Live Without You?

A little more normal...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2 months, 1 week and 4 days after Heero’s return.)

“I just wish he was…I wish we could help him more. I know it takes time and we can’t force him, but…(sigh)…maybe I’m just being too impatient.” Quatre finished.

“I understand where you’re coming from, but anything he’s not comfortable with yet shouldn’t be pushed.” Trowa commented.

“I realize that. But it’s been two months and he still acts like we’re going to beat him at any moment. He still has this overwhelming fear if more than two of us are in the room at the same time. He still wakes up screaming, flinches whenever someone tries to touch him, and he still won’t talk half the time. He barely eats, almost never sleeps and he just looks at me with these terror filled eyes. I worry, I worry that he’ll always be scared of us, because he is. He tries hard to hide it, but he’s terrified of us. I worry that he won’t find anything good in life anymore.” Quatre told his lover sadly. “Lets get him some lunch before it gets too cold.” Quatre said and walked into the bedroom quietly.

“Heero?” Quatre said softly and ran a hand through the other’s hair. His eyes shot open with a look of fear that didn’t entirely faded as he focused on the shorthaired blond above him. “Time to eat.” Quatre said smiling. He flinched as Trowa helped him to lean up against some pillows, but was surprised to realize that for once he didn’t hurt everywhere. His head and cheek no longer throbbed whenever he moved; the wrap on his knee had been removed, but the plastic cast on his ankle still remained and his arm didn’t hurt as bad anymore, unless he used it a lot. He was even breathing easier than usual. “Chicken and rice soup.” Quatre told him setting a tray over his lap.

“Thank you.” he said shyly with a stab of nervousness and fear piercing through him. He still didn’t like to speak, he was still afraid he’d be punished for it.

Trowa laughed softly. “I sometimes wonder if you won’t ever get tired of soup.”

“No. I like it.” Heero replied twisting the blankets worriedly. He could use the hand on his broken arm, but couldn’t pick up anything heavy.

“Well that’s good because we have some tomatoes stewing now to make some for later.” Quatre said smiling still.

Heero sat quiet a moment wondering if he should continued talking or not. He wanted to ask a question, but didn’t want to over do it and make them unhappy. He thought a moment and decided that he just had to know.

“What’s tomatoes?” he whispered. He never talked above a whisper.

“You’ve never had tomatoes before?” Trowa asked a little surprised. Heero shook his head slightly. “Oh Heero you just haven’t lived yet.” He said sitting at the bedside.

“A tomato is a type of fruit, although most people call it a vegetable. It’s red and they make it into stuff like spaghetti sauce, ketchup, salsa, pizza and stuff like that. I’m going to put a little brown sugar into the soup to cut the acidity of the tomato.” Quatre said placing a cup of soup onto the tray. Heero looked at Quatre as he too sat in a chair next to the bed.

“What?!” Trowa asked shocked. They both looked at him. Quatre questioningly and Heero nervously. “You can’t do that! It’ll completely ruin the flavor, you can’t put sugar in the tomatoes!” Trowa exclaimed.

“Trowa you have to or it carries too much bite and drowns out the other flavors.” Quatre argued. Heero looked back at Quatre as he began to eat his soup.

“No, you kill the tomato flavor if you add sugar.” Trowa argued back. Heero looked back to the brown haired boy.

“The acidity throws the other flavors off otherwise. It won’t taste as good.” Quatre stuck by his idea. Heero looked back to Quatre.

“No, it compliments the other flavors.” Trowa told him matter-a-factly. Heero looked to Trowa again.

“Trowa we are putting sugar into the soup and that’s final.” Quatre said as Heero looked back to him.

“I refuse to let you ruin Heero’s soup.” Trowa said folding his arms across his chest. Heero looked at him then turned back to Quatre to find out his answer.

“You’re not going to win this argument.” Quatre said folding his arms as well and glared. Heero turned back to Trowa who was silent for a few moments as he too glared.

“Why not do it both ways.” Heero suggested softly and took the last bite of soup. They both looked at him.

