One Sexy God

I finally hit bottom in an alleyway,
Hell wasn't but a breath away,
So I hit my knees in the street,
And begged God for mercy.

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"I am Roy, God of the Office!" Roy exclaimed, jumping on his desk and kicking his paperwork away.
Breda just stared at him. Faldman seemed too shocked to reply. Fuery glanced sidelong at Havoc, and as one, they threw themselves on the ground before Roy's desk, crying out, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"
Roy nodded, and then broke down laughing helplessly. Jean and Cain joined in, while Breda and Faldman stared in confusion.
So they were as Ed stepped into the room. He was amazed to see Roy, standing on his desk, doubled over in helpless laughter. He was really quite attractive this way...
He shook his head, as though to clear it. Colonel bastard was off limits.
Suddenly an interesting phrase flitted back into his head, "...laughing helplessly..." That gave him an idea. Smiling evilly, he crept around behind Roy.
He quietly climbed onto the desk chair, then to the filing cabinet. He braced himself, then jumped onto Roy's shoulders.
Roy made a strangled noise, and fought to keep his balance. He wind milled his arms and swayed just a little. Ed hooked his legs under Roy’s armpits, and twinned his fingers into Roy’s hair.
After a moment, Roy was once more balanced on his desk. He set his fists boldly on his hips. "As I said," he proclaimed, "We are Roy and Edward, Gods of the Office!"
Breda and Faldman looked at each other, then at Fuery and Havoc.
As one, the four of them threw themselves on the ground in front of Roy's desk, crying out, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

***

"Hey Roy, I've got a memo from Maes..." Fuery began.
"That's God to you. And, from now on you are to talk to me only in prayer format." Roy interrupted, taking the memo.
"You know Riza'll never go for that." Breda said, Dealing cards to Ed, Jean and Faldman.
"He's right, and you know it Ro-God." He turned to Breda, "Deal me in."
"Riza may do as she pleases, the rest of you are to speak to me only in prayer format."
"Now, that's not fair! Just because she's trigger-happy, she gets away with everything!" Ed grumped, fanning out his cards.
"Not so, tiny worshiper, Riza gets away with everything because she does my paperwork while I’m at lunch." He read the memo. "Argh, Fullmetal, go down to intelligence and give Maes this." He signed a leaf of paper he had just been scribbling on.
"NO WAY! YOU JUST CALLED ME SO INTANGIBLY MINIATURE THAT EVEN IF YOU SET YOUR GODLY FEET ON ME, I'D BE PROTECTED BY THE TREAD OF YOUR SHOES!!" Ed slammed his cards down on the table.
"That was longwinded, pointless, and not in prayer form, so I'll just disregard that. Take this to Maes in intelligence." Roy waved the envelope at Ed.
Sighing, Ed snatched the proffered envelope, and put it in the pocket of his red jacket. "Right away, Colonel Bastard." He sounded disgusted.
"Thanks very much, First Midget Elric." Roy replied, taking up Ed's place at the card table.
Ed spasmed, but, after a second, had regained the ability to move without killing. He stomped to the door, and slammed it as he left. He continued to stomp until he was out of the hearing range of the office Roy sat, smugly holding Ed's royal flush. He walked normally from that point until he reached Maes' office.
Maes' office was more... shall we say, organized. Maes was at his desk, on the phone, speaking in monosyllables.
"Yes. Hmm. No. Huh... Uh. Meh. Okay, well thank you. Yes, no. Well, I... Of course sir, I didn't realize that was an order. Okay, I'll be there. Yessir. Goodbye." He hung up the phone. It immediately began to ring again. "Yes. Hey! I don't think so, n- Oh! Yeah he's here. An envelope? I don't see one... Well, if it's from you to me, why not just tell me now? Insecure lines?! Bullshit Roy. Ok. Fine, I'll send word back with Edward. Call him what?" There was a short pause, then Maes Burst out laughing. "You think I want him to kill me? Yeah, fuck you, too. Ok, I'll see you next Tuesday for dinner. Yes, I’m cooking, you think I’d let her near an appliance with the baby only a few months old? What do you mean years? She's three months old until I say otherwise! Oh shut up Roy." He hung up the phone and grinned like a madman. He beckoned Ed over.
"I understand you have a memo for me?" He asked a blushing Edward as he stepped within earshot.
"I- Yeah, here." he fished it out, and handed it over.
Maes read it, rolled his eyes, and scribbled a note on another paper, which he then signed, and slid into an envelope. He looked at Edward, sighed, and said, "Don't let him fool you Ed. And don't let him send you back here with another letter, not today. Okay?" Ed nodded dumbly. "One last thing, I've gotten an order from a superior, so kill him not me. Good day First Midget Elric." He screwed up his face, as though anticipating a blow.
Ed just laughed. He laughed, and kept laughing all the way down to Roy's office.
He handed Roy his memo, smiling. He watched him read it, and waited as he scribbled out another reply. Before he could even draw the breath to ask, Ed laughed again.
Roy raised his eyebrows. Ed shook his head, still laughing. Roy turned to Faldman, "Would you take this to intelligence right away?"
"Yessir." He said, taking the envelope. He left.
"O, God? Canst thou hear me? Pray thee, let us go thither and get drunk. I'm in one of those moods, you know?" Ed had finally gained control over his mirth. Roy turned an inquiring eye un Ed. Ed shrugged, "Hey, that was prayer format, your move." He said simply.
"You know, mass alcohol sounds like fun. Very well, God shall grant your prayer." Roy smirked.

***

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE OF DRINKING AGE?!"
"Hey, I just asked for your I.D. buddy. You wanna drink, you show me some I.D."
Roy already had three beers. Ed had been arguing with the bartender since he stepped through the doors. He had received a martini glass of water, an olive on a tooth pick, and a fresh bowl of mixed nuts.
Ed had shown the man his watch, his military security passes, and still, all he had was olive juice and nuts.
"Listen, do you see this man? This man is well on his way to drunk. And where am I?"
"On a stool with no I.D. I'm telling you this for the last time, unless you've got identification that stats your full name and age, you get aqueous martinis."
Ed took one of the expired passes and set it on his knees. A quick clap'n'slap later, he had a laminated I.D. card complete with picture.
He shoved his hand with the I.D. into his pocket, and drew it out. "Like this?
The bartender eyed the card, wearily. "Yes, just like this. Why didn't you just pull that out in the first place?" he passed Ed a beer.
In all the excitement with the Bartender, Ed had stopped watching Roy. Now he turned to see that he had moved away to talk to a group of men. These men were not well on the way to drunk, they were drunk.
Roy stood with them, holding his half drunk beer in gloved hands. After a few seconds on of the drunks noticed Roy standing there, and nudged the drunk next to him. This drunk then nudged his neighbor. This, of course, started a nudging war among the drunks. After a moment, they were all staring at Roy.
Even to people as smashed as these were, Roy was impressive. He stood two inches taller than any of the others, not to mention he was still in full uniform. The drunks stared blearily at him. Cautiously, one of them asked Roy something.
Roy confidently replied something.
Ed couldn't hear what was being said, but he could already tell Roy had said the wrong thing.
Drunks from all corners of the bar descended on the Roy. Ed sprung off his stool and ran to where Roy was.
He managed to keep him from setting the place on fire. He didn't want to even think what kind of bad it would be for this quantity of alcohol to be set aflame.
Roy was easily subdued, and Ed headed for the bar again. "Back door?"
The bartender eyed the violently restless drunks. "Yeah." he opened the bar door and gestured for Ed and Roy to follow him.

***

Ed finally managed to maneuver Roy into the back alley. It had been hellish, walking Roy down a dark hallway, holding him around the waist, with one of his arms draped over his shoulders. All he could smell was Roy. All he could feel was Roy. All he could think, hear and taste was Roy.
If Roy had been attractive in the office, he was downright gorgeous now. He was disheveled, but only just, making him look so completely perfect, that Ed's very being ached.
Just as in the office, an idea struck him. "Off limits my ass," he decided.
Ed dropped to his knees in Roy's path. "Oh God," he said, staring Roy right in the eye to make sure he knew he meant him. "God, have mercy on me, pitiful human that I am. Your servant does kneel before you. Pity me, and grant me one request in return for my eternal devotion and gratitude."
Roy looked like he just might point out that in the office, he had proclaimed Edward also a God. After a moment’s hesitation, his own curiosity got the better of him. "Ask, and it shall be granted." He said, trying not to smile.
"Sleep with me tonight."
Roy blinked. Had his drunken ears deceived him? Surely Ed had not just asked him to sleep with him. No, no, not possible, this was Edward. He was twelve! No, he's eighteen, you dumbass drunk. A voice in the back of head informed him. No! He's twelve, and he's gonna stay twelve until I say otherwise.
This smacked of his earlier conversation with Maes. But, that was different wasn't it? Maes was a father, he loved that little girl.
Roy blinked again. Was it possible that he loved Ed? Well, maybe he'd lusted for him, on occasion... Love?
Roy eyed the blonde in front of him. He suddenly realized that Edward was on his knees in an alley. He offered him his hand, "Get up. We need to call a cab."
Ed took his hand, and asked, “Your place or mine?"
"Pffft! Yeah, let's go do it in your place and scar you brother for life. My place."
Ed grinned. Roy smirked, and stood at the edge of the road. As a cab drove near, Roy snapped hi fingers. A ball of flames Hovered in the path of afore mentioned cab.
His tires squealed and he managed to make a complete stop just as the fire went out. Roy opened the back door and let Ed get in first. He slid in next to Ed, and asked the driver, "Do you know who I am?"
"Yes Colonel Mustang," he said, still shaken from the fireball.
"Good. Can you get to my home?"
"Which one, sir? The one for sleep, or the one for women?"
Ed flushed. Roy had different apartments for home, and sex?
Roy glanced at Ed, as though measuring him. He raised an inquiring eyebrow to Ed. "What do you think, Fullmetal?"
Ed gulped. The decision was his. If Roy had an apartment for sex, wouldn't that be the best place to go? But, was the second apartment just so the women Roy dumped couldn't find him?
Ed suddenly realized two things, first, that the depth of Roy's question far exceeded what the passing interest might think it was. Roy was asking if he wanted to be just another bedmate, or if this was serious stuff. The mindless sex room, or the committed relationship room?
Secondly, that Roy held his liquor very well. He'd had three and a half beers, he should be a little tipsy, at least, shouldn't he?
Ah, well. Back to business, was he just another Roy-Toy? Or did he want more?
No contest, "The one for sleep." He said firmly.