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Tourniquet	By : DementedGosip Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 982 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
~*~Tourniquet~*~

I ended up falling asleep in Duo's arms. I really
must be exhausted, because I'm in my room now and I never woke up in
the
process of being moved. I feel rather ashamed now. I can't believe I
let
myself do that. I was such a sniveling little fucking baby! How could I
act like that in front of Duo?! 'Hold me...' Fuck! Am I supposed to
continue
acting like that now?! How the fuck did I get into a mood like that
anyway?!

I'm going to be sick; this is just too much....

Rushing into the side bathroom in my room, I emptied
the soup I'd swallowed down back up into the toilet. The warm feeling
of
the sound did not feel so good coming up as it had down. Yuck, I think
some of it got into my nose... Why is it that when you throw up it's
full
of stomach acid and shit? It makes my eyes water from the sting......

Once my stomach had settled I just sat there,
head still leaning into the toilet bowl. I sat there breathing deeply;
the odd smell of the toilet was a comfort. I remember when I was little
I would just lay in the bathroom and fall asleep. I liked the smell,
sanitized
with the blue cleaning stuff...... Maybe it has some kind of toxic
ingredient
and that caused me to become fucked up........ no, I was fucked up
before
that.... Maybe someone dropped me on the head when I was a baby?

Who the fuck am I kidding? They probably threw
me to the ground.

Why did I act like that? Why did I let Duo hold
me like that? Shit, I practically fucking crawled into HIS lap. How
could
I be so stupid?

But.... It did feel nice, to be held in his arms
like that. He smelled nice. His skin smelled like flower-scented
lotion,
and his shirt smelled like detergent. Is it weird, that I find those to
be nice smells? I should have just sat there, why did I do that?!! And
why did he let me? He just sat there and held me, in his warm hands, so-

NO! I can't think like that! I can't.... Damn
it, I'm already getting hard.... Shit, I can't jack off here, not now!
I'll rip open my cuts....

What if someone walks in here? No, I'll just lock
the door; I'll be ever careful and not swing my arm too fast......

Duo....

~oO@Oo~

Later that day Duo came into my room, asking me
if I wanted help unloading my stuff. I had forgotten about that.... I
said
I could handle it, but I wondered if he could help me move the boxes
into
my new room. Once we had them in Duo smiled, looking like he was about
to say something. But then he just turned and walked out.

Did I say something? No, of course I did. How
stupid. He hates you now; he thinks you are some stupid clingy little
dolt!
A suicidal dolt to boot. Fucking hell, why do I have to be such a fuck
up? I know he hates me, it's obvious! So then why do I keep tormenting
him with my presence?

Simple, because it makes ME feel good. Humans
are greedy and selfish. It's a natural human trait. So then why do I
feel
like such a god damned JERK?! I'm sure there had to be something else I
could have done. Well, I suppose there was always the option of pushing
them all away and digging myself a huge emotional pit. No wait, I've
already
done that; they dropped a ladder. But it's not a very good ladder
apparently,
since I keep falling back down.

I hate this, all I want to do is be left alone,
to do whatever the hell I want, including nothing, and they won't
fucking
let me! Why are they acting like this? Why are they pretending they
care?!
It's obvious they don't so why bother? I know they all want to follow
out
like Wufei did. I mean, why would they want to be around me, much more
'help me back up on my feet'?

He only helped me with the boxes and stuff because
he felt obligated, right? Wait, the boxes, I forgot... Well, it won't
take
very long; I really don't have that much stuff anyway. Maybe about five
boxes full-and they aren't really large boxes either, I might add.
Maybe
15''x15''? I have all my books, mainly things I had to buy for school,
my laptop, and some disks were shoved in one box. Two others held
clothes,
shoes, and hygiene necessities. And the last two boxes just held all
the
random things from my apartment. I grabbed the gun I had kept from that
day I met the little girl, empty. It figured Duo would have taken the
bullet.
And to think I was saving it especially for this......... Oh well, I'll
get it back.

I picked up a small wooden music box I had bought
in an Asian store on a colony in L1. It had been lacquered and was a
dark
cherry color, sakura branches and butterflies adorning the top.(2)
Opening
the box, music started sure and strong, causing me to jump. This was
where
I kept very special things. I had a picture of Duo and myself, at one
of
Relena's birthday parties. A school picture of Relena, another of Duo.
Quatre had given me a group picture of us gundam pilots from when we
were
on Peacemillion framed, but I only kept the picture. Then there were
two
sheets of sticker pictures. Duo had dragged me into a booth once during
the first war, then again right after the Mariemaia wars. I'd never
used
any of them. I had six of each picture. Duo had cut the sheets in half
so that we'd both have some. I wonder if he ever used any.. Most all of
these pictures looked brand new, not worn at all. I like it that way,
but
somehow they felt cheap anyway.