“That’s a great idea!” Quatre exclaimed. “You can be the taste-tester for our soups.”

~~~~~~~~In the end Heero ended up liking Quatre’s soup better than Trowa’s, which proves that you should add sugar to the tomatoes. [1]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3 months, 3 weeks, 5 days after Heero’s return.)

“I got it!!” Wufei said excitedly clutching a package as he shut Heero’s door quickly. “If Duo or Sally find out about this they’ll be so pissed at me, but it’s worth it.” Heero struggled into a sitting position and leaned against the headboard. Wufei set the package onto a table and began to open it.

“I can’t believe you got it!” He exclaimed softly. He never spoke in anything over a whisper.

“Duo just doesn’t realize how important a thing this is…he worries that it’ll make you sick.” Wufei explained handing Heero a bowl. “It might actually come to think of it…oh well.” Wufei said nonchalantly and Heero gave a small soft chuckle. Wufei smiled at him in surprised delight. It was one of the first laughs he’d heard out of his friend.

“Oh Wufei that is sooo good!” he declared and took another bite. “Mmmm.”

“Yeah mint-chocolate chip ice cream is the absolute best.” He agreed and took a big bite.

“Thanks.” He said shyly. “I know you could get into trouble for this.”

“Well its not like they’d beat me up or anything…I’d get scolded and that’s about it. But all the same you’re welcome.” He responded.
Heero’s body had healed very quickly over the past few weeks once he’d started getting the nutrients he needed. He still woke up screaming in the middle of the night, still wouldn’t talk for days at a time, cried at seemingly random intervals, and he clutched tightly to his ‘collar’ which was really one of Quatre’s shirts that he’d cut up and braided together and tied around Heero’s throat. ‘Why pink?!’ Duo had asked with a groan. But more and more he seemed to be comfortable with the other pilots, he wouldn’t let any of the mansion staff near him, unless they were women and even then only if he had to. Most of the original staff had been sent away to different estates anyway, so it wasn’t that big an issue, this ensured that a minimal amount of people even knew they were still at the safe house.

“Can I have a sheet of paper?” Heero asked suddenly. Wufei nodded and handed him a writing tablet and a pen. He nestled his bowl against his legs and scribbled quickly on the paper, then handed it back to Wufei. “What is this?” he asked cocking his head to one side in curiosity. He’d drawn a series of line connected by black and white dots on the paper. Wufei looked at it confused a moment before it clicked in his head.

“It’s a Go board!” Wufei exclaimed. “It’s a game we used to play a lot. I don’t have a board anymore but I can get one and we can start playing again.”

“I’d like that.” Heero replied softly as the door opened. Wufei gave him a single panicked look and snatched his bowl, shoving it under the bed with his own and the ice cream carton. Heero stared at him with wide eyes and tried to keep from looking guilty as Duo entered the room backwards, carrying a tray with him.

“Okay Heero food time.” Duo said as he turned around. “Oh, this is where you got to.” He commented to Wufei.

“Yeah we were talking about getting a Go set.” Wufei told him trying not to jitter his leg nervously.

“That sounds like a great idea!” Duo exclaimed. “Well Wuffers since you’re here I’ll let you and ‘Ro get back to your conversation and I’ll go and finish up in the kitchen.” He said setting a tray over Heero’s lap.

“A little after lunch we were thinking of watching a movie, want to join us?” Wufei asked.

“I can’t I have to go out this afternoon.” Duo said.

“Where are you going?” Heero asked looking up at the braided boy.

“Just around.” He stated nonchalantly. Heero looked back to Wufei and gestured for the notepad. He began to sketch on the paper quickly. He held up the paper towards Duo to show him what he’d drawn. It was design specs on the head of Deathscythe. Duo was a little shocked and he stared at Heero in surprise, Wufei looked on in mild interest as Heero ripped the paper into a handful of tiny pieces and tried to cram them into his mouth.

“I don’t think so!” Duo said and took the papers from Heero gently, but firmly. “You remember?” Duo asked somewhat stunned.

“Of course I remember. I remember a lot of things, not all of them but I know a lot of stuff that…” Heero trailed off going pale. “Things that the enemy wants to know.” He finished shakily.

