How and Why

This, is different. It is shockingly difficult to write in the first person and in the present tense. Basically, Envy is trying to figure out how exactly he ended up in bed with Ed. And just to be fun, I have Ed chasing him, instead of the more common reverse. I’m sure they’re out of character, at least a little, and my timeline is probably messed up, but stick with me. I think it’s funny, anyways, and hopefully so will you. Please enjoy and review if you have the time.

How and Why

How did this happen, again? Don’t look me like that, asshole! I KNOW the general mechanics, but something is off. Somehow, I’m here, curled in this tiny bed with a tinier blond, and no idea how I managed it. Focus, think hard, there must be a reason.

*Year earlier*

That little shit was doing it again, interfering where he wasn’t wanted. Lust was being a bitch again too, nagging me to impersonate her precious Father Cornello. I tried to point out that if she didn't kill her toys, I wouldn’t have to do this for her, but she got all snotty and shoved her chest at me. Like that’ll convince anyone.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. The pipsqueak is running around out there, stirring up trouble, trying to stop fighting. I sent Lust out after him, but she got her face scratched and pitched such a fit that she called Gluttony off and came back to sulk. She should have been Vanity, I swear. Ugly bag. So, I’m trying to find out where he is so I can beat him up and send him home, hopefully to be distracted by Pride.

I mean, am I the only one doing my job here? Sloth and Pride are fucking around in Central, playing little games and probably screwing each other on the floor. Wrath is roaming around being useless, it’s really all he’s good for, Lust is lazing in her room and Gluttony is with her, as usual. Hey, I just realized Lust spells slut too. I’ll have to point that out to her next time she starts to whine. Oh, and Greed, but he’s playing with his chimeras, so we’ll just ignore him.

Focus, focus! There he is, or his brother at least, the runt won't be far. Hey, he did something useful; I’ve been looking for that particular group. I mean really, how dare they try and start a new religion without me? I wanted to send my supporters over to dig them out of their little hole, but maybe I’ll just do it while I’m here. First things first, business before pleasure. Sneaking along rooftops is way too easy, so I jump down to walk behind that big hunk of metal. He can hear me but I just turn with him. I really can’t help the snickers when he starts crying for his brother, as if he’ll help him against me.

Speaking of, here he is! So much energy, just waiting for me to use it up for him. He’s obviously tired, his voice is cracking a little while he yells at me. Aww, too bad. I was hoping for an amusing time; oh well. A few jumps are all it takes to avoid him but his brother is being a pest and takes a shot at me too. I have to change direction and come down a little too close to the shrimp and he gets an arm around me. Not that this is a problem, really, but it was pretty careless. Maybe I should practice a little, get up to speed. If I ever actually face a half-assed opponent, mistakes like that could be painful.

Then, the brat shocks me, for the only time in my life I can remember being shocked. He wraps his metal arm around my waist and the other around my shoulders, leans in, and LICKS me! What the fuck? Who licks their enemy? Right on the ear too, the little shit! I’m so appalled by the whole thing I just stand there for a second. The ‘eww, he just licked me’ reflex is kicking in and I slam an elbow back to a satisfying crunch. There, that’ll teach him. The way back is surprisingly short and I only run into two people to kill, which isn’t as satisfying.

The door to my room is open and I stomp in to see Gluttony eating my dresser. Of course I don’t use it, but that’s hardly the point; that is mine! Oh shit, I sound like Greed. Yeah, ok, you can have it. A quick pat on the head and he bolts off thrilled with his snack that he wasn’t even punished for. My little stint as Father Cornello is finally ending soon, another month and I should be off. Finally, he really is a disgusting man; his body does the most awful things. Contrary to popular belief, and whatever that bitch Sloth tells you, I really take on the exact form I’m impersonating (that thing with Ross was an information error, thank you very much) and I have the same urges and feelings. It’s really gross sometimes, like when I have to be old and achy or sick, that’s really nasty.

Alright, enough of my issues, it’s just a job. That I have to go do now. I will definitely have a bath later to wash the nasty saliva off. That is just too, too gross.

*Present*

Yeah, yeah I’m pretty sure that’s when it started. I don’t remember anything like that happening before then. Of course, now that I think about it, running away wasn’t terribly mature.