I shouldn't be reminiscing. I should just pick
all the damned stuff out of the boxes and get it over and done with.
Shove
all my clothes in the drawers there and put my laptop on the flat,
smooth
surface of the dresser. Now where can I put the box... I'd feel
childish
putting it under the bed.... Perhaps in the closet then? There's a
shelf
up there right? Opening the closet door proved that indeed over the
metal
pole there was a thin white shelf. I placed the box up there and turned
back to the dresser. I suppose I should pick out the stuff that needs
to
be hung up...

Walking back to the dresser I pulled out the two
suits I owned and a few jackets, hanging then on wire hangers in the
closet.
(1) I think that should do it for that, I thought, shoving my shoes at
the bottom of the closet. Wow, it looks so full, a pair of running
shoes
and dress shoes. Slamming the closet door closed I walked back over to
the mess of boxes. I grabbed one of the junk boxes and lifted it up
onto
my bed. It held a lot of spirals, some for school, others I had just
used
for the hell of it. They were filled with doodles and poems, just
little
thing s I did when I got board. You see, I have tried other stress
management,
and it doesn’t fucking work, so there.

I seem to have lots of little meaningless things
shoved in here. Mainly paper, stupid things I'd jotted down. Then there
was the project I had been working on for my jewelry class, a set of
earrings.
I'd carved them out of wax, one was shaped like the head of Wing, the
other
Deathscythe. I'd cast them and was working on the final emery so I
could
apply the pre-polish. But then I freaked, and I doubt I'll ever finish
them. Oh well. I wonder what Duo thought of them, they're just floating
around; he had to have seen them. He must think I'm even crazier now,
wanting
to cling to such a horrific past.

Well, then again, how much worse can his opinion
of me really get? Why did I have to think that? Now I know it's going
to
get a whole lot worse. It always does after a comment like that.

Why the hell am I thinking like this anyway? I
should just unpack all this stuff..... no thinking...... Grabbing
random
stuff and shoving it in random places is the best way to organize after
all.

Finally now that I'm done with these boxes, what
the hell am I supposed to do with them? Hn, I'll just stack them and
set
them outside...... heck to see that the coast is clear, check. Set
boxes
down-

"Hey, Heero!"

"Ack!.......... Hello..... Quatre...." Shit, where
did he come from?!! I looked both ways! I did, damn it!

"We'd like to talk to you, downstairs. So if you’re
finished here...?"

"Uhh, yeah... What do we need to talk about?"
Why do I even care?!

"Uhmm, you'll see." Now I so do *not* like the
sound of this for some reason.... Perhaps I'm simply being paranoid. I
mean, they wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want, right? That's what
they
keep reassuring me with right?

Walking down into one of Quatre's living rooms
I saw that Trowa was sitting comfortably in a love couch, Basma relaxed
in an armchair, and Duo was hunched over on another couch. This can't
be
good, why does Duo look so upset? I sat down next to him and he only
seemed
to slump down more. Perhaps I've upset him? Maybe I should have sat
next
to Trowa? But then Quatre would be mad. Why didn't I sit in the other
armchair?!
Oh, there's a cat in it....

"Hello again, Heero."

"Hn."

"I've been thinking, ever since I met you I've
realized that you have more problems than I thought." Excuse me? Aren't
you a doctor? Why then hell are you telling me this? I always hated
people
sugar coating everything, but to be so blunt hurts even more,
especially
since everyone else is here to see my reactions. "I think it might have
been better to give you some time in a hospital, short term at first
probably.
But your friends want to keep you here. So we've come to a decision to
try another method. I honestly do not think it will work in just trying
to act normal around you and help that way. In fact I believe that will
do more harm than good. But a friend of mine has been working on a new
drug that helps people in exactly your situation, Heero."

"MY situation?! And tell me what exactly is MY
situation?!" Who the fuck does she think she is? I'm not taking any
drugs
to make me 'better'! Especially not new, and most likely, experimental
drugs. Shit, is this why Duo looks like this? I could just hit her,
beat
the fucking shit out of her! Not only is she trying to dope me up, but
she's hurt Duo as well! How dare she hurt MY Duo!

"Now, Heero, just calm down. I'm not trying to
say that you're crazy or anything, just that you need help, and that's
why I'm here. I'm trying to help you, and to be quite frank, you really
don't have a choice in the matter. The hospital and the court has given
me full custody of you for the time being. I have every right to
administer
this drug to you, considering I am not only your guardian but doctor at
this time."

"You can't-"

"I CAN and I AM. Now listen Heero, this drug is
called Dephimilitine(3), so far it's shown to be very safe and has
impeccable
results. I think it is the best thing that could have ever happen for
you."

"Damn it! Why are you doing this? Why can't you
just let him be?!! I was doing just fine; he was starting to trust me!"

"Duo! Don't you get it? It's part of his disease,
wanting attention. He isn't going to get any better if you just keep
giving
him all this attention! All this suicide stuff and cutting, it's all
his
way of getting attention! He needs professional help, and that's what
this
will do, along with his therapy and this drug, Heero will be able to
overcome
this for the rest of his life!" What the fuck? Why are they talking
about
me like I'm not even here? And why does Quatre think I want so much
attention?
I hate getting attention. And what does he mean disease? I don't have
any
disease! Fuck him, fuck them all, I'm not going to sit by and let them
do this to me.

"He doesn't want attention! He doesn't need any
drugs! Don't you get it? He's not crazy! He just needs to know people
are
there for him and that we care about him!"

"You're so naive Duo. He's just using you, getting
all the attention he can. He's sick and needs to be fixed, and that's
what
we're doing!"

"Fixed?!! What the hell do you think he is? Some
kind of broken toy? He's a fucking human being, can't you see that? You
can't just pump someone full of drugs and sit them in a room with some
stranger and expect them to suddenly feel that all is right in the
world!"

"Now that's just it Duo, this drug will do exactly
that. It makes the human brain register things that normally upset and
sadden you happy. And things that make you happy continue to do so. He
won't ever have to feel sad again, and that's only the start of things.
It's been specially designed for those suffering the after-effects of
adapting
to life without war."

"What?! Are you trying to say that if someone
died and he was on your damned drug he would laugh?! That's fucking
sick!
You can't take sadness and shit away from someone! That's only going to
make them even more fucked up!" Stop talking about me like I'm not
here!
Stop it! Can't you see I'm right here? I'm sitting right next to you
Duo....
Stop it.....

I can't breath, I need to get out of here.....

Getting up I thought for sure someone would stop
me, tell me to sit back down, but they all just kept arguing, none of
them
even noticed I'd gotten up and walked out of the room. I need to get
somewhere
high, someplace I can think. Walking up staircase after staircase,
dozens
of corridors, I finally found what I supposed was the top floor. Why
does
Quatre have to live in a giant house? No, a mansion..... It must be ten
stories high, why would anyone need a home so large?

Walking down the hallway I noticed it was coated
in a thin layer of dust, perhaps it just shows that someone really
doesn't
need a house so large. There wasn't much furniture or decorations here.
Also showing the lack of life here. If felt nice, so empty, so
unpersonalized.
Unlived in, empty, no memories lingering in the corner, no thoughts
from
yesterday down the hall. Opening a door on my right I walked into the
room,
and that made it seem like only more dust lingered here. The room was
completely
empty, even the window seat was unapulsterd, bare wood.

Walking over to it I opened the window and sat
down so that my legs were hanging outside. I could see the tree Duo and
I had sat under yesterday from here. It seemed so much smaller from way
up here, so insignificant. Is that how I looked next to Wing? That's
how
I felt I think. How sad, that I compare life to that of a tree and
house......
mansion.

Why would she want to give me an experimental
drug? Am I really that fucked up? That I need so much help she has to
resort
to such options? Quatre seemed to wholeheartedly agree with her but...
I don't like it. Not one bit. I should be able to do this on my own, I
shouldn't need the assistance of drugs. And Duo was right; I really was
beginning to trust him. I don't want to take any drugs and rely on
them,
I like these feelings better. These are real. If I take drugs I'm
afraid
I'll go back to hurting myself. Because I'll know that's real. The
other
feelings would feel cheap, don't you think? But then again, what she
said
about it, what it does.... Does that mean that even the feeling I'd get
from cutting would be taken away from me by some chemicals, and turned
into something else? I couldn’t stand that, I wouldn't be able to, it
would
be too much.