“Heero…” Duo said emotionally as he walked forward. Heero raised a shaking hand to his throat to check his frayed collar and gripped his wrists tightly in hand. “Are you alright?” Duo asked gently knowing that his beloved wasn’t, but…what else can you say. What do you say when the one you love is broken inside.

“I want to say yes…I really, really do but I just don’t know!” He cried softly as Duo wrapped his arms around Heero’s shivering frame. Duo rocked him gently back and forth as he quieted his tears slowly.

“It’ll be okay ‘Ro. It’ll just take time.” Duo comforted and encouraged him and Heero nodded his head mutely as he snuggled closer to Duo’s warmth.

*Why do I always feel so cold…must be low body mass.* he pondered silently as he pulled back gradually.

“I gotta go, but Fei-fei or one of the others will stay with you okay.” Duo told Heero gently. He didn’t really want to leave but he needed to get started on research for his mission.

“I’ll see you when you get back.” Heero said softly and nodded. Duo and Wufei looked at each other a moment, something unspoken passing between them and Wufei nodded silently while Duo turned away smiling.
Heero finished his food as Wufei brought out the bowls of melting ice cream again and set one on Heero’s tray, which he took a few more slow bites of before pushing it away. Wufei took the tray from him with a promise to return soon.

*I want a shower.* Heero decided silently as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pressed them to the floor slightly. He realized he probably wouldn’t make it to the bathroom, but that never stopped him from trying. He reached for his crutches and fitted the gray circular cups around his upper arms. Gripping the jutting handles tightly he leaned his weight forward and slipped off the bed. He hissed slightly in pain as his muscles protested the stain. Tears sprang to his eyes and trickled down his face.
*Okay, so it’s less like protesting and more like screaming in agony, but…I can deal with this. Two weeks ago I wouldn’t have made it this far. * He thought with a sense of pride as he took his first upright step in months. *Sweet Holy Hell that hurts!!* He gasped in his mind. *Too much time around Duo.* he thought wryly around the pain. *Oh if Sally knew what I was doing…its best if she not find out about this. Or Duo. I wonder how long it’ll take Wufei to get back. I wonder where Duo’s mission is. I wonder what Quatre and Trowa are doing right now.* Heero thought quickly. He thought about his friends, his oversized, long-sleeved shirt that hung down almost to his knees, was it cold or hot outside?? He didn’t even know what season it was anymore. He thought about anything in the world except the pain shooting through his body with each movement, the sweat drenching his body from the exertion of putting one foot before the other, the small mewls of pain that ripped from his throat. *Holy crap I’m gonna make it!* he thought as he took a final step towards the bathroom and leaned against door jam panting. He stood for a moment resting then lurched towards the toilet and plopped heavily onto the lid. He sat a moment more in silent shock. *I…I made it! Wow! I expected Wufei to have to pry me off the carpet! Ha! Shows you!* he gave a small hum of triumph and climbed once again to his feet. Part of him still didn’t like showing weakness to others. He realized that he had to, but he didn’t have to like it. He’d been trained as a soldier, then as a slave. To show his weakness, was to invite agony.

He hobbled across the cold tiles and shakily climbed into the huge freestanding bathtub. It was designed to look like one of those old clawed foot tubs. He placed first one crutch, then a foot, then the other crutch, then his other foot. He slid carefully down and sighed in relief as his pain abated a little. He placed the crutches next to the tub, pulled off his shirt and tossed it across the room. The tub was easily big enough for three people and had two different faucets. He started running the water and leaned back with a sigh of contentment as the water rose around him.

“Heero?” he heard Wufei say tensely as he looked around the empty bedroom and came hurriedly into the bathroom. Heero looked at him over the edge of the tub smirking, his hair plastered to the sides of his head. His eyes shining with mirth for the first time since he’d returned. Wufei looked at him for a moment stunned, then started laughing.

