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Disclaimer: Not mine

Warning: m/m love, attempted suicide. angst. Relena bashing, sorta


Heero

/Livin\' my life in a slow hell/

I look out the window. The view is beautiful, but something’s missing. I don’t know what it is. My balcony overlooks the gardens. But something’s always missing. What could it be? I live in a beautiful palace; I’m successful, rich, and handsome. What could be missing from my life?

/Different girl every night at the hotel/

I’ve got girls everywhere who want to be my girlfriend. I’ve got a princess as my girlfriend. Relena’s kind, warm, loving, bright, pretty, everything you could want in a girlfriend. What could be wrong with my life?

/I ain’t seen the sun shine in 3 damn days/
Long brown hair and blue eyes flash into my mind. “Duo …” That couldn’t be what was missing from my life. Duo, my best friend and ex-lover. How could this be? I’d broken up our relationship because I love Relena. Life with Duo was always so hectic. Life with Relena is mellower, calmer. Yet, happy memories of times with Duo keep flashing into my head. I can’t believe I’m still thinking of him even when I’ve already broken up with him.

Been fuelin\' up on cocaine and whisky/

I woke up the next morning, with a major hangover. It’s no use. I still feel the same way. Why must I persist in torturing myself? I love Relena. I know that I do. So how can I still be attracted to Duo?

/Wish I had a good girl to miss me/

Relena’s so wonderful. I can’t believe that she loves me. She’s too good for me. She doesn’t have to put up with me, but she does. But yet, I always feel like I’m not worthy of her. With Duo it was different. We were equal, we had the same blood stained hands. Relena is so clean, so pure. But whenever I’m gone, she doesn’t really care. When I was with Duo, he’d always squeeze me so tight that I couldn’t breathe, he was so afraid that I would disappear. But I guess he had a reason to be, because I did disappear in the end.

/Lord I wonder if I\'ll ever change my w
B
Blood stains my hands all the time. Even after the war is over, I keep having the same dreams over and over again. Every time, I wake up in a sweat. I remember when Duo used to wake me and hold me close. He understood what those dreams were like. Relena never can. She’ll never be able to. Duo was my confidant, he understood without having to be told. He had the same dreams, the same stains, he understood me. He never tried to change who I am. Relena sticks to too many of her ideals. Sometimes I wonder if its an ideal she loves, is it really me she sees? She’s always trying to change me. She can’t ever understand what it’s like to be trained to kill. To have nightmares about the war. To see all the people you’ve ever killed look at you with sad, pleading eyes. To fight because it’s the only thing you know. The only way you know how to live. To fight so that all the other people don’t have to. To protect everyone, to have to accomplish your mission or die trying. It’s something only soldiers can understand. Relena doesn’t know pain like we do. She doesn’t know any of the things that we do. She doesn’t understand why it is so important not to feel many emotions. We live in two different worlds, Relena and I.

/I put your picture away/

I’m trying to put him to the back of my head. What’s wrong with me? Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I keep remembering Duo all the time. I saw him before he left on his last mission. He was walking with Wufei. He was always pale and thin before, but now he was ashen and emaciated. There were great purple bags underneath his eyes. He stumbled and fell, and could hardly get up. Wufei helped him up and Duo leaned on him for a little while. For some reason I felt jealous. Jealous that Wufei and Duo might be going out. Jealous that there could be someone else in Duo’s life besides me. But why should I care? I should be happy for them right? They’re my best friends. So why do I feel so unhappy? Duo looked up and saw me standing in the hall. He smiled a little smile. He looked so tired, so sad. That wasn’t him at all. He was always everyone else’s backbone. He always made up funny things to cheer someone up. He didn’t really mind if we teased him or jokingly dissed him. He liked to make people happy. He liked to see people smile. I stared back at him and didn’t smile back. His eyes filled up with tears but they never fell. He never cried because “boys don’t cry.”

/Sat down and cried the day/

Boys don’t cry. But I did today. I cried while remembering the expression on his face. I cried remembering times before. I cried for the first time in 10 years. I just sat down and cried. I cried because Duo can’t cry. I’m surprised that I can actually cry. I’m usually totally unemotional. It was a necessary part of my training to be a soldier, I’d just forgotten what emotions were like until I’d met my friends.

/I can\'t look at you while I\'m lyin\' next to her/

I turn on my back and scoot to the edge of the bed, far away from Relena. She doesn’t notice, too obsessed in her own little world. I love her yes, but it’s not the love I thought it would be. She’s too much for me. She has her ideals, and I have mine, we’re too different to work it out. My love for her is respectful and loyal because she is our Queen. I was confused because I was unused to feeling emotions. She tries to change me, to make me into another one of her possessions. Duo just loved me for who I wauo auo and I are the same, the kind of love that I was looking for was the kind of love I already had with Duo. It’s Duo that I love, that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

/I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can\'t look at you while I\'m lyin\' next to her/

I miss Duo so much. The tears run down my face as I cry for the second time today. I wish I were back in Duo’s comforting arms. But after what I’ve done to him, how could he possibly want me back? I can’t believe that I was stupid enough not to realize what I really wanted, who I really loved. I really messed things up this time.

Duo

/I called you last night in the hotel/

I called you last night Heero. I can’t stop thinking about you all the time. Are you happy wherever you are? Are things working out with Relena? How could you treat me like that? Like I was some kind of toy, that when you’re tired with it, you just throw it away. Like how you threw me away. How can you be meant for someone else? My heart tells me that I was meant for you. I saw you the other day. I fell and Wufei picked me up. I looked up and you were staring at me. But it was like you didn’t want to recognize me, like you hated me. My eyes filled up with tears but I don’t cry. Boys don’t cry. Wufei’s making me take a break after this mission. He says I can’t go on living this way. He’s my backbone through all this. We’ve grown close, but he can’t take you place; no one can. Did you know that he loves Quatre? Only he’s too afraid to do anything. He thinks that Quatre’s too good for him. But he doesn’t know that Quatre also loves him. Quatre’s afraid too. He’s afraid that Wufei wouldn’t want to be with a weakling like him. But Quatre’s not weak. We know that he’s not. It’s strange how I’m telling you these things in my head isn’t it. Why do I feel the need to repto yto you? After you left me, you didn’t communicate with me once. It’s like I’m not even a friend anymore. You communicate with our other friends and I hear about you from them. They say you’re happy. That’s good, that’s all I ever wanted you to be. But when you were with me, were you happy? Is that why you left? Because you weren’t happy? Because Relena makes you happy? I still remember that awful day.

/Everyone knows but they won’t tell
But their half hearted smiles tell me
Somethin\' just ain\'t right/

I walked into the conference room. Everyone was whispering about something, but when I came in, they all shut up. They looked at me and smiled fake, half-hearted smiles. And there you were, looking at me, as if I was some kind of stranger. After the conference was over, you came back to the house with me. You didn’t say a word, just packed up your bags and left. Then I saw you with Relena, you were snuggling up close with her. You looked up and saw me, but there was no reaction. I turned around and ran, half expecting you to come after me. I wanted you to say that I was mistaken. That night all our friends were at the hospital. I know you don’t know what happened. I begged them not to tell you. I’d tried to commit suicide. I didn’t want you to come back out of guilt, and you might not come back anyway. I didn’t commit suicide to get you back. I’m not that kind of person. I wanted to die because of all the pain inside. I was so blinded by my grief; I didn’t know what I was doing.

/I been waitin\' on you for a long time/

I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. I’ll be here for you even after the end of time. I was your shoulder to lean on, but you were never mine. All the other stars in the sky move from time to time. The only one that stays in place is the North Star. So when you’re lost Heero, just look for me. I’ll always be there; I’ll be your north star.

/Fuelin\' up on heartaches and cheap wine/

Tonight’s the first night of my vacation. Wufei’s got Trowa over here as well so they can look after me. I’m gonna try to drink until I pass out and can’t dream about you. That way, I’ll be free from pain for a few hours. I’ve drunk 7 cans of beer already. I’m not drunk yet, but the beer seems to have gotten me talking. Or maybe its just that I can’t keep it bottled up anymore. I’m rambling on about how much you hurt me, as I turn on the TV. And then I see Relena announcing your engagement. That was the final straw for me. I guess I’d hoped that as long as you didn’t want to get married, there was always another chance for me.

/I ain\'t heard from you in 3 damn nights/

You still haven’t called. So I guess I’ll be the one to do it. I dial your number and wait until you pick up. “Hello?” you ask in your usual gruff, pissed off, no nonsense, get to the point tone. “Hi Heero!” I respond in an overly cheerful voice. I hope that it doesn’t seem forced to you. “I saw the announcement of your engagement! Congratulations!” I shouted in the phone. “Duo, are you all right?” Heero asked. “Of course I’m all right! Why wouldn’t I be? Because you left me? That doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy that you’re going to be happy does it? And you must be really stuck up to think that I’m still sad about you after a year. I can get another person anytime I want!” I screamed at you. “Duo …” Your voice trailed off as I hung up on you. I didn’t want to hear anything else you had to say. Even after a year, I was still sad, and I would always be now wouldn’t I?

/I put your picture away
I wondeere ere you’ve been
I can\'t look at you while I\'m lyin\' next to him/

I started to smash everything around me. Everything had been kept the same since you’d left. It had been comforting to me to have some things left of you, but now they only brought pain. I took some knives from the kitchen and threw them at all the sofas and chairs we’d bought together. Then I took the knives out and slashed the sofas and chairs. I took Wufei’s sword and sliced them into, literally, ribbons. Next I took the pictures of you and me and threw them against the wall. The frames shattered into tiny little pieces. That however, was no comparison to the number of the many fragments and the size of these fragments of my shattered heart. Trowa and Wufei grabbed my arms and restrained me before I could do anything else. They carried me into the bedroom and knocked me out. I woke up with one on either side of me sleeping. My head hurt so much. I looked over and saw the picture I kept of you next to my bed. You were glaring at the camera, I remembered I tried to imitate your glare once and Wufei told me I looked constipated. I got back at him by replacing his wardrobe with pink, fluffy dresses. I reached towards your picture and put it face down so that I couldn’t see it anymore.

/I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can\'t look at you while I\'m lyin\' next to him/

I slowly scooted off the bed so that I wouldn’t wake Trowa and Wufei up. I crept over to the drawer of the desk and pulled it out. My gun was hidden in there. I ran a finger along its shiny, smooth side lovingly. We’d had many memories together and it had rescued me many a time.

/I saw you yesterday with an old friend/

I was rushed to the emergency room again. Damn Trowa and Wufei had woken up just when I had the gun pointed to my heart. My gun had been knocked aside so that the bullet narrowly missed its target. And now Quatre has the nerve to let you into my hospital room.

/ It was the same ole same ‘How have you been?\'/

You ask me how I am. I think you know the answer. You say you still love me. I don’ want to listen any more. You come back for a little while and leave again. I don’t need that in my life. So I tell you through a joke.
“Hey Heero.”
“Yeah?”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“FUCK YOU!”
You stare at me with shock and hurt on your face. I look away so that I don’t fall into one of your traps. I tell you in a tired voice to get out of my life. I’m tired of trusting you and then having broken shreds thrown back in my face. I love you, but it’s too painful, what did I do to deserve this? You have to chose between Relena and I and right now I think you’ve chosen Relena. You can’t have it both ways. Eventually one of us was going to break away and I’m making it me before it’s too late.

Both

/Since you’ve been gone my worlds been dark and grey/

Duo

I used to look out the window and marvel that the brightness outside couldn’t compare with the happiness I felt inside. Now I look outside and wonder how it could be so bright outside when it was so dark inside of me. You want me to come back, you’re going to break up with Relena. I know that your feelings will just get mixed up and you’ll leave again. I need to go find myself before I can come back. I’ve wasted too much precious time sulking about you. I don’t know myself anymore. I’m going traveling and I don’t want you to follow me. If you decide to break up with Relena that’s just your decision, I don’t want you to follow me. It’s your turn to wait for me. It’s your turn to be my North Star guiding my way when I’m lost. And I’m lost right now, and I need to find my way back.

Heero

I realized how bleak my life has been without you. When Trowa called me, my heart stopped in terror. I don’t want to lose you anymore but it maybe too late. You don’t want me anymore because you’re afraid of being hurt again. I can’t let you make that decision. You loved me enough to let me go the first time. As for me, I love you too much to let you go. Please come back, I don’t know what I’d do without you.

/You reminded me of brighter days/

You were the joy in my life. My shoulder to lean on, you were my North Star. I understand now that it’s my turn to light the way back for you. I’m breaking up with Relena. I never proposed to her anyways. She’d just announced it because she wanted to trap me and bind me to her forever. I won’t follow you unless you take too long. I hope that you come back soon.

Duo

/ I hoped you were comin’ home to stay
I was headin’ to church/

I checked out of the hospital and headed to the church. I went in to pray to a God I no longer believe in. I just sat there in the silence already on the pathway. I remembered whenever you came back from your missions, I’d squeeze you so tight, I was so afraid you’d never come back. Even when you were home, I was never sure that you’d stay.

Heero

/I was off to drink you away/

I walked into the hospital to find that you’d already checked out. I went to your apartment to see if you were there. I got your phone call. By that time you were already on the plane. Trowa and I went to the club and I got drunk straight away.

7 months later

The phone rang in the living room. Quatre picks it up. Wufei looks at him to ask who it is. Heero is leaning in the doorway.
“Hello?”
“Cat?”
“Duo!”
Heero jumps from the doorway.
“Can I speak to Heero?”
Quatre holds the phone out to Heero.
“Duo?”
“Hi Heero.”
“How are you?” The other young men walk out of the room to give them some privacy.
“Good,, what about you?”
“I’m fine. So what’s up?”
“Nothin’. So, we haven’t talked for a long time.”
“Yeah.”
“I guess you’re wondering why I called.”
“Yeah.”
“I just wanted to see if you were ok. Did you get my postcards?”
“Uh huh, they were really cool.”
“Soo um.”
“Soo.”
“Heh heh. You’d think that we’d be able to come up with a better conversation since we’ve known each other for so long.”
“Yeah. So how are things between you and Dan?”
“It didn’t work out. Heero, I was always comparing him to you because I still love you.

/“I thought about you for a long time
Can’t seem to get you off of my mind.
I can’t understand why we’re living life this way.”/

/“I found your picture today
I swear I’ll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home.”
“I found your picture today
I swear I’ll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home.”
“I just called to say, I love you come back home.”/

“Heero, I just called to say, I love you and I’m coming back home.”