*Eight months ago*

He did it again! That little fucker, this is the third time. Every time I’m near him, he grabs me and, and TOUCHES me! And not just fighting touching either, no he ran his hands down my sides today and slapped me on the ass. What the fuck does he think he’s doing? I don’t want his ugly little hands on me, never mind his tongue. Yeah, he licked me again too, right on the stomach. And to make it worse, Lust saw and laughed. That skank, she’s just mad cause I pointed out her name describes her in all ways.

Kick, kick. I can’t even break anything, that old hag called us all back for something and now she’s ignoring us. I’m looking around for something, anything to do, but it’s pretty boring here. What’s that? Someone is yelling out there. The door across the hall slams open, I hope it bounces back hits her on her precious nose, and I can hear Lust yelling clearly. “Just go fuck him already!”

“Shut up, you whore! Just because the only thing you think about is sex, doesn’t mean the rest of us are as pathetic.”

Then Gluttony joins in. “Don’t be mean to Lust.”

This could be fun after all. “Yeah? Come over here and say that.” He just edges in behind that woman; no fun at all. “Coward. What the hell are we doing here anyways?”

“Now, now, don’t pout darling. I’m sure he’ll still be there when you get back. Or maybe not, he is awfully cute. Maybe someone will grab him up. Then you’ll be all alone. Such a shame.” A snarl slides over my lips and I want to kick her into a million little pieces.

Unfortunately, we are under orders to not fight amongst ourselves so all I can do is stomp back to my room. “Fuck off.” The bed bounces nicely under me when I flop on it and little flutters in my stomach tickle. What’s that? The more I think about the pipsqueak, the stronger it gets. Creepy. Maybe it wasn’t just that old pervert’s body? Nah, that’s just gross.

*Present*

Uh huh, and that’s when I first noticed it; I realize now it was attraction. But that still doesn’t explain why I’m here. Not that this isn’t nice and comfy, but I truly have no idea how I came to be here, not fighting but cuddling.

*Six months ago*

It’s been two days and I sill can’t get it out of my head. I was fighting the runt, he got a lucky shot in and I bled a bit. Nothing big, not even worth looking at really, but he immediately drops his sword, comes bouncing over and fusses. I was so shocked, I froze up. I know I should have just kicked his ass right then and there, but curiosity won. So, I lay there and let him poke it until it healed.

Then, he looks me right in the eye and GROPES me. Didn’t even have the decency to do it through my clothes either, no, he put his hand down my pants and groped me, right there on the floor. I immediately changed to a girl, and he grinned and did it more. So I changed back and he laughed! I’m still deciding, but I think that was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen.

Unfortunately, even more disturbing is the fact that it was nice, kinda good really. So I kicked him, almost broke his neck in a controlled panic to get away. Seriously, anyone that deranged has no business being anywhere near me. And they say I’m crazy.

A soft creaking draws my attention the door. “You should really get that fixed.”

I just grunt at her; it’s not worth the effort to fight. “Then I couldn’t hear you coming to spy on me. What do you want.”

“I just thought I’d come and give you some sisterly advice, seeing as how Greed isn’t here to perform his brotherly duties.” I think my eyebrows are going to climb off my face at that. “Don’t look so skeptical. You really should just chase him down and do him. It’s obviously bothering you, just take him. You can do anything that doesn’t kill him.” I know the look on my face must be worth a photo or two.

“That is disgusting. You’re deranged if you think I want to do anything other than kick his ass.” The bitch just grins and stretches, flaunting her body. Gluttony is behind her, as always, sucking his finger and gripping her dress.

“You’d feel better, but if you want to act like a fool, go right ahead.” My hands are trembling from being clenched so tightly. She just snickers and turns away.

Gluttony was the one who made me do it. “Fool, fool.” He just can’t keep his mouth shut. I’ll help him out with that. The first snaps are great, his whines terribly satisfying. Not even Lust’s spears are a bother; they don’t even hurt sliding in and out.

“Envy.” That smooth voice, low and in control makes me shudder. Sloth is standing behind her, with Wrath and Pride beside her. Shit. Short dark hair moves as that person walks toward me. Gluttony falls to my feet, healing slowly; I did a lot of damage. “Why are you disobeying me?”

I just stare at the floor. Punishment will come whatever I say and I’m not going to humiliate myself in front of the others. An unseen hand lifts me up and slams me into the wall, spikes sliding around me, facing in towards my skin. The hand disappears and I fall, driving the short spikes into my skin; a little squeak gets out but I fight it. The top spikes grow, so every move I make drives them into my skin as well. “Now, you be a good boy and stay there until I need you again.” She walks away and the hate in my eyes sends the others scurrying after her. Fuckers.

*Present*

Damn, I didn't want to think about that again; hurt like a bitch. She left me up there for almost five months; bet the pipsqueak thought I died or something. Ok, so I finally figured out that he wanted me, but how did this happen? He’s making that noise again, the little snuffly one he makes when he’s warm and happy. Which is shockingly cute. Damn it all, he’s rubbing off on me. Back to the problem; he’s been groping me for almost a year, licking and all kinds of weird things. Nice, now that I’ve tested them, but weird at the time. So what happened last night, exactly?

*Last night*

The floor is cool tonight, not as hot as the bed. It’s so boring here. I’m the only one left, other than Wrath, but that baby took off and is hiding somewhere, probably with the runt. I almost miss Gluttony, crazed as that person made him. I finally had to put him down; couldn’t trust him with anything and he was loud about it. At least with that bitch Lust around, he just stayed quiet. Whatever, it gave me some exercise.

I usually spend my time thinking about what happened a month ago. In the space of a day, they were all gone. Even that person fell. Everyone except the runt and his brother. They managed to make it through; there must be a shield around them. I even aimed for vital organs but he must have moved. Or something. I only managed to get his shoulder and he did something to me, pinned me to the floor. By the time I regained consciousness and got loose, he’d already used the stone to get his brother back and Gluttony was going nuts, chasing the old bitch. It wasn’t worth anything for me to stay, so I took off and now I’m here, amusing myself with random thoughts of the past.

Rocks are sliding down the abandoned halls. My ears perk up at he sound of my name. Is that the runt? I slide along the roof to see him standing there, overlooking the city, yelling my name. “What do you want?”

“There you are.” He’s moving forward, slow and easy but still. His hands are spread to the sides but I’ve seen him bring them together in an instant; his version of helpless isn’t fooling anyone.

My hair brushes my thighs as I tilt my head; I’ve never been this aware of my own body. And he’s looking at me, like something tasty to try. “Yeah, what about it?”

He’s sneaking closer. “I’ve been looking for you. I wanted to see you.” He’s almost under me by now and I have to lean out to see him over the eaves of the roof. I hear the clap too later and can’t get out of the way.

The roof collapses under me and I tumble to a crouch in front of him, looking up for once. I blink; he looks, good. Really good. His cheeks glow and his entire body is practically vibrating with happiness. He had put on some of that weight he lost in the months before we last met. A bright grin and he’s reaching for me, metal glinting in the strange light that suffuses this place. I scramble back a little, waiting for the attack but it doesn’t come. He just looks disappointed and sighs.

“Envy, don’t you want to come home with me?” He sounds puzzled that I might not want to. All I can do is gawk at him. “Come on, it’s nice there, warm and the river is cool in the summer and freezes in the winter.” He just stands there, waiting patiently.

“You, want me to come with you. Back to wherever you’re from?” That doesn’t make sense to me, why?

He’s still holding out his hand but now he’s blushing. “I, I like you and I want you to come home with me, to Rissembool. Don’t you like me?”

I open my mouth to say of course I don’t, but I pause. If he likes me, then the last year, all the touching was… It wasn’t so bad, and he didn’t care what form I was in. A small shudder shakes my shoulders at that thought; still creepy. But, it might be more fun than hanging out by myself down here. My hand seems to reach out by itself, without me commanding it to and grabs his. I hear my voice but it sounds strange, as if it isn’t me speaking. “Alright. Let’s go home.”

Strong, wide hands drag me in and a wet kiss almost makes me gag. I’m no expert on kissing, but I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to feel like dog attacked you. I push back a bit and lick his lips lightly, hoping he’ll get the hint. Which he does; guess all that blather about prodigies wasn’t a complete lie.

*Present*

And for some reason, I followed him here, to his hotel. It was some of the worst sex possible, I’m sure. I wouldn’t know, really, but it was awkward and confusing, not at all like Lust and Greed made it sound. I suppose if I stick around, it’ll get better. Ow, that damn arm! “Hey, stop it.” Pushing doesn’t seem to help, so I pinch his arm in retaliation.

“Mmph. Wh’cha doin’?” Ed rolls over and snuggles in, his head no longer hidden in pillow. “It’s early, go back to sleep.” I pat him on the head and wrap an arm around him. I guess it really doesn’t matter how or why I’m here, as long as I am.



Yay! You made it! I’m so glad you read the entire thing. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.