“I knew it, I knew it!” He declared. “Heero you just made me thirty dollars!” Wufei told him and walked into the bathroom and shut off the water as it reached the edge of the tub. “I told them you’d try to walk by the end of this week, they bet me five dollars and if you made it I get an extra five from each of them!” Wufei told him happily. Heero merely looked at him confused a moment. “I’ve been saying you need to get out of this room, but Quatre’s the only one who listens to me. I know you’re bored. So now that I’ve got thirty dollars coming to me, what would you like to do?” Wufei asked perching on the edge of the tub. He faced Heero with his back against the wall and his legs propped out before him.

“Me?” Heero asked surprised.

“Well yeah, its really your money anyway, you earned it.” Wufei told him smiling. Heero looked up at him. He realized that Wufei smiled a lot more than he used to. Heero had yet to hear a death threat from Duo or Wufei. He realized that they were a couple, the look that had passed between them before Duo left clearly said ‘I love you’, even a blind man could see the feelings the two of them had for each other. And the way Trowa and Quatre felt about each other as well, none of them were good at hiding their feelings for one another.
*It’s not that I’m angry or upset about it. I’m glad, I really am…I just feel lost…* he was surprised most of all. He never knew that Trowa or Wufei had any interest in guys, Quatre wasn’t all that shocking, but the two others pilots were.
“I’m really happy for you.” Heero said softly through his sadness and pushed back his tears. Wufei looked at him a moment.

“We’re not talking about money anymore are we?” Wufei asked plainly. Heero shook his head.

“I’m happy for you and Duo.” Heero said looking Wufei in the eye. The surprise that showed on his face said he’d been ready for anything but that. Heero chuckled at the look on his face and answered his unasked question. “I’m a Gundam pilot Wufei, I haven’t changed that much. I see the way you two look at each other and the fact that you’re not chasing him from the room when he calls you Wuffers is pretty much a dead giveaway. I’m happy for the both of you and I won’t do anything to come between you.” Heero said seriously.

“How did you know he told me about you and him?” Wufei asked.

“He’s Duo. He can’t be anything but truthful.” Heero said smiling and Wufei chuckled. “I care for him.” Heero stated honestly, the dark eyed boy looked at him in surprise once more. They were silent a moment as Heero let what he’d said sink in.
“If you hurt him I will kill you. And I know some really awful ways to die.” He stated coldly.

“I would welcome it.” Wufei told him seriously.
“I was worried about how you would feel when you found out. I was scared.” Wufei admitted after a moment.

“I can’t be mad if the two of you are happy.” Heero told him trying to smile, it failed.

“No I was scared that you’d feel like we would abandon you. Like we’d have no time for you anymore. Like you didn’t belong with us anymore……I was right wasn’t I?” he asked. Heero looked away from him, as he could no longer hold back his tears.
“Heero don’t even for an instant think that we’ll leave you alone for any reason. We would never, ever abandon you!” Wufei declared. “We thought…we cried when we thought we’d lost you.” he whispered. Heero’s mouth dropped in surprise.

*They cried?? Over me?! Why??* He felt flabbergasted, so he asked.
“Why cry over me?” he murmured softly.

“Because you’re our friend. All we have is each other.” Wufei said running a hand through his hair. “We’re a family, the five of us. And we thought our brother was dead.” Heero started to cry as he looked up at the other boy, his face blank. “We love you Heero. All of us. We love you.”

“Don’t say that!” Heero demanded. Wufei was taken aback by this. He began to argue but Heero cut him off. “Don’t say that…you…just don’t say it! You don’t!” Heero cried out. “You have no idea…you don’t know…” he trailed off unsure of what to say. He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes and cried into his hands.
*I DON’T belong here, no matter what Wufei says. I don’t belong here with them. They have each other and they’ve all learned to live without me. I shouldn’t be here I should have died!* He thought desolately. *I shouldn’t have hoped for Duo to save me…my violet eyes. I should have realized that no one needed me. That they’d moved on. Saseko, that’s all I am. All I’ll ever be, my Master’s whore. His mesuinu.[2]*

“Heero…” Wufei began.

