Young Man's Heart

"45"

Send away for a priceless gift

One not subtle, one not on the list

Send away for a perfect world

One not simply, so absurd

In these times of doing what you\'re told

You keep these feelings, no one knows

What ever happened to the young man\'s heart

Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I\'m staring down the barrel of a 45,

Swimming through the ashes of another life

No real reason to accept the way things have changed

Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child

Keep your eyes open for a while

In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else

There\'s a piece of a puzzle known as life

Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man\'s heart

Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I\'m staring down the barrel of a 45,

Swimming through the ashes of another life

No real reason to accept the way things have changed

Staring down the barrel of a 45

Everyone\'s pointing their fingers

Always condemning me

And nobody knows what I believe

I believe

And I\'m
staring down the barrel of a 45,

Swimming through the ashes of another


No real reason to accept the way things have changed

Staring down the barrel of a 45



 

Warnings – Angst
and darkfic. Coming chapters will contain references to drug abuse and
depression. Rated for language and adult situations and content.

Characters – This
story concentrates on Gohan and his mental stability. Anyone else is just to
further the plot.

Disclaimer – There
are so many of these things around that they really don’t serve any purpose anymore. We
all know who owns what and who stole what, so just read my fiction and enjoy it
and get on with your lives so you can read someone else’s.

*Staring Down The Barrel*

Saiyaman! Protector and hero of Satan City.

Beloved of little children.

Held in reverence by elderly and infirm who tell of his
brave deeds to those little children.

Hated by criminals, miscreants, and doers of injustice.

Mistrusted and envied by strong men and lusted after by
women.

Supported and encouraged and discounted by his loved ones.

Gohan lived the life of a superhero, glorious and fateful
as any truly worthy life could be.

And just as lonely.

It was everything he ever wanted. Everything his father
always avoided at all costs. To be recognized and accepted and praised for doing
a good job, for protecting others, for upholding everything that he had ever
been taught about righteousness and honor…and he could also live up to his
mother’s greatest wishes at the same time because it left his pseudo life open
for her dreams of his success. This way, he could please everyone.

He had the love of a good woman. Videl was always there for
him…when it involved fighting and excitt ant and the evening news. She always
professed to hate her father’s bigoted and famous lifestyle, but she was never
shy when it came to dealing in such things herself.

She tried so hard to bring herself into his lifestyle, but
she threw off the balance even though he did enjoy her company at times. She
wanted the superhero life…and nothing else. He had to have both. Had to! It
wouldn’t work otherwise!

But it was so hard sometimes. It took so much out of him.
Trying to be everything…but not too much of any of it.

To keep balance.

His friends and family thought Saiyaman was a joke. Most of
them made no secret of it and, even though he was admittedly pretty dense at
times, he got the gist after a while. They couldn’t understand why he did it.
Were his actions so futile, so worthless, that they couldn’t see that he did it
all for them? That everything he ever did was to mahem hem all happy? To make
them proud?

And to survive through it at the same time.

They all wanted so much from him. His mother. His father.
Piccolo. Videl. Vegeta and the younger demis. All his friends.

No matter what, he never seemed to be able to live up to
any of their expectations. Sure he had their acceptance…but…he could still feel
their disappointment and that was the worst thing of all.

He had all this power. They couldn’t understand why he
didn’t use it. Why he wouldn’t spar. Why he wouldn’t give his all when they
pushed him to it. None of them could fathom it. None of them understood that he
just…couldn’t.

He couldn’t.

…let go.

He couldn’t access so much power. He didn’t want it, never
wanted it, and he couldn’t handle it when he tried to use it. He didn’t have the
warrior spirit that test est had. All of them. He wasn’t like them and they
didn’t seem to *want* to understand that. He was the only one who was…different.
He didn’t have the will necessary to control so much strength and power and
responsibility. He didn’t want it. He was afraid of it.

They were all disappointed in him. They always had been.
And it had always torn him inside because he just *couldn’t* be what they all
wanted.

But here he was.

The strongest being in the universe. And so useless. So
worthless. Such a disappointment.

And so lonely.

Was life supposed to be this way? Was it this way to
everyone on this earth? Were they all just as lonely as him? That was a
depressing thought. ‘This is what life is meant to be.’

He looked down from the high tower he stood upon. Just
looked down at the sprawling city from his solitary perch. He had escaped Videl
this evening. Not that he didn’t want to be with her, but… He just felt the need
to be alone, be alone with his thoughts…just alone. He was so alone inside, he
might as well indulge in it outside as well.

His thoughts took a darker turn to match the oncoming
night. He could never truly be *with* Videl anyway. Not like she wanted. As much
as he tried to deny it, as much as he fought against it, he wasn’t quite human.
He still had these…conflicts within himself no matter how he repressed them. No
matter how much he deluded himself. He was neither Saiyan nor Human. He was
something else. Not enough of either to ever be happy in this world.

And no one else seemed to have inherited this problem. That
in itself helped to darken his purgatory as well. All the others were more
Saiyan than him, they all were happy. He was the only oddball. ‘What is so wrong
with me??!’

It had been 26 long years of struggle for him. He was tired
of it, but there did not seem to be any end in sight. It would just continue as
it always had. ‘This is just the way things are.’ He thought, closing his eyes
with a sigh.

Sound pricked his ears from his high rise citadel. The
sound of pain and anger and fear. He didn’t even try to push aside his sad
thoughts. He merely turned in the direction that Saiyaman was needed and tilted
off the edge of the tower, his eyes still closed. He allowed himself to fall
freely before finally gathering hisrgy rgy and opening his eyes to the ever
encroaching ground.

With the barest manipulation, his ki surrounded him and
spurred him out of freefall and off over the city toward the sound that had
already attracted the Satan City police with their sirens blaring.

The scene looked to be a pharmaceutical company and there
were enough cops around the premises for Gohan to assume that the situation was
pretty serious. He alighted on a neighboring building, almost forgetting in his
still encompassing gloom to strike a pose, but that wouldn’t be very Saiyaman-like,
would it? Had to keep the balance.

Oh look! Saiyaman is here to save the day! Yaay! Or in some
cases, Boo! Once again, Gohan was reminded of the fact that no matter how hard
he tried, he couldn’t please everyone. Was there any point? Of course there was.
He just…couldn’t see it at the moment. He hadn’t seen it for a long time.

The mighty Saiyaman set to vanquishing evil and righting
wrongs! Gohan flew to the large laboratory and opened an upper story window with
Saiyajin strength and a tiny sting of guilt for the damage. Slipping inside, he
made is way along using his extra sensitive hearing to find the way downstairs
to where the villains were holding shop with what sounded like a lot of
hostages. He found them only minutes later and crouched in a deserted doorway to
scope the situation. There were over twenty lab workers all on the ground and
the thugs were harassing two who were obviously higher employees.

Did he call these robbers thugs? That certainly didn’t
describe them. No, they were young, some of them weak and pubescent. None of
them were older than your average college student. But they each had an animal
gleam in their eyes, the glaze of desperation and need. These were…junkies.
Nothing more than that. Junkies off the street with a mad desire for a fix…and
guns in their hands. Gohan closed his eyes, discouraged and disgusted that life
had driven these young boys to so such ends. What was this life when it bore
such terrible things? Why live if this was all that there was to look forward
to? He hated it. Hated all of it. But it was time for Saiyaman to shine.

He stepped into the room, truly forgetting his stupid pose
this time. He was too preoccupied to force forth such nonsense. The
boys…no!...robbers! They were robbers, thieves, it was that simple. The robbers
turned to face him immediately, shouting among themselves, panicking, screaming
about how this was “supposed to be simple, man!!” and “what the fuck is *he*
doherehere?!”. The situation exploded as did the firearms in their hands as the
boys desperately tried to save themselves from a fate infinitely less horrible
than their young and drug-addled brains concocted.

“Get down!!” Gohan shouted, calling up his ki and reaching
out to stop the bullets that hissed in his direction. Guns were nothing. He
could deal with guns just fine so long as he kept a slight distance. It was the
human hostages that he was worried about. He could only stop the bullets within
reach and the room was now a random spray of lead with chaos spreading like a
fire. He had to stop every one of these boys before any part of this situation
could be salvaged. Faster than thought, he plunged into the room, flying over
the squirming, writhing, frightened bodies that littered the floor to catch a
gun arcing in his direction. He crushed it in his fist and tore it from the
boy’s hand, delivering a sharp blow designed to stop, not harm. The boy went
down and Gohan turned to search out a second…a third…a fourth… It was swift work
and only took moments before nearly all the young criminals were incapacitated.
There was one left and Gohan was there in an instant as the boy tried to hide
behind a hostage. Quicker than anyone could follow, he removed the woman and the
weapon from the boy’s grasp. That was just too far for the righteous Gohan to
handle, trying to use a helpless innocent as a shield. He lost just an instant
of good humor and slammed the teen against the wall, perhaps a bit too hard. He
immediately regretted it and was about to check and see if the boy was alright
when there was a metallic *thunk* against the back of his helmet. Gohan
stiffened and tensed. There had been another junkie, hidden among the hostages,
waiting until his back had turned.

“Dodge this, asshole!”

Gohan turned just soon enough to see straight down the
barrel of the handgun aimed at his skull. He could see the blunt bullet at the
end of the chamber and hear the *bang* as the trigger pulled. He had dropped his
guard when concern for that last robber had distracted him. He had given up the
battle before it was over just as he had done so many times in the past and
disappointed so many people, let them die. He looked down that barrel and
thought ‘this is what life is’ and that ‘this is how it is meant to be’ and if
that were true, then why should he fight against it? How could he fight against
the way it was meant to be? What right did he have to try and change what was
and would always be? What good did it do to preserve something if this was all
there was to look to in the end?

But he tried to dodge.

Because it was what was expected.

Because he was the superhero.