Sacrament

Sacrament

Warnings: Angst. Emotional torture. Self-hating. Sadness. Attempted suicide.

The Sacrament-by HIM (HisInfernalMajesty)
“Speaking”, *Thinking*, //Song Lyrics//, =Past=, +Present+

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

//I hear you breathe so far from here
I feel your touch so close and real
And I know
My church is not of silver and gold,
It's glory lies beyond judgment of souls//

=Duo walked toward the small church he lived at, knowing that Sister Helen and Father Maxwell would be upset that he’d left. Again. He always left after he didn’t get chosen to be adopted, just until all the others left. He didn’t want to be picked on anymore than he already was, didn’t want to have to deal with the digs and cruel words that he tried so hard to ignore. But they sank into the depths of his soul nonetheless. Taunting him, whispering and jabbering in the dark. ‘Worthless, not good enough, no one wants you, homeless, freak, useless, unwanted, unloved, no one cares.’ They streamed around inside him tearing bloody gashes in his heart. All he wanted was a home, a family, a place to be loved.

“Its not for you Duo. Never for you.” he told himself softly and held back a sniffle as he rounded the corner and the church came into view. It was small, shabby, old, but well kept. Duo loved it. He poured himself into keeping the place clean and tidy, he’d sweep and mop and scrub until the place practically gleamed. Helping out with whatever needed to be done with a single-minded fervor his short attention span never let him show nothing else.=

//The commandments are of consolation and warmth
You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you//

+Duo was numb. The war was over, finally, and Duo was numb. Duo was free of almost all the things he had to do. Almost.
*Its beautiful here.* Duo thought idly to himself, thrusting his hands into his pockets, his fist clenching around the body-warmed metal found there. *Peaceful. Quatre has great taste.* he mused as he stood looking out over the tortured sea below one of Quatre’s cliff-top mansions the five pilots and Relena were staying at. The gray-green waves rolling white-capped towards the shore, in a never-ending dance. Comforting in its infinite, boundless tune. The sky above was solemn gray as if in mourning. The sea, the sky, the honest to God real sky and the endless waters had always entranced him. The way that both went on forever in the eternity of the horizon. *Well I’d better do this.* he thought emotionlessly, then stopped to ponder his reaction. He felt…nothing…no pain, no hesitation, no happiness, no relief, no joy……he felt empty. As if he had no more to give, nothing left inside himself. He’d expected to want to cry, for the loss of the sea and the sky if nothing else. But he felt hollow, as if he’d been dead for so long and he was just a withered, wasted corpse, burnt and charred and turning to dust.+

//I hear you weep so far from here
I taste your tears like you're next to me
And I know
My weak prayers are not enough to heal
Oh the ancient wounds so deep and so dear
The revelation is of hatred and fear//

=Duo sprang awake as a loud explosion rocking through his frame, coughing and choking on the smoke around him. He dropped hurriedly to the floor and crawled to the door. He flung it open and saw that the back half of the building was gone, now just a crater. The half of the church that held the rooms the other orphans slept in. He pounded down the hallway of the raging inferno that had been his home for over a year.

“Sister! Father!” He screamed as he ran, praying to God. Actually praying and really meaning it, hoping they were okay. He was frozen as he came across a corpse, burnt and stinking, still smoking and flaming. The clothes had been black and a wooden rosary hung at the hip, miraculously unharmed. Duo sank to his knees at the sight, heedless of the smoke and fire. He reached a trembling hand to touch the body of the man he loved like a father. The too warm flesh of the arm crackled under his touch and he pulled back quickly, feeling his stomach rise into his throat, he turned away and vomited. He reached out his small, shaking hand once more, tears in his eyes and gripped around the dark, wooden cross and pulled sharply, scattering a few of the wood beads as he did. He heard coughing and a sharp yell.

“Kids! Children! Mark! Karen! DUO!!” it screamed hoarsely. Duo jumped up and ran to the voice.

“Sister! Sister!” he cried out as he ran through the unbearable heat searing at his flesh.

“Duo!” she cried and sobbed in relief as she drug him onward through the fiery Hell that was their world. The structure creaked and groaned around them as smoke clouded their vision and choked them. With a tortured rending sound, as if flesh were torn from bone, the roof caved in, a thick heavy beam crushing down onto Sister Helen as she tossed Duo away. He crawled towards her fallen body, pushing at the beam that held her, it wouldn’t budge. Duo cradled her against his body, begging for her to live, begging for everything to be okay.

“Duo I love you.” she whispered over the roar of the killing flames. “But you have to go.” She said smiling. Duo shook his head and sobbed. She reached a hand toward him and grasped the first thing she found. Fingers tangled in his long braid she jerked his head down toward her face. “Go! NOW! I love you! Live, go and live! Now get out!” she hissed loudly still smiling at him and then fell limply away. Dead. Duo stared, uncomprehending. Another small piece of ceiling fell next to him, jarring him sharply and wrenching his grasp from the body. He stood to his feet and staggered forward, emerging from a hole where a solid wall used to be, only moments ago.=

//You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you//

+Duo pulled the warm knife from his pocket and flicked it open. He pushed the blade into his left wrist slowly, slowly as a single bead of blood pooled at the cut and trickled down his arm. He pressed deeper until a half inch of the blade rest in his pale flesh. He drug the knife down slowly, tracing the blue-on-white pattern of his veins. Blood spilled from the three inch long wound and quickly soaked through his shirt.
*Wow, I didn’t think it’d bleed that fast.* Duo thought not really feeling surprised, not feeling anything. He realized that it had been a long, long time since he’d actually felt something. Some emotion, even anger or hate, something that wasn’t forced, fake, something put on for those around him. He sat onto the dark soil beneath him and slowly, slowly slashed his other wrist. *I don’t have my masks anymore…they’re all gone…huh…I don’t feel anything…when was the last time I WAS really happy? Sad? Angry? Scared?* He couldn’t remember, for years all he’d felt was like it was seen through a dim haze, not really touching him, just there for others to view. *I don’t have any more emotions, I don’t have any more tears…I’m empty.* he thought. *I have been for a long, long time.*

//The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you//

=“NO!!” Duo screamed at the top of his lungs. Doctors and nurses rushed in to restrain him. Yet again. “NO!! I have to save them! I have to save them!! Let go!! Let go!! OH GOD!! You’re killing them!! Let me save them!!” the small boy screamed enraged as tears trickled down his face. A young, blond nurse burst into tears at the sight of him. He froze, his eyes fixed on her. “Don’t cry Sister. Don’t cry.” Duo said reached a hand toward her comfortingly. She sniffled and turned away. Duo looked hurt and lay back against the bed and fell asleep without another word.

Duo woke again when his room was entered. “Hello, do you remember me?” a man asked. Duo’s eyes narrowed suspiciously and he shook his head. “I didn’t think you would. I’m Dr. Johnson. Do you know where you are?” he asked next. Duo shook his head again. “You’re in the hospital. You were in a fire.” He explained gently.

“The church burned.” Duo said softly and the Doctor nodded. “I couldn’t save them.” The Doctor started talking again but Duo didn’t hear a word, he was lost in his own thoughts.
*It should have been me. I should have died. I’m the worthless one, I’m the one no one wanted, I should have died, not them. They were needed, they were loved. They never should have died.* Tears brimmed his eyes and anger filled him. *I’ll find out who it was. I’ll find them and kill them. I’ll kill them all.* A maniacal grin spread inside his soul, but he kept his face blank. *I should have died, not them. I’ll get revenge and then I’ll die too, like I should have.* he promised silently.=

//You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you//

+Duo cocked his knees up and let his arms rest on the ground between his legs. His long braid ruffled by the seemingly permanent wind. *This is my death, my sacrament, my apology, my atonement for not being able to save them, for not feeling anything.* He thought. He tried to come up without something to fit the moment, some lasting piece of wisdom to take down with him from this world into Hell. But there was nothing, only empty, aching void. *Life hurts, all of it, even the good parts. There’s a bit of wisdom for you.* he thought, but he didn’t find it funny. He didn’t really think anything of it, just something to pass his last moments.

“Duo? Can we talk?” Heero asked in his usual monotone voice.

*Huh…Heero’s here…huh.* that gave him no feeling at all either. He knew that Heero would stop him from killing himself, stop the blood that poured from his body in fast hot streams, but he couldn’t muster the will to care about it.

“Sure.” He said evenly without moving. Heero sat about an arms length from him and looked out at the sea.

“We’ve been threw hell together haven’t we?” Heero asked his voice filled with painful emotion. Duo didn’t feel any surprise or joy at the emotion in the other’s voice.

“Yeah we have.” He agreed.

“But we had some fun too didn’t we?” he continued with a smile in his voice this time.

“Yeah we did.” Duo said softly.

“Duo…What would you do if you realized that you…cared…for someone, only to find out that they were going away?” He asked. Relena was leaving tomorrow to go back to her estates.

*He must have finally caught on. Now Quatre can stop trying to fix them up.* Duo thought evenly. All the blond talked about lately was ‘Maybe we should send them on a date or a cruise or…’ He always stopped when Duo entered the room, not wanting to hurt his feelings he supposed. They all knew he’d had feelings for Heero before. He didn’t know how to tell them that he only felt numb now. “Tell her that you love her or care for her or however you want to say it. Ask her to stay or threaten to follow her, but do it. You only get one chance at life Heero, don’t miss out.” Duo advised him softly still looking at the everlasting sea and sky.

“I will.” Was all he said and stood to his feet, leaving the other to his last few moments.

*I don’t feel anything. Before it would have killed me inside to know that they were going to be together. That I wouldn’t ever have a chance with Heero again.* He almost thought he should be angry, but…it didn’t really matter, not really. He laid his head against his pressed-together knees. He was dizzy now and it was hard to stay upright, his breath came in small pants. *I can’t believe he didn’t notice all the blood…huh…must be going down hill…huh…*

Muscular legs pressed into either side of him and strong arms snaked toward his arms. Duo started slightly at the contact but that was all.

“Duo? There’s an ambulance on its way or we could jump off this cliff.” He said in all seriousness as he clamped his hands hard over the wounds.

“What?” Duo asked confused.

“Stay here with me or I’ll come with you.” Heero promised softly.

“No Heero, let me die…” Duo asked weakly and tried to pull his arms away.

“I will, if that’s what you want, but know that I’ll be right behind you.” He said with conviction.

“Why?” he asked. “Why follow me?” He didn’t understand. Hadn’t enough people died because of him.

“I love you.” Heero said softly. “I won’t let you go.” He promised. “I won’t ever let you go, not when I just found you.” Tears brimmed unexpectedly in Duo’s eyes. “I love you Duo Maxwell. I love everything about you. I want to have a home with you. I want us to grow old together.” Heero’s voice grew rough. “I love you.”

He couldn’t believe it. Love? Heero loved him? This worthless, disgusting, unwanted street rat, Heero loved?
Heero loved him. Heero wanted him. To be with him, to share things with, to have a home with. Heero loved him…

*Heero loves me……* he thought. *He wants me, even if he has to die too…*

//You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you//

And Duo felt.