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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1144 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters and I make no profit from this fanfic. Any resemblence to living or dead persons is coincidental.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows

Part 9
　

It was the pain that woke Shi from the dark place in his head he had fallen into. That same pain gave him an intense clarity and he woke, remembering everything that had happened, without an ounce of grogginess. If it weren�t for the feeling of hard wood against his back, the awful smell of blood, semen, dust, and something that he couldn�t quite place, and the clarity of his memories, and the clarity of the pain, he would have thought that the whole mess had just been one of his nightmares. If it weren�t for the intense pain he was feeling in his lower body, he would have been happy to keep pretending, keep denying that what his grandfather had just done to him had all been in his head, that he just fallen asleep and had dreamt it all. And what was worse, the damage his grandfather had done to his body, or the things he had said, the things he had informed him of� the things he had made him realize?

He must have moved his legs or hips in his sleep, Shi realized. No matter how long he had been unconscious for, the pain should have dulled by now, right? When Cree wasn�t careful enough and he did bleed, the pain and the bleeding usually stopped fairly quickly, even if he did ache for hours afterwards. This wasn�t anything like those other times. It hadn�t been that Cree hadn�t been careful. The man had intentionally tried to hurt him this time and Shi was scared to think about just what he had done, what damage he wasn�t feeling. But the pain was sharp and throbbing inside of him, searing hot, making him not even want to move an inch. He must have moved and hurt himself worse, if the pain was bad enough to have woken him up.

Shi suddenly realized that his stomach ached, different than the pain Cree had caused him, his throat felt raw, and there was a terrible taste in his mouth, making him understand what that unnamed, awful smell was. He must have thrown up from the pain, or his emotional turmoil, at some point. That was probably why he moved in his sleep, he must have, subconsciously, rolled or shifted because of it.

A strange, scratchy feeling on his right arm distracted him from the pain shooting through his lower back and he turned his head, trying to figure out what it was. A spider, big and black and sinister looking, was crawling boldly up his bare arm, it�s legs feeling like tiny pin pricks. Shi watched it, nonchalantly, as it crawled towards his face, like some alien thing. He wasn�t all that surprised about its appearance, this old shed was probably infested with mice, spiders, and all kinds of insects, but he didn�t like how the spider�s legs felt on his skin. In a strange, incomprehensible way, it reminded him of the feeling of his grandfather�s touch, cold and alien.

Eirie was terrified of spiders, not just scared, but actually terrified. Whenever he saw one, he became paralyzed and would scream for either his father or Shi. He even freaked out if he just saw a web. Shi didn�t know what it was about the spiders that scared his little brother so badly, but he didn�t share it. He wasn�t scared of spiders, he just hated them. He thought it was probably strange, to hate a living thing so much without having any kind of fear of it, but he felt nothing but contempt when he saw them. When they scared his brother, he felt no guilt at all about killing them, even when they weren�t actually bothering anyone.

Shi flung the spider off his arm with his other hand so hard that, when it struck the wall and fell back to the ground, instead of rolling back onto its legs and scurrying off, it just laid there on its back, its many appendages curling inward in the strange way that spiders and insects did when they died. He wondered if the reason why he hated the creatures so much was because they had that same quality that he hated in his grandfather, that� impersonal coldness. When a dog or cat looked at you, you could place some emotion in their expression. Whether it actually felt the affection or fear or curiosity you saw was irrelevant, you felt some kind of sameness with them.

With spiders, all you saw was it reacting, there was no emotion, no care, nothing at all beyond sentience. His grandfather looked that way sometimes and whenever he did, Shi would realize that he didn�t care at all about what his actions were doing to him. Cree didn�t care about the pain he caused or how he interacted with his own family and whenever Shi realized that, it filled him with the same hatred he felt for spiders, the same disgust. He wondered if that was what he felt, just hatred for their coldness, their complete and total lack of humanity, or if he hated spiders� simply because they frightened his brother so much�

It was thought of Eirie being afraid that served to slap him in the face. The numbing cloud of shock and pain lifted from his mind and he sat up in a jolt, the move causing a wave of intense pain to go through him, but he ignored it. How long had he been out? Was Cree still here? Had his parents come home? He suddenly wished he had thought to put his watch on this morning. If his parents were home, they obviously didn�t know where he was or what had happened to him, which was a plus, but what if Cree was still here, all alone in the house with his little brother?

Guilt hit Shi like a wave. He was supposed to be protecting Eirie from the man, not just lying here! That was the point of this pain, wasn�t it? Because he would do anything to protect his brother, and hearing that he had sacrificed so much for his grandfather�s pettiness had driven him to this. What if Cree wanted to hurt Eirie, too, to teach him not to talk back to him? The mere thought of that horrified him. There was no reason for him to be this irresponsible. It didn�t matter if he was in pain or injured or depressed. All that mattered anymore was Eirie and he wouldn�t let him down, no matter what Cree had done to him.

Shi fought against the pain until he somehow managed to get his jeans back on, his hand shaking badly as he zipped them, and ended up stumbling to his feet, feeling like a newborn foal on his long, shaking legs. Every muscle in his lower body protested this, leaving him trembling with the effort to stay upright. Pain shot through him in sharp torrents. As he got his feet under him, he felt something pull inside him, then felt fresh, hot blood pouring down his legs again. He grabbed blindly at the closest wall, bracing himself against the door and gasping for breath. This wasn�t good, not at all. He couldn�t even move. This pain couldn�t be from something small and this much blood� he felt so weak as his body was trying its hardest to tell him that something was terribly wrong. Cree hadn�t just torn him a little bit this time, he wasn�t going to be able to just hide the blood and go on with his day.

What the hell was he going to do? As he stood there, gripping the wooden door and trying to get his breath back, the thought of walking from the shed to the back door, through the kitchen, up the steps, and into the sanctity of his bedroom was horrifying. The thought of trying to hide this was just impossible. There was too much blood and, somehow, he just knew that he couldn�t take care of this. He didn�t know what was wrong and some childish part of himself was frantic for his mom and dad to take care of this. They would know what to do, they would make it better that part of him said. He might even need to see a doctor. But he couldn�t. No matter how bad this injury was, he couldn�t let anyone find out about it. He would have to do something to take care of himself, because anyone else helping him was unacceptable. Shi was sure that they would know right away what this injury was and couldn�t risk it.

For the first time, even through all the things he had done to keep Eirie safe, Shi had to ask himself� was he willing to die for his little brother? He may have thought of that question, but he had never actually asked himself that with this kind of seriousness. If his only choices were keeping quiet and dying because of this injury, or telling his parents and risking Eirie�s life, what would he do? He didn�t think that, even then, he could tell anyone. The scary thing was, he wasn�t sure if it was entirely because of his love for his brother. A part of it was the shame he felt for letting his grandfather have sex with him, a part of it was pride, and a part of it was fear. He had gone almost two years lying and hiding this� he was kind of afraid of how letting go of that secret would change his life. This deal with Cree had quickly taught him that change was destructive.

Shi shoved at the door, letting frustration and anger give him the energy to keep moving forward. It didn�t really matter how telling his parents the truth would change things, if they would think he was lying or crazy, or if they hated him for doing this. It didn�t even matter that the thought of trying to just give his feelings words seemed so impossible. There was no one else in the world who could save Eirie from his grandfather, just him. His little brother was relying on him. If he planned on letting him down, he might as well just lie down and die right here in the shed.

The first steps out of the shed were the worst. Every time he moved, more and more pain radiated through his lower back, legs, and butt. With just a few steps, he suddenly felt dizzy and hot, like he had a bad fever and it was hard to think. He could feel the blood soaking through his jeans and dripping down, over his shoes. When he finally got the door open and walked into the kitchen, Shi was so out of it, overwhelmed by the pain, that he didn�t even realize he was leaving bloody footprints, but old habits had him mindlessly stepping out of his sneakers and leaving them by the door, the blood sticking to the bottoms of his bare feet.