Do you suppose I can run away? Maybe if Duo and
I go together. But then how will we make it in the real world; you need
money, jobs, a home. It will be too easy to track us back down. It
looks
as though I have no choice. How is this possible? How could this have
turned
out like this? Where did it all go so wrong? I can't believe that I
could
have possibly screwed myself so far that I would need such drastic
help.
People attempt suicide all the time, why is mine so special?! So what,
I'm a gundam pilot, or I was... I was trained to be an assassin and an
MS pilot from a very young age, does that mean I'm crazy?

And besides, now that I think about it, even though
it was all built up, the war had nothing to do with me attempting
suicide.
I tried to end it all because Duo hates me.

That's right, he hates me. Duo.... Hates me...

I could jump right here, right now. Fall down
to my death. What do I have to live for anyway? My so called friends
obviously
don't care, Quatre is ranting about how broken I am, Trowa really
hasn't
said anything. Duo might be fight for me, but there has to be a double
reason for it. Basma, well, she's just a bitch. And Wufei-

"Heero." Snapping my head around so fast that
I noticed my hair falling back into place, cool against my skin, my
eyes
locked with those of Wufei's. Why was he here? And how did he find me
way
up here? "What do you think you're doing Heero?"

Deciding that he wasn't going to attack me, I
turned and looked back out the window. "Thinking. And tell me Wufei,
why
do you think I did it? Why do you think I tried to.... tried to kill
myself."
I asked this in a way that it really didn't sound like a question at
all,
but I really didn't have the energy to actually ask it.

"I suppose you couldn't take something anymore.
Perhaps you were trying to bend yourself too much, and snapped? But
I'll
never know Heero, because I'm not you. So please tell me why you
snapped
like that? Did you want to die so badly that you didn't care about the
effects it had on all of us, Heero?"

Is that what they all thought? That I didn't care
about them? I always thought they didn't care about me. Funny how
things
always turn out differently then you expect them to. "I'm sorry... I'm
so.... sorry... Wufei. I just... I felt like my whole head was full of
static, and that all of it was fake. I needed to yell, and scream.... I
was so weak... I AM so weak..." This was only proven to me further as I
felt my eyes burn and salty tears run tracks down my face. I was even
more
ashamed when Wufei walked closer and sat down next to me, back facing
the
window.

"Shhh. It's ok. You're not weak Heero, you saved
us all. You saved the entire earth. You can save yourself too, Heero.
You
can save yourself." How cheesy...... When was Wufei ever this cheesy?

I thought he hated me, after the way I acted in
the hospital. Why is he trying to console me now? He looks so sincere
though.

And so I just sat there, trying to figure out
what was going on, the both of us just staring at the other. What could
he possibly be thinking? Finally turning my gaze away, I looked down at
my hands which I held in my lap, trying to think of something to say. I
heard Wufei take a large breath as if he was about to say something,
but
when I felt a hand land down on my back, I jumped away from the light
force,
right off the sill.

The next thing I knew I'd left my stomach on the
wooden seat and was slamming face first into the outer wall of the
house,
and strangely enough I'd felt afraid. Wufei had grabbed my wrist,
preventing
me from falling to my death, and I was glad. I didn't want to die like
that. Not here, not now. Perhaps I didn't want him to take the blame,
or
perhaps I didn't want it to look like I was trying to escape
medication.
But I knew I didn't want to die then. I wrapped my hand around Wufei's
wrist and looked up at him. He looked so worried, scared even. I
couldn't
help myself, but I started laughing. Even after I'd pulled myself up
back
into the room with his help I kept laughing, so hard my stomach hurt
and
my cheeks felt worn. I couldn't get the look on his face out of my
head,
the feeling I got when I feel. It was all so surreal. And it was all
made
better by the fact that Wufei was laughing too.

It’s funny really, one moment I was so mortified
and upset, and the next I was laughing so hard. But the best part is..
nothing was funny. In fact, the more I laughed, the more I felt
like
crying.

~oO@Oo~

T.B.C.

~oO@Oo~

1) Does this irk anyone? I know it pisses the
hell out of my sister, wire hangers. I really don't give a damned.

2) I found a box like this in a store on Sakura
square, the owner is real nice. >^^<

3) Meh, I just made that name up, if it’s a real
drug I’ll be surprised, and damned sure it’s not the same thing. o.O
- 8
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Tourniquet