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The More I Learn to Care For You: Ed's POV	By : squallstorm Category: Fullmetal Alchemist > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 3037 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
Disclaimer: I don't own...Willing to marry into the family though.�

Roy's dialog belongs to ZaKai.� Be sure to check out Roy's POV for his side of this via my profile
XD

Chapter 09��

�Come here, Ed.� Sit
in my lap,� beckoned Roy,
and then patted his thigh.

Ed felt his cheeks heat up.� The
book he was reading was placed on the coffee table in front of the couch and he
leaned forward to get out of his seat.

�Wait.�� Ed looked up,
and froze.� �Release your hair.��

�Got any fives?� asked Al, sitting on the end of the bed
with his legs folded Indian-style.

Ed pulled at the tie at the end of his braid and ran his left hand
though his thick golden hair, letting half of it stay draped over his shoulder.

�Very nice,� purred Roy.� Ed looked over and into Roy's eyes, which had gone half-mast
already.� Ed offered up a smile at the
praise, and continued to stand from the couch.��

�Hm,� hummed Ed absently.�
He had already given up on paying attention to the game.�

Ed took two steps towards the armchair with Roy in it before that voice commanded him to
stop again.� This time it was his sweater
that had to go.� Ed slowly gripped the
bottom and pulled it over his head, letting it fall to the floor at his
feet.� He shivered slightly from the
chill in the air.� Roy was such a stickler for turning on the
heat in the winter.

�Your nipples are already hard,� murmured Roy with a smirk.

Ed looked down at his chest and could see that Roy was right.� Even through his T-shirt he could see the
little nubs standing hard at attention.

�Ed?� said Al a little more insistently.� Ed grunted this time and frowned at the
window he was staring at but not really seeing.�
Each time Al spoke, he ruined his fantasy.� �If you didn't want to play, why did you
suggest this game?� asked Al peevishly.�
�What are you thinking about?� asked Al, pulling Ed's hand of cards out
of his loose grip and putting them on top of his, working all the cards
together into a pile to shuffle.

�What did you say?� asked Ed distractedly.� Ed blinked at his hand, just noticing his
missing cards, and then looked down the bed at his brother.�

�What's the matter?�
Are you tired or something?� wondered Al, frowning now and looking
intently at him.

�Er, not really,� answered Ed, leaning back into the pillows
at his back with a sigh.� He'd play with
his memories later.� Right now it was the
only way he could be close to Roy, since he hadn't been back since he'd brought
over his stuff from his dorm�before that, even.�
Ed reached over to his bedside table, pulled off the Xing book, opening
it randomly and just stared at the pictures.

�Where's Roy?� He's hasn't been here since we got here,�
wondered Al, his voice cautious and once again disrupting Ed's desire to just
be still and not think.

Ed frowned at the pages of the book and randomly flipped to
a new section.� He really wanted to lie
and say that Roy
had come, just not when Al, Winry, and Pinako were here, but they were here too
much for that to fly.� He also
contemplated saying that Roy
was busy at work, but didn't want to make the effort to speak.� He began to flip the pages faster, seemingly
searching for something, and when he got to the end, he started from the
beginning, flipping each page.�

�Ed,� said Al softly, placing a hand over the book to still
his furious page turning.� Ed couldn't
make his head move to look at Al.� His perfect brother; in the flesh and beautiful once again.� When he had first restored him, Ed hadn�t be
able to stop looking at his little brother, but right now he couldn't stand to
look at him.� He felt like he'd let him
down somehow, messing things up with Roy
like he had.� Even though Roy insisted that it
wasn't his fault, he knew better.

Al leaned closer and placed a hand on his shoulder, keeping
his hand over the book.� �Ed, where's Roy?�

Ed swallowed hard and blinked at his brother's hand in his
lap.� The hand on his shoulder began to
rub up and down, and finally Al removed his hand to cup his cheek.� He began to shake, ever so lightly.� He didn't want to say it out loud.� If it was just between the two of them, no
one need know.� But if he started to tell
others they would know that it was all his fault.� He resisted Al's attempts to raise his head
and just shook his head in denial.� Now
both Al's hands cupped his cheeks.�

The small tremors became more pronounced, and he was sure Al
could feel it.� Al shifted on the bed and
picked the book out of his lap, closing it and placing it back on the side
table.� Then he was back and seated at
his hip.� Ed still would not look at him,
so Al pulled him forward and let him rest on his shoulder.� He resisted at first, not wanting comfort at
all, but when Al started to rub both his neck and his lower back, Ed reached
over and fisted the sweater at his brother's back, pulling him close.

�Ed,� Al said softly in his ear.� �Tell me.�
What happened?�

�No,� he said gruffly into Al's collar bone.� �If I do, you'll think I'm a screw up.�� As soon as he had started speaking he knew he
wouldn't be able to stop.� Al instigated
this...� �Roy�he�I fucked up, Al.� I messed it all up with Roy, and now he won't even see me
anymore.� I tried to talk to him, but he
just keeps saying that it's all his fault, but I know
I did it.� I didn't pay enough attention
to him, and he thinks I'm no good, or I'm not good for him.� I don't know.�
It's really messed up.� I even
tried acting out in order to get him to come, but then when he did I saw that
he was tired and I was only being selfish...�
He told me I was selfish�am I selfish, Al?� I don't know.�
I mean, all I did was give to you, to Nina, anyone really, who need my
help.� And he said you hated me, but then
he told me he lied, but I'm not sure...�
Do you hate me, Al?� For what I done to you.�
Do you?� I'm so sorry that I
fucked that up as well, you know I love you, right?��

Ed squeezed his brother close and ground his forehead into
Al's neck, trying to hide.� Al said
nothing, but he did place a kiss on the side of his head, and he fought with
himself to not cry again.� He had
enough!� It was so tiring to cry.