His only thought as he had entered the house was running upstairs to see if his brother was alright, but after just walking across the kitchen floor, he quickly realized that there was no way he was going to go up any steps. It was hard enough just moving forward across the flat, wooden floor, but actually lifting himself up� he was even too scared to try. It wasn�t just the level of pain he was in, it was that, with every step that he took, the more faint, and dizzier, he felt. He thought that, if he tried walk up those steps, he was only going to fall and hit his head or something. He gripped at the kitchen counter desperately as a dual wave of nausea and dizziness hit him and his steps faltered.

Shi continued to stumble forward, careful not to slip on his bloody feet, until he was able to look out of the tiny window above the kitchen sink that looked out at their driveway. He saw, with complete and utter relief that made him feel weak in a completely different way, that his grandfather�s car was gone and neither of his parents had come home yet. The clock on their microwave told him that less than a hour had passed since his grandfather had come over, so it would probably still be awhile before his mother got back. Shi thought that it had only been his fear at Eirie being hurt or confronting his mother that had given him the strength to get out of that shed at all, because as soon as he realized that Cree hadn�t had the time to hurt his brother and had probably just left right away, his will to go any further left him.

What little strength he had had left was gone and Shi let go of the counter, sliding down to the floor with his back to the cabinet and just sat there, slumped and breathing hard. He could do this, he thought. He just had to clean up the blood and act like nothing bad had happened. His mommy would come home and never realize that he was hurt. It would be hard, especially if the bleeding didn�t stop, but the worst would be sneaking upstairs to the bathroom to clean up without Eirie seeing him. He could hear him moving around upstairs, the footsteps too light to be anyone but his little brother. The relief that flooded him was so strong that it left him leaving sick, or maybe that was the pain, it was hard to tell.

Even though he was sitting now, the pain wasn�t lessening any. Shi suddenly realized that he should be worrying about that pain a lot more than he was, but for some reason, he just felt kind of numb to everything, now that he knew he had time before his mom came home. He could feel the blood pooling under his body and knew that his jeans were probably ruined. Some distant, fading part of himself wondered how he was going to be able to clean all this up and throw his jeans away without anyone, especially his mom, finding them. He supposed he could burn them like they did on those crime shows.

Shi tried to remember what chemicals the bad guys used to clean up the blood, though it never really fooled the cops, but it was hard to think. He knew that he really should get up off the floor and start cleaning everything� but� he just felt so tired� it was hard, thinking of anything at all, especially since he didn�t want to think�
�It�s in you, too.�
Shi slammed his head backwards into the cabinet, the resulting pain washing away all of his thoughts, and kept that particular thought from growing into something dark and threatening. Oddly, the pain in his head didn�t bother him that much, or helped to distract from the other pains. Even more oddly, it didn�t wake him up at all, it actually made him feel even more tired. He felt dizzy and faint and no matter how much he yelled at himself to just stand back up, he couldn�t find the willpower to do it. He didn�t want to think about how hard it was going to be this time.

It had been bad enough before, in the shed, but now there was nothing truly urgent to propel him forward, or rather, all those urgent things suddenly felt far away, like a dream. That was what this felt like� like he was dreaming and he was trying to realize it was a dream, was trying to wake himself up, but he just kept being pulled deeper and deeper into this haze� He was just tired, that was all. He had lost a bit of blood and he was having a hard time remembering if he had eaten lunch or not, or when that might have been. But� hadn�t he thrown up, or was that all in his head? He didn�t need to get up right away, right? The floor was cold and hard, but it felt kind of nice, compared to trying to stand up.

He could sit here for a little bit and rest his eyes. He was sure he would feel better in a couple of minutes, then he would look through Mom�s cleaning supplies and find ammonia or something to clean up. He�d find someplace outback to throw away his jeans, take a shower, and get dressed again. Everything would be fine. Things felt terrible right now, even through the pain, he could feel this black, oppressive thing around his heart that he wasn�t giving much coherent thought to. If he stopped long enough to ponder it, he knew what would happen, because he knew what that black thing was. But if he just rested for awhile, then did what he had to do, he would go out with his family for dinner tonight and tomorrow, he would see Vel. Vel would make everything better. He wouldn�t even have to try so hard to ignore everything the way he was doing now.

Vel would make those things that his grandfather had said seem far away. If he could see him, he could lie to himself and think that all those bad things, which Shi knew, if he stopped to think about them, were true, but he would let Vel�s love turn those things into ugly lies inside his heart. He could do all that� he just needed to close his eyes for a little while� just until the grayness in his vision left him� just for a little while�
*****
�Oh, God� oh, God��

Shi�s sleep was an unnatural thing, heavy and thick, like he was wrapped in a tight cocoon. He drifted in a dreamless darkness, somewhere, deep inside, realizing that something was very wrong, but this concern was nothing more than subconscious. It was the sleep of the sick, the way he had slept when he had had the flu. It was his mind trying to flee from a sick and damaged body, but instead of doing so, it was becoming just as sick. Why he wasn�t bombarded by terrible nightmares, Shi would never know. Maybe his heart just couldn�t take anymore horror, or perhaps his mind was just as weak as his body felt and hadn�t had the strength to conjure up anymore guilt. Surely there was only so much poison your mind and heart could take before they just shut down, right?

And yet, as out of it as he was, Shi could hear someone�s voice, a familiar voice. That voice was pleading and sounded so desperate. No, it was more than that. The voice sounded broken, hitching with violent sobs. It made Shi want to comfort them, to tell them that it was alright, but for some reason, he was aware that he couldn�t. That awareness was sharp and real, too real considering how everything else seemed like he was experiencing it through a thick fog. He just knew that, whatever this person was crying about, it was something that he could never fix. That realization made him want to cry, too.

�Shi� please�. Please�� the person continued to sob.

This time, it was the pleading of that voice, not pain or the feeling that he really, really needed to wake up that pulled him out of the darkness. He opened his eyes slowly, but his vision was blurry and he was having a hard time focusing. The most familiar arms in the world were holding him tightly and his shoulder felt wet, the person�s face pressed against it.

�Please be ok�� the person murmured through their tears.

It hit Shi like a physical blow as he realized just who was holding him, who was crying. A wave of panic filled him and he shoved at his mother, trying to get her away from him. Although he was terrified to even look at her, he couldn�t quite stop himself from looking up at his mom. He immediately expected nothing but reproach, the same hatred he had been scared of since he had first made that deal with his grandfather. She would be disgusted in him, she would turn her back on him. He never wanted to believe that, he loved her too much, but it was one of his greatest fears. So, when he looked up at her and saw only shock in her expression, it made him hurt somehow, even worse than the damage his grandfather had done in the shed.

�Baby,� Anjaleque murmured, looking shocked and horrified as she looked at her oldest son.

Shi couldn�t take that look. He had always thought that her hating him would be the worst, but that look of equal fear and equal love was just as bad. It made him want to tell her everything. It made something inside of him crack, threatening to completely shatter. That was right, he realized, she wouldn�t look at him with hatred, because she didn�t know� didn�t know why he was hurt, but when she did� How had this happen? All these months� he had been so careful! He had lied and lied and lied� how could this have happened now, when he felt so weak, so vulnerable, after all this time struggling and fighting and hurting so bad, just to keep this secret from his parents, but especially from his mom, how could he have let this happen? How could he have been so careless?!

He couldn�t get out of this, couldn�t just shrug it off this time. There was blood everywhere, his blood. Hell, his mom was sitting in it and, looking down, the sight of her jeans and the short, light blue dress top that hung just over the pants, above the knee, stained with that blood sickened him. The realization that his mother�s clothes were covered in his blood was horrifying to him. What lie could he possibly come up with to make her stop looking at him like that, like the way she had looked in the hospital, wondering just how badly hurt he was? Like it was somehow her fault, for not protecting him? What story could he tell to make her believe that this was just an accident, something that wasn�t important? In that moment, there was nothing. Usually, there were so many things buzzing in his head, what could happen if she didn�t believe him, how to push all those bad feelings down, the consequences if he failed� but right now, there was nothing in his head at all. Only dead silence.

�I�� he started to say, but no more words would come to him.

�I fell, I cut myself, someone beat me up��

No matter what stupid excuse he came up with, he couldn�t say it. He knew, without any doubts, that his mother wouldn�t buy such stories. There was too much blood, and no matter what he said, she was going to want to know where he was hurt, she was going to find out� His mother cupped his cheeks and he was suddenly struck with this strange comparison between how rough his grandfather�s hands had felt on his bare skin, and how soft his mom�s hands felt. Her touch was gentle, her violet eyes filled with tears. He felt this intense love for her in that moment. He wanted to pretend that he was a little kid again, like before Eirie had been born. He wanted to let her hold him, rock him, tell him that everything was going to be alright now, that the nightmare was over. That he couldn�t do that made everything hurt inside of him. He wasn�t that person anymore and, right now, letting her treat him that way, letting her love him, was too dangerous to his heart right now.

�Sweet heart� who did this to you?� she demanded, her voice trembling and looking as horrified by all of this as Shi felt.

Who did this to you?
　

Shi nearly gasped at the burning pain that that question caused. He had that urge again to shove her away, feeling how deadly even her touch was. He felt his resolve crumbling. He couldn�t tell� couldn�t say anything� she couldn�t know� He didn�t realize it when he started to shake. Shi felt like this blinding white light of panic was replacing all the muddiness from his blacking out. He felt like he was going to start screaming at any second as over a year�s worth of secrets, nightmares, and just pure� stress threatened to spill out. He should lie, he realized. His mommy already knew why he was bleeding so badly, there was no way he could lie about what had happened, but couldn�t he lie about who had hurt him? And yet� yet there was something inside of him that made it impossible to do that. Even if he could, he doubted it would have sounded authentic.

�� If you ever tell anyone about me, I�ll gut your baby brother like a pig.�
Coldness clamped down on him and he almost threw up right there in the kitchen. He couldn�t tell� the pain it caused him didn�t matter� that was the one thing that had stayed with him all this time. He could never actually tell her� even if he did, his only reward would be to hurt her. If he didn�t tell, he felt like he was sacrificing himself again. His mother would always doubt him and, for the rest of his life, he would be tortured by �what if�, what if he had told, would he have been set free? Would all this pain and darkness have gone away? If he did tell, he would be putting his little brother�s life in danger, and he would be causing his mom pain, knowing that her dad had done this, or that her kid had agreed to do this. Whether she forgave him or hated him, she was just going to get hurt. She was already hurting, finding him like this. So� it was either him or two people he loved. What kind of choice was that?

Shi squeezed his eyes shut and curled in on himself, as though he thought he could actually hide from her pained stare. His hands clutched at his head, his fingers digging into his hair as he tried, desperately, to block out everything, his mother�s presence, his churning thoughts� all of it, but he just felt overwhelmed. His stomach hurt so bad� why did it hurt like this, Cree hadn�t hit him there�

�Shi!� Anjaleque cried out in alarm at Shi�s reaction to her question, how tight the muscles in his back were, the sheer panic on his face.

He wasn�t having such a violent reaction from what had happened, she realized in fear, it was just her asking him to tell her who had hurt him. She rubbed his clothed back, feeling that his muscles were even tighter than they looked, as though his entire body were having some kind of attack.

�Please, sweetheart,� she cried, �Please tell me what�s wrong! Who hurt you?!�

Shi could hear his mother sobbing, begging in a way that sounded so painfully sad and he shook his head frantically, unable to speak. She sounded so angry, but her touch on his back was soothing, so soothing� so full of the love that she always had for him. That love was breaking him, shattering his heart, his resolve, his strength. It made him feel like a baby, wanting to rely on his mom, on her ability to make everything bad go away.
Tell, tell, tell, tell, tell, tell�
Pain lanced through his stomach at those chanting thoughts, like a demand, or a challenge. His guts felt like they were tied in knots as his almost primal need to let go of that terrible secret waged battle against his self preservation and his fears about letting Eirie down. It was like a brick wall in his head, one covered in barbed wires. He gagged and dry heaved, his stomach trying to purge itself of poison that wasn�t actually in there, poison in the form of immense stress. Anjaleque hugged him to her stomach, cradling him like he was still a little boy and she could still protect him everything, just by wrapping her arms around him. In reality, she felt powerless and useless as a mother, like her tears would never stop and that was the only way she could show her son that she wanted to help him.

What on earth was going on with her child? She hadn�t been gone all that long, and her father had been here for most of that time. He had called when he had left and, according to him, Shi and Eirie had been in the house the entire time, so what could have happened in that short of time? Who had done this to her baby?! She wasn�t a doctor, but she knew enough what that much blood, on the inner thighs of his jeans were she could see, meant. Just the thought of what had happened filled her with this indescribable, maternal rage. She wanted to find the bastard who had done this and castrate him! She wanted to wrap Shi up in a mountain of blankets and take him far away, where no one could hurt him ever again.

Wasn�t it enough that Shi had been suffering so much lately? Wasn�t it enough that he had been walking around this house like a ghost, that he had had a mental break? And now this� the worst part of it was that she didn�t know what to do, didn�t know how to make this better. Should she be demanding that he tell her everything? Would that make him feel safer, her being able to go after that person? Or should she not be pushing him this hard? Shi had always been able to tell her anything, but lately, it had felt like he had caged his heart up in a steel box, hiding it away from the world. This was going to make it worse, wasn�t it? She could feel him pushing away from her right now, and not just physically. She could see it in his red eyes, the desire to just run away from her, to hide. But no matter what she should do, she just couldn�t let him do that. Her love for him was overwhelming her, telling her to do so many things that she felt paralyzed, unsure of herself, especially as a mother.

His mom�s hands on his back were so soothing� so wonderful� and they were making him cry harder. This was all he wanted� just her touch, telling him that she was there and that, for now, she loved him. That was all he had ever wanted� her acceptance and her love. He felt like he was drowning in those thoughts, as that other part of him screamed that it was Eirie who mattered. Who cared if his mommy loved him, so long as his little brother was safe. It was Eirie who deserved this, not him. Not anymore. But it was hard to listen to those thoughts when his loneliness, his insanity, was swelling up, wanting so very badly to curl up in her arms and tell her everything, to finally� finally, after almost two years, to unburden that darkness inside of his heart. He felt scattered� like in that one moment, when he had killed that boy, had worn something inside of him thin and restless. Ever since then, something had changed inside of him, like he could actually feel the madness that had been building in him, like he was losing control over everything in his life, even the deal.

Anjaleque cupped Shi�s cheeks again, making him look at her. He looked terrible, his eyes red from crying, his skin so white, he looked like a corpse. She almost shuddered, realizing very suddenly in a startling conviction, that Shi looked exactly like how her brother had looked, the last time she had seen him alive. Maybe he didn�t have that maniacal gleam in his eyes, but that same desperation, that hopelessness, was there. And the loneliness. Or should she say, that isolation? He looked broken, shattered. It made her want to scream out in denial, or gather him close, as though she foolishly thought she could hold all the broken pieces of him together.

�I am your mother,� she said with a strong conviction, suddenly so very sure of what she needed to say to him, although she didn�t know how she knew, �And I will always be your mother. No matter what you have to tell me, no matter how much you think it will hurt me, or I�ll be mad at you, I will always love you, just as much as I always have.�

Shi�s shock at her words hurt her deeply as she realized that she had succinctly found what was causing him such stress. How could he think that she would stop loving him because of this? Was she such a terrible mother that her older son thought that her love was that conditional, that it was conditional at all? She didn�t realize it, but the strength and love and conviction in her voice made that barrier around Shi�s heart shatter into a thousand pieces, and once it broke, he had no hope of building it back up again. He finally let go of everything that was holding him back and wrapped his arms around his mother�s waist, pressing against her as closely as he could.

�Mommy,� he whispered, his voice tight and strained.

Anjaleque eased him, gently, into her lap. Between his long legs and her fears about his injury, it was difficult, but she had the sudden need to have him close to her. She could feel him shaking in her arms and worried that he might be sick again. Shi�s fingers grasped his mother�s top tightly, feeling this odd calm, almost like release. For the first time in over a year, he didn�t think about his brother.

�Granddad�� Shi said hoarsely, his heart pounding harshly in his chest, his thoughts screaming at him angrily, �Granddad was the one who hurt me.�

A cold tremor went through Anjaleque. For a moment, she was sure, so absolutely sure, that she had misheard what Shi had just said, but it was fleeting. His grandfather� her father� she wanted to believe that Shi had to be mistaken, that there was no way that her father would have� would have done something so terrible, and to his own grandchild! She wanted to deny it� Shi had to be traumatized and confused� but how could she? After begging him to tell her, after telling him that she would love him no matter what he had to say, how could she possibly insist, to his face, that he was wrong?

And suddenly, it made sense. Shi hadn�t wanted to tell her, because it was her own father who had done this. He hadn�t wanted to come between them, hadn�t wanted to cause her that kind of pain, and hadn�t wanted her to have to chose between loving him and loving her father. In Shi�s mind, did he really believe that she would chose her dad over her son? He must, if he was making himself sick over telling her the truth. But he didn�t realize that what was causing her the most pain wasn�t him, wasn�t his admission. Who had hurt her was her dad, not Shi. And really, who else could have done this? Shi hadn�t left the house, and if he had, he would have gone with Eirie, not by himself.

Hadn�t she wondered who could have possibly ra� she shuddered at the mere thought of it� raped Shi when so little time had passed between her father leaving and her coming home? The possibility should have entered her mind, that the most obvious answer to that question was that he was the culprit. It would have been easy. Shi might be big for his age, but with only himself and Eirie here, what would have stopped her father from doing whatever he wanted. But why?! Why would he do this?! He was getting along so well with his grandchildren, then all of a sudden� this.

Anjaleque groaned in pain, starting to cry as the truth of it finally hit her. Her father had raped her baby. His reasons didn�t matter. He had hurt her child and he had hurt her. Was this all her fault? Had she could have stopped this? If she had only just stayed home today� this wouldn�t have happened, right? Would Jonathan blame her? He had never liked the idea of Cree spending so much time with their kids. No matter what her father had done for them, her husband had never forgiven him for what he had done to her and Odin and he had never really believed that her father had changed enough. Would he rub her face in this? She knew that her father would. If she had trusted someone against Cree�s will, and that someone ended up hurting one of her children, he would have made her feel miserable about it. Jonathan was a better man than him, though. Even when she had thought her dad had gotten better, she had always known that her husband was a better father, more honest and kind and strong than her father could ever hope to be.

The second that those words were out of Shi�s mouth, he was so sure that his mother would shove him away. That she would yell at him, accusing of lying, or worse, accusing that it was all his fault. So, when she instead hugged him tightly, he was so startled that he flinched a little. Didn�t she get it? He had just told her that her father had had sex with him. Wasn�t she disgusted? Wasn�t she ashamed of him? Wasn�t she angry that he had told her that at all? Beyond his shock, he felt this� this incredible relief. Did this mean that she still loved him? He had told her this terrible secret that he had been keeping for so long and she didn�t outright hate him for it� little by little, something inside of him, something tight and painful, was letting go. Even the release of that thing hurt quite a bit.

Then, he felt his mother shaking against him and she made this sharp, low noise, like a mother bear that had discovered her dead cub. She was crying� of course she was. If he had found out that his own dad had done something awful like this, he would have been hurt, too. He matched his grip on her with hers. He never should have told� in the end, he had just hurt her.

�I�m sorry, Mommy,� he apologized, tugging a little on her dress, trying to be as soothing and protective as she was with him, �I didn�t mean to hurt you.�

Anjaleque almost laughed, she might have, if she didn�t feel so cold inside. She had dared to trust her father, after everything he had done to their family; making her mother leave, refusing her brother care until he had killed himself, all those terrible things he had said to her when she had gotten pregnant� She had been the one foolish enough to open her heart to him again, but it was Shi who had taken the brunt of it all, Shi who her father had struck out against, for reasons she just didn�t understand, not until Shi decided to tell her everything, and she wasn�t even sure that she wanted to know, wasn�t sure that she wanted to push him that hard. And yet, although he was suffering because of her own foolish actions, he was apologizing for her pain, as though he had been the one to cause it.

And maybe he did think it was his fault. It was such a terrible possibility to her, that her son could think that the pain that she was feeling in her heart right now was his fault, that he might be thinking right now that it would have better to have kept quiet about the whole thing, to bottle it up inside. As much as the truth hurt, she didn�t want that. She didn�t want Shi to lie, to suffer in silence, just so she could remain oblivious. And in the end, just the knowledge that he had been attacked wouldn�t have let her rest.

If he had stayed quiet, it would have just eaten at her. And if he had lied, that would have been just as bad. She wanted to punish the person who had done this, even if it was her own father. So, in a way, she was glad that Shi had told her the truth and didn�t want him to think that so much of an ounce of her pain was his fault, his responsibility. All that mattered right now was his pain, not hers. She was his mother� how could she possibly put herself before him? But� this was so much like Shi, her little soldier, always so responsible, always protecting them�

It struck her then, her violet eyes widening in realization. He hadn�t wanted to tell her� if she hadn�t pushed him, hadn�t demanded so vehemently that he tell her the truth, he wouldn�t have. He had been trying to protect her, like how he had protected Eirie from that bully, not caring even a little about his own needs. What else was her baby not telling her? What other secrets did he have? And worse� what about� this was he keeping quiet about? She pried his hand off of her top and held it in hers. She remembered when those hands had been so tiny, how every time she had held them, she had felt like she was suffocating them in her own. It hadn�t seemed all that long ago at all, but now, they seemed so big to her, closer to the hands of a teenaged boy than those of a ten year old child. Why did that surprise her so much? And why did it make her feel so sad suddenly?

�Baby,� she said softly, �you don�t ever have to apologize for that.�

Shi felt tears welling up, despite himself. Didn�t she get it? Because of him� because of him, she had to chose between him and her father. He had hurt her, his own mother, one of the very few people that he never wanted to hurt, even just a little bit, all because he hadn�t been able to keep it together. He had lost control over everything. Something had broken inside of him� had he done this subconsciously? Had he allowed his guard down, hoping that someone would find him like this, that someone would find out what was going on? Had he done it because he just wanted it to stop? That was one of the chorusing thoughts that had entered his head when Cree had said that� that they were the same.
�I�m tired. I just want to put an end to this.�
The deal, the hiding, the shame, the sickness in his head and in his heart� somewhere beyond the horror he had felt, hearing his grandfather call him evil, he had thought that terrible, awful thing. That it would be better if he just put an end to it. He realized it just now. When he had thought that� he had shattered. He had thought he could endure anything, that nothing his grandfather did to him would make him crack, would make the resolve to keep silent, to protect Eirie at any cost, to break. But, somewhere along, he had broken under the pressure and those things he had said, hurting him so violently� it had all been just too much for him. Was he that weak? That pitiful? Was he that powerless to protect anything, even his own beliefs? How had it turned out like this? Had he really fallen asleep in this kitchen, bleeding everywhere, believing that it would be better for his mom or dad to find him here and finally know the truth? Finally�

Or had he not necessarily wanted resolution? Rather� subconsciously� had he just wanted someone to punish him?

�That�s right, I�m evil. But if that�s true, then I was born that way, it�s in my blood� and it�s in yours, too.�
Shi had the impulse to slam his head into something again, to hurt himself so badly that those thoughts, that memory, couldn�t reach him. But it was impossible now. Had he just wanted someone to punish him? Had he wanted to throw everything away, his parents� love, even his brother�s safety, so they could point the finger at him and lay that final judgment on him? Evil. Did, somewhere deep down inside, did he want his parents to look at him so accusingly and scream that?

He had done terrible things. He had let his grandfather have sex with him. He had touched Vel with his filthy hands and filthy mouth. He had lied, over and over again. He had killed a boy. He had gotten to the point where his love for his brother hadn�t been enough to buy his silence, he had let himself become weak and pathetic, thinking only of his own pain. He had let that selfishness put his brother in danger. And he had let that surrender taint his mother�s love for, not only him, but her own dad. He had done all of these terrible, awful, evil things, but he had not been punished. He should be punished. He should be made to feel all the things that he had done to that boy.

Yes, he had tried to hurt his brother, but somehow, it was impossible for him to see it as just defending Eire. Maybe it had been that way at first, but if that was true, shouldn�t he have stopped once the boy had stopped moving? Stopped breathing? But he had kept going. At some point, it had stopped being about Eirie and had been about releasing that anger. He had taken his rage at his grandfather and himself out on another human being. That boy hadn�t had anything to do with Cree, but he had used him as an outlet. He could never forgive himself for that. He had thought that, as long as his parents could forgive him, he could forgive himself, but that was a lie. It would mark him forever as a monster. It made Cree right. If Cree was evil, then he was evil, too.

No, he was worse than Cree. His grandfather had wanted to hurt his mother for superficial reasons, so he had taken it out on his grandkid. Shi had wanted to hurt Cree, too, but wasn�t it also for superficial reasons? So Cree had raped him. He had let him do it. He called it noble because it was to save Eirie, but in the end, he hadn�t tried to just get Eirie out of the house. Hadn�t tried to call his parents or the cops. He had just said yes. And now, he was pissed at him to the point that he had killed another person for it. An innocent bystander. That was so much worse than giving someone a choice to save someone they loved, wasn�t it? What right did he have to be pissed at Cree for having sex with him? He was the one who had agreed to it. If there was anyone who deserved to be destroyed by his rage, it was himself. Only himself.

He deserved to be punished. Not Cree. Himself. He should have been the one to die, not that boy. He deserved his mother�s anger, deserved her turning her back on him forever. So why, why was she just� forgiving him?! She may not know about the deal, but she still knew that he and Cree had had sex, so how could she look at him with love in her eyes?! He wanted to scream at her, �hate me! Hurt me!� Because that was what he deserved. He was evil, just like Cree had said. If Cree deserved to be punished for the choice he had given him, then Shi deserved to be punished for agreeing to it! And at the same time he knew that his mother should hurt him for all of this, there was still that part of him that craved her love, craved her acceptance, and that was wrong. He needed her to punish him, because he was too weak to punish himself.

�No,� he croaked, tears pouring down his face, �I do have to apologize! Don�t you get it? It�s all my fault! The reason why you�re hurting� it�s because of me! I�m just as much to blame for this as he is! I shouldn�t have told you! I should have fought back harder! I�m just as bad as he is!�

Shi was screaming at this point, his face red from exertion and crying so hard, so violently that his chest throat actually hurt from it. Anjaleque, in her shock, was at a loss to how to pull him out of his fit. Shi couldn�t possibly believe all that� How could he think that he was as bad as her father for doing this to him? She didn�t care what the circumstances were, why Cree had done this to her son, it was his fault, not Shi�s. No matter what he was thinking or what he had to tell her, she knew that much. Did he really think that� that being raped was his fault, just because he hadn�t fought back enough? She knew that it was a common psychosis for rape victims, that it had to be somehow their fault, that they had brought it on and that they had deserved it, but it she couldn�t lump her son in as a �rape victim�, couldn�t think of him as just a percentage. It hurt too much.

�Shi, don�t say that,� she admonished lightly, trying to hide the pain she was feeling for his sake, �None of this is your fault! Yes, I�m in pain, but that�s your grandfather�s fault, not yours. It hurts to know that my own father would hurt one of my children. It hurts to know that he has caused someone I love pain and it hurts that, just now, he tried to hide it all from me. But what really hurts is that I�ve failed you as a mother. I couldn�t protect you. I couldn�t even tell when your grandfather was lying to me on the phone, sounding so calm after� after he had done this to you!�

Shi shook his head vehemently, clenching his hands in the soft material of her dress, still crying, but now silently.

�No! You aren�t a bad mom! This� this isn�t your fault� you didn�t fail me, I was just� I was too weak to stop it�� he cried, feeling incredibly pitiful as he tried to assure her that, just because he couldn�t have stopped Cree from having sex with him, it didn�t mean that she was a failure.

Anjaleque touched the side of his face gently, sweeping back his long hair. Shi had to fight from closing his eyes and leaning into that touch, to just letting go of everything and falling back into that abyss of sleep.

�You can�t mean that,� Anjaleque insisted, �Do you really think that, if you had just fought harder, you could have stopped this?�

Shi nodded, his tears wetting her hand.

�Oh, baby,� she whispered and hugged him tightly.

It was incredibly relaxing, resting his head against his mother, listening to her heart beat as he curled against her. He could feel her stroking his hair and gave into the urge to close his eyes, but not to fall asleep. Her arms were warm around him and the pain he had been feeling in his lower body didn�t feel quite so intense. He wanted to melt away into her embrace, to disappear from the rest of the world and just stay here, forever. It was such a childish desire, one he hadn�t felt in a very long time.

�I know you think it�s up to you to carry the world on your shoulders,� she said softly, rocking him as much as she could, �And I know you�re mature and big for your age, but you�re still a child and your grandfather is an adult. No matter how strong you are, he is stronger. It was his responsibility to use that strength to protect you, but he chose to hurt you instead. It wasn�t anyone�s fault but his. He chose to act. No one chose for him. You didn�t make him hurt you, Shi, that�s why it isn�t your fault. There was nothing you could do to stop him.�

Her words should have hurt him. Hearing that there was nothing he could have done, that he was powerless, should have been frightening. Hearing that he wasn�t as strong as his grandfather, and that was why he had been raped should have bothered him. Instead, he felt only relief. His mom didn�t think it was his fault? There was nothing he could have done? No matter he had done� everything would have turned out the same� If he was powerless, that only meant that the responsibility was out his hands, right? It wasn�t his fault, it was Cree�s� he wanted to believe that so badly� he wanted to believe, like he always had in the past, that his mother knew more than him, that she was always right.

He clenched at her clothes more tightly and burrowed against her chest. He wanted to believe that she could forgive him for everything, even if he didn�t believe he deserved forgiveness. Even if it wasn�t his fault, how could he let go of the belief he had clung to for almost two years? Even if that belief was painful� Shi realized then that there was no way he could ever believe that she didn�t blame him, that it really wasn�t his fault unless she knew everything. If she knew about the deal, that Cree didn�t just rape him out of the blue, but that he had let him do it for over a year now, would she be so sympathetic, so loving, or would she take everything back? Would she be disgusted with him? His mom was wonderful, so full of love, and so kind, but some part of him couldn�t accept the possibility that she loved him so much that she wouldn�t hate him for something that he hated himself for.

�Even if he gave me a choice?� Shi asked in a sobbing whisper, �Is it still isn�t my fault if I could have said no, but someone else would have been hurt? What if I could have stopped him, doesn�t that mean I let him do it?! If it�s my fault, isn�t it disgusting, isn�t it terrible?�

Anjaleque continued to stroke her son�s hair, even as her eyes widened and she felt her own tears streaming down her cheeks. What did he mean by that, that he had been offered a choice? Her hatred for her father grew and grew. She tried to understand what Shi was telling her. Cree hadn�t just forced himself on her child, he had given him a choice, to not tell anyone, to accept it, or Cree would hurt someone. Had he threatened Shi with someone he cared about? Would Shi have gone along with this if Cree had threatened to hurt Vel? She looked down at him as he curled up against her. His ruby eyes were half-lidded as he looked at nothing in a daze. Those eyes were still wet with the tears that stained his fair cheeks and were rimmed a raw red. He looked paler than usual, as though he were in shock, but mostly, he looked tired. Very, very tired, but also drained. She couldn�t even begin to know what he was feeling about all of this. Again, she wondered if it had been wise to force him to tell her all this, or if she should have waited until she had taken him to the hospital. But, if she had waited, would he have lost whatever it was that had allowed him to tell her so much?

Would Shi have agreed to let his grandfather rape him, to save Vel or someone else he loved from being hurt? Of course he would. That answer came to her easily as she looked at him and smiled lovingly. He had always been like that. When people looked at him, they labeled him as a trouble maker. His eyes were a strange color, he was too tall, and his hair was too long. He only had one friend and he just looked like one of those boys that didn�t care about being good, or about what anyone thought of him, so he acted out. They didn�t care what he was really like.

espite what Shi looked like, he was the sweetest, most sensitive boy she had ever met. When Dr. Harris had told her that Shi had an unhealthy obsession with protecting his little brother, she could easily believe that. He loved so easily, so completely, and had always acted like the world indeed rested on his shoulders, like it was his duty to protect everyone. That her father had preyed on that love, had used that wonderful quality to hurt her child made her feel enraged. And betrayed.

�Protecting ourselves is something that is the nature of every living thing, Shi,� she told him, �I think it�s easier to make a decision to save ourselves, to protect ourselves from pain. It takes a lot of courage to choose to save someone else, especially if it means hurting ourselves. I don�t blame you for what happened, even if you chose to� to let your grandfather do that to you. Even if you had a choice, he still took advantage of you, it was still his fault, for even giving you that kind of choice! It couldn�t have been an easy decision for you and he had no right to place that on you! He manipulated you and hurt you, not just physically, and I will never forgive him for that! And I will also never blame you, sweetheart. You did what you thought you had to, to protect someone you loved. Anyone with a good heart would have made the same choice. I know my father, and I know that, regardless of what choice you had made, once he had decided to act, nothing would have stopped him. Even if you had told him no, to hurt that other person, he would have taken from you whatever he wanted. You couldn�t have stopped him.�

Shi looked up at her, his red eyes wide in shock. Anjaleque could feel him trembling against her and wondered if she had said the right thing. He looked like a ghost as he tried to comprehend her words, then, like a switch had been thrown, he started to cry again and buried his head against her. She was alarmed that she had said something really terrible and insensitive, but this time was different. His sobbing sounded almost� relieved. Like, instead of because he was trying to bottle up something painful, making those harsh cries sound strained, he sounded like he was releasing something from deep inside. For the first time, she wondered something. Cree couldn�t have� attacked Shi all that long ago, but the way he was acting� the way he was crying, it was as though he was letting go of something he had been holding onto for a long time. She wondered if her words had hit upon that thing inside of him that had been making him so miserable lately, the thing that had brought on his mental breakdown. Had he been blaming himself for something, something that he thought she would never forgive him for?

Was this what forgiveness felt like, Shi thought as he cried harshly against his mother. Was this relaxing, comforting, blissful feeling in his heart forgiveness? If so, he suddenly understood why people went to confession, why they prayed to God after they had done something sinful, begging for absolution. To be forgiven by someone, to know that they loved you, even though you had done something bad� it was one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. He could feel all that coldness, that dark hole in him, closing up and melting away. His mommy loved him. More than that, she didn�t even think that it was his fault. To her, it was only Cree�s fault. He didn�t give that possibility much thought because, right then, it didn�t matter to him at all whose fault it was, only what his mother thought of him. Only that she still loved him.

Tiredness hit him at that moment like a wagonload of bricks. How much time had passed since he had fallen asleep? He wasn�t disillusioned into thinking that he had actually rested, more like run away from reality as fast and as thoroughly as he could. He didn�t think it was because of the blood loss so much as complete emotional overload. And suddenly, being awake didn�t matter to him one bit. Then, it hit him. He didn�t have to worry anymore. He didn�t have to think about how much time he would have before Cree came back again. That thought made him stop crying like a switch had been thrown.

It wasn�t solely on his shoulders anymore. Protecting Eirie, keeping this secret� his mom knew. The only thing that she didn�t know was that it was Eirie who was in danger, but after all the things he had told her so far, he wouldn�t struggle with that. But� he could let his mother take care of everything. She wouldn�t let Cree come back now, right? Even if she did� just her knowing about what was going on took an enormous weight from him. For the first time in almost two years, he felt like his stagnant, frozen life was starting again. It was his own.

He felt� not in control, but almost. He suddenly thought of all the things he could do. He could be with Vel, without feeling all this guilt and pain, struggling not to let his dark secret come pouring out, to leech off of his best friend�s overwhelming kindness. He didn�t have to worry about any of that anymore. He could just be with the boy he loved and not feel so scattered. He still could never ever tell him what was going on, but he felt like he didn�t have to. His mother knew. That was enough for him. If Vel was oblivious, that was perfect to him. He knew that he should be able to tell him anything, but not this. His best friend�s opinion of him was more important.

Anjaleque felt her son sag against her, as though he had fallen asleep, but his eyes were still open. Relief flooded her as she heard him stop crying. Even though she was fairly sure that he hadn�t been crying because she had hurt him, saying all that, her maternal instincts couldn�t take the sound of her child�s tears. However, she was still worried. He felt lifeless in her lap, his breathing going shallow, and she felt anxious as she looked around her at the blood that stained the kitchen floor, the blood that she could feel on her clothes. Shi wasn�t bleeding like he had been when she had found him, collapsed on the cold floor and shaking like he had been out in a snow storm, but there was just too much of it for her to relax.

She was worried that he might be going into shock from the blood loss. Frankly, she was a teacher, not a nurse, and knew nothing about medicine besides how to treat for the common cold. Even if the bleeding was stopping, she wouldn�t be able to relax until she heard from a doctor that her baby wasn�t too badly hurt, and she was afraid that that wasn�t going to be the case. Again, she felt rage towards her father. It wasn�t enough that he had do something that� that terrible and disgusting, he had to have hurt Shi so badly as well? Her mother had been the religious one in their family, and though Anjaleque made sure that her family went to church every Sunday, she had never been especially pious and, lately, hadn�t thought about God at all. But now, her one prevailing thought was her surety that there was a special place in Hell for men like her father, men who did nasty things to, not only children, but their own blood.

�C�mon, Shi,� she prodded gently, trying to get him to perk up again, knowing how hard it would be to carry her tall child to the car.

For the first time, she wondered what she was going to do about Eirie, what she was going to tell him about why his big brother was so sick, why his grandfather wasn�t coming over anymore, no way in hell. She wondered if she should just leave him in the house alone, or take him to the hospital with them, but that would just make the five year old ask questions that she knew neither she or her older son had the strength to answer right now. How could she possibly make a boy Eirie�s age understand such things, when she knew there was no way she would tell him the truth. She could barely handle what had happened to Shi herself, that it had happened to her ten year old. She never wanted Eirie to know what �rape� meant, at least not until he was a teenager.

And what was she going to tell Jonathan when it was such a struggle for her to think about it? She wondered what they were going to do about school and Shi�s counseling sessions. He had had such a hard time telling his own mother, would he be able to tell Dr. Harris? Should she even let him go and tell Harris herself what had happened, so she could try to help him, or give Shi a breather? She certainly didn�t think she should be letting him go to school so soon. He was already anxious because of his assault on that boy, but now this� how could she expect him to go when she felt tied up in knots about it? She had no idea what she should do about any of it. But for now, all she could feel concerned about was Shi�s health. She would just have to call her husband and tell him to come right away, to look after Eirie while she took Shi to the hospital, that was all.

�We have to get you to the hospital, ok, love?� Anjaleque couldn�t quite keep the worry about her voice, �But I need for you stand up, do you think you can do that?�

Panic hit Shi like a shock wave and, instantly, all of his relief vanished. A hospital? He shook his head at his mother. No� no, he couldn�t go there!

�C�mon now,� his mother urged, �No one�s going to do anything to hurt you anymore, I promise, but we need to get you checked out-�

�No!� Shi screamed, shaking his head violently.

He couldn�t go there. If he went and a doctor saw his injuries, then they would know. Everyone would know! They would ask what had happened and his mom would tell them.

�I can�t go there!� he protested, �I don�t care if anyone hurts me! Eirie-,�

Shi suddenly felt like he had been slapped and sat there, completely still, his red eyes wide in shock. He had told. He had really told. The one thing he had promised himself that he would never do� and he had done it. Even if his mom didn�t take him to the hospital, she still knew. She was going to confront Cree sooner or later and Cree would know that Shi had broken their promise and he would hurt Eirie� How could he have done that? He had betrayed his little brother� How had he thought that this was ok? Was he really that selfish, to think that everything was ok just because his mom forgave him?! Just because she knew, it didn�t guarantee that Eirie would be safe! To think that his mother had that kind of power, to stop Cree with just a word, was just so childish! He felt his mother touch his face and he look up at her. The complete look of terror on his face frightened her and, for a moment, she was struck speechless.

�Shi, it�s ok. We�re not going to tell Eirie what happened. He won�t know, no one will, unless you want them to,� she tried to reassure him, mistaking his fear of his own actions for one of shame at some unknown doctor and his own brother finding out that he had been raped.

Pain filled Shi�s heart. He had failed� he hadn�t even thought about Eirie finding out about that. He had thought that the worst thing ever would be failing Eirie, but that wasn�t it, not at all. The worst would be seeing the look in his baby brother�s eyes when he realized that his big brother, his protector, was full of shit. That the person he had been trusting to save him, the person he looked up to and thought was so strong and impervious, was so damned weak. Seeing his brother lose faith in him, and rightfully so, would that be the last blow to his frail heart?

After this, if anything bad happened to Eirie, it would be all his fault, there was no logic in all the world that would be able to convince him of otherwise. And when Cree did come to hurt Eirie, would he let him know that it was because of Shi that he had to feel pain? That thought made him tremble and he doubled over, retching again and very thankful his stomach was empty. Again, that sharp pain in his stomach hit him, making him feel like his guts were trying to crawl up his throat. Why was this happening? Why did this hurt so much? Why couldn�t he control himself anymore? When the spasms in his throat and stomach finally stopped, Shi very dimly realizing that his mother had been calling his name since he had doubled over, and he clutched at her again, desperately. He looked up at her with such a pleading expression, Anjaleque thought she might cry again, though she didn�t understand why her son looked like that.

�Please!� he begged, �You can�t take me to the hospital! If you do, Eirie�s going to get hurt!�

Anjaleque�s eyes were wide as she looked down at him, trying to piece his words together. What she came up with made her finally understand why Shi looked so horrified.

�Shi� is� is Eirie the one that your grandfather�� she couldn�t even get the words out.

She felt her son tug on her dress so hard, she could feel the material straining, ready to tear, but all she could consciously care about was the ashen look on Shi�s face and the tears in his eyes, how desperate and insane he looked. How much he looked like Odin�

�This isn�t the first time granddad�s hurt me,� he confessed in a strained, raw, croaking voice, his throat aching from all the dry heaving he had done.

Anjaleque took in his words with a quaking feeling in her heart. She wondered how much more she could take. All of this� it just felt like a dream all of a sudden. A very bad, vivid dream that she was waiting to wake up from.

�When did it start?� she asked as calmly as she could, even as she felt her heart beating wildly in her chest.

Shi looked away from her, feeling shame welling up inside of him, even though he knew, logically, she already knew the worst of it, already knew that he had sold himself to save someone that he loved. But� what was that saying? That the devil was in the details? Just trying to speak, to tell someone for the first time, what exactly had happened on that night a year ago, was so difficult for him. He lowered his head and curled up against her again. He knew just how childish he was being, but something deep inside of him cried out in comfort every time he laid against her like this, something almost primitive. He felt her arms wrap around him again and that part of him quieted happily.

�The day� the day he came over to the house the first time,� Shi murmured.

Anjaleque took a shuddering breath. A year� this had been going on for a year? And suddenly, brutally and violently, it all clicked into place for her, like the cogs of some terrible torture machine. The reason why her father had seemed so angry when she had told him that they didn�t want him visiting so much anymore� Shi�s sicknesses every time he came over� how he had reacted that night, so distant, not even wanting her to tuck him in� his nightmares, his eating habits� all those changes� and� and� she gasped to herself silently. His mental breakdown. His guilt. Him being so worried that Eirie was scared of him after killing that boy� She wondered how she would feel, if she had let something like that go on for as long as it had, to make the decision to save someone she loved, someone who was young and sweet and innocent, only to have some classmates, a threat she hadn�t even considered, threaten it all.

She tried to imagine the sort of rage and pain that would come from that, the threat of failure, after going through so much. She couldn�t. She couldn�t even imagine what had been going through Shi�s head at the time, or even if she was just looking into things that weren�t there, but the possibility that Shi had snapped because it had been Eirie whom her father had threatened made too much sense to her. It brought too much unbearable clarity. The rage and poisonous hatred she felt towards her father grew and grew with each word that Shi spoke and she clutched at him, would have clutched at him as tightly as he was holding her dress if she hadn�t been so worried about hurting him.

�Tell me. Please tell me what he did, Shi,� she begged, feeling that, for once, that barrier that separated them as mother and child breaking down, leaving them only as equals, two people in pain, and all of a sudden, she needed that.

She needed him to tell her. She needed him to put that pain on her shoulders, so she could bear it for him. Or at the very least, so that the pain they felt could be the same. The little blonde was silent for a couple of seconds, but Anjaleque felt no urge to prod him. She knew, someone, even before he began to speak, that he would tell her everything. There was something in the air, something that she couldn�t even begin to name, but it was electric, like the way the air felt right before a terrible storm.

�After you two left, I put Eirie to bed,� his mother�s words were like some kind of spell, he felt none of the hesitancy from earlier, and he held nothing back, �Granddad cornered me in my room. He said� he asked me if I loved Eirie. I told him I did, more than anything in the world and when he asked me if I would do anything for him, I told him that I would.�

�That bastard,� Anjaleque felt, her tears bursting forth and they poured down her cheeks as she rested her head on top of her child�s, �that bastard.�

It was the only thing she could think, over and over, �that bastard�. She had thought it before, but now knew it for a fact, Cree had used the love Shi felt for someone, not only that, but had also preyed on the responsibility she had always praised in him. He had turned it against him, had used it as a lethal weapon to get Shi to do whatever he wanted him to do. �That bastard.�

�He�� Shi struggled with his words slightly, �He touched me� It felt wrong, but when he said that he would do it to Eirie if I didn�t let him do it to me� I couldn�t, Mom, I just couldn�t tell him no�� he sniffed and squeezed his eyes shut, trying very hard to not let his memories from back then awake in his heart, tried not to let them hurt him like they had hurt him back then, �He said that if I fought back, if I ever told you or anyone else what he had done, he wouldn�t just rape Eirie, he would hurt him, to punish me! I� I didn�t know what to do! I let him� I let him do that� but it hurt! I thought that I wouldn�t be able to do it, that I�d let Eirie down! Afterwards, that was all I could think about, about what would happen if I did tell! But I was scared� scared that you might hate me for letting him do that, that you would think I was disgusting, that Granddad might really hurt Eir�� I couldn�t tell� I thought it would be better, if I was the only one hurting. If I was the only one suffering, then that deal was ok. But I just felt dirty and useless, like I was too weak to stop him, that it was my fault that Eirie was in danger. But it was my responsibility! I�m his big brother, so� so how could I ever tell? How?�

He could hear his mother sobbing and could feel her holding him so tightly, it actually hurt, but once he was done talking, all his sorrow and fear and shock left him and all he could fear was� tired. Very, very tired. All of a sudden, he wanted to fall asleep in her arms and have her rock him. He didn�t want to be awake anymore, didn�t want to feel anything anymore.

Was she the worst mother in the world? That was all Anjaleque could think as she listened to her son and cried. For a year� all this time� Shi had been in such pain. He had held a very dark secret in his heart and had felt so isolated� he had felt that there was no one in the world he could talk to and confide him. It had just built up inside of him until he had just snapped. Anything he had done or said in that time, she could never blame him for. Even killing that boy. Maybe it wasn�t entirely logical, but in her mind, her father was more guilty about that than Shi was. She wished that she could have him arrested for it, that pushing someone into that kind of darkness, to the point where they had broken down and hurt another person was more illegal than murder.

Her father had hurt her baby so much, but through it all, wasn�t she just as much to blame? This had been going on for an entire year, and she had never had any clue. She was his mother, and she had even noticed that he had seemed stressed, but she had never put it together with his bitterness towards his grandfather. She had taken the easy road and, instead of just sitting down and talking with Shi about it, she had just assumed that he was bitter because of Cree�s absence during his early childhood. She didn�t know if Shi would have told her the truth if she had taken that road, but she should have at least tried! He had been suffering and hurting and been violated, all while she and Jonathan had been enjoying their time alone! What sort of mother was she, that she hadn�t even noticed that it was Cree�s visits that had been hurting Shi so badly? And Shi� he was stronger than she had ever imagined, suffering in silence, just to save his little brother.

�Please,� Shi begged, �Please don�t take me to the hospital, please��

�Don�t worry, baby,� she soothed, stroking his hair, �No more, Shi, I promise. No more��

Something inside of Shi�s heart let go, hearing his mother�s promise, not so much in her words, but her tone, and he let all of himself go along with it, his eyes sliding shut. Anjaleque felt him sag against her and let go of him enough to examine his face, lax in sleep. It almost made her panic, how quickly he had fallen asleep. No, it was more like he had passed it. Was it just from emotional stress, she wondered, or was he going into shock? Again, the amount of blood on the floor worried her.

�Please.�

No more, Anjaleque agreed with herself. Her baby had been through enough. Doctors and her revenge against her father could wait. Right now, she needed to care for her child, and to love him. She felt like she hadn�t been, in letting all this go on behind her back. Earlier, she had thought that Shi was too big, and too hurt, for her to carry him, but now she gathered him close and picked him up as though he didn�t weigh anything at all. She didn�t think of it at all, especially when he wrapped his arms around her neck in his sleep and snuggled against her. She carried him up the steps and into his bedroom. Along the way, she heard noises coming from Eirie�s bedroom and the sound of wooden blocks being knocked together almost violently.

Somewhere deep inside, her maternal instincts flared, telling her that she should check on her younger boy. After all of this with Shi, she should make sure that Eirie was ok. She knew that she should at least let him know not to bother her and Shi, but she just couldn�t. Right now, she could tear herself from Shi�s side, even for her other child. She did have a brief moment when she nearly had a panic attack, entering Shi�s bedroom and realizing that she was going to have to somehow put Shi down and get his bloody clothes off him without staining the bed that she planned to lay him in, but it passed.

�Screw it,� she thought to herself in frustration. If she got blood on the cover on the end of the bed, she didn�t care if it stained, only making sure that Shi was comfortable.

She laid him at the end of the bed, dug out some pajamas from a drawer, and dressed him as gently, but quickly, as she could. As she took his bloody clothes off of him, she was hit by the realization of his injuries again. His jeans, at the very least, were clearly ruined. Guilt ate at her. Should she break her promise to him and take him to the hospital? For the first time since Shi�s confession that Eirie was in danger, she felt his fear. What if Cree really did try to hurt her little redhead? She would never deny Shi care if he needed it, but she couldn�t deny that his confession scared her.

For now, anyway, it looked like the bleeding had stopped and when she dressed him again, no blood stained the bottoms. When he woke up, she thought tiredly, she would give him a bath, just like she used to when he was little, but right now she was too scared of waking him up. Maybe she was being irresponsible, but she dimly knew that she wasn�t thinking very clearly at all right now. She tucked him in and snuck out of the room, making sure to keep the door firmly closed, just in case Eirie decided to come out of his room. She snuck down to the washing room, taking off her bloody dress and pants so she was only wearing her pale white slip, and stuffed all of the stained clothes into the washer for later. Then, just as quickly and quietly, she snuck back upstairs and into Shi�s room.

She smiled to herself as she saw that Shi was still very much deeply asleep. She lifted up the covers again and slid in behind him, wrapping her arms around him and letting the feeling of his familiar skin against hers to settle her quaking heart a little. As his arms touched hers, she felt overwhelmed at how long they were, how strong they felt, stuck between the boyish arms she was used to and the man�s that he would become much later. Again, she thought of the strength it must have taken for him to sacrifice so much, all for his little brother.

�Thank you,� she murmured against his neck as he dozed, oblivious, feeling tears build up in her eyes again, �Thank you for saving him� but, please� please don�t ever hurt yourself for someone else again, ok baby?� her words became soft, little more than a sleepy murmur, �And I promise I�ll be a better mommy� I promise��

Just like Shi, Anjaleque let her tiredness catch up to her and she fell into a deep, but troubled, sleep.
　

End Part 9
　

Ugh, haven�t updated this fic since the day before Halloween. That�s just tragic. I know, I know, you were all hoping for The Road to Kindness. I started writing them side by side, one page at a time, but at one point in this fic, I got into a tangent (probably the point when Shi is thinking that he wants to be punished) and PM got way ahead of TRTK. At that point, I just thought �screw it� and kept writing this to the end. And let me say this: this chapter was an ENORMOUS pain in the ass to write. Keep in mind I was writing this at the same time as I was writing TRTK with all that angsty drama, so I felt like I was on emotional overload. To this day, I don�t know if my depression this month made writing these two stories harder, or if the depressing nature of them created my depression, but it was very difficult. PM in particular had me crying as I was writing it one morning at one a.m. Never doing that again. By the time I hit 35 pages, I just kept thinking �enough already!�
I should know by now that I shouldn�t write TRTK and PM together, but my hand was forced. Basically (if you want the longer explanation, look it up at my live journal account), there is a part in Chapter 9 of TRTK where a huge spoiler in Shi�s story will be divulged. Sure, Chapter 9 is a far way away, but I have to start thinking about it. So, here�s the thing. If care about Shi�s story, the spoiler won�t make sense and will be kind of jarring unless PM has caught up to TRTK by then. So, I�m trying to write them together so I won�t have to stop writing TRTK to catch up with myself. If that does happen, TRTK will go on hiatus until PM has caught up. And yes, I know not everyone cares about Shi�s story, but it matters to me.
When searching for reviews to respond to in this fic, I realized something. There a TON of reviews for Violence + Sex = Love -.-

Sure, PM was updated just before I started reworking VSL, but sheesh. So, if you like VSL and are waiting for an update, I apologize. I will be working on it sooner or later, but I want to get some major plot points of PM and TRTK out of the way before I move on to other projects, as I�m pretty sure someone would kill me for leaving things hanging. It�ll definitely be Incubus next. I haven�t decided yet what will be after that, but probably Dearly Departed or something like that. After that, VSL will next. If someone did review PM, I�m sorry. I�m really, really tired right now from writing this story and watching the newest episode of Doctor Who (what is up with this season, anyway? Not to say it isn�t good, but holy shit, head explodey! And two homosexual references from an actor in two completely different shows *grin*).
Suffice to say, if someone did review (which would be a shock to me, since this story doesn�t appear to be a favorite, but I love it anyway), it was hugely appreciated and I love you ^_^

I need all the pick-me-ups I can get right now.
Fans of TRTK, do not fret! The next part is up to page 22, so it should be done shortly.
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Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows