Frozen Tears

Frozen Tears

by: BlackDragon

How could I fall in love with him? How? Why? Of all the cold, unfeeling,
uncaring people why Heero? I couldn’t figure out how
the "perfect soldier" had crept into my heart. I frowned at the nails
I had bitten off while sitting there in the dark confinement of my room
contemplating my feelings. Damn, I thought I had gotten rid of that habit. Apparently
I had picked it up again.

Quatre could tell something was wrong with me. He
cornered me once and bombarded me with questions, but how could I tell him? He
shouldn’t have to feel he has to solve all my problems. Besides, he and class=SpellE>Trowa are happy. They should spend what time the have with
each other, not trying to help me sort the crazy tangle my life has become.

I suppose that’s another reason I’m mad at myself for falling in love with class=SpellE>Heero. None of us know how much time we have. At any moment
we could be called away not knowing if we are to live or die. Survival is so
hard to do in times like this, in time of war. Heero
self-destructs so often, I’m scared his luck will run out... and then where
will I be? How would I feel if Heero dies? Will I be
able to stand it? To just move on with my life? Or
will I become desperate and try to end my own life to follow my beloved?

End my own life... Heero may try to kill himself
and welcome death... but for me... I am death. Falling in love was never an
option for me, yet I have. I’ve fallen in love... hard. Heero
is a consistence presence in my mind. There isn’t one moment that I don’t think
of him. He haunts my every waking moment... and a few non-waking ones.

Those dreams... those horrible, haunting, wonders dreams... I love class=SpellE>Heero and am able to tell him so with out consequence in
those dreams. And Heero smiles and tells me he loves
me back. And we are happy together. We can live and love in peace in my dreams.
Without fear of death nipping at our heels. And we
tell each other we love each other as often as we wish.

But then I wake up... and have to face the reality of being so alone. Why
can’t I do it? Why can’t I just go up to him and say "Heero,
I love you"? Because I’m afraid. class=GramE>Afraid of rejection, of hurt. Heero
is and always has been the "perfect soldier". Who feels nothing with
any emotion at all.

Which brings me back to the present. How? How could
I have fallen in love with Heero? I watch him now,
the shift of his fingers, hitting the keys to the keyboard of his laptop. Back
strait, no emotion on his face... I don’t know how long I stood there staring
at him before I realize he is staring right back at me. I fall into habit
fairly quickly, smile, and ask him how it’s going?

He turns from me which is normal, but he turns off
his computer and closes it. I’m frozen in shock as he stands and walks towards
me. I try to give a nervous smile as he stands there staring at me. That face,
so close to mine yet totally inaccessible. I stiffen as a hand rises to wipe
something off my cheek. Tears. Frozen
on my face. Aw hell, I hadn’t even realized I'd been crying.

His eyes seek into mine as he asks, "Duo, what’s wrong?" But I
have nothing to say. I don’t know what to say, so I shake my head.
"Duo..." he says in a tone that demands answers but I bite my lip and
shake my head again, for the first time, ever, refusing Heero
something. "Duo tell
me." Those eyes... those eyes could freeze anything. So
cold and empty.

I turn to go but he still holds my face, forcing me to look at him.
"For the last time tell me what’s wrong." His voice is so different
now, with concern? I lower my gaze, "Heero? Do
you ever feel... alone?" I ask, "Like there’s nothing left for you
and no one wants you any more?" The silence seems to stretch on forever.
His hand falls away from me and I try to turn again, to leave accepting his
silence as answer.

I never expected what happened next. Heero grabbed
me by the shoulders and spun me around. I found his lips crushed against mine
before I could so much as blink. Shock settled in my
system as I felt my knees grow weak. Heero’s arm was
around my waist supporting me before I could fall. "Yes Duo, I have."
He murmurs against my lips as he pulls away.

I collapse into his arms and feel content as I bury my face into the lee of
his shoulder. The sense if release so overwhelming. "Heero,
I love you." I said. "I know," he replies, "I know."
He strokes the back of my head for a while. "Duo, class=SpellE>ai shiteru." He says.
I smile. Maybe Wufei is right, maybe there is justice
in this world after all.

~The End~