�We had a fight, just before the accident,� continued Ed,
unable to stop now, unwilling to hear if his brother really did hate him.� �He...he just started going on and on about
all this shit, and it was out of the blue, and I reacted badly when he shared a
piece of himself.� But how was I to know
he was doing that since he always blocked me whenever I asked about personal
stuff before.�� He was jumping around
now, he knew, but he couldn't stop.��

�I don't really know anything about him.� He's got my whole fucking history for pretty
much the whole world to see locked up in his office and I got nothing!� Is that fair?�
And even though he says I'm an adult, he's treating me like a kid and
deciding that this break-up is right.�
But I don't want to break-up.� Yes,
I'm mad at how he yelled at me, but that doesn't mean I want to walk away from
him.� I don't want anyone else!� It's only Roy who makes me feel good and
angry, happy and frustrated.� I don't
want anyone else!� said Ed with a gasp.�

Ed panted softly into Al's shoulder, waiting for him to say
how disappointed his was with him.� But
it never came.� All Al did was hold him
close.� For all their problems, Ed didn't
want to walk away from Roy.� He cared about the stupid
bastard...dammit!� Why the hell had Roy put all these
thoughts and emotions in his head only to walk away?� He should fucking take responsibility for
this!�

Al pulled him away from his neck and looked him in the
eye.� �Do you love him?� Al asked softly,
brushing his long bangs out of his face.

Ed shrugged, pulling his face away from Al's hand.� �I don't even know what love is between two
people,� he said in answer to Al's question.�
�I know I love you, Al, but this is a different kind of love then what
you're asking.� I just don't know if what
I feel is 'romantic love'.�� Ed looked up
and studied his brother's face.� The one
thing he wanted to ask his brother so much ever since Al had started going out
with Winry, now seemed liked it was of the utmost importance.�

�Do you love Winry?� asked Ed quietly, covertly watching his
brother out of the corner of his eye.� He
had been watching them together every chance he got.� They seemed to communicate without words,
using only glances and touch to speak.�
When one of them was tired, the other seemed to know.� It was the little things that Ed noticed
between them.� The cup of coffee unasked
for, the brief hug as they switched chairs...�
The thoughtfulness was something way beyond what he could ever be.� He just didn't pay enough attention to be
that aware of someone else's needs on that level.

When he thought about how he and Roy...were�dammit, he was
already using past tense when thinking about it!� He and Roy could never just say stuff with a
glance like Al and Winry seemed able to do!�
They had to rely on words or slamming each other down onto the bed and
ripping off each other's clothing.

Why didn't Roy
ever look at him like Winry looked at Al?�
Did he ever look at Roy
like that?� This all went back to the 'do
you love Roy'
question, and he just didn't know!� The
love between two people was so different compared to the love between family.� He just
didn't know...

Al sighed and looked down at the bed between them, and then
smiled slowly.� �Yeah...�

�How do you know?� wondered Ed, feeling jealous for the
dreamy, far off look that was on Al's face.�
Why couldn't Roy
ever look like that about him!� �What if
it isn't love?� How do you know?�

�I just do,� said Al with a shrug.

Ed frowned.� How was
that supposed to help him?� Al could do
better then that.� He needed help
here!� He was clueless to figure this out
on his own.� If Al would just tell him
what he was supposed to be feeling, it'd help him to know if he was...in...love.�

�Ed,� warned Al, placing a hand on his knee, and meeting his
angry glare.� �Love isn't something you
can quantify or study, it just is.� There
are no rules to define what you feel as love.�
It's different for everyone, I think.�
If you want to be with someone all the time, listen to them when they're
sad, share in their happiness, that's love.�

�But�� began Ed, but was interrupted by Al.

�You and Roy are both so alike.� You don't know how to express your feelings
clearly, and so misunderstandings happen.��
Ed snorted sarcastically.� �Yeah,
you know all about that don't you?� asked Al with a smile, making Ed smile
sadly in return.�

�Ed, why didn't you say something five
days ago when we first got here?�
You just kept it bottled up all this time?� said Al with a worried
frown.�

Ed looked down at his lap and shrugged.� He'd been so happy to see everyone; it was
such a nice distraction from his confused mind, and then he didn't want to
bother Al with his problems.� It was�had
been�his problem alone.� He hadn't wanted
to share it with Al at that time.� If he
did, it would have been one more step closer to real...and he was right,
sharing it with Al left him feeling empty and raw, but good too, in a way.

�I don't hate you, brother,� said Al answering his earlier
question.� Ed looked up to see if Al was
telling the truth and saw the veracity of what his little brother was
saying.� �You did the impossible.� You got my body back.� You worked so hard, for someone so young.� I'm proud of you, really,� said Al, his voice
full of conviction.� �And as soon as
Granny and Winry get back from their meeting with your doctor,� Al continued,
his face taking on a dark and dangerous look.�
�I'm going to have a few words with Colonel Mustang.�

-�� -�� -�� -

�Hold still!� snapped Winry, giving his pony tail a hard tug.

�I'm fucking trying too, but you keep pulling at my shoulder,� growled
Ed in return, running his hand along his hair and pulling it over his other
shoulder to keep it out of her reach.�
His T-shirt that Roy
brought from his dorm room lay in his lap to allow Winry to shine a light into
the inner workings of his shoulder.

�I'm trying to see just how bad things are twisted,� his pseudo-sister
said, ducking back down to resume her study.�
�And don't swear!� she added as an afterthought.�

�You already did that as soon as you got here, and then did it again the
day after that, and the day after tha��

�This is serious, Ed.� The surgery
needed to correct this will be really difficult.� You could loose the use of your
auto-mail.� So much time has passed
already,� finished Winry with a shake of her head.

�The port looks good, Winry,� Pinako said from her chair at the end of
the bed, her unlit pipe hanging out of her mouth.

�I know.� But the receptor for his
arm is pressing on the nerves.� It's not
even straight anymore,� Winry said loudly, turning to look at Pinako, who just
sat there silently and passively.� Ed's
eyes darted between the two of them making him quirk an eyebrow at them in
silent question.

�I'm not worried,� Ed offered into the silent staring
match.� He absently picked at the tape on
his lower stomach, pulling it off half way and then replacing it.� �I know you can fix it, Winry.�� With a loud, dramatic sigh, Winry turned
around to give him 'the look'.�

�In two more days, you'll be released into our care,� Pinako
said, removing the pipe in order to talk.�
�The train ride will be hard on you, but we really can't wait any
longer.� As it is, the chances that
you'll reject the arm are really high, and even if the surgery works and the
arm too, you might not be able to have the fine motor control that you had in
the past.�

Ed knew that, having been told that in a loud lecture the
day after their arrival.� Since Winry
couldn't beat him while he was in bed like this�small saving grace that had
been�she could only yell in his face, and occasionally spit on him by
accident.� She had also begun to pull his
hair rather then beating him.� He wasn't
quite sure what he preferred, but it wasn't like he wanted any of this to
happen.� It was an accident after all.

He might have to deal with not having a second arm really
soon.� It'd suck...but he didn't think
it'd be a huge inconvenience.� Small
things would bother him, like dressing himself, and doing his hair.� He might have to cut it all off if he
couldn't keep it neat any longer.� The
military frowned on messy hair for some reason...� Ed sighed.�
It'd suck that he had to leave with things still so unsettled between
him and Roy.� If only he could talk to
him one more time before he left.�

�It'll be fine,� said Ed, but he couldn't help but wonder
how much the train ride would irritate his wounds and his brave words rang
hallow to him.� He knew that this would
be just the beginning of his troubles as he had the corrective surgery to look
forward to once he got home.

�We'll see about that, pipsqueak,� said Pinako, replacing
the pipe in her mouth.

�Don't call me pipsqueak, ya old bag,� growled Ed.

Pinako hummed an affirmative then smiled at him.� �Good.�
I'm glad your spirits are coming back.�
Al must have gotten you to talk.�

That startled Ed out of his annoyance so much that he could
only gape at her.� He had thought that he
was a bit better at hiding his problems from them.� But he must be really bothered by Roy for them to pick up
on it too.� Now he wondered if Al had
said anything to them.� He didn't want
everyone to know that he and Roy were having troubles.��

�Yeah, Ed.� You were totally depressing to be around, now
at least you're fighting back somewhat,� said Winry, reaching out to grab his
pony tail, giving it a tug.� Ed glared at
her.� �You can put your shirt back on,�
said Winry, replacing her tools back into her tool box on the floor.

Shooting another glare at the back of Winry's head, Ed began
to sort out his shirt, pulling it right side out, and laying it across his
legs.� One handed, Ed snaked his arm into
his shirt and out the arm hole.� He grabbed
the bottom of the shirt and pulled it over his head.� There was a thump beside him while his head
was inside the shirt.� With a quick tug,
he pulled the shirt down and looked down at the bed to see his busted arm,
still covered in his blood, lying beside him.

�Can you believe that when they took this off, they threw it
out!� said Winry, sounding completely aghast at the notion.� �I found it in the dumpster!�

�Ugh...ah, Winry...maybe it shouldn't be on my bed then,�
suggested Ed, picturing all the things his arm could've touched making him
shudder.� He shuffled his bum towards the
other side of the bed, only wanting to be as far away from it as possible until
it had sat in a sterilizing vat of alcohol for about a month.�

�Don't be stupid, Ed!� said Winry snidely and began to play
with the fingers, making them bend.� �I
cleaned it.��

�It's not stupid to not want to get sick again!� Take it off!�
Granny, do something!� demanded Ed, looking to Pinako for help.

�Winry,� said Pinako, taking her pipe out of her mouth to do
so.

�Oh, all right,� huffed Winry, lifting the arm off the bed
to place in her lap.�

As soon as the arm was gone, Ed ripped his sheet off the
bed.� �Granny, get me that other sheet
from the bed behind you,� said Ed as he dropped his sheet to the floor.� Pinako grunted at him, but complied.�

�So, what did the doctor say,� wondered Ed, watching as
Winry started to break down his arm into pieces.

�Nothing new,� Pinako said as she lifted the neighboring
bed's blanket off.� �We mostly went over
your travel arrangements to the train and what sort of medication you'd be on
while in our care.�

�But I thought that I'm not supposed to be on anything in
case it messes with the nerves,� commented Ed, pressing his lips in
thought.� That was what he was always
told anyway.� Auto-mail required that the
user be alert without the influence of drugs in order to correctly be able to
communicate with the engineer about what they were feeling.�

�That's why you won't be,� said Winry, brandishing a small
screwdriver at him.� Oh...well that
answers that question.

Pinako threw the blanket messily across his legs.� With his feet, Ed began to straighten out the
blanket so it covered more or less all of his body.

�That's another reason why it'll be hard on you,� mumbled
Winry.�

Ed turned his head to find her intent on her work.� He sighed.�
He wasn't looking forward to the amount of pain he was soon going to
have to endure.� His body hurt a lot at
the moment, but he didn't have to worry about while on the trip.� He didn't really feel much of anything except
for a stiffness around his middle and the fact that he
was quite weak at the moment.� Adding
auto-mail surgery on top lack of painkillers would quite possibly do him
in.�

�You'll get your last painkiller just before boarding the
train.� After that, you'll be on your
own,� said Pinako, resuming her seat.�
�We need you clean of all the drugs as soon as we get home.� We'll start right away.�

Ed sighed.� �Right,�
he said without enthusiasm.� He settled
himself on the bed, lying on his back.�
He didn't feel tired at the moment but just the thought of what was
coming and he figured that for once he'd take care of himself and rest up now
while he had the chance.

Letting his eyes slide closed, Ed allowed himself to take
this chance to think about Roy.� He wondered what Al could possibly be saying
to him and how Roy
would react to having his brother in his face.�
There was no doubt that Al would be in Roy's face at this point.� Even though Al had been nice the whole time
when Winry and Pinako had come back from their meeting with his doctor, he
could tell that Al was simmering hot underneath the surface.� As well as Winry knew Al, he didn't think she
had picked up on his mood, or even knew to look for it.� It was only because he had seen Al clamp down
on his emotions that he was able to watch for the signs.� It was rather scary to see that Al could have
a temper too and he made a mental note to never get on Al's bad side...ever.

-�� -�� -�� -

It surprised him to know that he slept through the rest of
the afternoon and all through the night to wake up in the morning when the
nurse came with her tray of medication.�
He hadn't had such a good restful sleep in a long time.� It must have been because he'd told Al about
his problems...� Ed opened his eyes
wide.�

Al had gone to talk to Roy
yesterday!�

He looked to the chairs by his bedside, but they were
empty.� It must still be too early for
them to be here...� Maybe Al had
convinced Roy
to come today!� Ed planted his elbow into
the mattress and raised his upper body slowly.�
It would soon be time for his morning painkiller and judging from the
twinges he was experiencing right now it might even be a bit late.

Ed forced his body upwards until he was seated on the bed,
looking down the room at the other occupants.�
With an impatient sigh, he turned his attention to the far window to see
gray clouds reaching far into the distance.�
Judging from the way his auto-mail ached today, it was going to snow
later.� Ed covered his damaged port with
his left hand, rubbing it sympathetically.��

He watched the spindly branches sway in the wind as the
nurse added his painkiller to his drip line.�
He didn't, however, acknowledge her greeting.� After all this time he was still sore at her
for not listening to him when he had refused his meds almost a week and a half
ago.�

It wasn't long after she left that Al and Winry came through
the doors at the end of the room, all smiles for each other.� Ed felt his hopeful mood vanish into
annoyance at his brother and Winry.� How
come they could be so fucking happy all the time?� It just wasn't fair.

�Good morning, Ed,� Al called out as they neared.� �Pinako's coming later on.� She found it hard to get out of bed this
morning.� Her arthritis is acting up.�

�Yeah, it's going to snow later,� said Ed.

�Ah, so you're auto-mail is aching?� wondered Al.� Ed nodded, letting his gaze drop into his
lap.�

�Well, Ed, are you grumpy again today?� asked Winry.� Ed could hear the good humor in her voice,
but he didn't feel like responding.� He
could hear someone take the chair near the foot of his bed.

�Humph,� grunted Ed.�
He fiddled with his blankets, pinching it between his fingers and
tangling it in his fist.�

�Hey, Win?� How about
getting us some coffee and a cinnamon bun for Ed from the shop down the
street?� suggested Al.� Ed looked up to
see another one of those silent communications in progress.� Winry nodded, and left them alone.� Ed watched her leave.� He wanted to be sure she wouldn't hear
anything before Al started to tell him just what happened the other day.� As soon as the door closed behind her, Ed
turned to Al who was already seated in the chair and watching him.

�So?� he asked, leaning forward.

�I can see why you have trouble understanding him.� You don't pay attention to the little things,
but it's there��

�Al!� Just tell me
already!� demanded Ed, getting impatient.�
He didn't want to hear about Al's views or theories about Roy, he wanted answers!

Al let his mouth close over the rest of whatever he was
about to say.� Great, now he�d just
offended the only person other then himself who had talked to Roy about their breakup and now Al was going
to be stingy and not tell him anything!

�Oh, com'on Al, don't be like that!� Please!� begged Ed shamelessly.� He shuffled his way to the edge of the bed,
taking the blankets with him so that he could sit right in front of his
brother.� He reached across the distance
between them and placed his left hand on Al's right shoulder, pulling him
closer.� �Please,� asked Ed again.� He thrust out his bottom lip, putting on his
best wounded look to try and sway his brother into telling him.

