it had been to the sound of thunder and he had hoped that the lightning would keep Cree away for the weekend. But hope didn�t seem to be enough anymore. He had been hoping for the past year for some peace and had never gotten it. Instead, he had done something that hardly ever did: he prayed. Shi didn�t exactly believe in all the God and prayer stuff. The only times he prayed were in church, and that was mostly because everyone else was doing it.

Maybe, when he had been much younger, he had believed, a little, but after all this time, God hadn�t done a thing to help him. If there really was a God, he had thought often, would it really be so hard for him to give his grandfather a stroke? Hell, he didn�t even have to die from it, just bad enough that Shi never had to see him again. But Vel seemed to believe. His best friend seemed pretty certain that there was a higher power, one that listened to your prayers and hopes and fears, and helped you chose the right path. So, he had prayed, hoping fixing a storm wasn�t such a big deal for something that was all powerful. The clear, blue sky seemed to mock him.

Shi walked back to his room and quickly got dressed. Just one day, he told himself. Just one day, then it will be Sunday and all the monsters of today will be gone. They would leave their taint around him, but after awhile, they would just be nightmares, things that could only hurt him when he slept. As Shi pulled his t-shirt over his head, he heard the sound of Eirie running out of his own room and down the steps. That sound reminded him why he had to go through this every week, why his stomach hurt so much and why he couldn�t sleep. It also reminded him of why it was so important to endure those things.

At least he could blame his bad mood on what had happened earlier this week. If he was quiet and restless, his parents would just assume he was thinking about that kid he had killed. Shi still didn�t know how he was going to handle school from now on. He was sure that all the kids would know what he had done. Maybe most of the them would be too scared to say or do anything to him, but not all of them. His school life was already miserable as it was. And what about the therapy stuff? He was supposed to go this Thursday and he still had no idea what he was going to say to Dr. Harris.

His parents were so sad lately, especially his mother who tried so hard to make everything ok. His father was more accepting and patient, but Shi could tell that he was worried. And it was all his fault. They had figured out that he was different, that the way he was acting meant that there was something really wrong with him and were expecting that he would spill his guts to his therapist. Sometimes, he could hear his mother walking around at night with insomnia and often heard her and his father talking in hushed tones in their bedroom. He couldn�t hear what they were saying, but he knew they were talking about him. When he realized what he was putting his parents through, he realized just how much they loved him and it made him want to tell Harris everything.

He wanted to tell her about the stomachaches, about the never ending fear, about the guilt and how twisted up he felt inside, but every time he thought about doing that, those things just felt stronger and stronger. It would be nice, he thought, to let an adult take care of these things, to tell them the truth and just let down his guard. He kind of felt like he was going insane. He was on edge all the time, even when his grandfather wasn�t here. He just wanted to give up, to scream at the top of his lungs that he was done, he was too tired to keep this up. But he always did and always would. He had bottled everything up for an entire year, he could handle it. As long as he had Vel, Eirie, and his parents, he could stay sane and quiet.

He wouldn�t tell Dr. Harris a single thing about his grandfather. He couldn�t tell her. He wanted his parents to stop worrying and he had promised that he would try to work things out, but that was one thing he could never talk about. He could tell her about the other kids making fun of him at school. He could tell her about how overprotective he felt towards his little brother. He could even probably tell her about his feelings for Vel, but he couldn�t tell her about the deal. She probably wouldn�t believe him and even if she did, either way, Cree would hurt Eirie. Telling someone wasn�t going to make it better, it would make everything worse. So why, when he thought about not telling Harris, did his stomach hurt even more? If it didn�t matter, why did it make him feel sadder? He didn�t want to disappoint his parents, but they couldn�t know. They could never know. Even if he had to lie to Dr. Harris.

�Shiiii!� Eirie screeched as he ran into the bedroom and wrapped his arms around Shi�s legs, almost knocking Shi to the ground, �Waffles! Waffles!�

Shi grinned down at the tiny redhead, feeling some of his anxiety dissipate. Sometimes it was hard to remember why that silence was so important. Against all the pain and dark thoughts, it was so hard to him to reason why he had to suffer like this. But other times, it wasn�t so hard at all. Shi grabbed his brother and swung him up in the air, tickling his sides a little. Eirie screeched again, this time with laughter.

�You little monster,� Shi teased, hugging his little brother tightly, �Let�s go get those waffles.�

Eirie nodded in agreement, letting his brother carry him down the steps. In a few years, Shi wouldn�t be able to do this. Sure, he would be even taller by then and would be able to carry him, no matter how much Eirie grew, but Eirie probably wouldn�t let him. Eventually, his little brother was going to grow up and would be too old to let his big brother treat him like a baby. It made Shi sad, but it also made him cherish moments like this where he could coddle the five year old. Sure enough, by the time they got downstairs, there was already a stack of waffles waiting for them on the table. His mother was eating her own and reading the newspaper as their father put more raw batter on the waffle iron.

Shi dropped his little brother into a chair and sat down next to him, giving Eirie half of the stack of waffles. It would be enough for him, but Shi would have at least three helpings before he got full. His dad would just say that it was a sign that his body was growing, but Shi didn�t believe that. He had always had a hearty appetite, even when he had been Eirie�s age. Even now, when it felt like his stomach was a hollow cavern inside of him, twisting and turning, he would still eat because the hunger got too much for him. His mother put the newspaper down and smiled at him, then quickly frowned as she took a good look at her oldest son.

�Are you ok?� she asked, standing up and putting her hand against his forehead, �You look a little pale, honey.�

As his mother took her hand away, not finding a temperature, Shi clenched his hands in his lap, but his expression didn�t change. He had gotten used to not letting any of his feelings show. His stomach churned and he felt that irritating little voice pick up again, taunting him with what would happen if he told the truth for once. Would it be a relief, to just let go? Or would it make things worse? Tell, tell, tell, it chanted at him. It made him feel sick inside, torn in two between the dual images of his mother forgiving him and his mother damning him. He gave her a tiny smile, the most that he could manage.

�I�m just a little bit tired. The storm kept me up last night,� he lied.

His mother got her smile back, but Shi felt little relief about it. He looked down at his plate, feeling disgusted at himself. He was chicken shit. It all came down to that, didn�t it? He was too much of a coward to tell his parents the truth. They could protect Eirie, if they believed him, but he was too scared of what they would say if they knew. He was too much of a coward to deal with his grandfather, too. He should kill Cree before he had the chance to hurt his brother, just like that boy with the lighter� No, no that was wrong! He felt horrible about what he had done, so why was he thinking things like that? Cree was his grandfather, not to mention scary as hell. Even if he could, he never would. Cree was bigger and stronger and his mother loved him. He could endure anything his grandfather did to him. He had to. Shi started to pour syrup on top of each waffle, like he and Eirie always did.

But he was tired. After a year of all of this lying and hiding, he was sick of doing it. He was sick of himself. He just wanted it all to stop. Wouldn�t that be wonderful? He just wanted it to stop, so he could breathe again. He hated who he had become in this last year. He hated lying to his mommy and daddy and he hated having this bitter-sweet feeling towards his brother. Shi started to cut into his waffles violently, imagining that it was his grandfather�s cock that he was shoving the dull blade in to, that the fluid gushing out from under the knife wasn�t syrup, but hot, thick blood. The image, and his concentration, was broken as he felt his father put his hand on his head, ruffling his hair a little, and put more waffles on to his plate.

�I know you probably don�t feel like dealing with your grandpa right now,� his father said.

His mother gave his father a look, not really stern, but slightly annoyed, but he knew that his father understood. His mother might love her dad, but Shi�s dad didn�t like Cree very much. He shook his hand and was polite, but didn�t interact with him more than that. If there was anyone who could understand, maybe� maybe it was his daddy?

�You�ve had a long week,� his father continued and his mother�s gaze softened, finally seeing his logic, �I promise he won�t be here for long this time. Your mom and I have been talking and we�ve decided that it would be best for all of us if we don�t go out tonight.�

Shi brightened at that. Was he getting a reprieve? Then, like his mood did so often nowadays, it darkened again. Had his parents� plans changed because of him? He didn�t want to responsible for ruining their day out together.