“Don’t! You wouldn’t say that if you knew…” Heero trailed off as he looked at Wufei again, glistening tears still cascading down his water-washed cheeks. “I’ve done things…” he whispered before turning away, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth as he choked back a sob. He pulled his knees toward his chest and huddled against the wall of the bathtub. *Quatre and Trowa love each other, Duo and Wufei love each other and I’m left alone again. I deserve to be alone, I was made to be alone.* he sobbed to himself trying unsuccessfully to burying his emotions. Trying so hard to once again be the Perfect Soldier. To be anything else hurt too much.

“Heero, I don’t care.” Wufei told him gently. “I don’t care what happened to you, none of it makes a difference to me.” Wufei said laying a hand on his back. “You’re my friend and I do love you.” he declared as he ran his fingers up and down Heero’s spine gently.

“I…I’m not worthy of love.” He whispered softly.

“Don’t be like that.” Wufei commanded. “That’s bullshit! You deserve to be loved, you need to be cared for and you will be!” He stated emphatically.

“You don’t understand.” Heero told him still crying.

“Then explain it to me.” Wufei responded. “I’m a good listener.” He offered.

“They…Wufei…” Heero was too ashamed to finish speaking.

“They raped you.” Wufei whispered. Heero turned to him stunned. “They jammed a piece of metal inside your body. It was pretty obvious what happened.” Wufei told him gently.

Heero felt his entire body burn with shame. *Why did I think they wouldn’t realize?* he asked himself cursing his naïveté and stupidity. *I’m tainted, bad of course they would know.* For some reason he just couldn’t stop crying. He’d known that he’d have to tell the others, he’d known they would find out. He’d known it and still he couldn’t stop the tears coursing down his face or the ache in his heart, the humiliation and worthlessness he felt.

“You were held prisoner for over seven months.” Wufei said quietly. “You were beaten repeatedly, starved almost to death, tortured and raped.” Wufei said running a hand gently through Heero’s hair. “I know that and none of it matters to me.” he declared. “You’re my friend and I love you. Quatre loves you, Trowa loves you, Duo loves you.” Heero stared up at Wufei and shook his head in disbelief. Wufei’s heart broke in his chest. *He doesn’t believe me. He thinks I’m lying or something.* He hurriedly climbed into the tub and wedged himself between Heero and the bathtub, sloshing water onto the floor. Pulling his legs up he pressed them against Heero’s sides, wrapped his arms around the startled boy tightly and pulled him back against his chest.
“Heero listen to me.” he commanded. “We love you. I love you and I’m going to do everything I can to help you. If you want to talk, you can come to me. If you need to cry, you can come to me. If you can’t sleep, you can come to me. If you’re scared, angry, sad, happy, you can come to me. You ask me if you need something, anything. Understand? We’re not going to abandon you!” He told the other boy seriously. Heero tried to relax against him by laying his head back against Wufei’s shoulder.

“Wufei?” Heero began.

“What?” Wufei responded when he said no more.

“You’re wearing your clothes in the bathtub.” Heero said seriously. Wufei laughed and Heero chuckled lightly at his response no longer as tense.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you laugh.” Wufei said after a moment. “It’s nice. This really is something that Duo would normally do, not me. I’m glad I could make you laugh though.” He chuckled again. Heero didn’t know how to respond so he said nothing. They were silent for a while. Both of them enjoying the feel of the water, although Wufei did feel a little odd with his clothing still on. Heero’s mind began to turn back to serious matters.

“Do you really mean that?” Heero asked unsure. “Do you…actually…I mean…” He trailed off. *How can anyone say they love me? How can anyone want to care for someone as low, disgusting and vile as me?* he asked himself, his heart physically aching with self-loathing. He began to cry bitterly as he wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Heero…” Wufei whispered softly before placing a chaste kiss behind his ear. Heero’s breath caught in his throat.

