It Wasn't Anything

Chapter 9

Disclosure

The smoke from Riza's gun rose like a ghost after she’d fired off all her rounds into the scorched homunculus. She watched as Envy writhed in pain from his injuries and fell to the pavement behind the entwined bodies of Roy and Ed.

Al stood motionless for a moment, still in shock from the dialog Roy released before being struck on the back of the head by Envy. When his senses returned, he ran to his brother’s side. He inspected the entanglement of limbs, finding a loose hand of his brothers to hold. He clutched it tight. “Brother, what did you get into?” Emotion was heavy in his voice.

Riza waved her hand as she kept an eye on Envy.

Envy tried to stand again.

A slew of soldiers appeared from around the corner of the burning building.

The flames were now spreading an eerie glow on the scene before Riza. She heard the shouts of townspeople and military personnel alike as they fought to douse the flames. She turned momentarily to the medic crew to direct them toward Roy and Ed. When she looked back to where Envy had stood, it was empty. “Damn-it, where did he go?” She realized he could have easily shape-shifted into just about anyone. He could even be standing right beside her. The thought sent a shiver through her spine.

xxx

Roy opened his eyes in the back of the medic truck and gazed at Riza, who sat beside him. He realized they were moving. He could feel every bump in the road. Sitting up suddenly, his vision blurred as everything started to spin. “Ed? Where is Ed?” He was distressed and it reflected in his voice.

Riza placed gentle hands on his arms and helped him lie back down. “He’s right here. It’s all right. They got to him in time. He lost a lot of blood, but the wound is superficial really.” Her voice was calm and soothing.

Roy relaxed into his cot and raised an arm to his forehead.

Riza had never seen him like this, not since Maes was alive. Could it really be he was in love with Edward Elric? It is what she’d heard him saying over and over. She decided it was none of her business.

“I thought I told you I had to do this alone,” Roy said, smiling faintly.

“You also put me in charge, sir,” she said, returning the smile.

Al sat with Edward on the other side of the truck, hoping and waiting to see his brother's large amber eyes open.

Ed’s small body was wrapped in gauze from his armpits to his waste.

Al spoke softly to his sibling, not sure if he wanted anyone to hear what he said. “Brother, why did Roy say those things? What are you hiding from me? What is so terrible that you can’t even tell me?” His words fell on deaf ears while Ed continued to remain unconscious.

xxx

Ed woke to the aroma of food, stomach growling. He was so hungry he was almost nauseous. Turning onto his side, pain stung his flesh shoulder under a large bandage. He looked around the room from a comfortable bed. His eyes rested on a nightstand with a clock perched on top, glaring at him. It was midday and he was in Mustang’s bedroom. But how did he get here, he wondered? Flashes of memory spun a movie reel behind his eyes - Fuery and Havoc in the library, the train ride to Ishbal, his mother in the restaurant, Envy groping him, Sloth stabbing him, Roy . . . Roy saving his life.

Suddenly, he felt another type of pain, the kind that comes from a broken heart. He heard footsteps in the hallway.

Roy appeared in the doorway, wearing a pair of tan slacks and a white shirt, hung loose and unbuttoned. His black hair was a little disheveled, offsetting his dark eyes.

Ed gasped. So striking, he thought. The aching in his chest magnified. Roy didn’t love him. He shifted his gaze back to the clock.

“You woke up,” Roy said, walking forward and sitting beside Ed. Roy placed a hand on Ed’s side, wanting to reconnect with him somehow and help him get through the painful memories he must be having.

Ed repositioned himself further back on the bed, causing Roy’s hand to drop into empty sheets.

Roy winced as he realized Ed was rejecting his touch.

Ed struggled to keep tears, pooling in his eyes, from falling. How could Mustang possibly think he still had the right to touch him? Just because he’d saved his life, didn’t mean everything was mended between them. Ed rolled over in the bed, putting his back toward Mustang. “Why did you do it?” His voice held bitterness.

“Do what specifically?”

“Why did you save me? Why didn’t you just let me die?” He fought a sudden compulsion to turn back around and throw himself into Mustang's arms. Instead, he pushed his face into the pillow, stifling a sob.