�You don�t have to change things for me,� he mumbled.

He prepared his waffles with syrup and butter, then cut them up. He tried to imagine that he was cutting into his grandfather�s creepy, orange-red eyes this time, but it was hard to hold on to his anger and disturbing glee at mutilating his grandfather�s flesh. He just felt kind of sad and let go of the fantasy. His father smiled at him, though, and it made a little bit of that sadness edge off.

�It isn�t like that,� his father promised, �We want to spend time with you today, not because you�ve done something bad and we want to keep an eye on you, but because you gave us a real scare. We were afraid that you were hurt, and you were. Not physically, but in a worse way. When something like that happens to a child, parents have a hard time dealing with it. We are having a hard time dealing with it. It isn�t your fault, Shi. We just feel that we should spend this weekend as a family. With your mom and I going out every Saturday and having to pull extra shifts lately, I know we haven�t been spending as much time with you boys as we used to,� Jonathan shared a look with Anjaleque, her nodding at him, �We�ve decided that we�re going to stay home for the next few Saturdays, and maybe we�ll only go out every other Saturday. We just want you to know that it isn�t because of what you did, it�s because we love you and what happened made us realize that nothing is more important to us than you and Eirie,� he sat down next to Shi, squeezing the tall boy�s hand, �Now, as you both know, our yard is a wreck from the storm.�

Eirie nodded in agreement. Shi wondered if Eirie had dared to run through the mud this morning. He wouldn�t put it past the little boy. Eirie, like many boys, and like Shi when he had been that age, liked mud and puddles and even the earthworms that crawled to the surface after a good rain. That was the only reason Shi could think of as to why Eirie had been awake before him, even on a Saturday. The redhead was in no way an early riser and his hair looked suspiciously damp, like he had had a bath, but it was too early in the morning for that.

�Well, it turns out that one of the trees in the backyard fell over last night,� Jonathan informed them.

Shi felt his heart race and looked alarmed by this. It had to have happened sometime after he had come back to the house last night and had fallen asleep, or he would have heard it. Their backyard ended right next to Vel�s family�s property. All of their trees were older than their house. If one of them had fallen� what if it had fallen on Vel�s house?! That was all he could think of, Vel sleeping in his room and a tree falling on the roof, crushing him to death.

�Where did it fall?!� he demanded.

�It didn�t go anywhere near Vel�s, Shi,� his father promised and Shi relaxed.

Of course it hadn�t. If it had, his parents would have told him before now, right? Was this what loving people made you feel like? His chest hurt and his heart was still pounding. He didn�t like this feeling at all, or the complete lack of sense.

�It wasn�t a big tree,� his father explained, �It just fell on the fence, but the fence and bits of the tree shattered. I have to go to the hardware store for wood and a chainsaw to remove the tree. It�ll be cheaper than paying someone to do it. I�m sure I can manage. Want to help?� he asked Shi with a small grin.

Shi nodded excitedly. He knew that there was no way his dad was going to let him use the chainsaw, but he liked helping him with stuff like that. It made him feel� well, connected to him or something, which was stupid since they were related by blood anyway, but helping his dad out with chores and yard work made him feel warm inside. Last summer, he had helped his dad put up a new fence around the backyard. The old one had rotted during a bad rainstorm, like the one last night, followed by several weeks of terrible humidity. The rot had made the wood splinter in a few places and his dad had been worried about Shi or Eirie hurting themselves on it. After much pleading, his father had taught him how to use the nail gun and Shi had learned, to his surprise, that he was actually really good at wielding the thing.

He had figured out how to use it the very first time he had watched his dad use it years back. He had always been good at stuff like that. Not learning by watching, but tools and stuff. When he had gotten his current game console five years ago, he hadn�t needed the help of his parents or a manual to get it working. He had just looked at it and figured it out himself. It had been the same with the nail gun. And no matter how many times he had used it, the nails always went in exactly where his dad wanted them to be. He had always been good at aiming and seeing things like that. It wasn�t a very useful skill, but it had felt good when his father had ruffled his hair and had told him what a great job he had done. It hadn�t been as fun painting the fence later on, that was more Eirie�s thing, but he was still too young for real paint. It was kind of sad that they had gone through all that work and they had to put up another fence.

�I don�t want you or Eirie near the fence unsupervised, ok?� Anjaleque urged.

She knew that Shi was a big boy. She had thrown a fit over the nail gun thing and had been shocked watching Shi help his father put the new fence together like a mini-adult, but she didn�t want him walking around back there and stepping on a nail or something. She was probably just being paranoid, she knew that, but she also knew that she would be worrying about her boys even when they were grown-ups. To her relief, both of her children nodded. All she needed was agreement from Shi. He was such a good boy, always respectful of them, and he would look after his brother.

�I�ll be gone for quite awhile,� Jonathan continued, �But your mother just has to get some soil and fresh flowers to fix the front yard. She should only be gone a couple of hours. We told your grandfather this, but he still insisted on coming while your mother and I are gone. He�ll leave as soon as she comes home.�

Shi seethed at that. Of course Cree insisted on coming over, so he could stake his claim or whatever. Couldn�t he give him some peace? Just one week when he didn�t have to look into those hateful eyes or listen to his equally hateful voice? He just wanted to be with his family. His real family. His mommy and his daddy and his little brother. He didn�t care what his grandfather said. He wasn�t his family. They might be related by blood, but he had learned in this past year that blood wasn�t thicker than water.

It wasn�t about who had given birth to whom. It was about love, how you felt for someone. Cree might be his mother�s father, but as far as Shi was concerned, he was a stranger. Maybe he had been conflicted about that. He had thought that he should love him, but after his father had protected him in the hospital and all the time they had spent together lately, he realized that there was a huge difference between a father and a daddy and he wondered if Cree had ever been a daddy to his mother. She deserved better than him. Loads better! He had never met his grandmother, but there was no way his mother had gotten any of her genes from her father! They were nothing alike. It was like comparing an angel to barbed wire.

�We�ll go out to dinner together tonight, ok, just the three of us,� his father said.

�Ok!� Shi said happily.

He suddenly felt overwhelmed, but in a good way for once. He felt like he was overflowing with something good and bright at his father�s words. It wasn�t about having dinner together, or helping his dad make a new fence. It wasn�t even about Cree�s visits lessening. He felt like, for the first time in a year, something good was happening. Little good things had happened, but it had just felt like with every day, things got a little bit darker. But now� there was something around him that he couldn�t quite describe. He could feel it, that something was changing, something was different and he wasn�t sure what it was, but he couldn�t care less. As long as it was there. There was very little that he wouldn�t give to have just one weekend to himself, with his family. He didn�t know what the best things was, that time away from his grandfather, or knowing how pissed Cree was going to be.

Shi dug into his breakfast, suddenly feeling his appetite returning to him. Two hours� it was enough for� that to happen, but that was ok. He could handle that. It was always the after part, dealing with his grandfather knowing what he had just done to him and pretending that everything was ok. That part always killed him, over and over. Just two hours, then his mom would be back and Cree would be gone� he could do this� so why did he have this weird feeling inside? This bitterness? Maybe it was because� he suddenly realized how good things should be. Maybe it was because, even with this warmth around him, he still felt alone. Isolated. He still felt like screaming.
*****
　

Things had been irritatingly normal and routine until Shi�s mother finally told his grandfather that they would only need him to baby sit every other weekend. He and Anjaleque had been laughing together, about something in the past, long before Shi had ever been born, as Shi looked on with a blank expression, just waiting, feeling like a mouse trapped in a hole as feline claws moved closer and closer to him. Then, his mother opened her mouth and informed his grandfather that she and his dad had decided to spend more time with their kids. Cree would only need to baby sit every other Saturday. She hoped that he didn�t mind. The room went icy cold. Shi was suddenly glad that Eirie was upstairs, watching cartoons, as his grandfather�s eyes went from affectionate and amused to hard as rocks and lost their warmth so quickly, it was as though it hadn�t been there at all. Or, Shi thought bitterly, it had been just an act. This was the grandfather that he knew, not the phony that laughed with his mother and played with his little brother. That cold, irritated look was the only real thing about the man.

�Don�t be ridiculous,� Cree scoffed.