*Wufei kissed me!* he thought in shock and a little panic. *Wufei’s still kissing me!!* he thought wildly as the dark-eyed boy planted kisses along the top of his shoulder. He stopped at the edge of his shoulder and headed back up his neck slowly. Stopping behind his ear once more, before heading down again in a slow rhythm of pecks and nips. His entire body shook and trembled as he tensely shifted his head to the side, exposing his vulnerable throat and allowing Wufei a greater range of movement in his exploration as was expected of him. But Wufei didn’t do anything else. Just kissed gently along his neck and shoulder, held him loosely against his chest, and whispered to him softly every now and then.

“We won’t leave you alone……
Every thing will be alright……
You’re safe now……
We love you……
I love you……
Its okay……
Its okay……
Love you…
Shh…” He whispered softly and slowly Heero felt himself relax, his muscles untensing, his breath evening out. And inside himself he felt something unclench. He felt a part of himself he held a death grip on loosen…and he began to cry, then he sobbed. Clinging tightly to Wufei’s arms wrapped around his body, pressing back against the presence of the other boy hot tears trickled down his face.

“I don’t understand! I don’t understand!” he cried wretchedly. *I don’t understand this! Why care about me! He knows! They all know! Why care if they know what I did! Why care if they know the filth, the disgusting piece of trash I am! Why care if they know how bad I am! I don’t understand this! I don’t understand!* he cried harshly, his throat sore and scratchy, his hands clenched around Wufei’s arms as if afraid that he would pull back at any moment. *But…I want this…I want this…I want this…I don’t want it to hurt anymore…I don’t want to be bad…I want this…this……I want this………comfort.* he thought as he cried harder. *This comfort, this…caring I want this even though I don’t deserve it. I want this.*

“Please…please don’t leave me!” He begged out loud. “Please don’t hate, please don’t hurt me, please don’t detest me, please don’t leave me alone!”

“I’m not leaving Heero, I’m right here. I’ve got you. I won’t leave you, I won’t hurt you and I love you.” Wufei told him soothingly as he rocked the smaller boy. “Lets get you dried off okay.” Wufei suggested once he’d stopped crying and Heero nodded. He pulled the plug on the tub and climbed carefully out off the tub and stripped his wet clothes, dried off and left the bathroom. He came back wearing a pair of black cloth pants with the cuffs hiked up.
Heero sat in the drained tub shivering slightly. Wufei wrapped a huge, fluffy bath sheet around him and lifted him easily from the tub. He carried him to the next room and set him gently onto the bed. He gave Heero a second, smaller towel and he began to dry his hair, while Wufei helped to dry his body and dress him in a warm over sized shirt and loose pants. Heero gave a huge jaw-cracking yawn and Wufei chuckled. He pulled the blankets over Heero’s lap.

“Why don’t you get some sleep until its time to eat.” Wufei suggested. Heero nodded and lay back slowly wincing in pain only slightly. Wufei turned to go, tiptoeing across the room as he saw Heero’s eyes were already closing.

“Wufei?” Heero’s call stopped him. “Would you…can you stay with me please?” He asked quietly. “Can you sleep with me?” Wufei hid his shock and turned back smiling. Crossing to the bed slowly, he climbed under the covers and lay on his back not touching Heero. Wufei didn’t move as Heero shakingly inched his way over and laid a hand lightly on Wufei’s arm. After a moment when it became apparent that Wufei wasn’t going to push him away he pressed his forehead against the other’s shoulder. Wufei slowly tensed his muscles and raised him arm over Heero’s back and around his waist lightly, nestling the smaller boy against the crook of his shoulder. Heero tensed up momentarily but quickly relaxed with a sigh and wound a shaking arm around Wufei’s torso.
He was asleep in no time.

*Well this is a little shocking…less like the Heero we remember, but still…a little better…a little more normal.* Wufei thought smiling as he felt himself drift to sleep as well. *He’ll be just fine.*

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[1] This is an on going ‘argument’ in my house, but I think it’s a cute scene. It does absolutely nothing to further the plot, but I did it because it is a pretty stark contrast to what Heero’s life has been so far. He’s not going on missions, he’s not fighting or training, he’s not being hurt. I did this scene to show just how different everything is for Heero now, how much he has to cope with and how different he is.
Plus I’m right and my husband’s wrong! The brown sugar goes in the spaghetti sauce!! End of story!!!

[2]Means- ‘bitch’

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There will be more ^-^