Gasping, Roy pulled his legs up onto the bed and lay down beside Ed. “Come on, Ed, you know I couldn’t do that. How could you even say something like that?” The horrible feeling of almost losing him came back with a vengeance. Pressing his body up against Ed’s back, he wrapped his arms around him. He pulled Ed close, feeling his body trembling, even as it became rigid. Obviously Roy’s embrace was not welcomed, but he had to try. He had to let his lover know he was there for him and would never let anything happen to him. There were so many things he wanted to say to him, confess to him. But with the way Ed was behaving, he figured it would have to wait.

Ed's pulse beat wildly and his breathing became labored, feeling Mustang's body so close against him. What was Mustang doing? Didn’t he understand the agony he caused?

Ed leaned into Roy's body against his will, as if his body betrayed him. “But I wanted to, I wanted to die.” His voice was cold and flat. He felt Roy’s arms embrace him tighter and the elder man’s breath on his neck. It hurt so bad, to feel the touch of the man he thought he could never have completely. After being betrayed by a creature pretending to be his mother, he feared Mustang could just as easily betray him. He tried to pull away again, but was brought back by Roy’s persistent hold.

“Hush, don’t say that. It’s all over now. You’re alive and I’m here for you,” Roy whispered. It felt so good to hold him again, to feel Ed’s body against his own. He didn’t quite understand the full reason why Ed was rejecting him, but he figured it must have something to do with Sloth. Maybe Ed was still dealing with losing his mother a second time. Still, he couldn’t help but place soft kisses on his neck. He’d missed him so much. Ed was here, in his bed, and Roy had been able to keep him alive. “Edward, don’t push me away.” He had to have more. He had to experience all of him as if to prove to himself that Ed was really here with him, not in some grave.

Ed knew he was in trouble when he felt the kisses, like soft petals, grace his skin. He moaned involuntarily. Hardening, his senses were overrun with the feel of the man he loved surrounding him, his scent intoxicating as he breathed it in. “No, Roy, it’s wrong, it’s—"

Roy caressed Ed's chest, trailing soft circles, going lower and lower, until finally, his hand plunged under his boxers. He stroked softly, gently, on Ed's erection, slowly rocking his hips against Ed's back.

Ed gasped and bit his lip. The sensation of Roy’s hand rubbing him after all he’d been through, all he knew, still sent shivers pulsing through his spine. He didn’t want to like it, didn’t want to crave it, but he couldn’t stop taking pleasure in the touch of the man he loved. His surrender was gradual and bittersweet. Ed soon allowed himself to be turned back around. He hungrily kissed Roy's lips, opening his mouth, allowing Roy to probe and penetrate him. Ed rocked his hips in time with Roy's hand, moaning. Roy was tender with him, which made it all the more tragic.

Roy felt his lover submit to him, spurring him on. He turned Ed completely onto his back and slid over him, being careful to avoid his injury.

Ed flinched.

“Are you Okay?” Roy asked, afraid he'd hurt him.

“I-I’m fine,” Ed moved his face forward to meet Roy’s lips again. There’d been a momentary twinge in his shoulder, but it was gone now and he didn’t want Roy to stop. He wanted to believe the tender kisses and caresses were coming from someone who loved him. If he just closed his eyes and let Roy take him this way, then he could lose himself in his imagination and his heartache would dissipate. The more he gave into Roy, the more insistent his actions became, the more passionate his kisses. Ed had a secure hold on Roy as his head came down to his chest and ran a light tongue over his nipples. He felt the delicious pressure of Roy’s hips pressing into his own, unyielding and insistent.

Roy was surprised by how submissive Ed was being. It was like the night of his birthday, like they had turned back the clock. He decided to take his time with him, savor every kiss, every caress of his lover’s soft skin. Moving slowly over his body, he gradually dropped his head down between Ed’ legs, licking, sucking, and kissing as he went. He carefully and slowly removed Ed’s boxers. He heard a loud moan escape Ed while he fondled him, stroking the inside of his thighs with his tongue and fingers. He licked Ed's length, flicking the sensitive tip, teasing him.

Ed’s head tilted back and his hips thrust upward with the pleasure Roy's tongue gave him. He couldn’t bring himself to protest anymore. The sensations sweeping his body were too sweet. He told himself he’d let Roy have him one more time. He’d let himself be swept away. There was always tomorrow to figure out what he should do. He felt Roy’s wet mouth enveloping him, fully encompassing his need.

Roy loved the feel of Ed in his mouth, loved the way he reacted to his touch. He wanted more of him this time. He required a complete connection to him. Roy hoped it could alleviate the fears he’d had of losing him to death.

Ed cried out in pleasure and sorrow at the same time. He wanted the actions to be out of love, not just lust. As he succumbed to the moment, he realized he would have to accept what was offered. While Roy’s lips pumped over him, he felt himself yielding, close to climax.

Roy felt Ed’s body grow taut in anticipation of his release, Roy stopped and lifted himself off his lover. Sitting on his legs, he removed his shirt. He saw a look of raw desire in Ed’s eyes, but there was something else, too. Why did Ed look so sad?

Ed turned his gaze away from Roy, afraid to look into his eyes, afraid to break the fantasy he held onto, of Roy loving him.

Roy removed his pants and boxers and lay back down over Ed. He placed a soft kiss on his cheek and brushed his hair back from his face. “Ed, I stopped because I, I want to, to feel the inside of you. Will you let me do that?”

Ed didn’t care what Roy did to him now. He was totally at his disposal. He just wanted to feel his lover any and every way he could. He nodded and finally gazed into Roy’s eyes, wondering what Maes had seen when he looked into them. Had there been something deeper, more intimate than what he could see? Ed watched Roy with anticipation as he reached into the nightstand and pulled out the lotion.

Roy held the bottle out to Ed and motioned for him to take it. He wanted to bring him back from wherever his mind had drifted off to. He wanted to feel his lover touch him.

Ed gazed at Roy in confusion.

“Ed, I want you to put it on me. I want to feel you stroking me.” Roy gave him a gentle kiss.

Ed held out his hand.

Roy applied the lotion to Ed's palm and guided it to his erection. Closing his eyes, Roy moaned as the delicious sensation of Ed’s hand stroking him filled his senses. He positioned himself over Ed again and spread his legs with his own, dropping down between his thighs. Roy knew he had to be gentle. He didn’t want Ed’s first time to be too painful, not after all he’d been through.

Ed gasped when he felt Roy so close to his entrance. He had no idea what to expect. Remembering how it felt for him to be inside his lover, he wanted more than anything to see the look on Roy’s face as he entered him. He hoped it would let him see into his lover’s soul somehow, let him see a glimpse of what was withheld. He pressed on Roy’s hips, gazing into his eyes.

Roy slowly drove into Ed. The sensation of moist hot pressure quickly consumed him.

Ed burned. The physical pain dulled the emotional pain, helped cleanse his mind of all that had happened. As he gazed at Roy, his heart ached for everything he thought he'd never have.

Roy tried to gauge Ed's reaction. “Are you okay?” Roy's breath quickened.

Ed nodded. The burning had dissipated.

Roy put his hands under Ed’s behind and lifted him a little while he drove slowly in and out. He wanted his lover to experience everything the act had to offer him.

Suddenly, Ed's expression changed and he cried out into the room.
Roy smiled for a moment. He knew he'd found the right position. His hips drove down again, plunging into his lover's internal pleasure spot.

Ed’s hips thrust in rhythm with Roy's while his hands pulled him down each time, feeding his growing need. His erection rubbed against Roy's taut stomach, sending waves of pleasure through his body.

Roy pushed his stomach harder into Ed, increasing the friction to his lover's length.

Ed had no idea he had the capacity to feel like this. There was a persistent humming through his whole body as two sites of pleasure converged into one. He twisted and thrust his hips into Roy, seizing all he could from the elder mans body. He let it fill the void produced by the fake mother and the lover he thought he could never have. When his desire crested, he felt Roy’s stomach grow slick as each wave of his eruption pulsated through him.

A rush of passion raced through Roy as he watched and heard Ed’s release. How he loved the sight, feel, and sound of him when he climaxed. It revealed to him a part of his lover no one else knew. Roy soon felt his own peak consume him as he pumped his seed into Ed’s body, letting out short gasps as each wave of sensation ravaged him. When it slowed, he withdrew and held tight to Ed. It was then he remembered the lunch he’d made. He internally kicked himself as he realized how famished Ed must be and here he was practically forcing himself on him. Roy lifted his head and gazed into the Ed's face. “I’m sorry, I did make lunch, would you like some?”

At the suggestion of food, Ed’s hunger returned with brutal force. “It’s okay. Yes, I’d love whatever you made. I’m starving.” He found his sorrow starting to fade as endorphins from their lovemaking poured through his veins. For the moment, he was almost happy.

After climbing off the bed, Roy pulled his boxers and pants back on. “Ed, stay here. I’ll bring it to you.” Roy strode out of the room.

Roy returned with soup and sandwiches on a tray. He helped Ed sit up in the bed and gave him his meal.

Ed ate quickly, devouring the food within minutes.

Roy chuckled as he chewed on his sandwich. “Damn Ed, you were hungry.” He knew it was time for them to talk. It was apparent something was still bothering Ed and he had every intention of doing what he could to help him through this. He gulped his food down and took a few spoonfuls of soup. “Ed, look, I know what Sloth did to you must have reopened some very painful old wounds and something is obviously still troubling you. I can see it in your eyes.”

Ed looked away, not wanting Roy to see what was really hidden there. How could he tell Roy the experience with Sloth and Envy paled in comparison to his struggle to compete with a dead man for his love? How could he admit openly what he overheard Havoc and Fuery saying about his indiscretion with his subordinates and how deeply it had cut him? How could he divulge these things without also declaring how all encompassing his love was for Roy? He didn’t want to hear the speech about how Roy cared deeply for him again. He felt Roy’s hand on his arm, tugging him.

“Ed, talk to me, please. Whatever it is, I’ll understand. I promise.”

Ed glared back at Roy, allowing anger to guide him. “I bet you will. You’ve never felt like this, never been used like this.” The words spilled out of him. Sitting back, he watched Roy's reaction.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t help you work through what they did to—'

“I’m not talking about the damned homunculus. I’m talking about you using me!” Ed sat forward.

“What? How could you say that?” Roy was stunned. His thoughts raced, replaying all their conversations, all their time together, in fast-forward.

“Because . . . because apparently you have a long history of using people for sex and then dumping them.”

“Calm down. I am not using you for sex.” He felt guilty. He did start out their relationship on this premise, but Ed had to have known that it wasn’t like that now.

Ed's brows lowered with anger, his eyes burned. “I know all about you, all about how you’ve slept with practically all your subordinates, how you discard people. And how many others have you taken 'the long way' home with? It sure was interesting how your driver knew without question what you were talking about. The only one you’ll ever love is your precious Maes. What is so special about a dead man? Why can’t you love anymore? Why can’t you love me? Why do you hang on to his love when there is someone else right in front of you who loves you just as much as he did?” Ed shouted, seething.

Roy was dumbfounded. He let silence envelope the room as Ed's disclosure sunk in. Then, he spoke in a low voice. “Ed, I won’t deny how terribly I’ve behaved the last few years. I won’t even deny that I did just want sex from you in the beginning. But you have to know that something about you captivated me, changed me. I’m not perfect. I did and still do love Maes.” He crept up closer to Ed, reaching his hand out to lie on his thigh.

Ed's tears had silently started rolling down his cheeks.

Sighing, Roy pulled his hand away from Ed, only enough to see his face. “But you made me realize that there is a place for you in my heart too. Because of you I found a way to let go of the past. I found a way to fall in love again. I love you Edward. I love you with all I have.”

Ed turned his head away, tears blurring his vision. He couldn’t look at Roy. Roy had told him exactly what he’d wanted to hear, but he couldn’t accept it. Maybe after what had happened in Ishbal he was untrusting of anyone’s intentions for him. He half believed Roy had lied to him and half just needing to hear it again. “No, you don’t, you don’t love me.”

Roy quickly removed the lunch plates from the bed and sat directly next to Edward, putting his arm around his shoulders. “I do love you Edward, I do. I don’t honestly know how I’d have gone on if you’d been killed by Sloth and Envy.”

Ed tried to push himself away from Roy's embrace.

Roy tightened his grip and placed his other arm around Ed, kissing his forehead, not letting him go. “Let me in, Ed. Let me show you how I feel.”

The demon voice in Ed’s head suddenly materialized. It had started screaming the closer Roy got to him.

Don’t believe it, stupid boy. He doesn’t love you. He can’t love you. You are nothing to him.

But Roy’s embrace didn’t waver no matter how many times he pushed him away, he screamed back. Roy had been there when he needed him, hadn’t he? When he wanted to die, Roy wouldn’t let him. Roy had risked his own life to save him. “No,” He said, only mouthing the word to his demon. He wouldn’t let it keep him from the love he longed for.

Roy saw the internal struggle on Ed’s face. “Ed, what is going on with you? Talk to me, please.” He watched while Ed’s inner turmoil reached a crescendo and Ed began to weep in his arms. Roy held him tighter, anxious about Ed's reaction. “Ed, just let it out. You’ve been through so much. I’m so sorry you had to find out about Sloth, and about me, all of it.”

“D-Do you, really, love me?” Ed's words were choked and muffled in Roy’s wet shoulder. “B-because I-I can’t just . . . just have sex with . . . with you. It hurts. . . too much, I need . . . need to know, that, when you do it . . . you love me, otherwise, you have to-to let me go.”

If Roy held onto Ed any tighter he’d have crushed him. “Damn, Ed, I am not letting you go. You have to believe me. I love you. I’ll tell you that a hundred times if that’s what it takes for you to believe me. I’m yours, all, yours.” Roy was surprised to be feeling his own tears coming to the surface. He had to make Ed trust him, had to get him to see how he felt.

Ed grew quiet. He was trying to decipher all he was told, trying to make the words take root inside of him. “Roy, I’m so messed up . . . so messed up. You have to help me. I’m so scared.” He hoped he could induce Roy to furnish some ammunition to help him deflect the demon voice, trying to break through again with its punishing doubts and mistrust.

“Ed, tell me what you’re afraid of. What is going on inside your head?” Roy knew something was very wrong for Ed to behave the way he was and say the things he’d said. Roy thought back to the strange disclosure he’d heard the night Ed showed up outside his window and realized he was dealing with something much more than simple insecurity.

“I-I’m afraid of, of loving you. Of Al finding out, of Al hating me for it.” His voice gradually calmed as he put into words the exact foundation for his fears and shame. “I’m afraid that loving you and wanting you is wrong, that it makes me a bad person, that it makes me disgusting," he said, softly. ”“How can you be so accepting of it? Of doing something so, so taboo?” He pushed his face deeper into Roy’s shoulder and held him firm with his automail arm. “Am I okay? Am I still the same me, even though I love you and I-I want you so badly?” He rubbed his cheek against Roy’s shirt as he bore his soul to the man he loved.

Roy would give anything to cleanse Ed of all his imagined sins. He knew Al had seen plenty that night in Ishbal and had to know about their relationship. Al hadn’t argued in the least when Roy insisted Ed stay with him while he healed. He decided now was not the time to tell him his brother already knew, however. Not when he was trying so hard to come to terms with so much already. “Ed, please don’t be afraid of what we have. It’s never wrong to love someone. It won’t make you a bad person or disgusting. It doesn’t change who you are. In fact I think you are finally admitting to yourself who you really are. You told me you had feelings for boys before, so you must have known deep down.” He brushed gentle fingers across Ed's forehead and felt Ed’s body relax in his arms. “Why don’t you try and get some more rest? You’ve been through a lot today.”

“But stay here, with me, don’t leave.” Ed's hold on Roy tightened.

“I’m not going anywhere.”