Shi learned to hate the man all over again. That tone was one a parent would use with a five year old, and while his mom was Cree�s daughter, it sounded inappropriate even to Shi. It just felt disrespectful, like Cree thought his mom and dad were just babies and didn�t have the sense to make a decision on their own. His mother and father�s expressions hardened, too, but there seemed to be something else there, something that Shi sensed, but couldn�t name. It was almost as though his parents had been expecting this and were disappointed, not shocked, but angry, too.

�Go to dinner, Anna,� Cree ordered, �And don�t be foolish. There�s no reason to change things just because Shi made a mistake.�

Anjaleque bristled at her father�s words and even a stranger could tell how angry she was. How dare he do this to her! She didn�t know what offended her more, him using a nickname that only her husband used, him ordering her around like she was still a teenager, completely disregarding her adulthood and authority in front of her son, or the blatantly obvious way he was shoving all the blame on Shi while trying to make it seem like Cree was the good guy here. Why was he so upset about this anyway? Sure, her father loved his grandchildren, but didn�t he get why they had made this decision? She folded her arms over her chest and glared at her father. All at once, the reasons why she had refused to talk to her father in nine whole years came back to her.

�God, you haven�t changed at all, have you?!� Anjaleque snapped at her father, �You still think I�m a little girl, that I can�t do things for myself! I�m an adult, with a family of my own, not a child!�

�Anna�� Cree said in warning.

�Don�t call me that!� she demanded.

Shi felt like punching the air. He knew that he shouldn�t be happy that his grandfather and mother were fighting, but seeing his mother so angry at Cree almost made him smile.

�Why do you think I left home?!� Anjaleque pointed out, �Maybe a part of it was Odin�s illness, but it was mostly because of you and your constant orders! It�s no wonder why Odin got worse instead of better!�

�Don�t you dare!� Cree yelled.

Both Shi and Anjaleque flinched at his infuriated tone. Shi worried that his grandfather might strike her and breathed in relief when his father stepped forward, threatening Cree with his presence. Cree was bigger and more imposing than him, but didn�t make a move.

�You isolated him,� Anjaleque accused, �He did everything you ever asked, followed every order, until there was nothing of him left! He couldn�t reach out to anyone but me. I don�t think Mom left because of Odin, like you say. But I was willing to give you a chance. You�ve been good with Shi and Eirie and they need their grandfather. I thought you had changed, but if you think you can bully me like you did before, you�re delusional!�

Cree was silent and still as his daughter ranted at him. Shi wished that he could read the man�s thoughts, to know if he was about to attack his mother or not. A part of him wished that he would, so his parents would never let him back, and another wished he was bigger, like his dad was, so he could protect her. Suddenly, Cree�s fisted hands went lax and he lost the hard look in his eyes, smiling lightly at his daughter, but Shi could tell that he was forcing himself to stay calm. That smile was as fake as the curve of the lips on a dog or crocodile. He narrowed his eyes at his grandfather, but no one was paying attention to him. He hated him so much! He wanted to scream at his mother that his grandfather was just faking it, that he was a great, big phony. He wanted to tell her and his father about the kind of man that Cree really was.

�I�m sorry, Anjaleque,� Cree apologized, rubbing the back of his head, �You�re absolutely right. You aren�t a child anymore and I don�t have the right to give you orders, or to expect you to obey them. I�ve tried to become a better man, for your sake and my grandchildren�s, but it�s hard for me. You may be a grown woman, but you�ll always be a little girl in my eyes. But� you�re all I have left. Maybe you�re right about Odin. I know I didn�t handle his illness well, I just felt alone and tried to do things by myself. Being with Shi and Eirie has made me realize how much I�ve screwed up with you kids, and how old I�m getting. Spending my Saturdays here makes me feel like I�m making amends for the past, but I have no right to force myself on you or disagree with your decisions about your family.�

Shi grit his teeth in anger. He felt like he was going to explode. Cree was lying through his teeth. Shi knew that the black haired man didn�t believe a single word that was coming out of his mouth. What really hurt was that no one else saw it, even his father! He didn�t know if being able to lie like that was a talent or a sign of how deranged Cree was. Anjaleque shook her head.

�No, Dad, I�m sorry,� she apologized quickly, �I shouldn�t have� exploded at you. It�s just� things have been really hard lately. I shouldn�t have taken that out on you.�

She placed her hand on top of Shi�s head, smiling down at him. Shi couldn�t find the strength to smile back. The only reason why they were having a hard time was because of him. He could see it in his grandfather�s eyes, that smugness. He had won again and not only that, he obviously thought that Shi�s actions in killing that kid gave Cree some kind of power over him. Maybe it did. He didn�t like how that thought made him feel at all. He felt unsure of himself. How would Cree react to it once his parents were gone? Cree wasn�t kind like his mom and dad were. He may say that he loved him and Eirie, but Shi didn�t believe him. Maybe he had once, awhile back, because he had needed to believe it. He had needed to believe that the man that had hurt him, more than anyone else in the world had ever hurt him, wasn�t the boogieman, wasn�t evil.

The people who loved you could hurt you, more than anyone else, because you loved them so much. Hadn�t Harris said that? Her brother had hurt her, but he had still loved her. He had wanted to believe that Cree loved him like he said he did, because it made everything hurt less. Maybe, if he was alone and isolated, he could continue to believe that Cree loved him. But how could he? He had his best friend, his mother, his father, and his brother. All these people loved him, but they had never hurt him like Cree had. Surrounded by the people who really loved him, how could he possibly believe that his grandfather truly loved him? People who loved you didn�t do things like this to you. What Harris� brother had done� he hadn�t meant to hurt her like that. What Cree was doing was different. How could any adult do something like that to another human being, not realizing that what they were doing was wrong?

Hadn�t Harris said that what mattered was realizing that you were doing something bad and feeling guilt about it? His grandfather didn�t feel guilty about anything. He didn�t feel guilty about hurting his mother. He didn�t feel guilty about threatening Eirie. He certainly didn�t feel guilty about raping him. How could he possibly believe that� that such a person loved him, simply because they said they did? Words were cheap. He wasn�t a child anymore and he couldn�t believe that just because an adult said something, that meant it was true. Adult lied, just like children lied. They thought they were better and wiser, just because they were older, but they were just as stupid as kids were. It hit him then, filling him with a solid revulsion that Shi was sure had turned him white and bloodless. Adults lied� Cree lied� what else was Cree lying about?

Would he rape Eirie, even if Shi didn�t step out of line? Would this never end? Was everything� was everything he sacrificed worthless? Was his sanity worthless? His life? For the first time, he truly realized that there wouldn�t be an end to this �deal�. He had thought about it, but in the back of his mind, there had always been this thread of denial. Wasn�t that the reason why he had told Vel that he loved him? Wasn�t that the reason why he had killed that boy? All because he believed that he could protect his brother, that one day, he would look back at this, like it was just a nightmare, and at that point, everything would be fine. Everything would be perfect. Now� he wondered if he would ever be able to look back. He wondered how long this would go in, if it would truly end. He knew now, without any doubt, that Cree wouldn�t put a stop to this.

Above all else, he wondered why. He had wondered it before, but those questions had been in the back of his mind, tainted by the fear of knowing the answer to that question. Seeing that fake smile on his grandfather�s face and actually seeing who he was and what he was doing to him for the first time, Shi finally wanted to know the answer to that question. Why was Cree doing this? What was the point? Was it to punish Shi�s mother for running away from home? But that made no sense to him. His mom was never going to find out, so she would never be hurt by it. Maybe it just made Cree feel smug and superior. But that just seemed too� simple. He didn�t want it to be that simple, to be the victim of an arrogant� smug� asshole. But maybe it was even simpler than that. Maybe his grandfather was just� bad. Maybe it was more complicated. Maybe Cree liked to hurt people. Maybe he liked little boys and Shi was just an easy target, but Shi really didn�t think that was the case.

�You two should go,� Cree said, putting his hand on his daughter�s arm, �If I have the time, I�ll help you around the yard,� he nodded to Jonathan.

Jonathan nodded back to him.

�Thanks, Cree,� he said, but his tone was flat and insincere.