�Fine, but you got to listen to what I say!� said Al, his
face impassive.� Ed grinned hugely.� �And you can't interrupt me at all, or I
won't tell you anything!�

�Yeah�yes, I will.� I
promise,� said Ed, nodding his head to add weight to his promise.

�Okay, get comfortable, I don't want you to tire yourself
out,� suggested Al, lifting Ed's hand from his shoulder.� Al propped up his pillows behind his head and
smoothed out his blankets.� Ed settled
back into the bed and looked over at Al as he brought his chair closer to his
head.

�Well, as you might have realized,� began Al, leaning one
arm into the mattress, and letting his head rest in his palm.� �Roy
is someone used to hiding things.�
But...I was able to learn some stuff that he didn't tell me.�

�Yeah?�� How could that be true?� Although, if he thought about it, Al was
better at learning stuff then he ever was, all without using his fists or
anything.�

�Don't interrupt!� snapped Al, his eyes flashing
dangerously.� Al liked having something
that he wanted to know.� His sadistic
side always came out, and he had to tease and torture him before he reviled all
that he had learned.� He could never just
get to the point.� He always had to take
to long way.� It was probably something
he had learned from being in the armor.�

�Sorry, sorry, please continue.�

�Right.�� There was a pause, where Al seemed to be lost
in thought.� As impatient as Ed was
becoming, he was going to hold his tongue.�
Al would talk, when Al was ready.�
�Well, I went over to his house, and I had to bang on the door for a
long time before he answered it.� You
didn't mention that he was in such rough shape,� said Al, a slight accusing
tone.�

Ed bit his lip in shame, but didn't comment.� He just assumed that Al knew.� His brother must have talked to someone to
know that Roy
had been hurt as well.

�Anyway,� continued Al, annoyed.� �We talked over coffee.�� Ed nodded his head encouragingly.� The only thing that he could do that shouldn't
count as interrupting...he hopped.�

�I had thought that after all this time, one of you would have
stopped being so pig-headed and learned how to talk to the other, but it seems
not.� He seems embarrassed about coming
to see you, and used us being here as an excuse for why he hasn't been.��

Ed choked around a peeved snort, also hoping that it wouldn't
count as interrupting.� Roy was always looking for a way out, an
excuse, an explanation.� It was always a
story with him.��

�I think he really regrets what happened that day,� Al said
lowly.� Ed let his face fall.� Yeah, he'd seen just how sad and tired Roy seemed to be.� But he had just assumed that it was from his
injuries and not because he was upset over what had happened that day.

�Ed, I'll ask you again.�
Do you love him?� wondered Al, meeting his gaze with his soft gray-brown
eyes.

Ed pressed his lips and sighed.� He hadn't thought about it since Al had last
asked, but he knew that he had to decide if he was in love with Roy, or just really close
to him.� Al had said that love meant that
he should want to be around Roy
even in the bad times as well as the good times.� Well, he wanted Roy now and this certainly qualified as a bad
time.� When they were good, it was really
fun.� They would banter back and forth,
testing the limits of their verbal play that doubled as foreplay for the
bedroom.

Just thinking about it now, made his chest squeeze
unpleasantly.� He wanted Roy here more then anything, and he wanted to
touch him even more.� He missed how a
simple hug could take away all the stress of the day, relaxing him.� He missed Roy's smell and he struggled to even recall
how his cologne smelt.� The texture of
the stupid bastard's hair was also fading from memory.� He had never thought he needed to commit to
memory how the stupid bastard's hair felt because they would always be fucking
together...at least...that was what he had assumed...

Ed sniffled slightly.�
Fuck, he did miss Roy...� �Yeah,� said Ed so softly he didn't know if
Al could hear him.� �Yes,� he said,
louder this time.� �I love the fucking,
stupid, stubborn bastard.� And...I really miss him.�

�Roy
does too.� He didn't say it out loud, but
I could tell.� When I asked him, you
could see it in his eyes,� said Al with a contented smile.�

�Then where is he?� I
want to see him!� whined Ed, throwing his hand up in frustration.� �He should be here and not fucking sulking at
home!��

�He's...really...upset about what happened.� I think he's taking all the blame, but it was
really hard to tell what he might be feeling.�
He's not one to let others see his hand, is he?� wondered Al.

�No!� The bastard!�
grumbled Ed, thrusting out his bottom lip in annoyance.

�You do that as well, you know,� murmured Al.� Ed just frowned harder at his brother.� �You don't open up very well.� When you were younger, it might have been
necessary, but there's no reason for it now.�
Ed...I want you to try to let Roy
in.�

�Nothing like asking for the impossible, eh?� grumbled Ed.

-�� -�� -�� -

The day of his discharge started earlier then normal.� At six a.m., one of the nurses shook him
awake and began to help him get dressed in loose slacks that Al had gotten for
him and one of his T-shirts from the bag Roy
had brought.� He was bundled up in a
large sweater and his red coat, and put into a wheelchair, where a thick
blanket was wrapped around his legs.� Al
and Winry met him at the door, Al replacing the nurse and taking control of his
chair, Winry going back for his bag.

Ed rubbed at his eyes wearily.� The drugs usually had him sleeping until
eight most days, so he didn't feel all that alert at
the moment.� He rested his elbow on the
arm of his chair, letting his head lean on his knuckles.� Throughout the night he had strange
dreams.� Some of them had been a
rehashing of his old nightmares, but then they had shifted slightly and it was
all about Roy.� It had been so real...at one point he could
have sworn until he was black and blue that he was at Roy's
place, laying on the couch with his head pillowed in Roy's lap while he read a book.� Even worse, was that he felt Roy's arm on his shoulder.��

He let his eyes close to try recall
the weight of Roy's hand, the way he felt as he
snoozed in Roy's lap, but he couldn't conjure up
how Roy had
smelled.� He missed that.� That was how he knew it was a dream and not
real.� After that, he couldn't remember
if he had had any more dreams, because he was being woken up to get ready for
the train.

There was a soft murmur of voices around him, sending him
deeper into a doze with the smooth whispering quality to their voices.� Roy's
voice seemed to be whispering to him, indistinct words buzzing in his
head.� So deep did he fall into his nap
that when his head slipped off his hand, he jerked in his seat in fright,
pulling his stomach a bit too far.� Ed
hissed in pain as he felt his sore body protest the sudden movement.

�All right there, Edward?� asked Dr. Maple.� Ed just blinked at him blearily from across
the office.� �That's alright.�� Dr. Maple smiled kindly at him.� Ed blinked once and then frowned at the
man.� �Mrs. Rockbell, the ambulance will
be here soon to take you down to the train station.� Do you have all the instructions?� asked the
doctor, turning away from the frown Ed was sending his way.

�Yes, it's all here.�
Don't worry.� We deal with things
like this all the time,� said Pinako from somewhere behind Ed.� She came forward to take a small bundle of
papers and a paper bag from the doctor's outstretched hand.�

�Very good.� Let's get him downstairs then,� said the
doctor, standing from behind his desk.

A large hand landed on Ed's right shoulder, making him
turn.� Al smiled down at him.� Since when did Al's hands get so big?� Ed frowned as he reached up to take a closer
look at how large Al's hands were.� He
could see the questioning look Al was giving him, but he allowed him to turn
his hand over.�

�Al?� asked Ed softly, letting go of his brother's
hand.� He looked up at Al's face while he
leaned down to hear him.� �I want to call
Roy before I
go.�

�You do?� Great!� But we might have to wait until we get to the
station.�

�What time is it?� wondered Ed.� He thought that the train didn't leave until
ten, so why were they going there so early?�

�It's going on nine o'clock,� said Al, turning his chair
around to follow behind Pinako and the doctor.

�What!� It's just
after six...right?�

Al laughed behind him, making Ed frown.� �You fell asleep,� said Al simply.� Ed snorted at him.� Yeah, he was there when he woke up, but he
didn't think it was that long of a sleep.

Ed fell silent for the short elevator ride down to the first
floor.� He was already thinking about
what he should say to Roy.� He wanted to be able to call him while he was
in the country.� He needed to know that
he could still have at least some sort of contact with him, however small.� He just hoped that Roy didn't yell at him for calling him.� Al had better be right about Roy feeling sad about this.� That meant that he probably hadn't meant for
this, any of this, to happen.�

The morning was cold.�
The snow that fell last night had been scrapped away into the growing
piles at the end of the concrete walk.�
An ambulance was parked, waiting for them to board.� Pinako was already climbing into the front
cab with the driver and Winry was stowing his bag beside the other bags.� Al helped him to stand, seating him on the
stretcher, with Al sliding in beside Winry.

At the train station, Al once again helped him to
stand.� Ed hated the way his legs felt so
weak and tired.� He couldn't' wait until
he would be able to exercise once more.�
His muscles were vanishing even faster now.� He hated to admit it, but he probably looked
like a really...small...thin stick.

�Al, don't forget, I want to call Roy,� he murmured to his brother as he was
made to sit back into his wheelchair.

�Don't worry, I got your nickel
ready and everything.�

�I don't want anyone else to hear my conversation.� Can you make sure they stay away?� asked Ed
as they made their way into the station.

�Sure,� said Al, reaching forward to place a warm nickel
into Ed's relaxed hand.� �There's a phone
with a seat,� said Al pointed to a row of booths along the wall.� �You can close the door if you like.� We don't have much time, so don't talk too
long, okay?�

Ed nodded as they approached the phone booth.� Al locked his chair in place, helped him to
stand up so they could shuffle awkwardly into the cramped space.� Sitting on the cold, hard seat, Ed watched as
Al lifted the receiver from its cradle, handed it to him and then took his
nickel.� He could feel the nervous
fluttering start up in his stomach at the thought that he would very shortly be
hearing Roy's
voice.� He shifted on the seat, his flesh
foot tapping impatiently against the back of the booth.� Al dialed Roy's number for him.� He wasn't sure if he'd be able to do it.� It was great that his little brother was so
thoughtful.��

�Okay,� said Al as he let the rotary dial tick its way back
to its starting position.� �Play
nice.�� Al smiled encouragingly at him as
he pulled the door mostly shut.

Ed took a steadying breath as the phone began to ring and
slowly let it sigh out his mouth.� He
could do this.� He talked to Roy hundreds of times on
the phone for any number of reasons.�
This time would be no different.�
He was just calling to say 'hi, how are things' and that was that.� There didn't
have to be a hidden agenda.� All of a
sudden he didn't have any more time to think about how easy this was going to
be, because he could hear the other side of the line pick up.� His heart did a little tap dance inside his
chest.

�Hello?� said Roy, his voice sounding
very neutral.� He heard Roy clear his throat before saying, �This is Mustang.�

Ed actually had an intense moment of panic before his brain kicked back
in and told him he needed to respond.�
�Er...hey...it's...uh, Ed.� Did I
wake you?� he asked hesitatingly.� Ed bit
his lip in his nervousness.� He sounded
so pathetic it was embarrassing.�

�Ed...�� He heard Roy mumble and he noted the shock there as
well.� �No, no you didn't wake me...� said Roy briskly.�
�I...� What can I do for you?�� �

�Er...well...� stammered Ed.�
What could he say?� Roy sounded like maybe he
was in the middle of something.� �I just
wanted to apologize for the way Al...sorta...got in
your face the other day.� He, ah, made me
talk... and... well... I...�� Ed closed his mouth with a press of his
lips.� He didn't like how this was
going.� And he wasn't all that sorry that
Al had gone over to talk with Roy.� He was glad that Al had done that.

There was a short silence on the line before Roy then said, �There's nothing for you to apologize
for.� Your brother has valuable insights
and makes good coffee.�

�Oh...� grunted Ed.� For some
reason knowing that Al had been able to do something better then he could and
that Roy
appreciated it made him feel left out and annoyed.� �I, uh...I'm going home�to Rezembool�for a
while.�� Ed sighed.� He wished that Roy would suddenly speak up and say that
'that's not your home, your home is with me' but the chances of that seemed
incredibly slim.� �I'm such a fucking
idiot sometimes,� Ed hissed under his breath, low enough that Roy wouldn't be able to make it out.�

�How long will you be
gone?� asked Roy,
breaking through his jumbled thoughts.

Ed sighed again, this time because it would be a long time before he
could be back.� �I...don't know.� It'll be pretty rough.� My arm is pretty messed up...� But that's in no way your fault you know!� Ed
hastened to add, as he recalled Al's comment about Roy blaming himself.� �I don't blame you or anything!� It...it was just an
accident.�� Ed let out a frustrated
sigh.� He wasn't making any sense.� And he hadn't even asked if he could call
yet.� �I don't even know what I'm
saying...� he grumbled.

�Are you going to be
alright to travel?� wondered Roy,
sounding very concerned.

Ed sat up too quickly, hearing those words.� The resulting twinge from his stomach made
him stifle a gasp.� �Er, well I don't
really have a choice.� This can't wait
any longer,� he said around gritted teeth.

�Of course...�
murmured Roy.� There was a slight pause in which no one
spoke.� Ed shifted�slower this time�on
the bench.� �Ed...��

�Yeah?�� There
was another pause, this time Ed was waiting for what ever Roy would say, unsure if he wanted to hear
it.

�I'm glad you
called...� said Roy
softly.�

Roy sounded so
lost, and lonely.� It was just the
opening he was hoping for.� �Can I call
again?� After the
surgery?� Maybe?� asked Ed
carefully.� He chewed on his lip in
anticipation.� As the seconds crept by,
Ed's heart began to thud against his chest.�
He stared blindly out the booth, frozen.

�I would like that...�
Roy finally
said softly.

�Are you sure?� Cause you can say
that you don't want me bothering you, I'd understand,� said Ed, forcing himself
to sound like he couldn't care either way.�
It was then that Al reappeared at the booth's door, opening it very
slightly and waving at him to get his attention.

�Ed?� murmured Al, then grimaced apolitically that he had to interrupt
the conversation.

�Just sec...� said Ed into the phone, then placing the receiver in his
lap, he covered the mouthpiece so that Roy wouldn't hear just in case Al was
going to say something embarrassing.�
Al chose the worst time to butt in.�
Roy
would have time to think about it now, and might decide that he didn't want him
calling.

�Sorry.� I just want
to remind you that there's not much time left.�
You better wrap it up,� said Al, offering him a quick smile.

�Okay,� said Ed, waiting until Al had pulled the booth door
back into place again.� He lifted the
receiver up to his ear.� �Ah, I got to
go soon.� I got, like, five more minutes,
so...�

�Of course...� Don't let me keep you; I don't want you
hurting yourself rushing to the train.� said Roy.�
Ed could swear that he sounded disappointed at the thought that he had
to go.� Al had mentioned that Roy might love him, but
he wasn't sure if he believed that or not.�
Could this be a hint of that love?�
Or was it more guilt over the fight and the accident?� And still he hadn't gotten his answer about
the phone calls.

�But what about me calling?� You didn't sound like you wanted me to.� Maybe I could write instead?� I'm not the best letter writer, but, I mean
I'm going to be in bed for a while, so maybe now I would be, you never
know.� Maybe I'll write to you anyway,
you don't have to mail me back or anything, that way, you can still know what I'm
up too, without pestering people to check up on me like in the old days.��

Ed laughed, more for the fact that Roy's habitual need for finding out
information had really annoyed him to no end when they were still looking for
the stone.� �I can tell you all about how
Winry likes to bug the shit outta me.�
Daily!� continued Ed, almost dreading what she would do to him now that
he wasn't going to be going anywhere for a long time.� Ed clicked his tongue.� Yeah, there was no way she was going to let
this opportunity pass her by.� �Oh, shit,
I'm rambling again�fuck!� Sorry,� said Ed
quickly.� Why did he always seem to be
doing that lately?

�Ed,� said Roy, sounding
perplexed.� Well, at least Roy was baffled by his
ramblings as well.� But he had to
wonder...maybe Roy
might be upset with him for that.

�Eh?� What?� I didn't piss you off or anything,
did I?� I'm sorry, I didn't mean too,�
said Ed quickly.� Fuck knows he didn't
need to start pissing Roy
off now.� �I'm a fuck up no matter what I
do, aren't I?� grumbled Ed to himself.� Once again, too low for Roy
to hear.�

�Edward.� Be quiet and listen to me for a moment,�
ordered Roy.� Ed actually squeaked.� He squeaked when Roy said that.� Damn!� �I said you could call, that means you can
call.� If you want to write,� said Roy, then
paused.� �Well.�� He paused again.� �That's
fine too.�

�I can?� You sure?� asked Ed
again.� He couldn't believe that Roy had said yes!�

�Am I supposed to say
'no' after a specific number of times that you ask?� wondered Roy in a dull voice.�

Ed had to laugh, at himself and at what Roy said.� �I don't know, maybe?� I'm sorry, lets blame that on the drugs,
please,� said Ed, a smirk working it's way across his
face.� He was so spastic sometimes.

�Alright... but you
can't use that excuse every time,� said Roy, a note of teasing there.� It made Ed very happy to hear that.� Roy
was playing with him.� It was cautious,
but it was better then nothing.� And it
was funny too, making him snicker.�

�Too bad though.� That's a good
excuse,� said Ed.� He looked over his
shoulder, looking for Al.� He wanted to
be able to meet his eyes so he'd know that it was going well.� Instead of Al, Ed found Winry stomping her
way across the station towards him.� He
had a moment where he considered bolting out of the booth and making a break
for it.� But then he remembered that he
could hardly even walk let alone run.�

�Ah, fuck, I got to go,� said Ed into the phone, watching Winry get
closer and closer until she was only feet away.�� Winry's stalking over towards me and it
doesn't look pretty. �Do you know?� asked
Ed as Winry tired to fold the door open, but Ed planted his foot on it.� He was so going to get it!� �She's taken to pulling my hair.� I hate that, but it's better then the usual,
which is a wrench thrown at me�� Winry forced the door open, knocking
his foot aside in the process.�

�Okay, okay!� shouted Ed, retreating into the corner of the booth.� She glared at him, one hand on her hip while
the other reached out for his precious hair and he couldn't fend her off,
because that would mean letting go of the phone, and he couldn't do that.� �No!�
Don't pull my hair!�

�Ed!� We're going to be late,
wrap this up!� nagged Winry.� Then she
did it, she pulled his hair.

�Ack!� I
said don't pull my hair!� Dammit!� I got to go, Roy,�
said Ed, ignoring Winry for Roy.� He didn't want to leave right now, but he
didn't have a choice.� Things were
starting to sound rather good!� If only
he could have five�no, ten more minutes!

�Have a safe trip...�
Roy said.

�Yeah...I'll call you after the procedure.�� Ed faltered.�
He wasn't quite sure how he wanted to end this call, but didn't have the
time to figure it out, so he settled for the mundane.� �Bye,� he said lowly into the receiver.

�Bye...� said Roy, matching his tone of
voice.

Ed pulled the phone away from his ear, handing it to Winry
to place it back on its cradle.� He
stared at the silent phone with longing and confusion.� There might yet be hope for them judging from
the way Roy had sounded, but until he heard it
clearly from Roy's own mouth and not from Al's
inferences he wasn't going to truly believe that Roy might still have feelings for him.� He hoped, though.

He let Winry help him back into his wheelchair, even
allowing her to tuck in the blanket around his legs.� The conversation replay itself in his
mind.� Did he dare hope that he had a
chance to work things out, or should he prepare for the worst and assume that
he had no chance, that way if anything did happen, he'd be so much more
surprised and happy.�
It did sound like Roy
was happy to hear from him...maybe.� And
it did sound like Roy
was sad that he had to get off the phone.

With a sigh, Ed ran his hand through his long bangs.� It was too much, and he didn't know how to
deal with all this very well, so he was guessing at best.� He hardly paid any attention to what was
happening around him as he got lifted into the train.� Pinako had arranged for a private cabin for
the journey�on Ed's tab, of course.� The
bed was already set up and ready for him.�
As soon as he was settled on the thin mattress, Pinako jabbed him with
his last painkiller for the foreseeable future.

Ed looked across the cabin at his brother.� It seemed like maybe Al had been watching him
for a while now, and he offered up an encouraging smile for him.� He wasn't sure when he'd be able to talk to
Al about all this, but as soon as he got the chance,
he'd be asking Al for help.� He needed
it, obviously.

With a slow slide of metal on metal, the train lurched
forward once.� A high piercing whistle of
steam could be heard throughout the train and the station, then
they were moving, slowly at first but gaining speed.� Three days on the train to get back
home.� Three days without any relief from
the pain, then the operation.� Ed sighed
again.� He missed Roy already.

�Al?� wondered Ed over the noise of the train.

�Yes, Ed?�

�Help me write a letter?� asked Ed, looking across the cabin
at his brother with a smile.

--To Be Continued--

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The More I Learn to Care For You: Ed's POV