Cree didn�t seem to notice his son in law�s hesitance in having his help and Shi really wish that he had taken the hint. He glared bitterly up at the black haired giant. This was his and his father�s project, not Cree�s. His grandfather had no right to intrude on it. Shi just wanted him to leave the second that his mother came back from the store. Jonathan was thinking the exact same thing as his son. He knew that Anna wanted him to get along with her father, but he still hated the man. Things had been fine at first. Anjaleque had been in tears of happiness when her father had shown up. Eirie, even now a year later, was too young to really get what was going on. All he knew was that his granddaddy brought him toys when he visited and nothing had changed, so there was no reason for him not to like his grandfather. Maybe he would, when he was older and understood what Cree had done to his mother, like Shi could.

Shi� the way his first child acted around his grandfather was complicated and, at times, strange. When Cree had first visited, Shi had been reluctant, but had tried to warm up to the man. By the time he and Anna had left for dinner, Shi had seemed more curious than hesitant towards Cree. Now, the tall blonde almost� well, he almost seemed to resent his grandfather�s mere presence. Jonathan often wondered if he should bring the subject up with Anna. He wondered if she even realized the patterns that he had, like how sick and anxious Shi got on Friday nights and Saturday mornings. He didn�t think it actually had anything to do with Cree, but it was strange. Shi acted so cold towards the man and seemed to pull away emotionally whenever they talked about Anna�s father.

Maybe Shi understood, more than they thought he did, the real reasons why his grandfather had stayed away for so long. Maybe he resented his grandfather for it as much as his mother did, for himself and for her. Shi was so often like that. He was far too mature for his age and strongly empathetic, especially when it came to his family. Even before Eirie had been born, Shi had been hugely protective. He hadn�t always understood why Anna and himself had been upset by things, but he picked up on their feelings easily. Too easily. Most children would ignore it, convinced that their parents would take care of anything wrong. When they got older, they realized that their parents weren�t infallible, but Shi had always gotten just as upset as they had been.

Jonathan and Anjaleque had both heard compliments from adults about how lucky they were to have a boy like Shi, so mature, so obedient, so different from the other hyper, rowdy boys his age. And it was nice� sometimes. They could trust him with important things, like the power tools and taking care of Eirie. It was easy explaining things to Shi, because he thought more like an adult sometimes than a child. But� many times, especially lately, Jonathan had started to think that it might be easier if Shi was more like those other boys. He could be wild and hyper, but there was always a part of him that was subdued, like he had a handle on his behavior. He got sad sometimes, in a way that no ten year old should, and thought about troubling things. It was as though, day by day, Shi�s childhood was slipping away from him. It was hard dealing with that. Maybe that was a selfish thing to think, but sometimes it hurt, seeing Shi so responsible and quiet, knowing that a boy his age shouldn�t act like that.

Maybe that was what the problem was. Maybe Shi was just growing up too fast and he had realized it. Maybe he was starting to realize what the real world was like, far before his time, and was acting out because of it. But, if that really was the reason, then why hide it from them? Why did Shi act like he had this huge secret that he couldn�t possibly talk about? If it was as simple as that, why not tell them when he was in hospital? No� he didn�t think that the reason behind Shi�s recent behavior was so simplistic. As he and Anjaleque left their house, they didn�t notice the depressed, hopeless look on Shi�s face the second that their backs had turned. If they had, they would have been alarmed at how close to tears he seemed, and puzzled as to why they wouldn�t fall. They also didn�t see the pleasant façade slip from Cree�s face, replaced by something hard and calculating, like a porcelain mask, held only by delicate ribbons that were too fragile for the weight of the mask, falling from the face of a doll and breaking.

The door closed behind his parents and Shi felt his heart sink somewhere deep into his stomach. It was like all those other times. He felt colder, and tight all over. There was a childish part of himself that made him look at the door in desperation, pleading for his parents to walk back through, to save him. But the part of him that understood how things were now, understood that things weren�t like on TV or how they told you in school, knew what was going to happen and that his parents weren�t going to stop it. They weren�t even going to know� He felt his grandfather grip his shoulder harshly, not even caring about how strong he was. No� Cree wasn�t even trying to pretend that he wasn�t doing this out of spite this time around. Sometimes he was nice, almost gentle, and in those times, Shi wondered if the man actually did care for him. Other times, Shi knew he wanted to hurt him. He liked those times. He liked knowing who his grandfather was and knowing where they stood.

It was strange. When Cree had first raped him, he had thought that that was the worst of it. That feeling him inside of him, that pain and humiliation, would be the thing that he would dread the most. But that wasn�t it. Yeah, it hurt and he felt like throwing up, but it was also ok, because he knew it was bad, he knew it was wrong, and he could understand it. It was the part after, when everything that was over, that was so much worse. Everything became silent, even his own thoughts. Sometimes� even his heartbeat, which had been racing only minutes before. Maybe some people would call it the calm after the storm, the settling of the wind and harsh forces, but it wasn�t that, not really. It had never been like that.

When he felt Cree leave, when he heard him zip up his pants and the sound of his empty footfalls walking away, he had never felt like things were settling. It was more like the eye of the storm. Everything was so quiet and still, but he could feel the rawness around him, the violence, and all he could do was wait for the storm to come again. It was that anticipation and anxiety that made him feel sick to his stomach. Because he knew that there was nothing he could to escape it and the next wave was inevitable, but there was still some tiny part of him that hoped that he was wrong. Even if he never was. Afterwards was painful because, on the surface, it seemed like things were back to normal. There was that quietness, and Cree was gone. It was just him and his family, which was as close to normal as things could be, but he wasn�t an idiot. He knew that he couldn�t mistake stillness for peace.

He hated afterwards because it felt so wrong. Cree left, but he didn�t, not really. Things never quite went back to normal, which made the routines of his life, going to school, saying goodnight to his parents, all seem so wrong. He wondered which was worse, those deadly quiet moments right after Cree left his home, or moments like now, right before the rape. The waiting. The knowing. It was more anxiety. The familiar walls of his house seemed to turn dark and uninviting and there was this hole in his stomach that wanted to swallow him alive. He had waved his parents goodbye with a fake smile on his face and he knew that having to pretend that everything was fine was the worst part, either before or after.

Cree shoved him forward. Neither one of them said a word to the other. Shi knew where Cree wanted him to go and stumbled towards the kitchen, just thankful that his brother was still upstairs. He never could deal with Eirie�s questions in moments like this. Sometimes Cree would answer for him, which was fine, even if his grandfather talking to his brother made his hair stand on end and anger fill his stomach, making him feel ill. It was better than trying to grab at some kind of excuse, some illusive strength when he just felt like crying. He walked quickly to the door in the kitchen that led outside, not wanting to get shoved again. He felt relieved when Cree followed him out, closing the door behind him. Eirie was still too short to reach the door handle, so he was stuck inside.

Just like his dad had said, the backyard was a wreck. Like the front, the once grassy ground had turned into a soupy mixture, hard to walk in with Shi�s bare feet. Because of his height, his feet sunk into the mud frequently, but he continued to trudge toward the shed. The white, wooden gate that led to the field behind their house was still intact, but feet away from it was the tree that had crushed the fence. There were large shards of wood everywhere, both from the fence and the tree. It made the area look chaotic and Shi made sure to steer clear from the wood as he walked and opened the heavy, ancient door of the shed with a loud creak. He felt Cree follow after him, not saying anything about the state of their yard. Shi doubted that Cree cared.

He hated the shed. According to his dad, it had been here before they moved and looked like it was older than the house, but that could just be because the previous owners hadn�t taken care of it. At some point, it had been painted a boring gray color, but age had peeled the paint off in strips, leaving only a few bits of faded gray here and there. All three windows were filthy and one of them was cracked. There was so much grime and dust on them that though the sun was shining brightly, only the barest amount lit the inside of the shed. There was a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, of course, but Shi didn�t turn it on. He didn�t want there to be a lot of light in here. Too many weird shadows.

Besides, he doubted that it worked anyway. His dad didn�t come out here often and had given up taken care of the shed awhile back. They just used to it for storage and there wasn�t much in it. Some wood, an old lawnmower, stuff for fishing when summer came again, and plastic buckets for when his dad had to clean leaves and gunk out of the gutters. It smelled, too. Like old things and dust. The floor creaked heavily as he walked, kind of like the sound your neck made when you cracked it.

�Take your pants off,� Cree barked at him as he closed the door behind him with a creaking slam.

As Shi unbuttoned his jeans and pulled the zipper down, he was suddenly hit with the ridiculousness of all this. What sort of person liked this kind of thing? If he had been in his grandfather�s place and after nine long years, his daughter had finally allowed him back into her life, he would bend over backwards to make sure he never hurt her again. Instead, he had done this. And why? That part killed him. There had to be a reason. After everything he had suffered, all the pain and the silence and the secrets, there had to be a reason. Something important, something that made sense. There had to be a point to this. He couldn�t believe that his grandfather could enjoy doing this, could enjoy inflicting pain, without gaining something from it.

He worked his jeans and underwear down his legs and threw them into a corner, not caring where they landed or if they got dirty. He got on his knees on the dusty, wood floor, just barely worrying about splinters and rusty nails. He folded his arms in front of him on the floor and buried his face in them. For some reason, closing his eyes when this happened made it just a tiny bit more bearable, but he had no idea why that was. He heard the loud sound of a zipper being pulled down and the boards creaked again behind him from a heavy weight. Though his arms over his eyes blinded him, he squeezed them tightly closed anyway. He let the buzzing in his head slowly turn to thoughts of after. Usually, that was little to no comfort to him, thinking about what he would do when the sex part was all over, but right now, he clung to it desperately.

He wondered if he could really go out to dinner with his parents tonight, look them in the eye, after this. It shouldn�t be too hard. He did it all the time. Sure, he usually had an hour or two between before he had to do that, but it didn�t really make much of a difference. He wondered if his mother would come home early. He wondered if Cree would make this quick or slow this time. He wondered if his mom would find them out here. The thought made him shiver a little. He tried to imagine her yelling at him about it, maybe she would hit him or just shake her head and be silent. That would be the worst. But, for some reason, even after a year of being sure that his parents would look down at him for all of this, he couldn�t imagine her kind face turning into something cruel, something� something like Cree.

Shi opened his eyes again and lifted his head up slightly. He felt one of Cree�s large hands touch his bare back and he flinched. He shied away from the hand and tucked his legs under his body, sitting upright. He heard his grandfather�s irritated growl, but didn�t care. Suddenly, though he couldn�t understand why at this very moment, he felt like there was something inside of him that was cracking and breaking away. He didn�t know what to think anymore. His mother loved him, his father, too. If they didn�t, they wouldn�t have tried to protect him at the hospital. If they had protected him then, then why he did he believe, with such conviction, that they wouldn�t protect him from Cree? He didn�t think that poorly of them. They weren�t bad parents, not at all, so why this feeling deep inside that they would hate him if he told?

Cree was his mother�s father, but she had gotten so mad at him today, so easily. Didn�t that mean something? But, if he told, Cree would just hurt Eirie, so why did it matter? And besides, he had consented to this, right? So he was just as much to blame as Cree, wasn�t he? If killing that kid had taught Shi anything it was that he was capable of doing the most horrible things to protect the people he loved. If he told, it would just hurt everyone. It wouldn�t help anything. There was something deep in his heart that told him that. But instead of instilling conviction and purpose in him like it had in the past, it just filled him with rage. He didn�t want to do this anymore. He didn�t want to be responsible or mature. He didn�t want to keep lying to his parents. He didn�t want to be so miserable and bitter and angry all the time. But he couldn�t feel any other way. And the fact that telling his parents about all this crap wouldn�t even make it better was beyond frustrating.

//It started long before me

I never saw it coming//
�Why?� Shi murmured out loud.

//The distance, the promise

A state of isolation//
He couldn�t even blame Cree because he couldn�t understand why. Why had this happened? Sometimes, that day was so clear in his mind, everything that had happened, everything Cree had said. But sometimes, it was hard to remember, too. Had there been something he should have said or done to change things? Could he have stopped this?
//And in my darkest nightmare

Things that I can�t remember//
He didn�t know what would be worse, knowing that he could have changed things, or the knowledge that nothing mattered, that he was useless. Shi looked back over his shoulder at Cree, who was still kneeling behind him, looking more cold and lifeless than angry. No� not lifeless. Even when his grandfather was silent, he exuded this raw power, like a grizzly bear or a dark closet to a little kid.

//The answer is drowning, this pain will last forever//
�Why are you doing this to me?� he begged, his voice tight and near choking.

To his shock and anger, Cree laughed and sat on the floor, looking amused by Shi�s question. Shi turned to face him and he was quite sure that his grandfather could see his anger, but his reaction to Cree�s laughter only seemed to amuse the black haired man further, which in turn pissed Shi off even more. A vicious cycle, like two dogs circling each other, every now and then taking bites at each other and drawing blood, which only made them more aggressive towards each other. Cree reached out and trailed his knuckles over Shi�s cheek, making him flinch, then cupped his cheek with that same hand.

�You�re just like her,� Cree murmured, stroking his grandson�s cheek lightly with his thumb, �Your mom. The two of you are exactly the same. You might look like that bastard father of yours, but the rest is all hers.�

Shi could swear that Cree sounded proud of that. Just a little while ago, he could also have sworn that his grandfather was about to hit his mother, so how he could sound like that confused the hell out of him. Cree confused the hell out of him. He always had, from the second that Shi had come home from school to find the strange man talking to his mom in his kitchen. Maybe he could be sure that pride was what he was hearing, if he wasn�t bristling from his grandfather�s obvious hatred for his dad. The man�s thumb stroking his cheek was strange. It was an affectionate gesture, but that was a lie. It wasn�t kind. Cree�s hand was cold and rough. It felt more like Cree was threatening him, or like he thought he was a doll.

�It took you over a year just to ask me that,� his grandfather chuckled again, his voice nearly mocking, �Such an important question, and it took you this long. Just like her. Anna never could stand up for herself. She would rather be in pain than cause waves, so unlike her big sister. I didn�t order Anna to take care of Odin because she was there, I ordered her to do it because I knew she would never say no.�

Shi looked up at him in confusion. He had no idea what his grandfather was talking about, at the same time that his confession about manipulating his own daughter infuriated him. He wanted to cold cock the son of a bitch, but knew he never would. He was too much of a coward to do it, even if he would love to see Cree in pain. He had too much to lose. Cree would probably hit him back, which would leave a bruise, which his mother would ask questions about. Or worse. He would take it out on Eirie. Shi felt like a dog on a leash. He couldn�t do a thing to Cree, he couldn�t even be his self, as long as the red-orange eyed man was holding his brother�s health over his head.

Cree was wrong. His mother wasn�t a coward like he was. She wasn�t afraid to stand up for what she believed in. She stood up for him and Eirie all the time, if she stayed quiet about something, she had to have a good reason for it, he was sure of that. And even if she had been too scared to stand up for herself, Shi was sure that it was all Cree�s fault. He couldn�t blame his mother for being scared of the same man that terrified him. He didn�t know much about his mother�s family history. He knew more about the fight that had caused his mother to not talk to her family for nine years than about who his grandfather really was, which was saying a lot since he knew almost nothing about what the fight had really been about.

He knew that the fight had been all of his grandfather�s fault. He knew that because the last time his mother had talked to him on the phone before Cree had shown up at his house, she had ended the call in tears and screaming. In Shi�s experience, the only person that could get his mother yelling like that without Shi or Eirie being involved was his grandfather. He hadn�t understood back then, three years ago, watching his mother burst into tears in the kitchen, why she had been so upset, but he knew now. He knew that his grandfather had done something, something that had involved his mother�s older brother, Odin, something that had made his mother hate her father to the extent that she refused to let him back into her life unless he had changed in some way.

The question was� had Cree changed? Was the man that had forced him to chose between himself and his brother the same man that had pushed his mother away for whatever reason all those years ago? Had he gotten worse, better, or was he exactly the same? Obviously, Cree had changed, if he could fool his mother into thinking that he had. The man had learned how to lie, not how to be a good father. His grandfather�s dry laugh was grating to his ears.

�She never told you, did she?� Cree asked, with a smugness that made Shi struggle with the frighteningly powerful urge to punch the man, �I can�t say I�m surprised. She always was ashamed of it.�

This time, Shi couldn�t stop the glare in his anger. His mother had absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. He didn�t care about what had happened back then, his mother was kind and wonderful. No matter what had happened, there was no reason for her to feel that way. If she did, he knew that it was his grandfather that had made her feel that shame. Cree wasn�t like his own father, who was trying so hard to make Shi feel better after what he had done, and he was sure that his mother wasn�t even half as guilty as he was. Cree gave his grandson a hardened look at his red-eyed glare and Shi thought he might strike him, then the man smirked at him again, even more amused than before.

�Yeah,� Cree remarked, �She used to look at me like that, too. Who knew that such a thing like a glare was genetic? It�s rather fascinating, actually. Your little brother may look exactly like her, but you are her. She hated me, too. I could see that, as clear as day. She hated me so much, but she did everything I told her without question, just like you, even though it made her miserable. Ursula got married and left home when Anna was just a child. Their mother left right after Odin got sick. She couldn�t handle her responsibilities. To me, or to her son,� he said with angry bitterness.

That made a few things clearer for Shi. His mother never really enjoyed Aunt Ursula�s visits. They talked about their childhood and their current lives, as well as mundane things that kids had no real interest in like the weather and their circle of friends, but his mother seemed so reserved during those conversations. She always looked happier when her older sister left and now Shi knew why. His aunt had left his mom alone, to have a family on her own, which was ok, he guessed, but he bet that Ursula hadn�t done much to support his mother when she was still living with their father. It made him wonder about his family.

His aunt reminded Shi a lot of his grandfather. She was tall and pale and her knee-length hair was as pitch black as his. Her eyes were a dark brown, not red-orange, but she was cold and could be condescending, but not outright offensive, which made it impossible to protest her behavior, just like Cree. The way the two of them would talk to you, you could tell they were being cruel and nasty, but you couldn�t quite put your finger on it, and if you did call them on it, they would just say that you were over-reacting. He wondered if his uncle had been like that, or if he and his mother had anything in common with his grandmother. This was actually the first time he had heard anyone talk about her in years.

Every now and then, on his birthday and Christmas mostly, Shi and Eirie would get cards from their grandmother with money, or large packages filled with gifts, so Shi knew that she was alive and probably still cared about his mom, or she just felt guilty. But didn�t that meant that she cared, too? Still, his mom didn�t talk about her much, only that she loved them and couldn�t be with them. Now that Shi had met his grandfather, he wondered if it was because of her husband or because she just couldn�t face her daughter. He wanted to be angry at her for just leaving his mom alone with her dad, but he knew so little about his grandmother and what had happened, why she had left, that it was hard to find any kind of feeling about it.

It was the same with his Uncle Odin. Before he had met Cree, he hadn�t even known that he had had an uncle. Cree had said that Shi reminded him of Odin, but what did that even mean? He also knew that Odin was dead, but not why or how. When he had asked, his grandfather had just said that it was ancient history. Why was everyone being so secretive about it? Cree had said that he had ordered his mother to take care of her brother, but if he had been so sick that he had died from it, why would any parent trust something like that to their kid? But, if his mother did feel guilty about letting her brother down, he could certainly understand it. Every day since he had made this deal with his grandfather, he felt like he was letting Eirie down. He could never do enough to make sure that his little brother was safe, he was helpless. All he could do was trust that his grandfather would keep his word, and considering how cruel the man could be when he was angry, he couldn�t trust him to even do that much. If Eirie had gotten sick and his parents had entrusted Shi to care for him, and Eirie had died� Shi wouldn�t have forgiven himself.

�How� how did he get sick?� Shi asked tentatively.

He hated trying to have any kind of conversation with his grandfather. It was like trying to pet a stray dog. You never quite knew if it was going to wag it�s tail, bark, or try to bite you. Cree didn�t hit him all that much, and if he did, it was never anywhere that his parents would notice, mostly his stomach, but he would grab him hard enough to bruise, twist his arms until his muscles were painfully strained, or pull his hair. Little things that hurt and angered him, but he could never protest against.

To Shi�s complete shock, Cree�s expression to his question wasn�t anger for having been interrupted, or even subtle cruelty towards his dead son, it was a deep, aching sadness. The man looked devastated. He looked like� like a father who had lost a son, not a monster reveling in someone�s pain. For the first time since he had shown his true colors, Cree looked human. For the first time, Shi felt bad for him. It was the worst feeling, even worse than his rage at Cree�s deal with him. He didn�t want to feel sorry for him. He didn�t want to see his grandfather as just that, his grandfather. A real person and not the symbol for everything that was wrong with his messed up life. If Cree was sad that his son was dead, Shi didn�t want to know about it. It wasn�t fair. He was supposed to hate him, and now there was this strange splinter in his heart.

�He was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was fifteen,� Cree murmured with a far off look and Shi knew that he was remembering something painful.

His uncle had gone crazy? He had been thinking that it must have been cancer or something, not insanity. But then how had Odin died? And was it genetic? He didn�t know all that much about schizophrenia. He didn�t even know how to spell it. He knew that it was just as awful as cancer and just as incurable, but the idea that insanity could be genetic was powerful to him. And was it really that hard to believe? He had just had a psychotic break and his uncle had been sick, too. Were those things related? And then there was his grandfather� before now, he would have definitely believed that it was all connected.

There were sociopaths, right? People who were logical and could interact with everyone else, like everyone else, but deep down inside, there was still something wrong with them. They were cold and numb, but could also be violent. And they were manipulative, able to twist another person�s emotions, even though they didn�t feel them themselves. Until now, he would have said that that described his bastard of a grandfather perfectly. But, a real sociopath couldn�t look like that, could they? He supposed that anyone could fake looking sad, if they knew what it looked like, but that wasn�t what this was. Cree had absolutely no reason to look like that. That look wasn�t part of the strange game that they played together, the constant pulling and pushing, Cree doing something to humiliate or anger Shi and Shi holding everything in, pretending to be nothing more than an inanimate object in his grandfather�s line of vision, because fighting back wasn�t just dangerous, it was pointless.

Knowing that his grandfather could feel such a deep and unquestioning thing like love wasn�t even a slight comfort to Shi. If Cree didn�t feel anything, if he just liked to manipulate and cause pain, then his reasons would be obvious and Shi could understand his actions. As horrible as they were, they would make sense. Seeing him look like that, it just made the question of why drill deeper into Shi�s brain. Now that that question was out there, floating about in the air, he needed to know the answer more than ever.

�That�s when people hear and see things that aren�t there, right?� Shi asked cautiously.

Cree nodded absently, as though he wasn�t really paying attention.

�He became convinced that everyone was trying to hurt him, his friends, his teachers, our neighbors� me�� his tone was hesitant and rough.

Shi narrowed his eyes at the man. He wondered how much of that was even due to his uncle�s illness, or if Odin had realized that his dad wasn�t the guy that he claimed to be. Had Cree hurt his own kid? Or had it all been in his head? Maybe Cree had only become a bastard after Odin had died. He supposed that that was possible, but it seemed like a huge coincidence to him that his uncle had gone crazy and had accused his own father of trying to hurt him, when all Cree had done to him since he had met was made him hurt.

�He got into fights at school all the time,� his grandfather continued, �We thought he was just� being himself. When he said that he was just trying to protect himself from his classmates, we thought he was lying to cover up his own faults.�

With that single statement, Shi felt an affinity and connection with a man that he had never met, a man who had been dead for many years now. He had punched that kid out over a picture that Eirie that had drawn. He felt angry all the time and he knew, without even an ounce of doubt that if he didn�t have Vel in his life, a best friend who kept him sane, calm, and out of his messed up head, that kid wouldn�t have been the only person he had punched in the face. He didn�t think that everyone was out to get him. As long as his classmates left him alone, they were just moving lumps to him. He didn�t even care if they existed or not. But all that was because of Cree, not because he was sick, right? Or maybe he was. How the hell could you tell something like that?

Just how much of how he was feeling and acting lately was similar to how his uncle had felt back then? How much of it was Cree�s fault or something else? How close to being legitimately crazy was he? The thing was, he was paranoid. He didn�t believe that the people in his life would hurt him like his uncle had, but he was terrified of someone hurting his brother. It consumed his thoughts almost every minute that he wasn�t hanging out with Vel. He didn�t see or hear things that weren�t there, but he had blacked out and had done something terrible. How close to that was schizophrenia? How alike were him and his late uncle?

�When he beat up three kids in his gym class, the school forced him to see a therapist,� Cree said bitterly, as though he found the idea of someone forcing his son to get help offensive, �It only took one session for them to diagnose him. They loaded him up with pills, which just made him quiet and depressed. Three months later, we had to take him out of school permanently. He had stabbed one of his teachers in the neck with a pencil when she touched his arm and the principal refused to let Odin come back. His mother started to home school him, but she left only a few weeks after that. Anjaleque was good for him, though. He would help her with her homework, but when he got sicker, she had to take care of him more than him her. He wouldn�t take his medicine unless she was the one giving it to him. No one could figure out why he trusted her instead of his doctors or the rest of his family. He wouldn�t even leave his room. But perhaps that was for the best. After awhile, he just got violent��

�Why didn�t you just take him to the hospital?� Shi accused, angry that his grandfather had put such a serious responsibility on his mother�s shoulders, it was no wonder why she had hated Cree for so long, �You were their Dad!�
　

//My father

His duty

His orders//
　

�He was sick and Mom was just a kid. They needed you! They needed their dad to help out and keep the family together, and you just forced Mom to be the adult! You turned your back on them!� Shi snapped at him, �Did you think about Mom at all? Did you love her, even a little bit? Or was she just convenient so you didn�t have to deal with it?! It�s no wonder why she didn�t want anything to do with you for nine years, you treated her more like a live in nurse than your daughter! You didn�t deserve her!�

It was stupid. Really, really stupid. It was foolish enough insulting his grandfather back when he had thought the man was a cold, heartless bastard, but now that he knew that Cree had feelings just like everyone else, even if they were messed up, it made things a thousand times worse. If Cree could get sad, then he could get pissed, too. He realized those things in the back of his mind, but didn�t care at the moment. All he could think of was how Cree had screwed their family up and how little the man realized it, or maybe he just didn�t care. His grandfather hadn�t just isolated his mother and forced her into a dangerous and taxing situation, he had also neglected his son, too. He hadn�t even tried to get him help or try to understand Odin�s problems. Cree was so damn pompous about everything, but he was an idiot if he thought that he had ever been a good father!

His rage was boiling over, filling him in a way that never had before, like a living organism inside of his gut. It clouded his caution over with a deep hate, making him feel sick and vindictive. Vaguely, it reminded him of the anger he had felt when he had seen that kid try to set Eirie�s hair on fire. That feeling that he needed to act, to protect something he loved, and the immense lack of justice strangled his heart. There was a part of him that wanted to beat down his grandfather like he had that kid, even though he was scared of going into that mindless, enraged state again. He still felt paralyzed with fear, even though he couldn�t control the words that came screaming out of him. Cree backhanded him across his face, splitting Shi�s lip.
//My brother�

The promise�

The breaking�//
The rare times that Cree struck him, he did it with a great deal of control, to inflect a very specific kind of punishment, just pain instead of real injury. This time was completely different. This blow was from fury, with absolutely no control. Cree hit him as hard as he could, sending sparks of sharp pain through Shi�s lip, cheek and eye on his left side as he fell back, his head slamming into the hard, wooden floor. For a brief, terrifying moment, Shi lost his vision. It wasn�t fuzzy or unclear, but rather pitch black for several seconds and when it started to come back, it was a warm red at first before clearing.

His head throbbed as soon as his vision came back to him and he could feel hot blood dripping down the back of his neck and his chin. He didn�t know what hurt more, the back of his head or his eye, the left side of his face feeling terribly swollen, but he could see out of that eye, so he knew that it really wasn�t. The blow had been shockingly violent and Shi struggled to catch his breath. He had gone too far, he realized. He suddenly feared that Cree wouldn�t just stop with striking him and tried to sit up again. His hands slipped on the bloodied floor, feeling confused and weak, but managed to right himself again, rubbing his eye with his shaking hand and staring at his grandfather fearfully. Because of his hazy vision on his left side, Cree�s eyes almost looked like burning sunsets.

�Watch your tongue,� the black haired man said coldly, his voice tight with anger, �Don�t speak about things you can�t possibly understand. I didn�t deserve her? You�re just a dumb, little brat! What does a kid like you know about being a man, about being a father?! Our family has been rich and valued members of our community for hundreds of generations. I was respected and looked up to, then my wife left me without a word. She ruined everything! When Odin got sick, what was I supposed to do? Take him to some asylum filled with the diseased homeless shit of our society?! I would never let my son be locked away with that filth! I would be a laughing stock!�

�So you did nothing,� Shi shot back boldly.

//Rejection�

Deception�

Reflection�

Conception�//
�I loved my children,� Cree snapped at him, �and in return, they betrayed me, just like their bitch of a mother! Ursula decided to have brats of her own, instead of staying with her real family and ignoring her responsibilities to her younger siblings� Odin humiliated me, he even blamed me for his illness! And your mother�� Cree laughed bitterly, �I loved her most of all. She was the youngest and the smallest, but she wasn�t selfish or useless. Anjaleque was beautiful and kind. Most of all, she was obedient. She was always did what she was told, without question, even though I knew that she resented me for it. Then she met your shit of a father,� he bit out harshly, �But I forgave her for that. The discretion of youth and all that. She still came home and took care of her brother, was still so obedient. When she said that she was knocked up with his bastard child and wanted to marry some worthless ex-soldier, there was no way in hell I was going to let her slip away, especially not to him. I thought that she was my favorite, that she had more common sense, but she disobeyed me, ran away with him! And then� when Odin realized that his beloved little sister wasn�t coming home anymore, he killed himself� all because she refused to do what I told her to do!�

//The listening�

The torture�

The madness�

The sadness�//
Shi stared at him, disbelieving. No, that couldn�t be the reason. Cree was lying� he had to be! Truthfully, he didn�t know what was more shocking to him, that his grandfather had refused to give Odin any help, to the point that he had killed himself, or that Cree was saying that the whole point of all this was just to punish Shi�s mother. He couldn�t believe that. It was so� so petty! How was this punishing his mother? How was this showing her that she had done something bad? All it was doing was hurting him! His stomach twisted with Cree�s words. There had to be a better reason. There had to be. He hadn�t given everything away just so his grandfather could feel vindicated for some stupid, goddamn reason! Shi flinched as Cree ran his knuckled over his bruised cheek, the anger on his face melting away to affection, something that made Shi shake slightly in a mix of revulsion and fury, wanting nothing more than to bite the man�s fingers off.

//Can this be?

Or is it?//
�Anna doesn�t deserve you,� Cree murmured, tracing Shi�s bruise with his thumb, �You are so much better than her. You take your responsibilities seriously. You protect your brother and do what you�re told, no matter what you want. Even if you hate, you do what I say, without a question. You should have been mine, not hers.�

//The shadow cast before me�

I walk inside your circle�//
//Protect me�

Correct me�

You got your orders, soldier�//
Shi felt a shiver of fear go through him. Cree was insane. The way he said all that� like it had actually been an option� it scared him a little. Then there was the affection in his voice and the way that Cree was touching him. How could someone be so full of rage that they struck you one minute, then kind and� loving the next? He didn�t want to call it that. Even just thinking of Cree being capable of love made him want to throw up, but he couldn�t think of another word for it. The splinter in his heart was growing bigger. He felt like he was trapped in this shed with a bear, just waiting for it to rip him to shreds. He was suddenly very afraid that his grandfather was going to kiss him. It was the one thing that the man hadn�t stolen from him. He wanted to scream at him that only Vel was allowed to kiss him, but the moment quickly passed and Cree took his hand away from his face. The bruise throbbed unpleasantly.

�Y� you did this to me because of something my mother did ten years ago?� Shi murmured in a broken voice.
//Inside my head is humming�

Sometimes I hear them coming�//
Shi was unable to look Cree in the eyes anymore, the strange mixture of red and orange haunting, but the black haired man didn�t say anything.

�No,� the ten year old shook his head, refusing to believe Cree�s excuses, �You aren�t doing this to hurt Mom.�

He looked up at Cree, defiantly. His red eyes were hard and sharp, filled with superiority and hatred. Cree seemed almost unsettled by the look, the affection long gone, replaced by irritation, the very beginning of anger.

�Maybe you�re just evil,� Shi said coldly, �You�re a pig, hurting your own daughter�s family. You say that you�re doing it for revenge, but that isn�t true. You�re doing it because it makes you feel good.�
//The power�

Believeing�

The hate I hate believing�//
Something indescribable flashed across Cree�s face. Shi couldn�t tell if it was incredible rage or incredible insanity. Cree grabbed his shoulder and slammed him to the floor so hard, Shi thought for a second that it had been dislocated. Sharp pain radiated through the back of his shoulder and down his back, barely giving him enough concentration to make sure he fell on his chest instead of his face, which was still throbbing from Cree�s blow.

His arms were pinned under his own weight and every instinct he had was screaming at him to roll away, that there was no way Cree was just going to shove him around, not with that furious look on his face, but the sheer violence behind Cree�s attack, the power behind it, stunned him. He couldn�t move. In a blink of an eye, his grandfather�s hands were gripping his hips. He could feel his fingers digging painfully into flesh and his fingernails cutting his skin. The next thing he felt, without any warning at all, was his grandfather entering him roughly, with one, violent thrust.

He might have screamed. Shi wasn�t entirely sure, because the second that he felt Cree�s cock inside of him, his mind went blank with the agony. It felt like time had skipped ahead a few seconds, like the pain was so immense, he had blacked out without even realizing it. He felt something tear inside of him and hot liquid slowly dripped down his bare legs. He knew it was blood. He felt like curling up into a tiny ball and crying his heart out, or just throw up.

Tears pricked his eyes, but even through the haze of unbearable agony, Shi refused to cry and bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood to distract himself from the pain his grandfather had just given him. He felt like he was drowning in it, his lower body throbbing and his insides trying in vain to push the offending thing out of him. He had never felt anything like this before. Even when Cree was being rough with him, he had taken some precautions, lube, saliva, stretching, something. This� this was indescribable. When he felt the man move inside of him, starting to thrust, he was sure that he was going to vomit or black out again. That would probably be a good thing, but Shi doubted that his grandfather would let him get away so easily. The fingers on his hips tightened more, adding to his pain and Shi was starting to get alarmed by how much blood was coming out of him.

What if Cree had really, really hurt him? What if he had to go the hospital? How was he supposed to tell his parents? Was he going to die? It sure felt like it. So� this was what Cree was like when he was angry? He had wondered, so long ago, what his grandfather would consider a punishment if he didn�t think that rape was so bad and having a taste of that now, it only renewed his conviction to do anything he could to protect Eirie. He didn�t think of that now, the immense pain made it impossible to think at all, but he would think of it a lot later, when he went a little bit numb. Suddenly, like the flash of a camera, Vel�s image came to him. He couldn�t understand why, but he could see his best friend as clear as day and an incredible need filled his heart. It was kind of like when they had to run laps in gym during the end of the year, when it was just the beginning of summer. At the end of it, you were sweaty and hot and had this feeling that if you didn�t have some water right then and there, you might actually die. He needed to have Vel with him right now, needed to see him with all of his heart. He wanted someone to say to him that it was going to be ok, and he knew that if Vel was the one to say that to him, he would believe it as though it was the word of God. He opened his eyes, not even realizing that he had been squeezing them shut this whole time, but the shed wasn�t much brighter and it made him feel disoriented.

�So, I�m �evil�, huh?� Cree sneered, his raw, deep voice sounding loud and intense in the quiet shed, the sound of it making Shi�s insides shudder, �I�m not the one who killed someone.�

This time, the pain he felt had little to do with Cree�s cock. His harsh, accusing words struck at him, right where he was the most vulnerable. It hurt, because as cruel as that sentiment was, Cree was right. There wasn�t a single thing that Shi could say to refute that. Who was he to call his grandfather evil? He had killed someone out of fury. He had let his emotions and fears bottle up inside of him until they had exploded. Or maybe it was better to say that they had all overflowed because they were still there, in the dark spots of his heart. He could feel them festering there.

Dr. Harris and his parents could say whatever they liked, that it wasn�t his fault, that he was had just been protecting his brother, that he was just sick, that he would never do it again because of the guilt he felt, but that was a lie. It was all his fault. He had allowed himself to become this thing, this beast filled with hatred. He was going to do it again. He could feel that. As long as that hatred existed, he would keep on hurting people, maybe even someone he loved. After all, Cree was horrible, but Shi was worse than him. If Cree couldn�t change, then how could he ever expect himself to?

�That�s right,� Cree hissed in his ear, �I�m evil. But if that�s true, then I was born that way, it�s in my blood� and it�s in yours, too.�

Shi�s eyes widened in shock as Cree�s words filled him with a severe coldness and stillness. They invaded that place deep inside him, where all his most secret fears lived. They found the worst of it and brought it to the surface, where he couldn�t hide it or deny it�s existence any longer. It echoed in his head and made him want to scream. He felt Cree�s orgasm and his semen inside of him stung some wound there, but he didn�t care. His mind was still reeling. He finally came back to himself when Cree pulled out of him, making him wince and more fluid streamed out of him, but he couldn�t tell if it was blood or not. His insides continued to throb and the agony wasn�t edging off, so he was completely unprepared when Cree stood up and his foot lashed out, catching Shi on the side along his ribs, jarring him. The kick made him roll onto his back and he gave out a small cry of pain. Cree was on him in a second, grabbing his throat and pinning him down. For one frightening moment, Shi thought that his grandfather was going to rape him again as he leaned close. Their eyes met and Shi felt this strange little sensation of danger and horror come over him.

�You�re mine, forever,� Cree said with a tone of superiority, �There�s nothing you can do to get away from me, do you understand that?� he leaned in closer to whisper in Shi�s ear, �And if you ever tell anyone about me, I�ll gut your baby brother like a pig.�

The world stopped. Shi couldn�t feel his heartbeat, or hear the soft song of birds outside of the shed. He was awake and aware as he watched his grandfather�s black, heavy shoes from his angle on the floor move across the shed and leave his view, the door slamming closed behind him, but everything seemed grey and unreal. He felt sick and unhinged. His thoughts raced wildly, chaotic and insane. He wanted to get up and run into the house, to see if Eirie was alright. He had this horrible vision of his black haired grandfather walking up the steps, slowly and calmly, and butchering his little brother, even though Shi hadn�t told. He had been a good boy. His mind screamed at him to make sure that Cree didn�t put a hand on the little redhead, but he couldn�t move. He felt paralyzed. He was tired. He didn�t want to do anything anymore. He just wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. He wanted to be nothing. He rolled over on his bruised side and curled up a little.

�It�s in yours, too.�

Shi bit off a whimper and curled up tighter. He had tried so hard to keep that fear buried inside of him. Bits of it floated to the surface every now and then, but he had always been able to shove it back down in the end. Now, it was just there. The worst fear he had, that he was going to become his grandfather. When that fear poked at him, he clung desperately to the good things. He had a family that loved him. He would do anything to protect his brother. Vel� He had thought that those things made him better than his grandfather, that the people he loved, the people he would do anything to protect and earn their respect would keep him from going off the deep end. But what if it was too late? What if it had always been too late?

What if Cree was right and all these feelings deep inside of him had nothing to do with the rapes? What if he was just evil, just like Cree, and no matter how hard he tried and fought against it, it would always be there, waiting for a weak moment to bring him down to his grandfather�s level? He couldn�t accept that. He had to believe that he could be better, if he just tried harder. He would rather die than be like him! Shi closed his eyes, suddenly feeling weak, his exhaustion filling his heart and his body. The fear burned and rang aloud in his head. He was evil. How could he deny that? After everything that had happened� everything he had done� Harris was wrong. He was bad. And one day� one day soon� he would become his grandfather. It was in his blood.

He was cursed.
　

　

End Part 8
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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows